Psychology Today: ADHD and Self-Awareness

How to improve metacognition and nurture resilience.

"Do you ever struggle with evaluating how you are doing in real-time and pivoting appropriately? Metacognition, also known as self-awareness, is a key executive functioning skill that coalesces in the late twenties for people with ADHD. It refers to processes related to understanding your thinking and thought processes to improve learning and performance. It’s a way to think about your thinking." Read the full article by Dr. Saline!

Intrepid Ed News - Improve your student’s study and work habits: Using my GRIT method

"Does it ever seem like once your child or teen gets started on a project that they struggle to sustain their interest and complete it? Sustained-attention and goal-directed persistence are two key executive functioning skills that work together to help a student cross the finish line. Sustained attention refers to the ability to maintain focus and extended efforts over time..."

Click here to read the article.

ADHD Hyperfocus: How to manage this double-edged sword for your health and productivity

Are you ever so engrossed in an activity that time seems to stop and nothing can tear you away? Does it ever seem like you lose sense of where you are and what’s happening around you? This can be the experience of hyperfocus for many people with ADHD. Hyperfocus is defined as “a phenomenon that reflects one’s complete absorption in a task, to a point where a person appears to completely ignore or ‘tune out’ everything else.” Hyperfocus frequently occurs during a fun or interesting activity, and it often crops up without conscious intent. Your concentration is captivated by something, and, although your attention can be channeled into have-to tasks, it can be drawn towards unproductive, procrastinating activities, too. That’s part of what makes it both exhilarating and frustrating.

Hyperfocus: A double-edged sword

Many people with ADHD see hyperfocus as a superpower: it’s a state of mind that fosters unusual productivity through total absorption in a task. But some folks also see it as a weakness: it accounts for vast periods of time spent on distractions to dodge unpleasant responsibilities. Hyperfocus, it seems, is a double-edged sword: a great capacity for effective performance on interesting, high-value tasks on the one side, and a great capacity for avoiding things by disappearing into pleasurable distractions on the other. By nurturing executive functioning skills such as prioritization, time management and self-awareness, you can harness the power of your hyperfocus more efficiently. 

Self-Awareness During Hyperfocus

Being aware of where you are directing your attention, and for how long, is an important step in addressing hyperfocus. Focus is a dynamic process of choosing what is critical to notice, attempt or recall. Where you direct your focus is akin to pointing the spotlight of your attention on something. Hyperfocus is an amplified type of focus, where you can be totally captivated on something until you are interrupted or just lose interest. Many folks with ADHD may not notice when the hyperfocus episode begins but become aware when they return from it. Perhaps this happens to you: you’re not sure where the time went, and you don’t really have a plan for re-entry or catching up. You can cope with these moments of disorientation by learning to be as intentional about what you’re not going to concentrate on as what you are going to do.

Recognizing States of Focus and Distraction

To improve any type of focus, begin to notice where it is and where it isn’t. This is more difficult than it sounds, and, when somebody is stressed, anxious or depressed, it’s even tougher. Marla, a twenty year old sophomore in college who struggled with panic attacks, complained to me about her required writing course and her distractability: “It’s boring, I hate writing, and the teacher has a monotonous voice that puts me to sleep. I pay attention to any little thing except what’s going on and then, when he calls on me, I am totally lost and embarrassed.” I asked her to make a list of things that distracted her in that class and to bring it to my office for the next session. She reported that, just by noticing where her attention went, she was able to bring herself back to the class discussion more often, and even made a few relevant comments. Paying attention to where your attention goes is similarly effective in handling hyperfocus episodes.

The Unhealthy Costs of Hyperfocus

The experience of hyperfocus differs widely from person to person, because it vacillates from being a helpful tool for productivity and an effective way to escape. Self-care activities such as eating, drinking and using the bathroom may be postponed for hours, resulting in low blood sugar, irritability and fatigue.

Kieran, age 25, says: “Hyperfocus is confusing. It’s the only time when I get to be more productive at work than anybody else. I can do more in three hours than my neurotypical colleagues get done in twice that time. But, at home, sometimes I zone out while gaming and forget to check my phone for texts or even go to sleep. Then, I’m exhausted the next day.”

Ellie, age 40, explains the value and challenges of hyperfocus: “Hyperfocus is the only time that I feel truly alive. My brain is fully engaged, 100%, time stops, and I’m flying along. But my partner or my co-workers have to poke me in the arm to remind me about lunch or a big meeting. At the end of a good day, with a lot accomplished, I can feel quite energized.”

Change Takes Practice

Although you may finish tasks, some aspects of hyperfocus do not foster healthy productivity. This can be challenging for kids, teens and adults who experience hyperfocus. However, tools for coping with hyperfocus and managing it more mindfully can improve with practice and experience. Michayla, age 33, has learned how to manage hyperfocus better as she has gotten older: “Hyperfocus is when I can do a single task without getting distracted and think only about it. But I also lose touch with my body and don’t notice that I’m hungry, thirsty or need to use the bathroom. As a child, I had so many bladder infections because I never stopped to go to the bathroom. On my home videos, I always have this little pink liquid and a straw with me. It's an antibiotic. That’s how many bladder infections I had. Now, I stop to go to the bathroom, have a drink or eat something so I don’t get dizzy.” 

Flow vs. Hyperfocus: Related, but not the same

Everybody experiences flow states at one time or another that are triggered by internal motivation and external situations. These flow states–often called ‘being in the zone,’ refer to heightened intuition and performance, where decisions happen automatically and creative breakthroughs occur. They are positive, desirable and can be cultivated and planned for. Hyperfocus, on the other hand, is typically experienced by people with ADHD and stems from challenges with handling the direction of focus and the depth of attention. Hyperfocus is more unpredictable, it appears intermittently, and it's usefulness varies. When hyperfocus is helpful, it’s usually because somebody has entered into a temporary flow state. If you can identify the difference between your personal states of flow and hyperfocus, you're more likely to optimize your productivity.

4 Tips to Help Adults Better Manage Their Hyperfocus:

1. Identify and investigate:

Learn more about your pattern of hyperfocus by increasing self-awareness.

• • What does hyperfocus look like for you?
  • How long does it occur?
  • Do you neglect self-care?
  • How do you respond to interruptions?

Notice when you tend to engage in hyperfocus by examining the situation, the environment and your motivation. Are you focusing on an interesting task or avoiding something unappealing? This type of reflection will increase your capacity for metacognition, helping you monitor when hyperfocus takes over. Thoughtful self-evaluation will also help you take action to exit from an episode.

2. Plan and prioritize:

Do a brain dump of all of the tasks in front of you for the day or the week. Then, make another, shorter list where you order the tasks in terms of urgency (do it now because of a deadline) or importance (value and satisfaction with less pressure). Then, break down your day into blocks of time, and assign the urgent tasks first, followed by the important ones. Limit the quantity of the tasks into each block of time so you can reach your goals and feel accomplishment. You can limit the number of tasks by flagging the ones that can be rolled over into tomorrow.

3. Improve time management practices:

Use tools to increase your awareness of time and how it passes. Set up several alerts, using a variety of tools–your phone, your computer, banners across the screen, analog clocks or timers. Work in intervals with planned, structured breaks to keep yourself on track and limit the negative aspects of hyperfocus.

4. Find an accountability buddy:

You don’t have to address the challenging, over-absorbing aspects of hyperfocus alone! Instead, ask someone in your life to check in with you at times when you are prone to hyperfocus. It could be a family member, friend, colleague, or someone you met at an ADHD support group. This can help you break up these hyperfocus periods. If this person also has ADHD, you can support each other with this practice. Helping somebody else with their hyperfocus can assist you with your own focus regulation as well.

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Read more blog posts:

• Recognizing Inattentive ADHD: The 5 Most Overlooked Signs and Helpful Tips for Living with Them
• ADHD and Metacognition: Learning to reflect on your thoughts and experiences with a growth mindset
• Planning and Prioritizing Practices for ADHD Brains: What’s the plan, and when do you start?!

Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:

• The Pros and Cons of Hyperfocus (ADHD Support Group / Q&A)
• ADHD and Metacognition – Executive Functioning Support (ADHD Support Group / Q&A)

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ADHD Essentials Podcast: Managing Lingering Pandemic Anxiety with Dr. Sharon Saline

Dr. Sharon Saline joins Brendan Mahan, M.Ed., M.S. on the ADHD Essentials Podcast!

"In this episode, Dr. Saline and [Brendan] talk about the effects of the pandemic on children and families. We discuss the data on mental health pre- and post-pandemic, moral injury, the effect it is having on social skills, and ways to manage the anxiety we're all experiencing." Listen to the episode below, or click here to listen at adhdessentials.podbean.com.

Psychology Today: 3 Steps for Lowering Stress With ADHD

How to create more calm in 2022.

"If you are tired of feeling so much stress in your life, the start of a new year and pressures to create resolutions may only add more tension. These promises for a "better" 2022 often fail because people with ADHD aim for too much change, set unrealistic expectations about performance, and struggle with how to follow through on their goals. Instead of helping, your goals end up being frustrating: They demonstrate yet another way that you can’t measure up and simply add more tension to your days." Read the full article by Dr. Saline!

Recognizing Inattentive ADHD: The 5 Most Overlooked Signs and Helpful Tips for Living with Them

Inattentive ADHD is one of three types of ADHD (hyperactive-impulsive and combination are the other two types). It is often characterized by difficulties in keeping focused, staying organized and following directions or conversations. These experiences may lead to a sustained pattern of losing things, careless mistakes, and mental fatigue. Unfortunately, these issues are often misunderstood as defiance, lack of comprehension, lower intelligence or laziness. But instead, inattentive ADHD interferes with daily functioning and contributes to increased levels of frustration and lower self-esteem. Therefore, it's important to be able to recognize signs of inattentive ADHD in a person of any age–kids and teens, for integrated support at an early age, but also adults who remain undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. So let's dive into understanding the inattentive ADHD diagnosis and experience, with a focus on five easy-to-miss signs and recommended tips to help you live easier with them.

Inattentive ADHD: Understanding the diagnosis

According to the DSM-5, a diagnosis of inattentive ADHD requires 6 or more symptoms of inattention in children up to age 16, and 5 or more symptoms for ages 17 or older. Symptoms such as difficulty listening, staying focused, or remembering things among others must present for 6 months or longer and differ from expected behaviors for peers of the same age. Common symptoms also include dreaminess, forgetfulness and difficulty paying attention to details. These issues must be chronic or long-lasting and not due to a situational influence or “one-off” experiences. Stress, sleep issues, anxiety and depression or other physical illness can all negatively affect attention and need to be ruled out with a professional evaluation before receiving an inattentive ADHD diagnosis.

Inattentive ADHD vs. non-ADHD inattention

Many people experience varying amounts of inattention in the course of their lives, but for folks with ADHD, inattention is more severe, lasts longer and negatively impacts their ability to perform well at work or school. It also interferes with how well they function socially, due to missing facial cues or parts of conversations. Because symptoms may change over time, and because there’s a wide range between mild/occasional inattention and a diagnosable issue, some signs of inattentive ADHD are easy to miss. The following are the 5 most overlooked signs of inattentive ADHD, as well as some strategies for managing them.

1. Difficulty completing tasks

Finishing projects, chores or homework often reflects a lack of focus or interest but has nothing at all to do with intelligence, laziness or disobedience. Instead, sticking with a task until it's completed reflects a true difficulty with attending to the work at hand, quickly reaching brain fatigue. and struggling with goal-oriented persistence. Low motivation for uninteresting tasks creates further obstacles and adds another layer of complication for getting things done.  

TIPS:

These strategies help both children and adults who struggle with sustained focus and perseverance:

• Try chunking tasks by breaking them down into small pieces. If it's still difficult to begin or pursue, then the task needs to be even smaller.
• Establish specific timed work periods with built-in timed breaks based on how long your child (or you) can concentrate before becoming distracted.
• Identify a preferred order of doing tasks. Is it starting with something easy to get going, then doing the hard thing and finishing with medium one? What tasks or subjects are easy, medium or hard?

2. Forgetfulness

Working memory challenges often result in missed appointments or meetings, turning in work or forgetting to do a chore or run an errands. They also make follow-through more difficult resulting in issues with showing up for school, personal or professional responsibilities. Ashamed and embarrassed, people who wrestle with forgetfulness may be labeled as 'stupid,' 'uncaring' or 'irresponsible' when they struggle with biologically-based problems with recall.

TIPS:

Instead of judging your memory challenges, accept them and engage supports:

• Use technology tools like alarms, notifications, texting, as well as post-its and to-do lists as reminders.
• Consider putting a laminated note in a backpack to remind your child or teen of what needs to be there.
• Use cues such as family calendars or daily responsibility lists/charts to guide kids and trigger their memory for what to do next. This also helps with improving organization and planning. 

3. Spaciness/distractedness

With an inattentive ADHD brain, you are easily pulled to think about something other than the task at hand. This is a common occurrence. Perhaps you get distracted by a “new shiny object,” the snow drifting outside of your window, or squeaking noise of the heater in your office. Your child may drift off into thoughts about lunch or playing a video game during their math exam. This tendency for distractedness makes it tougher to stay on point and complete the activities of daily living, homework or job responsibilities. Plus, many people with inattentive ADHD may process information more slowly than they actually comprehend it, making them feel perpetually behind and overwhelmed. It takes longer to sort through and digest information.

TIPS:

Slow things down and allow extra time for completing tasks:

• Improve accountability by using lists and reminders. Set alerts or banners to flash across your phone, iPad or computer to help you stay on task (or find an app to do this for you).
• Practice mindfulness with family (or individual) meditation or yoga to increase awareness about where attention is and where it is not.
• Create a coping strategy for the return from a mental drift to avoid panic and shame.

4. Trouble listening and/or following directions

Following instructions or tracking conversations can be tough for many kids and adults with inattentive ADHD. Whether there's an auditory processing issue, a working memory challenge or information overload, when someone is talking (visual, sensory and sound), it may seem like someone isn't listening, doesn't respond appropriately or can't stay present. They may drift off and then ask “what?” or say ”yes'' when no one asked a question. Paying attention in a class or meeting and being expected to take notes simultaneously may seem impossible with words and sentences omitted and replaced by doodles. These are not willful, oppositional behaviors, but rather signs that someone cannot effectively process or retain information.

TIPS:

• Use “The Rule of 3” when giving instructions to make sure you’ve been heard and understood. Repetition helps information move down the memory line and become imbedded.
• Set up mandated academic and ADA work supports, such as a note-taker, pre-recorded lectures or written copies of presentations and lessons. This makes listening about hearing what is said instead of adding another task such as writing to it.
• In a social situation, ask a buddy who understands ADHD and the tendency to drift to help with focus and fill in the gaps about something you missed. 

5. Disorganization

If you lose your keys or misplace a report or homework assignment, you are not alone. Difficulty keeping track of stuff is a frequent indicator of inattentive ADHD. When someone struggles with disorganization, they often feel overwhelmed, embarrassed and confused. Figuring out where to begin the process of categorizing, cleaning and tidying up can seem insurmountable, akin to climbing Mt. Everest.

TIPS:

• Follow my father's golden rule: Everything has a place. This used to drive me crazy as a kid but now I see the wisdom of his ways. Make a place for things and create organizational systems that you or your child can actually follow. Keep these simple, straightforward and logical to the ADHD brain. It may not make sense to anyone else, and that's fine!
• Create regular routines with specific steps for cleaning a bedroom or tidying up the living room, write them down and post them on the refrigerator. Don't rely on recall/memory to kick in and direct the show.
• Use incentives to provide motivation if necessary. Consider setting aside a particular time of day or day of the week just for organization, such as an evening clean sweep after dinner or a Saturday morning bedroom clean-up.

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Read more blog posts:

• ADHD Misconceptions: How to respond to 4 damaging false beliefs and assumptions about ADHD
• The Truth about ADHD in Girls, and 5 Ways You Can Help
• Celebrate ADHD Awareness Month by Accepting the Wonderful Uniqueness of Living with ADHD

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

• How Do I Support My Daughter with ADHD? | ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline
• Help Your Kid Overcome School Anxiety | Operation Parent Webinar with Dr. Saline
• How to Deal with & Educate ADHD Doubters | ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline

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Make New Friends and Keep the Old: How to nurture existing relationships and confidently form new ones

As the new year approaches, it’s a good time to look back on the previous year and set goals for the next. Reflecting on accomplishments motivates us to do more of the same and keep those good feelings coming. Acknowledging what didn’t work out is just as important, allowing us to learn from those experiences and make adjustments in the future. With the many ups and downs of the past 12 months, it’s important to start 2022 with a focus on positivity toward yourself and others. These days, it's more important than ever to nurture existing relationships and form new ones. When we prioritize self-growth and friendship, we feel stronger, more confident and more resilient. Let’s kick off the new year by setting some meaningful and achievable relationship goals.

Identifying and building on your strengths

Before you can develop stronger relationships, you need to feel good about yourself. Take some time for self-reflection, and write down what your identify as your qualities and strengths.

What is one trait you like most about yourself on which you could improve? Make nurturing and expanding this trait your goal for the upcoming year.

Think about the person you really want to be–whether it is braver, warmer, kinder, more authentic, more compassionate, a better listener–and focus on that. This is a good exercise to do with your children as well. Help them identify what they love about themselves and what they’re good at. Cheer them on, and encourage them to share their best qualities with others!

Be mindful, but don’t overdo it. Set a reasonable and achievable goal, and identify how you'll evaluate your progress. Keep a journal, or ask a friend to give you regular feedback. Finding a way to keep yourself accountable will help you stay on target toward achieving your goal.

Nurturing your relationships

Our emotional well-being depends on our abilities to develop and maintain strong bonds with others. Feeling connected and supported boosts our confidence and helps us ride out life’s bumps and bruises with more resilience. But a relationship will not grow without care. It’s a give-and-take process and needs nourishment to thrive. Fortunately, there are plenty of tried and true ways to nurture existing relationships and confidently form new ones.

Maintaining existing relationships

Make time to spend together.

Even with busy schedules and hectic lives, it’s important to carve out time to spend with family and friends. Those who know and love us most can best lift our spirits, comfort and guide us. So, seek out opportunities to be together as often as possible. Creating a regular or weekly dinnertime routine that works with your family's schedules is a great way to engage in regular check-ins. Invite your friend over for coffee, go for a walk with your sister, or take up a new art class with your partner. While you're at it, encourage your loved ones to do the same. Sharing an experience together deepens the relationship.

Stay in touch.

Whether it’s friends, family, coworkers or classmates, there are more opportunities to stay in touch now than ever before. If you’re unable to meet in person, be sure to call, text, email or video chat. The method is not as important as the action. Keep the bonds in your relationships strong by sharing what's happening in your life and staying up-to-date on what's going on with others. Send photos, exchange book recommendations or music playlists. When you can’t be together, stay connected in other ways.

Forming new friendships

Say 'yes.'

Accepting invitations to social gatherings is a great way to stay connected and meet new people. Although this may be tough for some, especially those who experience social anxiety, it’s worthwhile to nudge yourself outside of your comfort zone and give yourself the opportunity to interact with a variety of people. You may be pleasantly surprised by a new experience or an enjoyable conversation you didn’t expect to have!

Model this optimistic approach for your children, and be sure to leave a little room for flexibility. Some kids feel uncomfortable going to an unfamiliar house but would be fine inviting a new friend over. The goal is to create opportunities for new connection and grow relationships by saying 'yes' more often.

Initiate.

Is there someone whose company you enjoy but haven’t been able to spend time with? Maybe it’s someone with whom you’ve chatted in a group setting but would like to get to know better one-on-one. Or, perhaps it’s someone you recently met and would like to get to know. Moving past any fear of rejection, especially if you experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (which is common with ADHD), can be difficult. Take the first step toward relationship-building by initiating a conversation in whatever way feels most comfortable. Whether this becomes a new friendship or fizzles out, you will gain confidence and experience in the process.

When setting goals for the new year, set the tone with a positive, productive mindset. An optimistic approach will help you build confidence in yourself and in your relationships. Identify your strengths, and see if you can take them further or apply them to new situations. Nurture existing relationships and invest time in forming new ones. Be kind to yourself and know your limits. But make it a point to stretch yourself a little in order to grow and live a fulfilling and rewarding life.

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Read more blog posts:

• Tips for Neurodiverse Social Communication: Engaging in more enjoyable and effective conversations
• Family, Forgiveness and ADHD: Loving and letting go, during and beyond the holiday season
• Dinnertime for the Family with ADHD: How to make family meals more enjoyable for all

Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:

• ADHD and Social Anxiety | ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline

Shop handouts, seminars & more in Dr. Saline’s Store.

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Taking Control, The ADHD Podcast: The ADHD Therapy Experience with Dr. Sharon Saline

Dr. Sharon Saline joins Nikki Kinzer and Pete Wright on Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast!

"Have you ever tried talk therapy? It can be intimidating, learning to open yourself up to a stranger, but with the right therapist, it doesn’t have to be uncomfortable for long. We’re continuing our series on ADHD interventions with Dr. Sharon Saline, psychologist and ADHD specialist. She joins to talk to you, the therapy novice, about what you can expect from therapy, what you should expect from your relationship with your therapist, and how you can make the therapy relationship thrive in support of your ADHD." Listen to the episode below, or click here to listen at TakeControlADHD.com.

 

Tips for Neurodiverse Social Communication: Engaging in more enjoyable and effective conversations

Do you ever wish that you could pause time, take back something you said, and start over? Would you like to be someone who has quick comebacks in conversations, instead of thinking of something good to say 10 minutes later? The holiday season, now in full swing, comes with countless gatherings, celebrations, and–more often than not–the stresses of social interactions. Typical elements of conversation and communication can be tricky for people with ADHD or other neurodivergent individuals; they may interrupt or speak too quickly, space out unintentionally and miss key elements of a conversation, have difficulty processing information, or feel insecure about what they have to say. Learning some useful techniques for listening and speaking more effectively can help neurodivergent individuals improve their interpersonal skills and reduce social anxiety.

Social expectations vs. neurodivergent experiences

There’s a general assumption that all people are in complete control of their words, actions and emotions, and that everyone knows the unspoken, unwritten and often mysterious rules of social engagement. However, this doesn't account for neurodivergent experiences, strengths or challenges with communication. It also neglects to account for the effects that anxiety and depression can have on the body and mind during interactions.

Some neurodivergent people might prefer more direct communication. Others might prefer communicating through art or story. Many prefer social opportunities where they aren't pressured to make eye contact or sit still, or where they can easily take breaks and then join back in conversation. Just because neurodivergent people might approach social communication differently than a neurotypical person would, doesn't mean one approach is preferable over the other. Let's take a more compassionate approach and explore how we can all become more confident communicators.

Verbal and nonverbal communication

There are two types of communication: verbal and nonverbal. Verbal communication has to do with words we use to explicitly communicate an idea. Nonverbal communication is what we implicitly express through specific behaviors, body language and demeanor. Verbal communication can be difficult enough on its own, but when we also need to track nonverbal queues, like posture, tone, and physical proximity, social interactions can feel overwhelmingly hard. I’ve compiled some tips to make this process easier.

Verbal communication tips:

Entering a conversation:

When asking to join in on a conversation that’s already in progress, be friendly and respectful. Listen and observe before communicating, so you can understand the subject that is being discussed and can get a sense of what’s happening emotionally among the participants.

Participating in a conversation:

Be genuine–be yourself!

Ask questions, but don't feel the need to conduct an interview. Plus, it might come off as dominating the conversation.

Practicing pausing before making any responses or judgments. Consider validating the other person's concerns or experiences, and not minimizing them.

If you miss something or get distracted, that's okay! It happens. Try to come back slowly, by first listening to assess what’s happening. It's okay to ask someone to repeat something for clarification if needed.

It helps to reflect back part of what you hear, which validates the other person (they feel heard) and helps you remember parts of the discussion. Try using a mirroring statement, such as “So, what you’re saying is...” or, a summarizing statement, like “Oh, wow. You just got that new job!” This reflection will also help compensate for potential wandering attention, because you are sharing some of the details you heard (even if you’ve missed others!).

Avoid giving directives. No one wants to be told what to do. It’s best to gently suggest or ask about a way of doing something instead of telling someone what or how they should act. For example, instead of saying, “You should ask for a promotion or find another job,” try rephrasing to use a softer approach, such as, “Would you consider asking for a promotion? Maybe it's time to look for another job.”

Monitoring the conversation:

Pace yourself. Try to noticing your communication speed, and whether it seems to work well for the other participant(s). Would talking faster or slower be a helpful adjustment to your or the other person(s)? Their facial expressions might help you monitor their reactions and whether you need to make a change or take a little pause.

Remember, effective communication is a back-and-forth process where participants take turns speaking and listening. Be mindful of how others respond to you to help the conversation flow smoothly.

Exiting a conversation:

Remember, it's okay to leave at any point during a conversation if you feel uncomfortable or would find a break helpful. When you're ready to leave, it might help to keep it quick and simply communicate your need to leave: “Great to see you again! I’ve gotta run. See you soon.” Likewise, when someone expresses a need to exit the conversation, respect their needs and avoid prolonging the conversation.

Nonverbal communication tips:

Body language and facial expressions:

Neurotypical people often express interest and engagement by expressing openness and calmness, with relaxed posture and eye contact or by leaning forward. They often express judgment and discomfort by appearing more closed off, with crossed arms or legs, or by looking away. This might also be true for people who are neurodivergent, but some might express themselves differently, which is okay! It's just something to be aware of.

Practice pausing and being mindful of what the other person(s) may be expressing through their body language, or what your body language might be signaling them. However, don't draw conclusions from body language alone if you're not as familiar with an individual, as it can present differently for different people.

Physical proximity:

Keeping a physical distance of about three feet apart is normally accepted as appropriate in most Western cultures, with hands and body parts kept to yourself. Consent would be expected for any closer distance or contact, especially given the current COVID pandemic concerns.

It's also important to be mindful that some people are highly sensitive to touch and/or can find hugs, for example, to be uncomfortable or painful. If that's you, don't feel pressured to engage in any interaction that would cause you discomfort. If you're a parent, respect your child's sensitivities and needs by not pushing your child to hug relatives or friends or sit on Santa's lap this season. See if you can come up with a fun handshake, wave or hello/goodbye phrase instead.

Volume:

How loud are people speaking? Are you speaking louder or quieter than the people around you? Can you hear yourself? Are you inside or outside? Practice paying attention to your tone of voice as well. Find a buddy who can remind you to reflect on your volume or tone with a subtle, pre-arranged cue.

Movements:

It's important to maintain control over our body movements and personal space. Bring something small to fidget with if it helps you stay attentive and more engaged in a discussion. Take the time beforehand to prepare a seat if you prefer to sit, or stand up if you feel the need to stand or stretch.

Certain body movements might be noticeably distracting to others at times. If you're comfortable with it, and feel it would be beneficial, you can let people know that your body may do things that you are unaware of, are out of your control, or that helps you self-regulate. You can make it clear that the movements are not about them. Remember to offer yourself some compassion if you notice yourself feeling insecure by reactions from others.

Make communication easier with APPLE

To better remember all of these tips in social settings, flex your effective communication muscles by remembering the acronym APPLE:

Ask to join:

Ask relevant questions, and assess what’s happening by reading people’s faces.

Physical proximity and volume:

Place yourself appropriately near others, observe their volume and follow along.

Participate:

Use reflective statements to show that you’re listening, and express your genuine curiosity about others’ experiences.

Lay off self-criticism:

Turn down the volume on the internal negative voice that guesses what other people are saying about you, because it’s often wrong! Stay present and engaged with what’s happening in NOW–in the moment.

Enjoy connecting with others:

Take a moment to appreciate your social connections. Practice what you'd like to about yourself and bringing up your personal interests in conversation while also receiving what’s interesting and compelling to others. Conversations are a give and take.

Becoming a strong and empathic communicator can take practice. Self-awareness, impulse control, emotional regulation and working memory, among other executive functioning skills, can be particularly challenging for neurodivergent folks. Moreover, there are issues with cultural values, social norms and interpersonal dynamics that can be difficult to interpret. With understanding, research, patient instruction and lots of practice, anyone can learn to participate in conversations more appropriately and confidently.

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Read more blog posts:

• • Social Anxiety and ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation
  • Back Together with Gratitude: Managing your emotions and expectations during the holidays
  • ADHD and Metacognition: Learning to reflect on your thoughts and experiences with a growth mindset

Watch ADDitude Q&As on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

• • ADHD and Social Anxiety | ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline
  • Transforming ADHD Triggers: From Upset to Reset | Q&A with ADHD Expert Dr. Sharon Saline
  • How to Deal with & Educate ADHD Doubters | ADHD Q&A with Clinical Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline

Shop handouts, seminars & more in Dr. Saline's Store. https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

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Psychology Today: How to Cope with ADHD and Perfectionism

Tools to turn down the noise of self-criticism and feel "good enough" every day.

"Do you set unrealistic goals for yourself, fret about disappointing others, and compare yourself negatively to those around you? If so, you are probably like many other people with ADHD who struggle with perfectionism. At times, you may want something to be right so much that it becomes difficult to start tasks, assignments, and projects, and complete them. In other moments, the desire to do something well motivates you to give your best efforts and helps you feel proud of your work." Read the full article by Dr. Saline!

Intrepid Ed News: 4 Common Parenting Challenges and How to Overcome Them

"Just when we thought we’d turned a corner in the COVID war, the Delta variant made all of us more nervous than we might already be. It’s worrisome for parents, educators, and students — all of whom are navigating wearing masks with quality instruction, engaged learning, and safe socializing. This complicated transition back to school has been especially tough for kids with ADHD, LD, ASD, and twice-exceptionality. These neurodiverse kids, who already struggle with anxiety and emotional regulation, often become more stressed, worried, and reactive..."

Click here to read the full article.

Simplifying the Holiday Season with Your Neurodiverse Family: How to prevent stress and foster joy

As the holiday season unfolds, my clients and friends express feeling very stressed. Some people have a long list of gifts to buy and wait until the last minute to do their shopping. Some schedule back-to-back social plans and celebrate with gusto. Other folks dislike the holidays altogether and would prefer to hide in bed under the covers until January. In general, everyone seems to be in a state of perpetual motion, running from one thing to the next, trying to get things done and seeing family and friends. This pace is not only challenging to maintain, but it's also especially hard for kids and adults with ADHD who get easily overwhelmed, even without the holiday fervor. How can you create experience that is fun, rewarding and calmer for you, your neurodiverse family? Get ready for simplifying this holiday season.

1. Simplifying the holiday lists, errands and tasks

Start with a mindset of “SIMPLIFY, not COMPLEX-IFY." Usually the holiday overwhelm comes from one or both of two main sources: (1) leaving things until the last minute and (2) trying to do too much. Let’s face it—EVERYTHING takes longer than we think it will. If you start planning your tasks with that mentality, and give yourself more time to do things, the process will go much more smoothly.

Strategies for simplifying holiday tasks:

1. Shorten lists and outings

Make a master list, and then break it down into shorter ones. Ideally, your family might stop at 1 or 2 places in one trip, but plan for no more than 3-4 different places in one outing. Strategize by mapping out where you need to go beforehand, and group places together that are near each other.

2. Teach while you lead

Teach your kids with ADHD to practice simplifying, too. Help your kids learn shopping strategies by explaining what, why and how you are doing things when you go out together to run errands.

3. Take breaks to rest and re-connect

Schedule in a break for hot chocolate or tea to break up the trip. It will encourage you and your family to reset between one stimulating environment and the next. Check-in with yourself and each other to see how you're feeling and if you're ready for the next stop.

4. Acknowledge your accomplishments

Sometimes we're so overwhelmed with what we know we still have to do, we forget about how much we've already accomplished. Be sure to cross things off your (shortened) lists when they are completed. You can do this yourself, or ask your kids to assist you. It’s easier to see and remember your accomplishments this way.

2. Reducing the number of social engagements

The holiday season is usually jammed packed with things to do, people to see, and places to go. As parents, we have to take into consideration how much our ADHD children and teens can actually tolerate, process and enjoy. Sometimes you have to curb your own desire and capacity to do several things in a day in order to help regulate what your kids can really manage. Part of the holiday stress for ADHD kids and families comes from having too many of these activities in a row and not enough ‘down time’ to process them. When your ADHD daughter has a meltdown at 6 p.m. because she doesn’t like the mac and cheese, it probably has nothing to do with the food and everything to do with unloading steam from holding it together for so long throughout the day. Simplifying the holiday tasks will help, but you also have to consider how many gatherings and social engagements are truly necessary for a happy holiday season.

How to cut down on the 'squeeze it all in' mentality–together:

1. Sit down with your family, and decide how many activities in a day you each can really handle this holiday season.

2. Talk about what constitutes ''down time' for each person, and make sure it includes something that is settling rather than stimulating. Limit individual technology use, and encourage quiet activities, such as playing games, reading or listening to music. Maybe watch your favorite family holiday movie. Write down these ideas and post them on the refrigerator so people can refer to them when they are most needed.

Good luck, and Happy Holidays to you and your family!

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Read more blog posts:

• Productive Procrastination and ADHD: How to stop running in place and start tackling your goals
• Social Anxiety and ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation
• Wandering Attention and ADHD: How daydreaming can help you relax and think creatively

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

• Finding peace during the stressful holiday season 22 News Mass Appeal interviews Dr. Saline
• Transforming ADHD Triggers: From Upset to Reset ADDitude ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline
• Tips to help your kids avoid getting overwhelmed during the holidays 22 News Mass Appeal interviews Dr. Saline

Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

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YourTango - Social Anxiety & ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation

"Social anxiety is a fear that people will scrutinize you in either familiar or unfamiliar social situations, and this negative judgment will have harmful effects on you. These worries about humiliation and rejection are persistent, often last six months or more, and restrict your activities, interests, and relationships."

Read the article featured on YourTango! Read the original blog post here.

COCORO MEDIA: The ADHD-Anger Connection (Japanese Translation)

COCORO MEDIA has translated Dr. Sharon Saline's Psychology Today article "The ADHD-Anger Connection: How to rein in your temper, reduce frustration, and give a genuine apology" from English to Japanese!

Click here to read the COCORO MEDIA article (Japanese). Click here the original article on Psychology Today (English).

YourTango: 4 Common Misconceptions About ADHD That Everyone Needs To Forget (Weekly Best!)

"Do you find yourself often dealing with people who don’t understand what it’s like to live with ADHD or even believe that it truly exists? Maybe it's your friend, boss, teacher, coach, or family member. ADHD misconceptions and myths negatively impact people with ADHD and those who support them, every day. When it comes to biases, judgments, and frustrations, how do you deal with them with calm and confidence?"

*Now a YourTango Experts Weekly Best: Editor's Pick!*

Click here to read the article!

PsychCentral: The 10 Best Books for ADHD in 2021

"You want to learn more about attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). You’re looking for tips on how to improve your focus. You’re interested in supporting a loved one who lives with this mental health condition. Whether you have a diagnosis or know someone who does, ADHD books can help you accomplish all of these goals and more." Dr. Sharon Saline's book, What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew, was chosen "Best for parents of kids with ADHD!"

Click here to read the PsychCentral article! Click here to learn more about Dr. Saline's book!

Totto Learning: Are you worried your child has ADHD? Here are the next steps.

Hear how Dr. Sharon Saline explains what the first few steps as a parent you can do if you are worried that your child has ADHD and learn best practices for better parenting. -  Totto Learning. Watch the video: [embed]https://youtu.be/ADj4Dyu2Xcc[/embed]  

Totto Learning: Symptoms of ADHD in Children

Dr. Sharon Saline discuss symptoms of ADHD in children with Totto Learning. Watch the video: [embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6bTAhfWkUI[/embed]  

Tone of Voice Awareness in Neurodiverse Families: How to practice self-regulation in family conflicts

Neurodiverse families often struggle with emotional reactivity and verbal impulse control. Negative feelings and unpleasant words can intensify in the blink of an eye. Still, when the moments arise, it's hard enough to calm down your own emotions -- let alone the emotions of your child, teen or partner. Where do you even start? When that tone of voice (the one you're all too familiar with) enters the picture, you can use the quick and direct steps of "T.O.V." to help initiate a process of self-reflection and self-regulation for your family and yourself. Tone of voice awareness takes practice, but it's a skill that will improve family communication and connections for years to come.

Family conflict: A familiar story

You are almost finished cooking dinner, a meal you've been planning since your last shopping trip a few days ago. You made sure to plan a meal that the whole family can enjoy, taking into account your son's eating specifications. Everyone has had a rough week transitioning back into school mode. On top of that, work has been a bit overwhelming. You've been dealing with headaches on and off, and are ready for some quiet time. You have been looking forward to this meal all week, if not only to have some quality time with your family. You go to pull the roast out of the oven and call the kids in to help prepare the table. Your daughter comes in and begins to work with place settings. You call your son in - for the third time - and he stomps in, muttering about how he wasn't able to finish the level in his video game.

You remind him he has plenty of time after dinner to wrap up his game and save it. In the middle of your sentence, you hear a commotion, high-pitched screech. You turn, and the kids are going at it. "She took my favorite cup!" he yells. They begin to chase each other around the kitchen.

You huff as you try to get the food from your prep station to the table without tripping over them. "If you had come in to help when I first called, you could have chosen your favorite cup." "It's not fair!" he screams, and hits his fist on the table, scattering silverware and causing a side dish to fall. Your heart rate spikes, your face flushes. You want to scream, but you know you have to set a good example. Your headache increases in intensity.

How did your easygoing family evening escalate into this?

Why can't your son use another of your many drinking glasses? When will he learn to modulate how he expresses himself and be more cooperative? Why did you allow yourself to be upset by him in the first place? You're aware that impulsivity and emotional dysregulation are challenges for your neurodiverse family. And yet, here you are again, ready to pull your hair out.

Enter: Tone Of Voice Awareness

So often, neurodivergent kids aren't really aware of how they say things. They might have difficult understanding how what they say (and how they say it) can affect others. They might need guidance learning how to slow down and reflect on what they just expressed. But, since they are often sensitive to criticism, direct feedback can frequently backfire. Discussing the impact of their tone of voice allows your child - and your entire family - to reflect for themselves on how they can say something in a more impactful way. It also allows them to have more tone of voice awareness around their thoughts before they communicate them. Incorporating T.O.V. allows kids to practice several skills simultaneously: emotional regulation, verbal and behavioral impulse control, planning, shifting and personal insight (metacognition). So, where does this lesson start?

How to improve tone of voice (T.O.V.) awareness for more effective family communication

Step 1: Introduce the concept naturally.

Introducing T.O.V. won't be very helpful unless it is introduced at a time when everyone is willing to listen and learn. In a calm moment, you explain to your neurodivergent child or teen that sometimes everyone needs help with improving tone of voice awareness and learning how their words and their tone of voice affect others.

If you have multiple children, it is important to include everyone in the conversation. This will make everyone feel like they are an equal part of the conversation, and will keep you from singling anyone out. Let them know that you will be saying "T.O.V." out loud when you think they should reflect on how they are speaking to someone. Allow them a minute or two to practice their tone of voice awareness and pivot how they are speaking. Encourage them to try again.

Step 2: Be prepared that it might not always work immediately.

If your child or teen can't manage their emotions enough to change their communication style, then encourage a timed break. Allow them - and yourself - personal space to breathe and regroup. Many times, a 10-15 minute break is all it takes. But be prepared for it to take a little longer, depending on everyone's headspace.

Step 3: Be willing to forgive and move on.

When your child or teen is successful in practicing tone of voice awareness and adjusts how they are speaking to you, your job is to appreciate their efforts, accept their attitude adjustment, and move forward. Positive steps in the right direction include speaking slower or quieter and using more polite, less aggressive, language. Let them know how much their attitude adjustment means to you. Positive reinforcement is very important, especially in any child/adult relationship.

Remember, T.O.V. is a tool for everyone.

As much as you may be using "T.O.V." to help improve your child's communication efforts, you need to know your kids could call you out, too! How you respond to this is incredibly important. A good approach is to acknowledge your feelings, or laugh and admit that you are also capable of messing up. While you don't want to create an environment where everyone is calling out "T.O.V." constantly, you do want to lead by example in combative situations, and take the opportunity to practice tone of voice awareness for yourself! Be selective when you use it, and they will be encouraged to do so as well. More than anything, it's important to realize that everyone is human. You can only react to things as your mood allows, and making sure you set everyone up with the proper tools to learn and grow through the aggressive moments can be very impactful.

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Read more blog posts:

• Cooling Down Conversations in Neurodiverse Families: De-escalate and Do-over with 'WAIT-Now' and 'Take Back of the Day'
• ADHD and Defiance during COVID: What can you do instead of yelling?
• Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Mediate Sibling Relationships Complicated by ADHD

Watch on YouTube:

• ADHD and Oppositional Defiance (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
• Anger Management with ADHD (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
• How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)

https://drsharonsaline.com/product/managing-technology-families-video/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

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22 News Mass Appeal: Planning successful summer outings with neurodiverse children

(Mass Appeal) – Summer is a time for many families to get away and enjoy time together… but planning a successful family outing can be a challenge for families with neurodiverse kids and teens. Here to help us make the process a little less daunting, is clinical psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline.

Read more and watch the interview.