Intrepid Ed News - Knowing what to do next: Tips for better planning and prioritizing
"Knowing what to do next: Tips for better planning and prioritizing" by Dr. Sharon Saline Click here to read the article! 
Emotional Wellness Strategies for Women with ADHD: How to reduce self-criticism & build self-confidence
March is Women’s History Month, a time to recognize and celebrate women’s strength, accomplishments and contributions. Women carry a lot on their shoulders–from family, community, school and work responsibilities to societal expectations around physical appearance and behavior. That's a LOT of pressure. Women with ADHD, and women who care for neurodivergent children, must deal with yet another layer of stress, anxiety and self-doubt. And all too frequently, women lack much-needed support. Moreover, women are often their harshest and loudest critics, making it all that much harder to feel good and empowered. Emotional wellness for women begins with learning to quiet that negative inner-voice and make more space for confidence and resilience.
The critical feedback loop in women with ADHD
All too often, women with ADHD find themselves in a cycle of negativity. This self-critical feedback loop is hard to shake because the negative messages come from within. Women are often socialized to please others and take care of them–emotionally, physically and psychologically. Their self-worth is often feels tied to what people think about them and how many friends (real or virtual) they have instead of the uniqueness of their innate talents and personal traits. Women with ADHD, already sensitive to feedback or rejection, often interpret things more negatively and personally than the situation calls for. They are especially vulnerable to internalized low self-worth.
Change your relationship with the negative voice
While it’s unrealistic to completely eliminate negative thinking altogether, you can learn to reduce the power it holds. This is crucial for fostering self esteem and resilience–two key issues for women. In order to reduce its power, you have to change your relationship to the negative voice. Point out that there is a difference between real life and the stories that you tell yourself about those events. These interpretations directly influence the way someone takes meaning from whatever occurred. Putting negativity outside of yourself reduces feeling wrong or bad. It also helps you acknowledge the critical feedback loops in your mind without being ruled by them.
Make space for confidence and resilience with a positive mindset
The most powerful tool women have to counter negative thinking is self-esteem. Confidence empowers you to make decisions, get through life’s ups and downs and recover after setbacks. So while you’re quieting your inner-critic, turn up the volume on the voice that nurtures you with kindness and support.
1. Identify limiting core beliefs and negative self-talk
Find evidence that contradicts or supports those beliefs. Remember that no one is judging you as harshly as you judge yourself. Talk to people in your life who love and know you best, and get their perspective on all your best qualities. Consider asking them:
- "Which of my qualities are most meaningful to you?"
- "What do you consider to be my greatest talents?"
2. Separate feelings from being
Feeling bad doesn’t mean you are 'less than' or unworthy. It may be tough, but don’t allow these negative feelings to define who you are. Use self-affirming phrases such as:
- “Mistakes are how people learn, and you’re learning.”
- “Being wrong doesn’t mean you’re a bad person."
3. Create a few helpful phrases to say to yourself
Positive self-talk counter-acts that negative voice so you don’t have to believe it. Build confidence and quiet your inner critic with reminders of your strengths. Sample statements might be:
- “Everyone makes mistakes, including me. What can I do differently next time?”
- “There’s no such thing as perfection. It’s okay to stumble, just keep trying.”
4. Use a growth mindset approach
Shift away from trying to prove your worth to others using false comparisons or judging yourself as 'less than.' Transition from seeing yourself in a negative light to practicing compassion and kindness toward yourself. This involves taking time for some self-reflection. We are all works in progress, learning and developing at our own speeds. Believe in the power of “YET.” Tell yourself:
- “I may not be able to do this YET, but I am learning.”
- "I might not feel ready YET, but that could change soon."
5. Practice healing meditations
Picture yourself in your “happy place.” Visualize the face of someone whom you love and trust. What supportive words would this person say to you? How would these words comfort and encourage you? Write these down, and meditate on these images and words whenever you need to heal or empower yourself. If you’ve been stuck in a pattern of knocking yourself down, learning to pull yourself back up takes A LOT of practice. Learning to control the volume on that negative voice is a life skill that sustains crucial resiliency and self-esteem. It’s one step at a time so stay patient and persistent!
Read more blog posts:
- Moms with ADHD: Nurturing your power of authenticity
- Reducing Regret as an ADHD Adult with the 4R’s
- Couples Living with ADHD: Healthy practices that focus less on fairness and more on companionship
Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline’s YouTube Channel:
- Moms with ADHD: Why YOU Are the Best Mother for Your Child | Parenting Q&A
- Re-Entry Anxiety in Adults with ADHD | ADHD Q&A
- How Do I Support My Daughter with ADHD? | ADHD and Girls Q&A
Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline’s Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/shame/
YourTango: 5 Things To Try When Your Kid Says 'No!' To Everything
Reducing Regret as an ADHD Adult with the 4R's
Do you live with regrets? Regrets for things that you’ve done or things that you wish you had tried? If so, you are in good company. Many adults with ADHD carry around feelings of sadness, remorse or disappointment over something that happened in their lives or something that they did. This regret often acts as a form of self-sabotage: it’s a way to put yourself down that prevents you from living more fully in the present. Since you can’t go back, what’s called for is learning how to accept your actions, forgive yourself for the mistakes you made and pursue opportunities or interests in new ways. In essence, pivot and focus on changing what you can and you'll start reducing regret and improving resilience.
Enduring the many challenges that come with ADHD
When you have ADHD, weaker executive functioning skills frequently show up in daily struggles with verbal or behavioral impulse control, emotional regulation, organization, planning, time management and setting and completing goals. When you wrestle with these challenges over time, it can seem impossible to break old habits and create newer effective ones. To make matters more complicated, you may also criticize yourself for times when you yelled inappropriately, showed up late to an important meeting, missed a friend’s birthday or made a joke that fell flat. Perhaps you’ve engaged in knee-jerk reactions that you wish you hadn’t and lost work or meaningful relationships as a result. Shame and blame quickly set in and band together to lower your self-esteem and your confidence. Now you are living with intense, negative self-talk that seems impossible to change.
Reducing regret with the 4R's
As adults, though, you can change your behavior by mindfully adopting new skills that create new neural pathways to offer you choices instead of reflexively reacting. Over the years, you, like many others, probably learned to hide your vulnerability underneath defensiveness and anger. What you need are new tools to tolerate your big emotions, manage hurt and disappointment and stop being your own worst enemy It’s not easy, but it is possible to stop “horribilizing” the events in your life and your own actions and start “efforting:” taking incremental, small steps toward doing more of what works. Focusing on the 4R's can help you reduce regret, nurture resilience and rebuild self-compassion.
The 4R's for reducing regret:
1. Radical awareness:
Look at thwarted dreams or disappointing actions and name them. Track when, where and how pessimistic or antagonistic thoughts arise.
2. Recognize:
Identify what was going on in your life at that time. Consider environmental, psychological, social, school, work or family factors.
3. Repair:
Ask yourself what it might take to restore a relationship or situation. How can you make amends, listen to feedback with more interest and neutrality and be (more) accountable?
4. Reconfigure:
Based on comments from others and your own assessment of yourself, reflect on how you can alter reactions or behaviors that hold you back from creating satisfying connections or achieving personal goals. Work on shifting just one thing: something you’ve adopted over time that gets in your way or hurts others. This can be intentional or not. Don’t try to change your whole personality: that’s neither realistic nor achievable. Instead, keep it small and doable.
Reshaping regret takes time, practice and forgiveness
Regret is a very powerful pattern to reshape. Changing it takes time and practice. Taking responsibility for your part with honesty and humility reduces shame and blame and leads to personal empowerment. It can be tough to be honest with yourself without judgment or to share your feelings and be vulnerable. That’s natural. Take it slow, and start with small things. Notice and validate your efforts by writing down at least one way that you responded differently each day–what went well. Focus on nurturing compassion for yourself, and start the progress of forgiveness–for yourself and towards others. Remember, we all do things we wish we hadn’t when we lack the personal or socioeconomic resources to make different choices in a given moment. Now you are shifting to new patterns of creating healthier coping strategies and living without less regret.
Read more blog posts:
- Taming Emotional Triggers with an ADHD Brain: How to understand big feelings and respond differently
- ADHD and Self-Sabotage: 6 supportive strategies to help you feel more confident and reach more goals
- Family, Forgiveness and ADHD: Loving and letting go, during and beyond the holiday season
Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline's YouTube Channel: https://youtu.be/AZGrbNjUGlo Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline’s Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/shame/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/whats-up-with-all-this-anger/
Psychology Today – Hyperfocus and ADHD: Productivity Superpower or Kryptonite?
New Psychology Today Article by Dr. Sharon Saline
Four strategies for understanding and managing hyperfocus successfully.
"Are you ever so engrossed in an activity that time seems to stop and nothing can tear you away? Does it ever seem like you lose a sense of where you are and what’s happening around you? This can be the experience of hyperfocus for many people with ADHD. Hyperfocus is defined as “a phenomenon that reflects one’s complete absorption in a task, to a point where a person appears to completely ignore or ‘tune out’ everything else.” Read the full article by Dr. Saline!
How to Nurture Connected Independence in Kids & Teens with ADHD: Parenting with the 5C’s Framework
As a parent, we have many hopes for our kids. We aim to teach them lifelong social and emotional skills while helping them be more efficient and effective in daily tasks. For children, teens and emerging (young) adults with ADHD, learning to manage themselves independently in the face of executive functioning (EF) challenges can be especially tough. Becoming self-reliant while feeling supported means embracing a new model of connected independence and redefining maturity for this generation. Shifting, flexibility, working memory and metacognition often work together to help growing minds adapt to new situations and apply past experiences to choosing how to understand and respond appropriately to them. You can help foster connected independence in your children and teens by nurturing a growth mindset, self-compassion and confidence. In this blog, let’s look at how my 5C’s framework cultivates parenting strategies that assist kids and teens in building the independence everyone desires so they can manage their lives successfully as they mature.
Skills for positive transitions in maturation
Many people mistakenly think about “launching” issues when their teens are in the last years of high school. This process actually begins long before senior year with each life stage transition that has preceded it. As part of their maturation, children will go through several periods of transition, such as entering primary school, middle school, high school and beyond. At each transition point, kids have to stretch themselves to adapt, adjust and grow. As parents, you benefit from adjusting your expectations, meeting your youngsters where they are and offering useful scaffolding along the way. Many children, adolescents and young adults with ADHD, learning disabilities, 2E, anxiety and autism spectrum disorders often struggle during these periods of adjustment due to weaker, slower maturing EF skills. Teaching tools for strengthening these lagging skills is not only essential, but it also can be frustrating for everybody. But maturation relies on learning these important skills, among others:
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- Verbal impulse control
- Emotional regulation
- Social adjustment
- Planning, organization, motivation and persistence
- Self-understanding/meta-cognition
- Medical management (for older teens)
Of course, each person will develop at their own pace. Our role as parents is to offer support, guidance, strategies and positive reinforcement throughout the process. How can you do this?
Nurturing Connected Independence with the 5C’s Foundation
I developed the 5 C’s framework as a foundation for refining skills and fostering independence in ADHD children and teens. It’s a compassionate, collaborative approach to parenting that relies on working with kids for solutions to common problems to increase their buy-in and cooperation.
Here is a summary of the 5C’s framework:
self-Control:
You manage your own feelings first so you can act effectively and teach your child with ADHD to do the same.
Compassion:
Meet your youngster where they are, not where you expect them to be. Accept the ADHD brain, empathize, and try to understand what it’s like to walk a day in their shoes. Just as important is to have self-compassion – acknowledge when you’re struggling, when it’s time to pause and reset, and what support you may need.
Collaboration:
Work together with your child or teen and other important adults in their life to find solutions to daily challenges. When they are included in the process, they are more likely to cooperate in working with you and not against you.
Consistency:
As much as possible, do what you say you will do. Instead of aiming for impossible perfection, focus on steadiness. Nurture and validate your child’s efforts to do their best and do the same for yourself. Rely on do-able routines to provide comforting predictability while teaching essential EF skills such as organization, planning and prioritizing.
Celebration:
Notice and acknowledge what’s working by continuously offering words and actions of encouragement, praise and validation. Counteract the ADHD negativity bias by providing positive reinforcement of both efforts and accomplishments.
Connected independence in emerging adults develops over time using the 5C's
Beginning in middle school and up through college graduation, when kids believe that caring adults have their back, hold empathy for them. Work with them for solutions to challenges, and validate their efforts for self-reliance. Work on these strategies, and they will be far more willing to stay engaged in the relationship. As they edge into their later teens and early twenties, they want to be in the driver’s seat and ask for assistance instead of having you give it to them–even when you think they need to hear it. 
I struggle with this myself, particularly when I’m feeling anxious about something in one of my (young) adult children’s lives. Although I believe that I have valuable life experience and advice to share, to be honest, I am mostly rebuffed in my efforts to share it. Instead, I am trying to learn how to ask non-intrusive questions, respect their boundaries and wait for them to approach me. Sometimes, it’s interesting to see how they figure things out for themselves. Other times, it honestly feels like torture. Gen Z’ers want to live their own lives, knowing that they have emotional and/or physical support as needed. Parents are there for you, but they aren't running the show. Of course, this is a developmental process. Your middle-schooler needs more hands-on support than you high school senior: that’s appropriate. The trick is keeping scaffolding in place longer than you think and removing it slowly when you see the desired skill is in place more often than not.
The Value of a Growth Mindset in Fostering Connected Independence
Nurturing connected independence is a process of trial and error. Everybody tries something. Sometimes it works out, and, other times, it falls flat. That's okay. The important thing here is the process of efforting: trying something, regrouping if necessary and then trying again. This is the cornerstone of a growth mindset: your child believes that it is beneficial to take a risk and see what happens, learning from their experience.
1. Value effort over outcome
Because a growth mindset values the effort that was put into a task or activity more than the outcome, it enables learning and resilience. This is especially important for kids with ADHD since they tend to lean toward a fixed mindset. In a fixed mindset, people believe their basic qualities, like intelligence or talent, are fixed, unchangeable traits. In a growth mindset, people believe that their learning and intelligence can grow with time and experience. Acknowledging the value of effort will make it easier to tolerate the discomfort of letting your child try things on their own. Kids will make mistakes–that’s a part of learning. Chances are you’ll have to wipe up spills or drive to school with the forgotten lunch or book. Practice self-care by staying patient and calm.
2. Implement strategies and supports that are appropriate for your child's capabilities
It's important to create strategies and supports based on your child’s actual capabilities and not where you think they should be based on comparisons to other kids. Talk with your youngster about one of the maturation skills outlined above. Explore together where they are now and where both of you would like them to be. Identify and collaborate on age-appropriate responsibilities that your child is truly ready to handle. Whether it’s getting ready for school or bed, doing chores, time management, or homework completion, brainstorm with your child and pick one thing to work on first that you both agree on.
3. Adjust your expectations–and theirs–for various skill areas based on your child’s strengths and weaknesses
Lean into their strengths as a place to start. Kids with ADHD are sensitive about their challenges so collaborate with them to give them a sense of empowerment. Remember, their participation increases their cooperation. As you move forward, check in with yourself (and with them) about your plan and make changes together to foster the growth you both want to see. Continue to keep a double focus: on the skill itself and on doing more of what is working. Be sure to acknowledge and celebrate their efforts in the moment and then at your weekly family meeting.
4. Equip your child with helpful resources
Hang resources such as to-do lists, schedules of daily routines or upcoming events, reminders or other visual cues that you create together around the house. Create personal project planners together. Instead of reminding them about a specific task, redirect your child to use these tools. These tools builds sequencing, planning and shifting skills.
5. Collaborate on meaningful incentives to effectively boost motivation
Consider using collaborative incentives that are meaningful and motivating and link a privilege to a completion of a desired task. These teach kids with ADHD who wrestle with low internal motivation that there’s something to look forward to when a dreaded chore or boring history assignment is over. We know that punishments don’t teach skills. Instead, we want to focus on what fosters initiation, motivation and follow through to build the capacity for connected independence. By shining the spotlight of our attention on teaching rather than taking away and on what’s going well instead of what’s failed, we are nurturing the seeds of self-confidence and resilience.
6. Expect pushback and negotiations (especially from tweens and teens)
Emerging adults may downright yell at you or stop sharing information. You kids may refuse certain tools (calendars, lists, reminder alerts) as part of wanting to do their own thing. Rather than take this personally (even though it is so hard not to), keep your focus on whether choices are effective and working. Stay positive and flexible and model good teamwork for your child and look to your partner, friends, extended family or therapist/coach to deal with your frustrations.
7. Acknowledge your child's effort
It can certainly be uncomfortable to let your kids, teens and emerging adults try things on their own that you truly believe won’t go that well. Ask if they would like your input or help brainstorming various solutions to challenges. Of course, in cases of health or safety, you are the parent and you have the last word. But, most of the time, coming down as the authority backfires with your creative, outside-the-box thinker. Acknowledging the value of their effort will make it easier to tolerate this process.
8. Practice mindful awareness
Your youngster will make mistakes–that’s a part of learning and, at times, you may need to wipe up any literal or metaphorical spills. Practice mindful awareness: In the midst of an intense moment, stop, stop and breathe. Ask yourself: “How important is it that I jump in here? How can I offer my support without solving this problem? What does showing up for them look like at this moment?” These reflections will help you apply my 5C’s approach to the process of growing connected independence.
Read more blog posts:
- Parenting Older Teens with ADHD: Land the helicopter and focus on scaffolding
- Parenting Neurodivergent Kids with a Growth Mindset: How you can take ‘failure’ out of your vocabulary
- ADHD Misconceptions: How to respond to 4 damaging false beliefs and assumptions about ADHD
Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline's YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSlRnTqVjcA Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline’s Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/5-cs-video/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Women & ADHD Podcast: How do we know if it’s ADHD?
The ADHD & Women Podcast features Dr. Sharon Saline
"Dr. Saline and I talk about how her interest in ADHD as a psychologist was sparked by her own neurodivergent family. We also talk about inattentive type ADHD in childhood and why so many kids — both boys and girls — with inattentive ADHD end up overlooked and ultimately diagnosed with depression and anxiety instead of ADHD. We also talk about the adult diagnosis experience and the best ways for you and your doctor to determine whether you have ADHD as opposed to possibly another situational struggle."
Taming Emotional Triggers with an ADHD Brain: How to understand big feelings and respond differently
When you live with ADHD, you live with the challenge of managing strong emotions. Whether you are a child, teen or adult, it can be tough to regulate how you process your feelings–psychologically, cognitively or behaviorally. The ADHD brain, with its 'now/not now' orientation, may not be attuned to feelings that are simmering under the surface until the pressure is too great, something brings them to awareness and the dam bursts. Flooding, a common experience for folks with ADHD, results from the combination of intense and usually overwhelming internal and external stimulation in a world that's not designed for neurodivergent brains. Learning how to identify and respond to emotional triggers more intentionally will help you feel better about yourself, improve social relationships and increase productivity.
Big emotions are part of being human
Experiencing big emotions is a part of life. The oldest emotions—fear, anger, anxiety—developed to keep us safe by cueing us that there is something threatening our survival or social standing. Emotions help us create and store memories, build social networks and develop self-confidence. They are fundamentally integrated with memory, action and learning, and the brain attaches emotion to help us prioritize what’s needed to stay safe. Strong emotions highlight what’s important and cue us to pay attention to what’s happening in real time. They can also assist people with processing a painful past event.
The amgydala and the fight, flight or freeze response
Let’s look briefly at how the trigger system work in the brain and body. Reducing reactivity means understanding the “amygdala hijack” as a gateway for improving self-regulation (Goleman, D. (1995, 2005). Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ.” New York: Bantam Books).
Inside the emotional center of our brains (the limbic system) lies the amygdala. It acts as the brain’s alarm system, setting off the ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response. When the amygdala senses danger, real or imagined, it jumps into action and tells the rest of the brain and the body to run from danger or fight it. That’s when you feel a rush of adrenaline, a faster heartbeat and shorter breaths–a knee-jerk reaction within milliseconds of sensing a disturbance. When the amygdala becomes activated, the thinking brain (your prefrontal cortex) goes temporarily offline, and feelings rule the day.
Calming down emotional responses: Neurotypical brains vs. ADHD brains
In neurotypical brains, executive functioning skills help the amygdala calm down by engaging language to name the feelings instead of just experiencing them. This also helps people step back to more clearly assess the situation and find solutions. In ADHD brains, however, the executive functioning skills–that are already working hard to accomplish and maintain daily life tasks–struggle with the extra burden of effectively dealing with a rush of strong emotions. This means that you'll often react more quickly and with volatility instead of responding with consideration.
Managing emotional triggers with ADHD
1. Learn to recognize emotional triggers with body awareness
One of the first steps toward improving emotional regulation and taming your triggers is to notice the physiological signs that the amygdala is gearing up. What are the physical symptoms that let you know something is askew? Increased heart rate, tense muscles, shallow breathing, perspiration or nausea are all signs that you are entering a fight, fight or freeze zone. It’s really important to distinguish if what’s setting you off is a real emergency or a perceived but not imminent danger. You may feel the pressing need to act, but that urgency is usually a sign, a red flag that you are into an amygdala takeover. It’s a signal to address any actual dangers facing you or turn down the noise in your head related to discomfort, insecurity or agitation. This is a huge task for many people, with and without ADHD. Anxiety, anger or hurt can seem like pressing dangers to our wellbeing and threaten our coping strategies. Practicing your ability to notice what’s going on in your body, in your mind and in your environment requires patience, insight and self-acceptance. These are skills which develop over time, sometimes a lifetime, for so many of us. Being compassionate with ourselves, our partners and our children is what’s called for–not the expectation of perfection. We want to foster a growth mindset, one that understands stumbling and focuses on regrouping instead of criticism or intolerance.
2. Pre-plan coping strategies for emotional triggers
When someone is triggered, they need to rely on a pre-planned strategy to help them get through those tough times. Try these tips:
1. Breathe:
Breathing sends a message to your amygdala to slow down and cools off the body's alarm system. Try alternate nostril breathing, triangle breathing (inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 6, pause empty) or belly breathing. Do any of these breathing techniques about 5 times at a pace that feels best for you.
2. Change your environment:
Sometimes you need to leave a situation to compose yourself or assess what is going on. A quick trip to the bathroom, stepping outside for a breath of fresh air, opening a window, getting a glass of water, taking a quick walk or breaking out some stretches or yoga can assist you in recalibrating. Maybe even consider giving or asking for a hug.
3. Create some go-to phrases to say to other people:
It’s much better to articulate that you are feeling distressed instead of blurting something out that you will later regret. As you're reading this, what words come to mind that can summarize how you feel without oversharing or dumping? Here are some suggestions:
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- I’m not comfortable with the direction this is headed. Can we start over?
- I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, let me get back to you.
- Let’s pause for a moment and regroup.
- I need to use the bathroom.
- This is upsetting me. I’d like to settle for a minute before we continue.
4. Brainstorm soothing statements you can say to yourself:
When you talk back to the negative voices that perpetuate anger, anxiety or shame, you offer yourself compassion, reassurance and kindness. This both acknowledges your feelings and helps you settle down. Here are some examples: 
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- It’s okay to feel unsure or uncomfortable.
- I am rooting for me.
- This feeling really hurts right now; it will pass if I can tolerate it instead of ignoring it.
- I can notice my (anger, disappointment, concern or frustration) without acting on it.
- I have been here before, and I have the skills and resources to manage this.
- Being human means making mistakes, regrouping and learning from them.
- I am calm; I am safe.
- It’s okay to ask for help.
- I can feel my physical sensations, give them attention and allow them to change.
When you understand how strong emotions work in ADHD brains, see how big feelings influence thoughts and behaviors, and learn tools to comfort yourself, you don't just tame your triggers; you learn to pivot from reacting to responding.
Read more blog posts:
- Tone of Voice Awareness in Neurodiverse Families: How to practice self-regulation in family conflicts
- ADHD, Emotional Regulation and Managing Family Conflict: Replacing Time-outs with Time-in or Time-apart
- Tips for Neurodiverse Social Communication: Engaging in more enjoyable and effective conversations
Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel: https://youtu.be/RrLFQk5X6Dk Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline’s Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/whats-up-with-all-this-anger/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Creating an ADHD-Friendly Morning Routine with Your Family: Wake up to a smoother start and a better day
Let’s face it–busy mornings can be stressful. It’s difficult to stay calm and collected with so much to do within a short period of time. For kids with ADHD, there are often additional stumbles and delays when they forget something, get distracted or need to make decisions on the go. Help your child, and yourself, by establishing an effective ADHD morning routine that will reduce stress and make it easier to get out the door. You can accomplish this with 3 key strategies: Get organized, plan ahead and motivate your child effectively. With a bit of preparation and a dash of flexibility, you can establish morning routines that reduce arguments and promote a calmer start to the day. With clear expectations, meaningful incentives and effective cueing, you can transform unpleasant mornings into better ones.
Step 1: Reflect on your current morning routine
What already works? What can be improved?
Before you can create an ADHD morning routine that works for your family, consider what's already working well. Then, consider what could be improved. For example, if your child cheerfully comes to the breakfast table on time, then keep doing what you’re already doing. On the other hand, if your teen has a difficult time getting out of bed independently, then that’s an area for improvement.
Step 2: Collaborate on ADHD-friendly morning routine ideas in a family meeting
Identify morning tasks:
Take the stress out of your morning by collaboratively creating an organizational roadmap with your family members. In a family meeting, talk about what needs to be accomplished each morning. Ask your child to identify the tasks they need to do each morning, like getting dressed, brushing teeth and eating breakfast.
Decide which morning tasks are priorities:
Next, think about and decide which tasks are an absolute priority for your household, and what is a "nice-to-have." If brushing teeth is non-negotiable, then carve out time for it each morning. Don’t spend your limited time and energy pushing your child into doing something that’s not a priority. Instead, focus on the truly important things. Be sure to clearly communicate these morning “must haves” to your child.
Plan the steps for completing tasks:
Brainstorm ideas for completing these tasks. Since ADHD affects your child’s ability to focus on non-desired tasks, it can be tough to focus on getting dressed, eating breakfast or putting on their shoes. Limit distractions and interruptions like TV, phone or computer use during the morning rush. Remember, there is no one right way of doing things. Your outside-the-box thinker may have some creative approaches that are worth considering. An effective ADHD routine is one which meets your family’s individual needs based on what works and what could be fine-tuned.
Step 3: Consider priorities, obstacles and opportunities for better organization
Prioritize rest and nutrition:
Of course, adequate rest and nutrition improve the start to any day. Make sure to build in extra time for winding down in the evening and waking up in the morning, as these can be challenging for kids with ADHD. It's common for many teens with ADHD to struggle to wake up in the morning. Talk to your child's primary care provider about this issue to rule out any biological complications.
Try these tips:
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- Turn off electronic devices at least an hour before bedtime
- Honor bedtimes and wake-up times
- Try relaxing evening activities like reading, listening to music, yoga/stretching, coloring/drawing or family meditation to help ease into sleep
- Use two alarms in morning, ideally one across the room that requires movement out of bed to turn it off
- Provide fun, healthy breakfast options like waffles with whipped cream and berries, mystery smoothies or peanut butter sandwiches cut into goofy shapes
Prep the house with clear organization:
Keeping track of everybody's stuff can also reduce morning chaos. Work together to create a home for specific things such as gloves and hats, lunchboxes, keys and phones. Cubbies, milk crates, baskets, hooks or clear plastic boxes can be lifesavers. Using labels to add visual cues can be helpful. When everything has a place of its own, you and your children will spend less time running around looking for that missing boot, wallet or permission slip. My dad always said, "Everything needs to have a place to put it." As usual, he's right–it's just hard sometimes to make that place happen. Taking time in the short run to figure this out (starting with the important stuff to reduce your overwhelm) will pay off in the long run.
Do more the night before:
Morning routines can be made more efficient by moving some of the to-dos to the night before. By shifting tasks to the previous evening, you can take a lot of pressure off of your busy morning. This also reduces the chances of unpleasant surprises or frustrating power struggles. Being prepared decreases the need to rush, worry or make hasty decisions. Here are some tasks which can be done in the evening in order to save time and ensure things go smoothly:
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- Lay out clothes
- Prepare breakfast and/or lunch
- Pack backpack with books/supplies/homework
- Gather gear and equipment needed for after-school sports or clubs
- Set the breakfast table after dinner cleanup is done
Step 4: Decide on a plan to start with
When you've gathered the information you need to create a plan, it's time to decide on one to start with. This plan will likely be adjusted later after trial-and-error, but decide on a first plan to start implementing. Having a basic plan that clearly shows the necessary steps for leaving the house will help mornings go smoother. Creating a plan ahead of time also takes the pressure off of exercising some executive functions in the morning that can be difficult for kids and teens with ADHD, such as planning, sequencing and prioritizing. Create a schedule that includes time estimates, the agreed upon morning tasks and any specific instructions for completing the tasks. Using backwards design will help you come up with time estimations. You'll also want to add in extra time for the unexpected in your calculations.
Step 5: Prepare for success
Create a physical checklist that's easily accessible:
A detailed checklist provides a practical way to help your child or teen stay on task and not forget anything important. When kids know what to do, and can mark their progress along the way, they are more likely to participate instead of obstruct. Write down the ADHD-friendly morning routine steps on a white board or tape it to the refrigerator. This reduces the need for guesswork or on-the-fly decision-making. Consider pinning a laminated list of what's needed each day for school inside the backpack itself.
Create meaningful incentives:
Set up effective, age-appropriate and meaningful incentives to motivate your child or teen to cooperate with your agreed-upon routines. Incentives motivate kids with ADHD to stick with the program and complete tasks they may find boring or unsatisfying. For example, if your 6-year-old hates brushing their teeth, incentivize them with reading a story or playing a card game before school. Or, brush your teeth alongside them to a fun song. Older kids may be enticed to get out of bed in the morning if the incentive is getting a donut on the way to school or earning bonus screen time before dinner. It is much more effective to motivate kids with ADHD with incentives that matter to them rather than punishments linked to a loss of privileges. In addition, your child will be more cooperative in getting through their morning checklist if you get them involved in creating it and give them a say in choosing reasonable incentives.
Step 6: Check-in, adjust and try again
There is always the chance that, despite your best efforts, your new ADHD morning routine won’t work as well or as quickly as you’d like. Remember that it’s a process. You may need to make several adjustments tailored to your family's unique needs, preferences and goals before finding what works. If you get pushback, try to be patient. Adjust your expectations, and try to address one improvement at a time. On the morning that things don’t go according to plan, try to stay cool, manage your emotions and keep your sense of humor. And when things do go well, give your child genuine praise and encouragement. Celebrating these wins will give you and your child further motivation to commit to effective routines for a more calm and pleasant family life.
Read more blog posts:
- New Year, New Habits, Same ADHD: How to plan for and maintain new habits together, as a family
- Productive Procrastination and ADHD: How to stop running in place and start tackling your goals
- Parenting Neurodivergent Kids with a Growth Mindset: How you can take ‘failure’ out of your vocabulary
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
- ADHD Communication Tips: Conveying ideas, feelings & frustrations
- Initiating and Completing Tasks with ADHD
- How Do I Manage Screen Time and ADHD?
Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/homework/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
PsychCentral: How Does ADHD Affect Your Time Perception?
ADDitude Mag - "Working Memory vs. Short-Term Memory: What’s the Difference?"
ABC4 Utah - Good Things Utah: What do you get when you combine Krispy Kreme and Twix?
ADHD and Bullying (Part 2): How you can prepare kids to support victims of bullying as helpful upstanders
When it comes to bullying, there are two responsible parties: the bully and the bystander. Bystanders, or “onlookers,” are people who witness bullying behavior and allow the bully to continue by either encouraging it or saying nothing. The unspoken and often unconscious support of the non-aggressive majority–the bystanders- empowers the bully. Therefore, the bystander has a great deal of power and responsibility to intervene and stop the harassment. In part 1 of the ADHD and Bullying series, we learned that neurodivergent kids are sometimes a bully's target, and other times may bully others. Here, we’ll explore how they can stop being bystanders and instead become upstanders by helping victims of bullying.
Why bystanders do nothing
“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” – Martin Luther King Jr. 
All too often, bystanders who witness bullying know that it’s wrong and feel guilty for not acting. Yet, they still don’t do anything to stop it. They recognize that the bully is in the position of power and are tempted to participate, feeling relieved that they themselves are not the victim. This is especially true for neurodivergent kids who may frequently find themselves on the receiving end of harassment. Additionally, it’s likely that multiple bystanders are witnesses to any given incident of harassment. People can go along with a group decision or action against their own better judgment or values. In a group, people are often less empathic and caring than they are individually. So, what’s motivating them to side with the bully instead of the victim? Most often, it’s fear. Fear of:
-
- Being hurt themselves if they defend the victim
- Becoming the bully’s next target
- Doing something that will only make the situation worse
- Not knowing what to do or whom to ask for help
- Having a reputation for being a “tattler”
Fortunately, we can overcome these fears. Once we understand why we’re afraid to act and the consequences of not stepping in to help, it’s easy to find the courage and compassion to do the right thing.
Why it’s important to help stop bullying
Kids who get bullied may eventually become bullies themselves, perpetuating the cycle of cruelty. Therefore, taking measures to stop bullying incidents is an important step in breaking this cycle. Most bullying happens under the radar of adults, either at school, in the neighborhood, or online. Kids don’t want to report it because of the enormous stigma attached to being a “tattle”–someone who tells a responsible adult about something in order to get someone in trouble. Cyberbullying has become a serious risk linked to psychological problems in adolescents. Kids and teens who have been cyberbullied reported higher levels of depression and thoughts of suicide, as well as greater emotional distress, hostility and delinquency compared with peers who were not. Students most often report physical appearance, race/ethnicity, gender, disability, religion, and sexual orientation to be reasons for being targeted by bullies. (National Center for Educational Statistics, 2019)
Recent statistics on bullying illustrate the extent of the problem:
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- One out of every five (20.2%) students report being bullied (National Center for Educational Statistics, 2019 ).
- 41% of students who reported being bullied at school indicated that they think the bullying would happen again (National Center for Educational Statistics, 2019).
- 49.8% of tweens (9 to 12 years old) said they experienced bullying at school and 14.5% of tweens shared they experienced bullying online (Patchin & Hinduja, 2020).
However, there is encouraging data, too. School-based bullying prevention programs decrease bullying by up to 25% (McCallion & Feder, 2013). Families can support schools’ anti-bullying education by having conversations about bullying at home. Making students aware that there are better alternatives to being bystanders is an important part of raising healthy, resilient kids. It also contributes to a safer and more supportive community, in which they can thrive.
How to teach kids with ADHD to become helpful upstanders for victims of bullying:
We can teach children and teens to recognize when they find themselves in the role of onlooker. We can help them overcome their fears and encourage them to take action. Kids with ADHD know all too well how bad it feels to be taunted and feel helpless. So, helping neurodivergent kids identify these feelings is the first step in harnessing their empathy in support of their peers. Encourage your child to recognize situations in which they are bystanders. Ask them to reflect on their feelings about what they see. Assure your child that parents, teachers and other caring adults can help and support them. Adults can recommend safe ways for them to prevent, intervene or address bullying. Most importantly, tell your child how proud you are of them when they show compassion and help targets of bullying. Help them identify the positive emotions resulting from their good deeds. Bystanders can become upstanders through prevention and intervention measures.
Prevention steps include:
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- Being inclusive by welcoming others to join their activities and groups
- Being a role model for pro-social behavior by showing kindness, respect and empathy for others
- Walking or sitting with vulnerable kids who may be targets of bullying
- Getting involved with bullying prevention efforts at school or in the community
Interventions during a bullying incident may include:
-
- Defending the target of the bullying verbally or by physically standing near the victim
- Intervening as a group
- Changing the subject
- Questioning the bullying behavior
- Using humor to lighten up a serious situation
- Openly stating an objection to bullying
- Stating approval of the victim and validating his or her social status
Address bullying after it happens by:
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- Reaching out privately to the target of the bullying to express support and concern
- Inviting the target of bullying to walk to school/class with you
- Offering to sit next to the target at lunch or on the bus
- Reporting the bullying to a trusted adult, parent, teacher or school administrator
- Reaching out privately to the person doing the bullying to express concern, if they feels safe to do so
- Enlisting the help of other kids who dislike the bully. As they say, “there’s power in numbers”
Helpful Resources:
If you'd like addition information and support on bullying prevention or intervention, here are a few recommended resources: 
Articles:
-
- Assistant Secretary for Public Affairs (ASPA). (2021, May 21). Bystanders are essential to bullying prevention and intervention. StopBullying.gov. Retrieved from https://www.stopbullying.gov/resources/research-resources/bystanders-are-essential
- LGBTQ+ bullying. LGBTQ Bullying | STOMP Out Bullying. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.stompoutbullying.org/lgbtq-bullying.
- Roberts, M. (2020, August 26). CDC releases National Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Results. HRC. Retrieved from https://www.hrc.org/news/new-cdc-data-shows-lgbtq-youth-are-more-likely-to-be-bullied-than-straight-cisgender-youth.
Organizations & Websites:
-
- STOMP Out Bullying: https://www.stompoutbullying.org/
- StopBullying.gov. | Health Resources and Services Administration (HRSA) https://www.stopbullying.gov/
- PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center: https://www.pacer.org/BULLYING/
- The Human Rights Campaign: https://www.hrc.org/
Read more blog posts:
- ADHD and Bullying (Part 1): How to help kids with ADHD recognize, respond to and prevent bullying
- Social Anxiety and ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation
- ADHD, Emotional Regulation and Managing Family Conflict: Replacing Time-outs with Time-in or Time-apart
Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:
Deeper Dive in Dr. Saline’s Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/
YourTango: Daydreamers Are Basically Creative Geniuses — How To Harness A Wandering Mind
Intrepid Ed News: Let’s get started! 5 tips for helping kids get things done
YourTango: It's Not Just Puppy Love — 4 Things You Must Do When Your Tween Has A Crush
ADDitude Mag - Q: “Fear of Failure Holds Me Back. How Do I Let Go of Past Mistakes?”
ADHD and Bullying (Part 1): How to help kids with ADHD recognize, respond to and prevent bullying
Sadly, it's all too common that neurodivergent kids to experience some level of teasing, taunting or bullying as they grow. Despite anti-bullying policies in schools and best efforts to raise awareness, kids with ADHD will likely find themselves as victims and/or aggressors at one time or another. Children and teens may not realize when they’ve crossed the line from gentle ribbing into full-on bullying. What may start out as playful interactions may quickly snowball into a serious problem. Kids with ADHD already wrestle with impulse control, emotional regulation and social relationships. Therefore, it's especially important for them to understand the differences between teasing and taunting. In addition, it's important for them to grasp the limits of appropriate and inappropriate behaviors. These children and teens will greatly benefit from learning practical tools to use in challenging peer situation based on direct instruction, empathic inquiry and collaboration.
Teasing vs. Taunting
Teasing is a light, fun thing you do with friends or family—people you care about—without malice. Taunting, however, is a form of bullying. It’s something you do to someone you don’t like, is intentionally harmful, and involves humiliation, cruelty or bigotry. In teasing, you are laughing WITH the person; in taunting, you are laughing AT the person. Let’s consider some examples:
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- Teasing: Giggling at your sibling’s “impressive case of bed hair”
- Taunting: Calling a classmate “fatso” or using other derogatory names
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- Teasing: Friends in advanced math class calling each other “dork” or “nerd” because they like solving tough calculation problems
- Taunting: Making mean, derogatory remarks about someone’s accent or manner of dress
Teasing is often done with humor, is reciprocal, doesn’t affect self-esteem and will stop when it is no longer fun. Taunting, on the other hand, involves ill will and continues or even escalates after the recipient is hurt or asks for the taunting to stop.
Bullying: Intent and Types
Bullying is the intent to hurt or intimidate someone whom the bully perceives as weak, vulnerable and unable to defend themselves. It is a repetitive, purposeful, aggressive activity meant to cause harm or fear through the threat of further hostility. Bullying takes different formats: physical aggression (hurting people physically) and relational aggression (starting rumors, exclusion, spreading gossip, taunting and getting people to “gang up” on others). Social media, 3-way phone calls and emails can perpetuate relational aggression. In addition, 24/7 digital connectivity can cause someone to feel like there is no safe space for them.
ADHD and Bullying
Often, the roles of bully and victim are fluid. Kids who feel insecure or different from others are more likely to be aggressors at one time and then victims at another. Children and teens with ADHD may become easier targets for bullies due to certain behaviors they tend to exhibit. These include impulsiveness, clumsiness, social anxiety, academic struggles and awkwardness. They may also be less awareness about personal space, boundaries and social cues. For instance, kids with ADHD may have greater challenges navigating awkward conversations and reading body language, or they may struggle with identifying when they are in danger of being targeted or attacked. However, the very same impulsivity and socials challenges that make kids with ADHD more likely to be targets of taunting may also lead them to take out their frustrations on others and become more aggressive. As a result, they could become bullies themselves.
Why Do Kids Taunt Each Other?
It’s crucial to understand the underlying causes of bullying in order to respond effectively. Bullying is often about power struggles and the need for some kids to come out on top, regardless of the consequences. Although bullies are the clear aggressors, it's important to note that "bystanders" (those who stand by and allow the bullying to take place without helping) are just as responsible. Bystanders enable and empower the aggressor to do harm. Although they may not be doing the tormenting with their own words or actions, bystanders are just as complicit. Their motivations are also just as complex. (Learn more about bystanders in next week's blog post - ADHD and Bullying, Part 2!)
The most common causes of bullying are:
- A desire to fit in with/be accepted by "cool" or "popular" kids - "I want to be liked"
- Peer pressure - "If others are doing it, I can too"
- A defense mechanism - "If I bully others, others won’t bully me"
- Way to increase social status - "I feel stronger/smarter/better when I put others down"
Tools for Kids and Teens to Respond to Bullying
If your child is being bullied, you can teach and support them with these effective interventions: 1. Encourage your child to speak up for themselves in non-provocative ways to assert strength. 2. Remind your child that they are not alone, despite feeling picked on or even isolated. Point out their true friends, and encourage them to spend time together. For younger children, facilitate these meet-ups; for older ones, brainstorm possible ideas. 3. Explore ways for your child or teen to engage the assistance of their true friends in times of need. This can be valuable in tricky social situations that may be potential environments for bullying. Furthermore, discuss techniques and exact phrases to use to extricate oneself from an uncomfortable situation. Use role-play to practice them. 4. Assist your child or teen in monitoring their own behavior. Their actions might unknowingly be provoking negative responses from others. On the other hand, it may be aggressive in some way. Help them build self-awareness about statements, actions or facial expressions that might be misinterpreted as hostile. 5. Talk with teachers about facilitating connections through school collaborations on projects or seating near like-minded individuals. Engage the school's assistance in fostering positive connections, and make sure they are aware of the social dynamics your child is facing. 6. Create a safety plan that details what to say or do when bullying occurs in person or online. This plan should include: who to talk to (a friend or adult), where to go at school (the office of the nurse or counselor), what to do that is self-protective but not retaliatory, and how to minimize reacting.
More Confidence, Less Conflict
Having a strong sense of self will not only prevent your child from becoming a bully, but will also allow them to respond effectively if others bully them. Nurture self-confidence in your child or teen by identifying interests and capabilities. Help them learn to develop skills and pride in these areas. Be sure to acknowledge their efforts as well as their accomplishments. Furthermore, stay compassionate and steady in your relationship. Your connection strengthens the internal resources necessary to weather painful, peer social dynamics. These are the key nutrients that help grow self-worth and defend against the cruelties of taunting and bullying.
Helpful Resources:
If you'd like addition information and support on bullying prevention or intervention, here are a few recommended resources:
Articles:
-
- Assistant Secretary for Public Affairs (ASPA). (2021, May 21). Bystanders are essential to bullying prevention and intervention. StopBullying.gov. Retrieved from https://www.stopbullying.gov/resources/research-resources/bystanders-are-essential
- LGBTQ+ bullying. LGBTQ Bullying | STOMP Out Bullying. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.stompoutbullying.org/lgbtq-bullying.
- Roberts, M. (2020, August 26). CDC releases National Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Results. HRC. Retrieved from https://www.hrc.org/news/new-cdc-data-shows-lgbtq-youth-are-more-likely-to-be-bullied-than-straight-cisgender-youth.
Organizations & Websites:
-
- STOMP Out Bullying: https://www.stompoutbullying.org/
- StopBullying.gov. | Health Resources and Services Administration (HRSA) https://www.stopbullying.gov/
- PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center: https://www.pacer.org/BULLYING/
- The Human Rights Campaign: https://www.hrc.org/
Read more blog posts:
- Social Anxiety and ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation
- Gender, Sexuality and ADHD: Parenting Children and Youth with ADHD Exploring Their Gender and Sexual Identity
- Tips for Neurodiverse Social Communication: Engaging in more enjoyable and effective conversations
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
Deeper Dive in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/whats-up-with-all-this-anger/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
ADDitude Mag - When Perfectionism Stems from ADHD: Challenging the Fallacy of “Not Good Enough”
When Perfectionism Stems from ADHD: Challenging the Fallacy of “Not Good Enough”
"Perfectionism, when unhealthy, drives a person to exhaustion striving for a flawlessness that’s neither reasonable nor healthy. Though it may seem contradictory, perfectionist traits may stem from ADHD — an overcompensation for past errors or for feeling “not good enough.” Letting go of perfectionism does not mean eliminating worries around mistakes, failure, and judgment, but rather accepting that they are part of life — and one that can help us grow."
ADHD and Self-Sabotage: 6 supportive strategies to help you feel more confident and reach more goals
Self-sabotage is the negative self-talk that prevents us from believing we can do things. It can be conscious or unconscious and can keep us from setting, working towards and reaching our goals. It holds us back from doing what we want to do. Low self-esteem and unfounded beliefs about being deficient, not good enough, incapable or unintelligent contribute to self-sabotage. These deep-seated, limiting core beliefs fuel fears about performance and result in procrastination or avoidance. If left unchecked, this can lead to general anxiety, social anxiety and depression. That’s why it’s so important to counter negativity with encouragement, support and self-love.
Self-Sabotage and ADHD
Feelings of shame and self-doubt often surface early on for those with ADHD. The shame about not being able to succeed at school or handle tasks as well as others starts early in life and continues into adulthood. Children with ADHD feel “different” from their peers, which may fill them with increasing feelings of nervousness, doubt and uneasiness. Over time, personal vigilance grows into anxiety about messing up and not measuring up. Embarrassment and shame lead to a desire to avoid that insecurity and pain at all costs. Attempts to avoid pain or embarrassment often manifest as self-sabotaging behaviors.
Signs of Self-Sabotage
There are a number of behaviors and modes of thought which are indicative of self-sabotage. Take a little time to self-reflect and determine whether you are negatively affected by the self-sabotaging indicators below:
- Avoidance: Staying away from people or situations that cause discomfort
- Procrastination: Putting off getting things done because of a fear of failure
- Fixed mindset: Believing that you can’t change and your abilities will not improve; blaming and shaming yourself for mistakes you may have made
- Exercising control over others: Attempting to control others’ behaviors or situations that seem uncertain and provoke your anxiety
- Pleasing others at your own expense: Making choices to be accepted or liked by people, even if they go against your values or better judgments; depending on others for validation and approval
- Engaging in risky behaviors: Harming yourself through substance abuse, gambling, sexual promiscuity, cutting, eating disorders, etc.
- Using “Compare and Despair” to your own detriment: Looking at what others do, and comparing yourself negatively to them
- Perfectionism: Trying to control outcomes as a way to manage anxiety; "letting perfect be the enemy of good enough"; needlessly getting caught up in the weeds or building obstacles where they don't need to be; looking for the one perfect solution instead of taking steps forward, even if not under ideal conditions
Tools to Address Self-Sabotage
Even though it may seem like self-sabotage is a lot to deal with, it is possible to manage and even overcome self-sabotaging tendencies. Some approaches, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), are longer term treatments. But there are several tools and mindful awareness exercises you can practice any time to help manage self-sabotaging thinking day-to-day.
1. Establish healthier alternatives to limiting beliefs, negative self-talk and safety-seeking behaviors
Practice mindfulness by focusing on being present and aware of your thoughts instead of letting preoccupation and worries what other people think about you distract you. Pay attention to what’s happening around you in the present moment instead of noise in your head. 
Sometimes we find ourselves being pulled into a cycle of negativity, worry, predicted failure or harsh self-judgment. In these cases, reverse course by slowing down and identifying any negative beliefs. Recall positive outcomes that have occurred before, and remind yourself that they are possible again. Encourage yourself to power through.
“If I get stuck, I sometimes do better if I can commit to starting and working on a task for 15 minutes. It is good to negotiate with yourself, and build in rewards for following through."
2. Identify phrases of self-sabotage, and create rebuttals
When your “negative brain” tells you, “You’re not good enough, why bother?” train your “positive brain” to answer, “Don’t underestimate yourself–give it a try and see what happens!” Create your own list of encouraging phrases to use when you want to cut the negative self-talk short. Remember, you are not your thoughts, but you are the one who is aware of them. You can choose not to believe them or push them back with the power of positive thinking. This takes work and a lot of practice, so expect yourself to stumble and have setbacks. Forget about “compare and despair,” and looking sideways at what others are doing. Instead, look at where you’ve come from and where you want to go. “When my brain is working against me, I find ways to increase dopamine or just rest if that is really what I need and eliminate the perceived judgment of other people.”
3. Set small behavioral goals that are low risk experiments to build confidence
These are learning experiences that test/defy those negative self-beliefs. Take a measured risk based on previous successes. For example, if you are anxious about attending a social gathering, set a small goal for yourself, such as “I’m going to smile at new people.” Once you’re comfortable with smiling, take it up a notch with a goal such as “I’m going to talk to 1-2 people standing alone” or “I will focus on the conversation in the moment and make a reflective or topic-related comment.” Afterwards, assess how the situation went and how you felt. Did you have conversations that may have been awkward but weren’t damaged by them? Write a journal entry or voice memo about your experience and what you learned from it.
4. Adjust expectations to include the natural stumbles of being human; separate your ADHD brain from your character
Because of your ADHD, your thoughts may have a tendency to run away from you, making them harder to get back and control. Train your attention to move away from negativity and internal noise. We can’t turn off these thoughts entirely, but we can lower the volume on them and see them as background noise. You’re only human, so you will make mistakes and feel awkward time-to-time. Your ADHD brain may make things tougher to manage, but you are still a good, worthy and capable person who has a lot to offer. “ADHD doesn’t make me less of a person or less valid. It makes me a different sort of person who is still valid and valuable.”
5. Use a growth mindset approach
Shift away from trying to prove your worth to others using false comparisons or judging yourself as less than. Transition from seeing yourself in a negative light to practicing compassion and kindness toward yourself. We are all works in progress, learning and developing at our own speeds. Believe in the power of "YET." Tell yourself, “I may not be able to do this YET, but I am learning.” Practice kindness and patience towards yourself.
6. Healing meditation
Picture yourself at a beautiful spot outside. Visualize the face of someone you really love. What encouraging words would this person say to you? How would these words comfort and encourage you? Write these down, and meditate on these images and words whenever you need to heal or empower yourself. Living with ADHD means experiencing moments when you’re aware that you are struggling or have messed up, but you don’t necessarily know why or how to fix it. This can develop into persistent worry and self-sabotage, and this anxiety can overpower us. Focus on building up your reserve of positive experiences, and, in turn, you’ll begin to minimize those pesky negative thoughts. A combination of CBT and mindful awareness practices can help. And, if we go back to basics, self-care is a powerful antidote to self-sabotage. So remember, be kind and loving toward yourself today and every day.
Read more blog posts:
- Perfectionism and ADHD: Why ‘good enough’ is better than perfect
- Productive Procrastination and ADHD: How to stop running in place and start tackling your goals
- New Year, New Habits, Same ADHD: How to plan for and maintain new habits together, as a family
Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel: Stop the Self-Sabotage: How to Support Yourself with Love https://youtu.be/nphiSl0ka30 Deeper Dive – Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/anxiety/