Dear Dr. Sharon: Why Has My Tween Stopped Talking To Me?
5 Ways to Stay Connected When ADHD, Anxiety, and Adolescence Make Communication Harder
READERS WRITE…
Dear Dr. Sharon,
I’m hoping you can help me figure out how to connect with my 13-year-old son. He has ADHD and struggles with anxiety. Lately I feel like I barely know what’s going on in his world.
When he was younger, he told me everything. I heard about what happened at school, who annoyed him at lunch, what his friends were doing, and whatever random thought happened to be on his mind. Now I ask how his day was and usually get “fine,” “I don’t know,” or a shrug before he heads to his room.
I know some of this is probably part of getting older. He wants more privacy and independence, and I’m trying to respect that. But sometimes I can tell something is really bothering him. He’ll come home quiet or irritable, and when I ask what’s wrong, he immediately says, “Nothing.” If I keep asking, he gets frustrated and tells me to leave him alone.
The confusing part is that hours later, he’ll suddenly start talking out of nowhere. It might be in the car, or while I’m making dinner, and all of a sudden I’ll hear about something that happened with a friend or a problem at school. My instinct is to ask questions or offer advice because I want to help, but sometimes that seems to shut the conversation down almost as quickly as it started.
I worry about getting the balance wrong. If I give him space, will he think I don’t care? If I keep trying to get him to talk, am I pushing him further away?
I don’t expect him to tell me everything, but I want him to know that he can come to me when he needs me. How do I keep communication open without making him feel pressured to talk?
—Melissa, Illinois
DR. SHARON SAYS…
Dear Melissa,
First, I want you to know how familiar this experience is for parents of tweens and teens.
One day, your child is telling you every detail of a disagreement that happened at recess. Then, seemingly overnight, you ask what happened at school and receive the universally frustrating tween response: “I don’t know.”
It can feel like a door has suddenly closed between you.
For parents raising kids with ADHD, anxiety, or other neurodivergent differences, that change can be especially unsettling. You may wonder whether your child is simply becoming more independent or whether something deeper is happening. Are they overwhelmed? Struggling socially? Masking all day? Did something happen that they're afraid to tell you?
So you ask another question. And another. Unfortunately, the harder we knock on that door, the more tightly some tweens close it.
The goal during these years isn't to get your child to tell you everything. It's to create the kind of relationship where they know they can come to you when something matters.
And sometimes, staying connected begins with learning how to make a little more room for silence.
Why Your Tween May Have Less to Say
Part of what you’re seeing is a normal developmental shift. Tweens are beginning to figure out who they are outside of their families. They want more independence, friendships become increasingly important, and they start deciding which parts of their lives they want to share with their parents.
That doesn’t mean they don’t need you. In fact, they may need you very much while simultaneously wanting more space from you.
ADHD and anxiety can add another layer.
Imagine what your son’s brain may have been managing before he walks through your door: staying focused in class, remembering assignments, shifting between subjects, navigating friendships, controlling impulses, managing frustration, and trying to keep up with everything happening around him. Emotional regulation challenges are also common among youth with ADHD and can affect social and family functioning.
By the end of the day, he may simply be depleted.
You see him toss down his backpack and disappear into his room and think, ‘He doesn’t want to talk to me.’ He may be thinking, “I just need a little space where nobody needs anything from me.”
Those are two very different stories.
Sometimes “I Don’t Know” Really Means “I Don’t Know”
Parents often hear “I don’t know” as avoidance. Sometimes it is. Other times, your tween genuinely doesn’t know how to explain what they’re experiencing yet.
Maybe a friend made a comment that bothered him. He forgot an assignment and felt embarrassed. Lunch was awkward. He’s worried about tomorrow’s test. He’s also hungry, tired, and overstimulated.
Then you ask: “What’s wrong?”
That can be a surprisingly complicated question.
Your child has to identify what he’s feeling, figure out why he feels that way, organize the events of the day, and put everything into words. For a tween who is already overwhelmed, that may be too much to ask in that moment.
This is why what you mentioned in your letter is so important: your son does talk to you. He just does it later. He talks in the car. He talks while you’re making dinner. He finds you when he’s ready. Rather than seeing those delayed conversations as a problem, start seeing them as information about how he connects best.
When Listening Accidentally Turns Into Fixing
Then comes another challenge. Your tween finally starts talking. He tells you that his friend ignored him at lunch, and your parenting brain immediately goes to work:
“Did you ask what was wrong? Maybe you should text him. Why don’t you sit with someone else tomorrow?”
You’re trying to help, but your child may not be asking for a solution. He may simply want you to listen about something that hurt.
Parents’ responses to young people’s emotions matter, and research continues to underscore the connection between supportive parent responses, emotion regulation, and social-emotional functioning.
Instead of immediately fixing, try asking:
“Do you want me to listen, or do you want help figuring out what to do?”
That one question gives your tween some control while reminding him that you’re available either way.
Five Ways to Keep Communication Open
1. Give Them Time to Decompress
The moment your tween walks through the door may not be the best time for questions. Offer a snack, some downtime, or simply a warm hello. Connection often comes more easily after their nervous system has had time to settle.
2. Choose Side-by-Side Moments
Car rides, walking the dog, cooking dinner, or running an errand can make conversation feel less intense. Some kids talk more easily when they don’t feel like they’re being asked to sit down and “have a talk.”
3. Ask Smaller Questions
“How was your day?” requires a lot of sorting. Try something more specific:
“What was the easiest part of today?”
“Who made you laugh?”
“Was lunch decent today?”
Smaller questions can be easier to answer and may naturally lead somewhere deeper.
4. Listen Before You Solve
When your tween shares something difficult, resist the urge to immediately offer advice. Start with validation:
“That sounds really frustrating.”
“I can see why that bothered you.”
You can always problem-solve later. First, let them feel heard.
5. Notice Their Bids for Connection
Your tween may not say, “Mom, I’d like some quality time with you.”
They might send you a funny video. Wander into the kitchen. Ask you to drive them somewhere. Sit beside you while you’re watching television.
Notice those moments. They’re invitations.
A Final Thought
Your relationship with your son isn’t disappearing. It’s changing.
During the tween years, staying close often means learning to tolerate a little more space. Your child needs opportunities to become independent while knowing that you remain steady, interested, and available.
Communication doesn’t always look like a heart-to-heart conversation across the kitchen table. Sometimes it’s a quiet car ride. A shared joke. A snack left on the counter. Ten minutes together when neither of you is trying very hard to make anything happen.
Recent research supports what parents often sense intuitively: the quality of parent-teen communication is meaningfully connected with adolescent mental health.
So try not to measure your connection by how many words your tween gives you today. Keep showing up. Listen when the opening comes. Let silence be okay.
The goal isn’t to make your tween tell you everything. It’s to make sure they know that, when they’re ready to tell you something, you’ll be there to listen.
Continue Reading
If you'd like to explore these topics further, here are a few related articles you may find helpful:
Dear Dr. Sharon: When Your Teen Says ‘I Don’t Care’ (Understanding ADHD Shutdown)
What Your Neurodivergent Child Wishes You Knew About Their Meltdowns
Research & References
The information shared in this article is informed by current research and clinical best practices in ADHD, adolescent development, emotional regulation, and parent-child communication.
Kapetanovic, S., et al. (2024).A systematic review of the association between parent-child communication and adolescent mental health. This review included 37 studies and found parent-adolescent communication quality to be meaningfully associated with several areas of adolescent mental health.
Wecht, S., Hendrixson, M., & Radović, A. (2024).A Mixed Method Investigation of Parent-Adolescent Communication About Mental Health.Journal of Adolescent Health, 75(6), 904–911. The study identified patience and open-mindedness as communication facilitators and fear of dismissal or burdening parents as potential barriers.
Vacher, C., Goujon, A., Romo, L., & Purper-Ouakil, D. (2020).Efficacy of psychosocial interventions for children with ADHD and emotion dysregulation: A systematic review.Psychiatry Research, 291, 113151.
