Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 12/22/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 12/22/21

Giving Experiences and Building Community: Family gifts and activities that boost the holiday spirit

5 women smiling and hugging In the whirlwind of the holidays, it’s easy to forget the true meaning of the season–connecting with loved ones and giving back. The spirit of giving goes beyond buying stuff. As fun as it is to give and receive material possessions, it’s important to nurture what you can't get at the store–relationships, community and generosity. When we engage with others in meaningful ways, we not only do good in the world, but we feel good about ourselves. It may take a little extra time and creativity, but it’s well worth it. There are countless ways to choose people over stuff during the holidays. Volunteering, donating to charity and giving experiences are all valuable ways of giving back and lifting spirits.

Gift an experience

mother pushing boys on sled, giving experiences

Giving experiences instead of stuff offers folks something unique that will provide them with lasting memories. Perhaps it’s an experience they’ve wanted to do but not been able or willing to arrange for themselves. Or, it’s an opportunity to spend time together while sharing an interesting activity. It doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive; sometimes it’s the simple pleasures that bring us the most enjoyment.

By giving an experience, you are offering someone the opportunity to go beyond their comfort zone with the encouragement of a kind friend. Teaching kids that gifts don’t always come in a box is invaluable. Here are a few examples of experiences that make wonderful gifts:

Activities

Ice skating, sledding, board games or a trip to an arcade are just some of the ways friends and families can connect. Kids might enjoy doing something special with their grandparents, cousins or friends: a sleepover, baking cookies or setting up a tent in their room and “camping in”.

Memberships

A membership to a museum, zoo or nature preserve is a gift that keeps on giving–it’ll be enjoyed all year and you’ll help support a great institution. Memberships are also available in many theaters, symphonies and other arts organizations.

Lessons

The gift of learning can be enjoyed at any age and you can find lessons for just about every interest: sports, cooking, art, music–the options are plentiful. Whether you find a private teacher or group lessons through a local adult ed program, you should be able to find resources within your community.

Gift your time through helpful work

Female Neighbor Helping Senior Woman With Shopping, charitable work Donating to charities or donating your time is a form of giving experiences. These rewarding activities stretch people, especially kids, to think outside of themselves and consider others. Charitable experiences teach us important and fundamental life skills.

Children, especially, will benefit from practicing gratitude, empathy and acts of kindness, and this, in turn, will help them develop into kind, caring adults. When kids get involved in charitable work, they start to learn the feeling of gratitude. They become more appreciative of what they have in their lives. You are also deepening your relationship by doing a meaningful activity together.

Volunteering

Giving your time to help others really makes a difference, especially during the holiday season. If you’re in the position to lend a hand, show your generosity of spirit by doing something for those in need. Volunteering at a soup kitchen, delivering meals or helping coordinate a toy drive are just a few options. If a more personal experience is more your speed, consider baking cookies for friends or raking leaves for an elderly neighbor.

Giving to charity

woman holding donation box with clothes to give to charity

Giving to charity, a non-profit or other worthy cause is another way to choose people over stuff. You may have clothing or books your family has outgrown which can go to a family in need. Or there’s an organization doing great work to which you’d like to contribute. You may want to brainstorm charities and causes you’d like to support together as a family. By getting the whole family involved in the conversation, you’re likely to inspire more enthusiasm. Lead by example and show how good it feels to help others.

Gifts which are experiences alter both someone’s perspective about themselves and about the world around them for the better. When you engage in an activity, you are participating in your world and interacting with your community. This action-oriented gift has a ripple effect in ways you can’t necessarily see. It spreads good will, increases self-esteem and sets a good example for others to follow. Whether you help, create or share an experience with someone, make it meaningful and caring during the holidays and all year long.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube channel:

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 12/19/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 12/19/21

Make New Friends and Keep the Old: How to nurture existing relationships and confidently form new ones

Young adults hugging and smiling for a selfie. Nurturing relationships As the new year approaches, it’s a good time to look back on the previous year and set goals for the next. Reflecting on accomplishments motivates us to do more of the same and keep those good feelings coming. Acknowledging what didn’t work out is just as important, allowing us to learn from those experiences and make adjustments in the future. With the many ups and downs of the past 12 months, it’s important to start 2022 with a focus on positivity toward yourself and others. These days, it's more important than ever to nurture existing relationships and form new ones. When we prioritize self-growth and friendship, we feel stronger, more confident and more resilient. Let’s kick off the new year by setting some meaningful and achievable relationship goals.

Identifying and building on your strengths

Woman thinking on the couch and holding notepad and pen

Before you can develop stronger relationships, you need to feel good about yourself. Take some time for self-reflection, and write down what your identify as your qualities and strengths.

What is one trait you like most about yourself on which you could improve? Make nurturing and expanding this trait your goal for the upcoming year.

Think about the person you really want to be–whether it is braver, warmer, kinder, more authentic, more compassionate, a better listener–and focus on that. This is a good exercise to do with your children as well. Help them identify what they love about themselves and what they’re good at. Cheer them on, and encourage them to share their best qualities with others!

Be mindful, but don’t overdo it. Set a reasonable and achievable goal, and identify how you'll evaluate your progress. Keep a journal, or ask a friend to give you regular feedback. Finding a way to keep yourself accountable will help you stay on target toward achieving your goal.

Nurturing your relationships

Our emotional well-being depends on our abilities to develop and maintain strong bonds with others. Feeling connected and supported boosts our confidence and helps us ride out life’s bumps and bruises with more resilience. But a relationship will not grow without care. It’s a give-and-take process and needs nourishment to thrive. Fortunately, there are plenty of tried and true ways to nurture existing relationships and confidently form new ones.

Maintaining existing relationships

Make time to spend together.

Businesswomen are walking to work together through the city. They are talking and one is holding a coffee while the other is holding a smartphone.

Even with busy schedules and hectic lives, it’s important to carve out time to spend with family and friends. Those who know and love us most can best lift our spirits, comfort and guide us. So, seek out opportunities to be together as often as possible. Creating a regular or weekly dinnertime routine that works with your family's schedules is a great way to engage in regular check-ins. Invite your friend over for coffee, go for a walk with your sister, or take up a new art class with your partner. While you're at it, encourage your loved ones to do the same. Sharing an experience together deepens the relationship.

Stay in touch.

Whether it’s friends, family, coworkers or classmates, there are more opportunities to stay in touch now than ever before. If you’re unable to meet in person, be sure to call, text, email or video chat. The method is not as important as the action. Keep the bonds in your relationships strong by sharing what's happening in your life and staying up-to-date on what's going on with others. Send photos, exchange book recommendations or music playlists. When you can’t be together, stay connected in other ways.

Forming new friendships

Say 'yes.'

Six pre-teen friends piggybacking in a park

Accepting invitations to social gatherings is a great way to stay connected and meet new people. Although this may be tough for some, especially those who experience social anxiety, it’s worthwhile to nudge yourself outside of your comfort zone and give yourself the opportunity to interact with a variety of people. You may be pleasantly surprised by a new experience or an enjoyable conversation you didn’t expect to have!

Model this optimistic approach for your children, and be sure to leave a little room for flexibility. Some kids feel uncomfortable going to an unfamiliar house but would be fine inviting a new friend over. The goal is to create opportunities for new connection and grow relationships by saying 'yes' more often.

Initiate.

Is there someone whose company you enjoy but haven’t been able to spend time with? Maybe it’s someone with whom you’ve chatted in a group setting but would like to get to know better one-on-one. Or, perhaps it’s someone you recently met and would like to get to know. Moving past any fear of rejection, especially if you experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (which is common with ADHD), can be difficult. Take the first step toward relationship-building by initiating a conversation in whatever way feels most comfortable. Whether this becomes a new friendship or fizzles out, you will gain confidence and experience in the process.

When setting goals for the new year, set the tone with a positive, productive mindset. An optimistic approach will help you build confidence in yourself and in your relationships. Identify your strengths, and see if you can take them further or apply them to new situations. Nurture existing relationships and invest time in forming new ones. Be kind to yourself and know your limits. But make it a point to stretch yourself a little in order to grow and live a fulfilling and rewarding life. Older woman holding tablet on video call, staying connected

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:

ADHD and Social Anxiety | ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline

Shop handouts, seminars & more in Dr. Saline’s Store.

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 12/15/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 12/15/21

Family, Forgiveness and ADHD: Loving and letting go, during and beyond the holiday season

Mother consoling her adolescent in their bedroom. In the midst of the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, many of us have shorter fuses. Tempers flare, angry words are said, and the joy of family gatherings suddenly sours. Sadly, the stress of special events can lead to negative interactions, behaviors or outbursts. Whatever you celebrate, you have the opportunity to pivot from feeling shutdown to being connected. The holidays bring joy, lightness and good cheer. Practicing forgiveness with your family (and yourself) will assist you in having a happier, fulfilling experience.

Recognizing the impact of ADHD on behavior

Teen boy sitting outside by trees, looking sad and down at the ground with his head resting down on his hand.

Living with ADHD can be challenging for kids and adults and the people who love them. Children and teens test limits, argue about routines and struggle to manage intense feelings. It’s tougher for them to remember their chores, to brush their teeth daily or to stop playing Fortnight or using Instagram.

Like adults, kids and teens may know what they should do, and sincerely want to do that. However, due to challenges with impulse or emotional control, they cannot make better choices with consistency. Sometimes, it’s unclear to folks with ADHD and their circle of friends, relatives and caring adults what behaviors are purposeful and what reflect having ADHD. This confusion leads to blame, shame and frustration.

What it means to forgive (and what it doesn't)

Forgiveness is a purposeful decision to let go of feelings of resentment, blame or revenge towards someone who has hurt or harmed you–whether or not you think they deserve it. It does not condone what they did, but rather frees you from the pain of holding onto your anger and criticism.

Father hugging his daughter outside, laughing together

Forgiveness is about mercy and compassion. It is something you offer because you realize that it is the most effective response to a situation. Forgiveness encompasses an awareness that a number of social-emotional and environmental factors influence reactions, emotions and behaviors of people with ADHD. It’s also about being cognizant of your self-righteousness.

Whether your young adult son refuses to take his ADHD medication and can’t seem to hold down a job, your ten year old explodes when you won’t let him watch R-rated movies, or your teen repeatedly leaves their dirty socks on the couch–what you can control is your response.

Yes, you’re agitated and disappointed. Yes, you know the medication will help, PG-13 movies are more appropriate and the socks belong in the hamper. But, what’s needed here is understanding about their struggles, scaffolding to teach executive functioning skills, following natural and logical consequences and, frankly, letting some things go.

Forgiveness in the holiday season

Mother with her hand to her face looking stressed, holding gifts in front of the Christmas tree. Forgiveness is part of the holiday spirit, because it offers somebody the gifts of kindness and generosity of spirit. Empathy is a key component of forgiveness, particularly when we are talking about neurodivergent kids and adults. Compassion teaches us that, just like us, they are doing the best they can in a given situation with the tools they have available to them in that moment. This is especially true for their Now/Not now brains. When flooded with strong emotions, rational thinking goes on a quick vacation, and the amygdala takes over with survival responses instead of thoughtful, cognitive ones.

At times, compassion can be difficult

When you are in pain–anger, sadness, guilt or shame–it’s much harder to practice empathy or compassion. It’s common for people (parents, partners, children or teens) to export this pain onto others. Then, those folks take it on and try to fix it. However, this is usually an impossible task, because you are not a miracle worker, and your capability to make things ‘okay’ is limited. Rather, acknowledge what is going on, brainstorm potential solutions together, and see what happens. Focus on doing your own work, why you feel triggered, and how the present situations might replicate something from your own history. Set up a family policy of using a Take-Back of the Day to demonstrate forgiveness in real time.

Offer yourself forgiveness and compassion, too

Rather than berating yourself for not being good enough at home, at work or in your relationships, practice accepting yourself, as you are, instead. Decrease your expectations about your professional, academic or parenting skills so you don’t walk around feeling like a failure.

mother taking a breath on the couch and practice self-compassion A mother recently told me: “I’m pretty good at forgiving my 3 children with ADHD, but I struggle with not forgiving myself and blaming myself. I feel like I can never do enough to provide the structure they need.”

Pay more attention to what you are doing with the resources you have available. Everybody stumbles: two steps forward and one step backward is still forward motion. If you make a mistake, be accountable for your actions without going into a shame spiral of self-loathing. This is really tough to do, especially for perfectionists. But it doesn’t serve you, and it certainly doesn’t model for your kids how they can accept themselves. Start by forgiving yourself for something small, such as yelling about bedtime, rather than tackling all of motherhood.

Forgiveness is an ongoing practice

Forgiveness is an ongoing practice: it's a gift that grows and changes over time. Releasing your resentment increases your potential for happiness and contentment. This is the best gift you can give yourself and your loved ones!

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel: [embed]https://youtu.be/ONFmfvhazoQ[/embed] Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/apologies/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 12/8/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 12/8/21

Tips for Neurodiverse Social Communication: Engaging in more enjoyable and effective conversations

Group of six people talking and laughing outside Do you ever wish that you could pause time, take back something you said, and start over? Would you like to be someone who has quick comebacks in conversations, instead of thinking of something good to say 10 minutes later? The holiday season, now in full swing, comes with countless gatherings, celebrations, and–more often than not–the stresses of social interactions. Typical elements of conversation and communication can be tricky for people with ADHD or other neurodivergent individuals; they may interrupt or speak too quickly, space out unintentionally and miss key elements of a conversation, have difficulty processing information, or feel insecure about what they have to say. Learning some useful techniques for listening and speaking more effectively can help neurodivergent individuals improve their interpersonal skills and reduce social anxiety.

Social expectations vs. neurodivergent experiences

There’s a general assumption that all people are in complete control of their words, actions and emotions, and that everyone knows the unspoken, unwritten and often mysterious rules of social engagement. However, this doesn't account for neurodivergent experiences, strengths or challenges with communication. It also neglects to account for the effects that anxiety and depression can have on the body and mind during interactions.

Some neurodivergent people might prefer more direct communication. Others might prefer communicating through art or story. Many prefer social opportunities where they aren't pressured to make eye contact or sit still, or where they can easily take breaks and then join back in conversation. Just because neurodivergent people might approach social communication differently than a neurotypical person would, doesn't mean one approach is preferable over the other. Let's take a more compassionate approach and explore how we can all become more confident communicators.

Verbal and nonverbal communication

four stick figures under communication word bubble There are two types of communication: verbal and nonverbal. Verbal communication has to do with words we use to explicitly communicate an idea. Nonverbal communication is what we implicitly express through specific behaviors, body language and demeanor. Verbal communication can be difficult enough on its own, but when we also need to track nonverbal queues, like posture, tone, and physical proximity, social interactions can feel overwhelmingly hard. I’ve compiled some tips to make this process easier.

Verbal communication tips:

Entering a conversation:

When asking to join in on a conversation that’s already in progress, be friendly and respectful. Listen and observe before communicating, so you can understand the subject that is being discussed and can get a sense of what’s happening emotionally among the participants.

Participating in a conversation:

Be genuine–be yourself!

Ask questions, but don't feel the need to conduct an interview. Plus, it might come off as dominating the conversation.

teens laughing in living room verbal communication

Practicing pausing before making any responses or judgments. Consider validating the other person's concerns or experiences, and not minimizing them.

If you miss something or get distracted, that's okay! It happens. Try to come back slowly, by first listening to assess what’s happening. It's okay to ask someone to repeat something for clarification if needed.

It helps to reflect back part of what you hear, which validates the other person (they feel heard) and helps you remember parts of the discussion. Try using a mirroring statement, such as “So, what you’re saying is...” or, a summarizing statement, like “Oh, wow. You just got that new job!” This reflection will also help compensate for potential wandering attention, because you are sharing some of the details you heard (even if you’ve missed others!).

Avoid giving directives. No one wants to be told what to do. It’s best to gently suggest or ask about a way of doing something instead of telling someone what or how they should act. For example, instead of saying, “You should ask for a promotion or find another job,” try rephrasing to use a softer approach, such as, “Would you consider asking for a promotion? Maybe it's time to look for another job.”

Monitoring the conversation:

surprised woman pointing up nonverbal communication

Pace yourself. Try to noticing your communication speed, and whether it seems to work well for the other participant(s). Would talking faster or slower be a helpful adjustment to your or the other person(s)? Their facial expressions might help you monitor their reactions and whether you need to make a change or take a little pause.

Remember, effective communication is a back-and-forth process where participants take turns speaking and listening. Be mindful of how others respond to you to help the conversation flow smoothly.

Exiting a conversation:

Remember, it's okay to leave at any point during a conversation if you feel uncomfortable or would find a break helpful. When you're ready to leave, it might help to keep it quick and simply communicate your need to leave: “Great to see you again! I’ve gotta run. See you soon.” Likewise, when someone expresses a need to exit the conversation, respect their needs and avoid prolonging the conversation.

Nonverbal communication tips:

Body language and facial expressions:

Neurotypical people often express interest and engagement by expressing openness and calmness, with relaxed posture and eye contact or by leaning forward. They often express judgment and discomfort by appearing more closed off, with crossed arms or legs, or by looking away. This might also be true for people who are neurodivergent, but some might express themselves differently, which is okay! It's just something to be aware of.

Practice pausing and being mindful of what the other person(s) may be expressing through their body language, or what your body language might be signaling them. However, don't draw conclusions from body language alone if you're not as familiar with an individual, as it can present differently for different people.

Physical proximity:

A mother holding her young daughter in her house waving to someone outside

Keeping a physical distance of about three feet apart is normally accepted as appropriate in most Western cultures, with hands and body parts kept to yourself. Consent would be expected for any closer distance or contact, especially given the current COVID pandemic concerns.

It's also important to be mindful that some people are highly sensitive to touch and/or can find hugs, for example, to be uncomfortable or painful. If that's you, don't feel pressured to engage in any interaction that would cause you discomfort. If you're a parent, respect your child's sensitivities and needs by not pushing your child to hug relatives or friends or sit on Santa's lap this season. See if you can come up with a fun handshake, wave or hello/goodbye phrase instead.

Volume:

How loud are people speaking? Are you speaking louder or quieter than the people around you? Can you hear yourself? Are you inside or outside? Practice paying attention to your tone of voice as well. Find a buddy who can remind you to reflect on your volume or tone with a subtle, pre-arranged cue.

Movements:

Two girls smiling, having a conversation with coffee on the couch It's important to maintain control over our body movements and personal space. Bring something small to fidget with if it helps you stay attentive and more engaged in a discussion. Take the time beforehand to prepare a seat if you prefer to sit, or stand up if you feel the need to stand or stretch.

Certain body movements might be noticeably distracting to others at times. If you're comfortable with it, and feel it would be beneficial, you can let people know that your body may do things that you are unaware of, are out of your control, or that helps you self-regulate. You can make it clear that the movements are not about them. Remember to offer yourself some compassion if you notice yourself feeling insecure by reactions from others.

Make communication easier with APPLE

To better remember all of these tips in social settings, flex your effective communication muscles by remembering the acronym APPLE:

Ask to join:

Ask relevant questions, and assess what’s happening by reading people’s faces.

Physical proximity and volume:

Place yourself appropriately near others, observe their volume and follow along.

Participate:

Use reflective statements to show that you’re listening, and express your genuine curiosity about others’ experiences.

Lay off self-criticism:

Turn down the volume on the internal negative voice that guesses what other people are saying about you, because it’s often wrong! Stay present and engaged with what’s happening in NOW–in the moment.

Enjoy connecting with others:

Take a moment to appreciate your social connections. Practice what you'd like to about yourself and bringing up your personal interests in conversation while also receiving what’s interesting and compelling to others. Conversations are a give and take.

Becoming a strong and empathic communicator can take practice. Self-awareness, impulse control, emotional regulation and working memory, among other executive functioning skills, can be particularly challenging for neurodivergent folks. Moreover, there are issues with cultural values, social norms and interpersonal dynamics that can be difficult to interpret. With understanding, research, patient instruction and lots of practice, anyone can learn to participate in conversations more appropriately and confidently.

Read more blog posts:

Watch ADDitude Q&As on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

- ADHD and Social Anxiety | ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline
- Transforming ADHD Triggers: From Upset to Reset | Q&A with ADHD Expert Dr. Sharon Saline
- How to Deal with & Educate ADHD Doubters | ADHD Q&A with Clinical Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline

Shop handouts, seminars & more in Dr. Saline's Store. https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 12/1/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 12/1/21

Simplifying the Holiday Season with Your Neurodiverse Family: How to prevent stress and foster joy

Family of four warming up by the outside fire As the holiday season unfolds, my clients and friends express feeling very stressed. Some people have a long list of gifts to buy and wait until the last minute to do their shopping. Some schedule back-to-back social plans and celebrate with gusto. Other folks dislike the holidays altogether and would prefer to hide in bed under the covers until January. In general, everyone seems to be in a state of perpetual motion, running from one thing to the next, trying to get things done and seeing family and friends. This pace is not only challenging to maintain, but it's also especially hard for kids and adults with ADHD who get easily overwhelmed, even without the holiday fervor. How can you create experience that is fun, rewarding and calmer for you, your neurodiverse family? Get ready for simplifying this holiday season.

1. Simplifying the holiday lists, errands and tasks

Start with a mindset of “SIMPLIFY, not COMPLEX-IFY." Usually the holiday overwhelm comes from one or both of two main sources: (1) leaving things until the last minute and (2) trying to do too much. Let’s face it—EVERYTHING takes longer than we think it will. If you start planning your tasks with that mentality, and give yourself more time to do things, the process will go much more smoothly.

Strategies for simplifying holiday tasks:

1. Shorten lists and outings

Neurodiverse family shopping at the mall Make a master list, and then break it down into shorter ones. Ideally, your family might stop at 1 or 2 places in one trip, but plan for no more than 3-4 different places in one outing. Strategize by mapping out where you need to go beforehand, and group places together that are near each other.

2. Teach while you lead

Teach your kids with ADHD to practice simplifying, too. Help your kids learn shopping strategies by explaining what, why and how you are doing things when you go out together to run errands.

3. Take breaks to rest and re-connect

Schedule in a break for hot chocolate or tea to break up the trip. It will encourage you and your family to reset between one stimulating environment and the next. Check-in with yourself and each other to see how you're feeling and if you're ready for the next stop.

4. Acknowledge your accomplishments

Sometimes we're so overwhelmed with what we know we still have to do, we forget about how much we've already accomplished. Be sure to cross things off your (shortened) lists when they are completed. You can do this yourself, or ask your kids to assist you. It’s easier to see and remember your accomplishments this way.

2. Reducing the number of social engagements

The holiday season is usually jammed packed with things to do, people to see, and places to go. As parents, we have to take into consideration how much our ADHD children and teens can actually tolerate, process and enjoy. Sometimes you have to curb your own desire and capacity to do several things in a day in order to help regulate what your kids can really manage. Part of the holiday stress for ADHD kids and families comes from having too many of these activities in a row and not enough ‘down time’ to process them. When your ADHD daughter has a meltdown at 6 p.m. because she doesn’t like the mac and cheese, it probably has nothing to do with the food and everything to do with unloading steam from holding it together for so long throughout the day. Simplifying the holiday tasks will help, but you also have to consider how many gatherings and social engagements are truly necessary for a happy holiday season.

How to cut down on the 'squeeze it all in' mentality–together:

1. Sit down with your family, and decide how many activities in a day you each can really handle this holiday season.

2. Talk about what constitutes ''down time' for each person, and make sure it includes something that is settling rather than stimulating. Limit individual technology use, and encourage quiet activities, such as playing games, reading or listening to music. Maybe watch your favorite family holiday movie. Write down these ideas and post them on the refrigerator so people can refer to them when they are most needed.

Good luck, and Happy Holidays to you and your family!

Family laughing and playing dominos at the coffee table

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

Finding peace during the stressful holiday season 22 News Mass Appeal interviews Dr. Saline
Transforming ADHD Triggers: From Upset to Reset ADDitude ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline
Tips to help your kids avoid getting overwhelmed during the holidays 22 News Mass Appeal interviews Dr. Saline

Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 11/23/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 11/23/21

Back Together with Gratitude: Managing your emotions and expectations during the holidays

Family smiling and setting the Thanksgiving table. Last year in 2020, you might have hosted or attended small holiday gatherings, if any. Some were in-person, and some were virtual. Overall, it was different, and this year will feel different yet again. Thankfully, we have Covid-19 vaccines, our favorite masks on hand, and more hope for safer gatherings. But is the idea of getting together with family causing some anxiety? Returning to social events isn't easy, and it might take some practice until you feel comfortable with it again. Conversations these days can also get pretty heated, and emotions could run wild. Covid-19 is still a concern as well. So how can you navigate challenging conversations, stay safe and still enjoy the festivities? Here are a few tips to consider for managing your emotions and expectations during family gatherings over the holidays.

1. Decide on your COVID safety guidelines in advance

Take time to think about what you’ll need to feel safe during the holiday season. When do you want to wear a mask? What types of events are you comfortable attending? Talk to your host about the plan for dealing with COVID safety for the day. People have differing levels of comfort and varying beliefs about COVID. Is there an agreement about vaccinations and/or testing before gathering? Then talk with your partner and your kids about your goals and strategies during Thanksgiving get-togethers.

2. Expect intense emotions

If you haven’t been together with people you love in a long time, your gathering is bound to be emotional. Feelings will run high as people bring their excitement, desire for connection and intentions to catch up. There may also be some anxiety. Excitement and anxiety are two sides of the same coin: the brain processes them along similar pathways. Expect emotional ups and downs, and strategize how to cope with them in advance.

3. Practice self-care

Let’s face it, families can be challenging. You may have great hopes for the holiday which are dashed by a thoughtless comment from your mother or an inappropriate “joke” by your uncle. You may become overwhelmed by the stimulation and have trouble processing all of the input. Think about what you can do to stay centered and calm in advance of the gathering. Schedule some time you'll take a walk, do some yoga, meditate, grab a break or read your book during the day.

4. Appreciate what you have

woman meditating in gratitude, holding her hands over her heart and smiling

Make time at the table to give thanks–for your health, being together, the food you have, your home. It’s been a rough 18 months, and our lives have changed dramatically. Talk with your kids about what has gone well and lessons they’ve learned from what you have all experienced. This teaches them to appreciate what they have instead of focusing on what they don’t. You will decrease negativity and increase positive thinking, which assists children and teens with practicing gratitude.

Celebrating holidays can be difficult as we navigate family dynamics, the stress of travel and competing priorities. It’s possible to relieve some of the pressure by planning ahead and carving out time to unwind. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, practice gratitude and emphasize the good instead of dwelling on the bad. Lift your own spirits by acknowledging what you’re thankful for, and help spread positive feelings among your family and friends.

Wishing you and your family a safe and happy Thanksgiving!

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:

Transforming ADHD Triggers: From Upset to Reset (ADDitude Live Q&A with Dr. Saline)

Dr. Saline's Interviews & In the News:

Mentally Preparing for the Chaos that Can Come From Family and Friends (WWLP 22 News Interview with Dr. Saline)

Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 11/16/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 11/16/21

ADHD, Emotional Regulation and Managing Family Conflict: Replacing Time-outs with Time-in or Time-apart

Young girl with ADHD curled up looking scared about getting a time-out on the couch, while viewing an upset parent with their hand on their hip looking at her Many parents of ADHD children and teens come into my office and report that nothing really works in terms of discipline and consequences. “My son just doesn’t care what we take away,” or “my daughter laughs when we ground her.” While all kids balk at rules sometimes, those with ADHD tend to squawk more often and louder. Commonly associated with ADHD are emotional regulation and executive functioning challenges, so instances where your child or teen needs to manage anger, inhibition or flexibility, for instance, can be difficult. How you decide to handle any family conflicts that might arise is important. To rein in and redirect undesirable behaviors, parents have to respond instead of react and rely on pre-arranged interventions. The Family Emotional Regulation Method (FERM) can help your family make well-considered decisions about how to manage emotional meltdowns and behavioral infractions–with options that foster connections instead of conflict.

Rethinking Time-outs for ADHD emotional regulation

The phrase I Will Not repeatedly written on chalk board

Many parents rely on using Time-outs when emotions start to escalate in the family. But Time-outs focus on the “wrong-ness” of the action, rather than on the child or teen's accountability. Most kids experience them as punishment, which makes them feel worse about themselves. They frequently feel like they are 'bad' people who are engaging in 'bad' behaviors that, because of their ADHD, they often can’t control.

In addition, Time-outs usually don’t teach emotional regulation because learning this key executive functioning skill requires modeling and support–not isolation. Of course, a child in Time-out will eventually calm down, but they usually don’t come away from the experience with the necessary tools for self-awareness to use the next time they become triggered and dysregulated.

What's behind big emotions

Young girl yelling with parents closing their ears in the background

Let’s look at the biology of a quick, intense rise in emotions–the amygdala takeover. It takes around six seconds for the adrenaline released during an amygdala takeover to dissipate in the brain, but up to 10-20 minutes for the effects on the body to wear off. During this time, the 'thinking brain' has gone offline, and emotions are ruling the day.

This is why you can’t negotiate anything in these moments. Creating a plan of appropriate options for settling down and self-soothing is what’s called for instead.

Using a Time-in or Time-apart to support ADHD emotional regulation

father soothing his kid on the couch Isolating your upset child or teen to cool down when emotions intensify can be helpful for some people but provocative for others. While using a Time-out, such as sending your 10 year-old son to his room, when he is in a meltdown might offer you some relief, it may not be the most effective solution for him.

Instead, he may need a quiet few moments with you on the couch, rubbing his head and reading a book. This is an example of using a Time-in to manage ADHD emotional dysregulation.

Though it might be the opposite of what you feel like doing when you are activated, give it a try. Exercise self-Control (one of my 5 C's of ADHD Parenting) by taking a deep breath, going to the bathroom to get centered, and then showing up for a hug and that quiet activity.

On the other hand, after you and your 16 year-old daughter argue about her curfew, you may need 20 minutes alone with a cup of tea, and she may want 20 minutes to listen to some music on her bed. Both of these can happen with a Time-apart. It’s not punitive; it’s recuperative.

Learning the Family Emotional Regulation Method (FERM)

The FERM relies on a pre-negotiated intervention that gives you options in the moment. As a family, talk about the pattern of emotional eruptions and lay out some strategies in advance. This way, you can better cope with what is going on when the 'thinking brain' goes offline. In addition, you avoid power struggles that result in banishing your ornery teen or crying child to their room out of anger and frustration. You're also not stuck needing to invent interventions off the cuff. Instead, you integrate self-soothing strategies that work for everyone.

The Family Emotional Regulation Method is based on creating an environment for families living with ADHD that teaches self-regulation through collaboration when family members can think clearly and aren't feeling upset. This strategy relies on the positive aspects of your parent-child connection–the bond that incentivizes cooperation in the first place.

Here’s how to create your FERM:

1. Identify the patterns

Set aside a time for one or two family meetings (15 minutes maximum) to discuss and name the triggers and characteristics of family meltdowns. Identify signs that emotions are heating up. What contributes to their escalation? What would help everybody slow down, recover and pivot? How long is an ideal recovery time for you, your child or teen? Write these down.

2. Think about your own responses:

How are you responding to your child or teen’s intense emotions? How would you like to respond? How can you help your child or teen with ADHD learn emotional regulation strategies? What tools could help you stay settled? Write these down for yourself and keep this list on your phone so you can look at it when you start to feel overwhelmed.

3. Improve cooperation:

Use everybody’s desire for fewer arguments and more peace in the house as motivation for implementing your family plan. This lies at the heart of kids’ buy-in. When you ask for their opinions and include them in your strategies, kids with ADHD feel more interested because they are working with you: you are allies on the same team to reduce conflict and nurture closeness.

4. Create your FERM chart:

Download your free FERM Chart Template handout here!

Example:

Ferm Chart Example

- Trigger: Setting a time limit on playing Roadblocks or Minecraft

- Kid's Typical Reaction: Yelling and protesting

- Your Typical Response: Taking away screen privileges for the rest of the day

- Your New Planned Response: Calling a break in the action for agreed upon amount of time before escalation

- Time-Apart or Time-In Option: Ask whether your child wants a Time-in (activity together from list) or a Time-Apart (choice of self-soother)

- Recovery: Quick conversation that explores accountability and next steps

5. Practice makes progress:

Create realistic goals, aim for steadiness instead of perfection and remember that everybody is doing the best they can in a given moment with the tools available to them. It takes time and practice to change family habits of negative interactions. Try out an intervention, expect to make adjustments and then try it again.

Picture of a father with his arm around his son outside, having a conversation

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

How Do I Manage ADHD and Emotional Explosions? (ADDitude Q&A with Dr. Saline)
Anger Management with ADHD (ADDitude Q&A with Dr. Saline)
How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)

Deeper dive:

Sources: Cuncic, A. (2021, June 22). Amygdala Hijack and the Fight or Flight Response. Verywell Mind. Retrieved November 17, 2021, from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-happens-during-an-amygdala-hijack-4165944.

Sissons, C. (2018, July 17). What happens when you get an adrenaline rush? Medical News Today. Retrieved November 17, 2021, from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322490.

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 11/9/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 11/9/21

Wandering Attention and ADHD: How daydreaming can help you relax and think creatively

young boy with ADHD relaxing and daydreaming on a tree on a sunny day Many parents and teachers are concerned when they see children or teens daydreaming or spacing out. They wrongfully assume that daydreaming is not 'productive' and is therefore a waste of time. However, periodically letting your mind drift is actually good for you. It allows for creativity, exploration and rest that the brain doesn’t otherwise engage in. The importance of occasional attention wandering is something that author Daniel Goleman refers to as “open awareness.” It’s a way of perceiving your surroundings without getting caught up in the details; allowing your thoughts to wander freely and spontaneously. This wandering attention is how we come up with new ideas, find inspiration and problem-solve creatively–which is not only useful, but quite productive.

Focused Attention and “The Thinking Brain”

On our busy days, our brains spend most of the time purposefully assembling, managing and applying information while engaging in actions, behaviors and self-expression. We focus our attention on a variety of situations, people, problems and solutions. This focus results from interactions between three parts of the brain: lower, middle and frontal.

head diagrams with gears

The lower brain works mostly out of our consciousness, monitoring sensory information and events in our environment.

The mid-brain monitors and processes emotions.

The frontal lobes, also called the prefrontal cortex, are often called ‘the thinking brain.’ It houses executive functioning skills like planning, organizing, sequencing, self-reflection and impulse control that push away distractions and point the mind on a single task or thought. The prefrontal cortex is the last part of the brain to develop at age 25 or so and is specifically affected by having ADHD. Of course, cultural norms, technology and trauma all affect our attention, as people learn to navigate through their lives, society and the world at large.

Wandering Attention and ADHD

We are bombarded by information every moment of every day, which creates what Goleman refers to as the "neural buzz" in our brains. This ‘buzz’ can easily interrupt us and overwhelm our capacity to manage our focus through our 'thinking brains.' Children, teens and adults with ADHD have brain systems that are associated with creative mind-wandering. There is some thinking that ‘zoning out’ might actually be a time when innovative connections between new ideas are occurring.

When we make space for wandering attention, we not only give ourselves more opportunity for creativity and connection, we also help minimize that persistent and overwhelming ‘neural buzz.' Moreover, open awareness and mind drift are powerful tools for boredom relief and metacognitive thinking.

Ways to help your mind wander

So, what does this mean for you and/or your child? Simply put, allow for some down time—time when the brain can free-associate and take a break from the demands of technology, relationships, academics and performance. This time is critical for balance. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Create technology-free time

Use technology-free time for whatever else you or they want to do–including, and especially, nothing. Set limits for this time if your child is struggling with ‘doing nothing.' Consider making a list of ‘nothing’ activities that foster brain breaks. Examples of low dopamine activities are reading, listening to music, playing in the yard and taking a walk.

2. Explore the great outdoors

Spending time in nature is one of the best ways to let your mind rest and your body recharge. The key is to pick an activity that you enjoy or your family enjoys doing together. Hiking, biking, swimming and canoeing are all wonderful activities. If your child prefers something less active, bring a picnic lunch to the park, fly a kite, build a snowman or gather shells at the beach.

3. Play with a pet

girl and mom playing with dog

Playing with pets is a fun way to unplug and unwind. Most kids have a natural affinity with animals, and walking a dog or taking care of a pet for a weekend can be an uplifting experience for people of all ages. If you or your family doesn’t have a pet, ask a friend, relative or neighbor who does.

4. Meditate

Older children and teens may find meditation beneficial. With enough practice, it can alleviate stress at the end of a busy day, or help them stay calm before an exam or musical recital. Meditation is a particularly helpful tool for parents–often helping with regaining perspective in times of stress, increasing self-awareness and practicing patience. Fortunately, there are now a myriad of guided meditation apps and videos you can try to help you practice on occasion or in a new routine.

person on the couch daydreaming and holding a mug of tea We benefit in many ways from zooming out and letting our minds wander. In the same way we feel recharged after a good vacation or a relaxing day at home, we need to give our minds a break from the constant buzzing. Find an activity or two which will help you take a break and kick back. A little bit of doing nothing is sometimes better than constantly doing something.

Read more blog posts:

Learn more at Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel!

ADHD and Metacognition – Executive Functioning Support

Deeper dive:

Sources: Goleman, D. (2015). Focus: The hidden driver of excellence. Harper.

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 11/2/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 11/2/21

Productive Procrastination and ADHD: How to stop running in place and start tackling your goals

A person with ADHD working on building a pile of colorful pens next to a laptop at the table. Many people with ADHD think that procrastination is a natural part of having ADHD and, all too often, see themselves as being incapable of getting things done that they would like to. However, most procrastinators rarely spend their time doing nothing. Instead, they are great at doing other things--sharpening pencils, picking the right music to listen to, tidying up the kitchen, etc.: anything but the main task. It seems that people with ADHD who procrastinate can be productive, as long as they're focusing on a task that interests them and isn't too challenging. When people engage in more interesting and approachable tasks, while putting off a more important task that might seem overwhelming, it's known as productive procrastination.

Procrastination, ADHD and anxiety

Procrastination can be debilitating. Your child with ADHD puts off her science project until the day before it's due; you wait to clean your house until an hour before your in-laws arrive when your panic about having a messy living room kicks in. Adrenaline jumpstarts your activity level by fueling your dopamine pathways to fire. Often, procrastination is a form of anxiety; you’re not sure that you can do the task, project or assignment the way you want to, or at all. You’re worried and uncertain about the outcome, so you avoid it and set it aside until the due date is right in front of you. The term productive procrastination was first used by Piers Steel in his book, The Procrastination Equation. Productive procrastination is also known as 'procrastivity' (Russell Ramsey, Ph.D.), positive procrastination or structural procrastination. Often, people put the big ticket items at the top of their to-do list--if they make one--followed by other easier items. Then, they aim for the low hanging fruit, even if it means they are wasting their time.

The short term relief of productive procrastination

A black alarm clock in front of a bright yellow background with a teal sticky note that says "LATER" on the clock.

Productive procrastination is a delay tactic that feels good because you are getting other things done while avoiding the onerous or unpleasant ones. You keep yourself busy with something else and stay away from the big thing that’s really looming over your head. You still do things that need to be accomplished, but what you work on is less urgent and important than the items you push aside. This makes you feel temporarily better because you feel like you are making progress and you are. But this short term relief increases your long-term stress.

Productive procrastination and the ADHD brain

Reducing productive procrastination relies on self-regulation and the ability to prioritize. You have to do a brain dump: identify what’s critical to do right now (emergencies and crises), and then sort out everything else. This is where folks with ADHD stumble; it’s tough to determine what is most important if urgency isn’t attached to it. An adolescent boy with ADHD practicing productive procrastination on his phone at the table in front of his computer It's harder to write a history paper or finish that work report than it is to do the laundry. Both need to be accomplished, but doing the laundry is less cognitively demanding than writing, so it gets pushed to the front. It’s a task that’s more on autopilot than the creative, organizing, sorting and persistence needed for research and writing. That's why ADHD brains wander off to do those tasks first. Tasks that lend themselves to productive procrastination often have a time frame, with clear starting and endpoints. Doing the laundry or taking out the chicken to defrost for dinner is a finite task. Written work, especially if you throw in perfectionism, does not. The ADHD brain, driven towards the satisfaction and engagement from tangible, higher dopamine activities (those that seem more easily achievable), will focus on those activities first.

4 tips to combat productive procrastination:

1. Break down big tasks into smaller chunks

When you complete a piece of work, the work not only then seems smaller, but it also helps reduce your anxiety about completing it. Create a fixed time period to work on it so it doesn’t takeover your life. If you are parenting a child or teen with ADHD, prepare to assist them in chunking assignments and chores. Take stock of what you’ve accomplished when you take your pause. You’ve done something, keep going!

2. Pay attention to and address mood issues

Your son may not want to walk the dog because he's not in the mood. Your daughter may pick an argument with you to avoid doing her math homework. You may struggle yourself to summon up the effort to sit down and balance your checking account. Overcoming your negativity using emotional control, and starting anyway, is what’s called for. With a smaller chunk of work as your goal, and a set start and stop time, you may find that you can summon the motivation to begin. Consider playing soothing or inspirational music, making a cup of your favorite tea or setting your timer. Ask your kids what would help them get into the frame of mind. The mood may never arrive, and that’s okay. Do it anyway. If you can’t, make a plan with a friend, family member or work buddy to help you talk about what’s bothering and sit down at your desk. If there is nobody you can reach, talk it out in your voice memo, or write it out for a short timed period. Think about how you will feel (positively) on the other side of doing some work.

3. Avoid negative self-talk, exaggeration and trickery

Negative self-talk will tell you that you can’t do things that you actually can do and probably have accomplished in the past. Anxiety often erases memories of courage and competence, and our negative memory bias doesn't help. Anxiety also distorts things and can exaggerate the discomfort or impossibility of doing a task. Many people with ADHD also deceive themselves into thinking they cannot do something because it didn’t work before, without giving themselves a chance to try it again differently. This is true for kids, too. Challenge these parts by recalling previous successes. Think about a time when you dreaded doing something and left it until the last minute.

- How did that work out for you?
- What was the price you paid to complete it?
- Do you want to do that again?

Create some phrases to talk back to this part of you:

- Say, “Yes, I can do this, and I have succeeded in the past.”
- Or, “I’ve set my timers, I’ve planned my reward when I stop, so let’s get started.”

4. Build a strategy to reduce productive procrastination

Use your logic and ask for help when needed. These tools will continue to improve prioritization skills. Over and over, ask yourself (or your child) about the time and value factors related to the tasks on your to-do list:

- Is this urgent?
- What is the importance of this task?

Identify helpful supports--whether digital apps or human advise. Create a map of how to approach the hard stuff, how to set up meaningful incentives, and what tools you might need for self-regulation to get there. If you are really struggling, consider finding a buddy who can assist you or keep you company in this process. Young boy hugging his mom while she sits at the table with work in front of her

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

ADHD & Productive Procrastination (ADDitude ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)

Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Sources: Ramsay, R. (2020, July 16). Procrastivity (a.k.a. sneaky avoidance) and adult ADHD coping. Psychology Today. Retrieved November 3, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rethinking-adult-adhd/202007/procrastivity-aka-sneaky-avoidance-and-adult-adhd-coping. Steel, P. (2012). The procrastination equation: How to stop putting things off and start getting stuff done. Harper.

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 10/25/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 10/25/21

ADHD and Metacognition: Learning to reflect on your thoughts and experiences with a growth mindset

man thinking in front of computer Metacognition is the awareness and understanding of your own thinking and thought processes with the goal of improving learning and performance. Put simply, it’s a way to manage your thinking. Metacognition allows you to connect the dots, see the big picture, self-evaluate and monitor, which ultimately helps you with performance and task completion. This self-awareness helps improve time management, planning, focus and other skills challenge kids and adults with ADHD. With practice and time, you will get the hang of the skills needed to apply metacognition and improve problem solving.

Metacognition and ADHD

Metacognition is a process related to self-awareness and is considered a key Executive Function (EF) skill because it governs behavioral output and is tied to emotional control. It is the last EF skill to fully coalesce in the late twenties for people with ADHD. In fact, researchers at University College of London found that subjects with better metacognition had more grey matter in the anterior right prefrontal cortex, an area of the brain found to be smaller in folks with ADHD. So, those with ADHD may require a bit more time and effort to strengthen their metacognitive skills. The ability for self-regulation and assessment allows you to better achieve specific goals, learn what worked well (and what didn’t) and to then apply that learning to future tasks.

Benefits of managing your thinking

Metacognitive thinking, along with self-regulation, helps you choose, monitor, and evaluate how you approach a task. It helps you measure progress and how close you are to achieving (or not) your final goal. In addition, it helps you transfer learning and information to different contexts and tasks by being more aware of strengths and challenges.

woman writing in notebook at desk For example, if you are writing a report for school or work, metacognition increases your awareness of your progress, possible distractions and need for more efficiency so you can make different choices. If, upon self-reflection, you notice it was way too noisy in the coffee shop to concentrate on your writing, you can move to a quieter space to finish your work more productively. When your next writing project rolls around, you will already have learned that you get better results in a quiet environment. You'll skip the cafe and head straight to your bedroom or a nearby library.

The goal is to observe your abilities and improve your strategies to accomplish various tasks and projects. By assessing goals and outcomes, you’re better equipped to shift efforts and strategies. You can then develop, find, and allocate resources to optimize performance. The more experience you have in managing your thinking, the easier it’ll get.

Metacognition in action

Metacognition for task completion

process improvement graphic: plan, try, review, act

Metacognitive processes can be applied at any point throughout the execution of a task. Therefore, you are learning and adjusting along the way.

Beforehand: Look ahead to what is in front of you: What is the goal of this assignment? Do I have what I need to work on this task? What is my first step? Second step?

During: Notice your progress: How is my plan working? Am I making progress? Do I need to make any adjustments? Where do I need help? Who will I ask for assistance? What do I know about this topic/situation/problem already that could assist me here? Where can I find the information I need?

Afterwards: Consider the process as well as the accomplishment. What did I do well? What could I have done differently?

Metacognition for social interactions

In addition to task completion, metacognitive thinking can be applied to social interactions. You create a valuable feedback loop when you practice asking yourself open-ended questions that foster self-reflection:

“How am I feeling?”

“What’s helped me before that I could apply to this situation?”

“What is the impact of my words or behaviors on others?”

"Where has my attention been drawn to during this conversation?"

“What are their faces and bodies showing me?”

Tips for more beneficial metacognitive practices

1. Practice body awareness

Another way to manage your thinking and increase self-awareness is to notice your body sensations. Are you starting to feel anxious or tense? Is it time to shift gears in order to feel more relaxed?

2. Keep observations neutral

It's very important that you don't use self-evaluation as a pathway for self-criticism. For metacognitive abilities to be useful, they have to be neutral. Instead of asking, "Why can't I do this differently?" ask, "How can I do this differently, and what support do I need to make this happen?"

3. Practice a growth mindset

Reframe self-evaluation from good/bad to working/not working to avoid negativity, reinforce a growth mindset and bolster resilience. Metacognitive thinking is a powerful tool which allows you to acknowledge problems without succumbing to failure mentality or difficulties and giving up. It’s a way to focus on continued learning, improving efficiency in problem solving and identifying tools and resources needed for support.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

ADHD and Metacognition - Executive Functioning Support (ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)

Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Sources: Allen, Micah, et al. “Metacognitive Ability Correlates with Hippocampal and Prefrontal Microstructure.” NeuroImage, vol. 149, 2017, pp. 415–423., https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2017.02.008. Fleur, Damien, Bredeweg, B. & van den Bos, W. "Metacognition: ideas and insights from neuro- and educational sciences." NPJ Science of Learning, vol. 6, no. 13, 2021. https://doi.org/10.1038/41539.2056-7936.

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 10/19/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 10/19/21

Social Anxiety and ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation

Man smiling and socializing at a cafe with two friends Social anxiety is a fear that people will scrutinize you in either familiar or unfamiliar social situations, and this negative judgment will have harmful effects on you. These worries about humiliation and rejection are persistent, often last six months or more, and restrict your activities, interests and relationships. The Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA) states that approximately 15 million adults in the U.S. (6.8% of the population) meet the criteria for Social Anxiety Disorder, also called social phobia, and it typically starts in adolescence--around 13 years old. Overcoming social anxiety is not easy, and it's a common struggle for children, teens and adults with ADHD. About 50% of adults with ADHD and up to 30% of children with ADHD also have a coexisting anxiety disorder. While you may not be able to overcome social anxiety overnight, you can learn to manage it better with a few key strategies.

Does this sound familiar?

“I feel that a lot of times I genuinely do want to socialize and get to know people. But trauma and fear of rejection disables me from doing it. It’s hard to fight my brain to meet this goal.” – Gunther, age 18 “I have ADHD and social anxiety. The ADHD makes you physically awkward and it makes you stand out. I'm in my 30s and I'm terrified of socializing. It started when I was a kid. It's terrible. I'm a complete hermit.” - Anthony, age 35 When you worry so much about being negatively judged, you can’t really be yourself, make rewarding friendships, or build a satisfying life. Instead, social anxiety blocks you every step of the way.

Sources of social anxiety

Overcoming social anxiety begins with understanding its root causes. It most often stems from one or more of the following: outcast teen left out of group

Limited exposure to positive social experiences
Genetics (people with anxious parents are more prone to anxiety)
History of being bullied
Memories of public humiliation
A general discomfort communicating with people

Other causes of social anxiety may come from feeling that you can’t relate to people or you haven’t learned proper social skills. For teens especially, dating, bullying and peer pressure all contribute to social anxiety. Social anxiety goes beyond shyness or introversion. One of its most important traits is a response to a trigger or situation which is above and beyond the actual threat of that situation. For example: You are so freaked out that everyone is looking at you when you are in line at the café that you don’t even try to stay and order a coffee. In reality, nobody is looking at you other than the server who takes your order. The worst part of social anxiety is that you know what you are doing makes no sense, and yet you can’t stop it anyway.

Symptoms of social anxiety

Some symptoms of social anxiety overlap with the characteristics of ADHD which makes diagnosis and treatment particularly complicated. People with ADHD who already struggle with understanding or missing social cues and wrestling with big emotions are particularly vulnerable to social anxiety.

Common symptoms:

Feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious when talking to people outside of your immediate family and/or keeping conversations very short
Having trouble making or keeping friends
Worrying for days or even weeks before a social event
Being intensely afraid other people will negatively judge you
Avoiding experiences or places where social interaction will occur (parties, classes, stores, restaurants, gyms, grocery stores, etc.)
Being embarrassed to eat in front of others
Experiencing panic attacks including nausea, shaking or perspiration in social environments

Managing social anxiety

Teens and adults with ADHD may experience social anxiety differently depending on the situation. You may be anxious about talking in class but be comfortable with working out at the gym. It’s important to understand in which environments you experience discomfort, and work on developing coping mechanisms for those settings.

1. Start with small goals

Instead of pressuring yourself to hang out with a group of people on multiple occasions, set up some one-to-one get-togethers with friends or family. These will help you practice your social skills in less overwhelming situations, where you can talk and listen without the distraction of larger crowds.

2. Create a strategy for larger gatherings

overcoming social anxiety talk to trusted friend Talk through a coping strategy with a parent, sibling, counselor or coach. Think about who feels safe to talk to, who understands that you struggle with social anxiety, and whom you want to avoid. Prepare a one-liner response for when people ask how you are doing: “Nice to see you,” “School/work is going well,” “How are you?”

3. Plan your escape

Decide in advance what you will do if you feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable. Where will you go? The bathroom is always a safe bet as everyone uses it, and it won’t seem odd that you are going there. When you are feeling overloaded, step outside for a few minutes to regroup.

4. Plan for recovery time

overcoming social anxiety relaxing with cat Most people with social anxiety need time to recover from the output of energy, thought and emotion that interactions demand of them.

Make a list of things you like to do that will help you chill out and nurture yourself. Post this list in your room and remind yourself to use it!

Many people with social anxiety feel badly about themselves and wish they were different. The truth is, there shouldn't be any shame in feeling socially anxious, and it's common for people with or without ADHD. You are not alone, and you can manage social anxiety effectively with the right support.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel: [embed]https://youtu.be/TUOPKtSbR2w[/embed] Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/anxiety/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Sources: Adult ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA. (2021, October 19). Retrieved October 19, 2021, from https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/related-illnesses/other-related-conditions/adult-adhd. Coexisting Conditions. Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD). Retrieved October 19, 2021, from https://chadd.org/about-adhd/coexisting-conditions/. Relationship Between ADHD and Anxiety. Healthline. (2016, December 15). Retrieved October 19, 2021, from https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd-and-anxiety. Understanding Anxiety & Depression: Facts & Statistics. Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA. (2021, September 19). Retrieved October 19, 2021, from https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/facts-statistics.

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 10/13/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 10/13/21

ADHD Misconceptions: How to respond to 4 damaging false beliefs and assumptions about ADHD

man looking holding his hands to his head and looking in disbelief about ADHD misconceptions someone is sharing with him As we continue to celebrate ADHD Awareness Month, I’d like to offer you support and suggestions for dealing with people who don’t understand what it’s like to live with ADHD or believe that it truly exists. Maybe it's your friend, boss, teacher, coach or a family member. ADHD misconceptions and myths negatively impact people with ADHD, and those who support them, every day. Here are some comments that folks just like you have shared about the biases, judgments and frustrations they encounter every day. We'll review why these are beliefs and assumptions are false and how you can respond to them with calm confidence.

4 Common ADHD Misconceptions:

1. ADHD is a lack of willpower.

“I’m tired of hearing that I’m not trying, or I just make excuses.”
“People think I don’t want help. What I don’t want is for someone to tell me to do something that makes no sense to my brain.”
“People think we are just hyperactive, stupid or lazy. They don’t understand that we need a different way to understand concepts or approach tasks.”

conversation between two women at a restaurant, one looking a bit unsure of what the other is saying One of the biggest ADHD misconceptions is that people with ADHD don't have willpower. But people with ADHD actually have a lot of willpower: You face each day and do the best you can while living with significant executive functioning challenges. You have determination: you try to apply yourself to a variety of tasks in a variety of situations. Lower levels of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain make it much more difficult to muster up the energy and concentration for things that seem uninteresting or unfulfilling and yet, kids and adults with ADHD figure out how to do this when they have access to appropriate supports. You (and/or your child) are a neurodivergent, outside-the-box thinker, which can be a great asset to any project, classroom, team or job. You are warriors.

How you can respond:

When someone talks about laziness or a lack of willpower, consider responding by saying: "ADHD is a biologically-based condition that affects executive functioning skills such as organization, time management and planning. I’m building those skills every day. If you’d like to learn more about ADHD, I’m happy to share some information with you." Remember that you are warriors, regardless of what others think.

2. Everybody has a little ADHD.

“A little ADHD. Haha. That’s called distraction.”
“People think if you are not hyper and wild, you don’t have ADHD.”
“Don’t we all have ADHD because of computers and smartphones?"

Person with ADHD sitting at her computer at an office while her boss standing beside her looks upset with her There are different types of ADHD (hyperactive-impulsive, inattentive and combination) and different levels of symptomology (mild, moderate or severe). However, there is no such thing as “a little ADHD," and technology does not cause ADHD. Using technology and multitasking can exacerbate symptoms of inattention and impulsivity, but they don’t cause ADHD. ADHD is rooted in a person’s neurology. This is why “everybody has ADHD” is not a valid statement. What we have today is a distracted society, with kids and adults alike accustomed to being virtually connected at all times and expecting immediate responses to questions or problems. These statements minimize your experience as an adult with ADHD, or as a parent of someone with ADHD. It’s easy to feel hurt or angry when you hear them.

How you can respond:

While you might feel frustrated, try responding by saying: “While all people can feel distracted and preoccupied at times, that is very different from the biology of having ADHD.” Do not let their ignorance diminish your lived experience, and focus on your personal strengths.

3. ADHD means lower intelligence.

“The assumption is that you can’t be at the top of your class and have ADHD.”
“Kids with ADHD don't have the same abilities as kids without it.”
“How do I convince my daughter she is not broken but needs help to teach her the skills she is just lacking in?”

Having ADHD doesn’t mean that your brain is broken or your intelligence is lower. There is more than one way to view intelligence. Harvard psychologist Howard Gardner's Theory of Multiple Intelligences suggests eight to nine different types, including visual-spatial intelligence, musical intelligence, naturalistic intelligence and more. The reality is that everyone has stronger areas of intelligence than others -- ADHD or not. But even if you're simply concerned about IQ, ADHD is not correlated with someone having a a higher or lower score.

People with ADHD struggle with attending to and remembering certain subjects that they're not interested in--more so than their peers. This is because their memory and attention works differently. What people with ADHD attend to, learn and remember is often determined by what elicits a stronger dopamine response.

This doesn't mean that they can't succeed in subjects that don't interest them, it's just much more difficult for them. However, people with ADHD can -- and often DO -- excel in subjects, and especially those that interest them! They can even hyperfocus on interests and activities that attract their attention (which can be, but is not always, a positive experience).

test paper with a pencil filling in circles for answer A, B, C or D. A person with ADHD might also have a lot of knowledge on a subject but struggle with the format of the "tests" that they're given. Many people with ADHD think, process and recall better in less distracting environments. Some think better when they can move around or fidget. They might need more testing time and/or the flexibility to express their knowledge in different ways. Thus, we can't effectively assess everyone's intelligence with a single testing system that wasn't designed for neurodiverse people.

It's a common and dangerous ADHD misconception to think low intelligence is linked to ADHD. It can harm confidence and self-esteem.

How you can respond:

So how do you respond to this hurtful ADHD misconception? Try saying: "ADHD doesn't correlate with higher or lower intelligence. There are many types of intelligence, and people with ADHD are often intelligent in areas that interest us compared to areas that don't because of how our attention is regulated. Though people with ADHD can struggle in school, it has much more to do with the accessibility and flexibility of the learning and testing systems than it does our intelligence." Though people might want to point out your challenges, I encourage you to reflect on, and focus on, your strengths and interests.

4. ADHD means less success.

“My partner thinks our teenager won't get into a good college because of his ADHD."
"I don't see the point of trying to sell my art, no one's going to want it anyways."
"People think that those with ADHD will always be 'a little behind' their peers."

Growing up, it might have seemed like adults assessed how well we would "succeed in life" based on our school grades, athletic achievements, ability to make and keep friends, etc. Sometimes, it felt that our "success" as a teenager was going to determine the rest of our lives! Kids and teens can get the impression that they're destined for failure when they experience struggles in school. That is far from the truth! But, unfortunately, this belief can negatively impact their mood, self-esteem and motivation. Two people having a good conversation outside of a building Adults with ADHD still experience difficulties, such as executive functioning, emotional dysregulation and impulsivity challenges. But they can also have a greater understanding of their needs and strengths. They have more experience trying what works and what doesn't. Even though adulthood brings more challenges (it certainly does), there are also more opportunities for exploration, self-discovery, connections, joy and "success." It's hard to ignore the many societal influences we encounter everyday that promotes a limited idea of what "success" should look like, but it's important to reflect on what "success" means to you, personally. This way, you make choices that reflect your own goals. Focus on your strengths, interests and values. What would YOU like to accomplish because YOU want to accomplish it? If you have ADHD, you might notice your interests change more frequently than your peers. This might mean your idea of "success" is changing, too, and that's okay!

How you can respond:

If someone is questioning you or your child's ability to "succeed," consider saying something like this: "What it means to 'succeed' is often different from one person to the next. People with ADHD might need accommodations in certain school, work, social and community settings, but we can thrive academically, professionally, socially, creatively and in other various ways. We often live successful and fulfilling lives." Rather than believing people with ADHD don't have the means to "succeed," how can we focus more on helping people with ADHD access the support and accommodations they need so they have more opportunities to succeed? professional meeting with two people, focusing on one man on a couch

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

How to Deal with & Educate ADHD Doubters (ADDitude ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline)
What the world gets wrong about ADHD - ADHD Awareness Month (ADDitude ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline)
Tips to help your kids make a smooth transition back to school (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal interview with Dr. Saline)

Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Sources: Cherry, K. (2019, July 17). Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences. Verywell Mind. Retrieved October 14, 2021, from https://www.verywellmind.com/gardners-theory-of-multiple-intelligences-2795161. Fletcher, J. (2019, July 11). ADHD and high IQ: What's the link? Medical News Today. Retrieved October 14, 2021, from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325715#are-there-any-links.

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 10/6/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 10/6/21

Celebrate ADHD Awareness Month by Accepting the Wonderful Uniqueness of Living with ADHD

Image of girl with ADHD smiling as she looks through her colorful paint-covered hands she's holding up towards the camera October marks ADHD Awareness Month! Let’s kick this off by focusing on how you can live with more acceptance of ADHD — as an individual, as a family or with your child. As a person moves through life with ADHD, criticism, from others and yourself, not only adds up over the years but also becomes internalized negative beliefs. This inner critic puts you down and makes it seem like you never measure up when compared to neurotypical peers, who seem as if they don’t make as many mistakes or struggle to the same extent. The secret to reducing negative thought patterns and harsh self-judgments lies turning down the volume of this negative self-critic and accepting the brain you have. Maybe it’s forgiving those moments where you forgot an appointment or learning how to laugh when your daughter left her lunch on the counter again. Acceptance begins by normalizing your experiences and recognizing that you're not alone. It begins with self-compassion.

Embrace your ADHD with self-compassion

Adult male with ADHD holding up and pointing to his fidget spinner while smiling Dr. Kristin Neff says that self-compassion is treating yourself with care and understanding instead of harsh judgment. This compassion reduces the isolation that your inner critic thrives on and places you within a common humanity. Instead of feeling alone, unworthy or damaged, you are part of a larger whole — who also experiences disappointment, frustration and low self-esteem at times. All suffering is not the same, of course, but all humans experience pain and suffering in some way that's worthy of empathy. Dr. Neff explains that compassion depends on mindfulness: the ability to sit with things as they are and not deny or minimize them. This is especially important for kids with ADHD, who need to accept themselves — warts and all — in order to learn how to advocate for themselves effectively and see themselves positively as they develop. Self-compassion means asking yourself, "What would help me now? What do I really need at this moment?" instead of, "What's wrong with me? Why can’t I get things right?” It allows someone to stop fighting with themselves and start embracing a growth mindset instead.

Explore who you are, and address feelings of shame

Accepting yourself depends on identifying your strengths, talents and interests while acknowledging and addressing shame. I have been working with kids, teens and adults with ADHD for nearly 30 years, and there is one sad constant that I have seen: every single person has a deep seated sense of shame about having ADHD and/or being 'different' from their peers. Person holding their hand up to their face, looking down and sad, as they stand outside Whether this shame is obvious or buried, many youngsters and adults living with ADHD just don’t feel good about how they manage school, work, life tasks or social relationships next to their peers. Just like your kids, you may compare yourself to others and come up short. Engaging in “compare and despair” not only hurts you but also makes it much harder to foster the resilience and self-compassion that you and your child really need. When shame, doubt and judgement rise to the surface, shift your focus, and talk back to this inner critic: “I don’t have to listen to you. I can pay attention to my inner coach instead.”

Amplify the voice of your inner coach

While you need to know where you struggle to create plans and programs for improvement, it’s equally very important to remember and understand where you succeed, where you are engaged and what makes you feel good about yourself. This inner coach is your other voice — another part of ourselves that's stronger and louder than shame. It comes from the parts of ourselves that we really like. Point of view of someone playing basketball, playing against two neurodiverse kids smiling and having fun, while looking at one playing defense Ask yourself:

- What about myself am I proud of, and what do I do well?
- What do I like about my ADHD?
- Which activities do I really enjoy and wish I could engage in more?

Brainstorm answers to these questions with your kids, too! Maybe you’re a loyal friend or a talented artist; maybe they are a skilled soccer player, delicious baker or enthusiastic pianist. Write down several of these positive aspects, and leave this list in a bedroom, in the kitchen or on your phone.

**Identify what your ADHD means to you.**

One of my 10 year-old clients transformed the term ADHD into a colorful list of words he liked about himself: "I have 'Active, Determined, Heavenly, Dreamer Brain,' or I have 'Amazing, Desirable, Heartwarming, Delightful Brain.'" What a great positive reframe from having a "disorder," which is a term that many people in the ADHD community don't actually agree is an accurate way to describe their ADHD neurotype. According to Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, the ideal positivity ratio is 3 positives for every 1 negative. So, by having his list around, it cued him to notice the positive every day. He increased the volume of the voice of his inner coach while turning down the noise from his inner critic.

Celebrate YOU this ADHD Awareness Month

ADHD Awareness Month is about celebrating who you are. Celebrate by noticing what is working, what goes well and what you like about yourself. Help your kids do the same! Couple with ADHD outside in the fall, standing, hugging and laughing in front of a table set with tea There are so many wonderful aspects of being a creative, outside-the-box thinker. Can your family name these or make a fun poster to hang in the kitchen during October? People who live with ADHD make our world a much richer place. Take pride in the things you or your kids do that are unique, funny, artistic, athletic and brilliant. Accepting yourself with self-compassion allows you to be good enough just as you are: a wonderful, perfectly imperfect human being, and unique — just like everybody else! Enjoy this ADHD Awareness Month — dedicated to you!!

ADHD Awareness Month Events with Dr. Sharon Saline:

ADHD Awareness Expo (10/1 - 10/31) Hosted by Tara McGillicuddy

ADHD Awareness graphic, text says "ADHD Awareness" on the top and "October" on the bottom against a purple background with a large gold ribbon design flowing across the middle.

TADD Talks for ADHD Awareness (10/1 - 10/31) Hosted by ADDA

3rd Annual ADHD EdCamp Home (10/9) Hosted by Brooke Schnittman, Dr. Christina Seamster, Lynn Miner-Rosen and Melissa Knight

On The Right ADHD Trail Telesummit (10/15 - 10/17) Hosted by Cathy Goett

Join me at the 2021 Virtual International Conference on ADHD in November! It's a fantastic place to learn, socialize and have fun with hundreds of people living with ADHD — just like you! Register here!

2021 Virtual International Conference on ADHD graphic promo: November 4-6, #ADHDCON2021

View all upcoming events with Dr. Sharon Saline.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

How Do I Explain ADHD Without Shame? (ADDitude ADHD Parenting Q&A with Dr. Saline)
Tips for Helping ADHD Kids and Families Share Feelings (ADDitude ADHD Parenting Q&A with Dr. Saline)
How to Deal with & Educate ADHD Doubters (ADDitude ADHD Parenting Q&A with Dr. Saline)

Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/shame/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 9/27/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 9/27/21

Low Motivation and ADHD: Using 'GRIT' to tackle the essential tasks when you're just not interested

Woman with low motivation and ADHD, looking disinterested at the vegetables in front of her on the counter. Handling tasks and obligations we don’t enjoy is a part of everyday life. There are always meals to cook, laundry to do and garbage to take out. Most of us need to push ourselves to do tedious chores. Those with ADHD find it especially difficult to get started and follow through on boring, unpleasant tasks. This can lead to frustration, discouragement and even shame. It can also appear as negativity or procrastination. My GRIT method can help adults and kids learn two essential life skills: how to get motivated and how to see the work through to completion. GRIT is a process by which you get yourself ready to do a task or a work project, stay with it, apply consistent effort and finish a part or all of it. Let’s take a closer look.

People with ADHD lack dopamine, not willpower

The perception that people with ADHD lack grit or willpower is simply not true. ADHD is not a lack of willpower, but rather a condition of being unable to harness the abilities that you have to motivate yourself on something that interests you, and then apply them to something that does not. Dopamine plays an important role here.

People with ADHD are deficient in dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter involved in the reward pathway of the brain that can fuel motivation and action. Young people with ADHD, who have also yet to develop strong internal motivation (which usually develops in early adulthood), have an especially tough time feeling any motivation to start or finish day-to-day or long-term tasks and projects.

Grit is the steadfastness and persistence you need to stick with something and complete it. The GRIT method will help you achieve results and enjoy that wonderful sense of accomplishment.

Building Motivation: The What and The Why

In order to build motivation when you have ADHD, it is important to identify what you want to accomplish and why, and set goals accordingly.

Ask yourself:

- - What do I want to achieve?
  - Why is this goal important?

Writing goals in notebook

Here are some examples:

- - I have to pay my bills by the end of the day to avoid late fees.
  - I want to do the laundry so I can wear my favorite outfit to work.

Similarly, children stand a better chance of finishing unpleasant tasks by setting goals for themselves rather than relying on external motivators:

- - Once I clean my room, I’ll be able to watch a movie.

Understanding your goals will not only help motivate you but will make it easier to see the work through to completion. This is an especially important skill for kids and teens to practice as they learn to manage schoolwork and chores independently.

Set Realistic Expectations

Once you’ve identified your goals, create realistic expectations of your capability, available resources and time constraints. Make a plan for when, where and how you’ll get things done. Try breaking large tasks down into smaller, more manageable pieces.

If it's unrealistic that you’ll wash, dry and fold a load of laundry on a weeknight, split up the work between two nights. Easy tasks can be done anywhere, but difficult tasks might require a quiet room or a stretch of time with minimal interruptions. Consider these constraints and plan accordingly.

Use GRIT to help manage your everyday tasks:

Get situated.

Todo list

Think about your tasks, do a brain dump and assign numbers to the first 3 items. Then, write where and when you want to do them.

Break your first and second items down into smaller chunks. Finish these first two items before moving on to the next one.

Consider starting your own Personal Project Planner to help you visualize the steps and process of more lengthy or complicated projects.

Resist distraction.

Set reminders. Ask yourself, "How long can I do something before I get bored?” If it's 20 minutes, do your tasks in 20 minutes. Write yourself a note marking where you left off. Go on your break, set the time, go back to what you were doing. Don't try to do something for an hour if that’s an unrealistic expectation. It will end in criticism and negative self-talk. We're all about positive self-talk when building motivation with ADHD.

Implement incentives that matter.

Start with small steps and identify achievable goals. Put the “have-to” before the “want-to,” and use incentives. Watch your TV show after you do the dinner dishes. Meet your friend for coffee after you turn in your project. Use incentives that matter to kids and collaborate with them on setting up the agreement.

**Take small steps, and positively talk yourself through the tasks.**

Family high five

Instead of saying to yourself, "Why can't I get more done? Why didn't I do this the way it should have been done?" say, "Look at what I was able to do!” Model positivity for your kids.

Try a “high and a low," or a "happy and a crappy” exercise at dinner to highlight the day's wins.

Consider writing down three good things or accomplishments each night before bed.

Low motivation is a common struggle for people with ADHD. But you CAN overcome it. Enable yourself with the right motivational tools and a positive can-do attitude. Make it a point to acknowledge each accomplishment, no matter how small.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline’s YouTube Channel:

- What's my motivation? ADHD & Motivation (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
- Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
- 4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)

Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 9/22/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 9/22/21

Starting Tasks with ADHD: How to help kids and teens feel motivated to get the ball rolling!

Teen boy with ADHD completing his homework Have you ever asked your teen with ADHD to start their homework--over and over--and, still, they don't sit down to do it? Even if they're failing the class, and it means they won’t be able to play on the basketball team? Even if it means that they won’t be able to go out on Friday night? It’s hard not to become immensely frustrated with their behavior at this point. But, most often, starting tasks with ADHD is challenging because they lack the motivation, either internal or external, that would get them going. How can you, as their parent, assist them in developing much-needed motivation?

Internal vs. External Motivation: Getting to the starting line

Let’s first reflect on ourselves and what helps us do things.

Father and son with ADHD working together to wash the dishes, son is washing father is drying.

It’s easy to do something you like, whether it’s reading an engrossing novel or playing tennis on a sunny day. It is MUCH harder to do something that you don’t like, such as folding laundry or taking out the trash.

When a task is fundamentally unrewarding or uninteresting, we are not very compelled to do it. We lack internal motivation.

When a task doesn’t have meaningful deadlines or immediate consequences to get us started (i.e. your boss expects the report tomorrow), it lacks external motivation. In both cases, we have to find something to get us going, and neurotypical adult brains rely on fully matured frontal lobes to do so.

Why your child or teen with ADHD struggles to start tasks

Children and teens with ADHD have not yet developed the executive functioning skills to overcome poor focus, disinterest or boredom to get unpleasant tasks done. They often do not possess the strategies or solutions to address either internal or external motivation deficits. If something seems unappealing, they turn away from it--even if the consequences are serious.

Most kids have to rely on external rewards to rouse themselves. Internal motivation, and the satisfaction a person receives when a dreaded task is completed, comes later– in early adulthood. So children and teens need help from adults in their lives to create external rewards that are both meaningful and encouraging.

Group of neurodiverse teens in a circle working on homework together

3 simple steps to get your child with ADHD feeling MOTIVATED:

1. Talk about the concept of external motivation

Most ADHD children and teens will acknowledge when they struggle with focusing and what tasks lack inherent interest or value for them. Ask what has assisted them in doing such things in the past and what would entice them to do them now.

2. Decide in advance with your child what the rewards will be for finishing something that is difficult to do

For example, if your son finishes his history project on time, maybe he can go out for pizza with his friends. Or, if he works for 30 minutes, he can earn 10 minutes of social media or music time.

Do not remove the agreed upon reward if he engages in a separate behavior that you don’t like. If he earned the reward for doing the agreed-upon activity, then he should have it.

3. Break the task down

Remember: Most ADHD kids and teens have a great deal of difficulty starting something unpleasant because the task seems too large. Break it down into smaller components with timed rest periods during which your child or teen can engage in a desired activity.

Putting it all into practice: Helping your kid with ADHD start tasks -- without the arguments.

Let’s say, for example, your 12 year old daughter’s room is a mess. It's been in this state for a few weeks now, and you're anxiously waiting for her to at least get started on cleaning it up.

Your perspective:

Now, as an experienced adult who has cleaned many rooms in your lifetime, you can easily see what needs to get done--especially if you're neurotypical. You can quickly imagine an order in which she could complete the steps and about how long each task would take.

You can also imagine the final product: a beautiful, comfortable and welcoming bedroom. It's a delightful, desirable, intrinsically motivating outcome that would keep you pushing through the tedious tasks of cleaning and organizing.

Your daughter's perspective:

Your neurodivergent daughter, on the other hand, doesn't see the task of cleaning her room from your perspective. She has a harder time seeing the project in small steps and is immediately overwhelmed with the thought of starting anywhere.

It seems like there's too much to handle because there's more than she can tackle at one time. She's having a hard time seeing the smaller steps involved that she could work on here and there. She's also struggling to imagine organizing her room more efficiently. With school books to read, friendships to grow and soccer games to win, she's not focusing on a cleaning project that involves more internal motivation than external.

Step 1: Before approaching her about your concern, ask yourself it it's the right time.

Teen girl with ADHD organizing her bedroom closet.

Are you going to push the topic because of your discomfort of walking by a messy room, or because you think a more organized room would genuinely help her?

Is she is the right headspace to consider tackling her room? For instance, it wouldn't be best to bring up the topic during a day that she's feeling stressed about an upcoming exam. And, even if you're familiar with the mood-boosting effects cleaning and organizing can bring, don't ask her to focus on cleaning her room when she's in a low mood after a disagreement with a friend. Unless they know they enjoy cleaning, another activity would be more comforting in that moment. For someone who has ADHD, feeling physically, mentally or emotionally drained will only make it more difficult for them to engage their executive functioning skillset.

Step 2: Bring up your concern, and listen to her side of the story, too.

Sit down with your daughter and discuss your concern with her bedroom. Ask her how she feels about it. Does it bother her? Does she have a method of organization that works for her, even if you don't understand it? Help her understand the potential benefits of a clean, inviting room; for herself, her guests and your family. See if she feels a difference between walking into a clean room (you can use yours as an example) and a disorganized room.

Step 3: Brainstorm a plan and solutions to any organizational changes that need to be addressed.

If she's feeling stuck with where to start, write a list of the smaller steps that make up the project as a whole. Ask if there are ways you can help reorganize her room. Is it time for a bigger bookshelf? Can you offer a trip to the local donation center to drop off some old clothes and free up more space in her closet?

Step 4: Build on external motivation.

Rather than promising more items that will only add to the organization project, perhaps plan a fun weekend outing together when you can drop off the clothes. You can pick up some ice cream or stop by their cousin's house for a visit. What is an activity that she'll genuinely enjoy, and perhaps help you both connect more positively?

Step 5: Plan how long you'll tackle each step.

Think realistically together about how long she can actually work before she gets distracted. Let’s say, 20 minutes. Set up three 20 minute work periods with 5 minute movement, snack or bathroom breaks.

Mom and daughter with ADHD laughing together as they hide and talk under a blanket Remember, your child or teen might need help figuring out where to begin, or they might want you to stay in their room to help guide them through the process. Your skills, ideas and encouragement can be a key to their success! Good luck with your efforts, and let's get started!!

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline's YouTube Channel:

- Initiating and Completing Tasks with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
- Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
- 4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)

Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 9/14/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 9/14/21

Planning and Prioritizing Practices for ADHD Brains: What's the plan, and when do you start?!

A team of three neurodiverse adults organizing sticky notes on a glass window, picture is from the point of view behind the glass and sticky notes. Does it ever seem like you have way too much to do, and every task looks equally important and daunting? Many kids and adults with ADHD struggle to figure out what the order of doing things should look like and how to get started. This contributes to the common experience of feeling overwhelmed. There often needs to be a crisis or something unpleasant will occur if you don’t do the task right now. Planning and prioritizing are executive functions that are closely related to organization, time management and initiation. However, these skills can be improved individually, and here are some practices to help get you started.

The Core Principles of Prioritizing

Before learning techniques to help you (and your kids) decide what to do, in which order and when to begin, let’s look at the fundamental principles of prioritizing: urgency and importance. Urgent tasks cause us to react immediately and stop whatever else we are doing to attend to them. Urgency reflects a time pressure or a deadline. Important tasks represent the significance we attribute to something. They also reflect our life values and guide us towards our purpose and goals.

Teen with ADHD planning and drawing out a blueprint in a woodworking shop at school

How we prioritize things, and understand their relevance, depends on two connected factors:

1. 1. The first revolves around when something needs to be accomplished and why it needs to be accomplished, based on what we know about it.
  2. The second factor involves emotion: our brain calls up any conscious or unconscious memories about this task (or something like it) from our lived experience. The feelings that go with these memories contribute to how we rate the significance of the task, its interest to us and its inherent rewards.

When we are faced with prioritizing activities, these two factors work together to engage or bore us.

Urgent and Important: Learning the Eisenhower Matrix

The Eisenhower Matrix was developed my President Dwight D. Eisenhower to assist him in choosing which of the many tasks to focus on each day and make difficult decisions. This matrix can be very useful to folks living with ADHD as a tool to help them think about the ways that they prioritize certain items while putting others off.

Here is my adaptation of The Eisenhower Matrix:

- Quadrant 1: Spending time in Q1 means living in crisis mode. Many kids and adults with ADHD live here or put things off until they wind up with emergencies. The intensity of urgency and importance helps motivate them to get things done, but they wind up with lots of stress.
- Quadrant 2: Time in Q2 feels like being in the flow; you are setting goals for yourself, making plans and following through.
- Quadrant 3: When you struggle with managing interruptions and setting boundaries, you probably spend time in Q3.
- Quadrant 4: Q4 is the home of distractions--everything you do to avoid the task at hand.

Stressed out professional adult with ADHD looking down at a desk of colorful sticky notes in front of her laptop while holding her head in her hands

Spend time reflecting on the following questions:

- Where do you spend your time? - In which quadrant does your child or teen hang out? - How can you spend more time in Q2 and less time in Q1 and Q4?

To improve the ability to prioritize, we have to strengthen our capacity to determine time pressures (deadlines); schedule plans, work, homework, personal projects, chores and errands, and then reasonably estimate how long something will take and rely on a system of organization. Then, you’ll have to break tasks down into small enough, bite-sized chunks to get started on them. This typically means using the exact executive functioning skills that are naturally challenging for ADHD brains.

4 Steps To Approach Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD:

1. Do a brain dump:

A person standing with her arms out to the side, palms facing up like she is overwhelmed and not sure what do. Her eyes are wide open in overwhlem. In an arch circling around her body is a bunch of objects floating in the air resembling what's on her mind - a clock, computer, baby bottle, house, dollar and more.

Many folks with ADHD attempt to hold all of their to-do items in their head or write them on several pieces of paper which they then cannot find. Centralize this process. Pick one location for your lists: your phone, your computer or iPad or a notebook. Sit down and take two deep breaths: breathe in for 4, hold for 4 and breathe out for 6. Now, write down everything you can recall that you need to do. You probably won’t get everything in one sitting--that’s fine. You can come back and add things as necessary.

2. Assign time and importance values to your tasks:

Pick a time value (when is this due?) and an importance value (how critical or significant is this?) for each of these items in order to prioritize them. This is where most kids and adults with ADHD get stuck. Everything seems equally critical, unless there’s a real emergency that’s pressing. I’ve created this chart with some examples to help you create your own. You can also use Post-it notes to help you move things around and schedule them.

TASK	DUE DATE	SIGNIFICANCE	PRIORITY NUMBER
Laundry	None	I have no clean socks	2
Work Report/History Project	Friday - in 2 days	Performance/50% grade	1
Making dentist appointment	Haven’t had a teeth cleaning in 2 years	Cavities, gum disease or other concerns	3

To decide the priority number, ask yourself these questions:

- What will happen if I don’t do this? - What will happen if I do this? - Which task am I leaning towards avoiding?

The more you don’t want to do something, the more likely that it’s important to start. These answers are usually very personal. Some people might rank making the dental appointment over the socks and will wear a used pair again. For me, I prefer clean socks and I can make the dental appointment when I’ve started the laundry.

3. Make an accountability buddy, or be a body double:

Couple with ADHD smiling and having a good time helping each other stay on task as one holds the baby and one folds laundry in their laundry. room. It’s usually easier to determine your priorities when you have support. Having someone to discuss ideas with or talk through urgent and important issues can be extremely helpful to kids and adults with ADHD. Planning and prioritizing are executive functioning skills that really benefit from direct instruction, so having another person there to assist you is essential.

As adults, think about a friend or family member who can support you as you do the laundry, clean up the kitchen or break down the steps to approach your work report. With kids, you are that buddy.

Become a body double: sit with them while they pick up their clothes from the floor and fold the clean stuff. Or, review their brain dump and talk through how to choose where to start.

4. Be patient and persistent:

Planning and prioritizing on a regular basis takes practice and time. Expect to stumble and feel frustrated. This is a tough skill to learn and practice makes progress! Most people, with and without ADHD, struggle with this skill so be kind to yourself and compassionate with your kids as you embark on improving it.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline's YouTube Channel:

Initiating and Completing Tasks with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)

Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 9/7/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 9/7/21

Cooling Down Conversations in Neurodiverse Families: De-escalate and do-over with 'WAIT-Now' and 'Take Back of the Day'

Dad and teen walking in the park and having a positive conversation Have you ever said something to your child or teen that you wished you could take back? In the heat of the moment, it’s all too easy to let our emotions take over instead of choosing our words carefully. Most parents lose their cool at one time or another. Similarly, many neurodiverse kids and teens who struggle with impulsivity and self-regulation can say things they wish they hadn’t. Cooling down conversations once they've heated up doesn't come easy for most people. Jesse, age 14, told me: “Sometimes I interrupt too much. I can reign it in if I need to, but I’m not always aware that I’m doing it.” We all have said the wrong thing during a stressful conversation, instantly regretted it, and wished for a “do-over” button. That’s why I created two tools to help you and your family better manage escalations and improve communication.

Cooling Down Conversations with Two Main Strategies

Teen boy leaning against a brick wall talking on the phone to a parent The WAIT-Now method helps you and your child take that needed pause to reconsider what you’re saying, why you’re saying it, and how you might be able to express yourself differently. Instead of blowing your cool and regretting it later, you’ll practice regaining control of the conversation, staying calm and communicating more effectively. If and when something regrettable is said, Take Back of the Day allows everyone in the family one opportunity to take it back, reconsider it, offer an apology if desired and restate what was on their mind. Family members accept this offering, practice forgiveness, and move on past the friction. Let’s take a closer look at each of these tools and how to apply them.

De-escalate with the "WAIT-Now" method

The WAIT-Now Method stands for: "Why Am I Talking Now?" It is an approach that teaches self-control by focusing on self-evaluation (metacognition).

How it works:

Rather than giving in to your automatic response in a tense or uncomfortable situation with your kids, you de-escalate by actively telling yourself to WAIT. Notice what you are saying to your child or teen, how they are responding and where the conversation is headed. Picture of a neurodiverse family meeting, focusing on hands and body language If it’s going downhill, pause and ask yourself these questions:

- Why am I talking now?
- Do I need to be saying this?
- Is this a one-way lecture or a two-way conversation?

How do we notice what’s going on with the other person in the conversation What are the signs that someone is paying attention to you or has drifted off? By slowing down to self-reflect, you become better equipped to manage the situation and respond to your child’s needs at that moment. Cooling down conversations relieves the tension so you can listen and respond more intentionally. Moreover, WAIT-Now offers you an opportunity to demonstrate, model, and teach your child how to think through choices about what they say and when they say it.

Why it helps:

Parent kneeling down and comforting and talking to their child who looks sad sitting on the couch Many children, especially neurodiverse kids, struggle with communicating, managing their emotions and picking up social cues. We, as their loving parents, must guide them toward better outcomes, teaching them by example. As children move into adolescence, stress, conflict, and anxiety become more common. Teens experiment and try new things, learning what works for them and what doesn’t along the way. They vacillate between pushing parents away and then relying on them. It’s confusing for everyone, and often results in a terrain of emotional minefields. The bottom line is that neurodiverse kids with executive functioning challenges, just like kids without them, want to feel heard. In fact, they seek this more often than they want solutions. They lash out at you because you are a safe arena to express their frustration. The WAIT-Now Method helps enable our children to manage their own big emotions. It fosters a more peaceful, constructive and mutually-respectful environment for your family.

The WAIT-Now method is for the whole family.

Teaching WAIT-Now starts with a calm conversation with your child or teen. Explain what it is and why it’s a technique worth trying. Emphasize that this is something your whole family can work on, parents and children alike. When we frame a new experience or approach in a way which highlights the benefits for our child or teen, they are more likely to be receptive. Neurodiverse family of four having a positive family meeting in the living room

Here’s the tough part for parents: We need to practice this skill set so our kids can feel what it is like to receive it.

Kids who shut down during an argument because they feel lectured or nagged are demonstrating important things: overwhelm and exclusion. Cooling down these conversations is just as important as calming ones fueled with anger. Their shutting down behaviors show that they can’t take in any more information, or they sense that their input doesn’t matter. When you see these signs, pause and assess why you are talking. Should you say everything you are thinking? Listen to your kids and reflect back what you hear them say. This is typically a more effective intervention than telling them what to do. It honors who they are and what makes sense to them. It shows you are attuned to their needs and goes a long way in building trust and closeness between parent and child.

Take back and try again with a "Take Back of the Day"

You can build upon WAIT-Now by establishing a practice I call "Take Back of the Day." You get one do-over, and take back something you regret saying.

How it works:

Neurodiverse mother and daughter having an effective important conversation together on the couch, making eye contact and listening

Model for your children how to admit to your mistakes and how to move forward with care and grace. Apologize if need be, and offer up a different approach or more carefully chosen words. We all do or say the wrong thing now and again, and taking responsibility for our failings is a crucial life skill. Show your child how to recover from hurtful words or actions in a loving and respectful manner. When you practice and teach the WAIT-Now method and its companion, Take Back of the Day, you empower your child to learn to monitor and express themselves differently. Cooling down heated conversations will come easier for all of you. WAIT-Now and Take Back of the Day foster the listening, compassion and engagement neurodiverse kids and their families need to live with more closeness and better communication.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on YouTube:

ADHD and Oppositional Defiance (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
Anger Management with ADHD (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)

Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/apologies/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 8/30/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 8/30/21

Tone of Voice Awareness in Neurodiverse Families: How to practice self-regulation in family conflicts

teen getting angry at mom as mom takes away computer from her Neurodiverse families often struggle with emotional reactivity and verbal impulse control. Negative feelings and unpleasant words can intensify in the blink of an eye. Still, when the moments arise, it's hard enough to calm down your own emotions -- let alone the emotions of your child, teen or partner. Where do you even start? When that tone of voice (the one you're all too familiar with) enters the picture, you can use the quick and direct steps of "T.O.V." to help initiate a process of self-reflection and self-regulation for your family and yourself. Tone of voice awareness takes practice, but it's a skill that will improve family communication and connections for years to come.

Family conflict: A familiar story

You are almost finished cooking dinner, a meal you've been planning since your last shopping trip a few days ago. You made sure to plan a meal that the whole family can enjoy, taking into account your son's eating specifications. Everyone has had a rough week transitioning back into school mode. On top of that, work has been a bit overwhelming. You've been dealing with headaches on and off, and are ready for some quiet time. You have been looking forward to this meal all week, if not only to have some quality time with your family. You go to pull the roast out of the oven and call the kids in to help prepare the table. Your daughter comes in and begins to work with place settings. You call your son in - for the third time - and he stomps in, muttering about how he wasn't able to finish the level in his video game. Mother sitting on the couch with her head on her hands while her kids run past out of focus.

You remind him he has plenty of time after dinner to wrap up his game and save it. In the middle of your sentence, you hear a commotion, high-pitched screech. You turn, and the kids are going at it. "She took my favorite cup!" he yells. They begin to chase each other around the kitchen.

You huff as you try to get the food from your prep station to the table without tripping over them. "If you had come in to help when I first called, you could have chosen your favorite cup." "It's not fair!" he screams, and hits his fist on the table, scattering silverware and causing a side dish to fall. Your heart rate spikes, your face flushes. You want to scream, but you know you have to set a good example. Your headache increases in intensity.

**How did your easygoing family evening escalate into this?**

Why can't your son use another of your many drinking glasses? When will he learn to modulate how he expresses himself and be more cooperative? Why did you allow yourself to be upset by him in the first place? You're aware that impulsivity and emotional dysregulation are challenges for your neurodiverse family. And yet, here you are again, ready to pull your hair out.

Enter: Tone Of Voice Awareness

Neurodiverse family conflict outside by a pond, a teen yelling angrily at parent in wheelchair while the other parent looks away upset So often, neurodivergent kids aren't really aware of how they say things. They might have difficult understanding how what they say (and how they say it) can affect others. They might need guidance learning how to slow down and reflect on what they just expressed. But, since they are often sensitive to criticism, direct feedback can frequently backfire. Discussing the impact of their tone of voice allows your child - and your entire family - to reflect for themselves on how they can say something in a more impactful way. It also allows them to have more tone of voice awareness around their thoughts before they communicate them. Incorporating T.O.V. allows kids to practice several skills simultaneously: emotional regulation, verbal and behavioral impulse control, planning, shifting and personal insight (metacognition). So, where does this lesson start?

How to improve tone of voice (T.O.V.) awareness for more effective family communication

**Step 1: Introduce the concept naturally.**

Mother on the couch sitting with their teen who is talking in a calm tone of voice

Introducing T.O.V. won't be very helpful unless it is introduced at a time when everyone is willing to listen and learn. In a calm moment, you explain to your neurodivergent child or teen that sometimes everyone needs help with improving tone of voice awareness and learning how their words and their tone of voice affect others.

If you have multiple children, it is important to include everyone in the conversation. This will make everyone feel like they are an equal part of the conversation, and will keep you from singling anyone out. Let them know that you will be saying "T.O.V." out loud when you think they should reflect on how they are speaking to someone. Allow them a minute or two to practice their tone of voice awareness and pivot how they are speaking. Encourage them to try again.

Step 2: Be prepared that it might not always work immediately.

If your child or teen can't manage their emotions enough to change their communication style, then encourage a timed break. Allow them - and yourself - personal space to breathe and regroup. Many times, a 10-15 minute break is all it takes. But be prepared for it to take a little longer, depending on everyone's headspace.

Step 3: Be willing to forgive and move on.

When your child or teen is successful in practicing tone of voice awareness and adjusts how they are speaking to you, your job is to appreciate their efforts, accept their attitude adjustment, and move forward. Positive steps in the right direction include speaking slower or quieter and using more polite, less aggressive, language. Let them know how much their attitude adjustment means to you. Positive reinforcement is very important, especially in any child/adult relationship.

Remember, T.O.V. is a tool for everyone.

Neurodiverse teen boy and father making eye contact and having a conversation in the living room, view point from behind father. As much as you may be using "T.O.V." to help improve your child's communication efforts, you need to know your kids could call you out, too! How you respond to this is incredibly important. A good approach is to acknowledge your feelings, or laugh and admit that you are also capable of messing up. While you don't want to create an environment where everyone is calling out "T.O.V." constantly, you do want to lead by example in combative situations, and take the opportunity to practice tone of voice awareness for yourself! Be selective when you use it, and they will be encouraged to do so as well. More than anything, it's important to realize that everyone is human. You can only react to things as your mood allows, and making sure you set everyone up with the proper tools to learn and grow through the aggressive moments can be very impactful.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on YouTube:

ADHD and Oppositional Defiance (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
Anger Management with ADHD (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)

https://drsharonsaline.com/product/managing-technology-families-video/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 8/25/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 8/25/21

Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!

Person with ADHD sitting by a fireplace and holding a pencil to their face as they sit on a couch holding their personal project planner. Projects can be difficult. Whether you're putting off a project, or just slugging through each part of it over the course of what seems like months, a new undertaking can really drain you. No matter how small a project, or how large a task, we have all experienced anxiety around completing something, especially if we or a loved one have ADHD. Fortunately, personal project planners can really help to diminish the overwhelm. The goal of using any planner is to provide structure for planning, prioritizing, and sequencing aspects of executive functioning skills. These are the processes that get you from the beginning to the end of a task. Different types of forms or personal project planners can make a task feel manageable. Here is why.

Beginning tasks can feel impossible, but creative planners can make them fun!

Starting a new task is challenging for everyone on some level. Whether it feels unpleasant or potentially problematic plays a huge role in the amount of energy a task requires. Simple tasks often feel impossible to people with ADHD. Creating steps to move it along, and then completing them can be challenging for people with executive functioning deficits. Having a formula for success can be important, and a personal project planner can do that. While spontaneity is important (and fun) from time to time, it is important to maintain a routine to set expectations and build good habits. This is important for tasks too. Routines offer organization and predictability to kids with ADHD. They comfort them, even if it sometimes seems counter-intuitive. Different designs might spark creativity in some minds, a simple design might feel less chaotic.

Switching from one task to another can be less daunting with personal project planners.

Teen sitting in a skatepark next to his skateboard reading his personal project journal Kids and adults with ADHD often get overwhelmed when they’re asked to stop one activity and start another. Shifting from o ne task to another involves executive functioning skills - such as impulse control, cognitive flexibility and organization -that might not come naturally to them. Knowing how to wrap up where they are in a project, remembering where they’re leaving off so they know how to begin again when it’s time to return, and moving onto something new can be incredibly challenging. Having a planner handy to write down tasks, notes and times can help you keep track of where you are and what's next.

Hyperfocus can make tasks more difficult, especially without a schedule.

Many people with ADHD experience hyperfocus, and it can be a very helpful trait for learning, creativity and productivity. It can, however, be detrimental in certain circumstances. While hyperfocusing on a project or activity can lead to great results, it can also make achieving tasks even tougher because of a lack of awareness of how time passes. Think about how time goes fast when you’re having fun, but at a higher level. No matter how many warnings your parent might give, having to stop a computer game or playing hoops with your neighbor to do chores can still come as a shock. Even stopping a task to start another one you think is fun can take time to process. Having a planner to work with can give the mind an easy outline of the tasks ahead. In addition, it offers space to journal out anything that might help you transition into a new thought pattern.

Personal project planners make tasks easier to understand.

Woman with ADHD using a personal project planner on her living room table next to a computer, a pair of glasses, a calendar and a vase of orange tulips. Many people with ADHD are visual learners, and learning quirks will happen. Even if the task has been explained thoroughly, and in a way that the person understands, there is often worry and other, perhaps more compulsive, thoughts that can overshadow understanding. Often, scenarios and projects are not explained clearly either. Sometimes all it takes is a quick YouTube tutorial searched online to help you clarify. However, personal project planners give you a space to write notes about the task or draw photos in a way that everyone can understand. No matter what, make sure to engage with the material in a way that suits your particular situation.

Create your own personal project planner

Whether you choose to devote yourself to a working spreadsheet on the computer, your tasking is available in an app, or you invest in paper planners, there is an option for everyone who's interested. (Isn't it great that they make to-do lists and project planners specific to tasks in addition to scheduling planners? And that they're available at almost every retail shop around?) Here is how you can create your own forms that suit your and/or your child’s specific management skills. This will require some - perhaps difficult - effort in the beginning, but it will definitely yield results. My favorite method is a simple but effective form I have used over the years:

1. Gather a pen and a journal or a piece of paper.

2. Choose the topic or task and write that on the top of the paper.

3. Make a grid with 3 vertical columns and several horizontal rows. Label the three columns “Possibilities, Pros, Cons.”

It should look like this:

A personal project planner table that has three columns highlighted in yellow saying: "Possibilities," "Pros," and "Cons."

4. Put any ideas about the project in the possibilities column. Follow this with what you consider good and/or bad about that idea.

For example, if the task is organizing items in the basement, the possibilities list might range from “taking everything to the dump” to “getting rid of anything that I haven’t used in 5 years.”

5. Create the sequential steps needed to accomplish the task using another grid. This grid will have 5 vertical columns and several horizontal rows. Use the labels suggested below, OR create your own!

Make as many numbered rows as required to finish the project, and make the actions as specific as possible. Estimate the time it takes to do a step and then compare that guess with the time that passes. This will help to improve those all-important time management skills as well!

A table of 8 rows, the top row being titles of 5 columns, the bottom rows numbered 1 through 7. The titles of the columns are highlighted in yellow and say: "Action," "Materials needed," "Time estimate," "Actual time," "Finished!".

Keep in mind, some people might prefer to have a "Notes" column or journaling area, so that they can work through emotions. This can help them to perhaps explain what they loved or didn't love about communication around the task and what they had to do. This can help everyone stay informed for the next time an opportunity like this comes up! Many kids and adults with ADHD struggle with maintaining structure and practice of task management. However, I have found that my clients ultimately embrace organization tools like personal project planners. Many find them extremely helpful! These “roadmaps” reduce anxiety, clarify goals and build confidence as activities are completed. Picture of a watch, notebook and pen next to a classic green typewriter

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline's YouTube Channel:

Initiating and Completing Tasks with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)

Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 8/17/21 Dr. Sharon Saline's Team 8/17/21

Return to School with ADHD and COVID Uncertainty (again)

4 teens wearing masks and backpacks and holding school supplies and a basketball outside of their school Just when we thought we’d turned a corner in the COVID war, the virus is rearing its ugly head again. As kids go back to school, uncertainty looms once again. The Delta variant is making all of us more nervous than we might already be. School districts are debating mask mandates and some have returned to remote learning. It’s worrisome for parents and students--many of whom assumed that in-person learning would finally take place. When you consider the academic and social challenges for many kids with ADHD, it’s tough to know what to do to stay safe and create viable, rewarding learning experiences for your children and teens.

Transitions back to school are typically challenging for kids with ADHD, LD, ASD and twice-exceptionality. When these changes are marked by continued concerns about the health of being in classrooms and engaging in social interactions, neurodiverse kids, who already struggle with anxiety and emotional regulation, become more stressed, worried and reactive. As parents, when you are confused about what to do or what to believe, it’s harder to put aside your feelings and be patient with your kids’ numerous questions or concerns. In this time of insecurity and frustration, the best thing you can do is name and work through the struggles.

Check-in with your child or teen about their school concerns

Father sitting and having a serious conversation about feelings around back to school with his ADHD son.

Rather than let this anxiety bleed into all aspects of daily living, pick one time per day for up to 20 minutes to discuss what’s happening. Discuss fears, acknowledge the unknowns and reflect on how you’ve all survived the challenges of the past 18 months.

- - - - What are some resources you relied on?
      - How did you come together as a family to support each other?
      - What types of decisions did you make previously that could be helpful now?

Let your kids ask questions and, if you don’t know the answer to their questions, tell them you will get back to them tomorrow with a response. When you assign a particular time to talk about a distressing subject, you contain it. This containment helps manage persistent anxiety.

Here are 5 tips for making back to school with ADHD during COVID go as smoothly as possible:

1. Create predictable, doable routines--together.

Planning ahead reduces the frustration and overwhelm of making transitions for kids with ADHD. There’s no way around this. Some type of daily structure helps kids organize themselves and decreases family conflict. Use a whiteboard, chalkboard or large calendar to collaborate on what’s expected of your child in the morning, after school and before bed.

Keep these action items limited to 3 things so they are not overwhelmed. Kids can check the schedule instead of asking you what’s next so they can move themselves through the tasks. This builds confidence and competence, so they experience success as they start their year.

2. Stay compassionate and consistent.

Child laying in bed holding a hammer and holding it to a green alarm clock. Transitions are tough for many kids, especially those with ADHD, LD or other mental health challenges. Give them time to practice going to bed and waking up earlier. Brainstorm new ideas for lunch, and listen to their concerns about going back to the classroom and seeing other kids. Offer them choices about their schedule so they have more buy-in.

Your goal is to notice their efforting and aim for steadiness rather than focus on perfection. If they are trying to regulate themselves or do their chores--more times than not--let them know you see their efforts.

**3. Address social anxiety without solving it.**

As much as you would like to wave your magic wand and make their worries go away, kids need to learn how to deal with their fears and manage them. This is how they develop resilience, and it’s something we’ve all done to get where we are today.

Talk with them about their concern. Be sure to listen, and reflect back what you hear. Try a role play, or brainstorm possible strategies, phrases or responses. Recall past situations when they were nervous about or confronted a friendship issue and identify what helped them get through that tough moment.

The goal is to apply tools from previous challenges where they ultimately succeeded to what they are currently facing. Normalize--don’t minimize--their anxiety, and explore issues related to rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

Most kids and teens, with or without ADHD, feel uncertain at the beginning of school. Saying, “That’s not such a big deal or you’ll be fine” actually doesn’t give them the tools they need. Instead, try, “Of course you are nervous. That’s natural after not seeing people this summer or when you start a new school or have a new teacher.” This validates their experience and simultaneously reduces any shame about their feelings.

4. Make sure specific supports are in place for your alternative learner.

Notebook with a cover titled "Individualized Education Program" on a desk with other school supplies.

School is often the toughest area of functioning for neurodiverse kids. Make sure all accommodations--any 504’s or IEP plans--are in place.

Plan for an appointment to speak with classroom teachers or guidance counselors before school, and ask if your child can visit their new classroom or school to familiarize themselves with the environment. This will also reduce some anxiety.

Be sure to discuss any social concerns and discuss how you, your student and the school can work together to make this year run smoothly and successfully. Include your student in this part of the meeting so they will have buy-in.

5. Establish a back-up plan.

With so many things in flux, change is inevitable, and pushback and upsets will occur. Rather than being surprised when these occur, take some time to set up some guidelines of how you are going to manage those tense moments in advance of them occurring.

Set aside specific time for a family meeting--when people are calm, fed and awake--for no more than 30 minutes. Brainstorm possible scenarios when things go awry (I suggest using Stop, Think, Act). Agree on responses and talk about consequences for lying, disrespectful language or inappropriate behaviors.

Let your kids take the lead first on what meaningful interventions would look like. It’s useful to hear what they have to say and incorporate it into any plan you create. When you collaborate with them, they’re more likely to participate cooperatively. Write down whatever you decide and, just as you did with the daily plan, post it in a common space.

Take care of your wellbeing as a parent, too.

Mother going on a morning run on a bike path with headphones in, practicing self-care for parent.

Regardless of the stress you feel, you’ve got this! Breathe, go outside for a walk, run or bike ride and practice self-care. Engage the support of your friends and family. This is a time to up-level your self-care.

Remember, when you travel on an airplane, the flight attendant instructs parents to put on their oxygen masks first before putting masks on their children. If you are feeling out-of-control or emotionally reactive with the stress of this COVID and school uncertainty, speak to your primary care provider or find a counselor.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

How to Help Your Children Transition Back to School Smoothly (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal interviews Dr. Saline)
ADHD Students: Tips for Transitioning Back to In-person Learning (ADDitude ADHD Parenting Q&A with Dr. Saline)
Help Your Kid Overcome School Anxiety (Operation Parent Webinar with Dr. Saline)

Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/online-learning-tips-for-parents-bundle/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/