ADHD, Emotional Regulation and Managing Family Conflict: Replacing Time-outs with Time-in or Time-apart
Many parents of ADHD children and teens come into my office and report that nothing really works in terms of discipline and consequences. “My son just doesn’t care what we take away,” or “my daughter laughs when we ground her.” While all kids balk at rules sometimes, those with ADHD tend to squawk more often and louder. Commonly associated with ADHD are emotional regulation and executive functioning challenges, so instances where your child or teen needs to manage anger, inhibition or flexibility, for instance, can be difficult. How you decide to handle any family conflicts that might arise is important. To rein in and redirect undesirable behaviors, parents have to respond instead of react and rely on pre-arranged interventions. The Family Emotional Regulation Method (FERM) can help your family make well-considered decisions about how to manage emotional meltdowns and behavioral infractions–with options that foster connections instead of conflict.
Rethinking Time-outs for ADHD emotional regulation
Many parents rely on using Time-outs when emotions start to escalate in the family. But Time-outs focus on the “wrong-ness” of the action, rather than on the child or teen's accountability. Most kids experience them as punishment, which makes them feel worse about themselves. They frequently feel like they are 'bad' people who are engaging in 'bad' behaviors that, because of their ADHD, they often can’t control.
In addition, Time-outs usually don’t teach emotional regulation because learning this key executive functioning skill requires modeling and support–not isolation. Of course, a child in Time-out will eventually calm down, but they usually don’t come away from the experience with the necessary tools for self-awareness to use the next time they become triggered and dysregulated.
What's behind big emotions
Let’s look at the biology of a quick, intense rise in emotions–the amygdala takeover. It takes around six seconds for the adrenaline released during an amygdala takeover to dissipate in the brain, but up to 10-20 minutes for the effects on the body to wear off. During this time, the 'thinking brain' has gone offline, and emotions are ruling the day.
This is why you can’t negotiate anything in these moments. Creating a plan of appropriate options for settling down and self-soothing is what’s called for instead.
Using a Time-in or Time-apart to support ADHD emotional regulation
Isolating your upset child or teen to cool down when emotions intensify can be helpful for some people but provocative for others. While using a Time-out, such as sending your 10 year-old son to his room, when he is in a meltdown might offer you some relief, it may not be the most effective solution for him.
Instead, he may need a quiet few moments with you on the couch, rubbing his head and reading a book. This is an example of using a Time-in to manage ADHD emotional dysregulation.
Though it might be the opposite of what you feel like doing when you are activated, give it a try. Exercise self-Control (one of my 5 C's of ADHD Parenting) by taking a deep breath, going to the bathroom to get centered, and then showing up for a hug and that quiet activity.
On the other hand, after you and your 16 year-old daughter argue about her curfew, you may need 20 minutes alone with a cup of tea, and she may want 20 minutes to listen to some music on her bed. Both of these can happen with a Time-apart. It’s not punitive; it’s recuperative.
Learning the Family Emotional Regulation Method (FERM)
The FERM relies on a pre-negotiated intervention that gives you options in the moment. As a family, talk about the pattern of emotional eruptions and lay out some strategies in advance. This way, you can better cope with what is going on when the 'thinking brain' goes offline. In addition, you avoid power struggles that result in banishing your ornery teen or crying child to their room out of anger and frustration. You're also not stuck needing to invent interventions off the cuff. Instead, you integrate self-soothing strategies that work for everyone.
The Family Emotional Regulation Method is based on creating an environment for families living with ADHD that teaches self-regulation through collaboration when family members can think clearly and aren't feeling upset. This strategy relies on the positive aspects of your parent-child connection–the bond that incentivizes cooperation in the first place.
Here’s how to create your FERM:
1. Identify the patterns
Set aside a time for one or two family meetings (15 minutes maximum) to discuss and name the triggers and characteristics of family meltdowns. Identify signs that emotions are heating up. What contributes to their escalation? What would help everybody slow down, recover and pivot? How long is an ideal recovery time for you, your child or teen? Write these down.
2. Think about your own responses:
How are you responding to your child or teen’s intense emotions? How would you like to respond? How can you help your child or teen with ADHD learn emotional regulation strategies? What tools could help you stay settled? Write these down for yourself and keep this list on your phone so you can look at it when you start to feel overwhelmed.
3. Improve cooperation:
Use everybody’s desire for fewer arguments and more peace in the house as motivation for implementing your family plan. This lies at the heart of kids’ buy-in. When you ask for their opinions and include them in your strategies, kids with ADHD feel more interested because they are working with you: you are allies on the same team to reduce conflict and nurture closeness.
4. Create your FERM chart:
Download your free FERM Chart Template handout here!
Example:
- Trigger: Setting a time limit on playing Roadblocks or Minecraft
- Kid's Typical Reaction: Yelling and protesting
- Your Typical Response: Taking away screen privileges for the rest of the day
- Your New Planned Response: Calling a break in the action for agreed upon amount of time before escalation
- Time-Apart or Time-In Option: Ask whether your child wants a Time-in (activity together from list) or a Time-Apart (choice of self-soother)
- Recovery: Quick conversation that explores accountability and next steps
5. Practice makes progress:
Create realistic goals, aim for steadiness instead of perfection and remember that everybody is doing the best they can in a given moment with the tools available to them. It takes time and practice to change family habits of negative interactions. Try out an intervention, expect to make adjustments and then try it again.
Read more blog posts:
- ADHD and Negativity: Why ADHD kids and teens say “No” and how to help them communicate
- Tone of Voice Awareness in Neurodiverse Families: How to practice self-regulation in family conflicts
- Cooling Down Conversations in Neurodiverse Families: De-escalate and do-over with ‘WAIT-Now’ and ‘Take Back of the Day’
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
- How Do I Manage ADHD and Emotional Explosions? (ADDitude Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- Anger Management with ADHD (ADDitude Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)
Sources: Cuncic, A. (2021, June 22). Amygdala Hijack and the Fight or Flight Response. Verywell Mind. Retrieved November 17, 2021, from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-happens-during-an-amygdala-hijack-4165944.
Attention Talk Radio - Perfectionism and ADHD: Obstacle or Motivation
Wandering Attention and ADHD: How daydreaming can help you relax and think creatively
Many parents and teachers are concerned when they see children or teens daydreaming or spacing out. They wrongfully assume that daydreaming is not 'productive' and is therefore a waste of time. However, periodically letting your mind drift is actually good for you. It allows for creativity, exploration and rest that the brain doesn’t otherwise engage in. The importance of occasional attention wandering is something that author Daniel Goleman refers to as “open awareness.” It’s a way of perceiving your surroundings without getting caught up in the details; allowing your thoughts to wander freely and spontaneously. This wandering attention is how we come up with new ideas, find inspiration and problem-solve creatively–which is not only useful, but quite productive.
Focused Attention and “The Thinking Brain”
On our busy days, our brains spend most of the time purposefully assembling, managing and applying information while engaging in actions, behaviors and self-expression. We focus our attention on a variety of situations, people, problems and solutions. This focus results from interactions between three parts of the brain: lower, middle and frontal.
The lower brain works mostly out of our consciousness, monitoring sensory information and events in our environment.
The mid-brain monitors and processes emotions.
The frontal lobes, also called the prefrontal cortex, are often called ‘the thinking brain.’ It houses executive functioning skills like planning, organizing, sequencing, self-reflection and impulse control that push away distractions and point the mind on a single task or thought. The prefrontal cortex is the last part of the brain to develop at age 25 or so and is specifically affected by having ADHD. Of course, cultural norms, technology and trauma all affect our attention, as people learn to navigate through their lives, society and the world at large.
Wandering Attention and ADHD
We are bombarded by information every moment of every day, which creates what Goleman refers to as the "neural buzz" in our brains. This ‘buzz’ can easily interrupt us and overwhelm our capacity to manage our focus through our 'thinking brains.' Children, teens and adults with ADHD have brain systems that are associated with creative mind-wandering. There is some thinking that ‘zoning out’ might actually be a time when innovative connections between new ideas are occurring.
When we make space for wandering attention, we not only give ourselves more opportunity for creativity and connection, we also help minimize that persistent and overwhelming ‘neural buzz.' Moreover, open awareness and mind drift are powerful tools for boredom relief and metacognitive thinking.
Ways to help your mind wander
So, what does this mean for you and/or your child? Simply put, allow for some down time—time when the brain can free-associate and take a break from the demands of technology, relationships, academics and performance. This time is critical for balance. Here are a few suggestions:
1. Create technology-free time
Use technology-free time for whatever else you or they want to do–including, and especially, nothing. Set limits for this time if your child is struggling with ‘doing nothing.' Consider making a list of ‘nothing’ activities that foster brain breaks. Examples of low dopamine activities are reading, listening to music, playing in the yard and taking a walk.
2. Explore the great outdoors
Spending time in nature is one of the best ways to let your mind rest and your body recharge. The key is to pick an activity that you enjoy or your family enjoys doing together. Hiking, biking, swimming and canoeing are all wonderful activities. If your child prefers something less active, bring a picnic lunch to the park, fly a kite, build a snowman or gather shells at the beach.
3. Play with a pet
Playing with pets is a fun way to unplug and unwind. Most kids have a natural affinity with animals, and walking a dog or taking care of a pet for a weekend can be an uplifting experience for people of all ages. If you or your family doesn’t have a pet, ask a friend, relative or neighbor who does.
4. Meditate
Older children and teens may find meditation beneficial. With enough practice, it can alleviate stress at the end of a busy day, or help them stay calm before an exam or musical recital. Meditation is a particularly helpful tool for parents–often helping with regaining perspective in times of stress, increasing self-awareness and practicing patience. Fortunately, there are now a myriad of guided meditation apps and videos you can try to help you practice on occasion or in a new routine.
We benefit in many ways from zooming out and letting our minds wander. In the same way we feel recharged after a good vacation or a relaxing day at home, we need to give our minds a break from the constant buzzing. Find an activity or two which will help you take a break and kick back. A little bit of doing nothing is sometimes better than constantly doing something.
Read more blog posts:
- ADHD and Metacognition: Learning to reflect on your thoughts and experiences with a growth mindset
- Celebrate ADHD Awareness Month by Accepting the Wonderful Uniqueness of Living with ADHD
- Social Anxiety and ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation
Learn more at Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel!
Sources: Goleman, D. (2015). Focus: The hidden driver of excellence. Harper.
YourTango - Social Anxiety & ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation
Read the article featured on YourTango! Read the original blog post here. 
The Peaceful Parenting Podcast - Episode 22: Understanding ADHD with Dr. Sharon Saline
- What is ADHD?
- The three types of ADHD
- How to help our kids build working memory
- Why understanding extrinsic vs. intrinsic motivation is important
- Dr. Sharon’s 5 C’s of ADHD parenting approach
COCORO MEDIA: The ADHD-Anger Connection (Japanese Translation)
Click here to read the COCORO MEDIA article (Japanese). Click here the original article on Psychology Today (English).
ADHD and Metacognition: Learning to reflect on your thoughts and experiences with a growth mindset
Metacognition is the awareness and understanding of your own thinking and thought processes with the goal of improving learning and performance. Put simply, it’s a way to manage your thinking. Metacognition allows you to connect the dots, see the big picture, self-evaluate and monitor, which ultimately helps you with performance and task completion. This self-awareness helps improve time management, planning, focus and other skills challenge kids and adults with ADHD. With practice and time, you will get the hang of the skills needed to apply metacognition and improve problem solving.
Metacognition and ADHD
Metacognition is a process related to self-awareness and is considered a key Executive Function (EF) skill because it governs behavioral output and is tied to emotional control. It is the last EF skill to fully coalesce in the late twenties for people with ADHD. In fact, researchers at University College of London found that subjects with better metacognition had more grey matter in the anterior right prefrontal cortex, an area of the brain found to be smaller in folks with ADHD. So, those with ADHD may require a bit more time and effort to strengthen their metacognitive skills. The ability for self-regulation and assessment allows you to better achieve specific goals, learn what worked well (and what didn’t) and to then apply that learning to future tasks.
Benefits of managing your thinking
Metacognitive thinking, along with self-regulation, helps you choose, monitor, and evaluate how you approach a task. It helps you measure progress and how close you are to achieving (or not) your final goal. In addition, it helps you transfer learning and information to different contexts and tasks by being more aware of strengths and challenges.
For example, if you are writing a report for school or work, metacognition increases your awareness of your progress, possible distractions and need for more efficiency so you can make different choices. If, upon self-reflection, you notice it was way too noisy in the coffee shop to concentrate on your writing, you can move to a quieter space to finish your work more productively. When your next writing project rolls around, you will already have learned that you get better results in a quiet environment. You'll skip the cafe and head straight to your bedroom or a nearby library.
The goal is to observe your abilities and improve your strategies to accomplish various tasks and projects. By assessing goals and outcomes, you’re better equipped to shift efforts and strategies. You can then develop, find, and allocate resources to optimize performance. The more experience you have in managing your thinking, the easier it’ll get.
Metacognition in action
Metacognition for task completion
Metacognitive processes can be applied at any point throughout the execution of a task. Therefore, you are learning and adjusting along the way.
Beforehand: Look ahead to what is in front of you: What is the goal of this assignment? Do I have what I need to work on this task? What is my first step? Second step?
During: Notice your progress: How is my plan working? Am I making progress? Do I need to make any adjustments? Where do I need help? Who will I ask for assistance? What do I know about this topic/situation/problem already that could assist me here? Where can I find the information I need?
Afterwards: Consider the process as well as the accomplishment. What did I do well? What could I have done differently?
Metacognition for social interactions
In addition to task completion, metacognitive thinking can be applied to social interactions. You create a valuable feedback loop when you practice asking yourself open-ended questions that foster self-reflection:
“How am I feeling?”
“What’s helped me before that I could apply to this situation?”
“What is the impact of my words or behaviors on others?”
"Where has my attention been drawn to during this conversation?"
“What are their faces and bodies showing me?”
Tips for more beneficial metacognitive practices
1. Practice body awareness
Another way to manage your thinking and increase self-awareness is to notice your body sensations. Are you starting to feel anxious or tense? Is it time to shift gears in order to feel more relaxed?
2. Keep observations neutral
It's very important that you don't use self-evaluation as a pathway for self-criticism. For metacognitive abilities to be useful, they have to be neutral. Instead of asking, "Why can't I do this differently?" ask, "How can I do this differently, and what support do I need to make this happen?"
3. Practice a growth mindset
Reframe self-evaluation from good/bad to working/not working to avoid negativity, reinforce a growth mindset and bolster resilience. Metacognitive thinking is a powerful tool which allows you to acknowledge problems without succumbing to failure mentality or difficulties and giving up. It’s a way to focus on continued learning, improving efficiency in problem solving and identifying tools and resources needed for support.
Read more blog posts:
- Raising Teens With ADHD: Redefining What 'Success' Means
- Low Motivation And ADHD: Using 'GRIT' To Tackle The Essential Tasks When You're Just Not Interested
- Planning And Prioritizing Practices For ADHD Brains: What's The Plan, And When Do You Start?!
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
- ADHD and Metacognition - Executive Functioning Support (ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Sources: Allen, Micah, et al. “Metacognitive Ability Correlates with Hippocampal and Prefrontal Microstructure.” NeuroImage, vol. 149, 2017, pp. 415–423., https://doi.org/10.1016/j.
YourTango: 4 Common Misconceptions About ADHD That Everyone Needs To Forget (Weekly Best!)
*Now a YourTango Experts Weekly Best: Editor's Pick!*
PsychCentral: The 10 Best Books for ADHD in 2021
Dr. Sharon Saline's book, What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew, was chosen "Best for parents of kids with ADHD!" Click here to read the PsychCentral article! Click here to learn more about Dr. Saline's book!
Social Anxiety and ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation
Social anxiety is a fear that people will scrutinize you in either familiar or unfamiliar social situations, and this negative judgment will have harmful effects on you. These worries about humiliation and rejection are persistent, often last six months or more, and restrict your activities, interests and relationships. The Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA) states that approximately 15 million adults in the U.S. (6.8% of the population) meet the criteria for Social Anxiety Disorder, also called social phobia, and it typically starts in adolescence--around 13 years old. Overcoming social anxiety is not easy, and it's a common struggle for children, teens and adults with ADHD. About 50% of adults with ADHD and up to 30% of children with ADHD also have a coexisting anxiety disorder. While you may not be able to overcome social anxiety overnight, you can learn to manage it better with a few key strategies.
Does this sound familiar?
“I feel that a lot of times I genuinely do want to socialize and get to know people. But trauma and fear of rejection disables me from doing it. It’s hard to fight my brain to meet this goal.” – Gunther, age 18 “I have ADHD and social anxiety. The ADHD makes you physically awkward and it makes you stand out. I'm in my 30s and I'm terrified of socializing. It started when I was a kid. It's terrible. I'm a complete hermit.” - Anthony, age 35 When you worry so much about being negatively judged, you can’t really be yourself, make rewarding friendships, or build a satisfying life. Instead, social anxiety blocks you every step of the way.
Sources of social anxiety
Overcoming social anxiety begins with understanding its root causes. It most often stems from one or more of the following: 
- Limited exposure to positive social experiences
- Genetics (people with anxious parents are more prone to anxiety)
- History of being bullied
- Memories of public humiliation
- A general discomfort communicating with people
Other causes of social anxiety may come from feeling that you can’t relate to people or you haven’t learned proper social skills. For teens especially, dating, bullying and peer pressure all contribute to social anxiety. Social anxiety goes beyond shyness or introversion. One of its most important traits is a response to a trigger or situation which is above and beyond the actual threat of that situation. For example: You are so freaked out that everyone is looking at you when you are in line at the café that you don’t even try to stay and order a coffee. In reality, nobody is looking at you other than the server who takes your order. The worst part of social anxiety is that you know what you are doing makes no sense, and yet you can’t stop it anyway.
Symptoms of social anxiety
Some symptoms of social anxiety overlap with the characteristics of ADHD which makes diagnosis and treatment particularly complicated. People with ADHD who already struggle with understanding or missing social cues and wrestling with big emotions are particularly vulnerable to social anxiety.
Common symptoms:
- Feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious when talking to people outside of your immediate family and/or keeping conversations very short
- Having trouble making or keeping friends
- Worrying for days or even weeks before a social event
- Being intensely afraid other people will negatively judge you
- Avoiding experiences or places where social interaction will occur (parties, classes, stores, restaurants, gyms, grocery stores, etc.)
- Being embarrassed to eat in front of others
- Experiencing panic attacks including nausea, shaking or perspiration in social environments
Managing social anxiety
Teens and adults with ADHD may experience social anxiety differently depending on the situation. You may be anxious about talking in class but be comfortable with working out at the gym. It’s important to understand in which environments you experience discomfort, and work on developing coping mechanisms for those settings.
1. Start with small goals
Instead of pressuring yourself to hang out with a group of people on multiple occasions, set up some one-to-one get-togethers with friends or family. These will help you practice your social skills in less overwhelming situations, where you can talk and listen without the distraction of larger crowds.
2. Create a strategy for larger gatherings
Talk through a coping strategy with a parent, sibling, counselor or coach. Think about who feels safe to talk to, who understands that you struggle with social anxiety, and whom you want to avoid. Prepare a one-liner response for when people ask how you are doing: “Nice to see you,” “School/work is going well,” “How are you?”
3. Plan your escape
Decide in advance what you will do if you feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable. Where will you go? The bathroom is always a safe bet as everyone uses it, and it won’t seem odd that you are going there. When you are feeling overloaded, step outside for a few minutes to regroup.
4. Plan for recovery time
Most people with social anxiety need time to recover from the output of energy, thought and emotion that interactions demand of them.
Make a list of things you like to do that will help you chill out and nurture yourself. Post this list in your room and remind yourself to use it!
Many people with social anxiety feel badly about themselves and wish they were different. The truth is, there shouldn't be any shame in feeling socially anxious, and it's common for people with or without ADHD. You are not alone, and you can manage social anxiety effectively with the right support.
Read more blog posts:
- How to Transform Anxiety in Kids with ADHD to Excitement
- 6 Helpful Tips for Dealing with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
- Gender, Sexuality and ADHD: Parenting Children and Youth with ADHD Exploring Their Gender and Sexual Identity
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel: [embed]https://youtu.be/TUOPKtSbR2w[/embed] Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/anxiety/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Sources: Adult ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA. (2021, October 19). Retrieved October 19, 2021, from https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/related-illnesses/other-related-conditions/adult-adhd. Coexisting Conditions. Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD). Retrieved October 19, 2021, from https://chadd.org/about-adhd/coexisting-conditions/. Relationship Between ADHD and Anxiety. Healthline. (2016, December 15). Retrieved October 19, 2021, from https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd-and-anxiety. Understanding Anxiety & Depression: Facts & Statistics. Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA. (2021, September 19). Retrieved October 19, 2021, from https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/facts-statistics.
ADHD Misconceptions: How to respond to 4 damaging false beliefs and assumptions about ADHD
As we continue to celebrate ADHD Awareness Month, I’d like to offer you support and suggestions for dealing with people who don’t understand what it’s like to live with ADHD or believe that it truly exists. Maybe it's your friend, boss, teacher, coach or a family member. ADHD misconceptions and myths negatively impact people with ADHD, and those who support them, every day. Here are some comments that folks just like you have shared about the biases, judgments and frustrations they encounter every day. We'll review why these are beliefs and assumptions are false and how you can respond to them with calm confidence.
4 Common ADHD Misconceptions:
1. ADHD is a lack of willpower.
- “I’m tired of hearing that I’m not trying, or I just make excuses.”
- “People think I don’t want help. What I don’t want is for someone to tell me to do something that makes no sense to my brain.”
- “People think we are just hyperactive, stupid or lazy. They don’t understand that we need a different way to understand concepts or approach tasks.”
One of the biggest ADHD misconceptions is that people with ADHD don't have willpower. But people with ADHD actually have a lot of willpower: You face each day and do the best you can while living with significant executive functioning challenges. You have determination: you try to apply yourself to a variety of tasks in a variety of situations. Lower levels of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain make it much more difficult to muster up the energy and concentration for things that seem uninteresting or unfulfilling and yet, kids and adults with ADHD figure out how to do this when they have access to appropriate supports. You (and/or your child) are a neurodivergent, outside-the-box thinker, which can be a great asset to any project, classroom, team or job. You are warriors.
How you can respond:
When someone talks about laziness or a lack of willpower, consider responding by saying: "ADHD is a biologically-based condition that affects executive functioning skills such as organization, time management and planning. I’m building those skills every day. If you’d like to learn more about ADHD, I’m happy to share some information with you." Remember that you are warriors, regardless of what others think.
2. Everybody has a little ADHD.
- “A little ADHD. Haha. That’s called distraction.”
- “People think if you are not hyper and wild, you don’t have ADHD.”
- “Don’t we all have ADHD because of computers and smartphones?"
There are different types of ADHD (hyperactive-impulsive, inattentive and combination) and different levels of symptomology (mild, moderate or severe). However, there is no such thing as “a little ADHD," and technology does not cause ADHD. Using technology and multitasking can exacerbate symptoms of inattention and impulsivity, but they don’t cause ADHD. ADHD is rooted in a person’s neurology. This is why “everybody has ADHD” is not a valid statement. What we have today is a distracted society, with kids and adults alike accustomed to being virtually connected at all times and expecting immediate responses to questions or problems. These statements minimize your experience as an adult with ADHD, or as a parent of someone with ADHD. It’s easy to feel hurt or angry when you hear them.
How you can respond:
While you might feel frustrated, try responding by saying: “While all people can feel distracted and preoccupied at times, that is very different from the biology of having ADHD.” Do not let their ignorance diminish your lived experience, and focus on your personal strengths.
3. ADHD means lower intelligence.
“The assumption is that you can’t be at the top of your class and have ADHD.” - “Kids with ADHD don't have the same abilities as kids without it.”
- “How do I convince my daughter she is not broken but needs help to teach her the skills she is just lacking in?”
Having ADHD doesn’t mean that your brain is broken or your intelligence is lower. There is more than one way to view intelligence. Harvard psychologist Howard Gardner's Theory of Multiple Intelligences suggests eight to nine different types, including visual-spatial intelligence, musical intelligence, naturalistic intelligence and more. The reality is that everyone has stronger areas of intelligence than others -- ADHD or not. But even if you're simply concerned about IQ, ADHD is not correlated with someone having a a higher or lower score.
People with ADHD struggle with attending to and remembering certain subjects that they're not interested in--more so than their peers. This is because their memory and attention works differently. What people with ADHD attend to, learn and remember is often determined by what elicits a stronger dopamine response.
This doesn't mean that they can't succeed in subjects that don't interest them, it's just much more difficult for them. However, people with ADHD can -- and often DO -- excel in subjects, and especially those that interest them! They can even hyperfocus on interests and activities that attract their attention (which can be, but is not always, a positive experience).
A person with ADHD might also have a lot of knowledge on a subject but struggle with the format of the "tests" that they're given. Many people with ADHD think, process and recall better in less distracting environments. Some think better when they can move around or fidget. They might need more testing time and/or the flexibility to express their knowledge in different ways. Thus, we can't effectively assess everyone's intelligence with a single testing system that wasn't designed for neurodiverse people.
It's a common and dangerous ADHD misconception to think low intelligence is linked to ADHD. It can harm confidence and self-esteem.
How you can respond:
So how do you respond to this hurtful ADHD misconception? Try saying: "ADHD doesn't correlate with higher or lower intelligence. There are many types of intelligence, and people with ADHD are often intelligent in areas that interest us compared to areas that don't because of how our attention is regulated. Though people with ADHD can struggle in school, it has much more to do with the accessibility and flexibility of the learning and testing systems than it does our intelligence." Though people might want to point out your challenges, I encourage you to reflect on, and focus on, your strengths and interests.
4. ADHD means less success.
“My partner thinks our teenager won't get into a good college because of his ADHD."- "I don't see the point of trying to sell my art, no one's going to want it anyways."
- "People think that those with ADHD will always be 'a little behind' their peers."
Growing up, it might have seemed like adults assessed how well we would "succeed in life" based on our school grades, athletic achievements, ability to make and keep friends, etc. Sometimes, it felt that our "success" as a teenager was going to determine the rest of our lives! Kids and teens can get the impression that they're destined for failure when they experience struggles in school. That is far from the truth! But, unfortunately, this belief can negatively impact their mood, self-esteem and motivation. 
Adults with ADHD still experience difficulties, such as executive functioning, emotional dysregulation and impulsivity challenges. But they can also have a greater understanding of their needs and strengths. They have more experience trying what works and what doesn't. Even though adulthood brings more challenges (it certainly does), there are also more opportunities for exploration, self-discovery, connections, joy and "success." It's hard to ignore the many societal influences we encounter everyday that promotes a limited idea of what "success" should look like, but it's important to reflect on what "success" means to you, personally. This way, you make choices that reflect your own goals. Focus on your strengths, interests and values. What would YOU like to accomplish because YOU want to accomplish it? If you have ADHD, you might notice your interests change more frequently than your peers. This might mean your idea of "success" is changing, too, and that's okay!
How you can respond:
If someone is questioning you or your child's ability to "succeed," consider saying something like this: "What it means to 'succeed' is often different from one person to the next. People with ADHD might need accommodations in certain school, work, social and community settings, but we can thrive academically, professionally, socially, creatively and in other various ways. We often live successful and fulfilling lives." Rather than believing people with ADHD don't have the means to "succeed," how can we focus more on helping people with ADHD access the support and accommodations they need so they have more opportunities to succeed? 
Read more blog posts:
- Celebrate ADHD Awareness Month by Accepting the Wonderful Uniqueness of Living with ADHD
- Responding to ADHD Doubters: Learn history and science that debunks 5 common ADHD myths
- Negative Memory Bias and ADHD: Tips to Help Kids and Youth with ADHD Remember the Positives
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
- How to Deal with & Educate ADHD Doubters (ADDitude ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- What the world gets wrong about ADHD - ADHD Awareness Month (ADDitude ADHD Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- Tips to help your kids make a smooth transition back to school (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal interview with Dr. Saline)
Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Sources: Cherry, K. (2019, July 17). Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences. Verywell Mind. Retrieved October 14, 2021, from https://www.verywellmind.com/gardners-theory-of-multiple-intelligences-2795161. Fletcher, J. (2019, July 11). ADHD and high IQ: What's the link? Medical News Today. Retrieved October 14, 2021, from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325715#are-there-any-links.
Attention Talk Radio - ADHD: “I’m Sorry,” a Reflexive Response
YourTango: The Very Best Strategies to Reduce Conflict and Increase Calmness in Your Neurodiverse Kids
Celebrate ADHD Awareness Month by Accepting the Wonderful Uniqueness of Living with ADHD
October marks ADHD Awareness Month! Let’s kick this off by focusing on how you can live with more acceptance of ADHD — as an individual, as a family or with your child. As a person moves through life with ADHD, criticism, from others and yourself, not only adds up over the years but also becomes internalized negative beliefs. This inner critic puts you down and makes it seem like you never measure up when compared to neurotypical peers, who seem as if they don’t make as many mistakes or struggle to the same extent. The secret to reducing negative thought patterns and harsh self-judgments lies turning down the volume of this negative self-critic and accepting the brain you have. Maybe it’s forgiving those moments where you forgot an appointment or learning how to laugh when your daughter left her lunch on the counter again. Acceptance begins by normalizing your experiences and recognizing that you're not alone. It begins with self-compassion.
Embrace your ADHD with self-compassion
Dr. Kristin Neff says that self-compassion is treating yourself with care and understanding instead of harsh judgment. This compassion reduces the isolation that your inner critic thrives on and places you within a common humanity. Instead of feeling alone, unworthy or damaged, you are part of a larger whole — who also experiences disappointment, frustration and low self-esteem at times. All suffering is not the same, of course, but all humans experience pain and suffering in some way that's worthy of empathy. Dr. Neff explains that compassion depends on mindfulness: the ability to sit with things as they are and not deny or minimize them. This is especially important for kids with ADHD, who need to accept themselves — warts and all — in order to learn how to advocate for themselves effectively and see themselves positively as they develop. Self-compassion means asking yourself, "What would help me now? What do I really need at this moment?" instead of, "What's wrong with me? Why can’t I get things right?” It allows someone to stop fighting with themselves and start embracing a growth mindset instead.
Explore who you are, and address feelings of shame
Accepting yourself depends on identifying your strengths, talents and interests while acknowledging and addressing shame. I have been working with kids, teens and adults with ADHD for nearly 30 years, and there is one sad constant that I have seen: every single person has a deep seated sense of shame about having ADHD and/or being 'different' from their peers. 
Whether this shame is obvious or buried, many youngsters and adults living with ADHD just don’t feel good about how they manage school, work, life tasks or social relationships next to their peers. Just like your kids, you may compare yourself to others and come up short. Engaging in “compare and despair” not only hurts you but also makes it much harder to foster the resilience and self-compassion that you and your child really need. When shame, doubt and judgement rise to the surface, shift your focus, and talk back to this inner critic: “I don’t have to listen to you. I can pay attention to my inner coach instead.”
Amplify the voice of your inner coach
While you need to know where you struggle to create plans and programs for improvement, it’s equally very important to remember and understand where you succeed, where you are engaged and what makes you feel good about yourself. This inner coach is your other voice — another part of ourselves that's stronger and louder than shame. It comes from the parts of ourselves that we really like. 
Ask yourself:
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- What about myself am I proud of, and what do I do well?
- What do I like about my ADHD?
- Which activities do I really enjoy and wish I could engage in more?
Brainstorm answers to these questions with your kids, too! Maybe you’re a loyal friend or a talented artist; maybe they are a skilled soccer player, delicious baker or enthusiastic pianist. Write down several of these positive aspects, and leave this list in a bedroom, in the kitchen or on your phone.
Identify what your ADHD means to you.
One of my 10 year-old clients transformed the term ADHD into a colorful list of words he liked about himself: "I have 'Active, Determined, Heavenly, Dreamer Brain,' or I have 'Amazing, Desirable, Heartwarming, Delightful Brain.'" What a great positive reframe from having a "disorder," which is a term that many people in the ADHD community don't actually agree is an accurate way to describe their ADHD neurotype. According to Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, the ideal positivity ratio is 3 positives for every 1 negative. So, by having his list around, it cued him to notice the positive every day. He increased the volume of the voice of his inner coach while turning down the noise from his inner critic.
Celebrate YOU this ADHD Awareness Month
ADHD Awareness Month is about celebrating who you are. Celebrate by noticing what is working, what goes well and what you like about yourself. Help your kids do the same! 
There are so many wonderful aspects of being a creative, outside-the-box thinker. Can your family name these or make a fun poster to hang in the kitchen during October? People who live with ADHD make our world a much richer place. Take pride in the things you or your kids do that are unique, funny, artistic, athletic and brilliant. Accepting yourself with self-compassion allows you to be good enough just as you are: a wonderful, perfectly imperfect human being, and unique — just like everybody else! Enjoy this ADHD Awareness Month — dedicated to you!!
ADHD Awareness Month Events with Dr. Sharon Saline:
ADHD Awareness Expo (10/1 - 10/31) Hosted by Tara McGillicuddy
TADD Talks for ADHD Awareness (10/1 - 10/31) Hosted by ADDA
3rd Annual ADHD EdCamp Home (10/9) Hosted by Brooke Schnittman, Dr. Christina Seamster, Lynn Miner-Rosen and Melissa Knight
On The Right ADHD Trail Telesummit (10/15 - 10/17) Hosted by Cathy Goett
Join me at the 2021 Virtual International Conference on ADHD in November! It's a fantastic place to learn, socialize and have fun with hundreds of people living with ADHD — just like you! Register here!
View all upcoming events with Dr. Sharon Saline.
Read more blog posts:
- Raising Teens with ADHD: Redefining what ‘success’ means
- Negative Memory Bias and ADHD: Tips to Help Kids and Youth with ADHD Remember the Positives
- Responding to ADHD Doubters: Learn history and science that debunks 5 common ADHD myths
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
- How Do I Explain ADHD Without Shame? (ADDitude ADHD Parenting Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- Tips for Helping ADHD Kids and Families Share Feelings (ADDitude ADHD Parenting Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- How to Deal with & Educate ADHD Doubters (ADDitude ADHD Parenting Q&A with Dr. Saline)
Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/shame/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Intrepid Ed News: Connect more, argue less: The 5C’s of ADHD parenting
Low Motivation and ADHD: Using 'GRIT' to tackle the essential tasks when you're just not interested
Handling tasks and obligations we don’t enjoy is a part of everyday life. There are always meals to cook, laundry to do and garbage to take out. Most of us need to push ourselves to do tedious chores. Those with ADHD find it especially difficult to get started and follow through on boring, unpleasant tasks. This can lead to frustration, discouragement and even shame. It can also appear as negativity or procrastination. My GRIT method can help adults and kids learn two essential life skills: how to get motivated and how to see the work through to completion. GRIT is a process by which you get yourself ready to do a task or a work project, stay with it, apply consistent effort and finish a part or all of it. Let’s take a closer look.
People with ADHD lack dopamine, not willpower
The perception that people with ADHD lack grit or willpower is simply not true. ADHD is not a lack of willpower, but rather a condition of being unable to harness the abilities that you have to motivate yourself on something that interests you, and then apply them to something that does not. Dopamine plays an important role here.
People with ADHD are deficient in dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter involved in the reward pathway of the brain that can fuel motivation and action. Young people with ADHD, who have also yet to develop strong internal motivation (which usually develops in early adulthood), have an especially tough time feeling any motivation to start or finish day-to-day or long-term tasks and projects.
Grit is the steadfastness and persistence you need to stick with something and complete it. The GRIT method will help you achieve results and enjoy that wonderful sense of accomplishment.
Building Motivation: The What and The Why
In order to build motivation when you have ADHD, it is important to identify what you want to accomplish and why, and set goals accordingly.
Ask yourself:
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- What do I want to achieve?
- Why is this goal important?
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Here are some examples:
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- I have to pay my bills by the end of the day to avoid late fees.
- I want to do the laundry so I can wear my favorite outfit to work.
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Similarly, children stand a better chance of finishing unpleasant tasks by setting goals for themselves rather than relying on external motivators:
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- Once I clean my room, I’ll be able to watch a movie.
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Understanding your goals will not only help motivate you but will make it easier to see the work through to completion. This is an especially important skill for kids and teens to practice as they learn to manage schoolwork and chores independently.
Set Realistic Expectations
Once you’ve identified your goals, create realistic expectations of your capability, available resources and time constraints. Make a plan for when, where and how you’ll get things done. Try breaking large tasks down into smaller, more manageable pieces.
If it's unrealistic that you’ll wash, dry and fold a load of laundry on a weeknight, split up the work between two nights. Easy tasks can be done anywhere, but difficult tasks might require a quiet room or a stretch of time with minimal interruptions. Consider these constraints and plan accordingly.
Use GRIT to help manage your everyday tasks:
Get situated.
Think about your tasks, do a brain dump and assign numbers to the first 3 items. Then, write where and when you want to do them.
Break your first and second items down into smaller chunks. Finish these first two items before moving on to the next one.
Consider starting your own Personal Project Planner to help you visualize the steps and process of more lengthy or complicated projects.
Resist distraction.
Set reminders. Ask yourself, "How long can I do something before I get bored?” If it's 20 minutes, do your tasks in 20 minutes. Write yourself a note marking where you left off. Go on your break, set the time, go back to what you were doing. Don't try to do something for an hour if that’s an unrealistic expectation. It will end in criticism and negative self-talk. We're all about positive self-talk when building motivation with ADHD.
Implement incentives that matter.
Start with small steps and identify achievable goals. Put the “have-to” before the “want-to,” and use incentives. Watch your TV show after you do the dinner dishes. Meet your friend for coffee after you turn in your project. Use incentives that matter to kids and collaborate with them on setting up the agreement.
Take small steps, and positively talk yourself through the tasks.
Instead of saying to yourself, "Why can't I get more done? Why didn't I do this the way it should have been done?" say, "Look at what I was able to do!” Model positivity for your kids.
Try a “high and a low," or a "happy and a crappy” exercise at dinner to highlight the day's wins.
Consider writing down three good things or accomplishments each night before bed.
Low motivation is a common struggle for people with ADHD. But you CAN overcome it. Enable yourself with the right motivational tools and a positive can-do attitude. Make it a point to acknowledge each accomplishment, no matter how small.
Read more blog posts:
- Starting Tasks with ADHD: How to help kids and teens feel motivated to get the ball rolling!
- Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
- ADHD and Motivation: How stress reduces productivity and what you can do about it
Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline’s YouTube Channel:
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- What's my motivation? ADHD & Motivation (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
- Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
- 4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)
Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
ADDitude Mag - You Are Worthy of Self-Compassion: How to Break the Habit of Internalized Criticism
YourTango: What You Can Do When Your Child's ADHD And Defiance Makes You Want To Yell - Reprinted
*A YourTango Experts Weekly Best!*
"ADHD and defiance can be a tricky combination. There are so many facets to kids with ADHD. Yes, they are creative, passionate, and smart. Yes, they can also be distractible, energetic, impulsive, intense, and strong-willed. And yes, going back to school amidst the surge of Covid-19 is making things that were previously challenging harder in many ways and adding new hurdles."
Read Dr. Saline's article on YourTango. Read the original blog post by Dr. Saline.
Starting Tasks with ADHD: How to help kids and teens feel motivated to get the ball rolling!
Have you ever asked your teen with ADHD to start their homework--over and over--and, still, they don't sit down to do it? Even if they're failing the class, and it means they won’t be able to play on the basketball team? Even if it means that they won’t be able to go out on Friday night? It’s hard not to become immensely frustrated with their behavior at this point. But, most often, starting tasks with ADHD is challenging because they lack the motivation, either internal or external, that would get them going. How can you, as their parent, assist them in developing much-needed motivation?
Internal vs. External Motivation: Getting to the starting line
Let’s first reflect on ourselves and what helps us do things.
It’s easy to do something you like, whether it’s reading an engrossing novel or playing tennis on a sunny day. It is MUCH harder to do something that you don’t like, such as folding laundry or taking out the trash.
When a task is fundamentally unrewarding or uninteresting, we are not very compelled to do it. We lack internal motivation.
When a task doesn’t have meaningful deadlines or immediate consequences to get us started (i.e. your boss expects the report tomorrow), it lacks external motivation. In both cases, we have to find something to get us going, and neurotypical adult brains rely on fully matured frontal lobes to do so.
Why your child or teen with ADHD struggles to start tasks
Children and teens with ADHD have not yet developed the executive functioning skills to overcome poor focus, disinterest or boredom to get unpleasant tasks done. They often do not possess the strategies or solutions to address either internal or external motivation deficits. If something seems unappealing, they turn away from it--even if the consequences are serious.
Most kids have to rely on external rewards to rouse themselves. Internal motivation, and the satisfaction a person receives when a dreaded task is completed, comes later– in early adulthood. So children and teens need help from adults in their lives to create external rewards that are both meaningful and encouraging.
3 simple steps to get your child with ADHD feeling MOTIVATED:
1. Talk about the concept of external motivation
Most ADHD children and teens will acknowledge when they struggle with focusing and what tasks lack inherent interest or value for them. Ask what has assisted them in doing such things in the past and what would entice them to do them now.
2. Decide in advance with your child what the rewards will be for finishing something that is difficult to do
For example, if your son finishes his history project on time, maybe he can go out for pizza with his friends. Or, if he works for 30 minutes, he can earn 10 minutes of social media or music time.
Do not remove the agreed upon reward if he engages in a separate behavior that you don’t like. If he earned the reward for doing the agreed-upon activity, then he should have it.
3. Break the task down
Remember: Most ADHD kids and teens have a great deal of difficulty starting something unpleasant because the task seems too large. Break it down into smaller components with timed rest periods during which your child or teen can engage in a desired activity.
Putting it all into practice: Helping your kid with ADHD start tasks -- without the arguments.
Let’s say, for example, your 12 year old daughter’s room is a mess. It's been in this state for a few weeks now, and you're anxiously waiting for her to at least get started on cleaning it up.
Your perspective:
Now, as an experienced adult who has cleaned many rooms in your lifetime, you can easily see what needs to get done--especially if you're neurotypical. You can quickly imagine an order in which she could complete the steps and about how long each task would take.
You can also imagine the final product: a beautiful, comfortable and welcoming bedroom. It's a delightful, desirable, intrinsically motivating outcome that would keep you pushing through the tedious tasks of cleaning and organizing.
Your daughter's perspective:
Your neurodivergent daughter, on the other hand, doesn't see the task of cleaning her room from your perspective. She has a harder time seeing the project in small steps and is immediately overwhelmed with the thought of starting anywhere.
It seems like there's too much to handle because there's more than she can tackle at one time. She's having a hard time seeing the smaller steps involved that she could work on here and there. She's also struggling to imagine organizing her room more efficiently. With school books to read, friendships to grow and soccer games to win, she's not focusing on a cleaning project that involves more internal motivation than external.
Step 1: Before approaching her about your concern, ask yourself it it's the right time.
Are you going to push the topic because of your discomfort of walking by a messy room, or because you think a more organized room would genuinely help her?
Is she is the right headspace to consider tackling her room? For instance, it wouldn't be best to bring up the topic during a day that she's feeling stressed about an upcoming exam. And, even if you're familiar with the mood-boosting effects cleaning and organizing can bring, don't ask her to focus on cleaning her room when she's in a low mood after a disagreement with a friend. Unless they know they enjoy cleaning, another activity would be more comforting in that moment. For someone who has ADHD, feeling physically, mentally or emotionally drained will only make it more difficult for them to engage their executive functioning skillset.
Step 2: Bring up your concern, and listen to her side of the story, too.
Sit down with your daughter and discuss your concern with her bedroom. Ask her how she feels about it. Does it bother her? Does she have a method of organization that works for her, even if you don't understand it? Help her understand the potential benefits of a clean, inviting room; for herself, her guests and your family. See if she feels a difference between walking into a clean room (you can use yours as an example) and a disorganized room.
Step 3: Brainstorm a plan and solutions to any organizational changes that need to be addressed.
If she's feeling stuck with where to start, write a list of the smaller steps that make up the project as a whole. Ask if there are ways you can help reorganize her room. Is it time for a bigger bookshelf? Can you offer a trip to the local donation center to drop off some old clothes and free up more space in her closet?
Step 4: Build on external motivation.
Rather than promising more items that will only add to the organization project, perhaps plan a fun weekend outing together when you can drop off the clothes. You can pick up some ice cream or stop by their cousin's house for a visit. What is an activity that she'll genuinely enjoy, and perhaps help you both connect more positively?
Step 5: Plan how long you'll tackle each step.
Think realistically together about how long she can actually work before she gets distracted. Let’s say, 20 minutes. Set up three 20 minute work periods with 5 minute movement, snack or bathroom breaks.
Remember, your child or teen might need help figuring out where to begin, or they might want you to stay in their room to help guide them through the process. Your skills, ideas and encouragement can be a key to their success! Good luck with your efforts, and let's get started!!
Read more blog posts:
- Planning and Prioritizing Practices for ADHD Brains: What’s the plan, and when do you start?!
- Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
- ADHD and Motivation: How stress reduces productivity and what you can do about it
Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline's YouTube Channel:
-
- Initiating and Completing Tasks with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
- Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
- 4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)
Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Totto Learning: Are you worried your child has ADHD? Here are the next steps.
Hear how Dr. Sharon Saline explains what the first few steps as a parent you can do if you are worried that your child has ADHD and learn best practices for better parenting. - Totto Learning. Watch the video: [embed]https://youtu.be/ADj4Dyu2Xcc[/embed]