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Returning to School with ADHD: Tips on helping anxious kids transition smoothly
Back to school is normally a time of excitement with a splash of worry thrown in. But this year, with the shift from remote learning to in-person or hybrid instruction, it seems that there’s more worry with just a splash of excitement. For neurodiverse kids who found online learning more helpful in certain ways, this could be even less exciting. Returning to School with ADHD isn't easy. How can you assist your child or teen with ADHD reduce their back to school worries and make a smooth transition?
Start by discussing and accepting their feelings and your own worries.
Everybody feels uncertain and uncomfortable right now. Change, in the midst of COVID numbers rising again and the confusion about getting vaccinated, make us all feel insecure. How do we reintegrate as a society? Is it safe to gather? What advice do we follow? Following the CDC guidelines seems to differ among various people. You have to follow your own guidelines about what makes you feel safe while understanding that kids need to return to some degree of normalcy.
During the pandemic, we’ve been separated from so many aspects of our typical lives. As parents, you’ve been stressed thin with juggling work, school supervision and the regular demands of family life. In this strange, extended period, kids of all ages, whose social and emotional development highly depends on social interactions, have missed having close peer connections and struggled navigating the complexities of online relationships for more than a year.
Kids with ADHD who’ve been doing hybrid or remote learning have also been able to move around physically, follow impulses and refrain from practicing the emotional regulation that’s required of them in the school building. These adjustments will change once they are in classrooms.
Preparing anxious kids for the returning to school with ADHD not only relies on reviewing the various alterations to the school environment but also practicing necessary social skills, COVID hygiene and academic adjustments. Follow these steps to promote confidence, strategies and resilience in your student.
Tips to help anxious kids transition to returning to school with ADHD and confidence:
1. Manage your own concerns first.
Kids have incredible radar. They easily pick up when their parents are stressed or anxious and it increases their own distress, conscious or unconscious. The first step in decreasing the anxiety your child or teen is feeling is to lower your own.
Take a few minutes and discuss your concerns about returning to school with ADHD, anxiety and COVID concerns with your partner, a friend, extended family member or counselor. Write these down and then strategize responses or to-do action items to each one by creating an “Anxiety Decelerator Plan.”
This ADP will help you feel like you have some control. For instance, if your child needs more support than they received in the spring, one of your action items should be to contact the school adjustment or guidance counselor and set up a meeting.
2. Identify their worries.
We can’t assist kids in turning down the frequency or intensity of their anxiety unless we know what’s causing it. Worried thinking and environmental triggers set children and teens off and then they fall down the rabbit hole. We want to stop this tumble.
During your weekly or twice a week check-in meetings (these are a must), explore what might be uncomfortable or uncertain about in-person/hybrid learning. Write these down. Pick one fear together to address first and when its volume is lower, you can pick another. Remember, people can really only change one thing at a time.
3. Consider past success.
When kids are anxious, they experience amnesia about times in the past when they overcame obstacles. Talk about a situation ortwo from the past when there was a challenge that they dealt with successfully. What happened? What did they rely on inside of themselves to do this? Did anyone assist them? Write down their responses: they are critical pieces of your youngster’s resilience toolkit that they need for bouncing back from anxiety.
Link some of these tools to the worry that you both have agreed to work on. Cue them to use this tool and check in about how it’s going at your meetings. Brainstorm what you can do to assist them that works for both of you (especially for tweens and teens).
4. Avoid reassurance, and rely on acknowledgment instead.
Anxiety loves reassurance. But while reassurance brings about a short-term relief, it increases long-term anxiety because it doesn’t teach kids the skills they need to do this for themselves. What parents need to do is acknowledge the fear and validate their concerns.
Say something like, “Yes, of course you are worried about returning to school. It's a big adjustment. What did we do when we needed to make a change last year? How can we use those strategies for this transition?” Making these connections for kids fosters their capabilities for self-reassurance and resilience.
5. Create a new normal.
Nothing is the same, and even though we desire our old normal, it’s not here. Welcome and adapt to new rhythms instead of fighting them. Identify available resources that you have now and didn’t before: safe social interactions, outside exercise, educational tutors and better intervention. This shift in your focus will aid your kids with ADHD who naturally wrestle with flexibility pivot more successfully.
Read more blog posts:
- ADHD Teens and Remote Learning: 5 Tips for Learning Success
- How to Transform Anxiety in Kids with ADHD to Excitement
- Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
- How to Help Your Children Transition Back to School Smoothly (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal interviews Dr. Saline)
- ADHD Students: Tips for Transitioning Back to In-person Learning (ADDitude ADHD Parenting Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- Help Your Kid Overcome School Anxiety (Operation Parent Webinar with Dr. Saline)
Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/online-learning-tips-for-parents-bundle/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Recognizing ADHD in Boys and 4 Ways to Help Them Succeed
We know that ADHD affects both the person who has it and their family. Over six million children and adolescents in the United States have been diagnosed with ADHD. While most ADHD profiles are not gender-specific, there are a few key differences between ADHD in girls and ADHD in boys when it comes to diagnosis and developing routines or treatment.
What is unique about ADHD in boys?
As you wash the dishes, you look out the back window and smile at your kids playing in the dirt. Your young son, Damon, is singing and running in circles with that contagious, boundless energy that makes you smile. Your daughter is writing with chalk on the patio while the sun sets. Later, the kids come inside screaming. It turns out Damon has been “annoying” his sister. He has been having issues sharing their outdoor toys and even damaged one. Your son has been having small, fiery outbursts at his sister. They don’t last very long and he is otherwise a well-behaved kid. While you explain to both of them why sharing is important, you notice his eyes look out the window, his foot starts tapping and then he bends down to playing with his shoelace. Because boys are more likely than girls to be hyperactive, ADHD in boys is often displayed earlier and often. The current ratio of boys to girls with ADHD is 3:1, with some studies suggesting 4:1. Noticing that your son is unusually energetic, impetuous or spacey can lead you down the path towards an accurate diagnosis. Hyperactivity, impulsive behavior, and inattention are all attributed to boys with ADHD. These are also common traits in younger children and preschoolers, who naturally experience difficulty paying attention and following directions. If your child is still in early developmental stages, keep an eye on these behaviors and seek out patterns if there is cause for concern. Regardless of how ADHD manifests itself in your son, there are ways to reduce symptom flare-ups and actively help him succeed. Here are a few tips to help encourage your growth together.
4 Ways to Support Your Neurodiverse Son during Childhood and Adolescence
1. Boot the stereotypes.
“Boys will be boys” though, right? Not so much, actually. Learned behavior and stereotype indicators can lend to biases, conscious or otherwise. Yes, historically, boys are more aggressive. ADHD in boys often shows up as more oppositional than their female counterparts. However, this isn’t the case for every male child or adolescent. All small children start out with open hearts and minds, and some mischief in their eyes. Believing boys are more aggressive or shrugging off any signs of aggressive behavior can both enable negative patterns and drive you further from diagnosing anything behavioral-related. Now is also a good time to address any biases you may have developed on your own over time. Books, peers, and outside sources can really help. But it's most helpful to make yourself fully aware of the lens through which you are viewing your child.
2. Meet them where they are at.
Aside from unconscious bias, it can often be difficult to approach a child with ADHD during a fallout or in the midst of chaos. It is important - especially in stressful spaces - that you choose mindfulness. Choosing mindfulness in every situation will improve your communication skills with everyone around you, especially a child who may be struggling. This begins with allowing your child space when they need to calm down. If you are mindful of their emotions at the moment, then they will be more open to responding instead of reacting. The ramifications of ADHD in boys can be excruciating. Even early on, they can be excluded because of increased aggression, or the aforementioned gender bias. They may thrive with attention and want to hold the spotlight a bit more than usual, resolving in aggression from other students and children. However, receiving negative feedback in these instances can be earth-shattering for your son, especially early on in development. Just imagining how this much critical feedback will probably increase your stress levels. Approaching them with compassion can do wonders for their self-esteem.
3. Teach effective coping strategies.
Boys with ADHD often struggle with managing their emotions and can misinterpret social situations or miss social cues. Because of this, they are more likely to resort to humor as a way to deflect their issue or cope with discomfort. Peers may find this annoying. And this is just one key example of acting out. As much as - or even more so than - girls, they need to be taught effective coping strategies for managing limited verbal impulse control and emotion dysregulation. 
One of the biggest things to keep in mind is that boys tend to experience fewer problems in an activity-oriented social world. In these spaces, common traits for ADHD in boys such as risk-taking and aggression can be viewed in a positive manner. Finding them a group hobby, like improvisational theater, a team sport or another extra-curricular will encourage social interaction and help with symptom management. Mindfulness is also a highly effective coping strategy for people with ADHD. Research has largely supported the fact that meditation for mindfulness can expand the brain’s capacity to hold attention. This is absolutely amazing, and something I think all parents can approach at a reasonable pace for both themselves and their children. Starting with just one minute a day of stillness or silence in gratitude is a great place to start. If your child requires a little more interaction with their senses, try playing a tranquil piece of music that calms them. Of course, like girls, they also benefit from direct instruction about organizing, planning, prioritizing, flexibility, and time management.
4. Set goals in line with their ideas.
Building awareness of themselves is key as boys in general mature more slowly than girls. Working together with that awareness can help to empower your ADHD son in navigating his every day. Ask questions that bring focus to how, when, and what more than why. Learning about their likes and dislikes together will help them not only to connect with you but for you to better identify triggers and their ideas of success. Here's an easy, useful activity for self-discovery. In a quiet moment, explore these questions with your son:
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- What type of learner am I?
- What am I good at, and how am I good at it?
- Which tasks are most challenging for me?
- When am I able to focus best?
These questions will help them to start verbalizing their thoughts and examine themselves--building the foundation for the all-important executive functioning skill of self-evaluation. For school-aged children, the following additional questions are often key to identifying study patterns and habits. They can help you set concrete, achievable goals that will not overwhelm your child. (Or you!)
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- What helps me pay attention in class?
- What distracts me during homework or other activities?
- When am I planning to do X and how can we assess the time needed for that?
As always, there are many ways to help your son live with more satisfaction and self-confidence. Check out my 5 C’s of ADHD Parenting for more.
Learn more:
CHADD Webinar | Navigating College with ADHD: Preparing for Success!
The Truth about ADHD in Girls, and 5 Ways You Can Help
Raquel is a bright, creative girl who likes singing, dancing around the house and riding her bike. She is an eighth grade girl with ADHD and mild dyslexia and receives support services at school through her IEP. She can be articulate, warm and funny. Raquel also has also developed a nice group of friends over the past year. Shana can be easily distracted and inflexible about routines. Her room is very disorganized and meals are difficult since she’s particular about her food and doesn’t like to hear other people chew. Bedtime and morning routines often deteriorate into yelling matches if she’s not getting what she wants immediately. In addition, she procrastinates about cleaning her room for months at a time. Life at home with her parents and two older siblings is marked by tension, arguments and disappointment, which nobody likes. For parents of girls with ADHD, can you relate?
Symptoms of ADHD in girls
Although the basic diagnostic criteria for ADHD are the same for all genders, ADHD often looks different for females than it does for males. While you may see signs of physical and verbal impulsivity and hyperactivity in your daughter, you are just as likely to see silliness or spaciness, shyness, daydreaming, perfectionism, anxiety, forgetfulness, emotional dysregulation, trouble making and keeping friends and picking at themselves.
These signs can be overlooked in favor of boys who demonstrate more externalizing symptoms of ADHD and draw more attention from the teacher in class. For every girl who is diagnosed with ADHD, there are three boys with the condition.
How the presentation of ADHD in girls impacts a diagnosis
Girls with ADHD are diagnosed on average up to five years later than boys. Boys are diagnosed more often with hyperactivity/impulsivity, usually exhibiting inappropriate, aggressive or impulsive behaviors. Girls tend to have the inattentive type of ADHD, with more internal traits. This explains why we miss diagnosing ADHD in girls so much of the time. Both boys and girls with ADHD have brains that mature more slowly than neurotypical kids, with a lag of to three years. Higher rates of anxiety and depression often accompany ADHD in girls or may well overshadow or mask it altogether.
Unique challenges for girls with ADHD
While girls with ADHD can pay attention and focus well on things that interest or come easily to them, it’s their difficulties with uninteresting, unpleasant tasks where their ADHD brains struggle. Some deficits may be more obvious than others. Kendra gets to school on time but can’t keep your bedroom organized or meet deadlines for assignment. Zara gets her work done but is distracted so easily that it takes her twice as long as it should.
To make things more difficult, many girls with ADHD or LD will deny their executive functioning challenges and academic issues due to embarrassment or low self-worth.
Ashamed of their difficulties and overwhelmed by frustration or fear about possible negative outcomes, some girls with ADHD will do anything to avoid disappointing friends and family, including themselves. Their challenges with verbal expression, auditory processing or verbal control make it harder for them socially. Girls are often conditioned to believe that they define themselves through their relationships. So when girls with ADHD misread cues or don’t hear what someone is saying because they are distracted or struggle to express themselves, they have a much harder time relating to their peers with the expected verbal connections.
Many girls will suffer silently rather than appear different from friends. Teachers and parents may miss seeing the ADHD that really exists as girls try to fly under the radar. Addressing this shame is a key feature of any therapeutic work for girls with ADHD. Of course, everybody with ADHD has serious executive functioning challenges, but all neurodivergent people have personal strengths.
Here are some ways that you can support girls with ADHD in your life:
1. Manage your own reactivity:
When you are triggered by your daughter, it’s really difficult to show up as the parent you want to be. Figure out the internal signals that you are being set off and create a plan to calm yourself down.
Take a timed break from each other, go to the bathroom or step outside. Your emotional response will simply activate her even further.
In a calm moment, discuss what’s okay to say and do when she’s upset and what isn’t. Ask her to think of a logical consequence for cursing you out or a way that she can make amends for leaving a sink full of dirty dishes.
2. Set up weekly meetings:
To avoid nagging and arguments, sit down together once or twice a week. Assist them to organize their daily and weekly schedules and set up doable routines. Work with their desire for mastery and independence. Offer girls choices and incorporate their ideas for any programs you create. This will increase their buy-in.
3. Determine their executive functioning age:
Kids develop in uneven ways. They are stronger in some areas than others and this patterned development is especially true for both boys and girls with ADHD. If your daughter is 12, she may act 12 in her self-care (hygiene and ability to take care of the cat). But she may be more like a nine year-old in her organizational, planning and focus skills. Talk with her about her strengths and challenges and pick one skill to improve.
4. Make a study plan:
Figure out together where, when and how homework or hybrid school will occur.
If your daughter gets easily overwhelmed or distracted, help her (or ask the school to) break assignments down into smaller, manageable parts.
Teach her about time: what it feels like and how to work within its limits. This doesn’t come naturally to many kids with ADHD.
5. Offer empathy for their struggles:
Overcoming shame and learning how to advocate for herself are the best things you can teach your daughter to do. Perhaps you’ve had to learn these skills, too. What negative things does she say to herself? How can the two of you reframe these criticisms into something more positive? What tools does she need to talk honestly and non-judgmentally about her executive functioning challenges so she can get the accommodations and support she needs?
Recall times she’s faced her fears or her embarrassment before, and write down these moments of resilience. Hang it up in her room so she can look at the list. It's too easy to forget the wins!
Read more blog posts:
- Moms with ADHD: Nurturing your power of authenticity
- Recognizing ADHD in Boys and 4 Ways to Help Them Succeed
- Gender, Sexuality and ADHD: Parenting Children and Youth with ADHD Exploring Their Gender and Sexual Identity
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
- How Do I Support My Daughter with ADHD? (ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
- Moms with ADHD: Why YOU Are the Best Mother for Your Child (ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
- How to Deal with & Educate ADHD Doubters (ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
5 Tips to Uplevel Your Spring Cleaning and Decluttering
As the spring air settles in, the daylight hours get longer, and our positivity shifts. But that glistening sunshine may cast a harsh light on the parts of your home and your life that need a good reset after this COVID year. Spring cleaning and decluttering can ignite fresh ideas and increase productivity. Both cleaning and the resulting tidiness and spaciousness can help reduce stress and anxiety. This is a great time to get your house and your mental health in check as we transition back to 'normal'. You'll help yourself and your Neurodiverse kids to create an optimal ecosystem so the re-entry back to school feels organized and fresh. Follow these steps in our Spring Spankin' Clean Checklist to get started and map out your plan of action.
1. Strategize your spring cleaning and decluttering.
Instead of stressing about devoting an entire day or weekend to spring cleaning, take a different approach. It will probably be more productive for you to tackle different aspects of decluttering and cleaning in phases. Dedicate short windows of time to particular areas of your house, so the task feels less overwhelming. If trying to clean the kitchen, the office and living room in one day sounds like too (it does to me!), pick one room to approach. 
Make a list of what you want to do, how much overall time you want to spend in that room and how your kids can assist you. Give them tasks that are age appropriate and fit their capabilities. Pick different days for projects too. Maybe spend 20 minutes vacuuming your rugs on Saturday, 30 minutes going through your dresser drawers on Sunday, and so on. This will make everything feel more manageable, especially when you have your munchkins helping you out.
2. Start with cleaning the space that inspires you and your kids.
What parts of disarray in the house bother you the most? What bothers them? If it happens to be your desk or their workspace, start to declutter there. If your kids' imagination is sparked in the playroom or their rooms, head there. Your family thrives together in the kitchen? Optimize that space first. Together, collaborate on a plan of attack. What are you going to do first? What's after that? You're not just tidying up: you're actually teaching them executive functioning skills like planning, prioritizing and organization along the way. Emphasize teamwork. How you approach this process and how you manage your frustration will set the tone for your decluttering process. Take short breaks to reset, have a drink or use the bathroom and then a longer break when you've completed a chunk of work.
3. Set donation goals.
It can be easy to forget that we don’t need every item in our homes… until spring cleaning comes around. I approach spring cleaning every year with a goal of donating items that I haven't worn or used in several years and don't think I will in the future.
Some of these items may be in bad shape and will head to the trash. But other things could interest or help other people. Create a few bags or boxes: keep, trash, donate. Assign or place items in these categories. By the end of my cleaning project, I may have a dozen things to sell at the consignment store or drop by the local donation thrift shop. Set goals like this with your kids too. They will have outgrown certain clothes or games and sharing them with others can give them a sense of purpose. It can be hard for some neurodivergent kids to let go of their stuff. If that's true in your house, create a maybe bag as a transitional holding place. Then, you can revisit it in two weeks. Working together like this shows them know how to contribute to the household and to those less fortunate. Remember to use small incentives (like a new book or extra screen or outdoor time) to motivate them and keep them focused on the goal.
4. Organize your kids with Self-Smart Systems.
Start your organizing projects with your kids by asking them some questions. Instead of, "Why are your clothes always on the floor?" try, "I notice your clothes seems to end up on the floor. What might change that?" Kids with ADHD often have their own ideas about what makes sense to their brains in terms of managing their stuff. Some like to separate their clothes by color; others by function (tops, bottoms, etc.); others by seasons. Work with your child's internal systems by expressing curiosity. "I wonder what would make it easier for you to see what's in your drawers" or, "Let's put the things you're not really wearing in a plastic box and revisit this in a few months." Ask, listen, participate and guide. When you do this, you become your child's cleaning ally instead of their adversary.
5. Consider storing winter or other seasonal items.
Blankets, coats, gloves, hats, bathing suits, flip flops, beach toys. You don't need access to all of these things all year long. Decide what you will need and use and then put away the other stuff. For people living in cooler climates, may winter items can be bulky and take up lots of space. When there's fewer items in the environment, it's easier for kids with ADHD (and their parents) to see their options and use their stuff. To deal with unnecessary items, consider vacuum sealing. First, your son or daughter will think it's the coolest thing ever and probably will help you. Who doesn't want to see stuff shrink? These packages will take up less space so that your closets look and feel more streamlined. 
Another option is using plastic storage bins. I love these! Label the boxes and put them out of sight. When winter returns next year, you'll be able to see and locate everybody's stuff more quickly. Of course, if you find items that are outgrown or used very little this winter, pass them along to others! Spring cleaning and decluttering can refresh the mind, body, and spirit. Set aside specific times on the family calendar to tidy up. Whatever steps your family takes now, you'll reap the benefits that much sooner! 
Read more blog posts:
- Feeling overwhelmed by something? Break it down!
- Teens, ADHD and Procrastination
- ADHD and Motivation: How stress reduces productivity and what you can do about it
Handouts, videos & more in Dr. Saline's Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
ADHD and Technology: Sensible Solutions to Screen (In)Sanity
Do you feel like your child with ADHD has turned into a tech-obsessed stranger? If so, you are not alone. Many parents and caregivers are distraught and overwhelmed by the role that technology now plays in the lives of their children and teens. While you may sometimes want to throw the iPad, Chromebook, smartphone, etc. out of the window, I recommend that you take a deep breath and create a plan for a balanced media diet instead. The relationship between ADHD and technology can be positive, and a healthy balance will benefit your child and your family.
The acronym SCREENS can assist you with managing ADHD and technology:
Start with reasonable goals.
Collaborate on your technology plan.
Redirect to agreed-upon alternatives.
Expect pushback and decide in advance what to do.
Employ Easy on/Easy off technique.
Notice cooperation and nurture consistency.
Screens stay out of bedrooms at night.
Putting SCREENS to practice for ADHD and technology at home:
START with reasonable goals about media use right now.
During COVID, kids are on their technology more, plain and simple. But this doesn’t mean that they should have free rein over screen use in your family. What do you think is a reasonable daily amount of screen time? What do they think? If you are unsure, talk with your pediatrician or primary care provider for their advice on balancing ADHD and technology. The goal is balancing the high dopamine activities of online stimulation with lower dopamine periods to rebalance brain chemistry and settle down.
COLLABORATE on a plan about when and where screen time occurs.
All screen time is not equal: there’s a difference between TikTok, texting, Snapchat, gaming, surfing the net and watching television. Talk about these differences and how to equalize them. Then, find neutral ground between what your kids want and what you think is best. The bar may be lower now due to COVID, and that’s okay. Let them know it’s an evolving situation where things can change.
REDIRECT and be very clear about what qualifies as inappropriate use of technology.
Sexting, online bullying, visiting unsuitable sites, sneaking devices and being online at 2 a.m indicate a lack of respect about screen privileges. Discuss these differences and set up logical consequences for these type of behaviors. In addition, set up ways for your child to earn back your trust.
EXPECT PUSHBACK and you will not be surprised when it arises once again.
Your child or teen will not thank you for creating screen time as an earned privilege. In fact, they will most likely become angry and tell you that being online is their right. I don’t agree. Our children are entitled to food, clothing, shelter, love, healthcare, education and a secure environment. Screen time is not on this list. Instead, I see it as a ‘want-to” that follows the ‘have-to’s’ of life. Have a plan in place for this so you are prepared. Also, be sure to monitor your own screen use. Kids with ADHD can smell hypocrisy a mile away. They will howl if adults stay on their phone at dinner but the kids’ phones are relinquished for a quiet meal.
EMPLOY EASY ON/EASY OFF TECHNIQUE and think about the role that you want technology to play in your family.
Decide how much screen time (not for school) you want your child or teen to have daily. Have a conversation about how much they desire. Then, decide on a baseline amount and a bonus amount of time. Perhaps the baseline is one hour after homework is completed and another two hours for earned time. How kids EASE OFF baseline once it is completed determines if they earn some of the bonus time. You can also attach bonus time to completion of chores, lack of yelling or cursing, readiness for school, going to bed on time, etc. Any desired behavior should be linked to earned screen time. Write down your plan and post it in the kitchen so it can be referred to easily.
NOTICE AND VALIDATE COOPERATION; managing ADHD and technology is not easy.
Notice and validate any cooperation your child offers and expect to adjust the plan along the way. Balancing ADHD and technology as a child or teen is really difficult! Pick a time for a short weekly family meeting to discuss the earned privileges plan (maybe give it a snappy name) and how it’s going. Expect to make adjustments, but do not do this in the middle of an escalation. Your child will exert many tactics to get you to back down. Stay steady!! Let them know that all changes can be discussed in the weekly meeting and that negotiation does not mean they will get what they want. A good compromise occurs when everybody is a bit unhappy with the agreement.
SCREENS STAY OUT OF BEDROOMS AT NIGHT to avoid sneaking and using technology at inappropriate times.
Our brains need a break from looking at a screen to integrate, regroup and rest. Middle-of-the night texting, gaming or watching YouTube videos disrupts kids’ sleep and makes for tired, cranky children. Set up a screen-free family time during the day (meals, chores, games, baking, sports, etc.). This will give kids a chance to connect with others and practice real time social skills. It will also foster closer relationships with you through conversation and activity.
Good luck, and remember that any change takes time, practice and patience to take hold!
Read more blog posts:
- ADHD and Screen Sanity: Why a digital break is good for everybody right now
- Regulate Summer Screen Time for Your Child with ADHD and Yourself
- ADHD, Defiance and COVID: What can you do instead of yelling?
Learn more:
- From Screen Time to Safe Socializing: The Summer 2020 Guide for ADHD Families (Additude Magazine article by Dr. Saline)
https://drsharonsaline.com/product/managing-technology-families-video/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/online-learning-tips-for-parents-bundle/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/smartphones/ Read more about ADHD
Perfectionism and ADHD: Why 'good enough' is better than perfect
Do you have a child or teen who needs to get things right or else? Perfectionism can be motivating and debilitating. While it’s admirable to want to do our best and strive for academic, social and professional success, many folks with perfectionism and ADHD go beyond this desire to do well. They create unrealistic standards of success, compare themselves negatively to neurotypical peers and focus too much on the end result and not the process of getting there. Learning to aim for steadiness and ‘good enough’ can relieve pressure that kids with ADHD put on themselves, and that adults set for them as well.
Perceived positives of perfectionism and ADHD
There are several helpful aspects of perfectionism that assist kids with ADHD to get started and keep going on tasks and projects. They want to achieve a personal standard, create a piece of work or express themselves with pride and satisfaction. Perfectionism also contributes to the productive side of worry. It helps people by encouraging planning and fostering initiation such as doing homework, getting to work on time or remembering to charge your phone.
The pitfalls of perfectionism
But, perfectionism also limits people, especially children and teens with ADHD. The unhelpful aspects of perfectionism and ADHD include:
- Self-criticism (negative self-talk)
- Rigidity (not completely right means failure)
- Fear of disappointment (self or others)
- Avoidance of failure (not trying because effort won’t earn desired result)
- Sensitivity to feedback (defensiveness)
- Discouragement/depression (low self-worth due to incomplete goals)
Anxiety and procrastination
Perfectionism and ADHD can exacerbate anxiety and reflect worry about things we think we cannot control. When kids have experienced previous struggles with chores, homework or class assignments, they worry about whether they can perform necessary tasks. They aren’t sure that they’ve got what it takes to do what is being asked of them. They are concerned about possible failure and want to avoid any embarrassment. If your child struggles with organization and prioritizing, then they don’t know where to begin and how to maintain perspective which makes things worse. Finn, age 16, tells me “ It’s hard to let go of the little stuff because everything is important.” This is where perfectionism procrastination kicks in. Kids with ADHD can be so immobilized by their worry about messing up that they don’t get started. They tell themselves “If I can’t get this just right, why bother?” They attempt to limit future mistakes and reduce potential shame by putting things off. This concern about humiliation, combined with low self-confidence about their capability, lie underneath perfectionism procrastination in neurodiverse kids.
Reframing goals and expectations for kids with perfectionism and ADHD
Reframing the goals and how to proceed on meeting them reduces perfectionism. The first step is to keep things simple. When you break tasks down into smaller, do-able parts, kids are more likely to make efforts and keep trying--even if things aren’t exactly right. The stakes are lower for kids with perfectionism and ADHD because things are smaller. Therefore, “mistakes” have less consequence or value. When they work on these tasks and complete them--imperfect but finished--they start to overcome perfectionism. When kids can accept that something is good enough, they start to build a standard to apply to bigger items. Of course, determining what is good enough comes from a collaborative conversation that might also include the school to set appropriate ideals. When they attempt and then complete these easier goals, they are learning the skills to accept the reality of imperfection that all of us deal with. There is a difference between accountability (owning and accepting what you do with honesty and calm) and perfectionism (needing everything to be a certain way and judging yourself negatively when it’s not).
Together, set up a goal roadmap with your son or daughter.
A goal roadmap lays out the trail of where you want to go and how to get there. Most children and teens with ADHD cannot do this themselves. They need you (or a coach, therapist or learning support person) to assist with mapping out the territory: what needs to be done when, what’s acceptable in terms of quality and quantity, what is most important and what is less relevant. Then you outline the manageable steps along the way.
Focus on the process of living and learning.
People are supposed to make errors, regroup and try again. You can’t say enough to your child with perfectionism and ADHD. This is how learning occurs in the human brain. It fosters that essential growth mindset: one where they try things and derive value from efforting as much or more than outcome. We want to aid neurodiverse kids in accepting themselves as normal because they are perfectly imperfect, with strengths and challenges - just like the rest of us. 
Read more blog posts:
- 6 Helpful Tips for Dealing with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
- Raising teens with ADHD: Redefining what 'success' means
- Negative Memory Bias and ADHD: Tips to Help Kids and Youth with ADHD Remember the Positives
Learn more from Dr. Saline's interviews & more:
- Perfectionism, Shoulds & Adult ADHD (ADHD Support Talk Radio interview with Dr. Saline)
- How Does ADHD Relate to Perfectionism, Anxiety & Procrastination? (ADDitude Mag ADHD Parenting Q&A w/ Dr. Saline)
Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/shame/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
ADDitude Mag: “My Gifted Teen Has ADHD — and So. Much. Frustration.”
Narbis: The COVID-19 Pandemic and the Uptick in ADHD Diagnoses
ADHD Talk Radio - Shame: the Kryptonite for ADHD Motivation
Overcoming 3 Common ADHD Parenting Struggles during COVID
Many families living with ADHD feel bogged down right now. As the COVID winter drags on, remote/hybrid learning combined with parents’ professional responsibilities are beyond tiresome. Families are arguing more than they would like as everybody’s fed up and kids are often pushing back. Although we can see a light at the end of this long pandemic tunnel, we’re not there yet. What can you do today to ease the tension in your life and improve connections with your child or teen? Improving cooperation at home means starting with listening and observing what your kids are saying and showing you with their words and behaviors. Most kids with ADHD are well beyond their coping comfort zone. They’ve stretched and adapted to this year of online school, social distancing and peer isolation as much as they can. They’ve relied on screens for their education, their play and their socializing. Many are regressing in terms of self-reliant living skills and they are depending on you in ways they haven’t in a long time. They may well be acting out towards you because they can’t contain their anger, anxiety or frustration any longer. You are their safe harbor. It’s so tough not to react in these explosive moments but self-Control and Compassion are what’s called for. As long as you import whatever negativity they are exporting and react strongly, your upset becomes their focus. They’ve succeeded in getting rid of their unmanageable emotions and can blame you for being unreasonable instead. But this isn’t a healthy solution. Instead, manage yourself with whatever tools you can (breathing, using the bathroom, drinking some water) and use reflective listening to mirror what you hear them saying. Make sure you set ground rules with logical consequences (not punishments) for physical behaviors such as kicking, hitting or breaking things or using inappropriate language. Tell them, if you do X, you will not earn Y. Limits help kids understand that their choices affect others. Once you are steadier, you can address your family’s current challenges. I’m hearing about three main themes from people: stress, negativity and boredom that lie at the core of many difficulties. Let’s look at each of them.
Stress:
Whether it’s food, job or housing insecurity, pressure from work or school demands, everybody has a shorter fuse these days. Some of the tension comes from having unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our children based on how people performed previously. Many kids with and without ADHD have lost some of their coping skills. You can assist them by adjusting your expectations to the reality of the present situation. Whatever children and teens were able to accomplish in pre-COVID school and life may be very different from what they can do now. If your child or teen is really struggling to attend classes and do the work, arrange a meeting with the school right away and talk about what types of support and alternative learning options are available. At home, have a family meeting about chores that includes when to do them and any supervision your child may need. Link their “have-to” tasks to their “want-to” activities and have them earn bonus screen time, family games or picking the take-out menu. Shift the bar and re-establish the bare minimum. You can always raise it again when the pandemic is over.
Negativity:
All of us continue to live with more worry and frustration than we are accustomed to. Kids feel confused, sometimes despairing, about what they’ve been missing and many have lost hope about the future. It’s difficult for ADHD brains, with their NOW/NOT NOW thinking, to see a better time ahead when the present feels miserable. We’re seeing higher levels of anxiety as ‘what if’ thoughts circulate in kids’ heads and they expect and exaggerate negative outcomes. With higher levels of anxiety, isolation and anger, we’re also observing more depression, particularly in teens, as they have moved on from disappointment to loss of hope or a sense of meaninglessness about their lives. Much as you would like to, it’s impossible to snap your fingers and make everything better. But you can help them shift their perspective. Instead of focusing on what’s not working, on their powerlessness to change things and in their isolation, you can work with them on controlling what they can. Forget about the ‘I should’s” and focus on what they actually CAN do. Talk about resilience fatigue, discuss what coping looks like and start a tradition of naming a high and low (or as one of my clients calls it ‘a happy and a crappy’) at dinner. You want to make small shifts from what isn’t working to paying attention to what is. 
Boredom:
We’ve all got this. Instead of aiming for happiness based on previous levels of activity, aim for satisfaction. Routines that foster predictability and organization are so important for kids, especially those with ADHD. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t shake things up a bit. Together, brainstorm a list of zany things to do:
- have breakfast for dinner once a week;
- make popcorn and have a mandatory family movie night;
- visit a local place you’ve never been and have wanted to check out;
- return to a favorite ice cream parlor that’s a car drive or bus ride away;
- host a short zoom dance party in your living room and let each family member pick a song;
- have an ongoing card game or puzzle.
Ask your friends for ideas of things they’ve been doing to break up the monotony. Make the effort to leave the house a few times a week, if not daily. Go outside to parks, trails or walking paths you’ve not visited before. Exercise with your kids so you all get moving. The fresh air, sunlight and nature will lift all of your spirits. 
Learn more:
Psychology Today - ADHD Time Warp: How to Stop Being Late, Frustrated, and Overwhelmed
Divorce and the ADHD Family: 3 Essential Tips for Better Co-Parenting
Divorce is so complicated. It can be tough on both kids and parents. For kids with ADHD who already struggle with organization, time management and transitions, going from one home to another can be disconcerting. They need their parent to establish and maintain consistency between the homes, whether that's two sets of favorite toys or assistance packing their stuff. The most important thing for predicting a positive outcome for these children and teens is how well the divorcing parents can place their kids’ well-being over their own discord. This means that, despite whatever animosity or distance has led to the divorce, both adults consider what serves their youngsters in terms of their lives not just what works best for the parents. To that end, here are 3 suggestions.
Take the long view on adaptation:
Think about what will help your child or teen adjust to the new family arrangement. Getting used to different homes and shifting structure takes time and can be uncomfortable. Go slowly to help kids adjust to the massive changes in their lives. Be patient and expect pushback in terms of anger, anxiety or withdrawal. Instead of judging them or getting frustrated, acknowledge current challenges by saying something like “Of course you are struggling, we all are. That’s normal in this situation.”
Create consistency:
Separate homes shouldn’t mean separate rules, responsibilities and routines. The more consistency there can be between thetwo homes, the better it is for the kids. Of course, you and your ex don’t have to do everything in the exact same way and you probably won’t. That’s one reason you’re not together. But be on the same page about the big stuff such as screen allowances, academic responsibilities and logical consequences for inappropriate behaviors.
Manage negativity towards the other parent:
This might be the toughest task but bad-talking the other parent to your child only creates unnecessary anger and resentment ultimately towards YOU. No child wants to be caught in the middle of any battles between their parents. Do your best to find someone else to complain to: a therapist, coach, good friend, sibling, cousin--anybody. You want to be able to show your child that you can support and celebrate them as a family at sporting events, graduations, performances, etc. in their lives. Take a deep breath--you've got this!
Learn more:
Teens, ADHD and Procrastination
Many teens with ADHD procrastinate and appear to lack self-discipline. Why? Sometimes they have anxiety around how to approach the task, how to complete the task or possible outcomes of failure or rejection. Sometimes they have perfectionistic tendencies that require energy and focus and can delay them wanting to start a task. On the other hand, they may struggle with motivation and/or confidence because they have either given up on themselves or have received messages that the adults in their lives have given up on them. Other times, they can't come up with any solutions to help them feel motivated for self-discipline. So how do you know what's really going on with your teen's ADHD and procrastination, and how can you support them? Let's dive in.
Teens with ADHD: Independent?
Teens with ADHD can push back extra hard because they have heard countless times over the years about what they don't do right. Argh! It takes courage each day to go to school. They often don't feel successful academically and, even if they are, they are still immersed in challenges.
Teens with ADHD tend to want to do most things themselves. They want autonomy and to put parents on an "as needed" basis. They're learning more about themselves and are interested in leaning more into their social groups and communities. Yet, they still rely on parents for safety, security and support. Striving for connected independence often works best.
Ask. Collaborate
In this discussion on ADHD and procrastination, I want to highlight the 3rd of my 5 C's of ADHD Parenting.- Collaboration
Collaboration: Work together with your child and co-parent (if you have one) to find solutions to daily challenges instead of imposing your rules on them.
It can be hard, sometimes really hard, not demanding, "What's wrong with you? Why can't you finish a simple worksheet!" These reactions are hurtful and are often based in exhaustion, when our proverbial cups are less than half full. Take time, when you both are feeling calm and ready to talk, to connect with your teen instead, and listen to what they have to say about their thoughts, feelings and experiences.
Ask, as an Unbiased Researcher
"What's happening so that you can't do X, Y, Z?"
Now we can look at data and address changes that can help motivate our teen AND help change their inner dialogue.
Understand Shame
What is the leading cause of wanting to do everything themselves? Shame.
"I was embarrassed that I had a disability. I didn't want to be seen as someone who needed extra help."
"Let me do it myself. I don't like people seeing me as weak."
You may not see shame. Instead, you might feel their anger, see their tears, or hear yelling about something unrelated.
Procrastination and Initiation
What it the biggest reason teens with ADHD struggle with procrastination? They often have trouble getting started. What may seem easy to us, may seem enormous to people with ADHD. They can be masters of avoidance. "Why start it if I can't ......?"
Initiation has to do with the size of the task, their interest in the task (dopamine reward), and the level of difficulty for the task. Breaks make a daunting project seem more manageable.
Start Small
Executive functioning challenges that often accompany ADHD and impact procrastination include struggles with initiation, planning and time management. Breaking down assignments into chunks makes tasks seem much more manageable -- making them easier to approach and get started. This also helps teens plan out the steps into a series of smaller tasks.
Before starting, prepare for how long they can realistically focus. For instance, ask, "How many examples can you do before you want to throw your book across the room?" Then, they might say, "Five." Start with the number they say, and then take a break.
Jot down the tasks and notes so you can keep track and not worry about remembering any or all of the steps. Write down how long tasks are expected to take, and reflect on how long they actually took. I highly recommend creating your own personal project planner so you can organize your tasks in a creative, visual structure that works for you.
3 Ways to Make Tasks Seem Smaller:
1. Use a timer.
This method makes the task of completing an assignment in that clocks hands, not the parents. "Cool. Okay, let's work for 5 minutes and then take a 3 minute break. I will set the timer for the break. When it goes off, you can do 5 more. When you completed an hour, you can have a longer break."
2. Make lists.
Teens with ADHD and procrastination challenges often have trouble planning what to do -- and when. Sit down and ask, "Do you want to do the hardest first, then medium-difficulty, and then easiest? Or easiest first for a sense of success, and then harder, and medium last?" This works well for homework, chores, etc.
3. Make tasks fun!
Listen to music. (Their preferred music is best!) Tell jokes or stories of fun memories. Time yourselves for how fast you can pick up portions of the room, and make a game of it!
Read more blog posts:
- Parenting Older Teens with ADHD: Land the Helicopter and Focus on Scaffolding
- Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
- Want better conversations with your child or teen with ADHD? Use the WAIT-Now Method
Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
ADHD and Defiance during COVID: What can you do instead of yelling?
There are so many facets to kids with ADHD. Yes, they are creative, passionate, energetic and smart. Yes, they can also be distractible, impulsive, intense and strong-willed. And yes, COVID is making things that were previously challenging harder in many ways and also adding new hurdles. Because of this new stress, your child or teen might be more angry or pushing back at you more often. These situations, impacted by ADHD and defiance, deteriorate quickly. With all of the frustration, disappointment and isolation children and teens are feeling these days, it’s even harder to self-regulate. Your child may fly off the handle, disrespect you verbally or refuse to listen to what you have to say. What are your options in these volatile times, other than yelling, taking things away or banishing them from your sight? How can you maintain stability in your parent-child relationship and in your home?
Kids don't like emotional explosions, either.
Nobody really likes meltdowns, explosions and arguments, regardless how defensive or nonchalant your child or teen may seem. Kids with ADHD have told
me repeatedly that they feel bad about themselves after these outbursts and many parents also regret what they’ve said or done. But, in moments of high emotion, people naturally stop listening and quickly move into fight-flight-or-freeze mode. In this state, whether or not your struggle with ADHD and defiance, you’re not listening. Instead, you’re reacting, and rationality has flown out of the window.
Expect challenges with ADHD and defiant behavior so you're prepared to manage them.
Instead of being surprised every time there’s defiance, explosive anger or disrespectful behavior, it’s more useful to expect that these will occur and rely on a strategy for when they do. It’s the resistance and the combativeness that wears families down.
Implement PAUSE to better manage ADHD and defiance at home.
PAUSE: Plan to Accept Understand Set Limits and Encourage
My PAUSE program lays the foundation for making different choices and fostering stability at home. Here’s how it works:
PLAN:
You’ve got to focus on making a plan to cope with the pattern of anger for yourself and your child rather than deal with its changing content. Otherwise, you’ll be playing Whack A Mole nonstop.
In a quiet moment, make a list of what you can easily do to stay grounded. If you are feeling dysregulated, you won’t be able to respond effectively and help your youngster calm down.
Whether it’s going to the bathroom to collect yourself for a few minutes, getting a glass of water or opening a window, break up the action in a non-threatening way. This re-centering needs to be your first, reflexive step to slow down the fast-paced action.
Once you’ve clarified this for yourself, sit with your child and ask them what helps them regroup. Then, ask them how much time they need for this. Write down their options, and post the list in their room or in the kitchen.
ACCEPT:
Stop trying to convince your child or teen of anything. Rather, accept where you both are in a given moment. Remember, they stopped listening the moment that they became activated. What they want is to be seen and heard by you.
Acknowledge what they are saying with reflective listening. “I heard you say this, is that right?” When they feel that you are paying attention, instead of correcting them for cursing at you or justifying why you called the school about their F in English, they will start to settle. It may be tense and uncomfortable, but you can do this. You’ve probably handled a lot of other unpleasant situations impacted by ADHD and defiance before.
UNDERSTAND:
As tough as it can be, empathy is what’s called for when kids, especially those with ADHD, are distressed. Their feelings have overwhelmed their thinking brains. In addition, their weaker executive functioning skills simply cannot manage their heightened emotions. They are acting out because they lack the resources to do anything different in those moments. Neurodivergent kids need caring adults to dig deep and find some compassion rather than exploding about how they should get their act together.
When a child is resistant, oppositional or intransigent, many parents feel desperate to regain authority and establish stability by taking things away from their kids. While punishments may offer short-term relief, they don’t bring long-term success. Avoid saying things like, “I’m taking away your phone for 3 days. You can’t talk to me that way.” Turn it around and say, “You have not earned the privilege of using your phone with that language. When you can go for 3 days without cursing, you’ll get it back. That’s the agreement we have.” Relying on appropriate incentives is what shifts negativity to cooperation.
SET LIMITS:
Our goal is teaching kids with ADHD the executive functioning skills they need for self-regulation, socializing and productivity. It’s a natural part of living to become angry, to want to get your own way and to avoid disappointment. But it’s not okay to be aggressive about these. What we want is our kids to be motivated to make other choices.
Punishment doesn’t teach any lasting skills and rules with fear. Logical consequences, on the other hand, allow you to set limits and use meaningful incentives as motivators. Place “have-to’s” before “want-to’s.” The trick is staying steady in the face of your child or teen’s displeasure and following through. Limits are meaningless if they are not consistently followed. In a family meeting or a quiet moment, make collaborative agreements about actions and words that are unwelcome.
ENCOURAGE:
Once the storm has passed, focus on the present moment. What needs to happen NOW to move beyond its wreckage? You may want to address your underlying concerns and let them know how they have messed up. But will this serve them to learn the skills they need and strengthen your relationship? This is not a time to teach any lessons. The situation is still too raw for your child or teen, and such a conversation may trigger the outburst all over again.
They need encouragement rather than blame at this moment. Talk about the next move to get on with things. Then, later that day or some time tomorrow, casually wonder about the take-aways from what happened. Was there anything each of you regret? How would you like to deal with that type of behavior in the future? This opens conversation, explores options and fosters collaborative engagement.
Managing ADHD and defiance will take time and patience.
Be patient with yourself and your family as you transition to this model. Everybody has a shorter fuse right now, so it may take longer to get this going. That’s okay. It’s one step at a time!
Read more blog posts:
- ADHD and Negativity: Why ADHD kids and teens say "No" and how to help them communicate
- ADHD and Anger in the Family: Manage Outbursts with STOP-THINK-ACT
- Beyond ADHD Pandemic Burnout: How to Help Your Family Regroup and Find Strength
Watch on YouTube:
- ADHD and Oppositional Defiance (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- Anger Management with ADHD (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)
https://drsharonsaline.com/product/apologies/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/whats-up-with-all-this-anger/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Beyond ADHD Pandemic Burnout: How to help your family regroup and find strength
If you are tired of hearing about how you and your family need to bounce back again as 2021 (and 2022) perpetuates the same problems as 2020, you are not alone. One mother of a fifteen year-old boy with ADHD and dyslexia who hates virtual school and is barely passing his courses told me she is “sick and tired of hearing about resilience. I’m drained and he’s depressed. That’s our reality.” She’s experiencing pandemic burnout and is flooded with resilience fatigue: exhaustion from facing daily challenges with resourcefulness and strength that’s just not there. Sound familiar?
The myth about resilience
Resilience is the ability to rebound from difficulties. There’s a myth that resilience is about your character. It actually has as much, if not more, to do with your socioeconomic status, religious and ethnic background. Numerous obstacles such as financial stress, unemployment, bigotry and systemic racism demand resources beyond ‘resilience.’ Similarly, children and adults living with ADHD, persistent mental health issues or physical or learning disabilities struggle daily with challenges that demand effective coping strategies. When we offer platitudes about “digging deep” and “finding your resilience,” we may inadvertently dismiss the validity of these struggles.
Resilience fatigue: the pandemic burnout is real
Resilience fatigue comes from being depleted mentally, physically and emotionally. It is REAL and particularly now. You, your neurodiverse kids, your extended family and our global community have been stressed and stretched by the pandemic beyond our capacities for months. COVID restrictions, indoor living and social isolation have worn us all down. It’s hard to envision bouncing back to something that we can’t see. Where is the light at the end of this tunnel anyway? For kids with ADHD who live with NOW/NOT NOW brains, seeing the future and focusing on what’s coming next is already tough. If the NOW is unpleasant (whether that’s another day of virtual school, reading Hamlet or cleaning the cat’s litter box), it doesn’t matter how great whatever is happening later may be. There’s just not enough dopamine in their brains to sustain interest and action to get through the unbearable present. Instructing them to buckle up and ride this pandemic out for a distant tomorrow seems really impossible when they're wiped out. 
As parents, your tank is likely on ‘empty’ too. Sadly, it seems like many parents I talk to feel ashamed of their depletion. You go on social media and see how other mothers or fathers manage to be productive, create and maintain activities for their kids, stay fit and prepare gorgeous meals. But, you can’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides. Whatever people are posting is what they want you to believe. Underneath their smiles lie similar struggles to your own.
How to cope with resilience fatigue and pandemic burnout
The antidote to resilience fatigue is compassion--for yourself and for your kids. When people feel resilience fatigue, they’re not only exhausted but they are judging themselves for what they aren’t doing. This is especially true for neurodivergent kids with ADHD, LD or ASD who find virtual school difficult and aren’t doing well. Their current challenges reinforce whatever negative self-talk they already engage in. So, we’ve got to pivot to paying more attention to what is going well enough, adjusting expectations to meet the reality of pandemic life and reducing negative expectations for failure. Follow these steps to regroup and rekindle the spark of strength that you all possess:
1. Start with acknowledging how you feel:
Stop judging yourself and your kids for being the way you are. Resist comparisons with other families and students. When you accept how you and your kids are actually doing--the good, the bad and the ugly, you move from the draining, self-defeating statements of ‘I should’ and live with the soothing balm of refueling statements of ‘I can.’ Coping with resilience fatigue starts with acceptance. Ask your son or daughter with ADHD what is one ‘should’ they tell themselves? How can you work together to transform this statement into a ‘can’?
2. Change ideas about personal failure:
Resilience fatigue in the midst of this pandemic has very little to individual limitations and everything to do with how the government and health care system let us down. This burnout is a natural process related to the grief, hopelessness and helplessness we all have felt at some time during this past traumatic year. Cut yourself some slack and revamp your expectations for your neurodiverse kids and your family. At your weekly family meeting or during dinner, ask everyone to share one hope for themselves in the coming week. Explore what type of support they may need to bring it to fruition. Then, next week, check in about this and identify another hope. By talking about hopes instead of expectations, there’s a greater chance of a small success. Hope can shift pessimism to positivity.
3. Focus on contentment, not happiness:
Where happiness is fleeting, contentment reflects ongoing satisfaction. We can’t snap our fingers and erase the COVID world, but we can create a few rituals that make us smile. Have breakfast for dinner once a week. Make popcorn and have a mandatory family movie night. Visit a local place you’ve never been or one that you really love. Host a short zoom dance party in your living room and let each family member pick a song. Ask your friends for ideas of things they’ve been doing to break up the monotony.
4. Go backwards to go forwards:
Look back as a family on what has helped you thus far get through the pandemic. Help your kids be as specific as possible. They may need some nudging as recalling positive stuff is tough for many folks, particularly those with ADHD. Write down each idea on a large piece of paper and put it in the kitchen or tv room for everyone to see. When you examine what tools fostered previous resilience, you’ll see the drops of water needed to refill your dry well right in front of you. Pick one to practice for a week, otherwise it might overwhelm you and be self-defeating. One of my favorite mentors says: “When you get to the end of your rope, make a knot and hold on.” Holding on, resting there, resetting and regrouping will help your family cope with resilience fatigue. These practices will help rebuild your collective and personal strengths, too. 
Read more blog posts:
- 5 Self-Care Ideas: Parenting ADHD in a Pandemic
- Managing Uncertainty With Your Family During COVID-19: More than deep breathing
- Post-Pandemic Self-Care for Parents: 12 Tips for Wellness Practices in a New Normal
Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/online-learning-tips-for-parents-bundle/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
How to Transform Anxiety in Kids with ADHD to Excitement
Do you ever notice how your heart races in similar ways when you’re anxious and when you’re excited? The energy courses through your body and brain, and you feel a type of exhilaration. Of course, it’s more negative for anxiety and more positive for excitement. In both cases, however, our adrenaline is activated because anxiety and excitement really are like two sides of the same coin. Managing both types of these intense, overwhelming reactions is especially taxing for kids with ADHD due to their challenges with impulse control and emotional regulation. How can you help transform anxiety in kids with ADHD into eager anticipation?
The human brain is wired for negative expectancy.
Negative expectancy has helped us survive for centuries, whether it’s avoiding tigers in the jungle or mastering the art of riding a bicycle. We make mistakes or encounter challenges and learn to adapt, accommodate and overcome. This ability to persist and bounce back is the antidote to anxiety and the foundation of excitement. Anxiety weakens confidence and courage by feeding doubt. Kids don’t believe that things will work out. Based on previous struggles, they expect the worst.
Excitement reflects optimism--hope that something good is going to happen.
Kids are excited for things they look forward to, believe they will enjoy or think they can accomplish. Nervousness can be a precursor to excitement: once a child or teen has learned the skill associated with a new task or situation, they shift from insecurity to anticipation.
With a history of impulsive or distracted behaviors, school difficulties and social challenges, many of your sons and daughters are afraid to hold a positive outlook when faced with something unexpected or different. They’re insecure that they possess the coping skills to successfully meet the novel demands they encounter. They need you to remind them of previous situations when they took a chance, stuck with something hard and succeeded. Working memory challenges for the ADHD brain make this recall particularly difficult in the face of strong negative emotions.
While many fears justify anxiety in kids with ADHD, others may not.
Sometimes it’s a simple act of changing the language that we use to describe our experiences that encourages an alternative perspective. This may sound trite, but our narratives really frame our actions and outlooks. We want to help kids with ADHD shift away from anxiety that globalizes fear and uncertainty. Instead, we want to move them towards a framework of improving inadequate skills. This fosters a growth mindset and helps them pivot towards excitement.
Help kids with ADHD identify feelings of anxiety
What would it be like to assist your child in noticing the energy they are feeling when they feel nervous or worried? Observe what you see happening with neutral statements like “I see that your voice is getting louder and your face is flushed. Tell me about your concerns.” In addition, ask them about the flip side of the anxiety: “What would it be like if you were excited instead of afraid? What is something you could do differently or what other options can we discuss that might make this situation turn out better than expected?” Every small win, every small shift to a positive perception, is a success.
As we embrace 2021, following a year of many challenges and much anxiety, I encourage you to commit your family to take a small step towards a new perspective. When someone expresses worry about something where a pivot is possible, investigate the energy, name it and see what happens. Standing at this crossroads, travel down the path of excitement for an alternative.
Read more blog posts:
- Return to School with ADHD: Tips on Helping Anxious Kids Transition Smoothly
- 6 Helpful Tips for Dealing with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
- Raising teens with ADHD: Redefining what ‘success’ means
https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Psychology Today: ADHD and Focus: How to improve flow and attention in a distracted 2021 COVID world
ADHD in the New Year: Grow Something Good
Let’s face it, New Year’s resolutions rarely work. We all set well-intentioned goals about what we can do differently that rarely come to fruition. This year, I’d like to encourage you and your family to try something different. Instead of choosing something that isn’t going well, what would happen if you nurture one thing that makes you happy, that you are already making progress on? My guess is that you and your child or teen with ADHD would feel more competent and confident. Kids with ADHD have really struggled this year. As alternative learners who generally do better when school is in person, they’ve had to make tough adjustments to accommodate online learning during the pandemic. They’ve lost valuable daily social contact that brings them joy, helps with self-esteem and offers cues for how to behave in classes. 
There’s been so much disappointment across the board. For many children and teens with ADHD who already experience more negative self-talk than Neurotypical peers, pandemic challenges have intensified patterns of self-criticism. Working with them to alter these patterns by focusing on Celebration (the 5th of my 5C’s) is the best New Year’s resolution you can make. How can you shift from things that aren’t going well, from anger about the pandemic and social isolation to something brighter? By paying attention to and acknowledging the small successes of every day. I’m not talking about being a pollyanna: I’m talking about the act of acknowledging big and small positive stuff throughout each day of the week. This means validating efforts as well as successes in ways that encourage your son or daughter to see the progress they are making, to notice what’s working and to continue with desired actions. 
When you nourish the seed of an attitude or behavior that is already starting to bud, you are building on success. Given all of the inherent difficulties of 2020, when you shift to enhancing what is beginning to take root, you’re helping your family to move forward positively. Of course, you have to manage inappropriate behaviors, foul language and non-cooperation. That’s a key part of parenting. I’m inviting you to balance what’s difficult with increased attention and feedback about what is actually going well--enough. Kids with ADHD already struggle with feeling like they are not enough or different in a “bad” way. They really need your support to develop the parts of themselves that are appropriate, helpful and positive. 
Instead of making New Year’s resolutions about a host of ongoing problems that just generate shame and failure, let’s cultivate the plants that are already in the garden right now. Your kids with ADHD have already adapted to the best of their abilities given their personal resources to online learning, socially distant friendships and extended time at home. For now, let’s honor those successes before moving onto what needs improvement. There will be plenty of time for that soon enough. Fertilize, water and nurture desired behaviors as much or more than giving corrective statements.
Grow Something Good in the New Year:
1. Reflect:
Take a few moments and think about what ways your child has matured in 2020 and how your parenting has shifted. What are they able to manage more effectively and independently than they could a year ago? What are you doing differently? Write these down. Then, set aside a time (perhaps during your weekly family meeting) to ask your child or teen to consider their own growth. Repeat what you hear them say and then write these down too.
2. Investigate:
Ask your child which of these skills or actions they feel particularly proud of and want to see continue. Is there anything you can do to support them in their efforts to keep this good stuff going? Are there any tweaks to family agreements that would be useful? Brainstorm any new interventions and pick ONE step to move forward.
3. Notice:
Use encouraging statements that reflect your observations about how they are doing. “I notice X. That’s good progress.” OR “I see that you are trying this. That’s cool.” OR “It looks like you’ve done a great job. Bravo! Here’s a high five!” Remember, getting through every day can be an achievement and let’s honor that fortitude. 
Best wishes for a happy and healthy new year!
Learn more:
- Negative Memory Bias and ADHD: Tips to Help Kids and Youth with ADHD Remember the Positives
- ADHD And Motivation: How Stress Reduces Productivity And What You Can Do About It
- ADHD and 2020: How to Pivot to Positivity as an Uncertain Year Ends
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