Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 5/18/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 5/18/22

Organizing Tips for ADHD Adults Who Feel Unmotivated: Pivoting from procrastination to productivity

ADHD adult looking sad and unmotivated as he stares at a big pile of dishes in the sink. Do you see a pile of unfolded laundry, turn around, and run away? Are you feeling like your get-up-and-go took off and left for Bermuda? If so, you share something in common with many other adults with ADHD: avoiding unpleasant activities that lack interest. That is, until you can't put them off any more. Sometimes you just don’t feel like doing the 'have-to' thing. You’re tired; the task seems insurmountable; it’s boring to stop what’s fun. Whatever the reasons are, many people right now are feeling resilience fatigue and struggling with productivity. Here are my organizing tips for ADHD adults who are ready to pick themselves up and pivot to more productivity.

Shifting your perspective to give yourself a chance

While procrastination can be debilitating, the negative self-talk about your lack of motivation, disorganization and overwhelm can be downright toxic. When your inner critic rages at you for all of the things you aren’t doing, and all of the ways that you don’t measure up, gathering up whatever strength you have to initiate anything seems impossible. You may feel hopeless and stuck. Here’s the good news: you can change your circumstances by shifting your perspective. Instead of repeating what’s wrong with you, or what you can’t do, what would it be like to think about something that you are good at? Something that you like to do? What's one small action that you could take to begin?

Utilize incentives to get moving

This weekend, when the temperatures soared into the eighties in Massachusetts. I had no choice but to tackle my closets. I needed shorts and tee shirts instead of my turtlenecks and corduroys. Moving my clothes twice a year is one of my all-time dreaded tasks, but it has to get done. Organizing basket of dirty laundry To make matters more complicated, this year I decided to get rid of stuff that I haven’t worn in the past three years or more. It was torturous. But by Sunday, I had two kitchen garbage bags full of clothes to sell or give away. Sure, I felt good, but it was super tough going at times. I even cried once. How did I manage to accomplish this? By breaking the onerous chore into separate categories: shirts, pants, skirts, sweaters and socks, and doing one type of clothing at a time. By rewarding myself with breaks outside, a long bike ride, phone calls with friends and an iced coffee with a cookie. Incentives were key. I'm sharing this story not to brag, but to make a point. Everybody struggles with doing unpleasant, boring tasks sometimes.

The three types of procrastination

Perfectionism – “I have to get it right or I won’t do it”
Avoidance – “I hate doing this thing, it seems impossible, so why bother trying?”
Productive – “I’m going to do other things that need to get done and feel good but staying away from the bigger thing that I don’t like.”

Procrastination tips for ADHD adults

1. Reflect on your own patterns of procrastination

Take some time to consider the ways that you procrastinate. Do any of the three types of procrastination (perfectionism, avoidance, productive) resonate with you in particular? Does more than one? Which thoughts or beliefs come up for you when you think about why you might procrastinate? When you understand your patterns of procrastination, you’ll feel more empowered and be more effective at reducing your delay tactics.

2. Break big tasks into smaller, more manageable tasks

Procrastination is often related to anxiety and a failure mentality. The best way to combat procrastination is to break things down into small, doable chunks that seem more manageable. Breaking things down into parts makes them more manageable to attempt because you are asking yourself to do a tinier task. Looking through a glass divider at an ADHD adult in a gray suit who circled "now" and crossed out the words "later," "tomorrow," and "next week" with black marker on the glass to show motivation and conquering procrastination. Think of something that you are putting off. How can you break this down into little parts and which one piece can you start with? If you still can’t initiate, the part isn’t small enough. Instead of putting all of the socks together, what about just folding one shirt? You might think this is ridiculous: that’s okay, it’s just your inner critic trying to thwart you again. Activate your inner coach instead, and tell that voice to take a seat and zip it while you experiment. This trial approach builds your confidence one step at a time because you are performing something instead of avoiding it.

2. Keep the tasks engaging

Keep yourself engaged in a task by adding something fun to it–music, talking with a friend, co-working. It’s tough for unmotivated ADHD brains to get started on something that seems tedious and boring. What can you do to liven things up a bit? Change the order of tasks, take timed movement and snack breaks, switch locations for working, offer yourself an enticing incentive or find an accountability buddy. Create realistic goals--ones that you can actually meet and want to achieve.

Organizing tips for ADHD adults

Organizing tasks can be especially daunting for many adults with ADHD. Where to begin? Creating a system and a routine for dealing with your stuff can help you. Here are three organizing tips for ADHD adults to help get you started:

1. Find or make homes for your belongings

My dad always says, “Everything has its place.” I think this helped him know where to put things so he could remember where they were. When you are trying to cope with that pile of gloves, hats and winter scarves, ask yourself: Where can these things live? Use bins or baskets if putting stuff into drawers doesn’t work.

2. Sort through clutter with labeled piles

When dealing with the mail or sorting through a cluttered closet, mark four bags. One is KEEP, one is TRASH, one is GIVE AWAY and one is MAYBE. Sort through your belongings, and, if you need assistance, ask a supportive friend or family member to be your advisor via FaceTime, Zoom or Skype.

3. Move past the negative self-talk

A woman organizing her clothes, folding laundry and smiling at the camera Lastly, reframe the negative names you call yourself. Replace ‘messy’, ‘sloppy’ or ‘being a slob’ with ‘chaotic or ‘cluttered’ which are much less pejorative. Instead of seeing yourself as someone who is messy, what about reframing yourself as a ‘pile person?’ Maybe you just like your piles. That’s okay, as long as they don’t overwhelm you or lead to hoarding.

Acknowledge your achievements

Motivation benefits from encouragement, so notice your progress! Instead of “why haven’t you finished that?” try acknowledging what you have accomplished with “I’ve gotten started. I threw away the junk mail. Cool.” Lean into your inner coach to keep trying and growing. When you specifically acknowledge your efforts, you nurture your positivity and promote the change you desire. The ideal positivity ratio should be three positives for every negative statement. Is this what you are giving to yourself? Start today by catching yourself doing something you’re proud of, and pivot from disengagement to productivity. Wait, what is that sound? Oh, I think I hear that junk drawer calling your name right now! Good luck, and remember to set up your incentive–your 'want-to'–first. You got this! Organizing tip for junk drawers: plastic inserted divider tray.

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube channel:

Webinars, handouts & more in Dr. Saline's Store:

https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 5/10/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 5/10/22

Worried and Watchful: 7 Strategies for Helping Neurodivergent Kids Manage Anxiety

A graphic of 4 illustrated kids managing anxiety, sitting on the ground and looking upset inside gray bubbles Most kids and adults just want their anxiety to go away NOW. As parents, we try to anticipate and cope with the fear of our child or teen by trying to protect them from the pain. I don't know about you, but this rarely worked in my family because the worries just came back. Instead, anxiety needs to be addressed head on. We have to teach our kids tools to cope with their own worries. Helping kids learn to manage anxiety will help them feel empowered and confident to take risks and meet unforeseen challenges.

Anxiety relief – beyond reassurance

Anxiety loves reassurance because it offers short-term relief from discomfort. However, telling kids that everything will be okay, or not to worry, only increases long-term anxiety. These reassurances don't work because you are not teaching the necessary coping skills your child or teen actually needs. Instead, everybody benefits when you take a different approach. Although it’s more useful to acknowledge their fears, validate their concerns, and brainstorm solutions–together, let's face it–this can be a tougher road to travel.

Neurodivergent kids: From anxious to resilient

Unlike nervousness, which goes away once a skill has been mastered, anxiety can take over a child or teen’s life. Worry differs from anxiety. Worry refers to how we think about something. Anxiety is a physiological response based on negative thoughts and distorted beliefs. We cannot eliminate anxiety; it’s a natural human response that’s evolved for survival. It thrives in the petri dish of natural child development and also in a culture that is obsessed with comparisons and instant gratification. Without useful self-management strategies, and unable to access the internal resources they need, anxious kids can freak out and refuse to do anything. However, they can learn to talk back to worried, negative thoughts. They can also practice relying on past successes for confident choices in the present. These strategies will help them learn how to tolerate the discomfort of not knowing. They can also learn to accept the possibility of disappointment. This is how neurodivergent youngsters develop the resilience that’s crucial for becoming a competent, successful adult.

How ADHD and anxiety differ and relate

Sad and anxious preteen walking alone outside, wiping a tear from her eye Despite misdiagnoses, ADHD differs significantly from anxiety. While kids with ADHD wrestle with organization, working memory challenges and impulse control, kids with anxiety struggle with compulsive, obsessive or perfectionistic behaviors, psychosomatic ailments and debilitating specific phobias. Issues related to food, housing or job insecurity, systemic racism or trauma further intensify anxiety. According to the CDC, approximately 7.1% of children aged 3-17 years old currently have an anxiety diagnosis. But, for 34% kids with ADHD, anxiety is often a frequent companion. Neurological patterns and executive functioning challenges make it harder for kids to manage big feelings. Plus, neurodivergent youngsters often miss visual or auditory cues or misread facial expressions. These challenges can foster social anxiety and social discomfort. Concerns about ‘messing up again’ amp up into persistent worry about the next time that they will (unwittingly) make a mistake, say an unexpected comment or forget something important.

How to respond to your kid's worries

Anxiety is a shape-shifter. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to deal with one issue, another one pops up. It’s like playing Whack A Mole. To avoid this frustration, you’ve got to step back. See how your youngster's anxiety operates, and don't react to the content. Young boy looking upset as his father sits next to him, trying to help him feel better It’s the reaction to the worry–not getting rid of it–that makes the difference. Dismissing concerns (“This isn’t that big of a deal. You’ll be fine.”) doesn’t honor the reality of their worry. It will grow. Reassurance (“Don’t worry, everything will work out.”) also doesn’t provide a lasting solution. That's because your teen learns to rely on other people making things okay for them, even though no one really can. Instead, validate their concern by saying, “You’re right to be scared. You’re not sure you can handle that. It’s natural to worry in that situation. What else could you say to yourself?” This lets them know that you heard their worry and acknowledge that it’s real, while simultaneously guiding them towards managing it. Practical tools for helping kids manage their own anxiety is what works best to reduce it. Here are 7 strategies to try.

7 Strategies to help neurodivergent kids manage their anxiety

1. Manage your own concerns first

Kids have incredible radar. They easily pick up when their parents are stressed or anxious, and it increases their own distress–consciously or unconsciously. The first step to helps kids manage their anxiety is to lower your own anxiety. Discuss your concerns with your partner, a friend, extended family member or counselor. Write these down, and then strategize responses or to-do action items for each by creating an Anxiety Decelerator Plan. This ADP will help you feel like you have some control. For instance, if your child needs more academic support, you can contact the school to set up a meeting.

2. Identify their worries

We can’t assist kids in turning down the frequency or intensity of their anxiety unless we know what’s causing it. Worried thinking and environmental triggers can set off children and teens. We want to stop this tumble. During your weekly or twice a week check-in meetings (these are a must), explore what might be uncomfortable or uncertain for them. Write these down. Pick one fear together to address first. When its volume is lower, you can pick another. Remember, people can really only change one thing at a time.

3. Change the relationship to anxiety

Think like Sherlock Holmes, and investigate anxiety like a puzzle. When, where and how does it show up? What are its triggers? Brainstorm with your teen what to say when worry arrives: “Hmm, that sounds like worry. What could you say to size it down?” In addition, separate anxiety from who your teen is. Many kids feel powerless about anxiety and benefit from redefining it as something distinct from who they are.

4. Stay neutral and compassionate without fixing

Father and daughter making pancakes together and smiling Most of the time, your teen needs your support in thinking through responses to tricky situations, but not solving them. (Of course, there will be situations when you must intervene, such as cases of bullying, violence, academic failure or risky behaviors.) Kids of anxious parents are more likely to be anxious themselves. Monitor your reactions about your child’s anxiety, and refrain from discussing your concerns in public. React neutrally, regardless of their irritating, frustrating and sometimes scary behaviors. These behaviors are demonstrating how out of control your child or teen feels inside, which is why anxiety exists in the first place.

5. Start small to build confidence

Anxiety is great at erasing memories of past successes, which is compounded for kids with ADHD and their working memory challenges. Choose a goal that’s within reach, and work on taking a small step first. What would your teen want to do if anxiety wasn’t there? Help them recall times when they took a risk and succeeded. Then, discuss how those strategies can apply to this situation. Offer them language: “I’m willing to feel unsure. I can grab onto my courage and try this.” This helps calm the anxious brain.

6. Opt for curiosity over anxiety

It’s tough to stand in uncertainty, and, frankly, adolescence is filled with unknowns. Kids often feel a distinct lack of control in their lives, which fuels their anxiety. Instead of worried thoughts, though, you can assist kids to shift to curiosity. Where anxiety shuts youngsters down and predicts negative outcomes, curiosity opens them up to possibilities. Help kids manage their own anxiety by working with them to say: “I wonder about...” rather than “I’m worried about...”

7. Focus on building resilience

Resilience is the antidote to anxiety. When your kids identify strengths and people who care about them, and develop interests, they feel more confident. Find ways to connect on things that matter to them, like a favorite computer game or a funny YouTube video. Nurturing this connection will improve their willingness to work with you in tackling anxiety. Teenage girl standing in front of a brick wall holding up a skateboard

Read more blog posts:

Watch on YouTube:

Upcoming Live Webinar with Dr. Saline:

"Beyond High School Graduation: How to help neurodivergent teens prepare for their next chapter"

Wednesday, May 11, 2022, 7:15-8:45pm EDT

Learn more and register here!

Sources: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022, March 4). Data and statistics on children's Mental Health. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved May 11, 2022, from https://www.cdc.gov/childrensmentalhealth/data.html. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2021, September 23). Data and Statistics About ADHD. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved May 11, 2022, from https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/data.html.

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 4/30/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 4/30/22

Consistent Parenting in ADHD Families: A 5-step plan for improving cooperation and communication

mom laughing and hugging teen son and daughter Many parents who are frustrated with their ADHD children come into my office and complain that “No matter what we do, our child doesn’t change. Nothing works.” As I meet with these families, the heart of the problem usually lies with inconsistency. Sometimes parents can create a plan of action to deal with behaviors and stick with it. Other times, they are improvising moment by moment. Too often, they get stuck and feel defeated. With all of these different scenarios, the ADHD kids, who thrive on predictability, can end up feeling confused and unsure of what is expected of them. How can we change these patterns and create more success? Taking a more predictable, consistent approach to parenting will help improve cooperation and communication.

The pitfalls of inconsistency

confused boy against background of question marks Inconsistent parenting reflects mixed messages and unclear rules that evolve over time and unintentionally. It’s not something people decide to do: it frequently occurs because parents are tired, worn down and out of ideas. And for kids with ADHD, a lack of clarity can feel chaotic and stressful, pushing them to act out or melt down. They just don’t know what to do or how to get there. So, it’s up to the parent to provide a better roadmap.

Inconsistent parenting can look like this:

- One school night, you let your 10 year old ADHD son stay up with you until 11 pm to watch the football play-off game. That way, you didn't have to miss any of the action while putting him to bed. Yet, a few days later, when he wants to watch a basketball game with you past 10 pm, you refuse.

- You tell your teenage daughter that she will lose her phone for the evening when she doesn’t clean up her room, as you both agreed. But then, you let her keep her phone when she goes out so that you can reach her.

From your child’s point of view, if you can make one exception to a rule, why not another one next time?

Parenting consistency for your ADHD child

mother having conversation with teen son on couch Consistent parenting means having the same consequences for the same behaviors over time—again and again and again. They don’t change and can’t be negotiated. It means that you don’t give your ADHD children and teens consequences that you can’t enforce or remember or don’t want to deal with. ADHD kids need to know what is coming so they can learn from their experiences and start to understand that their actions have effects. This is exactly where their executive functioning skills, like self-regulation, are weak and require additional support. These skills require time and repetition to develop. It’s up to you, the parent, to create the space and opportunity for your child to practice these skills. You can help your ADHD child by setting appropriate limits and meaningful consequences. When your child pushes beyond these limits, the goal is to teach them to make better choices, and not simply dole out punishments. Consistent parenting will allow your child or teen to link their actions to consequences. When kids and teens know what to expect, they feel more secure and are more likely to be cooperative.

5 Steps toward more consistent parenting

parents and two kids jogging in the park You have to lay the foundation for this consistency by establishing clear guidelines for behavior with your child or teen that mean something to them and to you. For example, if they abuse screen time privileges, they lose screen time the following day. Or, if they break a sibling's toy on purpose, they will need to fix or replace the toy with their allowance money. The process to establish behavioral guidelines for your family is collaborative, but ultimately not democratic. You still have the final and most powerful vote because, after all, you are the responsible adult. How can you begin this process?

Step 1:

Get some paper and a pen, and sit down with your family. Start with a fair assessment of the basic rules. Ask your kids what they think the consequences should be for not following them. Sometimes they will come up with ideas that are far more impactful than you will.

Step 2:

Pick the top 3 issues that need fixing and create a plan of action for not cooperating. Write everything down. Be clear and specific about what hasn’t been working. Explain that you’re looking to problem-solve, not blame or punish.

Step 3:

Meet alone with your parenting partner (if you have one) and go through this list. Ask yourselves if you can honestly follow through on the consequences and how you can support each other to do so. If you can’t do them, come up with other ideas that you can enact. When it comes to discipline, both you and your partner must be on the same page.

Step 4:

Meet again with the family to go over the plan. Ask your child to repeat it back to you to make sure they “get it.” Post the plan in a place where everyone can see it and refer to it when needed.

Step 5:

Meet once each week for 3 months to check in and see how things are going. Celebrate and continue to encourage any improvements. If no progress is being made, consider making some adjustments to the plan. young boy taking selfie with sister and parents in the park As with all parenting, consistency is a process–there are no quick fixes. When your child sees you holding firm and following through on set expectations, they will, in time, do the same. Greater parenting success comes from clear expectations and predictable consequences.

Join Dr. Saline's upcoming live webinar:

“Beyond High School Graduation: How to help neurodivergent teens prepare for their next chapter”

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 4/27/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 4/27/22

Therapy for ADHD: 5 Tips for Finding the Right Therapist for a Child, Teen or Adult with ADHD

Adult man sitting on the couch talking to a therapist. Recently, I received an email from a mom whose 11 year old son was recently diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia. She said, “I am trying to find someone for him to speak with. What should I be looking for in a therapist? I want to find someone that can explain to him what is going on in his brain and that there is nothing wrong with him. I’m not sure where to begin.” This is such an important issue, so I decided to write this article to help other parents and adults who are seeking therapy for ADHD. If you are looking for guidance and advice on how to find the best therapist match for you or your child, these tips are for you.

Taking the first step: acknowledgment

The first important step towards finding a therapist is acknowledging that you or your child need more support to manage work, school or daily life events. You may notice more times of sadness, anxiety or frustration. Or, you may be receiving feedback from the school that your child or teen is wrestling with completing schoolwork, making and maintaining friendships or having emotional outbursts. If you are an adult, you may find that you can’t make desired changes in your life. Or, perhaps you are using drugs or alcohol to cope with issues, or you feel lonely, disconnected and bad about yourself. Finding someone to talk to who knows about ADHD, understands executive functioning struggles, empathizes with your situation and works with you to find solutions can make things easier on all fronts.

What to look for in a therapist for ADHD

Your goal is to choose a therapist who doesn’t judge you or make you feel abnormal, but rather expresses empathy, listens to what you say, pays attention to nonverbal messages, and offers useful cognitive-behavioral, mindfulness interventions to improve daily functioning. Work with someone who can explain how your brain works and why self-regulation, disorganization, focus and initiation are common challenges when you live with an ADHD brain.

Knowledge and understanding about ADHD and co-occurring conditions

Therapist working with young adult client with brightly colored hair Therapy for ADHD, whether for children, teens or adults, includes the assessment, diagnosis and treatment of ADHD. However, it also addresses the mental health conditions that travel with it. Whether it's anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, bipolar disorder, trauma, oppositional defiant disorder, self-harming behaviors or substance abuse, a well-trained therapist will differentiate between these issues. They will also use a variety of evidence-based modalities to create appropriate interventions.

A licensed therapist

Therapists are licensed by the state after years of training and internships. They are legally bound to adhere to state ethical and practice regulations. They're also trained to consider issues of race, gender identity, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status and religion that affect identity development, lived experience and emotional and behavioral management. Typically, they look at a person with a wide lens, which includes environmental, family and couples’ issues. In addition, they examine connections between feelings, thoughts, behavior and bodily health.

A seasoned therapist

A seasoned therapist takes in the whole person: what’s happening psychologically, relationally, and in their environment. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with this child? Or what’s wrong with you,” they wonder about what’s happened in your life that has brought you here. They're curious about what’s going on in your present day experiences. They also plan how you can both work together to create a future that fits you and supports your authenticity.

What to expect in therapy for ADHD management and support

Although a crisis can be one type of motivator for wanting a therapist, some people seek therapy for ADHD in the pursuit of well-being and more satisfying relationships. Either way, when working with a child, teen or an adult with ADHD, the therapist has to do an intricate dance: They must move artfully between examining feelings, thoughts and behaviors while collaborating on interventions with the client. Family on a couch in a therapy session, with two parents with their arm around their young daughter. Interventions take aim at issues of daily living that perpetuate the problems they came in for. In order for healing and change to occur, there must be a practical aspect to the work that improves executive functioning challenges, builds self-esteem, improves resilience and lowers stress. In addition, when working with children and teens, there has to be a family component to the therapy since kids don't live in a petri dish. They need their parents to help them develop the skills they need for maturity and independence. It's important to get a sense of what this piece of the work would look like.

Therapy for ADHD: 5 tips for finding the RIGHT therapist

To find a therapist who best fits your needs requires a thorough vetting process. Be prepared to interview a few people before finding the one who clicks. Follow these tips to help you along the way:

1. Reflect on what you are looking for

Forget about being shy. You are shopping for a service. Decide in advance how many people you are willing to try out. Do you want someone who is quieter and more introverted, or someone more dynamic and actively engaged? Male or female? Older or younger? Be precise about what you want.

2. Do your homework

Get referrals from your physician, friends or colleagues before talking with your insurance company. Make sure whoever you see takes your insurance, and that your insurance company has approved you to meet with a few different people. You may also want to be able to interview one or two people before making a decision.

3. Conduct a phone assessment before meeting

You want to get a sense of what therapy would be like with them. Do they use the past to help you master troubling issues in the present? What types of interventions will they use to assist you and/or your child in applying and practicing what we discuss in session? Make sure that you are also clear about the logistics of therapy, including their cancellation policy and financial arrangements. Ask questions such as:

What type of training have you received about ADHD?
How many clients with ADHD have you worked with?
How would you describe your work?
Do you think you are an active participant who speaks freely, or more of a listener who speaks occasionally?
Do you coordinate with other professionals that might be involved?
When and how do you elicit feedback?

4. Inquire about collaborating with coaches

Coaching can dovetail nicely with therapy for ADHD. For example, your son may be working on social anxiety and making friends in therapy. At the same time, he might be getting help from a coach for strategies to complete homework without tears. Cartoon graphic of a woman offering therapy services to a mother and young teen. Some therapists incorporate coaching practices into their work with clients by focusing on action-oriented techniques and forward-looking goals. They may apply classic cognitive-behavioral tools, such as making lists, trial-and-error experiments, or giving an assignment for the family to do in-between sessions. Coaches, on the other hand, are not supposed to use ‘therapeutic’ tools, techniques or interventions for the treatment of a mental health diagnosis. This is because they are not a licensed therapist. When a therapist and a coach work with the same client, it’s best if they coordinate what they’re doing and clarify goals with each other. This way, boundaries can be kept clean, and progress can be monitored more effectively.

5. Give the therapist a chance, and trust your instincts.

A young boy on a couch, smiling and listening to a therapist with his hands clasped. The first few sessions of therapy are to get to know each other and see if you are a good fit. Prepare to share information about yourself, and ask them any questions you may have about them and their work. Meet alone with the therapist once or twice before introducing your child to provide adequate background information. Then, if necessary, go with them on their first session to facilitate introductions and discuss why you are there. If things seem especially awkward, and your gut tells you to continue looking, follow your instincts. Otherwise, if there's a natural flow of conversation, solid listening, pertinent questions and a positive connection, you might find the session going well. If that's the case, try returning for a second session and embark on the therapeutic process.

Handouts, Webinars & More in Dr. Saline's Store:

ADHD Webinar Recording: “Beyond High School Graduation: How to help neurodivergent teens prepare for their next chapter”

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 4/20/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 4/20/22

Managing Meltdowns and ADHD with the 4 R's: How to help calm and reconnect with kids and teens

Mother with her two kids happily baking together at the kitchen table. It’s a rainy Saturday, and you decide to bake chocolate chip cookies with your son, Leo (age 10), who has ADHD, and your daughter, Anya (age 8), who does not. Initially, things go smoothly with the kids taking turns as they move through the steps of the recipe. At one point, though, you ask Anya to crack both of the eggs because Leo often misses the bowl with most of the yolk, and he loses it. Suddenly, it's time for managing meltdowns. Leo starts yelling at her, and then at you, for not making sure things were fair. “Why didn’t you give me a chance?” he screams. “Leo,” you say gruffly, “Here, you add the flour. It’s not a big deal.” His face turns red: “She gets to do all of the good stuff.” Leo flips over the buttered cookie sheets and storms off to his room. Anna starts to cry and, to be honest, you’re feeling a bit teary yourself. In moments like this, what can you do to support both children and maintain your own composure?

Seeing 'acting out' behaviors from a different angle

When a child or a teen shows their distress, what they are sharing is just the tip of the iceberg. Whether you see crying, protesting, hitting, running away, shutting down or seething, these behaviors are all signals that something is going on underneath the surface. Our job is to try to learn what that is. Of course, behavior is behavior. When it’s unexpected, unkind or dysregulated, it’s often not acceptable. However, as parents, educators or counselors, our job is to look for clues at what kids are really trying to communicate.

Underneath that behavior is either: (1) a struggle to adapt to or accommodate to demands of a given situation or (2) an ineffective effort to express unmet needs and get them satisfied.

Learning what's beneath the surface

For so many kids with ADHD, clear communication of what’s really going on for them is a challenge. Start with a HALT assessment (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). Then, move on to uncover other needs. For instance, they may have a need to stay busy. This might be because their mind gets distracted easily or they dislike feeling bored. They may want what only they want because they can’t tolerate disappointment. Or, they may not know what they need, which is very uncomfortable, too. Mother yelling through a microphone at her preteen kid who looks back surprised As tough as it might be in tense moments–our job as adults is to manage ourselves while distinguishing between (1) their intentional behaviors and (2) their physiological stress responses. Is this on purpose, or is this on neurological autopilot? Perhaps the emotional brain has perceived a threat or danger and reacted without having the thinking brain to modulate. With naturally weaker executive functioning skills, many kids with ADHD go to this neurological autopilot faster than their neurotypical peers. Of course, trigger warnings differ from person to person. This is tough in those high-octane moments because you may not know what has set off your child or teen.

Managing meltdowns from conflict to calm

Stress in the body doesn’t respond to punishments or rewards. Instead, the body needs calm responses to encourage and elicit settling down. This starts with a pause, calling a stop in the action, which is so very hard to do. Then, there’s acknowledging what is happening in real time, without blame. For example, how do you respond when Leo becomes activated and starts to yell? Ideally, your first response would be acknowledging his disappointment and frustration rather than redirecting him to the flour. That is because he experiences the redirection as you ignoring his feelings. In addition, one person’s emotional upset can have a cascading effect on other people. This is why co-regulation, maintaining your self-Control to keep your feelings in check, matters so much. The calmer that you can remain, the better the chances are that your child or teen will settle faster.

How conflict originates

Mother with her hand out talking to her son on his laptop at the kitchen table Conflict generally occurs from a combination of how we try to attend to our needs and when we express them with blame, demands and aggression. In heated moments, it can be tough to remember that kids (and adults) would always prefer to regulate, if they could figure out how to do that. We can help our kids by shifting our perspectives and our words from “why can’t you” to “what about this is hard right now?” When people feel met where they are, and accepted even in moments of profound distress, it slows down the activation process and starts the process of healing.

Managing Meltdowns with the 4 R's of Relationship Co-Regulation

Follow these 4 R’s of Relationship Co-Regulation to help your family cope with meltdowns and improve cooperation and accountability:

1. Reflect:

Reflect back what you hear them say without interpretations. “I hear that you wanted a chance with the eggs. Is that right?” Or, “I notice that you want things to be fair. Did I get that correct?”

2. Reframe:

Change a demand into a request. When your child says, “I want my bagel now,” ask them to restate that into a question. Instead of you commanding, “Set the table now for dinner,” try “It would be great if you would set the table now,” or “Would you please set the table now?” Become more mindful of your tone as well by practicing tone of voice (T.O.V.) awareness.

3. Respond:

When facing a problem to solve or a power struggle, respond with a solution inquiry from a WE perspective and brainstorm options. “How can we work together to deal with the dirty laundry on your bedroom floor today?” “What can we do about dishes that you left in the sink last night?” You invite their participation and their creative thinking.

4. Redirect:

This occurs when you choose one of those options you just brainstormed together. But, sometimes you just can’t find a decent solution. That’s okay. In those moments, it’s time for a pivot. Agree to set aside whatever isn’t working and move on to something else. Later, maybe even the next day, return to the issue and discuss it briefly. You don’t want to stir the whole thing up again, but rather, offer your compassion for their struggle, and decide if there is something to do at this point.

Remembering and celebrating the positives

Family of four laughing, singing and hugging indoors under string lights. In the midst of the hardest moments, maintaining some type of positive connection with your child or teen is the ultimate goal, and sometimes the most challenging. Many kids with ADHD have a loud and active internal voice of criticism and negativity. Lean into their positive choices and cooperative behaviors by noticing and validating their efforts. Consider making a Practice-Makes-Progress Panel on your refrigerator, a bulletin board, or some empty wall space with Post-its detailing an effective choice. As reminders of past successes, these can act as cues for the future and nurture positive self-esteem, too.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

Let it Go! When ADHD Kids Just Don't Stop | ADHD Parenting Q&A

https://youtu.be/Mub5xU7f3Fs Learn more in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/defeating-the-worry-monster-a-parenting-webinar-for-parents-of-elementary-school-kids/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 4/13/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 4/13/22

Helping your ADHD Teen Get Out of the “Compare and Despair” Trap: Strategies for Nurturing Self-Acceptance

group of smiling teens Can you think of a time when you compared yourself to others and felt good about yourself? How about a time when you felt like you didn’t quite measure up? Unfortunately, the latter is more common. We tend to compare ourselves to people whom we think are better or happier than we are, not worse. For kids and adults with ADHD who grow up as neurodivergent, outside-the-box thinkers, it’s common to doubt yourself and feel like you aren’t enough as you are. This unhelpful mode of thinking is called “compare and despair.” It’s the distress we feel when constantly measuring ourselves against others whom we perceive to be doing better than we are. This pattern of thinking often starts in adolescence, and, if left unchecked, holds people back from expressing their talents and reaching their full potential. Teens with ADHD are particularly susceptible to fall into this trap. At this developmental stage, they are naturally wrestling with reflecting on who they are and who they would like to become. That’s why it’s important for parents to catch the signs of compare and despair and gently guide your adolescent towards a different perspective: one that focuses less on scrutiny and more on personal value and strengths.

Measuring up to fit in

teen girl playing guitar Teenagers have a deep desire to fit in, be accepted and feel included, which is where the process of examining others and contrasting themselves begins. Adolescence is a period of growth and development, when children start forging their own identities instead of just being extensions of their parents. Teens observe and absorb how others dress, behave and function in their surroundings to figure out how they themselves should act and be in the world. They find themselves in adult bodies, but they still possess younger brains. For kids with ADHD, whose executive functioning skills can lag up to three years behind their peers, these gaps can be painfully evident. As adolescents examine their gender, sexual, racial and ethnic identity, they ask: “Who am I, where do I belong, what do I believe?” In the shifting process of pulling away from family bonds and moving into society at large, teens measure themselves against others as a way of beginning to answer these questions.

When social comparisons become unhealthy

teens focused on their cell phones It’s natural to compare yourself to others and look for similarities and contrasts as part of identity formation. Comparisons can be productive. A teen with a healthy sense of competitiveness is motivated to do better at school or work harder at their sport. Social comparisons can be motivating and inspiring: “I’d like to sing as well as Kaia so I can be in the musical next year.” However, they can also be dispiriting and hopeless: “Since I’m never going to be as fast as Joaquim, or play on the A squad for soccer, maybe I should just quit the team.” Kids frequently vacillate between these poles. Teens are also bombarded with idealized images, videos and stories about success, social prowess and beauty standards on social media, television and print journalism. These are often exaggerated, purposefully altered or altogether fake. It can be hard to know whom to trust and what to believe–leaving your child feeling anxious and inadequate. In fact, using social media has been found to have a significant downside in terms of self-esteem, self-concept and well-being; resulting in envy, guilt, blame, lying and increased rates of depression. When comparisons lead to an unhealthy sense of self, unrealistic expectations and anxiety, it’s not only time for a reset, but it's also an indication that your teen may need support from a mental health provider.

ADHD teens and the compare and despair trap

“ADHD makes me feel short changed compared to others.” teen boy covering face with hand The teenage years are tough for many. For teens with ADHD, this transition period can be even more difficult. ADHD teens deal with frequent negativity, lower self-esteem and higher anxiety than their neurotypical peers. That’s why they’re more susceptible to falling into the compare and despair trap. How much of this is due to ADHD, and how much of it is adolescence? It’s hard to tell, and there’s no clear answer. Teenagers who are already suffering from low self-esteem or depression are more likely to make frequent social comparisons. This is especially true for teens with ADHD, who have often received messages from a young age that being a different type of thinker was neither something positive nor to be admired. Therefore, your adolescent needs help learning how to see contrasts between themselves and others in a more positive light, with more curiosity and acceptance and less negativity.

How can you help your teen reduce compare and despair?

Here are 5 strategies for resetting unrealistic expectations and fostering self-esteem:

1. Identify islands of competency.

What does your teen like to do and feel good about doing? Nurture this so they spend more time doing it. Guide them towards paying as much if not more attention to their strengths than their challenges.

2. Notice what is going well–when, where, what and how.

Point this out to your child. Positive feedback is essential to developing self-worth. Acknowledge small wins and validate their efforts along the way. Nurture appreciation of what is working in your teen’s life.

3. Define true friends and identify who they are.

Talk about the differences between good friends, buddies and acquaintances. Explore the traits of a friend and name the people in their life who fit into these categories. Encourage your teen to spend more time with people who make them feel good about themselves and, if necessary, assist them in figuring out how to get together with them.

4. Pay attention to what triggers negative comparisons and address those.

It’s important to help your teen find ways to either avoid these triggers and/or respond differently. Limit time on social media or get rid of apps that make your teen feel bad about themselves. Make sure you address FOMO–fear of missing out: many kids want to keep social media apps because they fear exclusion even though the app has harmful effects on their self-worth.

5. Encourage self-acceptance.

Ideally you want your adolescent to accept themselves for who they are–warts and all–and to be their own person. Deep down, they want this too. Talk about the myth of perfection. No one posts a photo of themselves with unruly morning hair or a failing grade on their history paper. Explore with your teen the limitations of comparing their insides to other people’s outsides. You really can’t know what is going on under the surface for another person. Source: Monroe, J. (2019, January 4). The theory of social comparison and Mental Health. Newport Academy. Retrieved April 13, 2022, from https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/empowering-teens/theory-of-social-comparison/

Read more blog posts:

Upcoming ADHD Webinar with Dr. Saline:

"Beyond High School Graduation: How to Help Neurodivergent Teens Prepare for Their Next Chapter"

Handouts, videos & more in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/whats-up-with-all-this-anger/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 4/6/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 4/6/22

The 4 Steps to New Habits with ADHD: Taking control of your routines to better meet your goals

a man in a red and white striped shirt enjoying a cup of tea on the deck by a pine tree Do you have a habit of saving old boxes in case you might need them at some point in the future? Or, perhaps you let your mail accumulate in a pile because you dread the sorting process or slam doors when you are angry? Some habits, like walking with the dog in the morning, wiping down counters before going to bed or laying out clothes for the next day, can be useful, and even good for you. Others, however, can hold you back and fuel unwanted clutter, chaos or unhealthy lifestyles. But, as the saying goes, old habits die hard. As much as you may want to change what you know doesn’t serve you, it can seem impossible–especially for adults with ADHD–to plan, initiate and follow through with making a much-needed shift. By focusing on one specific goal at a time, here's how you can create new habits with ADHD.

Habits and ADHD: When they help and when they don't

dog next to a mess of clothes on the bedroom floor Habits are defined as acquired patterns of behavior that are regularly repeated until they become almost involuntary. Habits usually develop to help us lower stress or meet an emotional need such as reducing fear, sadness or hurt. They may serve us when we start them and then cease to be useful, but we still can’t seem to stop doing them. This is particularly tough for many adults with ADHD who struggle with executive functioning challenges such as organization, impulse control and focus. With a 'Now/Not Now' brain, the satisfaction of doing a habit in the moment can overtake rational thoughts of making a different choice or simply tolerating the discomfort of change.

The three elements of a habit

Habits consist of loops of three elements: the trigger, the behavior and the benefit.

1. The trigger:

Initially, there is a trigger. For example, perhaps you are feeling anxious about a work issue. Then you see an email from your boss after dinner that intensifies your worry, and you are now feeling uncomfortable.

2. The behavior:

What happens next is the routine. A behavior or a set of actions that is geared towards distracting you or making you feel better. You plop down on your sofa and proceed to watch four hours of television.

3. The benefit:

The resulting reward is that you are sufficiently engrossed in your entertainment and not thinking about your boss (the trigger), so the habit is now complete. However, there’s a downside to this habit: you stay up too late, struggle to wake up the next morning, and get to work late again.

How to prepare for new habits with ADHD

Changing a habit means targeting one of the three habit components: reacting differently to the trigger, choosing an alternative behavior to address the ensuing discomfort, or responding to the pull of the benefit/reward with a healthier option. mother making a smoothie with her son In order to begin the process of changing a habit, you have to bring awareness to what it is and when you are engaging it. This is where mindfulness meets metacognition: you notice the habit, you observe the effect that it has on you (and others) and you reflect on what other options exist that would feel rewarding. Practice self-awareness in combination with self-evaluation: try to reflect on whatever beliefs you have about yourself or your life that are tied to the old habit – and without any judgment. Old habits are tough to break because they are familiar and easy to do. They can also promote safety from uncomfortable feelings, insecurity, irrational fears and/or self-criticism. Rather than letting shame or regret bring you down, practice self-compassion so you can move forward.

The 4 steps to creating new, effective habits

Step 1: Notice a habit

old habits and new habits signs on a lamppost Noticing a habit without judgment is key towards changing it. Look around your life, and select one thing that you would like to change. Instead of telling yourself negative things about the habit, remember that it once served a purpose and now it doesn’t. That’s all. Then, look at how the habit is affecting you now. If you could wave a magic wand and change it, what would you do? What would you like to see replace it? This is your overarching goal.

Step 2: Be specific about your goals

Precision is what’s needed to alter habits. It’s not enough to say, “I want to be on time to things,” because it’s not specific enough. Ask yourself questions about your goal that can help you hone in on the details. For example:

- What is one area of your life where being on time really matters and would make a difference?
- How will you arrive at the destination?
- How early do you want to arrive?

When you clarify what you want, it’s easier to make it happen.

Step 3: Break the goal down

Reduce your overarching goals into smaller parts that are manageable and achievable. Changing the whole aspect of an unwanted habit might be overwhelming and too difficult. Think in increments instead.

- What is one part that you could start with?
- Can you do this daily or weekly?
- What type of support would assist you from a friend, loved one or colleague?

Write down your larger goal, its smaller components and your strategy to refer to it.

Step 4: Practice, and aim for improvement–not perfection

a couple smiling and practicing a new habit of walking in the park Practice makes progress. All too often, people who are trying to change a habit dismiss their efforts along the way and only value the completion of the goal. You will need to encourage yourself to keep going and kindly talk back to the part of you that is connected to the old habit. It’s struggling to let go until it can be very sure that the new replacement habit will address any underlying fear, sadness or deficiency beliefs. Embrace the challenge of sustained practice instead of aiming for perfection. And remember, mistakes foster growth. It’s natural and expected to stumble, regroup and try again.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:

Daily Routine Tips for ADHD Adults: How to create + keep healthy habits

Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline’s Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 3/29/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 3/29/22

Emotional Wellness Strategies for Women with ADHD: How to reduce self-criticism & build self-confidence

women smiling with raised arms March is Women’s History Month, a time to recognize and celebrate women’s strength, accomplishments and contributions. Women carry a lot on their shoulders–from family, community, school and work responsibilities to societal expectations around physical appearance and behavior. That's a LOT of pressure. Women with ADHD, and women who care for neurodivergent children, must deal with yet another layer of stress, anxiety and self-doubt. And all too frequently, women lack much-needed support. Moreover, women are often their harshest and loudest critics, making it all that much harder to feel good and empowered. Emotional wellness for women begins with learning to quiet that negative inner-voice and make more space for confidence and resilience.

The critical feedback loop in women with ADHD

women holding head in her hands All too often, women with ADHD find themselves in a cycle of negativity. This self-critical feedback loop is hard to shake because the negative messages come from within. Women are often socialized to please others and take care of them–emotionally, physically and psychologically. Their self-worth is often feels tied to what people think about them and how many friends (real or virtual) they have instead of the uniqueness of their innate talents and personal traits. Women with ADHD, already sensitive to feedback or rejection, often interpret things more negatively and personally than the situation calls for. They are especially vulnerable to internalized low self-worth.

Change your relationship with the negative voice

While it’s unrealistic to completely eliminate negative thinking altogether, you can learn to reduce the power it holds. This is crucial for fostering self esteem and resilience–two key issues for women. In order to reduce its power, you have to change your relationship to the negative voice. Point out that there is a difference between real life and the stories that you tell yourself about those events. These interpretations directly influence the way someone takes meaning from whatever occurred. Putting negativity outside of yourself reduces feeling wrong or bad. It also helps you acknowledge the critical feedback loops in your mind without being ruled by them.

Make space for confidence and resilience with a positive mindset

The most powerful tool women have to counter negative thinking is self-esteem. Confidence empowers you to make decisions, get through life’s ups and downs and recover after setbacks. So while you’re quieting your inner-critic, turn up the volume on the voice that nurtures you with kindness and support.

1. Identify limiting core beliefs and negative self-talk

Find evidence that contradicts or supports those beliefs. Remember that no one is judging you as harshly as you judge yourself. Talk to people in your life who love and know you best, and get their perspective on all your best qualities. Consider asking them:

"Which of my qualities are most meaningful to you?"
"What do you consider to be my greatest talents?"

2. Separate feelings from being

Feeling bad doesn’t mean you are 'less than' or unworthy. It may be tough, but don’t allow these negative feelings to define who you are. Use self-affirming phrases such as:

“Mistakes are how people learn, and you’re learning.”
“Being wrong doesn’t mean you’re a bad person."

3. Create a few helpful phrases to say to yourself

Positive self-talk counter-acts that negative voice so you don’t have to believe it. Build confidence and quiet your inner critic with reminders of your strengths. Sample statements might be:

“Everyone makes mistakes, including me. What can I do differently next time?”
“There’s no such thing as perfection. It’s okay to stumble, just keep trying.”

4. Use a growth mindset approach

Shift away from trying to prove your worth to others using false comparisons or judging yourself as 'less than.' Transition from seeing yourself in a negative light to practicing compassion and kindness toward yourself. This involves taking time for some self-reflection. We are all works in progress, learning and developing at our own speeds. Believe in the power of “YET.” Tell yourself:

“I may not be able to do this YET, but I am learning.”
"I might not feel ready YET, but that could change soon."

5. Practice healing meditations

Picture yourself in your “happy place.” Visualize the face of someone whom you love and trust. What supportive words would this person say to you? How would these words comfort and encourage you? Write these down, and meditate on these images and words whenever you need to heal or empower yourself. If you’ve been stuck in a pattern of knocking yourself down, learning to pull yourself back up takes A LOT of practice. Learning to control the volume on that negative voice is a life skill that sustains crucial resiliency and self-esteem. It’s one step at a time so stay patient and persistent!

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline’s YouTube Channel:

Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline’s Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/shame/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 3/23/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 3/23/22

Reducing Regret as an ADHD Adult with the 4R's

girl looking up with her hands on her head looking upset with regret, like she forgot something Do you live with regrets? Regrets for things that you’ve done or things that you wish you had tried? If so, you are in good company. Many adults with ADHD carry around feelings of sadness, remorse or disappointment over something that happened in their lives or something that they did. This regret often acts as a form of self-sabotage: it’s a way to put yourself down that prevents you from living more fully in the present. Since you can’t go back, what’s called for is learning how to accept your actions, forgive yourself for the mistakes you made and pursue opportunities or interests in new ways. In essence, pivot and focus on changing what you can and you'll start reducing regret and improving resilience.

Enduring the many challenges that come with ADHD

When you have ADHD, weaker executive functioning skills frequently show up in daily struggles with verbal or behavioral impulse control, emotional regulation, organization, planning, time management and setting and completing goals. When you wrestle with these challenges over time, it can seem impossible to break old habits and create newer effective ones. To make matters more complicated, you may also criticize yourself for times when you yelled inappropriately, showed up late to an important meeting, missed a friend’s birthday or made a joke that fell flat. Perhaps you’ve engaged in knee-jerk reactions that you wish you hadn’t and lost work or meaningful relationships as a result. Shame and blame quickly set in and band together to lower your self-esteem and your confidence. Now you are living with intense, negative self-talk that seems impossible to change.

Reducing regret with the 4R's

meeting with professionals As adults, though, you can change your behavior by mindfully adopting new skills that create new neural pathways to offer you choices instead of reflexively reacting. Over the years, you, like many others, probably learned to hide your vulnerability underneath defensiveness and anger. What you need are new tools to tolerate your big emotions, manage hurt and disappointment and stop being your own worst enemy It’s not easy, but it is possible to stop “horribilizing” the events in your life and your own actions and start “efforting:” taking incremental, small steps toward doing more of what works. Focusing on the 4R's can help you reduce regret, nurture resilience and rebuild self-compassion.

The 4R's for reducing regret:

1. Radical awareness:

Look at thwarted dreams or disappointing actions and name them. Track when, where and how pessimistic or antagonistic thoughts arise.

2. Recognize:

Identify what was going on in your life at that time. Consider environmental, psychological, social, school, work or family factors.

3. Repair:

Ask yourself what it might take to restore a relationship or situation. How can you make amends, listen to feedback with more interest and neutrality and be (more) accountable?

4. Reconfigure:

Based on comments from others and your own assessment of yourself, reflect on how you can alter reactions or behaviors that hold you back from creating satisfying connections or achieving personal goals. Work on shifting just one thing: something you’ve adopted over time that gets in your way or hurts others. This can be intentional or not. Don’t try to change your whole personality: that’s neither realistic nor achievable. Instead, keep it small and doable.

Reshaping regret takes time, practice and forgiveness

two women hiking in the forest on a cloudy day Regret is a very powerful pattern to reshape. Changing it takes time and practice. Taking responsibility for your part with honesty and humility reduces shame and blame and leads to personal empowerment. It can be tough to be honest with yourself without judgment or to share your feelings and be vulnerable. That’s natural. Take it slow, and start with small things. Notice and validate your efforts by writing down at least one way that you responded differently each day–what went well. Focus on nurturing compassion for yourself, and start the progress of forgiveness–for yourself and towards others. Remember, we all do things we wish we hadn’t when we lack the personal or socioeconomic resources to make different choices in a given moment. Now you are shifting to new patterns of creating healthier coping strategies and living without less regret.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline's YouTube Channel: https://youtu.be/AZGrbNjUGlo Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline’s Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/shame/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/whats-up-with-all-this-anger/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 3/16/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 3/16/22

How to Nurture Connected Independence in Kids & Teens with ADHD: Parenting with the 5C’s Framework

As a parent, we have many hopes for our kids. We aim to teach them lifelong social and emotional skills while helping them be more efficient and effective in daily tasks. For children, teens and emerging (young) adults with ADHD, learning to manage themselves independently in the face of executive functioning (EF) challenges can be especially tough. Becoming self-reliant while feeling supported means embracing a new model of connected independence and redefining maturity for this generation. Shifting, flexibility, working memory and metacognition often work together to help growing minds adapt to new situations and apply past experiences to choosing how to understand and respond appropriately to them. You can help foster connected independence in your children and teens by nurturing a growth mindset, self-compassion and confidence. In this blog, let’s look at how my 5C’s framework cultivates parenting strategies that assist kids and teens in building the independence everyone desires so they can manage their lives successfully as they mature.

Skills for positive transitions in maturation

Many people mistakenly think about “launching” issues when their teens are in the last years of high school. This process actually begins long before senior year with each life stage transition that has preceded it. As part of their maturation, children will go through several periods of transition, such as entering primary school, middle school, high school and beyond. At each transition point, kids have to stretch themselves to adapt, adjust and grow. As parents, you benefit from adjusting your expectations, meeting your youngsters where they are and offering useful scaffolding along the way. Many children, adolescents and young adults with ADHD, learning disabilities, 2E, anxiety and autism spectrum disorders often struggle during these periods of adjustment due to weaker, slower maturing EF skills. Teaching tools for strengthening these lagging skills is not only essential, but it also can be frustrating for everybody. But maturation relies on learning these important skills, among others:

- Verbal impulse control
- Emotional regulation
- Social adjustment
- Planning, organization, motivation and persistence
- Self-understanding/meta-cognition
- Medical management (for older teens)

Of course, each person will develop at their own pace. Our role as parents is to offer support, guidance, strategies and positive reinforcement throughout the process. How can you do this?

Nurturing Connected Independence with the 5C’s Foundation

I developed the 5 C’s framework as a foundation for refining skills and fostering independence in ADHD children and teens. It’s a compassionate, collaborative approach to parenting that relies on working with kids for solutions to common problems to increase their buy-in and cooperation.

Here is a summary of the 5C’s framework:

self-Control:

You manage your own feelings first so you can act effectively and teach your child with ADHD to do the same.

Compassion:

Meet your youngster where they are, not where you expect them to be. Accept the ADHD brain, empathize, and try to understand what it’s like to walk a day in their shoes. Just as important is to have self-compassion – acknowledge when you’re struggling, when it’s time to pause and reset, and what support you may need.

Collaboration:

Work together with your child or teen and other important adults in their life to find solutions to daily challenges. When they are included in the process, they are more likely to cooperate in working with you and not against you.

Consistency:

As much as possible, do what you say you will do. Instead of aiming for impossible perfection, focus on steadiness. Nurture and validate your child’s efforts to do their best and do the same for yourself. Rely on do-able routines to provide comforting predictability while teaching essential EF skills such as organization, planning and prioritizing.

Celebration:

Notice and acknowledge what’s working by continuously offering words and actions of encouragement, praise and validation. Counteract the ADHD negativity bias by providing positive reinforcement of both efforts and accomplishments.

Connected independence in emerging adults develops over time using the 5C's

Beginning in middle school and up through college graduation, when kids believe that caring adults have their back, hold empathy for them. Work with them for solutions to challenges, and validate their efforts for self-reliance. Work on these strategies, and they will be far more willing to stay engaged in the relationship. As they edge into their later teens and early twenties, they want to be in the driver’s seat and ask for assistance instead of having you give it to them–even when you think they need to hear it. I struggle with this myself, particularly when I’m feeling anxious about something in one of my (young) adult children’s lives. Although I believe that I have valuable life experience and advice to share, to be honest, I am mostly rebuffed in my efforts to share it. Instead, I am trying to learn how to ask non-intrusive questions, respect their boundaries and wait for them to approach me. Sometimes, it’s interesting to see how they figure things out for themselves. Other times, it honestly feels like torture. Gen Z’ers want to live their own lives, knowing that they have emotional and/or physical support as needed. Parents are there for you, but they aren't running the show. Of course, this is a developmental process. Your middle-schooler needs more hands-on support than you high school senior: that’s appropriate. The trick is keeping scaffolding in place longer than you think and removing it slowly when you see the desired skill is in place more often than not.

The Value of a Growth Mindset in Fostering Connected Independence

Nurturing connected independence is a process of trial and error. Everybody tries something. Sometimes it works out, and, other times, it falls flat. That's okay. The important thing here is the process of efforting: trying something, regrouping if necessary and then trying again. This is the cornerstone of a growth mindset: your child believes that it is beneficial to take a risk and see what happens, learning from their experience.

1. Value effort over outcome

Because a growth mindset values the effort that was put into a task or activity more than the outcome, it enables learning and resilience. This is especially important for kids with ADHD since they tend to lean toward a fixed mindset. In a fixed mindset, people believe their basic qualities, like intelligence or talent, are fixed, unchangeable traits. In a growth mindset, people believe that their learning and intelligence can grow with time and experience. Acknowledging the value of effort will make it easier to tolerate the discomfort of letting your child try things on their own. Kids will make mistakes–that’s a part of learning. Chances are you’ll have to wipe up spills or drive to school with the forgotten lunch or book. Practice self-care by staying patient and calm.

2. Implement strategies and supports that are appropriate for your child's capabilities

It's important to create strategies and supports based on your child’s actual capabilities and not where you think they should be based on comparisons to other kids. Talk with your youngster about one of the maturation skills outlined above. Explore together where they are now and where both of you would like them to be. Identify and collaborate on age-appropriate responsibilities that your child is truly ready to handle. Whether it’s getting ready for school or bed, doing chores, time management, or homework completion, brainstorm with your child and pick one thing to work on first that you both agree on.

3. Adjust your expectations–and theirs–for various skill areas based on your child’s strengths and weaknesses

Lean into their strengths as a place to start. Kids with ADHD are sensitive about their challenges so collaborate with them to give them a sense of empowerment. Remember, their participation increases their cooperation. As you move forward, check in with yourself (and with them) about your plan and make changes together to foster the growth you both want to see. Continue to keep a double focus: on the skill itself and on doing more of what is working. Be sure to acknowledge and celebrate their efforts in the moment and then at your weekly family meeting.

4. Equip your child with helpful resources

Hang resources such as to-do lists, schedules of daily routines or upcoming events, reminders or other visual cues that you create together around the house. Create personal project planners together. Instead of reminding them about a specific task, redirect your child to use these tools. These tools builds sequencing, planning and shifting skills.

5. Collaborate on meaningful incentives to effectively boost motivation

Consider using collaborative incentives that are meaningful and motivating and link a privilege to a completion of a desired task. These teach kids with ADHD who wrestle with low internal motivation that there’s something to look forward to when a dreaded chore or boring history assignment is over. We know that punishments don’t teach skills. Instead, we want to focus on what fosters initiation, motivation and follow through to build the capacity for connected independence. By shining the spotlight of our attention on teaching rather than taking away and on what’s going well instead of what’s failed, we are nurturing the seeds of self-confidence and resilience.

6. Expect pushback and negotiations (especially from tweens and teens)

Emerging adults may downright yell at you or stop sharing information. You kids may refuse certain tools (calendars, lists, reminder alerts) as part of wanting to do their own thing. Rather than take this personally (even though it is so hard not to), keep your focus on whether choices are effective and working. Stay positive and flexible and model good teamwork for your child and look to your partner, friends, extended family or therapist/coach to deal with your frustrations.

7. Acknowledge your child's effort

It can certainly be uncomfortable to let your kids, teens and emerging adults try things on their own that you truly believe won’t go that well. Ask if they would like your input or help brainstorming various solutions to challenges. Of course, in cases of health or safety, you are the parent and you have the last word. But, most of the time, coming down as the authority backfires with your creative, outside-the-box thinker. Acknowledging the value of their effort will make it easier to tolerate this process.

8. Practice mindful awareness

Your youngster will make mistakes–that’s a part of learning and, at times, you may need to wipe up any literal or metaphorical spills. Practice mindful awareness: In the midst of an intense moment, stop, stop and breathe. Ask yourself: “How important is it that I jump in here? How can I offer my support without solving this problem? What does showing up for them look like at this moment?” These reflections will help you apply my 5C’s approach to the process of growing connected independence.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline's YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSlRnTqVjcA Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline’s Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/5-cs-video/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 3/8/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 3/8/22

Taming Emotional Triggers with an ADHD Brain: How to understand big feelings and respond differently

ADHD teen holding his hand in frustration as he looks at his laptop When you live with ADHD, you live with the challenge of managing strong emotions. Whether you are a child, teen or adult, it can be tough to regulate how you process your feelings–psychologically, cognitively or behaviorally. The ADHD brain, with its 'now/not now' orientation, may not be attuned to feelings that are simmering under the surface until the pressure is too great, something brings them to awareness and the dam bursts. Flooding, a common experience for folks with ADHD, results from the combination of intense and usually overwhelming internal and external stimulation in a world that's not designed for neurodivergent brains. Learning how to identify and respond to emotional triggers more intentionally will help you feel better about yourself, improve social relationships and increase productivity.

Big emotions are part of being human

Experiencing big emotions is a part of life. The oldest emotions—fear, anger, anxiety—developed to keep us safe by cueing us that there is something threatening our survival or social standing. Emotions help us create and store memories, build social networks and develop self-confidence. They are fundamentally integrated with memory, action and learning, and the brain attaches emotion to help us prioritize what’s needed to stay safe. Strong emotions highlight what’s important and cue us to pay attention to what’s happening in real time. They can also assist people with processing a painful past event.

The amgydala and the fight, flight or freeze response

Let’s look briefly at how the trigger system work in the brain and body. Reducing reactivity means understanding the “amygdala hijack” as a gateway for improving self-regulation (Goleman, D. (1995, 2005). Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ.” New York: Bantam Books).

Inside the emotional center of our brains (the limbic system) lies the amygdala. It acts as the brain’s alarm system, setting off the ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response. When the amygdala senses danger, real or imagined, it jumps into action and tells the rest of the brain and the body to run from danger or fight it. That’s when you feel a rush of adrenaline, a faster heartbeat and shorter breaths–a knee-jerk reaction within milliseconds of sensing a disturbance. When the amygdala becomes activated, the thinking brain (your prefrontal cortex) goes temporarily offline, and feelings rule the day.

Calming down emotional responses: Neurotypical brains vs. ADHD brains

In neurotypical brains, executive functioning skills help the amygdala calm down by engaging language to name the feelings instead of just experiencing them. This also helps people step back to more clearly assess the situation and find solutions. In ADHD brains, however, the executive functioning skills–that are already working hard to accomplish and maintain daily life tasks–struggle with the extra burden of effectively dealing with a rush of strong emotions. This means that you'll often react more quickly and with volatility instead of responding with consideration.

Managing emotional triggers with ADHD

1. Learn to recognize emotional triggers with body awareness

woman holding her hand on her head, looking upset while on the phone outside One of the first steps toward improving emotional regulation and taming your triggers is to notice the physiological signs that the amygdala is gearing up. What are the physical symptoms that let you know something is askew? Increased heart rate, tense muscles, shallow breathing, perspiration or nausea are all signs that you are entering a fight, fight or freeze zone. It’s really important to distinguish if what’s setting you off is a real emergency or a perceived but not imminent danger. You may feel the pressing need to act, but that urgency is usually a sign, a red flag that you are into an amygdala takeover. It’s a signal to address any actual dangers facing you or turn down the noise in your head related to discomfort, insecurity or agitation. This is a huge task for many people, with and without ADHD. Anxiety, anger or hurt can seem like pressing dangers to our wellbeing and threaten our coping strategies. Practicing your ability to notice what’s going on in your body, in your mind and in your environment requires patience, insight and self-acceptance. These are skills which develop over time, sometimes a lifetime, for so many of us. Being compassionate with ourselves, our partners and our children is what’s called for–not the expectation of perfection. We want to foster a growth mindset, one that understands stumbling and focuses on regrouping instead of criticism or intolerance.

2. Pre-plan coping strategies for emotional triggers

When someone is triggered, they need to rely on a pre-planned strategy to help them get through those tough times. Try these tips:

1. Breathe:

Breathing sends a message to your amygdala to slow down and cools off the body's alarm system. Try alternate nostril breathing, triangle breathing (inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 6, pause empty) or belly breathing. Do any of these breathing techniques about 5 times at a pace that feels best for you.

2. Change your environment:

Sometimes you need to leave a situation to compose yourself or assess what is going on. A quick trip to the bathroom, stepping outside for a breath of fresh air, opening a window, getting a glass of water, taking a quick walk or breaking out some stretches or yoga can assist you in recalibrating. Maybe even consider giving or asking for a hug.

3. Create some go-to phrases to say to other people:

two professional men sitting having an argument at a table It’s much better to articulate that you are feeling distressed instead of blurting something out that you will later regret. As you're reading this, what words come to mind that can summarize how you feel without oversharing or dumping? Here are some suggestions:

- I’m not comfortable with the direction this is headed. Can we start over?
- I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, let me get back to you.
- Let’s pause for a moment and regroup.
- I need to use the bathroom.
- This is upsetting me. I’d like to settle for a minute before we continue.

4. Brainstorm soothing statements you can say to yourself:

When you talk back to the negative voices that perpetuate anger, anxiety or shame, you offer yourself compassion, reassurance and kindness. This both acknowledges your feelings and helps you settle down. Here are some examples: woman sitting on the ground back to back with her partner, looking upset but thinking

- It’s okay to feel unsure or uncomfortable.
- I am rooting for me.
- This feeling really hurts right now; it will pass if I can tolerate it instead of ignoring it.
- I can notice my (anger, disappointment, concern or frustration) without acting on it.
- I have been here before, and I have the skills and resources to manage this.
- Being human means making mistakes, regrouping and learning from them.
- I am calm; I am safe.
- It’s okay to ask for help.
- I can feel my physical sensations, give them attention and allow them to change.

When you understand how strong emotions work in ADHD brains, see how big feelings influence thoughts and behaviors, and learn tools to comfort yourself, you don't just tame your triggers; you learn to pivot from reacting to responding.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel: https://youtu.be/RrLFQk5X6Dk Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline’s Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/whats-up-with-all-this-anger/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 3/1/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 3/1/22

Creating an ADHD-Friendly Morning Routine with Your Family: Wake up to a smoother start and a better day

mom kissing girl with backpack Let’s face it–busy mornings can be stressful. It’s difficult to stay calm and collected with so much to do within a short period of time. For kids with ADHD, there are often additional stumbles and delays when they forget something, get distracted or need to make decisions on the go. Help your child, and yourself, by establishing an effective ADHD morning routine that will reduce stress and make it easier to get out the door. You can accomplish this with 3 key strategies: Get organized, plan ahead and motivate your child effectively. With a bit of preparation and a dash of flexibility, you can establish morning routines that reduce arguments and promote a calmer start to the day. With clear expectations, meaningful incentives and effective cueing, you can transform unpleasant mornings into better ones.

Step 1: Reflect on your current morning routine

What already works? What can be improved?

Kids laughing and eating cereal together Before you can create an ADHD morning routine that works for your family, consider what's already working well. Then, consider what could be improved. For example, if your child cheerfully comes to the breakfast table on time, then keep doing what you’re already doing. On the other hand, if your teen has a difficult time getting out of bed independently, then that’s an area for improvement.

Step 2: Collaborate on ADHD-friendly morning routine ideas in a family meeting

Identify morning tasks:

Take the stress out of your morning by collaboratively creating an organizational roadmap with your family members. In a family meeting, talk about what needs to be accomplished each morning. Ask your child to identify the tasks they need to do each morning, like getting dressed, brushing teeth and eating breakfast.

Decide which morning tasks are priorities:

Next, think about and decide which tasks are an absolute priority for your household, and what is a "nice-to-have." If brushing teeth is non-negotiable, then carve out time for it each morning. Don’t spend your limited time and energy pushing your child into doing something that’s not a priority. Instead, focus on the truly important things. Be sure to clearly communicate these morning “must haves” to your child.

Plan the steps for completing tasks:

young boy packing his backpack Brainstorm ideas for completing these tasks. Since ADHD affects your child’s ability to focus on non-desired tasks, it can be tough to focus on getting dressed, eating breakfast or putting on their shoes. Limit distractions and interruptions like TV, phone or computer use during the morning rush. Remember, there is no one right way of doing things. Your outside-the-box thinker may have some creative approaches that are worth considering. An effective ADHD routine is one which meets your family’s individual needs based on what works and what could be fine-tuned.

Step 3: Consider priorities, obstacles and opportunities for better organization

Prioritize rest and nutrition:

Of course, adequate rest and nutrition improve the start to any day. Make sure to build in extra time for winding down in the evening and waking up in the morning, as these can be challenging for kids with ADHD. It's common for many teens with ADHD to struggle to wake up in the morning. Talk to your child's primary care provider about this issue to rule out any biological complications.

Try these tips:

- Turn off electronic devices at least an hour before bedtime
- Honor bedtimes and wake-up times
- Try relaxing evening activities like reading, listening to music, yoga/stretching, coloring/drawing or family meditation to help ease into sleep
- Use two alarms in morning, ideally one across the room that requires movement out of bed to turn it off
- Provide fun, healthy breakfast options like waffles with whipped cream and berries, mystery smoothies or peanut butter sandwiches cut into goofy shapes

Prep the house with clear organization:

Jackets and hats organized in home entry way for smooth mornings Keeping track of everybody's stuff can also reduce morning chaos. Work together to create a home for specific things such as gloves and hats, lunchboxes, keys and phones. Cubbies, milk crates, baskets, hooks or clear plastic boxes can be lifesavers. Using labels to add visual cues can be helpful. When everything has a place of its own, you and your children will spend less time running around looking for that missing boot, wallet or permission slip. My dad always said, "Everything needs to have a place to put it." As usual, he's right–it's just hard sometimes to make that place happen. Taking time in the short run to figure this out (starting with the important stuff to reduce your overwhelm) will pay off in the long run.

Do more the night before:

Morning routines can be made more efficient by moving some of the to-dos to the night before. By shifting tasks to the previous evening, you can take a lot of pressure off of your busy morning. This also reduces the chances of unpleasant surprises or frustrating power struggles. Being prepared decreases the need to rush, worry or make hasty decisions. Here are some tasks which can be done in the evening in order to save time and ensure things go smoothly:

- Lay out clothes
- Prepare breakfast and/or lunch
- Pack backpack with books/supplies/homework
- Gather gear and equipment needed for after-school sports or clubs
- Set the breakfast table after dinner cleanup is done

Step 4: Decide on a plan to start with

Teen planning a morning routine with parent When you've gathered the information you need to create a plan, it's time to decide on one to start with. This plan will likely be adjusted later after trial-and-error, but decide on a first plan to start implementing. Having a basic plan that clearly shows the necessary steps for leaving the house will help mornings go smoother. Creating a plan ahead of time also takes the pressure off of exercising some executive functions in the morning that can be difficult for kids and teens with ADHD, such as planning, sequencing and prioritizing. Create a schedule that includes time estimates, the agreed upon morning tasks and any specific instructions for completing the tasks. Using backwards design will help you come up with time estimations. You'll also want to add in extra time for the unexpected in your calculations.

Step 5: Prepare for success

Create a physical checklist that's easily accessible:

A detailed checklist provides a practical way to help your child or teen stay on task and not forget anything important. When kids know what to do, and can mark their progress along the way, they are more likely to participate instead of obstruct. Write down the ADHD-friendly morning routine steps on a white board or tape it to the refrigerator. This reduces the need for guesswork or on-the-fly decision-making. Consider pinning a laminated list of what's needed each day for school inside the backpack itself.

Create meaningful incentives:

Family of four brushing their teeth together Set up effective, age-appropriate and meaningful incentives to motivate your child or teen to cooperate with your agreed-upon routines. Incentives motivate kids with ADHD to stick with the program and complete tasks they may find boring or unsatisfying. For example, if your 6-year-old hates brushing their teeth, incentivize them with reading a story or playing a card game before school. Or, brush your teeth alongside them to a fun song. Older kids may be enticed to get out of bed in the morning if the incentive is getting a donut on the way to school or earning bonus screen time before dinner. It is much more effective to motivate kids with ADHD with incentives that matter to them rather than punishments linked to a loss of privileges. In addition, your child will be more cooperative in getting through their morning checklist if you get them involved in creating it and give them a say in choosing reasonable incentives.

Step 6: Check-in, adjust and try again

tweens with backpacks getting out of car high fiving There is always the chance that, despite your best efforts, your new ADHD morning routine won’t work as well or as quickly as you’d like. Remember that it’s a process. You may need to make several adjustments tailored to your family's unique needs, preferences and goals before finding what works. If you get pushback, try to be patient. Adjust your expectations, and try to address one improvement at a time. On the morning that things don’t go according to plan, try to stay cool, manage your emotions and keep your sense of humor. And when things do go well, give your child genuine praise and encouragement. Celebrating these wins will give you and your child further motivation to commit to effective routines for a more calm and pleasant family life.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/homework/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 2/23/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 2/23/22

ADHD and Bullying (Part 2): How you can prepare kids to support victims of bullying as helpful upstanders

teen boy with skateboard helping friend get up When it comes to bullying, there are two responsible parties: the bully and the bystander. Bystanders, or “onlookers,” are people who witness bullying behavior and allow the bully to continue by either encouraging it or saying nothing. The unspoken and often unconscious support of the non-aggressive majority–the bystanders- empowers the bully. Therefore, the bystander has a great deal of power and responsibility to intervene and stop the harassment. In part 1 of the ADHD and Bullying series, we learned that neurodivergent kids are sometimes a bully's target, and other times may bully others. Here, we’ll explore how they can stop being bystanders and instead become upstanders by helping victims of bullying.

Why bystanders do nothing

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” – Martin Luther King Jr. young girl being gossiped about All too often, bystanders who witness bullying know that it’s wrong and feel guilty for not acting. Yet, they still don’t do anything to stop it. They recognize that the bully is in the position of power and are tempted to participate, feeling relieved that they themselves are not the victim. This is especially true for neurodivergent kids who may frequently find themselves on the receiving end of harassment. Additionally, it’s likely that multiple bystanders are witnesses to any given incident of harassment. People can go along with a group decision or action against their own better judgment or values. In a group, people are often less empathic and caring than they are individually. So, what’s motivating them to side with the bully instead of the victim? Most often, it’s fear. Fear of:

- Being hurt themselves if they defend the victim
- Becoming the bully’s next target
- Doing something that will only make the situation worse
- Not knowing what to do or whom to ask for help
- Having a reputation for being a “tattler”

Fortunately, we can overcome these fears. Once we understand why we’re afraid to act and the consequences of not stepping in to help, it’s easy to find the courage and compassion to do the right thing.

Why it’s important to help stop bullying

teen boy talking to girl in wheelchair Kids who get bullied may eventually become bullies themselves, perpetuating the cycle of cruelty. Therefore, taking measures to stop bullying incidents is an important step in breaking this cycle. Most bullying happens under the radar of adults, either at school, in the neighborhood, or online. Kids don’t want to report it because of the enormous stigma attached to being a “tattle”–someone who tells a responsible adult about something in order to get someone in trouble. Cyberbullying has become a serious risk linked to psychological problems in adolescents. Kids and teens who have been cyberbullied reported higher levels of depression and thoughts of suicide, as well as greater emotional distress, hostility and delinquency compared with peers who were not. Students most often report physical appearance, race/ethnicity, gender, disability, religion, and sexual orientation to be reasons for being targeted by bullies. (National Center for Educational Statistics, 2019)

Recent statistics on bullying illustrate the extent of the problem:

- One out of every five (20.2%) students report being bullied (National Center for Educational Statistics, 2019 ).
- 41% of students who reported being bullied at school indicated that they think the bullying would happen again (National Center for Educational Statistics, 2019).
- 49.8% of tweens (9 to 12 years old) said they experienced bullying at school and 14.5% of tweens shared they experienced bullying online (Patchin & Hinduja, 2020).

However, there is encouraging data, too. School-based bullying prevention programs decrease bullying by up to 25% (McCallion & Feder, 2013). Families can support schools’ anti-bullying education by having conversations about bullying at home. Making students aware that there are better alternatives to being bystanders is an important part of raising healthy, resilient kids. It also contributes to a safer and more supportive community, in which they can thrive.

How to teach kids with ADHD to become helpful upstanders for victims of bullying:

teen girl comforting her friend We can teach children and teens to recognize when they find themselves in the role of onlooker. We can help them overcome their fears and encourage them to take action. Kids with ADHD know all too well how bad it feels to be taunted and feel helpless. So, helping neurodivergent kids identify these feelings is the first step in harnessing their empathy in support of their peers. Encourage your child to recognize situations in which they are bystanders. Ask them to reflect on their feelings about what they see. Assure your child that parents, teachers and other caring adults can help and support them. Adults can recommend safe ways for them to prevent, intervene or address bullying. Most importantly, tell your child how proud you are of them when they show compassion and help targets of bullying. Help them identify the positive emotions resulting from their good deeds. Bystanders can become upstanders through prevention and intervention measures.

Prevention steps include:

- Being inclusive by welcoming others to join their activities and groups
- Being a role model for pro-social behavior by showing kindness, respect and empathy for others
- Walking or sitting with vulnerable kids who may be targets of bullying
- Getting involved with bullying prevention efforts at school or in the community

Interventions during a bullying incident may include:

- Defending the target of the bullying verbally or by physically standing near the victim
- Intervening as a group
- Changing the subject
- Questioning the bullying behavior
- Using humor to lighten up a serious situation
- Openly stating an objection to bullying
- Stating approval of the victim and validating his or her social status

Address bullying after it happens by:

- Reaching out privately to the target of the bullying to express support and concern
- Inviting the target of bullying to walk to school/class with you
- Offering to sit next to the target at lunch or on the bus
- Reporting the bullying to a trusted adult, parent, teacher or school administrator
- Reaching out privately to the person doing the bullying to express concern, if they feels safe to do so
- Enlisting the help of other kids who dislike the bully. As they say, “there’s power in numbers”

Helpful Resources:

If you'd like addition information and support on bullying prevention or intervention, here are a few recommended resources: girl holding stop bullying sign

Articles:

- Assistant Secretary for Public Affairs (ASPA). (2021, May 21). Bystanders are essential to bullying prevention and intervention. StopBullying.gov. Retrieved from https://www.stopbullying.gov/resources/research-resources/bystanders-are-essential
- LGBTQ+ bullying. LGBTQ Bullying | STOMP Out Bullying. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.stompoutbullying.org/lgbtq-bullying.
- Roberts, M. (2020, August 26). CDC releases National Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Results. HRC. Retrieved from https://www.hrc.org/news/new-cdc-data-shows-lgbtq-youth-are-more-likely-to-be-bullied-than-straight-cisgender-youth.

Organizations & Websites:

- STOMP Out Bullying: https://www.stompoutbullying.org/
- StopBullying.gov. | Health Resources and Services Administration (HRSA) https://www.stopbullying.gov/
- PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center: https://www.pacer.org/BULLYING/
- The Human Rights Campaign: https://www.hrc.org/

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:

ADHD Parenting: Teasing and Bullying, What’s the Difference

Deeper Dive in Dr. Saline’s Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 2/15/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 2/15/22

ADHD and Bullying (Part 1): How to help kids with ADHD recognize, respond to and prevent bullying

Sadly, it's all too common that neurodivergent kids to experience some level of teasing, taunting or bullying as they grow. Despite anti-bullying policies in schools and best efforts to raise awareness, kids with ADHD will likely find themselves as victims and/or aggressors at one time or another. Children and teens may not realize when they’ve crossed the line from gentle ribbing into full-on bullying. What may start out as playful interactions may quickly snowball into a serious problem. Kids with ADHD already wrestle with impulse control, emotional regulation and social relationships. Therefore, it's especially important for them to understand the differences between teasing and taunting. In addition, it's important for them to grasp the limits of appropriate and inappropriate behaviors. These children and teens will greatly benefit from learning practical tools to use in challenging peer situation based on direct instruction, empathic inquiry and collaboration.

Teasing vs. Taunting

Teasing is a light, fun thing you do with friends or family—people you care about—without malice. Taunting, however, is a form of bullying. It’s something you do to someone you don’t like, is intentionally harmful, and involves humiliation, cruelty or bigotry. In teasing, you are laughing WITH the person; in taunting, you are laughing AT the person. Let’s consider some examples:

- Teasing: Giggling at your sibling’s “impressive case of bed hair”
- Taunting: Calling a classmate “fatso” or using other derogatory names

- Teasing: Friends in advanced math class calling each other “dork” or “nerd” because they like solving tough calculation problems
- Taunting: Making mean, derogatory remarks about someone’s accent or manner of dress

Teasing is often done with humor, is reciprocal, doesn’t affect self-esteem and will stop when it is no longer fun. Taunting, on the other hand, involves ill will and continues or even escalates after the recipient is hurt or asks for the taunting to stop.

Bullying: Intent and Types

boy cornered by bullies Bullying is the intent to hurt or intimidate someone whom the bully perceives as weak, vulnerable and unable to defend themselves. It is a repetitive, purposeful, aggressive activity meant to cause harm or fear through the threat of further hostility. Bullying takes different formats: physical aggression (hurting people physically) and relational aggression (starting rumors, exclusion, spreading gossip, taunting and getting people to “gang up” on others). Social media, 3-way phone calls and emails can perpetuate relational aggression. In addition, 24/7 digital connectivity can cause someone to feel like there is no safe space for them.

ADHD and Bullying

Kids laughing and picking on boy in classroom Often, the roles of bully and victim are fluid. Kids who feel insecure or different from others are more likely to be aggressors at one time and then victims at another. Children and teens with ADHD may become easier targets for bullies due to certain behaviors they tend to exhibit. These include impulsiveness, clumsiness, social anxiety, academic struggles and awkwardness. They may also be less awareness about personal space, boundaries and social cues. For instance, kids with ADHD may have greater challenges navigating awkward conversations and reading body language, or they may struggle with identifying when they are in danger of being targeted or attacked. However, the very same impulsivity and socials challenges that make kids with ADHD more likely to be targets of taunting may also lead them to take out their frustrations on others and become more aggressive. As a result, they could become bullies themselves.

Why Do Kids Taunt Each Other?

It’s crucial to understand the underlying causes of bullying in order to respond effectively. Bullying is often about power struggles and the need for some kids to come out on top, regardless of the consequences. Although bullies are the clear aggressors, it's important to note that "bystanders" (those who stand by and allow the bullying to take place without helping) are just as responsible. Bystanders enable and empower the aggressor to do harm. Although they may not be doing the tormenting with their own words or actions, bystanders are just as complicit. Their motivations are also just as complex. (Learn more about bystanders in next week's blog post - ADHD and Bullying, Part 2!)

The most common causes of bullying are:

A desire to fit in with/be accepted by "cool" or "popular" kids - "I want to be liked"
Peer pressure - "If others are doing it, I can too"
A defense mechanism - "If I bully others, others won’t bully me"
Way to increase social status - "I feel stronger/smarter/better when I put others down"

Tools for Kids and Teens to Respond to Bullying

If your child is being bullied, you can teach and support them with these effective interventions: 1. Encourage your child to speak up for themselves in non-provocative ways to assert strength. 2. Remind your child that they are not alone, despite feeling picked on or even isolated. Point out their true friends, and encourage them to spend time together. For younger children, facilitate these meet-ups; for older ones, brainstorm possible ideas. 3. Explore ways for your child or teen to engage the assistance of their true friends in times of need. This can be valuable in tricky social situations that may be potential environments for bullying. Furthermore, discuss techniques and exact phrases to use to extricate oneself from an uncomfortable situation. Use role-play to practice them. 4. Assist your child or teen in monitoring their own behavior. Their actions might unknowingly be provoking negative responses from others. On the other hand, it may be aggressive in some way. Help them build self-awareness about statements, actions or facial expressions that might be misinterpreted as hostile. 5. Talk with teachers about facilitating connections through school collaborations on projects or seating near like-minded individuals. Engage the school's assistance in fostering positive connections, and make sure they are aware of the social dynamics your child is facing. 6. Create a safety plan that details what to say or do when bullying occurs in person or online. This plan should include: who to talk to (a friend or adult), where to go at school (the office of the nurse or counselor), what to do that is self-protective but not retaliatory, and how to minimize reacting.

More Confidence, Less Conflict

Young girl looking sad on the floor after online bullying Having a strong sense of self will not only prevent your child from becoming a bully, but will also allow them to respond effectively if others bully them. Nurture self-confidence in your child or teen by identifying interests and capabilities. Help them learn to develop skills and pride in these areas. Be sure to acknowledge their efforts as well as their accomplishments. Furthermore, stay compassionate and steady in your relationship. Your connection strengthens the internal resources necessary to weather painful, peer social dynamics. These are the key nutrients that help grow self-worth and defend against the cruelties of taunting and bullying.

Helpful Resources:

If you'd like addition information and support on bullying prevention or intervention, here are a few recommended resources: girl holding stop bullying sign

Articles:

- Assistant Secretary for Public Affairs (ASPA). (2021, May 21). Bystanders are essential to bullying prevention and intervention. StopBullying.gov. Retrieved from https://www.stopbullying.gov/resources/research-resources/bystanders-are-essential
- LGBTQ+ bullying. LGBTQ Bullying | STOMP Out Bullying. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.stompoutbullying.org/lgbtq-bullying.
- Roberts, M. (2020, August 26). CDC releases National Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Results. HRC. Retrieved from https://www.hrc.org/news/new-cdc-data-shows-lgbtq-youth-are-more-likely-to-be-bullied-than-straight-cisgender-youth.

Organizations & Websites:

- STOMP Out Bullying: https://www.stompoutbullying.org/
- StopBullying.gov. | Health Resources and Services Administration (HRSA) https://www.stopbullying.gov/
- PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center: https://www.pacer.org/BULLYING/
- The Human Rights Campaign: https://www.hrc.org/

*Read ADHD and Bullying (Part 2): How you can prepare kids to support victims of bullying as helpful upstanders

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

ADHD Parenting: Teasing and Bullying, What's the Difference

Deeper Dive in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/whats-up-with-all-this-anger/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 2/9/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 2/9/22

ADHD and Self-Sabotage: 6 supportive strategies to help you feel more confident and reach more goals

Woman by window calm and focused Self-sabotage is the negative self-talk that prevents us from believing we can do things. It can be conscious or unconscious and can keep us from setting, working towards and reaching our goals. It holds us back from doing what we want to do. Low self-esteem and unfounded beliefs about being deficient, not good enough, incapable or unintelligent contribute to self-sabotage. These deep-seated, limiting core beliefs fuel fears about performance and result in procrastination or avoidance. If left unchecked, this can lead to general anxiety, social anxiety and depression. That’s why it’s so important to counter negativity with encouragement, support and self-love.

Self-Sabotage and ADHD

boy hanging head down Feelings of shame and self-doubt often surface early on for those with ADHD. The shame about not being able to succeed at school or handle tasks as well as others starts early in life and continues into adulthood. Children with ADHD feel “different” from their peers, which may fill them with increasing feelings of nervousness, doubt and uneasiness. Over time, personal vigilance grows into anxiety about messing up and not measuring up. Embarrassment and shame lead to a desire to avoid that insecurity and pain at all costs. Attempts to avoid pain or embarrassment often manifest as self-sabotaging behaviors.

Signs of Self-Sabotage

There are a number of behaviors and modes of thought which are indicative of self-sabotage. Take a little time to self-reflect and determine whether you are negatively affected by the self-sabotaging indicators below:

Avoidance: Staying away from people or situations that cause discomfort
Procrastination: Putting off getting things done because of a fear of failure
Fixed mindset: Believing that you can’t change and your abilities will not improve; blaming and shaming yourself for mistakes you may have made
Exercising control over others: Attempting to control others’ behaviors or situations that seem uncertain and provoke your anxiety
Pleasing others at your own expense: Making choices to be accepted or liked by people, even if they go against your values or better judgments; depending on others for validation and approval
Engaging in risky behaviors: Harming yourself through substance abuse, gambling, sexual promiscuity, cutting, eating disorders, etc.
Using “Compare and Despair” to your own detriment: Looking at what others do, and comparing yourself negatively to them
Perfectionism: Trying to control outcomes as a way to manage anxiety; "letting perfect be the enemy of good enough"; needlessly getting caught up in the weeds or building obstacles where they don't need to be; looking for the one perfect solution instead of taking steps forward, even if not under ideal conditions

Tools to Address Self-Sabotage

Even though it may seem like self-sabotage is a lot to deal with, it is possible to manage and even overcome self-sabotaging tendencies. Some approaches, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), are longer term treatments. But there are several tools and mindful awareness exercises you can practice any time to help manage self-sabotaging thinking day-to-day.

1. Establish healthier alternatives to limiting beliefs, negative self-talk and safety-seeking behaviors

Practice mindfulness by focusing on being present and aware of your thoughts instead of letting preoccupation and worries what other people think about you distract you. Pay attention to what’s happening around you in the present moment instead of noise in your head. A paper with the words "positive" and "negative" on it, with a red pen circling "positive."

Sometimes we find ourselves being pulled into a cycle of negativity, worry, predicted failure or harsh self-judgment. In these cases, reverse course by slowing down and identifying any negative beliefs. Recall positive outcomes that have occurred before, and remind yourself that they are possible again. Encourage yourself to power through.

“If I get stuck, I sometimes do better if I can commit to starting and working on a task for 15 minutes. It is good to negotiate with yourself, and build in rewards for following through."

2. Identify phrases of self-sabotage, and create rebuttals

When your “negative brain” tells you, “You’re not good enough, why bother?” train your “positive brain” to answer, “Don’t underestimate yourself–give it a try and see what happens!” Create your own list of encouraging phrases to use when you want to cut the negative self-talk short. Remember, you are not your thoughts, but you are the one who is aware of them. You can choose not to believe them or push them back with the power of positive thinking. This takes work and a lot of practice, so expect yourself to stumble and have setbacks. Forget about “compare and despair,” and looking sideways at what others are doing. Instead, look at where you’ve come from and where you want to go. “When my brain is working against me, I find ways to increase dopamine or just rest if that is really what I need and eliminate the perceived judgment of other people.”

3. Set small behavioral goals that are low risk experiments to build confidence

My goals graphic These are learning experiences that test/defy those negative self-beliefs. Take a measured risk based on previous successes. For example, if you are anxious about attending a social gathering, set a small goal for yourself, such as “I’m going to smile at new people.” Once you’re comfortable with smiling, take it up a notch with a goal such as “I’m going to talk to 1-2 people standing alone” or “I will focus on the conversation in the moment and make a reflective or topic-related comment.” Afterwards, assess how the situation went and how you felt. Did you have conversations that may have been awkward but weren’t damaged by them? Write a journal entry or voice memo about your experience and what you learned from it.

4. Adjust expectations to include the natural stumbles of being human; separate your ADHD brain from your character

Because of your ADHD, your thoughts may have a tendency to run away from you, making them harder to get back and control. Train your attention to move away from negativity and internal noise. We can’t turn off these thoughts entirely, but we can lower the volume on them and see them as background noise. You’re only human, so you will make mistakes and feel awkward time-to-time. Your ADHD brain may make things tougher to manage, but you are still a good, worthy and capable person who has a lot to offer. “ADHD doesn’t make me less of a person or less valid. It makes me a different sort of person who is still valid and valuable.”

5. Use a growth mindset approach

group high five Shift away from trying to prove your worth to others using false comparisons or judging yourself as less than. Transition from seeing yourself in a negative light to practicing compassion and kindness toward yourself. We are all works in progress, learning and developing at our own speeds. Believe in the power of "YET." Tell yourself, “I may not be able to do this YET, but I am learning.” Practice kindness and patience towards yourself.

6. Healing meditation

Picture yourself at a beautiful spot outside. Visualize the face of someone you really love. What encouraging words would this person say to you? How would these words comfort and encourage you? Write these down, and meditate on these images and words whenever you need to heal or empower yourself. Living with ADHD means experiencing moments when you’re aware that you are struggling or have messed up, but you don’t necessarily know why or how to fix it. This can develop into persistent worry and self-sabotage, and this anxiety can overpower us. Focus on building up your reserve of positive experiences, and, in turn, you’ll begin to minimize those pesky negative thoughts. A combination of CBT and mindful awareness practices can help. And, if we go back to basics, self-care is a powerful antidote to self-sabotage. So remember, be kind and loving toward yourself today and every day.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel: Stop the Self-Sabotage: How to Support Yourself with Love https://youtu.be/nphiSl0ka30 Deeper Dive – Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/anxiety/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 2/2/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 2/2/22

When Kids with ADHD Have Oppositional Reactions: Moving past 'No' with the PAUSE program

Bad boy on blue blanket background. Angry child with the word "NO" around him. With all of the frustration, disappointment and restriction children and teens with ADHD are feeling these days, it’s even harder for them to self-regulate at school or at home. They may lose their temper more quickly, say inappropriate things, and refuse requests to finish chores or stop gaming. How can you respond to these oppositional reactions with strategies beyond yelling, taking things away, or banishing them from your sight? What are some choices that promote stability in the home and connection in the parent-child relationship? My PAUSE program–Plan to Accept, Understand, Set Limits and Encourage–can help you and your child better connect, communicate and find solutions.

'No' – A familiar story

Recently, I was in my office with Kieran–an eighth grade boy who was complaining about being bored after school to his mom, Tara, and me. “There’s nothing to do except gaming, and you only let me do that for an hour. What else am I supposed to do?” His mom gently suggested going back to some activities that had previously interested him—guitar lessons, indoor soccer, swim team, improvisational theater classes. “No, no, no.” His mom turned to me and said: “I used to do this to my mom. She called it ‘Shoot ‘em up, and knock ‘em down.’ There’s never a right answer.” I instantly wondered if ‘No’ meant ‘Forget about it’ or ‘I’m not sure and need to think about it.’ Indoor soccer and theater were hard ‘No's.’ Guitar and swimming were more of an ‘I’ll think about it.” I asked Kieran why he doesn’t just say that, and he shrugged, “I don’t know...I just can’t think about all that stuff at once." Saying ‘No’ flat out like that gives him space to think about something without any pressure.

ADHD and oppositional reactions

With working memory and/or processing speed challenges, kids with ADHD often feel overwhelmed—emotionally, cognitively and/or socially. Biologically, they lack adequate amounts of dopamine and norepinephrine in their brains. This deficiency makes it difficult for people with ADHD to process and recall information efficiently and keep up with all of the activity around them. In addition, people with ADHD frequently struggle to articulate these mostly unconscious cognitive processes. What most kids tell me is that they simply feel flooded and agitated. They try to muddle through and manage these feelings at school or with friends. However, by the time they arrive home, they don’t feel obligated to hold it together any more. As Sal once told me, “I’m not going to be suspended from my family.” He feels safe enough with his caring parents to shut down and push boundaries. There's also more flexibility in creating whatever space he needs to process information at a pace that works for his uniquely wired brain.

What 'NO' means to your child or teen

A ‘No’ might be a response to what your child or teen may grasp as a demand rather than a request. Before you investigate what ‘NO’ really means, reflect on how you ask your child to do something or engage them in a task. Invitations, doing something alongside them (being a body double) and noticing their efforts contribute to better cooperation. Find a calm moment and ask them about ‘NO.’ Take out your curiosity, and gather some information. Is saying ‘NO’ about setting limits, being contrary, slowing things down or something else? Maybe it’s a combination of things. Brainstorm alternatives to ‘No’ that include coming up with a few words or phrases to use when they need time to think about something.

Preparing ahead for oppositional behaviors

Mother and daughter sitting on the couch getting into an argument with their hands up in frustration. Nobody likes meltdowns, explosions or arguments. Kids with ADHD have told me repeatedly that they feel bad about themselves after these outbursts, and many parents also regret what they’ve said or done. But, in moments of high emotion, people naturally stop listening and quickly move to reactivity. Instead of being surprised every time your youngster pushes back or refuses something, understand that these behaviors are a natural part of growing up and exploring independence. Expect that these incidents will occur, and rely on a strategy for when they do. It’s the resistance and the combativeness that wears families down and really exhausts parents. My PAUSE program--Plan to Accept Understand Set Limits and Encourage--assists you in creating that strategy.

Responding to oppositional reactions with the PAUSE program:

'Plan to Accept, Understand, Set Limits and Encourage'

1. **Plan (*Plan ahead with options):***

Focus on making a plan to cope with the pattern of anger for yourself and your child rather than deal with its changing content. Otherwise, you’ll be playing Whack A Mole. In a quiet moment, make a list of what you can easily do to stay grounded. If you are dysregulated, you won’t be able to respond effectively or help your youngster calm down. Whether it’s going to the bathroom to collect yourself for a few minutes or getting a glass of water or opening a window, break up the action in a non-threatening way. This re-centering needs to be your initial reflexive step to slow down the fast-paced action. Once you’ve clarified this for yourself, sit with your child or teen and ask them what helps them regroup. Follow up by asking how much time they need for this. Write down their options, and post the list in their room or in the kitchen.

2. Accept (Nurture and acknowledge):

A young girl wearing overalls standing with her arms crossed, looking serious, in front of a sky blue wall. Stop trying to convince your child or teen of anything. Rather, accept where you both are in a given moment. Remember, their listening stopped when they became activated, and they want to be seen and heard by you. Acknowledge what they are saying with reflective listening: “I heard you say this, is that right?” When they feel that you are paying attention–instead of correcting them for cursing at you or justifying why you called the school about their F in English–they will start to settle. It may be tense and uncomfortable, but you can do this. You’ve probably handled a lot of other unpleasant situations before!

3. Understand (Practice compassion):

As tough as it can be, empathy is what’s called for when kids, especially neurodivergent kids, are distressed. Kids and teens with ADHD often feel overwhelmed. Their thinking brains and weaker executive functioning skills simply cannot manage their heightened emotions. They are acting out because they lack the resources to do anything different in those moments. Father and son cuddling on the bed, while the son looks angry Neurodivergent kids need caring adults to dig deep and find some compassion, rather than exploding about how they should get their act together. When a child is resistant, oppositional and intransigent, many parents feel desperate to regain authority and establish stability. Parents often do this by taking things away from their kids. But while punishments may offer short-term relief, they don’t bring long-term success. Avoid saying things like, “I’m taking away your phone for 3 days. You can’t talk to me that way.” Turn it around and say, “You have not earned the privilege of using your phone with that language. When you can go for 3 days without cursing, you’ll get it back. That’s the agreement we have.” Relying on appropriate incentives is what shifts negativity to cooperation.

**4. Set limits (*Clear rules with family meetings to foster collaboration)***:

The goal is to help kids with ADHD develop their executive functioning skills for self-regulation, engaging in interpersonal connections, and achieving goals. It’s a natural part of living to become angry, to want to get your own way, and to avoid disappointment. However, it’s not okay to be aggressive about these. Punishment doesn’t teach any lasting skills, and it rules by fear. We want our kids to be motivated to make other choices. Logical consequences, on the other hand, allow you to set limits and use meaningful incentives as motivators. You place 'have-to’s' before 'want-to’s.' The trick is staying steady in the face of your child or teen’s displeasure, and following through. In a family meeting or a quiet moment, make collaborative agreements about actions and words that are unwelcome.

5. Encourage (Focus on the present and moving forward):

Dad with his arm around his son, walking in the park. Once the storm has passed, focus on the present moment. What needs to happen NOW to move beyond its wreckage? This is not a time to teach any lessons. The situation is still too raw for your child or teen, and such a conversation may trigger the outburst all over again. You may want to talk about your upset and let them know how they have messed up. But, will this serve them to learn the skills they need and strengthen your relationship? They need encouragement rather than blame at this moment. Talk about the next move to get on with things instead. Later that day, or some time tomorrow, casually wonder about the take-aways from what happened. Was there anything each of you regretted? How would you like to deal with that type of behavior in the future? These questions open up conversation, explore options and validate positive engagement. Be patient with yourself and your family as you incorporate this model into your daily lives. Everybody has a shorter fuse right now so it may take longer to get this going. That’s okay. It’s one step at a time!

Read more blog posts:

Watch on YouTube:

ADHD and Oppositional Defiance (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
Anger Management with ADHD (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 1/26/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 1/26/22

ADHD Hyperfocus: How to manage this double-edged sword for your health and productivity

Woman at the computer, hyperfocusing on the computer at a desk in a large, shared office building. Are you ever so engrossed in an activity that time seems to stop and nothing can tear you away? Does it ever seem like you lose sense of where you are and what’s happening around you? This can be the experience of hyperfocus for many people with ADHD. Hyperfocus is defined as “a phenomenon that reflects one’s complete absorption in a task, to a point where a person appears to completely ignore or ‘tune out’ everything else.” Hyperfocus frequently occurs during a fun or interesting activity, and it often crops up without conscious intent. Your concentration is captivated by something, and, although your attention can be channeled into have-to tasks, it can be drawn towards unproductive, procrastinating activities, too. That’s part of what makes it both exhilarating and frustrating.

Hyperfocus: A double-edged sword

Many people with ADHD see hyperfocus as a superpower: it’s a state of mind that fosters unusual productivity through total absorption in a task. But some folks also see it as a weakness: it accounts for vast periods of time spent on distractions to dodge unpleasant responsibilities. Hyperfocus, it seems, is a double-edged sword: a great capacity for effective performance on interesting, high-value tasks on the one side, and a great capacity for avoiding things by disappearing into pleasurable distractions on the other. By nurturing executive functioning skills such as prioritization, time management and self-awareness, you can harness the power of your hyperfocus more efficiently.

Self-Awareness During Hyperfocus

Being aware of where you are directing your attention, and for how long, is an important step in addressing hyperfocus. Focus is a dynamic process of choosing what is critical to notice, attempt or recall. Where you direct your focus is akin to pointing the spotlight of your attention on something. Hyperfocus is an amplified type of focus, where you can be totally captivated on something until you are interrupted or just lose interest. Many folks with ADHD may not notice when the hyperfocus episode begins but become aware when they return from it. Perhaps this happens to you: you’re not sure where the time went, and you don’t really have a plan for re-entry or catching up. You can cope with these moments of disorientation by learning to be as intentional about what you’re not going to concentrate on as what you are going to do.

Recognizing States of Focus and Distraction

To improve any type of focus, begin to notice where it is and where it isn’t. This is more difficult than it sounds, and, when somebody is stressed, anxious or depressed, it’s even tougher. Marla, a twenty year old sophomore in college who struggled with panic attacks, complained to me about her required writing course and her distractability: “It’s boring, I hate writing, and the teacher has a monotonous voice that puts me to sleep. I pay attention to any little thing except what’s going on and then, when he calls on me, I am totally lost and embarrassed.” I asked her to make a list of things that distracted her in that class and to bring it to my office for the next session. She reported that, just by noticing where her attention went, she was able to bring herself back to the class discussion more often, and even made a few relevant comments. Paying attention to where your attention goes is similarly effective in handling hyperfocus episodes.

The Unhealthy Costs of Hyperfocus

The experience of hyperfocus differs widely from person to person, because it vacillates from being a helpful tool for productivity and an effective way to escape. Self-care activities such as eating, drinking and using the bathroom may be postponed for hours, resulting in low blood sugar, irritability and fatigue. Focused adult male woodworker in apron and knitted gat cutting wooden plank while working in carpentry workshop

Kieran, age 25, says: “Hyperfocus is confusing. It’s the only time when I get to be more productive at work than anybody else. I can do more in three hours than my neurotypical colleagues get done in twice that time. But, at home, sometimes I zone out while gaming and forget to check my phone for texts or even go to sleep. Then, I’m exhausted the next day.”

Ellie, age 40, explains the value and challenges of hyperfocus: “Hyperfocus is the only time that I feel truly alive. My brain is fully engaged, 100%, time stops, and I’m flying along. But my partner or my co-workers have to poke me in the arm to remind me about lunch or a big meeting. At the end of a good day, with a lot accomplished, I can feel quite energized.”

Change Takes Practice

Although you may finish tasks, some aspects of hyperfocus do not foster healthy productivity. This can be challenging for kids, teens and adults who experience hyperfocus. However, tools for coping with hyperfocus and managing it more mindfully can improve with practice and experience. Michayla, age 33, has learned how to manage hyperfocus better as she has gotten older: “Hyperfocus is when I can do a single task without getting distracted and think only about it. But I also lose touch with my body and don’t notice that I’m hungry, thirsty or need to use the bathroom. As a child, I had so many bladder infections because I never stopped to go to the bathroom. On my home videos, I always have this little pink liquid and a straw with me. It's an antibiotic. That’s how many bladder infections I had. Now, I stop to go to the bathroom, have a drink or eat something so I don’t get dizzy.”

Flow vs. Hyperfocus: Related, but not the same

Man with tired eyes due to too much work on the computer screen Everybody experiences flow states at one time or another that are triggered by internal motivation and external situations. These flow states–often called ‘being in the zone,’ refer to heightened intuition and performance, where decisions happen automatically and creative breakthroughs occur. They are positive, desirable and can be cultivated and planned for. Hyperfocus, on the other hand, is typically experienced by people with ADHD and stems from challenges with handling the direction of focus and the depth of attention. Hyperfocus is more unpredictable, it appears intermittently, and it's usefulness varies. When hyperfocus is helpful, it’s usually because somebody has entered into a temporary flow state. If you can identify the difference between your personal states of flow and hyperfocus, you're more likely to optimize your productivity.

4 Tips to Help Adults Better Manage Their Hyperfocus:

1. Identify and investigate:

Learn more about your pattern of hyperfocus by increasing self-awareness.

- What does hyperfocus look like for you?
- How long does it occur?
- Do you neglect self-care?
- How do you respond to interruptions?

Notice when you tend to engage in hyperfocus by examining the situation, the environment and your motivation. Are you focusing on an interesting task or avoiding something unappealing? This type of reflection will increase your capacity for metacognition, helping you monitor when hyperfocus takes over. Thoughtful self-evaluation will also help you take action to exit from an episode.

2. Plan and prioritize:

Close-up Of A Businessperson's Hand Writing Schedule In Diary With Pen On Wooden Desk Do a brain dump of all of the tasks in front of you for the day or the week. Then, make another, shorter list where you order the tasks in terms of urgency (do it now because of a deadline) or importance (value and satisfaction with less pressure). Then, break down your day into blocks of time, and assign the urgent tasks first, followed by the important ones. Limit the quantity of the tasks into each block of time so you can reach your goals and feel accomplishment. You can limit the number of tasks by flagging the ones that can be rolled over into tomorrow.

3. Improve time management practices:

Use tools to increase your awareness of time and how it passes. Set up several alerts, using a variety of tools–your phone, your computer, banners across the screen, analog clocks or timers. Work in intervals with planned, structured breaks to keep yourself on track and limit the negative aspects of hyperfocus.

4. Find an accountability buddy:

You don’t have to address the challenging, over-absorbing aspects of hyperfocus alone! Instead, ask someone in your life to check in with you at times when you are prone to hyperfocus. It could be a family member, friend, colleague, or someone you met at an ADHD support group. This can help you break up these hyperfocus periods. If this person also has ADHD, you can support each other with this practice. Helping somebody else with their hyperfocus can assist you with your own focus regulation as well. Adult man at a computer showing a thumbs up and smiling at the camera

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:

The Pros and Cons of Hyperfocus (ADHD Support Group / Q&A)
ADHD and Metacognition – Executive Functioning Support (ADHD Support Group / Q&A)

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 1/19/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 1/19/22

Parenting Neurodivergent Kids with a Growth Mindset: How you can take 'failure' out of your vocabulary

Father holding up his tween daughter while they both smile and flex their muscles in front of a pink background. With the start of a new year comes an opportunity to pivot. This year, I’m recommending that you eliminate the word ‘failure’ from any description of your parenting and replace it with 'efforting.' Failure is generally defined as a lack of success, and there’s a finality associated with it that doesn’t really apply to the long-haul process of parenting. Parenting is a journey marked by highs and lows, joy and frustration, closeness and disconnection. Parenting a child or teen with ADHD, learning differences, anxiety, depression, addiction or other issues means redefining success from what’s put forth in social media, television or films to what makes sense for your family and your particular situation.

**What Does 'Successful' Parenting Look Like?**

For many neurodiverse families, parenting 'successfully' may mean nurturing a child who accepts their neurodivergent brain, identifies personal strengths and talents, has decent-to-positive self-esteem, and learns strategies for managing the tasks of daily living. It may not center on grades, athletics or other conventional accomplishments. This is a tall order that takes time, repetition, practice and patience. It has nothing to do with the failure mentality of fixed mindsets. Efforting reflects a growth mindset: You try something, see what happens, make adjustments, and try again. Efforting reflects the adage “Practice makes perfect,” rather than assuming that anything less than perfection indicates defeat.

The Myth of the Perfect Parent

Adult and kid in matching blue shirts looking stressed with their elbows on the table and hands in their hair with their heads down. Being perfect as a parent is a myth that is unachievable and toxic to self-worth. Perfectionists tend to over-focus on the end result and not the process of getting there. They discount the learning that’s happening and fixate on the accomplishment. But without meeting the end goal, there’s a perception of failure. Instead of worrying about why you can’t make things the way you think they should be, focus on the steadiness of your efforting. This helps you accept your humanity, because the reality is that you will stumble as a parent. It’s how you recover from these fumbles that is worth your time and focus.

Coping with Parenting Guilt and Shame

Sadly, guilt and shame are often the first responses of parents of neurodivergent kids. Mother trying to decompress. Sitting on the couch with eye closed and hand on their head in a quiet moment. Guilt refers to something that you did. It can lead people to amend their errors, be accountable and make a change. You may feel guilty and say to yourself, “I wish I hadn’t done that” or, “That was a poor choice. Ugh.” You can be accountable for your mistakes, apologize, make amends if appropriate, and move on. Shame, on the other hand, refers to who you are. It pushes people to hide or deny their mistakes and engage in self-loathing. Shame leads people to say negative statements such as, “I’m a bad mother, because I did that” or, “I’m not good enough.” Shame spirals are toxic reactions based on feelings of deficiency that ultimately don’t serve you or your kids. Address these insecurities by practicing self-compassion. Accept that you, like everybody else, will mess up periodically! Stop blaming yourself for things that you can’t control, honor what is, and focus on what you can actually influence.

Letting Kids Learn

Of course, as parents, we don’t want to see our kids struggle. Their pain is so often our pain. It’s lousy to witness your child or teen wrestle with academic, social or emotional issues. You may do your best to ensure that their learning, emotional and physical needs are being met. Yet, they will still experience disappointment, frustration, sadness and jealousy along the winding path of childhood and adolescence to adulthood. That's normal! Our job as parents is to be present, so we can meet our kids where they are–without always fixing things. This, however, is tough for many of us. Mother with her arm around her teenage son at the park, having a solemn moment. Make a different choice as part of your efforting: Offer your support, your availability for a conversation, or your willingness to do something of their choice. Loving them, letting them figure certain things out, and asking for your opinion is more effective for building self-esteem and self-confidence than telling them what to do.

Avoid Parenting Comparisons

President Teddy Roosevelt famously said: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” In redefining success for yourself as a parent of a neurodivergent child or teen, you’ll surely benefit from avoiding comparisons on social media based on seeing what other people’s crafted lives look like. When you cut back on the habit of 'compare and despair,' you’ll reduce judgment, feel better about yourself, and replace self-criticism with positive self-talk.

10 Positive Self-Talk Phrases to Combat Failure Mindsets

Here’s a list of ten phrases for you to use as you take ‘failure’ out of your mindset and your vocabulary: 1. I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have available to me right now. 2. I am open to being positive and ready for whatever happens. 3. I have the tools I need, and, if I don’t, I have the ability to find them. 4. It is okay if I make mistakes. Parenting my kids didn’t come with an instruction manual. 5. I will not compare my insides to someone else’s outsides: their struggles may be hidden. 6. I can make a different choice at any moment. 7. I can be my best self in the world and stumble sometimes. 8. Two steps forward and one step back is still forward motion. 9. I don’t have all of the answers, and I am not supposed to. I am learning every day. 10. Oops, there I go again. Let’s pause, regroup and pivot!

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

Seminars, Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/shame/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 1/10/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 1/10/22

Recognizing Inattentive ADHD: The 5 Most Overlooked Signs and Helpful Tips for Living with Them

distracted school girl looking at pencil Inattentive ADHD is one of three types of ADHD (hyperactive-impulsive and combination are the other two types). It is often characterized by difficulties in keeping focused, staying organized and following directions or conversations. These experiences may lead to a sustained pattern of losing things, careless mistakes, and mental fatigue. Unfortunately, these issues are often misunderstood as defiance, lack of comprehension, lower intelligence or laziness. But instead, inattentive ADHD interferes with daily functioning and contributes to increased levels of frustration and lower self-esteem. Therefore, it's important to be able to recognize signs of inattentive ADHD in a person of any age–kids and teens, for integrated support at an early age, but also adults who remain undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. So let's dive into understanding the inattentive ADHD diagnosis and experience, with a focus on five easy-to-miss signs and recommended tips to help you live easier with them.

Inattentive ADHD: Understanding the diagnosis

According to the DSM-5, a diagnosis of inattentive ADHD requires 6 or more symptoms of inattention in children up to age 16, and 5 or more symptoms for ages 17 or older. Symptoms such as difficulty listening, staying focused, or remembering things among others must present for 6 months or longer and differ from expected behaviors for peers of the same age. Common symptoms also include dreaminess, forgetfulness and difficulty paying attention to details. These issues must be chronic or long-lasting and not due to a situational influence or “one-off” experiences. Stress, sleep issues, anxiety and depression or other physical illness can all negatively affect attention and need to be ruled out with a professional evaluation before receiving an inattentive ADHD diagnosis.

Inattentive ADHD vs. non-ADHD inattention

seated girl with teacher smiling together Many people experience varying amounts of inattention in the course of their lives, but for folks with ADHD, inattention is more severe, lasts longer and negatively impacts their ability to perform well at work or school. It also interferes with how well they function socially, due to missing facial cues or parts of conversations. Because symptoms may change over time, and because there’s a wide range between mild/occasional inattention and a diagnosable issue, some signs of inattentive ADHD are easy to miss. The following are the 5 most overlooked signs of inattentive ADHD, as well as some strategies for managing them.

1. Difficulty completing tasks

Finishing projects, chores or homework often reflects a lack of focus or interest but has nothing at all to do with intelligence, laziness or disobedience. Instead, sticking with a task until it's completed reflects a true difficulty with attending to the work at hand, quickly reaching brain fatigue. and struggling with goal-oriented persistence. Low motivation for uninteresting tasks creates further obstacles and adds another layer of complication for getting things done.

TIPS:

These strategies help both children and adults who struggle with sustained focus and perseverance:

Try chunking tasks by breaking them down into small pieces. If it's still difficult to begin or pursue, then the task needs to be even smaller.
Establish specific timed work periods with built-in timed breaks based on how long your child (or you) can concentrate before becoming distracted.
Identify a preferred order of doing tasks. Is it starting with something easy to get going, then doing the hard thing and finishing with medium one? What tasks or subjects are easy, medium or hard?

2. Forgetfulness

Working memory challenges often result in missed appointments or meetings, turning in work or forgetting to do a chore or run an errands. They also make follow-through more difficult resulting in issues with showing up for school, personal or professional responsibilities. Ashamed and embarrassed, people who wrestle with forgetfulness may be labeled as 'stupid,' 'uncaring' or 'irresponsible' when they struggle with biologically-based problems with recall.

TIPS:

woman at desk with phone, notebook and computer Instead of judging your memory challenges, accept them and engage supports:

Use technology tools like alarms, notifications, texting, as well as post-its and to-do lists as reminders.
Consider putting a laminated note in a backpack to remind your child or teen of what needs to be there.
Use cues such as family calendars or daily responsibility lists/charts to guide kids and trigger their memory for what to do next. This also helps with improving organization and planning.

3. Spaciness/distractedness

With an inattentive ADHD brain, you are easily pulled to think about something other than the task at hand. This is a common occurrence. Perhaps you get distracted by a “new shiny object,” the snow drifting outside of your window, or squeaking noise of the heater in your office. Your child may drift off into thoughts about lunch or playing a video game during their math exam. This tendency for distractedness makes it tougher to stay on point and complete the activities of daily living, homework or job responsibilities. Plus, many people with inattentive ADHD may process information more slowly than they actually comprehend it, making them feel perpetually behind and overwhelmed. It takes longer to sort through and digest information.

TIPS:

Slow things down and allow extra time for completing tasks:

Improve accountability by using lists and reminders. Set alerts or banners to flash across your phone, iPad or computer to help you stay on task (or find an app to do this for you).
Practice mindfulness with family (or individual) meditation or yoga to increase awareness about where attention is and where it is not.
Create a coping strategy for the return from a mental drift to avoid panic and shame.

4. Trouble listening and/or following directions

two men sitting at a table, talking and pointing at a tablet Following instructions or tracking conversations can be tough for many kids and adults with inattentive ADHD. Whether there's an auditory processing issue, a working memory challenge or information overload, when someone is talking (visual, sensory and sound), it may seem like someone isn't listening, doesn't respond appropriately or can't stay present. They may drift off and then ask “what?” or say ”yes'' when no one asked a question. Paying attention in a class or meeting and being expected to take notes simultaneously may seem impossible with words and sentences omitted and replaced by doodles. These are not willful, oppositional behaviors, but rather signs that someone cannot effectively process or retain information.

TIPS:

Use “The Rule of 3” when giving instructions to make sure you’ve been heard and understood. Repetition helps information move down the memory line and become imbedded.
Set up mandated academic and ADA work supports, such as a note-taker, pre-recorded lectures or written copies of presentations and lessons. This makes listening about hearing what is said instead of adding another task such as writing to it.
In a social situation, ask a buddy who understands ADHD and the tendency to drift to help with focus and fill in the gaps about something you missed.

5. Disorganization

If you lose your keys or misplace a report or homework assignment, you are not alone. Difficulty keeping track of stuff is a frequent indicator of inattentive ADHD. When someone struggles with disorganization, they often feel overwhelmed, embarrassed and confused. Figuring out where to begin the process of categorizing, cleaning and tidying up can seem insurmountable, akin to climbing Mt. Everest.

TIPS:

Follow my father's golden rule: Everything has a place. This used to drive me crazy as a kid but now I see the wisdom of his ways. Make a place for things and create organizational systems that you or your child can actually follow. Keep these simple, straightforward and logical to the ADHD brain. It may not make sense to anyone else, and that's fine!
Create regular routines with specific steps for cleaning a bedroom or tidying up the living room, write them down and post them on the refrigerator. Don't rely on recall/memory to kick in and direct the show.
Use incentives to provide motivation if necessary. Consider setting aside a particular time of day or day of the week just for organization, such as an evening clean sweep after dinner or a Saturday morning bedroom clean-up.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

How Do I Support My Daughter with ADHD? | ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline
Help Your Kid Overcome School Anxiety | Operation Parent Webinar with Dr. Saline
How to Deal with & Educate ADHD Doubters | ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 1/5/22 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 1/5/22

New Year, New Habits, Same ADHD: How to plan for and maintain new habits together, as a family

Happy New Year! As we welcome 2022, it’s natural for most people to consider what worked last year and what you’d like to do differently in the months to come. You might be considering how can you reduce work or family stress and improve the ease in daily living. However, many of us have realized that New Year’s Resolutions often fail–because people aim for too much change, set unrealistic expectations about happiness, and/or struggle with how to follow through on their goals. For folks living with ADHD, it’s especially tough to break down goals into achievable chunks and identify necessary steps for meeting them. Fortunately, working together as a family can make a big impact for everyone. Here's how you can help your family work together to identify, create and maintain meaningful new habits in the year–with collaboration, accountability and encouragement.

New Year, New Habits – But Why?

Small chalkboard that says "don't make resolutions, create habits," next to an apple and dumbbell weight. A New Year’s Resolution isn’t about altering a person’s character; it’s about taking action in a measured way to promote more ease and satisfaction in daily living. Take the time to emphasize this with your family, and focus on changing behaviors rather than criticizing personal flaws. You are working together and modeling that everyone has aspects of their life that can benefit from some tinkering.

ADHD and New Year's Resolutions

When you add in typical ADHD challenges with time management, organization and planning, well-intentioned hopes for 2022 may dissolve quickly and fade away. New Year's Resolutions can become another way that people with ADHD feel they 'don’t measure up.' This year, do something different: Pick just ONE habit to focus on, and practice self-compassion as you work on it. Allow yourself and your children to stumble and regroup along the way. This is where the strengths that come with being there for each other as a family can really shine through.

Choosing Your Goal: One New Habit

1. Choose a practical time frame

You don’t have to set your goal for the entire year: that may be too long. What about a goal for three months, with a specific date to assess progress? Or would weekly goals foster a better sense of progress?

2. Tap into a 'growth mindset'

Then, look at your mentality. The process of change relies on having a growth mindset. A growth mindset establishes that being human means living and learning: you will make mistakes, and, instead of berating yourself or your kids for their fumbles, you pause, regroup and tweak what you are doing. It’s this capacity to pivot that encourages us to keep going and keep growing. Habits take time and practice, especially if we are trying to undo something that’s familiar–even if it’s not working.

3. Choose ONE habit to focus on

Now, look around your life--your house, your job, your relationships, your routines--and select the ONE thing that really triggers you. Ultimately, family goals work best when they are collaborative. Try to choose a goal that matters to your kids or your partner, and make sure it includes something that matters to you for the best result. Choose something about your life that you’d like to see run more smoothly (e.g. family meals or bedtime rituals), result in less conflict (e.g. homework or chores) or help you be your better self (e.g. positive attitude, punctuality or patience). Write this habit down.

4. Collaborate with your family

Next, in a calm moment (maybe after dinner or on a Sunday morning), ask your kids and/or your partner to do the same. Write all of these down, add your own to the list, and then explore any overlap. Perhaps you share a family goal of smoother starts to the day, you want to have more patience, and your teen son wants less nagging. See how various goals could fit together.

5. Fine tune your goals: Be specific

As you examine your joint list, rule out items that seem like fantasy or appear too vague. Make things as specific as possible. For example, being more organized is a great goal, but it isn’t precise enough to lead you or your child to do anything differently. Whereas being more organized with your homework, about your bills, or with your clothes are all more exact and will likely result in more success.

Creating a Game Plan

Having a goal for less yelling is great, but that alone is not linked to action, and is therefore harder to do. What you need to do is identify the situations where yelling occurs, and then break down the contributing factors. For instance: If there’s a lot of arguing about ending a video game when screen time is finished, then the issue is stopping something fun and how to shift to something else. - What can you do to give more effective warnings or reminders about the upcoming transition? - What would a logical consequence be for having a meltdown? - How can your child cope with their frustration in a different way? When you identify steps to support these goals, you create concrete actions towards accomplishing them.

Making New Habits Stick: Follow Through & Maintenance

Accountability Create a plan of accountability based on pre-planned, reoccurring family meetings to evaluate progress and make any needed changes. Put these on your calendar in your phone, and on the family schedule too. Steadiness The key to being successful with your ONE new year’s resolution is steadiness. Of course, persistence can be tough for folks with ADHD, so do the best you can. Avoid expectations of perfection, and lean into being 'good enough' instead. Rather, practice mindful self-compassion towards yourself, your children or your partner in the midst of 'efforting' to change. Encouragement Words of encouragement offer crucial support and stave off defeatist, negative self-talk. Use technology for helpful reminders and prepare to repeat cues for your kids. Don’t give up when it becomes hard or you forget to do it. Instead, recalibrate and start again.

Here’s to a healthier and happier new year for all!

The year 2022 written in fruits, in front of a green background, and text that says "good health and good life."

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

Deeper Dive: Resources in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/