Psychology Today: How to Find a Therapist for Your Teenager
Intrepid Ed News: Connect more, argue less: The 5C’s of ADHD parenting
Low Motivation and ADHD: Using 'GRIT' to tackle the essential tasks when you're just not interested
Handling tasks and obligations we don’t enjoy is a part of everyday life. There are always meals to cook, laundry to do and garbage to take out. Most of us need to push ourselves to do tedious chores. Those with ADHD find it especially difficult to get started and follow through on boring, unpleasant tasks. This can lead to frustration, discouragement and even shame. It can also appear as negativity or procrastination. My GRIT method can help adults and kids learn two essential life skills: how to get motivated and how to see the work through to completion. GRIT is a process by which you get yourself ready to do a task or a work project, stay with it, apply consistent effort and finish a part or all of it. Let’s take a closer look.
People with ADHD lack dopamine, not willpower
The perception that people with ADHD lack grit or willpower is simply not true. ADHD is not a lack of willpower, but rather a condition of being unable to harness the abilities that you have to motivate yourself on something that interests you, and then apply them to something that does not. Dopamine plays an important role here.
People with ADHD are deficient in dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter involved in the reward pathway of the brain that can fuel motivation and action. Young people with ADHD, who have also yet to develop strong internal motivation (which usually develops in early adulthood), have an especially tough time feeling any motivation to start or finish day-to-day or long-term tasks and projects.
Grit is the steadfastness and persistence you need to stick with something and complete it. The GRIT method will help you achieve results and enjoy that wonderful sense of accomplishment.
Building Motivation: The What and The Why
In order to build motivation when you have ADHD, it is important to identify what you want to accomplish and why, and set goals accordingly.
Ask yourself:
-
-
- What do I want to achieve?
- Why is this goal important?
-
Here are some examples:
-
-
- I have to pay my bills by the end of the day to avoid late fees.
- I want to do the laundry so I can wear my favorite outfit to work.
-
Similarly, children stand a better chance of finishing unpleasant tasks by setting goals for themselves rather than relying on external motivators:
-
-
- Once I clean my room, I’ll be able to watch a movie.
-
Understanding your goals will not only help motivate you but will make it easier to see the work through to completion. This is an especially important skill for kids and teens to practice as they learn to manage schoolwork and chores independently.
Set Realistic Expectations
Once you’ve identified your goals, create realistic expectations of your capability, available resources and time constraints. Make a plan for when, where and how you’ll get things done. Try breaking large tasks down into smaller, more manageable pieces.
If it's unrealistic that you’ll wash, dry and fold a load of laundry on a weeknight, split up the work between two nights. Easy tasks can be done anywhere, but difficult tasks might require a quiet room or a stretch of time with minimal interruptions. Consider these constraints and plan accordingly.
Use GRIT to help manage your everyday tasks:
Get situated.
Think about your tasks, do a brain dump and assign numbers to the first 3 items. Then, write where and when you want to do them.
Break your first and second items down into smaller chunks. Finish these first two items before moving on to the next one.
Consider starting your own Personal Project Planner to help you visualize the steps and process of more lengthy or complicated projects.
Resist distraction.
Set reminders. Ask yourself, "How long can I do something before I get bored?” If it's 20 minutes, do your tasks in 20 minutes. Write yourself a note marking where you left off. Go on your break, set the time, go back to what you were doing. Don't try to do something for an hour if that’s an unrealistic expectation. It will end in criticism and negative self-talk. We're all about positive self-talk when building motivation with ADHD.
Implement incentives that matter.
Start with small steps and identify achievable goals. Put the “have-to” before the “want-to,” and use incentives. Watch your TV show after you do the dinner dishes. Meet your friend for coffee after you turn in your project. Use incentives that matter to kids and collaborate with them on setting up the agreement.
Take small steps, and positively talk yourself through the tasks.
Instead of saying to yourself, "Why can't I get more done? Why didn't I do this the way it should have been done?" say, "Look at what I was able to do!” Model positivity for your kids.
Try a “high and a low," or a "happy and a crappy” exercise at dinner to highlight the day's wins.
Consider writing down three good things or accomplishments each night before bed.
Low motivation is a common struggle for people with ADHD. But you CAN overcome it. Enable yourself with the right motivational tools and a positive can-do attitude. Make it a point to acknowledge each accomplishment, no matter how small.
Read more blog posts:
- Starting Tasks with ADHD: How to help kids and teens feel motivated to get the ball rolling!
- Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
- ADHD and Motivation: How stress reduces productivity and what you can do about it
Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline’s YouTube Channel:
-
- What's my motivation? ADHD & Motivation (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
- Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
- 4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)
Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
22 News Mass Appeal: Helping kids make and keep friends
ADDitude Mag - You Are Worthy of Self-Compassion: How to Break the Habit of Internalized Criticism
YourTango: What You Can Do When Your Child's ADHD And Defiance Makes You Want To Yell - Reprinted
*A YourTango Experts Weekly Best!*
"ADHD and defiance can be a tricky combination. There are so many facets to kids with ADHD. Yes, they are creative, passionate, and smart. Yes, they can also be distractible, energetic, impulsive, intense, and strong-willed. And yes, going back to school amidst the surge of Covid-19 is making things that were previously challenging harder in many ways and adding new hurdles."
Read Dr. Saline's article on YourTango. Read the original blog post by Dr. Saline. 
Starting Tasks with ADHD: How to help kids and teens feel motivated to get the ball rolling!
Have you ever asked your teen with ADHD to start their homework--over and over--and, still, they don't sit down to do it? Even if they're failing the class, and it means they won’t be able to play on the basketball team? Even if it means that they won’t be able to go out on Friday night? It’s hard not to become immensely frustrated with their behavior at this point. But, most often, starting tasks with ADHD is challenging because they lack the motivation, either internal or external, that would get them going. How can you, as their parent, assist them in developing much-needed motivation?
Internal vs. External Motivation: Getting to the starting line
Let’s first reflect on ourselves and what helps us do things.
It’s easy to do something you like, whether it’s reading an engrossing novel or playing tennis on a sunny day. It is MUCH harder to do something that you don’t like, such as folding laundry or taking out the trash.
When a task is fundamentally unrewarding or uninteresting, we are not very compelled to do it. We lack internal motivation.
When a task doesn’t have meaningful deadlines or immediate consequences to get us started (i.e. your boss expects the report tomorrow), it lacks external motivation. In both cases, we have to find something to get us going, and neurotypical adult brains rely on fully matured frontal lobes to do so.
Why your child or teen with ADHD struggles to start tasks
Children and teens with ADHD have not yet developed the executive functioning skills to overcome poor focus, disinterest or boredom to get unpleasant tasks done. They often do not possess the strategies or solutions to address either internal or external motivation deficits. If something seems unappealing, they turn away from it--even if the consequences are serious.
Most kids have to rely on external rewards to rouse themselves. Internal motivation, and the satisfaction a person receives when a dreaded task is completed, comes later– in early adulthood. So children and teens need help from adults in their lives to create external rewards that are both meaningful and encouraging.
3 simple steps to get your child with ADHD feeling MOTIVATED:
1. Talk about the concept of external motivation
Most ADHD children and teens will acknowledge when they struggle with focusing and what tasks lack inherent interest or value for them. Ask what has assisted them in doing such things in the past and what would entice them to do them now.
2. Decide in advance with your child what the rewards will be for finishing something that is difficult to do
For example, if your son finishes his history project on time, maybe he can go out for pizza with his friends. Or, if he works for 30 minutes, he can earn 10 minutes of social media or music time.
Do not remove the agreed upon reward if he engages in a separate behavior that you don’t like. If he earned the reward for doing the agreed-upon activity, then he should have it.
3. Break the task down
Remember: Most ADHD kids and teens have a great deal of difficulty starting something unpleasant because the task seems too large. Break it down into smaller components with timed rest periods during which your child or teen can engage in a desired activity.
Putting it all into practice: Helping your kid with ADHD start tasks -- without the arguments.
Let’s say, for example, your 12 year old daughter’s room is a mess. It's been in this state for a few weeks now, and you're anxiously waiting for her to at least get started on cleaning it up.
Your perspective:
Now, as an experienced adult who has cleaned many rooms in your lifetime, you can easily see what needs to get done--especially if you're neurotypical. You can quickly imagine an order in which she could complete the steps and about how long each task would take.
You can also imagine the final product: a beautiful, comfortable and welcoming bedroom. It's a delightful, desirable, intrinsically motivating outcome that would keep you pushing through the tedious tasks of cleaning and organizing.
Your daughter's perspective:
Your neurodivergent daughter, on the other hand, doesn't see the task of cleaning her room from your perspective. She has a harder time seeing the project in small steps and is immediately overwhelmed with the thought of starting anywhere.
It seems like there's too much to handle because there's more than she can tackle at one time. She's having a hard time seeing the smaller steps involved that she could work on here and there. She's also struggling to imagine organizing her room more efficiently. With school books to read, friendships to grow and soccer games to win, she's not focusing on a cleaning project that involves more internal motivation than external.
Step 1: Before approaching her about your concern, ask yourself it it's the right time.
Are you going to push the topic because of your discomfort of walking by a messy room, or because you think a more organized room would genuinely help her?
Is she is the right headspace to consider tackling her room? For instance, it wouldn't be best to bring up the topic during a day that she's feeling stressed about an upcoming exam. And, even if you're familiar with the mood-boosting effects cleaning and organizing can bring, don't ask her to focus on cleaning her room when she's in a low mood after a disagreement with a friend. Unless they know they enjoy cleaning, another activity would be more comforting in that moment. For someone who has ADHD, feeling physically, mentally or emotionally drained will only make it more difficult for them to engage their executive functioning skillset.
Step 2: Bring up your concern, and listen to her side of the story, too.
Sit down with your daughter and discuss your concern with her bedroom. Ask her how she feels about it. Does it bother her? Does she have a method of organization that works for her, even if you don't understand it? Help her understand the potential benefits of a clean, inviting room; for herself, her guests and your family. See if she feels a difference between walking into a clean room (you can use yours as an example) and a disorganized room.
Step 3: Brainstorm a plan and solutions to any organizational changes that need to be addressed.
If she's feeling stuck with where to start, write a list of the smaller steps that make up the project as a whole. Ask if there are ways you can help reorganize her room. Is it time for a bigger bookshelf? Can you offer a trip to the local donation center to drop off some old clothes and free up more space in her closet?
Step 4: Build on external motivation.
Rather than promising more items that will only add to the organization project, perhaps plan a fun weekend outing together when you can drop off the clothes. You can pick up some ice cream or stop by their cousin's house for a visit. What is an activity that she'll genuinely enjoy, and perhaps help you both connect more positively?
Step 5: Plan how long you'll tackle each step.
Think realistically together about how long she can actually work before she gets distracted. Let’s say, 20 minutes. Set up three 20 minute work periods with 5 minute movement, snack or bathroom breaks.
Remember, your child or teen might need help figuring out where to begin, or they might want you to stay in their room to help guide them through the process. Your skills, ideas and encouragement can be a key to their success! Good luck with your efforts, and let's get started!!
Read more blog posts:
- Planning and Prioritizing Practices for ADHD Brains: What’s the plan, and when do you start?!
- Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
- ADHD and Motivation: How stress reduces productivity and what you can do about it
Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline's YouTube Channel:
-
- Initiating and Completing Tasks with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
- Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
- 4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)
Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Totto Learning: Are you worried your child has ADHD? Here are the next steps.
Hear how Dr. Sharon Saline explains what the first few steps as a parent you can do if you are worried that your child has ADHD and learn best practices for better parenting. - Totto Learning. Watch the video: [embed]https://youtu.be/ADj4Dyu2Xcc[/embed] 
Totto Learning: Symptoms of ADHD in Children
Dr. Sharon Saline discuss symptoms of ADHD in children with Totto Learning. Watch the video: [embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6bTAhfWkUI[/embed] 
22 News Mass Appeal: Know the bullying warning signs
(Mass Appeal) – Every kid will experience some type of bullying in their childhood. Today on Mass Appeal, we discuss what you should be aware of for warning signs and what you can do to stop and prevent it. Clinical psychologist, Dr. Sharon Saline, breaks down the important facts to know. Originally broadcasted here at wwlp.com. 
Planning and Prioritizing Practices for ADHD Brains: What's the plan, and when do you start?!
Does it ever seem like you have way too much to do, and every task looks equally important and daunting? Many kids and adults with ADHD struggle to figure out what the order of doing things should look like and how to get started. This contributes to the common experience of feeling overwhelmed. There often needs to be a crisis or something unpleasant will occur if you don’t do the task right now. Planning and prioritizing are executive functions that are closely related to organization, time management and initiation. However, these skills can be improved individually, and here are some practices to help get you started.
The Core Principles of Prioritizing
Before learning techniques to help you (and your kids) decide what to do, in which order and when to begin, let’s look at the fundamental principles of prioritizing: urgency and importance. Urgent tasks cause us to react immediately and stop whatever else we are doing to attend to them. Urgency reflects a time pressure or a deadline. Important tasks represent the significance we attribute to something. They also reflect our life values and guide us towards our purpose and goals.
How we prioritize things, and understand their relevance, depends on two connected factors:
-
-
- The first revolves around when something needs to be accomplished and why it needs to be accomplished, based on what we know about it.
- The second factor involves emotion: our brain calls up any conscious or unconscious memories about this task (or something like it) from our lived experience. The feelings that go with these memories contribute to how we rate the significance of the task, its interest to us and its inherent rewards.
-
When we are faced with prioritizing activities, these two factors work together to engage or bore us.
Urgent and Important: Learning the Eisenhower Matrix
The Eisenhower Matrix was developed my President Dwight D. Eisenhower to assist him in choosing which of the many tasks to focus on each day and make difficult decisions. This matrix can be very useful to folks living with ADHD as a tool to help them think about the ways that they prioritize certain items while putting others off.
Here is my adaptation of The Eisenhower Matrix:
-
- Quadrant 1: Spending time in Q1 means living in crisis mode. Many kids and adults with ADHD live here or put things off until they wind up with emergencies. The intensity of urgency and importance helps motivate them to get things done, but they wind up with lots of stress.
- Quadrant 2: Time in Q2 feels like being in the flow; you are setting goals for yourself, making plans and following through.
- Quadrant 3: When you struggle with managing interruptions and setting boundaries, you probably spend time in Q3.
- Quadrant 4: Q4 is the home of distractions--everything you do to avoid the task at hand.
Spend time reflecting on the following questions:
- Where do you spend your time? - In which quadrant does your child or teen hang out? - How can you spend more time in Q2 and less time in Q1 and Q4?
To improve the ability to prioritize, we have to strengthen our capacity to determine time pressures (deadlines); schedule plans, work, homework, personal projects, chores and errands, and then reasonably estimate how long something will take and rely on a system of organization. Then, you’ll have to break tasks down into small enough, bite-sized chunks to get started on them. This typically means using the exact executive functioning skills that are naturally challenging for ADHD brains.
4 Steps To Approach Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD:
1. Do a brain dump:
Many folks with ADHD attempt to hold all of their to-do items in their head or write them on several pieces of paper which they then cannot find. Centralize this process. Pick one location for your lists: your phone, your computer or iPad or a notebook. Sit down and take two deep breaths: breathe in for 4, hold for 4 and breathe out for 6. Now, write down everything you can recall that you need to do. You probably won’t get everything in one sitting--that’s fine. You can come back and add things as necessary.
2. Assign time and importance values to your tasks:
Pick a time value (when is this due?) and an importance value (how critical or significant is this?) for each of these items in order to prioritize them. This is where most kids and adults with ADHD get stuck. Everything seems equally critical, unless there’s a real emergency that’s pressing. I’ve created this chart with some examples to help you create your own. You can also use Post-it notes to help you move things around and schedule them.
| TASK | DUE DATE | SIGNIFICANCE | PRIORITY NUMBER |
| Laundry | None | I have no clean socks | 2 |
| Work Report/History Project | Friday - in 2 days | Performance/50% grade | 1 |
| Making dentist appointment | Haven’t had a teeth cleaning in 2 years | Cavities, gum disease or other concerns | 3 |
To decide the priority number, ask yourself these questions:
- What will happen if I don’t do this? - What will happen if I do this? - Which task am I leaning towards avoiding?
The more you don’t want to do something, the more likely that it’s important to start. These answers are usually very personal. Some people might rank making the dental appointment over the socks and will wear a used pair again. For me, I prefer clean socks and I can make the dental appointment when I’ve started the laundry.
3. Make an accountability buddy, or be a body double:
It’s usually easier to determine your priorities when you have support. Having someone to discuss ideas with or talk through urgent and important issues can be extremely helpful to kids and adults with ADHD. Planning and prioritizing are executive functioning skills that really benefit from direct instruction, so having another person there to assist you is essential.
As adults, think about a friend or family member who can support you as you do the laundry, clean up the kitchen or break down the steps to approach your work report. With kids, you are that buddy.
Become a body double: sit with them while they pick up their clothes from the floor and fold the clean stuff. Or, review their brain dump and talk through how to choose where to start.
4. Be patient and persistent:
Planning and prioritizing on a regular basis takes practice and time. Expect to stumble and feel frustrated. This is a tough skill to learn and practice makes progress! Most people, with and without ADHD, struggle with this skill so be kind to yourself and compassionate with your kids as you embark on improving it.
Read more blog posts:
- Teens, ADHD and Procrastination
- Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
- Perfectionism and ADHD: Why 'good enough' is better than perfect
Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline's YouTube Channel:
- Initiating and Completing Tasks with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
- Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
- 4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)
Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
YourTango: 3 Steps To Achieve Tone Of Voice Awareness In Neurodiverse Families So All Members Are Comfortable And Safe
Click here to read Dr. Saline's article on YourTango. Click here to read the original blog post by Dr. Saline.
The Local Moms Network - The Pandemic & ADHD: Why More Moms Are Being Diagnosed
Cooling Down Conversations in Neurodiverse Families: De-escalate and do-over with 'WAIT-Now' and 'Take Back of the Day'
Have you ever said something to your child or teen that you wished you could take back? In the heat of the moment, it’s all too easy to let our emotions take over instead of choosing our words carefully. Most parents lose their cool at one time or another. Similarly, many neurodiverse kids and teens who struggle with impulsivity and self-regulation can say things they wish they hadn’t. Cooling down conversations once they've heated up doesn't come easy for most people. Jesse, age 14, told me: “Sometimes I interrupt too much. I can reign it in if I need to, but I’m not always aware that I’m doing it.” We all have said the wrong thing during a stressful conversation, instantly regretted it, and wished for a “do-over” button. That’s why I created two tools to help you and your family better manage escalations and improve communication.
Cooling Down Conversations with Two Main Strategies
The WAIT-Now method helps you and your child take that needed pause to reconsider what you’re saying, why you’re saying it, and how you might be able to express yourself differently. Instead of blowing your cool and regretting it later, you’ll practice regaining control of the conversation, staying calm and communicating more effectively. If and when something regrettable is said, Take Back of the Day allows everyone in the family one opportunity to take it back, reconsider it, offer an apology if desired and restate what was on their mind. Family members accept this offering, practice forgiveness, and move on past the friction. Let’s take a closer look at each of these tools and how to apply them.
De-escalate with the "WAIT-Now" method
The WAIT-Now Method stands for: "Why Am I Talking Now?" It is an approach that teaches self-control by focusing on self-evaluation (metacognition).
How it works:
Rather than giving in to your automatic response in a tense or uncomfortable situation with your kids, you de-escalate by actively telling yourself to WAIT. Notice what you are saying to your child or teen, how they are responding and where the conversation is headed. 
If it’s going downhill, pause and ask yourself these questions:
-
- Why am I talking now?
- Do I need to be saying this?
- Is this a one-way lecture or a two-way conversation?
How do we notice what’s going on with the other person in the conversation What are the signs that someone is paying attention to you or has drifted off? By slowing down to self-reflect, you become better equipped to manage the situation and respond to your child’s needs at that moment. Cooling down conversations relieves the tension so you can listen and respond more intentionally. Moreover, WAIT-Now offers you an opportunity to demonstrate, model, and teach your child how to think through choices about what they say and when they say it.
Why it helps:
Many children, especially neurodiverse kids, struggle with communicating, managing their emotions and picking up social cues. We, as their loving parents, must guide them toward better outcomes, teaching them by example. As children move into adolescence, stress, conflict, and anxiety become more common. Teens experiment and try new things, learning what works for them and what doesn’t along the way. They vacillate between pushing parents away and then relying on them. It’s confusing for everyone, and often results in a terrain of emotional minefields. The bottom line is that neurodiverse kids with executive functioning challenges, just like kids without them, want to feel heard. In fact, they seek this more often than they want solutions. They lash out at you because you are a safe arena to express their frustration. The WAIT-Now Method helps enable our children to manage their own big emotions. It fosters a more peaceful, constructive and mutually-respectful environment for your family.
The WAIT-Now method is for the whole family.
Teaching WAIT-Now starts with a calm conversation with your child or teen. Explain what it is and why it’s a technique worth trying. Emphasize that this is something your whole family can work on, parents and children alike. When we frame a new experience or approach in a way which highlights the benefits for our child or teen, they are more likely to be receptive. 
Here’s the tough part for parents: We need to practice this skill set so our kids can feel what it is like to receive it.
Kids who shut down during an argument because they feel lectured or nagged are demonstrating important things: overwhelm and exclusion. Cooling down these conversations is just as important as calming ones fueled with anger. Their shutting down behaviors show that they can’t take in any more information, or they sense that their input doesn’t matter. When you see these signs, pause and assess why you are talking. Should you say everything you are thinking? Listen to your kids and reflect back what you hear them say. This is typically a more effective intervention than telling them what to do. It honors who they are and what makes sense to them. It shows you are attuned to their needs and goes a long way in building trust and closeness between parent and child.
Take back and try again with a "Take Back of the Day"
You can build upon WAIT-Now by establishing a practice I call "Take Back of the Day." You get one do-over, and take back something you regret saying.
How it works:
Model for your children how to admit to your mistakes and how to move forward with care and grace. Apologize if need be, and offer up a different approach or more carefully chosen words. We all do or say the wrong thing now and again, and taking responsibility for our failings is a crucial life skill. Show your child how to recover from hurtful words or actions in a loving and respectful manner. When you practice and teach the WAIT-Now method and its companion, Take Back of the Day, you empower your child to learn to monitor and express themselves differently. Cooling down heated conversations will come easier for all of you. WAIT-Now and Take Back of the Day foster the listening, compassion and engagement neurodiverse kids and their families need to live with more closeness and better communication.
Read more blog posts:
- Tone of Voice Awareness in Neurodiverse Families: How to practice self-regulation in family conflicts
- ADHD and Anger: Tools for Reducing Family Conflict by Starting with Yourself
- Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Mediate Sibling Relationships Complicated by ADHD
Watch on YouTube:
- ADHD and Oppositional Defiance (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- Anger Management with ADHD (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)
Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/apologies/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Tone of Voice Awareness in Neurodiverse Families: How to practice self-regulation in family conflicts
Neurodiverse families often struggle with emotional reactivity and verbal impulse control. Negative feelings and unpleasant words can intensify in the blink of an eye. Still, when the moments arise, it's hard enough to calm down your own emotions -- let alone the emotions of your child, teen or partner. Where do you even start? When that tone of voice (the one you're all too familiar with) enters the picture, you can use the quick and direct steps of "T.O.V." to help initiate a process of self-reflection and self-regulation for your family and yourself. Tone of voice awareness takes practice, but it's a skill that will improve family communication and connections for years to come.
Family conflict: A familiar story
You are almost finished cooking dinner, a meal you've been planning since your last shopping trip a few days ago. You made sure to plan a meal that the whole family can enjoy, taking into account your son's eating specifications. Everyone has had a rough week transitioning back into school mode. On top of that, work has been a bit overwhelming. You've been dealing with headaches on and off, and are ready for some quiet time. You have been looking forward to this meal all week, if not only to have some quality time with your family. You go to pull the roast out of the oven and call the kids in to help prepare the table. Your daughter comes in and begins to work with place settings. You call your son in - for the third time - and he stomps in, muttering about how he wasn't able to finish the level in his video game. 
You remind him he has plenty of time after dinner to wrap up his game and save it. In the middle of your sentence, you hear a commotion, high-pitched screech. You turn, and the kids are going at it. "She took my favorite cup!" he yells. They begin to chase each other around the kitchen.
You huff as you try to get the food from your prep station to the table without tripping over them. "If you had come in to help when I first called, you could have chosen your favorite cup." "It's not fair!" he screams, and hits his fist on the table, scattering silverware and causing a side dish to fall. Your heart rate spikes, your face flushes. You want to scream, but you know you have to set a good example. Your headache increases in intensity.
How did your easygoing family evening escalate into this?
Why can't your son use another of your many drinking glasses? When will he learn to modulate how he expresses himself and be more cooperative? Why did you allow yourself to be upset by him in the first place? You're aware that impulsivity and emotional dysregulation are challenges for your neurodiverse family. And yet, here you are again, ready to pull your hair out.
Enter: Tone Of Voice Awareness
So often, neurodivergent kids aren't really aware of how they say things. They might have difficult understanding how what they say (and how they say it) can affect others. They might need guidance learning how to slow down and reflect on what they just expressed. But, since they are often sensitive to criticism, direct feedback can frequently backfire. Discussing the impact of their tone of voice allows your child - and your entire family - to reflect for themselves on how they can say something in a more impactful way. It also allows them to have more tone of voice awareness around their thoughts before they communicate them. Incorporating T.O.V. allows kids to practice several skills simultaneously: emotional regulation, verbal and behavioral impulse control, planning, shifting and personal insight (metacognition). So, where does this lesson start?
How to improve tone of voice (T.O.V.) awareness for more effective family communication
Step 1: Introduce the concept naturally.
Introducing T.O.V. won't be very helpful unless it is introduced at a time when everyone is willing to listen and learn. In a calm moment, you explain to your neurodivergent child or teen that sometimes everyone needs help with improving tone of voice awareness and learning how their words and their tone of voice affect others.
If you have multiple children, it is important to include everyone in the conversation. This will make everyone feel like they are an equal part of the conversation, and will keep you from singling anyone out. Let them know that you will be saying "T.O.V." out loud when you think they should reflect on how they are speaking to someone. Allow them a minute or two to practice their tone of voice awareness and pivot how they are speaking. Encourage them to try again.
Step 2: Be prepared that it might not always work immediately.
If your child or teen can't manage their emotions enough to change their communication style, then encourage a timed break. Allow them - and yourself - personal space to breathe and regroup. Many times, a 10-15 minute break is all it takes. But be prepared for it to take a little longer, depending on everyone's headspace.
Step 3: Be willing to forgive and move on.
When your child or teen is successful in practicing tone of voice awareness and adjusts how they are speaking to you, your job is to appreciate their efforts, accept their attitude adjustment, and move forward. Positive steps in the right direction include speaking slower or quieter and using more polite, less aggressive, language. Let them know how much their attitude adjustment means to you. Positive reinforcement is very important, especially in any child/adult relationship.
Remember, T.O.V. is a tool for everyone.
As much as you may be using "T.O.V." to help improve your child's communication efforts, you need to know your kids could call you out, too! How you respond to this is incredibly important. A good approach is to acknowledge your feelings, or laugh and admit that you are also capable of messing up. While you don't want to create an environment where everyone is calling out "T.O.V." constantly, you do want to lead by example in combative situations, and take the opportunity to practice tone of voice awareness for yourself! Be selective when you use it, and they will be encouraged to do so as well. More than anything, it's important to realize that everyone is human. You can only react to things as your mood allows, and making sure you set everyone up with the proper tools to learn and grow through the aggressive moments can be very impactful.
Read more blog posts:
- Cooling Down Conversations in Neurodiverse Families: De-escalate and Do-over with 'WAIT-Now' and 'Take Back of the Day'
- ADHD and Defiance during COVID: What can you do instead of yelling?
- Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Mediate Sibling Relationships Complicated by ADHD
Watch on YouTube:
- ADHD and Oppositional Defiance (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- Anger Management with ADHD (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)
https://drsharonsaline.com/product/managing-technology-families-video/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
Projects can be difficult. Whether you're putting off a project, or just slugging through each part of it over the course of what seems like months, a new undertaking can really drain you. No matter how small a project, or how large a task, we have all experienced anxiety around completing something, especially if we or a loved one have ADHD. Fortunately, personal project planners can really help to diminish the overwhelm. The goal of using any planner is to provide structure for planning, prioritizing, and sequencing aspects of executive functioning skills. These are the processes that get you from the beginning to the end of a task. Different types of forms or personal project planners can make a task feel manageable. Here is why.
Beginning tasks can feel impossible, but creative planners can make them fun!
Starting a new task is challenging for everyone on some level. Whether it feels unpleasant or potentially problematic plays a huge role in the amount of energy a task requires. Simple tasks often feel impossible to people with ADHD. Creating steps to move it along, and then completing them can be challenging for people with executive functioning deficits. Having a formula for success can be important, and a personal project planner can do that. While spontaneity is important (and fun) from time to time, it is important to maintain a routine to set expectations and build good habits. This is important for tasks too. Routines offer organization and predictability to kids with ADHD. They comfort them, even if it sometimes seems counter-intuitive. Different designs might spark creativity in some minds, a simple design might feel less chaotic.
Switching from one task to another can be less daunting with personal project planners.
Kids and adults with ADHD often get overwhelmed when they’re asked to stop one activity and start another. Shifting from one task to another involves executive functioning skills - such as impulse control, cognitive flexibility and organization -that might not come naturally to them. Knowing how to wrap up where they are in a project, remembering where they’re leaving off so they know how to begin again when it’s time to return, and moving onto something new can be incredibly challenging. Having a planner handy to write down tasks, notes and times can help you keep track of where you are and what's next.
Hyperfocus can make tasks more difficult, especially without a schedule.
Many people with ADHD experience hyperfocus, and it can be a very helpful trait for learning, creativity and productivity. It can, however, be detrimental in certain circumstances. While hyperfocusing on a project or activity can lead to great results, it can also make achieving tasks even tougher because of a lack of awareness of how time passes. Think about how time goes fast when you’re having fun, but at a higher level. No matter how many warnings your parent might give, having to stop a computer game or playing hoops with your neighbor to do chores can still come as a shock. Even stopping a task to start another one you think is fun can take time to process. Having a planner to work with can give the mind an easy outline of the tasks ahead. In addition, it offers space to journal out anything that might help you transition into a new thought pattern.
Personal project planners make tasks easier to understand.
Many people with ADHD are visual learners, and learning quirks will happen. Even if the task has been explained thoroughly, and in a way that the person understands, there is often worry and other, perhaps more compulsive, thoughts that can overshadow understanding. Often, scenarios and projects are not explained clearly either. Sometimes all it takes is a quick YouTube tutorial searched online to help you clarify. However, personal project planners give you a space to write notes about the task or draw photos in a way that everyone can understand. No matter what, make sure to engage with the material in a way that suits your particular situation.
Create your own personal project planner
Whether you choose to devote yourself to a working spreadsheet on the computer, your tasking is available in an app, or you invest in paper planners, there is an option for everyone who's interested. (Isn't it great that they make to-do lists and project planners specific to tasks in addition to scheduling planners? And that they're available at almost every retail shop around?) Here is how you can create your own forms that suit your and/or your child’s specific management skills. This will require some - perhaps difficult - effort in the beginning, but it will definitely yield results. My favorite method is a simple but effective form I have used over the years:
1. Gather a pen and a journal or a piece of paper.
2. Choose the topic or task and write that on the top of the paper.
3. Make a grid with 3 vertical columns and several horizontal rows. Label the three columns “Possibilities, Pros, Cons.”
It should look like this:
4. Put any ideas about the project in the possibilities column. Follow this with what you consider good and/or bad about that idea.
For example, if the task is organizing items in the basement, the possibilities list might range from “taking everything to the dump” to “getting rid of anything that I haven’t used in 5 years.”
5. Create the sequential steps needed to accomplish the task using another grid. This grid will have 5 vertical columns and several horizontal rows. Use the labels suggested below, OR create your own!
Make as many numbered rows as required to finish the project, and make the actions as specific as possible. Estimate the time it takes to do a step and then compare that guess with the time that passes. This will help to improve those all-important time management skills as well!
Keep in mind, some people might prefer to have a "Notes" column or journaling area, so that they can work through emotions. This can help them to perhaps explain what they loved or didn't love about communication around the task and what they had to do. This can help everyone stay informed for the next time an opportunity like this comes up! Many kids and adults with ADHD struggle with maintaining structure and practice of task management. However, I have found that my clients ultimately embrace organization tools like personal project planners. Many find them extremely helpful! These “roadmaps” reduce anxiety, clarify goals and build confidence as activities are completed. 
Read more blog posts:
- Feeling overwhelmed by something? Break it down!
- ADHD and Motivation: How stress reduces productivity and what you can do about it
- 5 Tips to Uplevel Your Spring Cleaning and Decluttering
Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline's YouTube Channel:
- Initiating and Completing Tasks with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
- Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
- 4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)
Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
22 News Mass Appeal: Planning successful summer outings with neurodiverse children
YourTango: Back To School With ADHD And COVID Uncertainty (Again) - Reprinted
Click here to read Dr. Saline's article on YourTango. Click here to read the original blog post by Dr. Saline.
College Opensource - Female Students with ADHD: How IECs Can Help
