Starting Tasks with ADHD: How to help kids and teens feel motivated to get the ball rolling!

Have you ever asked your teen with ADHD to start their homework--over and over--and, still, they don't sit down to do it? Even if they're failing the class, and it means they won’t be able to play on the basketball team? Even if it means that they won’t be able to go out on Friday night? It’s hard not to become immensely frustrated with their behavior at this point. But, most often, starting tasks with ADHD is challenging because they lack the motivation, either internal or external, that would get them going. How can you, as their parent, assist them in developing much-needed motivation?

Internal vs. External Motivation: Getting to the starting line

Let’s first reflect on ourselves and what helps us do things.

It’s easy to do something you like, whether it’s reading an engrossing novel or playing tennis on a sunny day. It is MUCH harder to do something that you don’t like, such as folding laundry or taking out the trash.

When a task is fundamentally unrewarding or uninteresting, we are not very compelled to do it. We lack internal motivation.

When a task doesn’t have meaningful deadlines or immediate consequences to get us started (i.e. your boss expects the report tomorrow), it lacks external motivation. In both cases, we have to find something to get us going, and neurotypical adult brains rely on fully matured frontal lobes to do so.

Why your child or teen with ADHD struggles to start tasks

Children and teens with ADHD have not yet developed the executive functioning skills to overcome poor focus, disinterest or boredom to get unpleasant tasks done. They often do not possess the strategies or solutions to address either internal or external motivation deficits. If something seems unappealing, they turn away from it--even if the consequences are serious.

Most kids have to rely on external rewards to rouse themselves. Internal motivation, and the satisfaction a person receives when a dreaded task is completed, comes later– in early adulthood. So children and teens need help from adults in their lives to create external rewards that are both meaningful and encouraging.

3 simple steps to get your child with ADHD feeling MOTIVATED:

1. Talk about the concept of external motivation

Most ADHD children and teens will acknowledge when they struggle with focusing and what tasks lack inherent interest or value for them. Ask what has assisted them in doing such things in the past and what would entice them to do them now.

2. Decide in advance with your child what the rewards will be for finishing something that is difficult to do

For example, if your son finishes his history project on time, maybe he can go out for pizza with his friends. Or, if he works for 30 minutes, he can earn 10 minutes of social media or music time.

Do not remove the agreed upon reward if he engages in a separate behavior that you don’t like. If he earned the reward for doing the agreed-upon activity, then he should have it.

3. Break the task down

Remember: Most ADHD kids and teens have a great deal of difficulty starting something unpleasant because the task seems too large. Break it down into smaller components with timed rest periods during which your child or teen can engage in a desired activity.

Putting it all into practice: Helping your kid with ADHD start tasks -- without the arguments.

Let’s say, for example, your 12 year old daughter’s room is a mess. It's been in this state for a few weeks now, and you're anxiously waiting for her to at least get started on cleaning it up.

Your perspective:

Now, as an experienced adult who has cleaned many rooms in your lifetime, you can easily see what needs to get done--especially if you're neurotypical. You can quickly imagine an order in which she could complete the steps and about how long each task would take.

You can also imagine the final product: a beautiful, comfortable and welcoming bedroom. It's a delightful, desirable, intrinsically motivating outcome that would keep you pushing through the tedious tasks of cleaning and organizing.

Your daughter's perspective:

Your neurodivergent daughter, on the other hand, doesn't see the task of cleaning her room from your perspective. She has a harder time seeing the project in small steps and is immediately overwhelmed with the thought of starting anywhere.

It seems like there's too much to handle because there's more than she can tackle at one time. She's having a hard time seeing the smaller steps involved that she could work on here and there. She's also struggling to imagine organizing her room more efficiently. With school books to read, friendships to grow and soccer games to win, she's not focusing on a cleaning project that involves more internal motivation than external.

Step 1: Before approaching her about your concern, ask yourself it it's the right time.

Are you going to push the topic because of your discomfort of walking by a messy room, or because you think a more organized room would genuinely help her?

Is she is the right headspace to consider tackling her room? For instance, it wouldn't be best to bring up the topic during a day that she's feeling stressed about an upcoming exam. And, even if you're familiar with the mood-boosting effects cleaning and organizing can bring, don't ask her to focus on cleaning her room when she's in a low mood after a disagreement with a friend. Unless they know they enjoy cleaning, another activity would be more comforting in that moment. For someone who has ADHD, feeling physically, mentally or emotionally drained will only make it more difficult for them to engage their executive functioning skillset.

Step 2: Bring up your concern, and listen to her side of the story, too.

Sit down with your daughter and discuss your concern with her bedroom. Ask her how she feels about it. Does it bother her? Does she have a method of organization that works for her, even if you don't understand it? Help her understand the potential benefits of a clean, inviting room; for herself, her guests and your family. See if she feels a difference between walking into a clean room (you can use yours as an example) and a disorganized room.

Step 3: Brainstorm a plan and solutions to any organizational changes that need to be addressed.

If she's feeling stuck with where to start, write a list of the smaller steps that make up the project as a whole. Ask if there are ways you can help reorganize her room. Is it time for a bigger bookshelf? Can you offer a trip to the local donation center to drop off some old clothes and free up more space in her closet?

Step 4: Build on external motivation.

Rather than promising more items that will only add to the organization project, perhaps plan a fun weekend outing together when you can drop off the clothes. You can pick up some ice cream or stop by their cousin's house for a visit. What is an activity that she'll genuinely enjoy, and perhaps help you both connect more positively?

Step 5: Plan how long you'll tackle each step.

Think realistically together about how long she can actually work before she gets distracted. Let’s say, 20 minutes. Set up three 20 minute work periods with 5 minute movement, snack or bathroom breaks.

Remember, your child or teen might need help figuring out where to begin, or they might want you to stay in their room to help guide them through the process. Your skills, ideas and encouragement can be a key to their success! Good luck with your efforts, and let's get started!!

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Read more blog posts:

• Planning and Prioritizing Practices for ADHD Brains: What’s the plan, and when do you start?!
• Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
• ADHD and Motivation: How stress reduces productivity and what you can do about it

Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline's YouTube Channel:

• • Initiating and Completing Tasks with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
  • Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
  • 4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)

Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Totto Learning: Are you worried your child has ADHD? Here are the next steps.

Hear how Dr. Sharon Saline explains what the first few steps as a parent you can do if you are worried that your child has ADHD and learn best practices for better parenting. -  Totto Learning. Watch the video: [embed]https://youtu.be/ADj4Dyu2Xcc[/embed]  

Totto Learning: Symptoms of ADHD in Children

Dr. Sharon Saline discuss symptoms of ADHD in children with Totto Learning. Watch the video: [embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6bTAhfWkUI[/embed]  

22 News Mass Appeal: Know the bullying warning signs

(Mass Appeal) – Every kid will experience some type of bullying in their childhood. Today on Mass Appeal, we discuss what you should be aware of for warning signs and what you can do to stop and prevent it. Clinical psychologist, Dr. Sharon Saline, breaks down the important facts to know. Originally broadcasted here at wwlp.com.

 

Planning and Prioritizing Practices for ADHD Brains: What's the plan, and when do you start?!

Does it ever seem like you have way too much to do, and every task looks equally important and daunting? Many kids and adults with ADHD struggle to figure out what the order of doing things should look like and how to get started. This contributes to the common experience of feeling overwhelmed. There often needs to be a crisis or something unpleasant will occur if you don’t do the task right now. Planning and prioritizing are executive functions that are closely related to organization, time management and initiation. However, these skills can be improved individually, and here are some practices to help get you started.  

The Core Principles of Prioritizing

Before learning techniques to help you (and your kids) decide what to do, in which order and when to begin, let’s look at the fundamental principles of prioritizing: urgency and importance. Urgent tasks cause us to react immediately and stop whatever else we are doing to attend to them. Urgency reflects a time pressure or a deadline. Important tasks represent the significance we attribute to something. They also reflect our life values and guide us towards our purpose and goals.

How we prioritize things, and understand their relevance, depends on two connected factors:

1. 1. 1. The first revolves around when something needs to be accomplished and why it needs to be accomplished, based on what we know about it.
      2. The second factor involves emotion: our brain calls up any conscious or unconscious memories about this task (or something like it) from our lived experience. The feelings that go with these memories contribute to how we rate the significance of the task, its interest to us and its inherent rewards.

When we are faced with prioritizing activities, these two factors work together to engage or bore us.

Urgent and Important: Learning the Eisenhower Matrix

The Eisenhower Matrix was developed my President Dwight D. Eisenhower to assist him in choosing which of the many tasks to focus on each day and make difficult decisions. This matrix can be very useful to folks living with ADHD as a tool to help them think about the ways that they prioritize certain items while putting others off.

Here is my adaptation of The Eisenhower Matrix:

• • Quadrant 1: Spending time in Q1 means living in crisis mode. Many kids and adults with ADHD live here or put things off until they wind up with emergencies. The intensity of urgency and importance helps motivate them to get things done, but they wind up with lots of stress.
  • Quadrant 2: Time in Q2 feels like being in the flow; you are setting goals for yourself, making plans and following through.
  • Quadrant 3: When you struggle with managing interruptions and setting boundaries, you probably spend time in Q3.
  • Quadrant 4: Q4 is the home of distractions--everything you do to avoid the task at hand.

Spend time reflecting on the following questions:

- Where do you spend your time? - In which quadrant does your child or teen hang out? - How can you spend more time in Q2 and less time in Q1 and Q4?

To improve the ability to prioritize, we have to strengthen our capacity to determine time pressures (deadlines); schedule plans, work, homework, personal projects, chores and errands, and then reasonably estimate how long something will take and rely on a system of organization. Then, you’ll have to break tasks down into small enough, bite-sized chunks to get started on them. This typically means using the exact executive functioning skills that are naturally challenging for ADHD brains.

4 Steps To Approach Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD:

1. Do a brain dump:

Many folks with ADHD attempt to hold all of their to-do items in their head or write them on several pieces of paper which they then cannot find. Centralize this process. Pick one location for your lists: your phone, your computer or iPad or a notebook. Sit down and take two deep breaths: breathe in for 4, hold for 4 and breathe out for 6. Now, write down everything you can recall that you need to do. You probably won’t get everything in one sitting--that’s fine. You can come back and add things as necessary. 

2. Assign time and importance values to your tasks:

Pick a time value (when is this due?) and an importance value (how critical or significant is this?) for each of these items in order to prioritize them. This is where most kids and adults with ADHD get stuck. Everything seems equally critical, unless there’s a real emergency that’s pressing. I’ve created this chart with some examples to help you create your own. You can also use Post-it notes to help you move things around and schedule them.

TASK	DUE DATE	SIGNIFICANCE	PRIORITY NUMBER
Laundry	None	I have no clean socks	2
Work Report/History Project	Friday - in 2 days	Performance/50% grade	1
Making dentist appointment	Haven’t had a teeth cleaning in 2 years	Cavities, gum disease or other concerns	3

To decide the priority number, ask yourself these questions:

- What will happen if I don’t do this? - What will happen if I do this? - Which task am I leaning towards avoiding?

The more you don’t want to do something, the more likely that it’s important to start. These answers are usually very personal. Some people might rank making the dental appointment over the socks and will wear a used pair again. For me, I prefer clean socks and I can make the dental appointment when I’ve started the laundry. 

3. Make an accountability buddy, or be a body double:

It’s usually easier to determine your priorities when you have support. Having someone to discuss ideas with or talk through urgent and important issues can be extremely helpful to kids and adults with ADHD. Planning and prioritizing are executive functioning skills that really benefit from direct instruction, so having another person there to assist you is essential.

As adults, think about a friend or family member who can support you as you do the laundry, clean up the kitchen or break down the steps to approach your work report. With kids, you are that buddy.

Become a body double: sit with them while they pick up their clothes from the floor and fold the clean stuff. Or, review their brain dump and talk through how to choose where to start.

4. Be patient and persistent:

Planning and prioritizing on a regular basis takes practice and time. Expect to stumble and feel frustrated. This is a tough skill to learn and practice makes progress! Most people, with and without ADHD, struggle with this skill so be kind to yourself and compassionate with your kids as you embark on improving it.

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Read more blog posts:

• Teens, ADHD and Procrastination
• Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
• Perfectionism and ADHD: Why 'good enough' is better than perfect

Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline's YouTube Channel:

• Initiating and Completing Tasks with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
• Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
• 4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)

Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

YourTango: 3 Steps To Achieve Tone Of Voice Awareness In Neurodiverse Families So All Members Are Comfortable And Safe

"What is a tone of voice and how does it affect neurodiverse families Neurodiverse families often struggle with emotional reactivity and verbal impulse control. Negative feelings and unpleasant words can intensify in the blink of an eye. Still, when the moments arise, it's hard enough to calm down your own emotions — let alone, the emotions of your child, teen, or partner."

Click here to read Dr. Saline's article on YourTango. Click here to read the original blog post by Dr. Saline.

The Local Moms Network - The Pandemic & ADHD: Why More Moms Are Being Diagnosed

"Mothers are multi-taskers and doing many things or being responsible for engineering the lives of their children can be overwhelming. When women feel overwhelmed more often than not, when they have difficulty organizing themselves and their children, when they lose their tempers and/or patience more than they would like, when they feel persistently anxious or depressed, when they have trouble making and keeping friends—these are all indications that ADHD may be present,” says Sharon Saline, Psy.D.

Click here to read the article, featuring Dr. Saline!

Cooling Down Conversations in Neurodiverse Families: De-escalate and do-over with 'WAIT-Now' and 'Take Back of the Day'

Have you ever said something to your child or teen that you wished you could take back? In the heat of the moment, it’s all too easy to let our emotions take over instead of choosing our words carefully. Most parents lose their cool at one time or another. Similarly, many neurodiverse kids and teens who struggle with impulsivity and self-regulation can say things they wish they hadn’t. Cooling down conversations once they've heated up doesn't come easy for most people. Jesse, age 14, told me: “Sometimes I interrupt too much. I can reign it in if I need to, but I’m not always aware that I’m doing it.” We all have said the wrong thing during a stressful conversation, instantly regretted it, and wished for a “do-over” button. That’s why I created two tools to help you and your family better manage escalations and improve communication.

Cooling Down Conversations with Two Main Strategies

The WAIT-Now method helps you and your child take that needed pause to reconsider what you’re saying, why you’re saying it, and how you might be able to express yourself differently. Instead of blowing your cool and regretting it later, you’ll practice regaining control of the conversation, staying calm and communicating more effectively. If and when something regrettable is said, Take Back of the Day allows everyone in the family one opportunity to take it back, reconsider it, offer an apology if desired and restate what was on their mind. Family members accept this offering, practice forgiveness, and move on past the friction. Let’s take a closer look at each of these tools and how to apply them.

De-escalate with the "WAIT-Now" method

The WAIT-Now Method stands for: "Why Am I Talking Now?" It is an approach that teaches self-control by focusing on self-evaluation (metacognition).

How it works:

Rather than giving in to your automatic response in a tense or uncomfortable situation with your kids, you de-escalate by actively telling yourself to WAIT. Notice what you are saying to your child or teen, how they are responding and where the conversation is headed. If it’s going downhill, pause and ask yourself these questions:

• • Why am I talking now?
  • Do I need to be saying this?
  • Is this a one-way lecture or a two-way conversation?

How do we notice what’s going on with the other person in the conversation What are the signs that someone is paying attention to you or has drifted off? By slowing down to self-reflect, you become better equipped to manage the situation and respond to your child’s needs at that moment. Cooling down conversations relieves the tension so you can listen and respond more intentionally. Moreover, WAIT-Now offers you an opportunity to demonstrate, model, and teach your child how to think through choices about what they say and when they say it.

Why it helps:

Many children, especially neurodiverse kids, struggle with communicating, managing their emotions and picking up social cues. We, as their loving parents, must guide them toward better outcomes, teaching them by example. As children move into adolescence, stress, conflict, and anxiety become more common. Teens experiment and try new things, learning what works for them and what doesn’t along the way. They vacillate between pushing parents away and then relying on them. It’s confusing for everyone, and often results in a terrain of emotional minefields. The bottom line is that neurodiverse kids with executive functioning challenges, just like kids without them, want to feel heard. In fact, they seek this more often than they want solutions. They lash out at you because you are a safe arena to express their frustration. The WAIT-Now Method helps enable our children to manage their own big emotions. It fosters a more peaceful, constructive and mutually-respectful environment for your family.

The WAIT-Now method is for the whole family.

Teaching WAIT-Now starts with a calm conversation with your child or teen. Explain what it is and why it’s a technique worth trying. Emphasize that this is something your whole family can work on, parents and children alike. When we frame a new experience or approach in a way which highlights the benefits for our child or teen, they are more likely to be receptive.

Here’s the tough part for parents: We need to practice this skill set so our kids can feel what it is like to receive it.

Kids who shut down during an argument because they feel lectured or nagged are demonstrating important things: overwhelm and exclusion. Cooling down these conversations is just as important as calming ones fueled with anger. Their shutting down behaviors show that they can’t take in any more information, or they sense that their input doesn’t matter. When you see these signs, pause and assess why you are talking. Should you say everything you are thinking? Listen to your kids and reflect back what you hear them say. This is typically a more effective intervention than telling them what to do. It honors who they are and what makes sense to them. It shows you are attuned to their needs and goes a long way in building trust and closeness between parent and child.

Take back and try again with a "Take Back of the Day"

You can build upon WAIT-Now by establishing a practice I call "Take Back of the Day." You get one do-over, and take back something you regret saying.

How it works:

Model for your children how to admit to your mistakes and how to move forward with care and grace. Apologize if need be, and offer up a different approach or more carefully chosen words. We all do or say the wrong thing now and again, and taking responsibility for our failings is a crucial life skill. Show your child how to recover from hurtful words or actions in a loving and respectful manner. When you practice and teach the WAIT-Now method and its companion, Take Back of the Day, you empower your child to learn to monitor and express themselves differently. Cooling down heated conversations will come easier for all of you. WAIT-Now and Take Back of the Day foster the listening, compassion and engagement neurodiverse kids and their families need to live with more closeness and better communication.

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Read more blog posts:

• Tone of Voice Awareness in Neurodiverse Families: How to practice self-regulation in family conflicts
• ADHD and Anger: Tools for Reducing Family Conflict by Starting with Yourself
• Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Mediate Sibling Relationships Complicated by ADHD

Watch on YouTube:

• ADHD and Oppositional Defiance (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
• Anger Management with ADHD (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
• How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)

Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/apologies/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

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Tone of Voice Awareness in Neurodiverse Families: How to practice self-regulation in family conflicts

Neurodiverse families often struggle with emotional reactivity and verbal impulse control. Negative feelings and unpleasant words can intensify in the blink of an eye. Still, when the moments arise, it's hard enough to calm down your own emotions -- let alone the emotions of your child, teen or partner. Where do you even start? When that tone of voice (the one you're all too familiar with) enters the picture, you can use the quick and direct steps of "T.O.V." to help initiate a process of self-reflection and self-regulation for your family and yourself. Tone of voice awareness takes practice, but it's a skill that will improve family communication and connections for years to come.

Family conflict: A familiar story

You are almost finished cooking dinner, a meal you've been planning since your last shopping trip a few days ago. You made sure to plan a meal that the whole family can enjoy, taking into account your son's eating specifications. Everyone has had a rough week transitioning back into school mode. On top of that, work has been a bit overwhelming. You've been dealing with headaches on and off, and are ready for some quiet time. You have been looking forward to this meal all week, if not only to have some quality time with your family. You go to pull the roast out of the oven and call the kids in to help prepare the table. Your daughter comes in and begins to work with place settings. You call your son in - for the third time - and he stomps in, muttering about how he wasn't able to finish the level in his video game.

You remind him he has plenty of time after dinner to wrap up his game and save it. In the middle of your sentence, you hear a commotion, high-pitched screech. You turn, and the kids are going at it. "She took my favorite cup!" he yells. They begin to chase each other around the kitchen.

You huff as you try to get the food from your prep station to the table without tripping over them. "If you had come in to help when I first called, you could have chosen your favorite cup." "It's not fair!" he screams, and hits his fist on the table, scattering silverware and causing a side dish to fall. Your heart rate spikes, your face flushes. You want to scream, but you know you have to set a good example. Your headache increases in intensity.

How did your easygoing family evening escalate into this?

Why can't your son use another of your many drinking glasses? When will he learn to modulate how he expresses himself and be more cooperative? Why did you allow yourself to be upset by him in the first place? You're aware that impulsivity and emotional dysregulation are challenges for your neurodiverse family. And yet, here you are again, ready to pull your hair out.

Enter: Tone Of Voice Awareness

So often, neurodivergent kids aren't really aware of how they say things. They might have difficult understanding how what they say (and how they say it) can affect others. They might need guidance learning how to slow down and reflect on what they just expressed. But, since they are often sensitive to criticism, direct feedback can frequently backfire. Discussing the impact of their tone of voice allows your child - and your entire family - to reflect for themselves on how they can say something in a more impactful way. It also allows them to have more tone of voice awareness around their thoughts before they communicate them. Incorporating T.O.V. allows kids to practice several skills simultaneously: emotional regulation, verbal and behavioral impulse control, planning, shifting and personal insight (metacognition). So, where does this lesson start?

How to improve tone of voice (T.O.V.) awareness for more effective family communication

Step 1: Introduce the concept naturally.

Introducing T.O.V. won't be very helpful unless it is introduced at a time when everyone is willing to listen and learn. In a calm moment, you explain to your neurodivergent child or teen that sometimes everyone needs help with improving tone of voice awareness and learning how their words and their tone of voice affect others.

If you have multiple children, it is important to include everyone in the conversation. This will make everyone feel like they are an equal part of the conversation, and will keep you from singling anyone out. Let them know that you will be saying "T.O.V." out loud when you think they should reflect on how they are speaking to someone. Allow them a minute or two to practice their tone of voice awareness and pivot how they are speaking. Encourage them to try again.

Step 2: Be prepared that it might not always work immediately.

If your child or teen can't manage their emotions enough to change their communication style, then encourage a timed break. Allow them - and yourself - personal space to breathe and regroup. Many times, a 10-15 minute break is all it takes. But be prepared for it to take a little longer, depending on everyone's headspace.

Step 3: Be willing to forgive and move on.

When your child or teen is successful in practicing tone of voice awareness and adjusts how they are speaking to you, your job is to appreciate their efforts, accept their attitude adjustment, and move forward. Positive steps in the right direction include speaking slower or quieter and using more polite, less aggressive, language. Let them know how much their attitude adjustment means to you. Positive reinforcement is very important, especially in any child/adult relationship.

Remember, T.O.V. is a tool for everyone.

As much as you may be using "T.O.V." to help improve your child's communication efforts, you need to know your kids could call you out, too! How you respond to this is incredibly important. A good approach is to acknowledge your feelings, or laugh and admit that you are also capable of messing up. While you don't want to create an environment where everyone is calling out "T.O.V." constantly, you do want to lead by example in combative situations, and take the opportunity to practice tone of voice awareness for yourself! Be selective when you use it, and they will be encouraged to do so as well. More than anything, it's important to realize that everyone is human. You can only react to things as your mood allows, and making sure you set everyone up with the proper tools to learn and grow through the aggressive moments can be very impactful.

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Read more blog posts:

• Cooling Down Conversations in Neurodiverse Families: De-escalate and Do-over with 'WAIT-Now' and 'Take Back of the Day'
• ADHD and Defiance during COVID: What can you do instead of yelling?
• Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Mediate Sibling Relationships Complicated by ADHD

Watch on YouTube:

• ADHD and Oppositional Defiance (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
• Anger Management with ADHD (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
• How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)

https://drsharonsaline.com/product/managing-technology-families-video/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

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Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!

Projects can be difficult. Whether you're putting off a project, or just slugging through each part of it over the course of what seems like months, a new undertaking can really drain you. No matter how small a project, or how large a task, we have all experienced anxiety around completing something, especially if we or a loved one have ADHD. Fortunately, personal project planners can really help to diminish the overwhelm. The goal of using any planner is to provide structure for planning, prioritizing, and sequencing aspects of executive functioning skills. These are the processes that get you from the beginning to the end of a task. Different types of forms or personal project planners can make a task feel manageable. Here is why.

Beginning tasks can feel impossible, but creative planners can make them fun!

Starting a new task is challenging for everyone on some level. Whether it feels unpleasant or potentially problematic plays a huge role in the amount of energy a task requires. Simple tasks often feel impossible to people with ADHD. Creating steps to move it along, and then completing them can be challenging for people with executive functioning deficits. Having a formula for success can be important, and a personal project planner can do that. While spontaneity is important (and fun) from time to time, it is important to maintain a routine to set expectations and build good habits. This is important for tasks too. Routines offer organization and predictability to kids with ADHD. They comfort them, even if it sometimes seems counter-intuitive. Different designs might spark creativity in some minds, a simple design might feel less chaotic. 

Switching from one task to another can be less daunting with personal project planners.

Kids and adults with ADHD often get overwhelmed when they’re asked to stop one activity and start another. Shifting from one task to another involves executive functioning skills - such as impulse control, cognitive flexibility and organization -that might not come naturally to them. Knowing how to wrap up where they are in a project, remembering where they’re leaving off so they know how to begin again when it’s time to return, and moving onto something new can be incredibly challenging. Having a planner handy to write down tasks, notes and times can help you keep track of where you are and what's next.

Hyperfocus can make tasks more difficult, especially without a schedule.

Many people with ADHD experience hyperfocus, and it can be a very helpful trait for learning, creativity and productivity. It can, however, be detrimental in certain circumstances. While hyperfocusing on a project or activity can lead to great results, it can also make achieving tasks even tougher because of a lack of awareness of how time passes. Think about how time goes fast when you’re having fun, but at a higher level. No matter how many warnings your parent might give, having to stop a computer game or playing hoops with your neighbor to do chores can still come as a shock. Even stopping a task to start another one you think is fun can take time to process. Having a planner to work with can give the mind an easy outline of the tasks ahead. In addition, it offers space to journal out anything that might help you transition into a new thought pattern.

Personal project planners make tasks easier to understand.

Many people with ADHD are visual learners, and learning quirks will happen. Even if the task has been explained thoroughly, and in a way that the person understands, there is often worry and other, perhaps more compulsive, thoughts that can overshadow understanding. Often, scenarios and projects are not explained clearly either. Sometimes all it takes is a quick YouTube tutorial searched online to help you clarify. However, personal project planners give you a space to write notes about the task or draw photos in a way that everyone can understand. No matter what, make sure to engage with the material in a way that suits your particular situation.

Create your own personal project planner

Whether you choose to devote yourself to a working spreadsheet on the computer, your tasking is available in an app, or you invest in paper planners, there is an option for everyone who's interested. (Isn't it great that they make to-do lists and project planners specific to tasks in addition to scheduling planners? And that they're available at almost every retail shop around?) Here is how you can create your own forms that suit your and/or your child’s specific management skills. This will require some - perhaps difficult - effort in the beginning, but it will definitely yield results. My favorite method is a simple but effective form I have used over the years:

1. Gather a pen and a journal or a piece of paper.

2. Choose the topic or task and write that on the top of the paper.

3. Make a grid with 3 vertical columns and several horizontal rows. Label the three columns “Possibilities, Pros, Cons.”

It should look like this:

4. Put any ideas about the project in the possibilities column. Follow this with what you consider good and/or bad about that idea.

For example, if the task is organizing items in the basement, the possibilities list might range from “taking everything to the dump” to “getting rid of anything that I haven’t used in 5 years.”

5. Create the sequential steps needed to accomplish the task using another grid. This grid will have 5 vertical columns and several horizontal rows. Use the labels suggested below, OR create your own!

Make as many numbered rows as required to finish the project, and make the actions as specific as possible. Estimate the time it takes to do a step and then compare that guess with the time that passes. This will help to improve those all-important time management skills as well!

Keep in mind, some people might prefer to have a "Notes" column or journaling area, so that they can work through emotions. This can help them to perhaps explain what they loved or didn't love about communication around the task and what they had to do. This can help everyone stay informed for the next time an opportunity like this comes up! Many kids and adults with ADHD struggle with maintaining structure and practice of task management. However, I have found that my clients ultimately embrace organization tools like personal project planners. Many find them extremely helpful! These “roadmaps” reduce anxiety, clarify goals and build confidence as activities are completed.

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Read more blog posts:

• Feeling overwhelmed by something? Break it down!
• ADHD and Motivation: How stress reduces productivity and what you can do about it
• 5 Tips to Uplevel Your Spring Cleaning and Decluttering

Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline's YouTube Channel:

• Initiating and Completing Tasks with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
• Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
• 4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)

Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

22 News Mass Appeal: Planning successful summer outings with neurodiverse children

(Mass Appeal) – Summer is a time for many families to get away and enjoy time together… but planning a successful family outing can be a challenge for families with neurodiverse kids and teens. Here to help us make the process a little less daunting, is clinical psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline.

Read more and watch the interview.

YourTango: Back To School With ADHD And COVID Uncertainty (Again) - Reprinted

"Just when we thought we’d turned a corner in the COVID war, the virus is rearing its ugly head for another wave. As kids go back to school, uncertainty looms once again. The Delta variant is making all of us more nervous than we might already be. School districts are debating mask mandates and some have returned to remote learning. It’s worrisome for parents and students, many of whom assumed that in-person learning would finally go forward."

Click here to read Dr. Saline's article on YourTango. Click here to read the original blog post by Dr. Saline.

College Opensource - Female Students with ADHD: How IECs Can Help

Article by Eric Endlich, PhD and Sharon Saline, Psy.D. "Nia had been so excited to go to college. She’d been diagnosed with inattentive ADHD in eighth grade and received accommodations such as extra time on tests, preferential classroom seating and getting copies of teachers’ notes. An executive functioning coach assisted her in using a calendar and organizing assignments. Nia worked hard, graduated with a 3.8 GPA and moved into her college dorm with high expectations. Sadly, six months later, she was back home. Depressed, anxious and on academic probation, she’d isolated herself, dropped one class and failed two..."

Click here to read the article.

Healthline - The 10 Best Books for ADHD in 2021

"Whether you’re the parent of a child recently diagnosed with ADHD or an adult seeking new methods for managing ADHD symptoms, there is a wide variety of books for ADHD available to offer you some guidance. Before you can pick up the best book for ADHD that fits your situation, it’s important to understand what you’re looking for. Below, we’ve rounded up the best books for ADHD according to the type of advice and topic you may be looking for, whether that’s a book for managing your own ADHD or solutions for connecting with your ADHD teen."

Dr. Saline's "What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew" was chosen Best for Parents.

Click here to read the article.

Learn Smarter Podcast: Improving Family Connections with Dr. Sharon Saline (Author Series)

"Dr. Sharon Saline, author of What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life, joins Rachel and Steph to discuss her goal of improving the connection between parents and learners with ADHD through improving conversation. She walks them through her 5C’s of parenting which are self-control, compassion, collaboration, consistency, and celebration. They also dive into a conversation about medication."

Click here to listen to the episode.

Return to School with ADHD and COVID Uncertainty (again)

Just when we thought we’d turned a corner in the COVID war, the virus is rearing its ugly head again. As kids go back to school, uncertainty looms once again. The Delta variant is making all of us more nervous than we might already be. School districts are debating mask mandates and some have returned to remote learning. It’s worrisome for parents and students--many of whom assumed that in-person learning would finally take place. When you consider the academic and social challenges for many kids with ADHD, it’s tough to know what to do to stay safe and create viable, rewarding learning experiences for your children and teens. 

Transitions back to school are typically challenging for kids with ADHD, LD, ASD and twice-exceptionality. When these changes are marked by continued concerns about the health of being in classrooms and engaging in social interactions, neurodiverse kids, who already struggle with anxiety and emotional regulation, become more stressed, worried and reactive. As parents, when you are confused about what to do or what to believe, it’s harder to put aside your feelings and be patient with your kids’ numerous questions or concerns. In this time of insecurity and frustration, the best thing you can do is name and work through the struggles.

Check-in with your child or teen about their school concerns

Rather than let this anxiety bleed into all aspects of daily living, pick one time per day for up to 20 minutes to discuss what’s happening. Discuss fears, acknowledge the unknowns and reflect on how you’ve all survived the challenges of the past 18 months.

• • • • • What are some resources you relied on?
        • How did you come together as a family to support each other?
        • What types of decisions did you make previously that could be helpful now?

Let your kids ask questions and, if you don’t know the answer to their questions, tell them you will get back to them tomorrow with a response. When you assign a particular time to talk about a distressing subject, you contain it. This containment helps manage persistent anxiety. 

Here are 5 tips for making back to school with ADHD during COVID go as smoothly as possible:

1. Create predictable, doable routines--together.

Planning ahead reduces the frustration and overwhelm of making transitions for kids with ADHD. There’s no way around this. Some type of daily structure helps kids organize themselves and decreases family conflict. Use a whiteboard, chalkboard or large calendar to collaborate on what’s expected of your child in the morning, after school and before bed.

Keep these action items limited to 3 things so they are not overwhelmed. Kids can check the schedule instead of asking you what’s next so they can move themselves through the tasks. This builds confidence and competence, so they experience success as they start their year.

2. Stay compassionate and consistent.

Transitions are tough for many kids, especially those with ADHD, LD or other mental health challenges. Give them time to practice going to bed and waking up earlier. Brainstorm new ideas for lunch, and listen to their concerns about going back to the classroom and seeing other kids. Offer them choices about their schedule so they have more buy-in.

Your goal is to notice their efforting and aim for steadiness rather than focus on perfection. If they are trying to regulate themselves or do their chores--more times than not--let them know you see their efforts.

3. Address social anxiety without solving it.

As much as you would like to wave your magic wand and make their worries go away, kids need to learn how to deal with their fears and manage them. This is how they develop resilience, and it’s something we’ve all done to get where we are today.

Talk with them about their concern. Be sure to listen, and reflect back what you hear. Try a role play, or brainstorm possible strategies, phrases or responses. Recall past situations when they were nervous about or confronted a friendship issue and identify what helped them get through that tough moment.

The goal is to apply tools from previous challenges where they ultimately succeeded to what they are currently facing. Normalize--don’t minimize--their anxiety, and explore issues related to rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

Most kids and teens, with or without ADHD, feel uncertain at the beginning of school. Saying, “That’s not such a big deal or you’ll be fine” actually doesn’t give them the tools they need. Instead, try, “Of course you are nervous. That’s natural after not seeing people this summer or when you start a new school or have a new teacher.” This validates their experience and simultaneously reduces any shame about their feelings.

4. Make sure specific supports are in place for your alternative learner.

School is often the toughest area of functioning for neurodiverse kids. Make sure all accommodations--any 504’s or IEP plans--are in place.

Plan for an appointment to speak with classroom teachers or guidance counselors before school, and ask if your child can visit their new classroom or school to familiarize themselves with the environment. This will also reduce some anxiety.

Be sure to discuss any social concerns and discuss how you, your student and the school can work together to make this year run smoothly and successfully. Include your student in this part of the meeting so they will have buy-in.

5. Establish a back-up plan.

With so many things in flux, change is inevitable, and pushback and upsets will occur. Rather than being surprised when these occur, take some time to set up some guidelines of how you are going to manage those tense moments in advance of them occurring.

Set aside specific time for a family meeting--when people are calm, fed and awake--for no more than 30 minutes. Brainstorm possible scenarios when things go awry (I suggest using Stop, Think, Act). Agree on responses and talk about consequences for lying, disrespectful language or inappropriate behaviors.

Let your kids take the lead first on what meaningful interventions would look like. It’s useful to hear what they have to say and incorporate it into any plan you create. When you collaborate with them, they’re more likely to participate cooperatively. Write down whatever you decide and, just as you did with the daily plan, post it in a common space. 

Take care of your wellbeing as a parent, too.

Regardless of the stress you feel, you’ve got this! Breathe, go outside for a walk, run or bike ride and practice self-care. Engage the support of your friends and family. This is a time to up-level your self-care.

Remember, when you travel on an airplane, the flight attendant instructs parents to put on their oxygen masks first before putting masks on their children. If you are feeling out-of-control or emotionally reactive with the stress of this COVID and school uncertainty, speak to your primary care provider or find a counselor.

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Read more blog posts:

• Managing Uncertainty With Your Family During COVID-19: More than deep breathing
• ADHD Teens and Remote Learning: 5 Tips for Learning Success
• Returning to School with ADHD: Tips on helping anxious kids transition smoothly

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

• How to Help Your Children Transition Back to School Smoothly (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal interviews Dr. Saline)
• ADHD Students: Tips for Transitioning Back to In-person Learning (ADDitude ADHD Parenting Q&A with Dr. Saline)
• Help Your Kid Overcome School Anxiety (Operation Parent Webinar with Dr. Saline)

Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/online-learning-tips-for-parents-bundle/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Incredible Edibles: 33 Mental Health Experts & Wellness Professionals Share Their #1 Tips for Dealing with Anxiety

"Everyone experiences anxiety from time to time, but for some people, anxiety can be disruptive to their daily lives or even debilitating. If you suffer from anxiety occasionally or regularly, it’s always a good idea to talk to your healthcare provider about possible treatments and therapies that can help you better manage anxiety. However, there are some tools and techniques you can try at home."

Click here to read the article.

22 News Mass Appeal: Tips to help your kids make a smooth transition back to school

(Mass Appeal) – Getting kids ready for the return to school is not an easy task! With the nerves and the new routines, it can be a lot for a child to handle. Here with tips on making the transition back to school a smooth one… is clinical psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline.

Click here to watch the interview.

Responding to ADHD Doubters: Learn history and science that debunks 5 common ADHD myths

It's a sad but true fact. Many people still, even after the surge of ADHD research over the past 30 years, don't believe it's real. Whether they are misinformed about - or deny - the existence of neurodiversity, their denial likely affects you in some way at work, school, religious groups or social functions. Dealing with doubters means educating them instead of responding to them with anger, frustration or avoidance. Whatever blame, shame and criticism you receive from the doubters in your life tarnishes your relationships. When they deny your reality, they minimize your experience. Support yourself and your neurodiverse kids by challenging myths with these facts.

5 myths commonly believed by ADHD doubters, and why they're not accurate:

Myth #1: ADHD is not real.

Actually...

ADHD traits have been recognized and studied for centuries.

The first time a disorder resembling ADHD appears in history is with findings by Scottish physician and author Sir Alexander Crichton in 1798. Since then, reports of ADHD-like traits have been discovered throughout history with neurodivergent explanations and types of treatment. The American Psychiatric Association did not recognize ADHD (as hyperkinetic impulse disorder) until 1968, in its second edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

In fact, it took until 1937 for medication to be formulated for ADHD, and it was discovered completely by accident. Dr. Charles Bradley was originally tasked with creating something that would alleviate headaches in children under the care of staff at Emma Pendleton Bradley Home (now Bradley Hospital in Road Island). It was the first children's psychiatric hospital in the nation.

ADHD has had many names.

Previous names used to identify ADHD before its current definition was set forth include:

• • • • brain-injured child syndrome,
      • hyperkinesis (1968 DSMII),
      • hyperactive child syndrome,
      • and minimal brain dysfunction.

Researchers in the 1970s observed that hyperactive children are likely to experience chronic inattention issues. Both symptoms improved with stimulant medications. Thus, the third edition of the DSM outlined the meaning of ADD in 1980.

More research and awareness has led to more diagnoses.

Because there was a more thorough and accurate diagnostic description, and the terms have become more common in households around the world, official diagnoses started climbing in the 1990s. More parents were able to recognize symptoms in their children. There was also increasing awareness in the medical and expanding mental health fields.

The most recent definition of ADHD was outlined in DSM 5 in 2013. This current description of ADHD in the DSM 5 outlines hyperactivity/impulsivity, inattention and other factors that are specific to people with ADHD. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) gives more details on diagnosis factors, allowing the general public to be better informed when it comes to caring for and interacting with people with ADHD.

Myth #2: ADHD is caused by poor parenting.

Actually...

ADHD is not at all caused by a lack of discipline for children and teens.

ADHD is a biologically based condition. According to the CDC, it is the most common neurodevelopmental disorder of childhood. Additionally, it is the most highly inherited mental health issue reported, as over 50% of adults with ADHD will have a child with ADHD. If one child in a family is diagnosed with ADHD, there is a 33% chance that another child has - or will have - it.

ADHD is not just hereditary. Often, difficulties during pregnancy or premature delivery can cause your child, and other children down the line, to experience symptoms. Prenatal exposure to ethyl alcohol, drugs and tobacco are all exposure risks that could impact the neurodiversity of children. Teach your children about these risks as part of supporting a healthy lifestyle. 

Myth #3: ADHD is over-diagnosed and medication is over-prescribed.

Actually...

More research and awareness has led to more diagnoses.

As we discussed earlier, it was just a few decades ago that the medical community really got a grasp on this condition. A lot of research is recent and ongoing. So, of course, there were fewer diagnoses until more recently. At the time of this article, around 10% of children in the United States are diagnosed, with a reported 5% worldwide. The rate of adult ADHD diagnoses is 6.76% and steadily rising.

Getting an ADHD diagnosis isn't easy.

The ADHD diagnosis process, and what it takes to get there, is complicated and thorough. It’s more than filling out a form. Rather, it involves a complete history and assessment of cognitive abilities, learning capabilities and attention.

Medication for ADHD management is closely regulated.

Medication is more stringently prescribed than in the past. Studies have found that when kids and adults with ADHD are given appropriate medications that work for them, medications reduce the need for substance abuse, or self-medication.

It is important to remember that medications do not help everyone who has ADHD. Some people can’t tolerate the side effects or don’t see noticeable positive changes. Of course, pills don’t teach skills. The most effective treatment has been found to be a combination of medication and cognitive behavior therapy, family dynamic and personal education that includes (sometimes extensive) parent training. 

Myth #4: Most kids with ADHD outgrow it.

Actually...

While children diagnosed with ADHD do have the ability to outgrow it, that is not always the case.

In fact, only around 20% of early diagnoses tend to outgrow their symptoms. In addition, adult ADHD can be more complicated to diagnose, especially in women. Just as the tools to identify ADHD in kids have become more robust over the years, the measures to assess ADHD are better understood and more reliable. However, because of the recency of these developments,  some adults who were told they had ADHD as kids may have been misdiagnosed or their symptoms were (due to a lack of information) completely overlooked in their childhood.

Another very likely factor is that adults have developed personal strengths and habits over the years to help them live more effectively. They simply have more choices and autonomy than children and teens. They can change their environments - home, work and otherwise - and encourage themselves in different, more sophisticated ways. For these reasons, ADHD symptoms may be less likely to interfere with their everyday life.

Myth #5: ADHD is actually a lack of self-discipline.

Actually...

ADHD is a biologically-based disorder related to the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine.

ADHD is a chronic condition marked by many notable symptoms, including persistent inattention, hyperactivity or impulsivity. While these traits can exist in neurotypical children, teens and adults, they are often observed more frequently and at a much higher intensity in those with ADHD compared to others in similar age and cultural groups.

ADHD is often associated with the belief that there is a lack of self-discipline and inability to participate, focus, or achieve. There is an overall misconception that people with ADHD are lazy and unmotivated. It just isn't true. It’s not about laziness or purposeful distractedness. In fact, I don't like the word "lazy" at all!

It is common that people with ADHD focus more easily on things they like or excel at. This is a trait we can all access to some degree, an indescribable satisfaction with a project or outcome. The focus on this idea or that result is derived from an interest in the activity itself, and the satisfaction of the journey. More engaging activities do find more appeal.

People with ADHD often find lengthier pursuits, things that require concentration or more time on the finite, overwhelming and daunting.

These types of activities include work meetings, classroom lectures, loud events or shows, homework and an array of athletic endeavors. Even with the benefit of of  hyperfocus, folks show adverse feelings toward completing projects, homework sheets and forms. Often, people of all ages with ADHD find the ability to focus on more interactive pursuits like video games and television for more extended periods of time. These activities are inherently captivating - the rewards are built right into them!

While defending the existence of ADHD can be a bit complicated sometimes, it is definitely worth knowing the facts. Have a few go-to facts to rely on when you need help the most. Create a few phrases based on this information that you can use when you encounter a doubter. To keep up your morale, make sure you keep people who acknowledge the truth of ADHD and know about it near and dear. The more support the better!!

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Read more blog posts: 

• 5 Tips for Parenting Neurodiverse Kids on the Same Page
• How ADHD Is Diagnosed
• Overcoming 3 Common ADHD Parenting Struggles during COVID

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

• How to Deal with & Educate ADHD Doubters (ADDitude ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline)
• What the world gets wrong about ADHD - ADHD Awareness Month (ADDitude ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline)
• How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal interview with Dr. Saline)

Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/  

ADDitude Mag: No Motivation? 5 Steps to Build Drive and Confidence

Teachers and parents can take advantage of these strategies for training focus, combatting procrastination, and prioritizing effectively to achieve the success that drives future motivation in their students with ADHD. Read the article here.