Dear Dr. Sharon: “As soon as the holidays get close, our household feels like it goes off the rails. How can I help my son with ADHD stay regulated at home and school?”

The stretch between Thanksgiving and winter break can feel like a whirlwind for any family, but for parents of neurodivergent kids, it often comes with extra layers of stress. Routines shift, schools fill the calendar with theme days and celebrations, and the excitement of the season can tip quickly into overwhelm at home & school.

Dear Dr. Sharon,

As soon as the holidays get close, our household feels like it goes off the rails. My son is 12 and has ADHD, and all of the schedule changes — half days at school, holiday programs, etc. — completely unsettle him and throw off expectations we have worked hard to set up during the fall. By the time winter break starts, he’s overwhelmed and melting down over things he could normally handle. This upsets our whole family. I want him to enjoy the excitement but I also want to help him stay regulated and handle the changes in his routines more easily. How can I support him better so December isn’t a month of big emotions and stress for our whole family?      

-Roberto, Maryland

Dear Roberto -

You’re describing something many families living with ADHD and neurodiversity experience at this time of year. November and December bring a ton of special events, celebrations, special foods and general excitement. These things are meant to be fun and they also disrupt the very routines that help kids with ADHD feel grounded.

For a 12-year-old — right in those tween years where emotions run strong and independence is growing — that loss of predictability can be especially destabilizing. Kids who usually handle transitions fairly well may suddenly seem irritable, overstimulated, or more reactive than usual. And as you’ve noticed, when one child is dysregulated, the whole household often feels it.

So let’s look at what’s happening, why these changes hit so hard, and how you can help him navigate this season with a familiar sense of structure and routine.

Why Holiday Disruptions Hit ADHD Brains Hard

Children with ADHD and neurodivergence rely heavily on external structure and the predictability of routines to help them regulate attention, emotions, and behavior. When that structure shifts every few days — or every few hours — it can feel like the rug keeps getting pulled out from underneath them.

Several factors come into play:

Changes in routine deplete their regulatory “reserve”: Research consistently shows that children with ADHD have more difficulty with transitions and unexpected changes than their neurotypical peers. One study found that roughly 70% of children with ADHD struggle significantly with flexibility and shifting between tasks. When school days suddenly include assemblies, themed dress-up days, and altered schedules, those challenges multiply.

Excitement and stimulation overload their systems: Holiday events tend to be louder, brighter, and fast-paced. Many children and teens  with ADHD show heightened sensitivity to sensory input and have sensory processing challenges. These can  intensify reactions to novelty, bright lights and noise.

 Emotional regulation gets harder under stress: A large body of research suggests that about 50–75% of youth with ADHD experience challenges with emotional regulation, especially when routines shift or demands increase. What looks like “overreacting” is often a sign that their regulatory resources are stretched thin and a signal that they lack effective tools to manage themselves.

When you add holiday anticipation on top of that,  a child with ADHD and neurodivergence who is typically adaptable may suddenly become overwhelmed, tearful, or argumentative. Not because they don’t want to enjoy the season — but because they can’t access internal anchors that keep them grounded or they lack those skills in the first place

How You Can Support Him at Home

His struggles with transitions and overwhelm do NOT mean that you have to  eliminate the fun and the spontaneity of the holiday season. Instead, the  goal is to create some type of  familiar predictability within all the shifting schedules. A few targeted adjustments can make a big difference.

1. Routine Reminders 

Since schedules can change frequently during the holiday season, start by maintaining basic routines to your day such as regular wake-up times, meals and bedtime. Make sure your days include blocks of time with high and low energy activities so after something exciting like sledding or going shopping, he can downshift and chill out to regroup. Check in with him once in the morning and once in the afternoon if possible to monitor how he is doing. Post the events for various days on a family calendar in the kitchen that he can check any time. Verbal AND visual cues are key for kids with ADHD in general but they are especially useful to reduce the chaos of this season. 

You might also try writing “What’s different today?” on the refrigerator or a dry erase board. List items such as a holiday party, dinner at Grandma’s or a school concert that differ from his typical schedule. Remind him that the plan for the day is posted there and he can check it for himself. This helps somebody prepare for transitions, improve organization and nurture independence. 

2. Build in recovery time after stimulating events.

For neurodivergent kids, it can be difficult under regular circumstances to control their impulses and regulate emotions. This is doubly tough during the holidays when everything is at full tilt. If you know he’s coming home from a party or celebration, assume he’ll need space to decompress — not punishment for being dysregulated. Think of it as a buffer between environments. In a quiet moment, sit down with him and make a list of calming activities. Then post this in the kitchen and his bedroom. Low-demand activities include: 

-Playing cards or a game

-Listening to or playing music

-Spending time outside 

-Exercise or physical activity 

-Taking A shower or bath

-Reading a book, magazine or doing Sudoku or puzzle

-Playing with a family pet

3. Keep expectations simple and clear.

When a child is already stretched thin, multi-step tasks or vague directives can push them over their threshold. Break instructions into small, concrete steps, and give one at a time if needed. This reduces misunderstandings and prevents power struggles. Sometimes it helps to ask them to repeat the instructions back to you so you can be sure of understanding.

Plan a time to have a family discussion about “holiday house rules.” It’s okay to give your kids more time to sleep in or stay up a bit later at night or have a small amount of extra screen time. Whatever you decide, be SUPER-Specific and write things down. Review guidelines of behavior for what’s okay and what’s to be avoided at the homes you are visiting. For example, "At Grandma’s house, we don’t jump on the couch," or, "Uncle Bill doesn’t hear very well so it’s okay to talk loudly with him.”

4. Make room for mixed emotions.

It’s easy to assume holidays = excitement. But for many neurodivergent kids, excitement and anxiety travel together. If your son feels conflicted, validating those feelings with supportive statements such as “This week has a lot going on — it makes sense that your body feels jumpy right now.” These can help him settle. Take some time to talk with him about the physical cues of anxiety in his body.  Does he have balled fists, clenched teeth, sweaty palms, etc. that could signal its time for a breather? What are some of those recovery activities that could help him slow down and regroup?

WRAPPING IT UP

December brings many changes in activities and expectations that can be especially challenging for neurodivergent kids and adults alike. The combination of excitement, unpredictability, and sensory intensity can overload a child who thrives on structure and familiarity. It may overwhelm you as a parent too.

Offering consistency and opportunities for recovery time will lessen the emotional swings for everybody. These breaks help kids and parents participate in the parts of the season they truly enjoy with time to recuperate. Sometimes your son may need to stay home from something because he’s had too much. That’s okay. Decide in advance which events are ‘have-to’s’ and which can be ‘maybe’s’. Give your son and your family the breathing room everybody may need to make this holiday season fun and manageable. With the right scaffolding and a few targeted adjustments, your family can experience the joy, connection and meaningful traditions that you all enjoy with more ease!

Warmly,

Dr. Sharon