YourTango - The 5 Most Overlooked Symptoms Of Inattentive ADHD & How To Cope With Each
ADHD Hyperfocus: How to manage this double-edged sword for your health and productivity
Are you ever so engrossed in an activity that time seems to stop and nothing can tear you away? Does it ever seem like you lose sense of where you are and what’s happening around you? This can be the experience of hyperfocus for many people with ADHD. Hyperfocus is defined as “a phenomenon that reflects one’s complete absorption in a task, to a point where a person appears to completely ignore or ‘tune out’ everything else.” Hyperfocus frequently occurs during a fun or interesting activity, and it often crops up without conscious intent. Your concentration is captivated by something, and, although your attention can be channeled into have-to tasks, it can be drawn towards unproductive, procrastinating activities, too. That’s part of what makes it both exhilarating and frustrating.
Hyperfocus: A double-edged sword
Many people with ADHD see hyperfocus as a superpower: it’s a state of mind that fosters unusual productivity through total absorption in a task. But some folks also see it as a weakness: it accounts for vast periods of time spent on distractions to dodge unpleasant responsibilities. Hyperfocus, it seems, is a double-edged sword: a great capacity for effective performance on interesting, high-value tasks on the one side, and a great capacity for avoiding things by disappearing into pleasurable distractions on the other. By nurturing executive functioning skills such as prioritization, time management and self-awareness, you can harness the power of your hyperfocus more efficiently.
Self-Awareness During Hyperfocus
Being aware of where you are directing your attention, and for how long, is an important step in addressing hyperfocus. Focus is a dynamic process of choosing what is critical to notice, attempt or recall. Where you direct your focus is akin to pointing the spotlight of your attention on something. Hyperfocus is an amplified type of focus, where you can be totally captivated on something until you are interrupted or just lose interest. Many folks with ADHD may not notice when the hyperfocus episode begins but become aware when they return from it. Perhaps this happens to you: you’re not sure where the time went, and you don’t really have a plan for re-entry or catching up. You can cope with these moments of disorientation by learning to be as intentional about what you’re not going to concentrate on as what you are going to do.
Recognizing States of Focus and Distraction
To improve any type of focus, begin to notice where it is and where it isn’t. This is more difficult than it sounds, and, when somebody is stressed, anxious or depressed, it’s even tougher. Marla, a twenty year old sophomore in college who struggled with panic attacks, complained to me about her required writing course and her distractability: “It’s boring, I hate writing, and the teacher has a monotonous voice that puts me to sleep. I pay attention to any little thing except what’s going on and then, when he calls on me, I am totally lost and embarrassed.” I asked her to make a list of things that distracted her in that class and to bring it to my office for the next session. She reported that, just by noticing where her attention went, she was able to bring herself back to the class discussion more often, and even made a few relevant comments. Paying attention to where your attention goes is similarly effective in handling hyperfocus episodes.
The Unhealthy Costs of Hyperfocus
The experience of hyperfocus differs widely from person to person, because it vacillates from being a helpful tool for productivity and an effective way to escape. Self-care activities such as eating, drinking and using the bathroom may be postponed for hours, resulting in low blood sugar, irritability and fatigue. 
Kieran, age 25, says: “Hyperfocus is confusing. It’s the only time when I get to be more productive at work than anybody else. I can do more in three hours than my neurotypical colleagues get done in twice that time. But, at home, sometimes I zone out while gaming and forget to check my phone for texts or even go to sleep. Then, I’m exhausted the next day.”
Ellie, age 40, explains the value and challenges of hyperfocus: “Hyperfocus is the only time that I feel truly alive. My brain is fully engaged, 100%, time stops, and I’m flying along. But my partner or my co-workers have to poke me in the arm to remind me about lunch or a big meeting. At the end of a good day, with a lot accomplished, I can feel quite energized.”
Change Takes Practice
Although you may finish tasks, some aspects of hyperfocus do not foster healthy productivity. This can be challenging for kids, teens and adults who experience hyperfocus. However, tools for coping with hyperfocus and managing it more mindfully can improve with practice and experience. Michayla, age 33, has learned how to manage hyperfocus better as she has gotten older: “Hyperfocus is when I can do a single task without getting distracted and think only about it. But I also lose touch with my body and don’t notice that I’m hungry, thirsty or need to use the bathroom. As a child, I had so many bladder infections because I never stopped to go to the bathroom. On my home videos, I always have this little pink liquid and a straw with me. It's an antibiotic. That’s how many bladder infections I had. Now, I stop to go to the bathroom, have a drink or eat something so I don’t get dizzy.”
Flow vs. Hyperfocus: Related, but not the same
Everybody experiences flow states at one time or another that are triggered by internal motivation and external situations. These flow states–often called ‘being in the zone,’ refer to heightened intuition and performance, where decisions happen automatically and creative breakthroughs occur. They are positive, desirable and can be cultivated and planned for. Hyperfocus, on the other hand, is typically experienced by people with ADHD and stems from challenges with handling the direction of focus and the depth of attention. Hyperfocus is more unpredictable, it appears intermittently, and it's usefulness varies. When hyperfocus is helpful, it’s usually because somebody has entered into a temporary flow state. If you can identify the difference between your personal states of flow and hyperfocus, you're more likely to optimize your productivity.
4 Tips to Help Adults Better Manage Their Hyperfocus:
1. Identify and investigate:
Learn more about your pattern of hyperfocus by increasing self-awareness.
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- What does hyperfocus look like for you?
- How long does it occur?
- Do you neglect self-care?
- How do you respond to interruptions?
Notice when you tend to engage in hyperfocus by examining the situation, the environment and your motivation. Are you focusing on an interesting task or avoiding something unappealing? This type of reflection will increase your capacity for metacognition, helping you monitor when hyperfocus takes over. Thoughtful self-evaluation will also help you take action to exit from an episode.
2. Plan and prioritize:
Do a brain dump of all of the tasks in front of you for the day or the week. Then, make another, shorter list where you order the tasks in terms of urgency (do it now because of a deadline) or importance (value and satisfaction with less pressure). Then, break down your day into blocks of time, and assign the urgent tasks first, followed by the important ones. Limit the quantity of the tasks into each block of time so you can reach your goals and feel accomplishment. You can limit the number of tasks by flagging the ones that can be rolled over into tomorrow.
3. Improve time management practices:
Use tools to increase your awareness of time and how it passes. Set up several alerts, using a variety of tools–your phone, your computer, banners across the screen, analog clocks or timers. Work in intervals with planned, structured breaks to keep yourself on track and limit the negative aspects of hyperfocus.
4. Find an accountability buddy:
You don’t have to address the challenging, over-absorbing aspects of hyperfocus alone! Instead, ask someone in your life to check in with you at times when you are prone to hyperfocus. It could be a family member, friend, colleague, or someone you met at an ADHD support group. This can help you break up these hyperfocus periods. If this person also has ADHD, you can support each other with this practice. Helping somebody else with their hyperfocus can assist you with your own focus regulation as well. 
Read more blog posts:
- Recognizing Inattentive ADHD: The 5 Most Overlooked Signs and Helpful Tips for Living with Them
- ADHD and Metacognition: Learning to reflect on your thoughts and experiences with a growth mindset
- Planning and Prioritizing Practices for ADHD Brains: What’s the plan, and when do you start?!
Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:
- The Pros and Cons of Hyperfocus (ADHD Support Group / Q&A)
- ADHD and Metacognition – Executive Functioning Support (ADHD Support Group / Q&A)
ADDitude Webinar Replay - Perfectionism and ADHD: Making ‘Good Enough’ Work for You
Access the recording of the ADDitude webinar by Dr. Saline on 1/19/22:
"Perfectionism and ADHD: Making ‘Good Enough’ Work for You"
Get access to the webinar replay! "In this webinar, Dr. Sharon Saline will explain how to stop setting unreasonable standards, engaging in negative comparisons to others, and criticizing yourself for living with ADHD. You will learn how to understand and manage the root causes of perfectionism, examine the role of imposter syndrome, decrease negative self-talk, and increase your capacity for personal compassion. You will understand how to improve executive functioning skills related to procrastination and productivity, stop reflexive shame, and create techniques for managing stress. With these resources, you’ll begin to nurture the essential resilience of a growth mindset and accept yourself as you truly are — perfectly imperfect." In this free, hour-long webinar, you will learn to:
- Understand the relationship between anxiety, perfectionism, and ADHD
- Improve executive functioning skills related to procrastination and productivity
- Set realistic expectations based on previous successful experiences
- Develop techniques for addressing imposter syndrome, fear of failure, and shame
- Increase the capacity for mindful self-compassion and self-acceptance
ADHD Essentials Podcast: Managing Lingering Pandemic Anxiety with Dr. Sharon Saline
Dr. Sharon Saline joins Brendan Mahan, M.Ed., M.S. on the ADHD Essentials Podcast!
"In this episode, Dr. Saline and [Brendan] talk about the effects of the pandemic on children and families. We discuss the data on mental health pre- and post-pandemic, moral injury, the effect it is having on social skills, and ways to manage the anxiety we're all experiencing." Listen to the episode below, or click here to listen at adhdessentials.podbean.com.
YourTango - 5 Ways People With ADHD Can Forgive Themselves & Release Their Shame
Healthline - The 10 Best Books for ADHD in 2022
Dr. Saline's "What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew" was chosen Best for Parents.
Psychology Today: 3 Steps for Lowering Stress With ADHD
How to create more calm in 2022.
"If you are tired of feeling so much stress in your life, the start of a new year and pressures to create resolutions may only add more tension. These promises for a "better" 2022 often fail because people with ADHD aim for too much change, set unrealistic expectations about performance, and struggle with how to follow through on their goals. Instead of helping, your goals end up being frustrating: They demonstrate yet another way that you can’t measure up and simply add more tension to your days." Read the full article by Dr. Saline!
Recognizing Inattentive ADHD: The 5 Most Overlooked Signs and Helpful Tips for Living with Them
Inattentive ADHD is one of three types of ADHD (hyperactive-impulsive and combination are the other two types). It is often characterized by difficulties in keeping focused, staying organized and following directions or conversations. These experiences may lead to a sustained pattern of losing things, careless mistakes, and mental fatigue. Unfortunately, these issues are often misunderstood as defiance, lack of comprehension, lower intelligence or laziness. But instead, inattentive ADHD interferes with daily functioning and contributes to increased levels of frustration and lower self-esteem. Therefore, it's important to be able to recognize signs of inattentive ADHD in a person of any age–kids and teens, for integrated support at an early age, but also adults who remain undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. So let's dive into understanding the inattentive ADHD diagnosis and experience, with a focus on five easy-to-miss signs and recommended tips to help you live easier with them.
Inattentive ADHD: Understanding the diagnosis
According to the DSM-5, a diagnosis of inattentive ADHD requires 6 or more symptoms of inattention in children up to age 16, and 5 or more symptoms for ages 17 or older. Symptoms such as difficulty listening, staying focused, or remembering things among others must present for 6 months or longer and differ from expected behaviors for peers of the same age. Common symptoms also include dreaminess, forgetfulness and difficulty paying attention to details. These issues must be chronic or long-lasting and not due to a situational influence or “one-off” experiences. Stress, sleep issues, anxiety and depression or other physical illness can all negatively affect attention and need to be ruled out with a professional evaluation before receiving an inattentive ADHD diagnosis.
Inattentive ADHD vs. non-ADHD inattention
Many people experience varying amounts of inattention in the course of their lives, but for folks with ADHD, inattention is more severe, lasts longer and negatively impacts their ability to perform well at work or school. It also interferes with how well they function socially, due to missing facial cues or parts of conversations. Because symptoms may change over time, and because there’s a wide range between mild/occasional inattention and a diagnosable issue, some signs of inattentive ADHD are easy to miss. The following are the 5 most overlooked signs of inattentive ADHD, as well as some strategies for managing them.
1. Difficulty completing tasks
Finishing projects, chores or homework often reflects a lack of focus or interest but has nothing at all to do with intelligence, laziness or disobedience. Instead, sticking with a task until it's completed reflects a true difficulty with attending to the work at hand, quickly reaching brain fatigue. and struggling with goal-oriented persistence. Low motivation for uninteresting tasks creates further obstacles and adds another layer of complication for getting things done.
TIPS:
These strategies help both children and adults who struggle with sustained focus and perseverance:
- Try chunking tasks by breaking them down into small pieces. If it's still difficult to begin or pursue, then the task needs to be even smaller.
- Establish specific timed work periods with built-in timed breaks based on how long your child (or you) can concentrate before becoming distracted.
- Identify a preferred order of doing tasks. Is it starting with something easy to get going, then doing the hard thing and finishing with medium one? What tasks or subjects are easy, medium or hard?
2. Forgetfulness
Working memory challenges often result in missed appointments or meetings, turning in work or forgetting to do a chore or run an errands. They also make follow-through more difficult resulting in issues with showing up for school, personal or professional responsibilities. Ashamed and embarrassed, people who wrestle with forgetfulness may be labeled as 'stupid,' 'uncaring' or 'irresponsible' when they struggle with biologically-based problems with recall.
TIPS:
Instead of judging your memory challenges, accept them and engage supports:
- Use technology tools like alarms, notifications, texting, as well as post-its and to-do lists as reminders.
- Consider putting a laminated note in a backpack to remind your child or teen of what needs to be there.
- Use cues such as family calendars or daily responsibility lists/charts to guide kids and trigger their memory for what to do next. This also helps with improving organization and planning.
3. Spaciness/distractedness
With an inattentive ADHD brain, you are easily pulled to think about something other than the task at hand. This is a common occurrence. Perhaps you get distracted by a “new shiny object,” the snow drifting outside of your window, or squeaking noise of the heater in your office. Your child may drift off into thoughts about lunch or playing a video game during their math exam. This tendency for distractedness makes it tougher to stay on point and complete the activities of daily living, homework or job responsibilities. Plus, many people with inattentive ADHD may process information more slowly than they actually comprehend it, making them feel perpetually behind and overwhelmed. It takes longer to sort through and digest information.
TIPS:
Slow things down and allow extra time for completing tasks:
- Improve accountability by using lists and reminders. Set alerts or banners to flash across your phone, iPad or computer to help you stay on task (or find an app to do this for you).
- Practice mindfulness with family (or individual) meditation or yoga to increase awareness about where attention is and where it is not.
- Create a coping strategy for the return from a mental drift to avoid panic and shame.
4. Trouble listening and/or following directions
Following instructions or tracking conversations can be tough for many kids and adults with inattentive ADHD. Whether there's an auditory processing issue, a working memory challenge or information overload, when someone is talking (visual, sensory and sound), it may seem like someone isn't listening, doesn't respond appropriately or can't stay present. They may drift off and then ask “what?” or say ”yes'' when no one asked a question. Paying attention in a class or meeting and being expected to take notes simultaneously may seem impossible with words and sentences omitted and replaced by doodles. These are not willful, oppositional behaviors, but rather signs that someone cannot effectively process or retain information.
TIPS:
- Use “The Rule of 3” when giving instructions to make sure you’ve been heard and understood. Repetition helps information move down the memory line and become imbedded.
- Set up mandated academic and ADA work supports, such as a note-taker, pre-recorded lectures or written copies of presentations and lessons. This makes listening about hearing what is said instead of adding another task such as writing to it.
- In a social situation, ask a buddy who understands ADHD and the tendency to drift to help with focus and fill in the gaps about something you missed.
5. Disorganization
If you lose your keys or misplace a report or homework assignment, you are not alone. Difficulty keeping track of stuff is a frequent indicator of inattentive ADHD. When someone struggles with disorganization, they often feel overwhelmed, embarrassed and confused. Figuring out where to begin the process of categorizing, cleaning and tidying up can seem insurmountable, akin to climbing Mt. Everest.
TIPS:
Follow my father's golden rule: Everything has a place. This used to drive me crazy as a kid but now I see the wisdom of his ways. Make a place for things and create organizational systems that you or your child can actually follow. Keep these simple, straightforward and logical to the ADHD brain. It may not make sense to anyone else, and that's fine!- Create regular routines with specific steps for cleaning a bedroom or tidying up the living room, write them down and post them on the refrigerator. Don't rely on recall/memory to kick in and direct the show.
- Use incentives to provide motivation if necessary. Consider setting aside a particular time of day or day of the week just for organization, such as an evening clean sweep after dinner or a Saturday morning bedroom clean-up.
Read more blog posts:
- ADHD Misconceptions: How to respond to 4 damaging false beliefs and assumptions about ADHD
- The Truth about ADHD in Girls, and 5 Ways You Can Help
- Celebrate ADHD Awareness Month by Accepting the Wonderful Uniqueness of Living with ADHD
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
- How Do I Support My Daughter with ADHD? | ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline
- Help Your Kid Overcome School Anxiety | Operation Parent Webinar with Dr. Saline
- How to Deal with & Educate ADHD Doubters | ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline
MSN - 10 Ways Neurodiverse Folks Can Have Deep, Thoughtful & Easy Conversations With Anyone
Read the article on MSN! Read the article featured on YourTango. Read the original blog post here. 
YourTango - 10 Ways Neurodiverse Folks Can Have Deep, Thoughtful & Easy Conversations With Anyone
Read the article featured on YourTango! Read the original blog post here. 
New Year, New Habits, Same ADHD: How to plan for and maintain new habits together, as a family
Happy New Year! As we welcome 2022, it’s natural for most people to consider what worked last year and what you’d like to do differently in the months to come. You might be considering how can you reduce work or family stress and improve the ease in daily living. However, many of us have realized that New Year’s Resolutions often fail–because people aim for too much change, set unrealistic expectations about happiness, and/or struggle with how to follow through on their goals. For folks living with ADHD, it’s especially tough to break down goals into achievable chunks and identify necessary steps for meeting them. Fortunately, working together as a family can make a big impact for everyone. Here's how you can help your family work together to identify, create and maintain meaningful new habits in the year–with collaboration, accountability and encouragement.
New Year, New Habits – But Why?
A New Year’s Resolution isn’t about altering a person’s character; it’s about taking action in a measured way to promote more ease and satisfaction in daily living. Take the time to emphasize this with your family, and focus on changing behaviors rather than criticizing personal flaws. You are working together and modeling that everyone has aspects of their life that can benefit from some tinkering.
ADHD and New Year's Resolutions
When you add in typical ADHD challenges with time management, organization and planning, well-intentioned hopes for 2022 may dissolve quickly and fade away. New Year's Resolutions can become another way that people with ADHD feel they 'don’t measure up.' This year, do something different: Pick just ONE habit to focus on, and practice self-compassion as you work on it. Allow yourself and your children to stumble and regroup along the way. This is where the strengths that come with being there for each other as a family can really shine through.
Choosing Your Goal: One New Habit
1. Choose a practical time frame
You don’t have to set your goal for the entire year: that may be too long. What about a goal for three months, with a specific date to assess progress? Or would weekly goals foster a better sense of progress?
2. Tap into a 'growth mindset'
Then, look at your mentality. The process of change relies on having a growth mindset. A growth mindset establishes that being human means living and learning: you will make mistakes, and, instead of berating yourself or your kids for their fumbles, you pause, regroup and tweak what you are doing. It’s this capacity to pivot that encourages us to keep going and keep growing. Habits take time and practice, especially if we are trying to undo something that’s familiar–even if it’s not working.
3. Choose ONE habit to focus on
Now, look around your life--your house, your job, your relationships, your routines--and select the ONE thing that really triggers you. Ultimately, family goals work best when they are collaborative. Try to choose a goal that matters to your kids or your partner, and make sure it includes something that matters to you for the best result. Choose something about your life that you’d like to see run more smoothly (e.g. family meals or bedtime rituals), result in less conflict (e.g. homework or chores) or help you be your better self (e.g. positive attitude, punctuality or patience). Write this habit down.
4. Collaborate with your family
Next, in a calm moment (maybe after dinner or on a Sunday morning), ask your kids and/or your partner to do the same. Write all of these down, add your own to the list, and then explore any overlap. Perhaps you share a family goal of smoother starts to the day, you want to have more patience, and your teen son wants less nagging. See how various goals could fit together.
5. Fine tune your goals: Be specific
As you examine your joint list, rule out items that seem like fantasy or appear too vague. Make things as specific as possible. For example, being more organized is a great goal, but it isn’t precise enough to lead you or your child to do anything differently. Whereas being more organized with your homework, about your bills, or with your clothes are all more exact and will likely result in more success.
Creating a Game Plan
Having a goal for less yelling is great, but that alone is not linked to action, and is therefore harder to do. What you need to do is identify the situations where yelling occurs, and then break down the contributing factors. 
For instance: If there’s a lot of arguing about ending a video game when screen time is finished, then the issue is stopping something fun and how to shift to something else. - What can you do to give more effective warnings or reminders about the upcoming transition? - What would a logical consequence be for having a meltdown? - How can your child cope with their frustration in a different way? When you identify steps to support these goals, you create concrete actions towards accomplishing them.
Making New Habits Stick: Follow Through & Maintenance
Accountability 
Create a plan of accountability based on pre-planned, reoccurring family meetings to evaluate progress and make any needed changes. Put these on your calendar in your phone, and on the family schedule too. Steadiness The key to being successful with your ONE new year’s resolution is steadiness. Of course, persistence can be tough for folks with ADHD, so do the best you can. Avoid expectations of perfection, and lean into being 'good enough' instead. Rather, practice mindful self-compassion towards yourself, your children or your partner in the midst of 'efforting' to change. Encouragement Words of encouragement offer crucial support and stave off defeatist, negative self-talk. Use technology for helpful reminders and prepare to repeat cues for your kids. Don’t give up when it becomes hard or you forget to do it. Instead, recalibrate and start again.
Here’s to a healthier and happier new year for all!
Read more blog posts:
- Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
- Perfectionism and ADHD: Why ‘good enough’ is better than perfect
- ADHD in the New Year: Grow Something Good
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
Deeper Dive: Resources in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
ADDitude Mag - The Best of 2021: Must-Read Articles on ADHD
Includes two articles by Dr. Sharon Saline:
Family, Forgiveness and ADHD: Loving and letting go, during and beyond the holiday season
In the midst of the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, many of us have shorter fuses. Tempers flare, angry words are said, and the joy of family gatherings suddenly sours. Sadly, the stress of special events can lead to negative interactions, behaviors or outbursts. Whatever you celebrate, you have the opportunity to pivot from feeling shutdown to being connected. The holidays bring joy, lightness and good cheer. Practicing forgiveness with your family (and yourself) will assist you in having a happier, fulfilling experience.
Recognizing the impact of ADHD on behavior
Living with ADHD can be challenging for kids and adults and the people who love them. Children and teens test limits, argue about routines and struggle to manage intense feelings. It’s tougher for them to remember their chores, to brush their teeth daily or to stop playing Fortnight or using Instagram.
Like adults, kids and teens may know what they should do, and sincerely want to do that. However, due to challenges with impulse or emotional control, they cannot make better choices with consistency. Sometimes, it’s unclear to folks with ADHD and their circle of friends, relatives and caring adults what behaviors are purposeful and what reflect having ADHD. This confusion leads to blame, shame and frustration.
What it means to forgive (and what it doesn't)
Forgiveness is a purposeful decision to let go of feelings of resentment, blame or revenge towards someone who has hurt or harmed you–whether or not you think they deserve it. It does not condone what they did, but rather frees you from the pain of holding onto your anger and criticism.
Forgiveness is about mercy and compassion. It is something you offer because you realize that it is the most effective response to a situation. Forgiveness encompasses an awareness that a number of social-emotional and environmental factors influence reactions, emotions and behaviors of people with ADHD. It’s also about being cognizant of your self-righteousness.
Whether your young adult son refuses to take his ADHD medication and can’t seem to hold down a job, your ten year old explodes when you won’t let him watch R-rated movies, or your teen repeatedly leaves their dirty socks on the couch–what you can control is your response.
Yes, you’re agitated and disappointed. Yes, you know the medication will help, PG-13 movies are more appropriate and the socks belong in the hamper. But, what’s needed here is understanding about their struggles, scaffolding to teach executive functioning skills, following natural and logical consequences and, frankly, letting some things go.
Forgiveness in the holiday season
Forgiveness is part of the holiday spirit, because it offers somebody the gifts of kindness and generosity of spirit. Empathy is a key component of forgiveness, particularly when we are talking about neurodivergent kids and adults. Compassion teaches us that, just like us, they are doing the best they can in a given situation with the tools they have available to them in that moment. This is especially true for their Now/Not now brains. When flooded with strong emotions, rational thinking goes on a quick vacation, and the amygdala takes over with survival responses instead of thoughtful, cognitive ones.
At times, compassion can be difficult
When you are in pain–anger, sadness, guilt or shame–it’s much harder to practice empathy or compassion. It’s common for people (parents, partners, children or teens) to export this pain onto others. Then, those folks take it on and try to fix it. However, this is usually an impossible task, because you are not a miracle worker, and your capability to make things ‘okay’ is limited. Rather, acknowledge what is going on, brainstorm potential solutions together, and see what happens. Focus on doing your own work, why you feel triggered, and how the present situations might replicate something from your own history. Set up a family policy of using a Take-Back of the Day to demonstrate forgiveness in real time.
Offer yourself forgiveness and compassion, too
Rather than berating yourself for not being good enough at home, at work or in your relationships, practice accepting yourself, as you are, instead. Decrease your expectations about your professional, academic or parenting skills so you don’t walk around feeling like a failure.
A mother recently told me: “I’m pretty good at forgiving my 3 children with ADHD, but I struggle with not forgiving myself and blaming myself. I feel like I can never do enough to provide the structure they need.”
Pay more attention to what you are doing with the resources you have available. Everybody stumbles: two steps forward and one step backward is still forward motion. If you make a mistake, be accountable for your actions without going into a shame spiral of self-loathing. This is really tough to do, especially for perfectionists. But it doesn’t serve you, and it certainly doesn’t model for your kids how they can accept themselves. Start by forgiving yourself for something small, such as yelling about bedtime, rather than tackling all of motherhood.
Forgiveness is an ongoing practice
Forgiveness is an ongoing practice: it's a gift that grows and changes over time. Releasing your resentment increases your potential for happiness and contentment. This is the best gift you can give yourself and your loved ones! 
Read more blog posts:
- ADHD and Negativity: Why ADHD kids and teens say “No” and how to help them communicate
- Dinnertime for the Family with ADHD: How to make family meals more enjoyable for all
- ADHD Misconceptions: How to respond to 4 damaging false beliefs and assumptions about ADHD
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel: [embed]https://youtu.be/ONFmfvhazoQ[/embed] Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/apologies/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Taking Control, The ADHD Podcast: The ADHD Therapy Experience with Dr. Sharon Saline
Dr. Sharon Saline joins Nikki Kinzer and Pete Wright on Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast!
"Have you ever tried talk therapy? It can be intimidating, learning to open yourself up to a stranger, but with the right therapist, it doesn’t have to be uncomfortable for long. We’re continuing our series on ADHD interventions with Dr. Sharon Saline, psychologist and ADHD specialist. She joins to talk to you, the therapy novice, about what you can expect from therapy, what you should expect from your relationship with your therapist, and how you can make the therapy relationship thrive in support of your ADHD." Listen to the episode below, or click here to listen at TakeControlADHD.com.
Tips for Neurodiverse Social Communication: Engaging in more enjoyable and effective conversations
Do you ever wish that you could pause time, take back something you said, and start over? Would you like to be someone who has quick comebacks in conversations, instead of thinking of something good to say 10 minutes later? The holiday season, now in full swing, comes with countless gatherings, celebrations, and–more often than not–the stresses of social interactions. Typical elements of conversation and communication can be tricky for people with ADHD or other neurodivergent individuals; they may interrupt or speak too quickly, space out unintentionally and miss key elements of a conversation, have difficulty processing information, or feel insecure about what they have to say. Learning some useful techniques for listening and speaking more effectively can help neurodivergent individuals improve their interpersonal skills and reduce social anxiety.
Social expectations vs. neurodivergent experiences
There’s a general assumption that all people are in complete control of their words, actions and emotions, and that everyone knows the unspoken, unwritten and often mysterious rules of social engagement. However, this doesn't account for neurodivergent experiences, strengths or challenges with communication. It also neglects to account for the effects that anxiety and depression can have on the body and mind during interactions.
Some neurodivergent people might prefer more direct communication. Others might prefer communicating through art or story. Many prefer social opportunities where they aren't pressured to make eye contact or sit still, or where they can easily take breaks and then join back in conversation. Just because neurodivergent people might approach social communication differently than a neurotypical person would, doesn't mean one approach is preferable over the other. Let's take a more compassionate approach and explore how we can all become more confident communicators.
Verbal and nonverbal communication
There are two types of communication: verbal and nonverbal. Verbal communication has to do with words we use to explicitly communicate an idea. Nonverbal communication is what we implicitly express through specific behaviors, body language and demeanor. Verbal communication can be difficult enough on its own, but when we also need to track nonverbal queues, like posture, tone, and physical proximity, social interactions can feel overwhelmingly hard. I’ve compiled some tips to make this process easier.
Verbal communication tips:
Entering a conversation:
When asking to join in on a conversation that’s already in progress, be friendly and respectful. Listen and observe before communicating, so you can understand the subject that is being discussed and can get a sense of what’s happening emotionally among the participants.
Participating in a conversation:
Be genuine–be yourself!
Ask questions, but don't feel the need to conduct an interview. Plus, it might come off as dominating the conversation.
Practicing pausing before making any responses or judgments. Consider validating the other person's concerns or experiences, and not minimizing them.
If you miss something or get distracted, that's okay! It happens. Try to come back slowly, by first listening to assess what’s happening. It's okay to ask someone to repeat something for clarification if needed.
It helps to reflect back part of what you hear, which validates the other person (they feel heard) and helps you remember parts of the discussion. Try using a mirroring statement, such as “So, what you’re saying is...” or, a summarizing statement, like “Oh, wow. You just got that new job!” This reflection will also help compensate for potential wandering attention, because you are sharing some of the details you heard (even if you’ve missed others!).
Avoid giving directives. No one wants to be told what to do. It’s best to gently suggest or ask about a way of doing something instead of telling someone what or how they should act. For example, instead of saying, “You should ask for a promotion or find another job,” try rephrasing to use a softer approach, such as, “Would you consider asking for a promotion? Maybe it's time to look for another job.”
Monitoring the conversation:
Pace yourself. Try to noticing your communication speed, and whether it seems to work well for the other participant(s). Would talking faster or slower be a helpful adjustment to your or the other person(s)? Their facial expressions might help you monitor their reactions and whether you need to make a change or take a little pause.
Remember, effective communication is a back-and-forth process where participants take turns speaking and listening. Be mindful of how others respond to you to help the conversation flow smoothly.
Exiting a conversation:
Remember, it's okay to leave at any point during a conversation if you feel uncomfortable or would find a break helpful. When you're ready to leave, it might help to keep it quick and simply communicate your need to leave: “Great to see you again! I’ve gotta run. See you soon.” Likewise, when someone expresses a need to exit the conversation, respect their needs and avoid prolonging the conversation.
Nonverbal communication tips:
Body language and facial expressions:
Neurotypical people often express interest and engagement by expressing openness and calmness, with relaxed posture and eye contact or by leaning forward. They often express judgment and discomfort by appearing more closed off, with crossed arms or legs, or by looking away. This might also be true for people who are neurodivergent, but some might express themselves differently, which is okay! It's just something to be aware of.
Practice pausing and being mindful of what the other person(s) may be expressing through their body language, or what your body language might be signaling them. However, don't draw conclusions from body language alone if you're not as familiar with an individual, as it can present differently for different people.
Physical proximity:
Keeping a physical distance of about three feet apart is normally accepted as appropriate in most Western cultures, with hands and body parts kept to yourself. Consent would be expected for any closer distance or contact, especially given the current COVID pandemic concerns.
It's also important to be mindful that some people are highly sensitive to touch and/or can find hugs, for example, to be uncomfortable or painful. If that's you, don't feel pressured to engage in any interaction that would cause you discomfort. If you're a parent, respect your child's sensitivities and needs by not pushing your child to hug relatives or friends or sit on Santa's lap this season. See if you can come up with a fun handshake, wave or hello/goodbye phrase instead.
Volume:
How loud are people speaking? Are you speaking louder or quieter than the people around you? Can you hear yourself? Are you inside or outside? Practice paying attention to your tone of voice as well. Find a buddy who can remind you to reflect on your volume or tone with a subtle, pre-arranged cue.
Movements:
It's important to maintain control over our body movements and personal space. Bring something small to fidget with if it helps you stay attentive and more engaged in a discussion. Take the time beforehand to prepare a seat if you prefer to sit, or stand up if you feel the need to stand or stretch.
Certain body movements might be noticeably distracting to others at times. If you're comfortable with it, and feel it would be beneficial, you can let people know that your body may do things that you are unaware of, are out of your control, or that helps you self-regulate. You can make it clear that the movements are not about them. Remember to offer yourself some compassion if you notice yourself feeling insecure by reactions from others.
Make communication easier with APPLE
To better remember all of these tips in social settings, flex your effective communication muscles by remembering the acronym APPLE:
Ask to join:
Ask relevant questions, and assess what’s happening by reading people’s faces.
Physical proximity and volume:
Place yourself appropriately near others, observe their volume and follow along.
Participate:
Use reflective statements to show that you’re listening, and express your genuine curiosity about others’ experiences.
Lay off self-criticism:
Turn down the volume on the internal negative voice that guesses what other people are saying about you, because it’s often wrong! Stay present and engaged with what’s happening in NOW–in the moment.
Enjoy connecting with others:
Take a moment to appreciate your social connections. Practice what you'd like to about yourself and bringing up your personal interests in conversation while also receiving what’s interesting and compelling to others. Conversations are a give and take.
Becoming a strong and empathic communicator can take practice. Self-awareness, impulse control, emotional regulation and working memory, among other executive functioning skills, can be particularly challenging for neurodivergent folks. Moreover, there are issues with cultural values, social norms and interpersonal dynamics that can be difficult to interpret. With understanding, research, patient instruction and lots of practice, anyone can learn to participate in conversations more appropriately and confidently.
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As the holiday season unfolds, my clients and friends express feeling very stressed. Some people have a long list of gifts to buy and wait until the last minute to do their shopping. Some schedule back-to-back social plans and celebrate with gusto. Other folks dislike the holidays altogether and would prefer to hide in bed under the covers until January. In general, everyone seems to be in a state of perpetual motion, running from one thing to the next, trying to get things done and seeing family and friends. This pace is not only challenging to maintain, but it's also especially hard for kids and adults with ADHD who get easily overwhelmed, even without the holiday fervor. How can you create experience that is fun, rewarding and calmer for you, your neurodiverse family? Get ready for simplifying this holiday season.
1. Simplifying the holiday lists, errands and tasks
Start with a mindset of “SIMPLIFY, not COMPLEX-IFY." Usually the holiday overwhelm comes from one or both of two main sources: (1) leaving things until the last minute and (2) trying to do too much. Let’s face it—EVERYTHING takes longer than we think it will. If you start planning your tasks with that mentality, and give yourself more time to do things, the process will go much more smoothly.
Strategies for simplifying holiday tasks:
1. Shorten lists and outings
Make a master list, and then break it down into shorter ones. Ideally, your family might stop at 1 or 2 places in one trip, but plan for no more than 3-4 different places in one outing. Strategize by mapping out where you need to go beforehand, and group places together that are near each other.
2. Teach while you lead
Teach your kids with ADHD to practice simplifying, too. Help your kids learn shopping strategies by explaining what, why and how you are doing things when you go out together to run errands.
3. Take breaks to rest and re-connect
Schedule in a break for hot chocolate or tea to break up the trip. It will encourage you and your family to reset between one stimulating environment and the next. Check-in with yourself and each other to see how you're feeling and if you're ready for the next stop.
4. Acknowledge your accomplishments
Sometimes we're so overwhelmed with what we know we still have to do, we forget about how much we've already accomplished. Be sure to cross things off your (shortened) lists when they are completed. You can do this yourself, or ask your kids to assist you. It’s easier to see and remember your accomplishments this way.
2. Reducing the number of social engagements
The holiday season is usually jammed packed with things to do, people to see, and places to go. As parents, we have to take into consideration how much our ADHD children and teens can actually tolerate, process and enjoy. Sometimes you have to curb your own desire and capacity to do several things in a day in order to help regulate what your kids can really manage. Part of the holiday stress for ADHD kids and families comes from having too many of these activities in a row and not enough ‘down time’ to process them. When your ADHD daughter has a meltdown at 6 p.m. because she doesn’t like the mac and cheese, it probably has nothing to do with the food and everything to do with unloading steam from holding it together for so long throughout the day. Simplifying the holiday tasks will help, but you also have to consider how many gatherings and social engagements are truly necessary for a happy holiday season.
How to cut down on the 'squeeze it all in' mentality–together:
1. Sit down with your family, and decide how many activities in a day you each can really handle this holiday season.
2. Talk about what constitutes ''down time' for each person, and make sure it includes something that is settling rather than stimulating. Limit individual technology use, and encourage quiet activities, such as playing games, reading or listening to music. Maybe watch your favorite family holiday movie. Write down these ideas and post them on the refrigerator so people can refer to them when they are most needed.
Good luck, and Happy Holidays to you and your family!
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