Taking Control, The ADHD Podcast: Call Out Your Stinking Thinking! ADHD & Self-Compassion with Dr. Sharon Saline
Dr. Sharon Saline joins Nikki Kinzer and Pete Wright on Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast!
"We'd never heard of the phrase stinking thinking until Sharon Saline used it with us on the show this week. But we knew what it meant immediately. We live with it. It's the thinking we use about ourselves when we're compromised or when our reserves of resiliency have been tapped, and when what we need more than anything else is just a little bit of self-compassion. But as ADHDers, finding self-compassion isn't always natural. We have to make a practice of it, integrating the language and behaviors of compassion into our days and hours such that when we need it, it's not so hard to find..." Listen to the episode below, or click here to listen at TakeControlADHD.com.
Psychology Today: ADHD and Self-Awareness
How to improve metacognition and nurture resilience.
"Do you ever struggle with evaluating how you are doing in real-time and pivoting appropriately? Metacognition, also known as self-awareness, is a key executive functioning skill that coalesces in the late twenties for people with ADHD. It refers to processes related to understanding your thinking and thought processes to improve learning and performance. It’s a way to think about your thinking." Read the full article by Dr. Saline!
ADDitude Free Download: The Eisenhower Matrix for ADHD Decision-Making
The Eisenhower Matrix for ADHD Decision-Making
The Eisenhower Matrix is a simple, effective decision-making tool for determining which tasks deserve our immediate action, our long-term attention, our delegation skills, and our circular bins.
What Is the Eisenhower Matrix?
"It’s human nature. When a fire sparks up, we drop everything to fight it. But in our ADHD lives, there are little fires everywhere. And we get so busy extinguishing flames sometimes that we can spend a whole day — maybe a week — spinning around and around in a mess of fire retardant. We’re exhausted but have nothing to show for our time or energy. If this sounds familiar, let me introduce you to the Eisenhower Matrix, a decision-making tool devised by the 34th President of the United States — a five-star general who accomplished a dizzying amount of important work in his two terms. Use the chart below to help determine which flare-ups could be delegated or ignored, and which ones actually deserve your precious attention."
When Kids with ADHD Have Oppositional Reactions: Moving past 'No' with the PAUSE program
With all of the frustration, disappointment and restriction children and teens with ADHD are feeling these days, it’s even harder for them to self-regulate at school or at home. They may lose their temper more quickly, say inappropriate things, and refuse requests to finish chores or stop gaming. How can you respond to these oppositional reactions with strategies beyond yelling, taking things away, or banishing them from your sight? What are some choices that promote stability in the home and connection in the parent-child relationship? My PAUSE program–Plan to Accept, Understand, Set Limits and Encourage–can help you and your child better connect, communicate and find solutions.
'No' – A familiar story
Recently, I was in my office with Kieran–an eighth grade boy who was complaining about being bored after school to his mom, Tara, and me. “There’s nothing to do except gaming, and you only let me do that for an hour. What else am I supposed to do?” His mom gently suggested going back to some activities that had previously interested him—guitar lessons, indoor soccer, swim team, improvisational theater classes. “No, no, no.” His mom turned to me and said: “I used to do this to my mom. She called it ‘Shoot ‘em up, and knock ‘em down.’ There’s never a right answer.” I instantly wondered if ‘No’ meant ‘Forget about it’ or ‘I’m not sure and need to think about it.’ Indoor soccer and theater were hard ‘No's.’ Guitar and swimming were more of an ‘I’ll think about it.” I asked Kieran why he doesn’t just say that, and he shrugged, “I don’t know...I just can’t think about all that stuff at once." Saying ‘No’ flat out like that gives him space to think about something without any pressure.
ADHD and oppositional reactions
With working memory and/or processing speed challenges, kids with ADHD often feel overwhelmed—emotionally, cognitively and/or socially. Biologically, they lack adequate amounts of dopamine and norepinephrine in their brains. This deficiency makes it difficult for people with ADHD to process and recall information efficiently and keep up with all of the activity around them. In addition, people with ADHD frequently struggle to articulate these mostly unconscious cognitive processes. What most kids tell me is that they simply feel flooded and agitated. They try to muddle through and manage these feelings at school or with friends. However, by the time they arrive home, they don’t feel obligated to hold it together any more. As Sal once told me, “I’m not going to be suspended from my family.” He feels safe enough with his caring parents to shut down and push boundaries. There's also more flexibility in creating whatever space he needs to process information at a pace that works for his uniquely wired brain.
What 'NO' means to your child or teen
A ‘No’ might be a response to what your child or teen may grasp as a demand rather than a request. Before you investigate what ‘NO’ really means, reflect on how you ask your child to do something or engage them in a task. Invitations, doing something alongside them (being a body double) and noticing their efforts contribute to better cooperation. Find a calm moment and ask them about ‘NO.’ Take out your curiosity, and gather some information. Is saying ‘NO’ about setting limits, being contrary, slowing things down or something else? Maybe it’s a combination of things. Brainstorm alternatives to ‘No’ that include coming up with a few words or phrases to use when they need time to think about something.
Preparing ahead for oppositional behaviors
Nobody likes meltdowns, explosions or arguments. Kids with ADHD have told me repeatedly that they feel bad about themselves after these outbursts, and many parents also regret what they’ve said or done. But, in moments of high emotion, people naturally stop listening and quickly move to reactivity. Instead of being surprised every time your youngster pushes back or refuses something, understand that these behaviors are a natural part of growing up and exploring independence. Expect that these incidents will occur, and rely on a strategy for when they do. It’s the resistance and the combativeness that wears families down and really exhausts parents. My PAUSE program--Plan to Accept Understand Set Limits and Encourage--assists you in creating that strategy.
Responding to oppositional reactions with the PAUSE program:
'Plan to Accept, Understand, Set Limits and Encourage'
1. Plan (Plan ahead with options):
Focus on making a plan to cope with the pattern of anger for yourself and your child rather than deal with its changing content. Otherwise, you’ll be playing Whack A Mole. In a quiet moment, make a list of what you can easily do to stay grounded. If you are dysregulated, you won’t be able to respond effectively or help your youngster calm down. Whether it’s going to the bathroom to collect yourself for a few minutes or getting a glass of water or opening a window, break up the action in a non-threatening way. This re-centering needs to be your initial reflexive step to slow down the fast-paced action. Once you’ve clarified this for yourself, sit with your child or teen and ask them what helps them regroup. Follow up by asking how much time they need for this. Write down their options, and post the list in their room or in the kitchen.
2. Accept (Nurture and acknowledge):
Stop trying to convince your child or teen of anything. Rather, accept where you both are in a given moment. Remember, their listening stopped when they became activated, and they want to be seen and heard by you. Acknowledge what they are saying with reflective listening: “I heard you say this, is that right?” When they feel that you are paying attention–instead of correcting them for cursing at you or justifying why you called the school about their F in English–they will start to settle. It may be tense and uncomfortable, but you can do this. You’ve probably handled a lot of other unpleasant situations before!
3. Understand (Practice compassion):
As tough as it can be, empathy is what’s called for when kids, especially neurodivergent kids, are distressed. Kids and teens with ADHD often feel overwhelmed. Their thinking brains and weaker executive functioning skills simply cannot manage their heightened emotions. They are acting out because they lack the resources to do anything different in those moments. 
Neurodivergent kids need caring adults to dig deep and find some compassion, rather than exploding about how they should get their act together. When a child is resistant, oppositional and intransigent, many parents feel desperate to regain authority and establish stability. Parents often do this by taking things away from their kids. But while punishments may offer short-term relief, they don’t bring long-term success. Avoid saying things like, “I’m taking away your phone for 3 days. You can’t talk to me that way.” Turn it around and say, “You have not earned the privilege of using your phone with that language. When you can go for 3 days without cursing, you’ll get it back. That’s the agreement we have.” Relying on appropriate incentives is what shifts negativity to cooperation.
4. Set limits (Clear rules with family meetings to foster collaboration):
The goal is to help kids with ADHD develop their executive functioning skills for self-regulation, engaging in interpersonal connections, and achieving goals. It’s a natural part of living to become angry, to want to get your own way, and to avoid disappointment. However, it’s not okay to be aggressive about these. Punishment doesn’t teach any lasting skills, and it rules by fear. We want our kids to be motivated to make other choices. Logical consequences, on the other hand, allow you to set limits and use meaningful incentives as motivators. You place 'have-to’s' before 'want-to’s.' The trick is staying steady in the face of your child or teen’s displeasure, and following through. In a family meeting or a quiet moment, make collaborative agreements about actions and words that are unwelcome.
5. Encourage (Focus on the present and moving forward):
Once the storm has passed, focus on the present moment. What needs to happen NOW to move beyond its wreckage? This is not a time to teach any lessons. The situation is still too raw for your child or teen, and such a conversation may trigger the outburst all over again. You may want to talk about your upset and let them know how they have messed up. But, will this serve them to learn the skills they need and strengthen your relationship? They need encouragement rather than blame at this moment. Talk about the next move to get on with things instead. Later that day, or some time tomorrow, casually wonder about the take-aways from what happened. Was there anything each of you regretted? How would you like to deal with that type of behavior in the future? These questions open up conversation, explore options and validate positive engagement. Be patient with yourself and your family as you incorporate this model into your daily lives. Everybody has a shorter fuse right now so it may take longer to get this going. That’s okay. It’s one step at a time!
Read more blog posts:
- Cooling Down Conversations in Neurodiverse Families: De-escalate and do-over with ‘WAIT-Now’ and ‘Take Back of the Day’
- Negative Memory Bias and ADHD: Tips to Help Kids and Youth with ADHD Remember the Positives
- Tone of Voice Awareness in Neurodiverse Families: How to practice self-regulation in family conflicts
Watch on YouTube:
- ADHD and Oppositional Defiance (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- Anger Management with ADHD (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)
YourTango - The 5 Most Overlooked Symptoms Of Inattentive ADHD & How To Cope With Each
22 News Mass Appeal - Four ways to help manage a frustrated child
Intrepid Ed News - Improve your student’s study and work habits: Using my GRIT method
ADHD Hyperfocus: How to manage this double-edged sword for your health and productivity
Are you ever so engrossed in an activity that time seems to stop and nothing can tear you away? Does it ever seem like you lose sense of where you are and what’s happening around you? This can be the experience of hyperfocus for many people with ADHD. Hyperfocus is defined as “a phenomenon that reflects one’s complete absorption in a task, to a point where a person appears to completely ignore or ‘tune out’ everything else.” Hyperfocus frequently occurs during a fun or interesting activity, and it often crops up without conscious intent. Your concentration is captivated by something, and, although your attention can be channeled into have-to tasks, it can be drawn towards unproductive, procrastinating activities, too. That’s part of what makes it both exhilarating and frustrating.
Hyperfocus: A double-edged sword
Many people with ADHD see hyperfocus as a superpower: it’s a state of mind that fosters unusual productivity through total absorption in a task. But some folks also see it as a weakness: it accounts for vast periods of time spent on distractions to dodge unpleasant responsibilities. Hyperfocus, it seems, is a double-edged sword: a great capacity for effective performance on interesting, high-value tasks on the one side, and a great capacity for avoiding things by disappearing into pleasurable distractions on the other. By nurturing executive functioning skills such as prioritization, time management and self-awareness, you can harness the power of your hyperfocus more efficiently.
Self-Awareness During Hyperfocus
Being aware of where you are directing your attention, and for how long, is an important step in addressing hyperfocus. Focus is a dynamic process of choosing what is critical to notice, attempt or recall. Where you direct your focus is akin to pointing the spotlight of your attention on something. Hyperfocus is an amplified type of focus, where you can be totally captivated on something until you are interrupted or just lose interest. Many folks with ADHD may not notice when the hyperfocus episode begins but become aware when they return from it. Perhaps this happens to you: you’re not sure where the time went, and you don’t really have a plan for re-entry or catching up. You can cope with these moments of disorientation by learning to be as intentional about what you’re not going to concentrate on as what you are going to do.
Recognizing States of Focus and Distraction
To improve any type of focus, begin to notice where it is and where it isn’t. This is more difficult than it sounds, and, when somebody is stressed, anxious or depressed, it’s even tougher. Marla, a twenty year old sophomore in college who struggled with panic attacks, complained to me about her required writing course and her distractability: “It’s boring, I hate writing, and the teacher has a monotonous voice that puts me to sleep. I pay attention to any little thing except what’s going on and then, when he calls on me, I am totally lost and embarrassed.” I asked her to make a list of things that distracted her in that class and to bring it to my office for the next session. She reported that, just by noticing where her attention went, she was able to bring herself back to the class discussion more often, and even made a few relevant comments. Paying attention to where your attention goes is similarly effective in handling hyperfocus episodes.
The Unhealthy Costs of Hyperfocus
The experience of hyperfocus differs widely from person to person, because it vacillates from being a helpful tool for productivity and an effective way to escape. Self-care activities such as eating, drinking and using the bathroom may be postponed for hours, resulting in low blood sugar, irritability and fatigue. 
Kieran, age 25, says: “Hyperfocus is confusing. It’s the only time when I get to be more productive at work than anybody else. I can do more in three hours than my neurotypical colleagues get done in twice that time. But, at home, sometimes I zone out while gaming and forget to check my phone for texts or even go to sleep. Then, I’m exhausted the next day.”
Ellie, age 40, explains the value and challenges of hyperfocus: “Hyperfocus is the only time that I feel truly alive. My brain is fully engaged, 100%, time stops, and I’m flying along. But my partner or my co-workers have to poke me in the arm to remind me about lunch or a big meeting. At the end of a good day, with a lot accomplished, I can feel quite energized.”
Change Takes Practice
Although you may finish tasks, some aspects of hyperfocus do not foster healthy productivity. This can be challenging for kids, teens and adults who experience hyperfocus. However, tools for coping with hyperfocus and managing it more mindfully can improve with practice and experience. Michayla, age 33, has learned how to manage hyperfocus better as she has gotten older: “Hyperfocus is when I can do a single task without getting distracted and think only about it. But I also lose touch with my body and don’t notice that I’m hungry, thirsty or need to use the bathroom. As a child, I had so many bladder infections because I never stopped to go to the bathroom. On my home videos, I always have this little pink liquid and a straw with me. It's an antibiotic. That’s how many bladder infections I had. Now, I stop to go to the bathroom, have a drink or eat something so I don’t get dizzy.”
Flow vs. Hyperfocus: Related, but not the same
Everybody experiences flow states at one time or another that are triggered by internal motivation and external situations. These flow states–often called ‘being in the zone,’ refer to heightened intuition and performance, where decisions happen automatically and creative breakthroughs occur. They are positive, desirable and can be cultivated and planned for. Hyperfocus, on the other hand, is typically experienced by people with ADHD and stems from challenges with handling the direction of focus and the depth of attention. Hyperfocus is more unpredictable, it appears intermittently, and it's usefulness varies. When hyperfocus is helpful, it’s usually because somebody has entered into a temporary flow state. If you can identify the difference between your personal states of flow and hyperfocus, you're more likely to optimize your productivity.
4 Tips to Help Adults Better Manage Their Hyperfocus:
1. Identify and investigate:
Learn more about your pattern of hyperfocus by increasing self-awareness.
-
- What does hyperfocus look like for you?
- How long does it occur?
- Do you neglect self-care?
- How do you respond to interruptions?
Notice when you tend to engage in hyperfocus by examining the situation, the environment and your motivation. Are you focusing on an interesting task or avoiding something unappealing? This type of reflection will increase your capacity for metacognition, helping you monitor when hyperfocus takes over. Thoughtful self-evaluation will also help you take action to exit from an episode.
2. Plan and prioritize:
Do a brain dump of all of the tasks in front of you for the day or the week. Then, make another, shorter list where you order the tasks in terms of urgency (do it now because of a deadline) or importance (value and satisfaction with less pressure). Then, break down your day into blocks of time, and assign the urgent tasks first, followed by the important ones. Limit the quantity of the tasks into each block of time so you can reach your goals and feel accomplishment. You can limit the number of tasks by flagging the ones that can be rolled over into tomorrow.
3. Improve time management practices:
Use tools to increase your awareness of time and how it passes. Set up several alerts, using a variety of tools–your phone, your computer, banners across the screen, analog clocks or timers. Work in intervals with planned, structured breaks to keep yourself on track and limit the negative aspects of hyperfocus.
4. Find an accountability buddy:
You don’t have to address the challenging, over-absorbing aspects of hyperfocus alone! Instead, ask someone in your life to check in with you at times when you are prone to hyperfocus. It could be a family member, friend, colleague, or someone you met at an ADHD support group. This can help you break up these hyperfocus periods. If this person also has ADHD, you can support each other with this practice. Helping somebody else with their hyperfocus can assist you with your own focus regulation as well. 
Read more blog posts:
- Recognizing Inattentive ADHD: The 5 Most Overlooked Signs and Helpful Tips for Living with Them
- ADHD and Metacognition: Learning to reflect on your thoughts and experiences with a growth mindset
- Planning and Prioritizing Practices for ADHD Brains: What’s the plan, and when do you start?!
Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:
- The Pros and Cons of Hyperfocus (ADHD Support Group / Q&A)
- ADHD and Metacognition – Executive Functioning Support (ADHD Support Group / Q&A)
ADDitude Webinar Replay - Perfectionism and ADHD: Making ‘Good Enough’ Work for You
Access the recording of the ADDitude webinar by Dr. Saline on 1/19/22:
"Perfectionism and ADHD: Making ‘Good Enough’ Work for You"
Get access to the webinar replay! "In this webinar, Dr. Sharon Saline will explain how to stop setting unreasonable standards, engaging in negative comparisons to others, and criticizing yourself for living with ADHD. You will learn how to understand and manage the root causes of perfectionism, examine the role of imposter syndrome, decrease negative self-talk, and increase your capacity for personal compassion. You will understand how to improve executive functioning skills related to procrastination and productivity, stop reflexive shame, and create techniques for managing stress. With these resources, you’ll begin to nurture the essential resilience of a growth mindset and accept yourself as you truly are — perfectly imperfect." In this free, hour-long webinar, you will learn to:
- Understand the relationship between anxiety, perfectionism, and ADHD
- Improve executive functioning skills related to procrastination and productivity
- Set realistic expectations based on previous successful experiences
- Develop techniques for addressing imposter syndrome, fear of failure, and shame
- Increase the capacity for mindful self-compassion and self-acceptance
Parenting Neurodivergent Kids with a Growth Mindset: How you can take 'failure' out of your vocabulary
With the start of a new year comes an opportunity to pivot. This year, I’m recommending that you eliminate the word ‘failure’ from any description of your parenting and replace it with 'efforting.' Failure is generally defined as a lack of success, and there’s a finality associated with it that doesn’t really apply to the long-haul process of parenting. Parenting is a journey marked by highs and lows, joy and frustration, closeness and disconnection. Parenting a child or teen with ADHD, learning differences, anxiety, depression, addiction or other issues means redefining success from what’s put forth in social media, television or films to what makes sense for your family and your particular situation.
What Does 'Successful' Parenting Look Like?
For many neurodiverse families, parenting 'successfully' may mean nurturing a child who accepts their neurodivergent brain, identifies personal strengths and talents, has decent-to-positive self-esteem, and learns strategies for managing the tasks of daily living. It may not center on grades, athletics or other conventional accomplishments. This is a tall order that takes time, repetition, practice and patience. It has nothing to do with the failure mentality of fixed mindsets. Efforting reflects a growth mindset: You try something, see what happens, make adjustments, and try again. Efforting reflects the adage “Practice makes perfect,” rather than assuming that anything less than perfection indicates defeat.
The Myth of the Perfect Parent
Being perfect as a parent is a myth that is unachievable and toxic to self-worth. Perfectionists tend to over-focus on the end result and not the process of getting there. They discount the learning that’s happening and fixate on the accomplishment. But without meeting the end goal, there’s a perception of failure. Instead of worrying about why you can’t make things the way you think they should be, focus on the steadiness of your efforting. This helps you accept your humanity, because the reality is that you will stumble as a parent. It’s how you recover from these fumbles that is worth your time and focus.
Coping with Parenting Guilt and Shame
Sadly, guilt and shame are often the first responses of parents of neurodivergent kids. 
Guilt refers to something that you did. It can lead people to amend their errors, be accountable and make a change. You may feel guilty and say to yourself, “I wish I hadn’t done that” or, “That was a poor choice. Ugh.” You can be accountable for your mistakes, apologize, make amends if appropriate, and move on. Shame, on the other hand, refers to who you are. It pushes people to hide or deny their mistakes and engage in self-loathing. Shame leads people to say negative statements such as, “I’m a bad mother, because I did that” or, “I’m not good enough.” Shame spirals are toxic reactions based on feelings of deficiency that ultimately don’t serve you or your kids. Address these insecurities by practicing self-compassion. Accept that you, like everybody else, will mess up periodically! Stop blaming yourself for things that you can’t control, honor what is, and focus on what you can actually influence.
Letting Kids Learn
Of course, as parents, we don’t want to see our kids struggle. Their pain is so often our pain. It’s lousy to witness your child or teen wrestle with academic, social or emotional issues. You may do your best to ensure that their learning, emotional and physical needs are being met. Yet, they will still experience disappointment, frustration, sadness and jealousy along the winding path of childhood and adolescence to adulthood. That's normal! Our job as parents is to be present, so we can meet our kids where they are–without always fixing things. This, however, is tough for many of us. 
Make a different choice as part of your efforting: Offer your support, your availability for a conversation, or your willingness to do something of their choice. Loving them, letting them figure certain things out, and asking for your opinion is more effective for building self-esteem and self-confidence than telling them what to do.
Avoid Parenting Comparisons
President Teddy Roosevelt famously said: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” In redefining success for yourself as a parent of a neurodivergent child or teen, you’ll surely benefit from avoiding comparisons on social media based on seeing what other people’s crafted lives look like. When you cut back on the habit of 'compare and despair,' you’ll reduce judgment, feel better about yourself, and replace self-criticism with positive self-talk.
10 Positive Self-Talk Phrases to Combat Failure Mindsets
Here’s a list of ten phrases for you to use as you take ‘failure’ out of your mindset and your vocabulary: 1. I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have available to me right now. 
2. I am open to being positive and ready for whatever happens. 3. I have the tools I need, and, if I don’t, I have the ability to find them. 4. It is okay if I make mistakes. Parenting my kids didn’t come with an instruction manual. 5. I will not compare my insides to someone else’s outsides: their struggles may be hidden. 6. I can make a different choice at any moment. 7. I can be my best self in the world and stumble sometimes. 8. Two steps forward and one step back is still forward motion. 9. I don’t have all of the answers, and I am not supposed to. I am learning every day. 10. Oops, there I go again. Let’s pause, regroup and pivot!
Read more blog posts:
- New Year, New Habits, Same ADHD: How to plan for and maintain new habits together, as a family
- Parenting Older Teens with ADHD: Land the helicopter and focus on scaffolding
- Perfectionism and ADHD: Why ‘good enough’ is better than perfect
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
- ADHD and Metacognition - Executive Functioning Support
- How to Deal with & Educate ADHD Doubters
- Sibling Relationships Complicated by ADHD
Seminars, Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/shame/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
ADHD Essentials Podcast: Managing Lingering Pandemic Anxiety with Dr. Sharon Saline
Dr. Sharon Saline joins Brendan Mahan, M.Ed., M.S. on the ADHD Essentials Podcast!
"In this episode, Dr. Saline and [Brendan] talk about the effects of the pandemic on children and families. We discuss the data on mental health pre- and post-pandemic, moral injury, the effect it is having on social skills, and ways to manage the anxiety we're all experiencing." Listen to the episode below, or click here to listen at adhdessentials.podbean.com.
YourTango - 5 Ways People With ADHD Can Forgive Themselves & Release Their Shame
Healthline - The 10 Best Books for ADHD in 2022
Dr. Saline's "What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew" was chosen Best for Parents.
Psychology Today: 3 Steps for Lowering Stress With ADHD
How to create more calm in 2022.
"If you are tired of feeling so much stress in your life, the start of a new year and pressures to create resolutions may only add more tension. These promises for a "better" 2022 often fail because people with ADHD aim for too much change, set unrealistic expectations about performance, and struggle with how to follow through on their goals. Instead of helping, your goals end up being frustrating: They demonstrate yet another way that you can’t measure up and simply add more tension to your days." Read the full article by Dr. Saline!
22 News Mass Appeal - Your tween’s first crush: What can a parent do?
Originally broadcasted here at wwlp.com.https://www.wwlp.com/massappeal/your-tweens-first-crush-what-can-a-parent-do/
Recognizing Inattentive ADHD: The 5 Most Overlooked Signs and Helpful Tips for Living with Them
Inattentive ADHD is one of three types of ADHD (hyperactive-impulsive and combination are the other two types). It is often characterized by difficulties in keeping focused, staying organized and following directions or conversations. These experiences may lead to a sustained pattern of losing things, careless mistakes, and mental fatigue. Unfortunately, these issues are often misunderstood as defiance, lack of comprehension, lower intelligence or laziness. But instead, inattentive ADHD interferes with daily functioning and contributes to increased levels of frustration and lower self-esteem. Therefore, it's important to be able to recognize signs of inattentive ADHD in a person of any age–kids and teens, for integrated support at an early age, but also adults who remain undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. So let's dive into understanding the inattentive ADHD diagnosis and experience, with a focus on five easy-to-miss signs and recommended tips to help you live easier with them.
Inattentive ADHD: Understanding the diagnosis
According to the DSM-5, a diagnosis of inattentive ADHD requires 6 or more symptoms of inattention in children up to age 16, and 5 or more symptoms for ages 17 or older. Symptoms such as difficulty listening, staying focused, or remembering things among others must present for 6 months or longer and differ from expected behaviors for peers of the same age. Common symptoms also include dreaminess, forgetfulness and difficulty paying attention to details. These issues must be chronic or long-lasting and not due to a situational influence or “one-off” experiences. Stress, sleep issues, anxiety and depression or other physical illness can all negatively affect attention and need to be ruled out with a professional evaluation before receiving an inattentive ADHD diagnosis.
Inattentive ADHD vs. non-ADHD inattention
Many people experience varying amounts of inattention in the course of their lives, but for folks with ADHD, inattention is more severe, lasts longer and negatively impacts their ability to perform well at work or school. It also interferes with how well they function socially, due to missing facial cues or parts of conversations. Because symptoms may change over time, and because there’s a wide range between mild/occasional inattention and a diagnosable issue, some signs of inattentive ADHD are easy to miss. The following are the 5 most overlooked signs of inattentive ADHD, as well as some strategies for managing them.
1. Difficulty completing tasks
Finishing projects, chores or homework often reflects a lack of focus or interest but has nothing at all to do with intelligence, laziness or disobedience. Instead, sticking with a task until it's completed reflects a true difficulty with attending to the work at hand, quickly reaching brain fatigue. and struggling with goal-oriented persistence. Low motivation for uninteresting tasks creates further obstacles and adds another layer of complication for getting things done.
TIPS:
These strategies help both children and adults who struggle with sustained focus and perseverance:
- Try chunking tasks by breaking them down into small pieces. If it's still difficult to begin or pursue, then the task needs to be even smaller.
- Establish specific timed work periods with built-in timed breaks based on how long your child (or you) can concentrate before becoming distracted.
- Identify a preferred order of doing tasks. Is it starting with something easy to get going, then doing the hard thing and finishing with medium one? What tasks or subjects are easy, medium or hard?
2. Forgetfulness
Working memory challenges often result in missed appointments or meetings, turning in work or forgetting to do a chore or run an errands. They also make follow-through more difficult resulting in issues with showing up for school, personal or professional responsibilities. Ashamed and embarrassed, people who wrestle with forgetfulness may be labeled as 'stupid,' 'uncaring' or 'irresponsible' when they struggle with biologically-based problems with recall.
TIPS:
Instead of judging your memory challenges, accept them and engage supports:
- Use technology tools like alarms, notifications, texting, as well as post-its and to-do lists as reminders.
- Consider putting a laminated note in a backpack to remind your child or teen of what needs to be there.
- Use cues such as family calendars or daily responsibility lists/charts to guide kids and trigger their memory for what to do next. This also helps with improving organization and planning.
3. Spaciness/distractedness
With an inattentive ADHD brain, you are easily pulled to think about something other than the task at hand. This is a common occurrence. Perhaps you get distracted by a “new shiny object,” the snow drifting outside of your window, or squeaking noise of the heater in your office. Your child may drift off into thoughts about lunch or playing a video game during their math exam. This tendency for distractedness makes it tougher to stay on point and complete the activities of daily living, homework or job responsibilities. Plus, many people with inattentive ADHD may process information more slowly than they actually comprehend it, making them feel perpetually behind and overwhelmed. It takes longer to sort through and digest information.
TIPS:
Slow things down and allow extra time for completing tasks:
- Improve accountability by using lists and reminders. Set alerts or banners to flash across your phone, iPad or computer to help you stay on task (or find an app to do this for you).
- Practice mindfulness with family (or individual) meditation or yoga to increase awareness about where attention is and where it is not.
- Create a coping strategy for the return from a mental drift to avoid panic and shame.
4. Trouble listening and/or following directions
Following instructions or tracking conversations can be tough for many kids and adults with inattentive ADHD. Whether there's an auditory processing issue, a working memory challenge or information overload, when someone is talking (visual, sensory and sound), it may seem like someone isn't listening, doesn't respond appropriately or can't stay present. They may drift off and then ask “what?” or say ”yes'' when no one asked a question. Paying attention in a class or meeting and being expected to take notes simultaneously may seem impossible with words and sentences omitted and replaced by doodles. These are not willful, oppositional behaviors, but rather signs that someone cannot effectively process or retain information.
TIPS:
- Use “The Rule of 3” when giving instructions to make sure you’ve been heard and understood. Repetition helps information move down the memory line and become imbedded.
- Set up mandated academic and ADA work supports, such as a note-taker, pre-recorded lectures or written copies of presentations and lessons. This makes listening about hearing what is said instead of adding another task such as writing to it.
- In a social situation, ask a buddy who understands ADHD and the tendency to drift to help with focus and fill in the gaps about something you missed.
5. Disorganization
If you lose your keys or misplace a report or homework assignment, you are not alone. Difficulty keeping track of stuff is a frequent indicator of inattentive ADHD. When someone struggles with disorganization, they often feel overwhelmed, embarrassed and confused. Figuring out where to begin the process of categorizing, cleaning and tidying up can seem insurmountable, akin to climbing Mt. Everest.
TIPS:
Follow my father's golden rule: Everything has a place. This used to drive me crazy as a kid but now I see the wisdom of his ways. Make a place for things and create organizational systems that you or your child can actually follow. Keep these simple, straightforward and logical to the ADHD brain. It may not make sense to anyone else, and that's fine!- Create regular routines with specific steps for cleaning a bedroom or tidying up the living room, write them down and post them on the refrigerator. Don't rely on recall/memory to kick in and direct the show.
- Use incentives to provide motivation if necessary. Consider setting aside a particular time of day or day of the week just for organization, such as an evening clean sweep after dinner or a Saturday morning bedroom clean-up.
Read more blog posts:
- ADHD Misconceptions: How to respond to 4 damaging false beliefs and assumptions about ADHD
- The Truth about ADHD in Girls, and 5 Ways You Can Help
- Celebrate ADHD Awareness Month by Accepting the Wonderful Uniqueness of Living with ADHD
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
- How Do I Support My Daughter with ADHD? | ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline
- Help Your Kid Overcome School Anxiety | Operation Parent Webinar with Dr. Saline
- How to Deal with & Educate ADHD Doubters | ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline
MSN - 10 Ways Neurodiverse Folks Can Have Deep, Thoughtful & Easy Conversations With Anyone
Read the article on MSN! Read the article featured on YourTango. Read the original blog post here. 
YourTango - 10 Ways Neurodiverse Folks Can Have Deep, Thoughtful & Easy Conversations With Anyone
Read the article featured on YourTango! Read the original blog post here. 
New Year, New Habits, Same ADHD: How to plan for and maintain new habits together, as a family
Happy New Year! As we welcome 2022, it’s natural for most people to consider what worked last year and what you’d like to do differently in the months to come. You might be considering how can you reduce work or family stress and improve the ease in daily living. However, many of us have realized that New Year’s Resolutions often fail–because people aim for too much change, set unrealistic expectations about happiness, and/or struggle with how to follow through on their goals. For folks living with ADHD, it’s especially tough to break down goals into achievable chunks and identify necessary steps for meeting them. Fortunately, working together as a family can make a big impact for everyone. Here's how you can help your family work together to identify, create and maintain meaningful new habits in the year–with collaboration, accountability and encouragement.
New Year, New Habits – But Why?
A New Year’s Resolution isn’t about altering a person’s character; it’s about taking action in a measured way to promote more ease and satisfaction in daily living. Take the time to emphasize this with your family, and focus on changing behaviors rather than criticizing personal flaws. You are working together and modeling that everyone has aspects of their life that can benefit from some tinkering.
ADHD and New Year's Resolutions
When you add in typical ADHD challenges with time management, organization and planning, well-intentioned hopes for 2022 may dissolve quickly and fade away. New Year's Resolutions can become another way that people with ADHD feel they 'don’t measure up.' This year, do something different: Pick just ONE habit to focus on, and practice self-compassion as you work on it. Allow yourself and your children to stumble and regroup along the way. This is where the strengths that come with being there for each other as a family can really shine through.
Choosing Your Goal: One New Habit
1. Choose a practical time frame
You don’t have to set your goal for the entire year: that may be too long. What about a goal for three months, with a specific date to assess progress? Or would weekly goals foster a better sense of progress?
2. Tap into a 'growth mindset'
Then, look at your mentality. The process of change relies on having a growth mindset. A growth mindset establishes that being human means living and learning: you will make mistakes, and, instead of berating yourself or your kids for their fumbles, you pause, regroup and tweak what you are doing. It’s this capacity to pivot that encourages us to keep going and keep growing. Habits take time and practice, especially if we are trying to undo something that’s familiar–even if it’s not working.
3. Choose ONE habit to focus on
Now, look around your life--your house, your job, your relationships, your routines--and select the ONE thing that really triggers you. Ultimately, family goals work best when they are collaborative. Try to choose a goal that matters to your kids or your partner, and make sure it includes something that matters to you for the best result. Choose something about your life that you’d like to see run more smoothly (e.g. family meals or bedtime rituals), result in less conflict (e.g. homework or chores) or help you be your better self (e.g. positive attitude, punctuality or patience). Write this habit down.
4. Collaborate with your family
Next, in a calm moment (maybe after dinner or on a Sunday morning), ask your kids and/or your partner to do the same. Write all of these down, add your own to the list, and then explore any overlap. Perhaps you share a family goal of smoother starts to the day, you want to have more patience, and your teen son wants less nagging. See how various goals could fit together.
5. Fine tune your goals: Be specific
As you examine your joint list, rule out items that seem like fantasy or appear too vague. Make things as specific as possible. For example, being more organized is a great goal, but it isn’t precise enough to lead you or your child to do anything differently. Whereas being more organized with your homework, about your bills, or with your clothes are all more exact and will likely result in more success.
Creating a Game Plan
Having a goal for less yelling is great, but that alone is not linked to action, and is therefore harder to do. What you need to do is identify the situations where yelling occurs, and then break down the contributing factors. 
For instance: If there’s a lot of arguing about ending a video game when screen time is finished, then the issue is stopping something fun and how to shift to something else. - What can you do to give more effective warnings or reminders about the upcoming transition? - What would a logical consequence be for having a meltdown? - How can your child cope with their frustration in a different way? When you identify steps to support these goals, you create concrete actions towards accomplishing them.
Making New Habits Stick: Follow Through & Maintenance
Accountability 
Create a plan of accountability based on pre-planned, reoccurring family meetings to evaluate progress and make any needed changes. Put these on your calendar in your phone, and on the family schedule too. Steadiness The key to being successful with your ONE new year’s resolution is steadiness. Of course, persistence can be tough for folks with ADHD, so do the best you can. Avoid expectations of perfection, and lean into being 'good enough' instead. Rather, practice mindful self-compassion towards yourself, your children or your partner in the midst of 'efforting' to change. Encouragement Words of encouragement offer crucial support and stave off defeatist, negative self-talk. Use technology for helpful reminders and prepare to repeat cues for your kids. Don’t give up when it becomes hard or you forget to do it. Instead, recalibrate and start again.
Here’s to a healthier and happier new year for all!
Read more blog posts:
- Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
- Perfectionism and ADHD: Why ‘good enough’ is better than perfect
- ADHD in the New Year: Grow Something Good
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
Deeper Dive: Resources in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
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