Dear Dr. Sharon: “How can I stop falling into the same patterns of holiday stress and conflict every year?”
Struggling with family conflict during the holidays? Learn how ADHD rejection sensitivity and emotional dysregulation impact relationships — and discover Dr. Sharon’s expert tips to manage stress, set boundaries, and create more peace and connection this season.
Dear Dr. Sharon,
Every year, I tell myself this holiday season will be different — calmer, easier and actually enjoyable. And then… boom–family stress hits. Between travel issues, last-minute plans and work commitments, my ADHD brain can’t juggle everything. Then I’m overwhelmed and emotionally drained.
I love my family, but being around them can be too much. My sister’s “helpful” comments cut deeper than she intends. My ADHD makes me forget things, talk too fast, or seem distracted, which leads to other criticism. I end up so tense that I shut down or get defensive.
How can I stop falling into the same emotional traps and conflicts every year? I want to actually enjoy the holidays without feeling like I’m the problem.
Sincerely,
Sasha, Ohio
Dear Sasha,
You’ve described what so many people with ADHD face during the holidays — that messy blend of love, guilt, and frustration that seems to sneak in between the pumpkin pie and the gift exchanges. The holidays tend to amplify everything: noise, expectations, travel stress, and old patterns that seem to resurface no matter how much we’ve grown. When you add in the daily emotional intensity and organizational challenges of living with ADHD, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed and then shut down as a coping mechanism.
So what is really going on? Research shows that about 60% of adults with ADHD report intense emotional reactions and difficulty managing stress in family situations. This happens because ADHD doesn’t just affect focus — it also shapes how your brain processes emotion. When something feels critical or disappointing, your nervous system reacts faster and with more intensity than you might want it to.
And when rejection sensitivity is in the mix — that sharp feeling of being judged or misunderstood which floods your system with fear of exclusion— even small, off-handed comments can hit hard. You might withdraw, lash out, or replay the moment in your head for hours or days afterward. These behaviors show that your brain is processing emotional information and yes, hurt, in its unique way.
When Emotional Dysregulation Meets Family Dynamics
This holiday season, you might be dealing with:
Unpredictability: Last-minute plan changes can throw off your rhythm.
Sensory overload: Noise, lights, and nonstop conversation can leave you overstimulated.
Unspoken expectations: Family members may still see you as your “old self” instead of who you are now and/or be clueless about what it means to live with ADHD.
Neuroscience research shows that the amygdala — the brain’s emotional alarm center — tends to activate more quickly and intensely in people with ADHD, while the prefrontal cortex (the seat of executive functioning skills that helps you pause and think before reacting) lags a little behind. So when your uncle talks about your “chronic unemployment as an artist,” your emotional brain lights up and you react with anger before your reasoning brain can catch up. Because the ADHD brain runs on dopamine — chasing novelty, interest, and connection — large family gatherings can feel both stimulating and overwhelming. The same wiring that fuels creativity and enthusiasm can also leave you overstretched.
We know that ADHD affects more than focus, motivation and organization. It also impacts emotional control due to working memory challenges.When you live with ADHD, it’s natural to struggle with all of these executive functioning skilsl–often simultaneously. This is where self-awareness and metacognition come in. If you can identify the emotions associated with a task, person or situation, you’ll have a better chance at regulating yourself and responding better. The trick is creating a plan in advance (e.g. not sitting next to your uncle at the table), deciding what to do when somebody hurts your feelings (e.g. going to the bathroom or saying “Excuse me, I want to help in the kitchen”) and naming an ally to assist you with navigating those tough spots (e.g. contacting a sibling, cousin or friend in tough moments). When you pre-game social situations, you know that you have tools to use instead of improvising along the way.
Five Ways to Break the Cycle of the Same Old, Same Olds
1. Prepare Your Nervous System
The holidays demand more of your brain and body than you realize. Rest, nutrition, and movement are your foundation. In the week leading up to family gatherings, make sure you’re sleeping enough, eating regularly, and carving out quiet time.
Even five minutes of slow breathing can help lower your stress response — research from Harvard shows that mindful breathing can reduce amygdala activation and stress hormones by up to 20% .
Think of it as training your emotional muscles before the big event. The calmer you start, the easier it is to stay that way when things get bumpy.
2. Plan for Emotional Triggers
According to a 2022 CHADD survey, 71% of adults with ADHD reported higher stress during the holidays than during other times of the year. Emotional dysregulation — those challenges of calming down after being triggered — can make you feel stuck in a loop of reactivity.
You probably already know the moments that set you off — the comments, questions, or dynamics that make you want to scream into a napkin. Anticipate them.
Try coming up with short, neutral phrases ahead of time. For example:
“I know you mean well, but I’m okay handling it my way.”
“Let’s talk about something else — how’s work going?”
“I need a quick break, I’ll be right back.”
It might sound small, but pre-loading your language gives your brain a lifeline in the moment. They don’t make the feeling go away, but they slow things down just enough to keep your thinking brain involved.
3. Take a temporary break from social media
While you are making a feast out of Thanksgiving dinner, you should take a fast from social media – ideally as much as a week ahead of the celebration. Studies have shown a week-long break from social media will likely help with your overall sense of well-being. To help you maintain your break, turn off any notifications or delete the apps entirely. If you're feeling anxious or apprehensive about your Thanksgiving dinner, the break will also help you avoid a barrage of posts that may make you feel less comfortable, less proud, or less excited about your family experience.
Taking that space helps quiet the comparison spiral and keeps your attention on what’s real — the people, places, and small moments right in front of you.
4. Create and Communicate Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t barriers or ways of pushing others away. They’re ways to protect your energy so connection stays possible.
Be upfront about what you need to stay balanced. Maybe that’s taking a solo walk after dinner, skipping one event, or asking relatives to avoid certain topics.
You can say it simply: “I love spending time with everyone, but I’ll need a few breaks during the day.” Or, “Please don’t comment on what I’m eating — I’m focusing on enjoying the food and the company.”
A 2023 ADDitude survey found that 68% of adults with ADHD who set explicit boundaries experienced fewer family conflicts and better overall mood during high-stress periods. Boundaries protect your energy - and the holiday season is when you need this most.
5. Choose Connection Over Perfection
Even with all the planning in the world, things will go sideways. That’s okay. When you notice yourself getting reactive, take a breath and reset your goal: connection, not control.
If you lose your cool, own it with honesty. “Hey, I was feeling overwhelmed earlier. I didn’t mean to snap.” Those simple repairs build trust and remind everyone — including you — that relationships are ongoing conversations, not one-time performances.
And remember to give yourself grace - being aware, present, and kind to yourself when you falter will allow for meaningful personal growth in the future.
The Heart of It
Family gatherings have a way of resurfacing old emotions, and ADHD can make those moments feel even more intense. But awareness changes things. When you understand what’s happening inside your brain and body, you gain the power to steer instead of react.
Pay attention to what triggers you. Rest before you’re exhausted. Speak up when you need space. Over time, these small adjustments help the holidays feel a little more your own.
You don’t have to prove your growth or perfection. Just bring your presence — and your humanity — to the table this season.
Warmly,
Dr. Sharon
