YourTango: How To Talk To Kids About School Shootings & Process The Grief We're All Experiencing

"Ten days after the racially-motivated shooting in Buffalo, New York at a grocery store and ten years after the unspeakable tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut, Americans are once again dealing with a horrific mass shooting in Uvalde, Texas. This small community west of San Antonio will be forever marked by this unspeakable event: parents, siblings, friends, extended family members, coworkers, and neighbors whose lives will never be the same. My thoughts, my heart, and my grief are with the people of Uvalde. This tragedy has also undoubtedly reminded thousands of people who lost loved ones to similar atrocities: Parkland High School, Sandy Hook, Columbine High School, Las Vegas, Pittsburgh, Charleston, the list goes on and on. It’s nearly impossible not to be affected by this devastating school shooting news. In fact, it may be related to a biological response based on vicarious trauma."

Read the article featured on YourTango!

"How To Talk To Kids About School Shootings & Process The Grief We're All Experiencing"

ADDitude Mag - "Why Is Accepting Compliments So Difficult for My Child?"

"Your compliments are intended to convey your pride and enthusiasm about your son’s effort. He dismisses them because of shame, low self-esteem, and his overactive inner critic. If we can address these issues, it will be easier for him to accept your praise."

Read the full ADDitude article!

Q: “Why Is Accepting Compliments So Difficult for My Child?”

Article by Dr. Sharon Saline on ADDitude.com

ADHD Online: Understanding Hyperfocus and How to Make It Work For You

"Usually, hyperfocus happens when you’re doing an activity that you find fun or interesting, explains Sharon Saline, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist, author and speaker. But it can also happen when you’re trying to meet a deadline or work through a task you find boring, according to Susan Ciardiello, Ph.D., LCSW, an ADHD coach and psychotherapist. This is what Saline calls “productive hyperfocus,” and it’s the opposite of scrolling for hours. “In a way, hyperfocus is like sustained attention on steroids,” she says."

Read the full article on ADHD Online!

"Understanding Hyperfocus and How to Make It Work For You" by Sarah Ludwig Rausch, featuring Dr. Sharon Saline

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Intrepid Ed News - Dealing with 'Back To School' Anxiety: 5 Tips To Assist Your Child or Teen Make A Smooth Transition

5 Tips to Assist Your Child/Teen With ADHD Make A Smooth Transition: Kids have an incredible radar. They easily pick up when their parents are stressed or anxious, and it increases their own distress, conscious or unconscious. The first step in decreasing the anxiety your child or teen is feeling is to lower your own.

Take a few minutes and discuss your concerns with your partner, a friend, an extended family member, or counselor. Write these down and then strategize responses or to-do action items to each one by creating an "Anxiety Decelerator Plan." This ADP will help you feel like you have some control.

Read the full article!

"Dealing with 'Back to School" Anxiety: 5 Tips To Assist Your Child or Teen With ADHD Make A Smooth Transition" by Dr. Sharon Saline

Additude Webinar Replay - Start with ‘Hello’: How to Reduce Social Anxiety and Foster Connections

Start with ‘Hello’: How to Reduce Social Anxiety and Foster Connections

An ADDitude Webinar by Dr. Sharon Saline

Watch the webinar here!

Webinar description:

"Do you hesitate to reach out to old friends — uncertain whether they’re eager to hear from you? Do you seldom make new friends — apprehensive about risking rejection or just too exhausted to invest time and energy in social endeavors? Is speaking in public so uncomfortable that you avoid ordering take-out at your favorite cafe? Are you looking for support to reduce social anxiety? Many adults with ADHD struggle with fears of embarrassment, rejection, or criticism and hold back from participating in the relationships they truly desire. Still others are worried about missing conversational cues, and then being mocked or excluded. During these past two years of pandemic isolation and restrictions, social anxiety and rejection sensitivity have increased across the board. In other words, you may feel alone, but many others are sharing this experience. In this webinar, Dr. Sharon Saline — award-winning author, international speaker, and consultant — will help you to reduce social anxiety and learn to participate in social situations with more confidence and less self-criticism. She will explain how social anxiety works and offer tools for reducing your discomfort while improving your communication skills. You will learn how to initiate and maintain friendships, manage rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and improve your ability to connect with partners, peers, children, and even love interests. By developing resilience and shifting your mindset, you’ll be prepared to head out into the world with courage, authenticity, and concrete techniques."

In this free, hour-long webinar you will do the following:

1. 1. Understand how social anxiety and rejection sensitivity dysphoria impact adults and older teens with ADHD
   2. Learn to overcome limiting beliefs and behaviors with practical tools based on cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness
   3. Develop effective strategies for managing social situations and personal relationships with ease and confidence
   4. Improve communication skills to engage in clear, appropriate, and meaningful conversations
   5. Explore tools for improving resilience and maintaining a growth mindset.

Watch the webinar here!

Intrepid Ed News - Knowing what to do next: Tips for better planning and prioritizing

"Does it ever seem like you and your kids have way too much to do, and every task looks equally important and daunting? Many people, especially those with ADHD, struggle to make realistic plans, figure out what the order of doing things should look like, and wrestle with how to get started. Sometimes folks can make a plan but there’s so much packed in that the only way to do it all is to multitask or give up. At other moments, there needs to be a crisis or the possibility that something unpleasant will occur if you don’t do the task right now."

"Knowing what to do next: Tips for better planning and prioritizing" by Dr. Sharon Saline Click here to read the article!

YourTango: 5 Things To Try When Your Kid Says 'No!' To Everything

What can you do when your kid says "No" repeatedly? What is your child really trying to communicate? "Recently, I was in my office with Kieran, an eighth-grade boy who was complaining about being bored after school to his mom, Tara, and me. 'There’s nothing to do except gaming and you only let me do that for an hour. What else am I supposed to do?' His mom gently suggested going back to some activities that had previously interested him — guitar lessons, indoor soccer, swim team, or improvisational theater classes. 'No, no, no.' His mom turned to me and said, 'I used to do this to my mom. She called it ‘Shoot ‘em up, and knock ‘em down.’ There’s never a right answer.'"

Read the article featured on YourTango

Creating an ADHD-Friendly Morning Routine with Your Family: Wake up to a smoother start and a better day

Let’s face it–busy mornings can be stressful. It’s difficult to stay calm and collected with so much to do within a short period of time. For kids with ADHD, there are often additional stumbles and delays when they forget something, get distracted or need to make decisions on the go. Help your child, and yourself, by establishing an effective ADHD morning routine that will reduce stress and make it easier to get out the door. You can accomplish this with 3 key strategies: Get organized, plan ahead and motivate your child effectively. With a bit of preparation and a dash of flexibility, you can establish morning routines that reduce arguments and promote a calmer start to the day. With clear expectations, meaningful incentives and effective cueing, you can transform unpleasant mornings into better ones.

Step 1: Reflect on your current morning routine

What already works? What can be improved?

Before you can create an ADHD morning routine that works for your family, consider what's already working well. Then, consider what could be improved. For example, if your child cheerfully comes to the breakfast table on time, then keep doing what you’re already doing. On the other hand, if your teen has a difficult time getting out of bed independently, then that’s an area for improvement.

Step 2: Collaborate on ADHD-friendly morning routine ideas in a family meeting

Identify morning tasks:

Take the stress out of your morning by collaboratively creating an organizational roadmap with your family members. In a family meeting, talk about what needs to be accomplished each morning. Ask your child to identify the tasks they need to do each morning, like getting dressed, brushing teeth and eating breakfast.

Decide which morning tasks are priorities:

Next, think about and decide which tasks are an absolute priority for your household, and what is a "nice-to-have." If brushing teeth is non-negotiable, then carve out time for it each morning. Don’t spend your limited time and energy pushing your child into doing something that’s not a priority. Instead, focus on the truly important things. Be sure to clearly communicate these morning “must haves” to your child.

Plan the steps for completing tasks:

Brainstorm ideas for completing these tasks. Since ADHD affects your child’s ability to focus on non-desired tasks, it can be tough to focus on getting dressed, eating breakfast or putting on their shoes. Limit distractions and interruptions like TV, phone or computer use during the morning rush. Remember, there is no one right way of doing things. Your outside-the-box thinker may have some creative approaches that are worth considering. An effective ADHD routine is one which meets your family’s individual needs based on what works and what could be fine-tuned.

Step 3: Consider priorities, obstacles and opportunities for better organization

Prioritize rest and nutrition:

Of course, adequate rest and nutrition improve the start to any day.  Make sure to build in extra time for winding down in the evening and waking up in the morning, as these can be challenging for kids with ADHD. It's common for many teens with ADHD to struggle to wake up in the morning. Talk to your child's primary care provider about this issue to rule out any biological complications.

Try these tips:

• • Turn off electronic devices at least an hour before bedtime
  • Honor bedtimes and wake-up times
  • Try relaxing evening activities like reading, listening to music, yoga/stretching, coloring/drawing or family meditation to help ease into sleep 
  • Use two alarms in morning, ideally one across the room that requires movement out of bed to turn it off
  • Provide fun, healthy breakfast options like waffles with whipped cream and berries, mystery smoothies or peanut butter sandwiches cut into goofy shapes

Prep the house with clear organization:

Keeping track of everybody's stuff can also reduce morning chaos. Work together to create a home for specific things such as gloves and hats, lunchboxes, keys and phones. Cubbies, milk crates, baskets, hooks or clear plastic boxes can be lifesavers. Using labels to add visual cues can be helpful. When everything has a place of its own, you and your children will spend less time running around looking for that missing boot, wallet or permission slip. My dad always said, "Everything needs to have a place to put it." As usual, he's right–it's just hard sometimes to make that place happen. Taking time in the short run to figure this out (starting with the important stuff to reduce your overwhelm) will pay off in the long run.

Do more the night before:

Morning routines can be made more efficient by moving some of the to-dos to the night before. By shifting tasks to the previous evening, you can take a lot of pressure off of your busy morning. This also reduces the chances of unpleasant surprises or frustrating power struggles. Being prepared decreases the need to rush, worry or make hasty decisions. Here are some tasks which can be done in the evening in order to save time and ensure things go smoothly:

• • Lay out clothes
  • Prepare breakfast and/or lunch
  • Pack backpack with books/supplies/homework
  • Gather gear and equipment needed for after-school sports or clubs
  • Set the breakfast table after dinner cleanup is done

Step 4: Decide on a plan to start with

When you've gathered the information you need to create a plan, it's time to decide on one to start with. This plan will likely be adjusted later after trial-and-error, but decide on a first plan to start implementing. Having a basic plan that clearly shows the necessary steps for leaving the house will help mornings go smoother. Creating a plan ahead of time also takes the pressure off of exercising some executive functions in the morning that can be difficult for kids and teens with ADHD, such as planning, sequencing and prioritizing. Create a schedule that includes time estimates, the agreed upon morning tasks and any specific instructions for completing the tasks. Using backwards design will help you come up with time estimations. You'll also want to add in extra time for the unexpected in your calculations.

Step 5: Prepare for success

Create a physical checklist that's easily accessible:

A detailed checklist provides a practical way to help your child or teen stay on task and not forget anything important. When kids know what to do, and can mark their progress along the way, they are more likely to participate instead of obstruct. Write down the ADHD-friendly morning routine steps on a white board or tape it to the refrigerator. This reduces the need for guesswork or on-the-fly decision-making. Consider pinning a laminated list of what's needed each day for school inside the backpack itself.

Create meaningful incentives:

Set up effective, age-appropriate and meaningful incentives to motivate your child or teen to cooperate with your agreed-upon routines. Incentives motivate kids with ADHD to stick with the program and complete tasks they may find boring or unsatisfying. For example, if your 6-year-old hates brushing their teeth, incentivize them with reading a story or playing a card game before school. Or, brush your teeth alongside them to a fun song. Older kids may be enticed to get out of bed in the morning if the incentive is getting a donut on the way to school or earning bonus screen time before dinner. It is much more effective to motivate kids with ADHD with incentives that matter to them rather than punishments linked to a loss of privileges. In addition, your child will be more cooperative in getting through their morning checklist if you get them involved in creating it and give them a say in choosing reasonable incentives.

Step 6: Check-in, adjust and try again

There is always the chance that, despite your best efforts, your new ADHD morning routine won’t work as well or as quickly as you’d like. Remember that it’s a process. You may need to make several adjustments tailored to your family's unique needs, preferences and goals before finding what works. If you get pushback, try to be patient. Adjust your expectations, and try to address one improvement at a time. On the morning that things don’t go according to plan, try to stay cool, manage your emotions and keep your sense of humor. And when things do go well, give your child genuine praise and encouragement. Celebrating these wins will give you and your child further motivation to commit to effective routines for a more calm and pleasant family life.

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Read more blog posts:

• New Year, New Habits, Same ADHD: How to plan for and maintain new habits together, as a family
• Productive Procrastination and ADHD: How to stop running in place and start tackling your goals
• Parenting Neurodivergent Kids with a Growth Mindset: How you can take ‘failure’ out of your vocabulary

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

• ADHD Communication Tips: Conveying ideas, feelings & frustrations
• Initiating and Completing Tasks with ADHD
• How Do I Manage Screen Time and ADHD?

Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/homework/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

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ADDitude Mag - "Working Memory vs. Short-Term Memory: What’s the Difference?"

"While there’s some debate in the field about this, it’s generally held that short-term memory is super quick: It stores information briefly. Working memory is related to short-term memory, but it lasts slightly longer and is involved in the manipulation of information."

Read the full article!

ADHD and Bullying (Part 2): How you can prepare kids to support victims of bullying as helpful upstanders

When it comes to bullying, there are two responsible parties: the bully and the bystander. Bystanders, or “onlookers,” are people who witness bullying behavior and allow the bully to continue by either encouraging it or saying nothing. The unspoken and often unconscious support of the non-aggressive majority–the bystanders- empowers the bully. Therefore, the bystander has a great deal of power and responsibility to intervene and stop the harassment. In part 1 of the ADHD and Bullying series, we learned that neurodivergent kids are sometimes a bully's target, and other times may bully others. Here, we’ll explore how they can stop being bystanders and instead become upstanders by helping victims of bullying.

Why bystanders do nothing

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” – Martin Luther King Jr.  All too often, bystanders who witness bullying know that it’s wrong and feel guilty for not acting. Yet, they still don’t do anything to stop it. They recognize that the bully is in the position of power and are tempted to participate, feeling relieved that they themselves are not the victim. This is especially true for neurodivergent kids who may frequently find themselves on the receiving end of harassment. Additionally, it’s likely that multiple bystanders are witnesses to any given incident of harassment. People can go along with a group decision or action against their own better judgment or values. In a group, people are often less empathic and caring than they are individually. So, what’s motivating them to side with the bully instead of the victim? Most often, it’s fear. Fear of:

• • Being hurt themselves if they defend the victim
  • Becoming the bully’s next target
  • Doing something that will only make the situation worse
  • Not knowing what to do or whom to ask for help
  • Having a reputation for being a “tattler”

Fortunately, we can overcome these fears. Once we understand why we’re afraid to act and the consequences of not stepping in to help, it’s easy to find the courage and compassion to do the right thing.

Why it’s important to help stop bullying

Kids who get bullied may eventually become bullies themselves, perpetuating the cycle of cruelty. Therefore, taking measures to stop bullying incidents is an important step in breaking this cycle. Most bullying happens under the radar of adults, either at school, in the neighborhood, or online. Kids don’t want to report it because of the enormous stigma attached to being a “tattle”–someone who tells a responsible adult about something in order to get someone in trouble. Cyberbullying has become a serious risk linked to psychological problems in adolescents. Kids and teens who have been cyberbullied reported higher levels of depression and thoughts of suicide, as well as greater emotional distress, hostility and delinquency compared with peers who were not. Students most often report physical appearance, race/ethnicity, gender, disability, religion, and sexual orientation to be reasons for being targeted by bullies. (National Center for Educational Statistics, 2019)

Recent statistics on bullying illustrate the extent of the problem:

• • One out of every five (20.2%) students report being bullied (National Center for Educational Statistics, 2019 ).
  • 41% of students who reported being bullied at school indicated that they think the bullying would happen again (National Center for Educational Statistics, 2019).
  • 49.8% of tweens (9 to 12 years old) said they experienced bullying at school and 14.5% of tweens shared they experienced bullying online (Patchin & Hinduja, 2020).

However, there is encouraging data, too. School-based bullying prevention programs decrease bullying by up to 25% (McCallion & Feder, 2013). Families can support schools’ anti-bullying education by having conversations about bullying at home. Making students aware that there are better alternatives to being bystanders is an important part of raising healthy, resilient kids. It also contributes to a safer and more supportive community, in which they can thrive.

How to teach kids with ADHD to become helpful upstanders for victims of bullying: 

We can teach children and teens to recognize when they find themselves in the role of onlooker. We can help them overcome their fears and encourage them to take action. Kids with ADHD know all too well how bad it feels to be taunted and feel helpless. So, helping neurodivergent kids identify these feelings is the first step in harnessing their empathy in support of their peers. Encourage your child to recognize situations in which they are bystanders. Ask them to reflect on their feelings about what they see. Assure your child that parents, teachers and other caring adults can help and support them. Adults can recommend safe ways for them to prevent, intervene or address bullying. Most importantly, tell your child how proud you are of them when they show compassion and help targets of bullying. Help them identify the positive emotions resulting from their good deeds. Bystanders can become upstanders through prevention and intervention measures.

Prevention steps include: 

• • Being inclusive by welcoming others to join their activities and groups
  • Being a role model for pro-social behavior by showing kindness, respect and empathy for others
  • Walking or sitting with vulnerable kids who may be targets of bullying
  • Getting involved with bullying prevention efforts at school or in the community

Interventions during a bullying incident may include:

• • Defending the target of the bullying verbally or by physically standing near the victim
  • Intervening as a group
  • Changing the subject
  • Questioning the bullying behavior
  • Using humor to lighten up a serious situation
  • Openly stating an objection to bullying
  • Stating approval of the victim and validating his or her social status

Address bullying after it happens by:

• • Reaching out privately to the target of the bullying to express support and concern
  • Inviting the target of bullying to walk to school/class with you
  • Offering to sit next to the target at lunch or on the bus
  • Reporting the bullying to a trusted adult, parent, teacher or school administrator
  • Reaching out privately to the person doing the bullying to express concern, if they feels safe to do so
  • Enlisting the help of other kids who dislike the bully. As they say, “there’s power in numbers”

Helpful Resources:

If you'd like addition information and support on bullying prevention or intervention, here are a few recommended resources:

Articles:

• • Assistant Secretary for Public Affairs (ASPA). (2021, May 21). Bystanders are essential to bullying prevention and intervention. StopBullying.gov. Retrieved from https://www.stopbullying.gov/resources/research-resources/bystanders-are-essential
  • LGBTQ+ bullying. LGBTQ Bullying | STOMP Out Bullying. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.stompoutbullying.org/lgbtq-bullying.
  • Roberts, M. (2020, August 26). CDC releases National Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Results. HRC. Retrieved from https://www.hrc.org/news/new-cdc-data-shows-lgbtq-youth-are-more-likely-to-be-bullied-than-straight-cisgender-youth.

Organizations & Websites:

• • STOMP Out Bullying: https://www.stompoutbullying.org/
  • StopBullying.gov. | Health Resources and Services Administration (HRSA) https://www.stopbullying.gov/
  • PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center: https://www.pacer.org/BULLYING/
  • The Human Rights Campaign: https://www.hrc.org/

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Read more blog posts:

• ADHD and Bullying (Part 1): How to help kids with ADHD recognize, respond to and prevent bullying
• Social Anxiety and ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation
• ADHD, Emotional Regulation and Managing Family Conflict: Replacing Time-outs with Time-in or Time-apart

Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:

• ADHD Parenting: Teasing and Bullying, What’s the Difference

Deeper Dive in Dr. Saline’s Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/

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YourTango: Daydreamers Are Basically Creative Geniuses — How To Harness A Wandering Mind

"It's time to start letting go of the shame of daydreaming and be proud of being scatterbrained. Many parents and teachers are concerned when they see children or teens daydreaming or spacing out. They wrongfully assume that daydreaming is not "productive" and is, therefore, a waste of time. However, periodically letting your mind drift is actually good for you. It allows for creativity, exploration, and rest that the brain doesn’t otherwise engage in."

Read the article featured on YourTango!

Intrepid Ed News: Let’s get started! 5 tips for helping kids get things done

"Do you wonder why some kids struggle with starting things, sticking with them, and finishing up? Whether it’s working on a school project or preparing for their birthday party, many children and teens struggle with getting started on tasks that seem important but can be tedious, boring, unachievable, or overwhelming. Sometimes it takes the urgency and pressure of deadlines to get anything done, and it’s often at the last minute..."

Click here to read the article.

YourTango: It's Not Just Puppy Love — 4 Things You Must Do When Your Tween Has A Crush

"Is your tween showing signs of a first crush? Do you notice them spending more time in front of the mirror, carefully picking out just the right outfit, and doing their hair? Are they suddenly showering more often, texting with intensity, or casually dropping someone’s name in conversation with a slight blush? Brace yourself: It’s your tween’s first crush! They are awash in a range of new, powerful emotions that, when combined with the hormonal surges related to puberty, might transform them into someone you barely recognize!"

Read the article featured on YourTango!

ADDitude Mag - Q: “Fear of Failure Holds Me Back. How Do I Let Go of Past Mistakes?”

“When you make choices that hold you back in any way, what you’re really doing is depriving the world of the uniqueness that is you. Risk is an inherent part of life – and you can’t live a full life where you’re not taking risks and sharing all you have to offer with others.”

Read the article!

ADHD and Bullying (Part 1): How to help kids with ADHD recognize, respond to and prevent bullying

Sadly, it's all too common that neurodivergent kids to experience some level of teasing, taunting or bullying as they grow. Despite anti-bullying policies in schools and best efforts to raise awareness, kids with ADHD will likely find themselves as victims and/or aggressors at one time or another. Children and teens may not realize when they’ve crossed the line from gentle ribbing into full-on bullying. What may start out as playful interactions may quickly snowball into a serious problem. Kids with ADHD already wrestle with impulse control, emotional regulation and social relationships. Therefore, it's especially important for them to understand the differences between teasing and taunting. In addition, it's important for them to grasp the limits of appropriate and inappropriate behaviors. These children and teens will greatly benefit from learning practical tools to use in challenging peer situation based on direct instruction, empathic inquiry and collaboration. 

Teasing vs. Taunting

Teasing is a light, fun thing you do with friends or family—people you care about—without malice. Taunting, however, is a form of bullying. It’s something you do to someone you don’t like, is intentionally harmful, and involves humiliation, cruelty or bigotry. In teasing, you are laughing WITH the person; in taunting, you are laughing AT the person. Let’s consider some examples:

• • Teasing: Giggling at your sibling’s “impressive case of bed hair” 
  • Taunting: Calling a classmate “fatso” or using other derogatory names

• • Teasing: Friends in advanced math class calling each other “dork” or “nerd” because they like solving tough calculation problems
  • Taunting: Making mean, derogatory remarks about someone’s accent or manner of dress

Teasing is often done with humor, is reciprocal, doesn’t affect self-esteem and will stop when it is no longer fun. Taunting, on the other hand, involves ill will and continues or even escalates after the recipient is hurt or asks for the taunting to stop.

Bullying: Intent and Types

Bullying is the intent to hurt or intimidate someone whom the bully perceives as weak, vulnerable and unable to defend themselves. It is a repetitive, purposeful, aggressive activity meant to cause harm or fear through the threat of further hostility. Bullying takes different formats: physical aggression (hurting people physically) and relational aggression (starting rumors, exclusion, spreading gossip, taunting and getting people to “gang up” on others). Social media, 3-way phone calls and emails can perpetuate relational aggression. In addition, 24/7 digital connectivity can cause someone to feel like there is no safe space for them.

ADHD and Bullying

Often, the roles of bully and victim are fluid. Kids who feel insecure or different from others are more likely to be aggressors at one time and then victims at another. Children and teens with ADHD may become easier targets for bullies due to certain behaviors they tend to exhibit. These include impulsiveness, clumsiness, social anxiety, academic struggles and awkwardness. They may also be less awareness about personal space, boundaries and social cues. For instance, kids with ADHD may have greater challenges navigating awkward conversations and reading body language, or they may struggle with identifying when they are in danger of being targeted or attacked. However, the very same impulsivity and socials challenges that make kids with ADHD more likely to be targets of taunting may also lead them to take out their frustrations on others and become more aggressive. As a result, they could become bullies themselves.

Why Do Kids Taunt Each Other?

It’s crucial to understand the underlying causes of bullying in order to respond effectively. Bullying is often about power struggles and the need for some kids to come out on top, regardless of the consequences. Although bullies are the clear aggressors, it's important to note that "bystanders" (those who stand by and allow the bullying to take place without helping) are just as responsible. Bystanders enable and empower the aggressor to do harm. Although they may not be doing the tormenting with their own words or actions, bystanders are just as complicit. Their motivations are also just as complex. (Learn more about bystanders in next week's blog post - ADHD and Bullying, Part 2!)

The most common causes of bullying are:

• A desire to fit in with/be accepted by "cool" or "popular" kids - "I want to be liked"
• Peer pressure - "If others are doing it, I can too"
• A defense mechanism - "If I bully others, others won’t bully me"
• Way to increase social status - "I feel stronger/smarter/better when I put others down"

Tools for Kids and Teens to Respond to Bullying

If your child is being bullied, you can teach and support them with these effective interventions: 1. Encourage your child to speak up for themselves in non-provocative ways to assert strength. 2. Remind your child that they are not alone, despite feeling picked on or even isolated. Point out their true friends, and encourage them to spend time together. For younger children, facilitate these meet-ups; for older ones, brainstorm possible ideas.  3. Explore ways for your child or teen to engage the assistance of their true friends in times of need. This can be valuable in tricky social situations that may be potential environments for bullying. Furthermore, discuss techniques and exact phrases to use to extricate oneself from an uncomfortable situation. Use role-play to practice them. 4. Assist your child or teen in monitoring their own behavior. Their actions might unknowingly be provoking negative responses from others. On the other hand, it may be aggressive in some way. Help them build self-awareness about statements, actions or facial expressions that might be misinterpreted as hostile. 5. Talk with teachers about facilitating connections through school collaborations on projects or seating near like-minded individuals. Engage the school's assistance in fostering positive connections, and make sure they are aware of the social dynamics your child is facing. 6. Create a safety plan that details what to say or do when bullying occurs in person or online. This plan should include: who to talk to (a friend or adult), where to go at school (the office of the nurse or counselor), what to do that is self-protective but not retaliatory, and how to minimize reacting.  

More Confidence, Less Conflict

Having a strong sense of self will not only prevent your child from becoming a bully, but will also allow them to respond effectively if others bully them. Nurture self-confidence in your child or teen by identifying interests and capabilities. Help them learn to develop skills and pride in these areas. Be sure to acknowledge their efforts as well as their accomplishments. Furthermore, stay compassionate and steady in your relationship. Your connection strengthens the internal resources necessary to weather painful, peer social dynamics. These are the key nutrients that help grow self-worth and defend against the cruelties of taunting and bullying. 

Helpful Resources:

If you'd like addition information and support on bullying prevention or intervention, here are a few recommended resources:

Articles:

• • Assistant Secretary for Public Affairs (ASPA). (2021, May 21). Bystanders are essential to bullying prevention and intervention. StopBullying.gov. Retrieved from https://www.stopbullying.gov/resources/research-resources/bystanders-are-essential
  • LGBTQ+ bullying. LGBTQ Bullying | STOMP Out Bullying. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.stompoutbullying.org/lgbtq-bullying.
  • Roberts, M. (2020, August 26). CDC releases National Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Results. HRC. Retrieved from https://www.hrc.org/news/new-cdc-data-shows-lgbtq-youth-are-more-likely-to-be-bullied-than-straight-cisgender-youth.

Organizations & Websites:

• • STOMP Out Bullying: https://www.stompoutbullying.org/
  • StopBullying.gov. | Health Resources and Services Administration (HRSA) https://www.stopbullying.gov/
  • PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center: https://www.pacer.org/BULLYING/
  • The Human Rights Campaign: https://www.hrc.org/

*Read ADHD and Bullying (Part 2): How you can prepare kids to support victims of bullying as helpful upstanders

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Read more blog posts:

• Social Anxiety and ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation
• Gender, Sexuality and ADHD: Parenting Children and Youth with ADHD Exploring Their Gender and Sexual Identity
• Tips for Neurodiverse Social Communication: Engaging in more enjoyable and effective conversations

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

• ADHD Parenting: Teasing and Bullying, What's the Difference

Deeper Dive in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/whats-up-with-all-this-anger/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

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ADDitude Mag - When Perfectionism Stems from ADHD: Challenging the Fallacy of “Not Good Enough”

When Perfectionism Stems from ADHD: Challenging the Fallacy of “Not Good Enough”

"Perfectionism, when unhealthy, drives a person to exhaustion striving for a flawlessness that’s neither reasonable nor healthy. Though it may seem contradictory, perfectionist traits may stem from ADHD — an overcompensation for past errors or for feeling “not good enough.” Letting go of perfectionism does not mean eliminating worries around mistakes, failure, and judgment, but rather accepting that they are part of life — and one that can help us grow."

Read the full article!

ADDitude Free Download: The Eisenhower Matrix for ADHD Decision-Making

The Eisenhower Matrix for ADHD Decision-Making

The Eisenhower Matrix is a simple, effective decision-making tool for determining which tasks deserve our immediate action, our long-term attention, our delegation skills, and our circular bins.

What Is the Eisenhower Matrix?

"It’s human nature. When a fire sparks up, we drop everything to fight it. But in our ADHD lives, there are little fires everywhere. And we get so busy extinguishing flames sometimes that we can spend a whole day — maybe a week — spinning around and around in a mess of fire retardant. We’re exhausted but have nothing to show for our time or energy. If this sounds familiar, let me introduce you to the Eisenhower Matrix, a decision-making tool devised by the 34th President of the United States — a five-star general who accomplished a dizzying amount of important work in his two terms. Use the chart below to help determine which flare-ups could be delegated or ignored, and which ones actually deserve your precious attention."

Get the free download here!

YourTango - The 5 Most Overlooked Symptoms Of Inattentive ADHD & How To Cope With Each

"Inattentive ADHD is often characterized by difficulties in keeping focused, staying organized, and following directions or conversations. These experiences may lead to a sustained pattern of losing things, careless mistakes, and mental fatigue. There are three different types of ADHD, each with differences in how they present and in how the affect a person's life. As a psychologist, I understand how often the issues associated with inattentive ADHD are often misunderstood as defiance, lack of comprehension, lower intelligence, or laziness..."

Read the article featured on YourTango

Intrepid Ed News - Improve your student’s study and work habits: Using my GRIT method

"Does it ever seem like once your child or teen gets started on a project that they struggle to sustain their interest and complete it? Sustained-attention and goal-directed persistence are two key executive functioning skills that work together to help a student cross the finish line. Sustained attention refers to the ability to maintain focus and extended efforts over time..."

Click here to read the article.

ADHD Hyperfocus: How to manage this double-edged sword for your health and productivity

Are you ever so engrossed in an activity that time seems to stop and nothing can tear you away? Does it ever seem like you lose sense of where you are and what’s happening around you? This can be the experience of hyperfocus for many people with ADHD. Hyperfocus is defined as “a phenomenon that reflects one’s complete absorption in a task, to a point where a person appears to completely ignore or ‘tune out’ everything else.” Hyperfocus frequently occurs during a fun or interesting activity, and it often crops up without conscious intent. Your concentration is captivated by something, and, although your attention can be channeled into have-to tasks, it can be drawn towards unproductive, procrastinating activities, too. That’s part of what makes it both exhilarating and frustrating.

Hyperfocus: A double-edged sword

Many people with ADHD see hyperfocus as a superpower: it’s a state of mind that fosters unusual productivity through total absorption in a task. But some folks also see it as a weakness: it accounts for vast periods of time spent on distractions to dodge unpleasant responsibilities. Hyperfocus, it seems, is a double-edged sword: a great capacity for effective performance on interesting, high-value tasks on the one side, and a great capacity for avoiding things by disappearing into pleasurable distractions on the other. By nurturing executive functioning skills such as prioritization, time management and self-awareness, you can harness the power of your hyperfocus more efficiently. 

Self-Awareness During Hyperfocus

Being aware of where you are directing your attention, and for how long, is an important step in addressing hyperfocus. Focus is a dynamic process of choosing what is critical to notice, attempt or recall. Where you direct your focus is akin to pointing the spotlight of your attention on something. Hyperfocus is an amplified type of focus, where you can be totally captivated on something until you are interrupted or just lose interest. Many folks with ADHD may not notice when the hyperfocus episode begins but become aware when they return from it. Perhaps this happens to you: you’re not sure where the time went, and you don’t really have a plan for re-entry or catching up. You can cope with these moments of disorientation by learning to be as intentional about what you’re not going to concentrate on as what you are going to do.

Recognizing States of Focus and Distraction

To improve any type of focus, begin to notice where it is and where it isn’t. This is more difficult than it sounds, and, when somebody is stressed, anxious or depressed, it’s even tougher. Marla, a twenty year old sophomore in college who struggled with panic attacks, complained to me about her required writing course and her distractability: “It’s boring, I hate writing, and the teacher has a monotonous voice that puts me to sleep. I pay attention to any little thing except what’s going on and then, when he calls on me, I am totally lost and embarrassed.” I asked her to make a list of things that distracted her in that class and to bring it to my office for the next session. She reported that, just by noticing where her attention went, she was able to bring herself back to the class discussion more often, and even made a few relevant comments. Paying attention to where your attention goes is similarly effective in handling hyperfocus episodes.

The Unhealthy Costs of Hyperfocus

The experience of hyperfocus differs widely from person to person, because it vacillates from being a helpful tool for productivity and an effective way to escape. Self-care activities such as eating, drinking and using the bathroom may be postponed for hours, resulting in low blood sugar, irritability and fatigue.

Kieran, age 25, says: “Hyperfocus is confusing. It’s the only time when I get to be more productive at work than anybody else. I can do more in three hours than my neurotypical colleagues get done in twice that time. But, at home, sometimes I zone out while gaming and forget to check my phone for texts or even go to sleep. Then, I’m exhausted the next day.”

Ellie, age 40, explains the value and challenges of hyperfocus: “Hyperfocus is the only time that I feel truly alive. My brain is fully engaged, 100%, time stops, and I’m flying along. But my partner or my co-workers have to poke me in the arm to remind me about lunch or a big meeting. At the end of a good day, with a lot accomplished, I can feel quite energized.”

Change Takes Practice

Although you may finish tasks, some aspects of hyperfocus do not foster healthy productivity. This can be challenging for kids, teens and adults who experience hyperfocus. However, tools for coping with hyperfocus and managing it more mindfully can improve with practice and experience. Michayla, age 33, has learned how to manage hyperfocus better as she has gotten older: “Hyperfocus is when I can do a single task without getting distracted and think only about it. But I also lose touch with my body and don’t notice that I’m hungry, thirsty or need to use the bathroom. As a child, I had so many bladder infections because I never stopped to go to the bathroom. On my home videos, I always have this little pink liquid and a straw with me. It's an antibiotic. That’s how many bladder infections I had. Now, I stop to go to the bathroom, have a drink or eat something so I don’t get dizzy.” 

Flow vs. Hyperfocus: Related, but not the same

Everybody experiences flow states at one time or another that are triggered by internal motivation and external situations. These flow states–often called ‘being in the zone,’ refer to heightened intuition and performance, where decisions happen automatically and creative breakthroughs occur. They are positive, desirable and can be cultivated and planned for. Hyperfocus, on the other hand, is typically experienced by people with ADHD and stems from challenges with handling the direction of focus and the depth of attention. Hyperfocus is more unpredictable, it appears intermittently, and it's usefulness varies. When hyperfocus is helpful, it’s usually because somebody has entered into a temporary flow state. If you can identify the difference between your personal states of flow and hyperfocus, you're more likely to optimize your productivity.

4 Tips to Help Adults Better Manage Their Hyperfocus:

1. Identify and investigate:

Learn more about your pattern of hyperfocus by increasing self-awareness.

• • What does hyperfocus look like for you?
  • How long does it occur?
  • Do you neglect self-care?
  • How do you respond to interruptions?

Notice when you tend to engage in hyperfocus by examining the situation, the environment and your motivation. Are you focusing on an interesting task or avoiding something unappealing? This type of reflection will increase your capacity for metacognition, helping you monitor when hyperfocus takes over. Thoughtful self-evaluation will also help you take action to exit from an episode.

2. Plan and prioritize:

Do a brain dump of all of the tasks in front of you for the day or the week. Then, make another, shorter list where you order the tasks in terms of urgency (do it now because of a deadline) or importance (value and satisfaction with less pressure). Then, break down your day into blocks of time, and assign the urgent tasks first, followed by the important ones. Limit the quantity of the tasks into each block of time so you can reach your goals and feel accomplishment. You can limit the number of tasks by flagging the ones that can be rolled over into tomorrow.

3. Improve time management practices:

Use tools to increase your awareness of time and how it passes. Set up several alerts, using a variety of tools–your phone, your computer, banners across the screen, analog clocks or timers. Work in intervals with planned, structured breaks to keep yourself on track and limit the negative aspects of hyperfocus.

4. Find an accountability buddy:

You don’t have to address the challenging, over-absorbing aspects of hyperfocus alone! Instead, ask someone in your life to check in with you at times when you are prone to hyperfocus. It could be a family member, friend, colleague, or someone you met at an ADHD support group. This can help you break up these hyperfocus periods. If this person also has ADHD, you can support each other with this practice. Helping somebody else with their hyperfocus can assist you with your own focus regulation as well.

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Read more blog posts:

• Recognizing Inattentive ADHD: The 5 Most Overlooked Signs and Helpful Tips for Living with Them
• ADHD and Metacognition: Learning to reflect on your thoughts and experiences with a growth mindset
• Planning and Prioritizing Practices for ADHD Brains: What’s the plan, and when do you start?!

Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:

• The Pros and Cons of Hyperfocus (ADHD Support Group / Q&A)
• ADHD and Metacognition – Executive Functioning Support (ADHD Support Group / Q&A)

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