Intrepid Ed News: 4 Common Parenting Challenges and How to Overcome Them
Simplifying the Holiday Season with Your Neurodiverse Family: How to prevent stress and foster joy
As the holiday season unfolds, my clients and friends express feeling very stressed. Some people have a long list of gifts to buy and wait until the last minute to do their shopping. Some schedule back-to-back social plans and celebrate with gusto. Other folks dislike the holidays altogether and would prefer to hide in bed under the covers until January. In general, everyone seems to be in a state of perpetual motion, running from one thing to the next, trying to get things done and seeing family and friends. This pace is not only challenging to maintain, but it's also especially hard for kids and adults with ADHD who get easily overwhelmed, even without the holiday fervor. How can you create experience that is fun, rewarding and calmer for you, your neurodiverse family? Get ready for simplifying this holiday season.
1. Simplifying the holiday lists, errands and tasks
Start with a mindset of “SIMPLIFY, not COMPLEX-IFY." Usually the holiday overwhelm comes from one or both of two main sources: (1) leaving things until the last minute and (2) trying to do too much. Let’s face it—EVERYTHING takes longer than we think it will. If you start planning your tasks with that mentality, and give yourself more time to do things, the process will go much more smoothly.
Strategies for simplifying holiday tasks:
1. Shorten lists and outings
Make a master list, and then break it down into shorter ones. Ideally, your family might stop at 1 or 2 places in one trip, but plan for no more than 3-4 different places in one outing. Strategize by mapping out where you need to go beforehand, and group places together that are near each other.
2. Teach while you lead
Teach your kids with ADHD to practice simplifying, too. Help your kids learn shopping strategies by explaining what, why and how you are doing things when you go out together to run errands.
3. Take breaks to rest and re-connect
Schedule in a break for hot chocolate or tea to break up the trip. It will encourage you and your family to reset between one stimulating environment and the next. Check-in with yourself and each other to see how you're feeling and if you're ready for the next stop.
4. Acknowledge your accomplishments
Sometimes we're so overwhelmed with what we know we still have to do, we forget about how much we've already accomplished. Be sure to cross things off your (shortened) lists when they are completed. You can do this yourself, or ask your kids to assist you. It’s easier to see and remember your accomplishments this way.
2. Reducing the number of social engagements
The holiday season is usually jammed packed with things to do, people to see, and places to go. As parents, we have to take into consideration how much our ADHD children and teens can actually tolerate, process and enjoy. Sometimes you have to curb your own desire and capacity to do several things in a day in order to help regulate what your kids can really manage. Part of the holiday stress for ADHD kids and families comes from having too many of these activities in a row and not enough ‘down time’ to process them. When your ADHD daughter has a meltdown at 6 p.m. because she doesn’t like the mac and cheese, it probably has nothing to do with the food and everything to do with unloading steam from holding it together for so long throughout the day. Simplifying the holiday tasks will help, but you also have to consider how many gatherings and social engagements are truly necessary for a happy holiday season.
How to cut down on the 'squeeze it all in' mentality–together:
1. Sit down with your family, and decide how many activities in a day you each can really handle this holiday season.
2. Talk about what constitutes ''down time' for each person, and make sure it includes something that is settling rather than stimulating. Limit individual technology use, and encourage quiet activities, such as playing games, reading or listening to music. Maybe watch your favorite family holiday movie. Write down these ideas and post them on the refrigerator so people can refer to them when they are most needed.
Good luck, and Happy Holidays to you and your family!
Read more blog posts:
- Productive Procrastination and ADHD: How to stop running in place and start tackling your goals
- Social Anxiety and ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation
- Wandering Attention and ADHD: How daydreaming can help you relax and think creatively
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
- Finding peace during the stressful holiday season 22 News Mass Appeal interviews Dr. Saline
- Transforming ADHD Triggers: From Upset to Reset ADDitude ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline
- Tips to help your kids avoid getting overwhelmed during the holidays 22 News Mass Appeal interviews Dr. Saline
Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Attention Talk Radio - ADHD, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and the Pink Elephant Paradox
YourTango - The Scientific Way To Organize Your Thoughts And Get More Done
Read the article featured on YourTango! Read the original blog post here. 
Back Together with Gratitude: Managing your emotions and expectations during the holidays
Last year in 2020, you might have hosted or attended small holiday gatherings, if any. Some were in-person, and some were virtual. Overall, it was different, and this year will feel different yet again. Thankfully, we have Covid-19 vaccines, our favorite masks on hand, and more hope for safer gatherings. But is the idea of getting together with family causing some anxiety? Returning to social events isn't easy, and it might take some practice until you feel comfortable with it again. Conversations these days can also get pretty heated, and emotions could run wild. Covid-19 is still a concern as well. So how can you navigate challenging conversations, stay safe and still enjoy the festivities? Here are a few tips to consider for managing your emotions and expectations during family gatherings over the holidays.
1. Decide on your COVID safety guidelines in advance
Take time to think about what you’ll need to feel safe during the holiday season. When do you want to wear a mask? What types of events are you comfortable attending? Talk to your host about the plan for dealing with COVID safety for the day. People have differing levels of comfort and varying beliefs about COVID. Is there an agreement about vaccinations and/or testing before gathering? Then talk with your partner and your kids about your goals and strategies during Thanksgiving get-togethers.
2. Expect intense emotions
If you haven’t been together with people you love in a long time, your gathering is bound to be emotional. Feelings will run high as people bring their excitement, desire for connection and intentions to catch up. There may also be some anxiety. Excitement and anxiety are two sides of the same coin: the brain processes them along similar pathways. Expect emotional ups and downs, and strategize how to cope with them in advance.
3. Practice self-care
Let’s face it, families can be challenging. You may have great hopes for the holiday which are dashed by a thoughtless comment from your mother or an inappropriate “joke” by your uncle. You may become overwhelmed by the stimulation and have trouble processing all of the input. Think about what you can do to stay centered and calm in advance of the gathering. Schedule some time you'll take a walk, do some yoga, meditate, grab a break or read your book during the day.
4. Appreciate what you have
Make time at the table to give thanks–for your health, being together, the food you have, your home. It’s been a rough 18 months, and our lives have changed dramatically. Talk with your kids about what has gone well and lessons they’ve learned from what you have all experienced. This teaches them to appreciate what they have instead of focusing on what they don’t. You will decrease negativity and increase positive thinking, which assists children and teens with practicing gratitude.
Celebrating holidays can be difficult as we navigate family dynamics, the stress of travel and competing priorities. It’s possible to relieve some of the pressure by planning ahead and carving out time to unwind. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, practice gratitude and emphasize the good instead of dwelling on the bad. Lift your own spirits by acknowledging what you’re thankful for, and help spread positive feelings among your family and friends.
Wishing you and your family a safe and happy Thanksgiving!
Read more blog posts:
- ADHD and Metacognition: Learning to reflect on your thoughts and experiences with a growth mindset
- Planning and Prioritizing Practices for ADHD Brains: What’s the plan, and when do you start?!
- Create Successful Neurodiverse Family Outings Today: Time to connect with the great outdoors!
Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:
- Transforming ADHD Triggers: From Upset to Reset (ADDitude Live Q&A with Dr. Saline)
Dr. Saline's Interviews & In the News:
- Mentally Preparing for the Chaos that Can Come From Family and Friends (WWLP 22 News Interview with Dr. Saline)
Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
ADHD, Emotional Regulation and Managing Family Conflict: Replacing Time-outs with Time-in or Time-apart
Many parents of ADHD children and teens come into my office and report that nothing really works in terms of discipline and consequences. “My son just doesn’t care what we take away,” or “my daughter laughs when we ground her.” While all kids balk at rules sometimes, those with ADHD tend to squawk more often and louder. Commonly associated with ADHD are emotional regulation and executive functioning challenges, so instances where your child or teen needs to manage anger, inhibition or flexibility, for instance, can be difficult. How you decide to handle any family conflicts that might arise is important. To rein in and redirect undesirable behaviors, parents have to respond instead of react and rely on pre-arranged interventions. The Family Emotional Regulation Method (FERM) can help your family make well-considered decisions about how to manage emotional meltdowns and behavioral infractions–with options that foster connections instead of conflict.
Rethinking Time-outs for ADHD emotional regulation
Many parents rely on using Time-outs when emotions start to escalate in the family. But Time-outs focus on the “wrong-ness” of the action, rather than on the child or teen's accountability. Most kids experience them as punishment, which makes them feel worse about themselves. They frequently feel like they are 'bad' people who are engaging in 'bad' behaviors that, because of their ADHD, they often can’t control.
In addition, Time-outs usually don’t teach emotional regulation because learning this key executive functioning skill requires modeling and support–not isolation. Of course, a child in Time-out will eventually calm down, but they usually don’t come away from the experience with the necessary tools for self-awareness to use the next time they become triggered and dysregulated.
What's behind big emotions
Let’s look at the biology of a quick, intense rise in emotions–the amygdala takeover. It takes around six seconds for the adrenaline released during an amygdala takeover to dissipate in the brain, but up to 10-20 minutes for the effects on the body to wear off. During this time, the 'thinking brain' has gone offline, and emotions are ruling the day.
This is why you can’t negotiate anything in these moments. Creating a plan of appropriate options for settling down and self-soothing is what’s called for instead.
Using a Time-in or Time-apart to support ADHD emotional regulation
Isolating your upset child or teen to cool down when emotions intensify can be helpful for some people but provocative for others. While using a Time-out, such as sending your 10 year-old son to his room, when he is in a meltdown might offer you some relief, it may not be the most effective solution for him.
Instead, he may need a quiet few moments with you on the couch, rubbing his head and reading a book. This is an example of using a Time-in to manage ADHD emotional dysregulation.
Though it might be the opposite of what you feel like doing when you are activated, give it a try. Exercise self-Control (one of my 5 C's of ADHD Parenting) by taking a deep breath, going to the bathroom to get centered, and then showing up for a hug and that quiet activity.
On the other hand, after you and your 16 year-old daughter argue about her curfew, you may need 20 minutes alone with a cup of tea, and she may want 20 minutes to listen to some music on her bed. Both of these can happen with a Time-apart. It’s not punitive; it’s recuperative.
Learning the Family Emotional Regulation Method (FERM)
The FERM relies on a pre-negotiated intervention that gives you options in the moment. As a family, talk about the pattern of emotional eruptions and lay out some strategies in advance. This way, you can better cope with what is going on when the 'thinking brain' goes offline. In addition, you avoid power struggles that result in banishing your ornery teen or crying child to their room out of anger and frustration. You're also not stuck needing to invent interventions off the cuff. Instead, you integrate self-soothing strategies that work for everyone.
The Family Emotional Regulation Method is based on creating an environment for families living with ADHD that teaches self-regulation through collaboration when family members can think clearly and aren't feeling upset. This strategy relies on the positive aspects of your parent-child connection–the bond that incentivizes cooperation in the first place.
Here’s how to create your FERM:
1. Identify the patterns
Set aside a time for one or two family meetings (15 minutes maximum) to discuss and name the triggers and characteristics of family meltdowns. Identify signs that emotions are heating up. What contributes to their escalation? What would help everybody slow down, recover and pivot? How long is an ideal recovery time for you, your child or teen? Write these down.
2. Think about your own responses:
How are you responding to your child or teen’s intense emotions? How would you like to respond? How can you help your child or teen with ADHD learn emotional regulation strategies? What tools could help you stay settled? Write these down for yourself and keep this list on your phone so you can look at it when you start to feel overwhelmed.
3. Improve cooperation:
Use everybody’s desire for fewer arguments and more peace in the house as motivation for implementing your family plan. This lies at the heart of kids’ buy-in. When you ask for their opinions and include them in your strategies, kids with ADHD feel more interested because they are working with you: you are allies on the same team to reduce conflict and nurture closeness.
4. Create your FERM chart:
Download your free FERM Chart Template handout here!
Example:
- Trigger: Setting a time limit on playing Roadblocks or Minecraft
- Kid's Typical Reaction: Yelling and protesting
- Your Typical Response: Taking away screen privileges for the rest of the day
- Your New Planned Response: Calling a break in the action for agreed upon amount of time before escalation
- Time-Apart or Time-In Option: Ask whether your child wants a Time-in (activity together from list) or a Time-Apart (choice of self-soother)
- Recovery: Quick conversation that explores accountability and next steps
5. Practice makes progress:
Create realistic goals, aim for steadiness instead of perfection and remember that everybody is doing the best they can in a given moment with the tools available to them. It takes time and practice to change family habits of negative interactions. Try out an intervention, expect to make adjustments and then try it again.
Read more blog posts:
- ADHD and Negativity: Why ADHD kids and teens say “No” and how to help them communicate
- Tone of Voice Awareness in Neurodiverse Families: How to practice self-regulation in family conflicts
- Cooling Down Conversations in Neurodiverse Families: De-escalate and do-over with ‘WAIT-Now’ and ‘Take Back of the Day’
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
- How Do I Manage ADHD and Emotional Explosions? (ADDitude Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- Anger Management with ADHD (ADDitude Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)
Sources: Cuncic, A. (2021, June 22). Amygdala Hijack and the Fight or Flight Response. Verywell Mind. Retrieved November 17, 2021, from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-happens-during-an-amygdala-hijack-4165944.
22 News Mass Appeal: Mentally preparing for the chaos that can come from family and friends
Attention Talk Radio - Perfectionism and ADHD: Obstacle or Motivation
Wandering Attention and ADHD: How daydreaming can help you relax and think creatively
Many parents and teachers are concerned when they see children or teens daydreaming or spacing out. They wrongfully assume that daydreaming is not 'productive' and is therefore a waste of time. However, periodically letting your mind drift is actually good for you. It allows for creativity, exploration and rest that the brain doesn’t otherwise engage in. The importance of occasional attention wandering is something that author Daniel Goleman refers to as “open awareness.” It’s a way of perceiving your surroundings without getting caught up in the details; allowing your thoughts to wander freely and spontaneously. This wandering attention is how we come up with new ideas, find inspiration and problem-solve creatively–which is not only useful, but quite productive.
Focused Attention and “The Thinking Brain”
On our busy days, our brains spend most of the time purposefully assembling, managing and applying information while engaging in actions, behaviors and self-expression. We focus our attention on a variety of situations, people, problems and solutions. This focus results from interactions between three parts of the brain: lower, middle and frontal.
The lower brain works mostly out of our consciousness, monitoring sensory information and events in our environment.
The mid-brain monitors and processes emotions.
The frontal lobes, also called the prefrontal cortex, are often called ‘the thinking brain.’ It houses executive functioning skills like planning, organizing, sequencing, self-reflection and impulse control that push away distractions and point the mind on a single task or thought. The prefrontal cortex is the last part of the brain to develop at age 25 or so and is specifically affected by having ADHD. Of course, cultural norms, technology and trauma all affect our attention, as people learn to navigate through their lives, society and the world at large.
Wandering Attention and ADHD
We are bombarded by information every moment of every day, which creates what Goleman refers to as the "neural buzz" in our brains. This ‘buzz’ can easily interrupt us and overwhelm our capacity to manage our focus through our 'thinking brains.' Children, teens and adults with ADHD have brain systems that are associated with creative mind-wandering. There is some thinking that ‘zoning out’ might actually be a time when innovative connections between new ideas are occurring.
When we make space for wandering attention, we not only give ourselves more opportunity for creativity and connection, we also help minimize that persistent and overwhelming ‘neural buzz.' Moreover, open awareness and mind drift are powerful tools for boredom relief and metacognitive thinking.
Ways to help your mind wander
So, what does this mean for you and/or your child? Simply put, allow for some down time—time when the brain can free-associate and take a break from the demands of technology, relationships, academics and performance. This time is critical for balance. Here are a few suggestions:
1. Create technology-free time
Use technology-free time for whatever else you or they want to do–including, and especially, nothing. Set limits for this time if your child is struggling with ‘doing nothing.' Consider making a list of ‘nothing’ activities that foster brain breaks. Examples of low dopamine activities are reading, listening to music, playing in the yard and taking a walk.
2. Explore the great outdoors
Spending time in nature is one of the best ways to let your mind rest and your body recharge. The key is to pick an activity that you enjoy or your family enjoys doing together. Hiking, biking, swimming and canoeing are all wonderful activities. If your child prefers something less active, bring a picnic lunch to the park, fly a kite, build a snowman or gather shells at the beach.
3. Play with a pet
Playing with pets is a fun way to unplug and unwind. Most kids have a natural affinity with animals, and walking a dog or taking care of a pet for a weekend can be an uplifting experience for people of all ages. If you or your family doesn’t have a pet, ask a friend, relative or neighbor who does.
4. Meditate
Older children and teens may find meditation beneficial. With enough practice, it can alleviate stress at the end of a busy day, or help them stay calm before an exam or musical recital. Meditation is a particularly helpful tool for parents–often helping with regaining perspective in times of stress, increasing self-awareness and practicing patience. Fortunately, there are now a myriad of guided meditation apps and videos you can try to help you practice on occasion or in a new routine.
We benefit in many ways from zooming out and letting our minds wander. In the same way we feel recharged after a good vacation or a relaxing day at home, we need to give our minds a break from the constant buzzing. Find an activity or two which will help you take a break and kick back. A little bit of doing nothing is sometimes better than constantly doing something.
Read more blog posts:
- ADHD and Metacognition: Learning to reflect on your thoughts and experiences with a growth mindset
- Celebrate ADHD Awareness Month by Accepting the Wonderful Uniqueness of Living with ADHD
- Social Anxiety and ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation
Learn more at Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel!
Sources: Goleman, D. (2015). Focus: The hidden driver of excellence. Harper.
YourTango - Social Anxiety & ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation
Read the article featured on YourTango! Read the original blog post here.
The Peaceful Parenting Podcast - Episode 22: Understanding ADHD with Dr. Sharon Saline
- What is ADHD?
- The three types of ADHD
- How to help our kids build working memory
- Why understanding extrinsic vs. intrinsic motivation is important
- Dr. Sharon’s 5 C’s of ADHD parenting approach
Productive Procrastination and ADHD: How to stop running in place and start tackling your goals
Many people with ADHD think that procrastination is a natural part of having ADHD and, all too often, see themselves as being incapable of getting things done that they would like to. However, most procrastinators rarely spend their time doing nothing. Instead, they are great at doing other things--sharpening pencils, picking the right music to listen to, tidying up the kitchen, etc.: anything but the main task. It seems that people with ADHD who procrastinate can be productive, as long as they're focusing on a task that interests them and isn't too challenging. When people engage in more interesting and approachable tasks, while putting off a more important task that might seem overwhelming, it's known as productive procrastination.
Procrastination, ADHD and anxiety
Procrastination can be debilitating. Your child with ADHD puts off her science project until the day before it's due; you wait to clean your house until an hour before your in-laws arrive when your panic about having a messy living room kicks in. Adrenaline jumpstarts your activity level by fueling your dopamine pathways to fire. Often, procrastination is a form of anxiety; you’re not sure that you can do the task, project or assignment the way you want to, or at all. You’re worried and uncertain about the outcome, so you avoid it and set it aside until the due date is right in front of you. The term productive procrastination was first used by Piers Steel in his book, The Procrastination Equation. Productive procrastination is also known as 'procrastivity' (Russell Ramsey, Ph.D.), positive procrastination or structural procrastination. Often, people put the big ticket items at the top of their to-do list--if they make one--followed by other easier items. Then, they aim for the low hanging fruit, even if it means they are wasting their time.
The short term relief of productive procrastination
Productive procrastination is a delay tactic that feels good because you are getting other things done while avoiding the onerous or unpleasant ones. You keep yourself busy with something else and stay away from the big thing that’s really looming over your head. You still do things that need to be accomplished, but what you work on is less urgent and important than the items you push aside. This makes you feel temporarily better because you feel like you are making progress and you are. But this short term relief increases your long-term stress.
Productive procrastination and the ADHD brain
Reducing productive procrastination relies on self-regulation and the ability to prioritize. You have to do a brain dump: identify what’s critical to do right now (emergencies and crises), and then sort out everything else. This is where folks with ADHD stumble; it’s tough to determine what is most important if urgency isn’t attached to it. 
It's harder to write a history paper or finish that work report than it is to do the laundry. Both need to be accomplished, but doing the laundry is less cognitively demanding than writing, so it gets pushed to the front. It’s a task that’s more on autopilot than the creative, organizing, sorting and persistence needed for research and writing. That's why ADHD brains wander off to do those tasks first. Tasks that lend themselves to productive procrastination often have a time frame, with clear starting and endpoints. Doing the laundry or taking out the chicken to defrost for dinner is a finite task. Written work, especially if you throw in perfectionism, does not. The ADHD brain, driven towards the satisfaction and engagement from tangible, higher dopamine activities (those that seem more easily achievable), will focus on those activities first.
4 tips to combat productive procrastination:
1. Break down big tasks into smaller chunks
When you complete a piece of work, the work not only then seems smaller, but it also helps reduce your anxiety about completing it. Create a fixed time period to work on it so it doesn’t takeover your life. If you are parenting a child or teen with ADHD, prepare to assist them in chunking assignments and chores. Take stock of what you’ve accomplished when you take your pause. You’ve done something, keep going!
2. Pay attention to and address mood issues
Your son may not want to walk the dog because he's not in the mood. Your daughter may pick an argument with you to avoid doing her math homework. You may struggle yourself to summon up the effort to sit down and balance your checking account. Overcoming your negativity using emotional control, and starting anyway, is what’s called for. With a smaller chunk of work as your goal, and a set start and stop time, you may find that you can summon the motivation to begin. Consider playing soothing or inspirational music, making a cup of your favorite tea or setting your timer. Ask your kids what would help them get into the frame of mind. The mood may never arrive, and that’s okay. Do it anyway. If you can’t, make a plan with a friend, family member or work buddy to help you talk about what’s bothering and sit down at your desk. If there is nobody you can reach, talk it out in your voice memo, or write it out for a short timed period. Think about how you will feel (positively) on the other side of doing some work.
3. Avoid negative self-talk, exaggeration and trickery
Negative self-talk will tell you that you can’t do things that you actually can do and probably have accomplished in the past. Anxiety often erases memories of courage and competence, and our negative memory bias doesn't help. Anxiety also distorts things and can exaggerate the discomfort or impossibility of doing a task. Many people with ADHD also deceive themselves into thinking they cannot do something because it didn’t work before, without giving themselves a chance to try it again differently. This is true for kids, too. Challenge these parts by recalling previous successes. Think about a time when you dreaded doing something and left it until the last minute.
-
- How did that work out for you?
- What was the price you paid to complete it?
- Do you want to do that again?
Create some phrases to talk back to this part of you:
-
- Say, “Yes, I can do this, and I have succeeded in the past.”
- Or, “I’ve set my timers, I’ve planned my reward when I stop, so let’s get started.”
4. Build a strategy to reduce productive procrastination
Use your logic and ask for help when needed. These tools will continue to improve prioritization skills. Over and over, ask yourself (or your child) about the time and value factors related to the tasks on your to-do list:
-
- Is this urgent?
- What is the importance of this task?
Identify helpful supports--whether digital apps or human advise. Create a map of how to approach the hard stuff, how to set up meaningful incentives, and what tools you might need for self-regulation to get there. If you are really struggling, consider finding a buddy who can assist you or keep you company in this process. 
Read more blog posts:
- Planning and Prioritizing Practices for ADHD Brains: What’s the plan, and when do you start?!
- ADHD and Motivation: How stress reduces productivity and what you can do about it
- Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
- ADHD & Productive Procrastination (ADDitude ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
- Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
- 4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)
Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Sources: Ramsay, R. (2020, July 16). Procrastivity (a.k.a. sneaky avoidance) and adult ADHD coping. Psychology Today. Retrieved November 3, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rethinking-adult-adhd/202007/procrastivity-aka-sneaky-avoidance-and-adult-adhd-coping. Steel, P. (2012). The procrastination equation: How to stop putting things off and start getting stuff done. Harper.
The Normangee Star - You Are Worthy of Self-Compassion: How to Break the Habit of Internalized Criticism
Dr. Saline's article "You Are Worthy of Self-Compassion: How to Break the Habit of Internalized Criticism" was featured in The Normangee Star Newspaper! It's featured in Volume 109, No.42, page 5, on October 27, 2021. Read the article, originally published by ADDitude Magazine. Subscribe to The Normangee Star Newspaper Serving Normangee, Hilltop Lakes and Surrounding Communities in Leon and Madison Counties of Texas since 1912.
COCORO MEDIA: The ADHD-Anger Connection (Japanese Translation)
Click here to read the COCORO MEDIA article (Japanese). Click here the original article on Psychology Today (English).
YourTango: 4 Common Misconceptions About ADHD That Everyone Needs To Forget (Weekly Best!)
*Now a YourTango Experts Weekly Best: Editor's Pick!*
PsychCentral: The 10 Best Books for ADHD in 2021
Dr. Sharon Saline's book, What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew, was chosen "Best for parents of kids with ADHD!" Click here to read the PsychCentral article! Click here to learn more about Dr. Saline's book!
ADHD Misconceptions: How to respond to 4 damaging false beliefs and assumptions about ADHD
As we continue to celebrate ADHD Awareness Month, I’d like to offer you support and suggestions for dealing with people who don’t understand what it’s like to live with ADHD or believe that it truly exists. Maybe it's your friend, boss, teacher, coach or a family member. ADHD misconceptions and myths negatively impact people with ADHD, and those who support them, every day. Here are some comments that folks just like you have shared about the biases, judgments and frustrations they encounter every day. We'll review why these are beliefs and assumptions are false and how you can respond to them with calm confidence.
4 Common ADHD Misconceptions:
1. ADHD is a lack of willpower.
- “I’m tired of hearing that I’m not trying, or I just make excuses.”
- “People think I don’t want help. What I don’t want is for someone to tell me to do something that makes no sense to my brain.”
- “People think we are just hyperactive, stupid or lazy. They don’t understand that we need a different way to understand concepts or approach tasks.”
One of the biggest ADHD misconceptions is that people with ADHD don't have willpower. But people with ADHD actually have a lot of willpower: You face each day and do the best you can while living with significant executive functioning challenges. You have determination: you try to apply yourself to a variety of tasks in a variety of situations. Lower levels of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain make it much more difficult to muster up the energy and concentration for things that seem uninteresting or unfulfilling and yet, kids and adults with ADHD figure out how to do this when they have access to appropriate supports. You (and/or your child) are a neurodivergent, outside-the-box thinker, which can be a great asset to any project, classroom, team or job. You are warriors.
How you can respond:
When someone talks about laziness or a lack of willpower, consider responding by saying: "ADHD is a biologically-based condition that affects executive functioning skills such as organization, time management and planning. I’m building those skills every day. If you’d like to learn more about ADHD, I’m happy to share some information with you." Remember that you are warriors, regardless of what others think.
2. Everybody has a little ADHD.
- “A little ADHD. Haha. That’s called distraction.”
- “People think if you are not hyper and wild, you don’t have ADHD.”
- “Don’t we all have ADHD because of computers and smartphones?"
There are different types of ADHD (hyperactive-impulsive, inattentive and combination) and different levels of symptomology (mild, moderate or severe). However, there is no such thing as “a little ADHD," and technology does not cause ADHD. Using technology and multitasking can exacerbate symptoms of inattention and impulsivity, but they don’t cause ADHD. ADHD is rooted in a person’s neurology. This is why “everybody has ADHD” is not a valid statement. What we have today is a distracted society, with kids and adults alike accustomed to being virtually connected at all times and expecting immediate responses to questions or problems. These statements minimize your experience as an adult with ADHD, or as a parent of someone with ADHD. It’s easy to feel hurt or angry when you hear them.
How you can respond:
While you might feel frustrated, try responding by saying: “While all people can feel distracted and preoccupied at times, that is very different from the biology of having ADHD.” Do not let their ignorance diminish your lived experience, and focus on your personal strengths.
3. ADHD means lower intelligence.
“The assumption is that you can’t be at the top of your class and have ADHD.” - “Kids with ADHD don't have the same abilities as kids without it.”
- “How do I convince my daughter she is not broken but needs help to teach her the skills she is just lacking in?”
Having ADHD doesn’t mean that your brain is broken or your intelligence is lower. There is more than one way to view intelligence. Harvard psychologist Howard Gardner's Theory of Multiple Intelligences suggests eight to nine different types, including visual-spatial intelligence, musical intelligence, naturalistic intelligence and more. The reality is that everyone has stronger areas of intelligence than others -- ADHD or not. But even if you're simply concerned about IQ, ADHD is not correlated with someone having a a higher or lower score.
People with ADHD struggle with attending to and remembering certain subjects that they're not interested in--more so than their peers. This is because their memory and attention works differently. What people with ADHD attend to, learn and remember is often determined by what elicits a stronger dopamine response.
This doesn't mean that they can't succeed in subjects that don't interest them, it's just much more difficult for them. However, people with ADHD can -- and often DO -- excel in subjects, and especially those that interest them! They can even hyperfocus on interests and activities that attract their attention (which can be, but is not always, a positive experience).
A person with ADHD might also have a lot of knowledge on a subject but struggle with the format of the "tests" that they're given. Many people with ADHD think, process and recall better in less distracting environments. Some think better when they can move around or fidget. They might need more testing time and/or the flexibility to express their knowledge in different ways. Thus, we can't effectively assess everyone's intelligence with a single testing system that wasn't designed for neurodiverse people.
It's a common and dangerous ADHD misconception to think low intelligence is linked to ADHD. It can harm confidence and self-esteem.
How you can respond:
So how do you respond to this hurtful ADHD misconception? Try saying: "ADHD doesn't correlate with higher or lower intelligence. There are many types of intelligence, and people with ADHD are often intelligent in areas that interest us compared to areas that don't because of how our attention is regulated. Though people with ADHD can struggle in school, it has much more to do with the accessibility and flexibility of the learning and testing systems than it does our intelligence." Though people might want to point out your challenges, I encourage you to reflect on, and focus on, your strengths and interests.
4. ADHD means less success.
“My partner thinks our teenager won't get into a good college because of his ADHD."- "I don't see the point of trying to sell my art, no one's going to want it anyways."
- "People think that those with ADHD will always be 'a little behind' their peers."
Growing up, it might have seemed like adults assessed how well we would "succeed in life" based on our school grades, athletic achievements, ability to make and keep friends, etc. Sometimes, it felt that our "success" as a teenager was going to determine the rest of our lives! Kids and teens can get the impression that they're destined for failure when they experience struggles in school. That is far from the truth! But, unfortunately, this belief can negatively impact their mood, self-esteem and motivation. 
Adults with ADHD still experience difficulties, such as executive functioning, emotional dysregulation and impulsivity challenges. But they can also have a greater understanding of their needs and strengths. They have more experience trying what works and what doesn't. Even though adulthood brings more challenges (it certainly does), there are also more opportunities for exploration, self-discovery, connections, joy and "success." It's hard to ignore the many societal influences we encounter everyday that promotes a limited idea of what "success" should look like, but it's important to reflect on what "success" means to you, personally. This way, you make choices that reflect your own goals. Focus on your strengths, interests and values. What would YOU like to accomplish because YOU want to accomplish it? If you have ADHD, you might notice your interests change more frequently than your peers. This might mean your idea of "success" is changing, too, and that's okay!
How you can respond:
If someone is questioning you or your child's ability to "succeed," consider saying something like this: "What it means to 'succeed' is often different from one person to the next. People with ADHD might need accommodations in certain school, work, social and community settings, but we can thrive academically, professionally, socially, creatively and in other various ways. We often live successful and fulfilling lives." Rather than believing people with ADHD don't have the means to "succeed," how can we focus more on helping people with ADHD access the support and accommodations they need so they have more opportunities to succeed? 
Read more blog posts:
- Celebrate ADHD Awareness Month by Accepting the Wonderful Uniqueness of Living with ADHD
- Responding to ADHD Doubters: Learn history and science that debunks 5 common ADHD myths
- Negative Memory Bias and ADHD: Tips to Help Kids and Youth with ADHD Remember the Positives
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
- How to Deal with & Educate ADHD Doubters (ADDitude ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- What the world gets wrong about ADHD - ADHD Awareness Month (ADDitude ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- Tips to help your kids make a smooth transition back to school (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal interview with Dr. Saline)
Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Sources: Cherry, K. (2019, July 17). Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences. Verywell Mind. Retrieved October 14, 2021, from https://www.verywellmind.com/gardners-theory-of-multiple-intelligences-2795161. Fletcher, J. (2019, July 11). ADHD and high IQ: What's the link? Medical News Today. Retrieved October 14, 2021, from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325715#are-there-any-links.
Attention Talk Radio - ADHD: “I’m Sorry,” a Reflexive Response
YourTango: The Very Best Strategies to Reduce Conflict and Increase Calmness in Your Neurodiverse Kids
Psychology Today: Learning to Prioritize With ADHD
