Managing Uncertainty With Your Family During COVID-19: More than deep breathing
This new “normal” isn’t anything we’re accustomed to. With school closures, social distancing, working from home, job lay-offs and 24/7 family time, everybody is making huge adjustments to the massive disruption wrought by COVID-19. While we adults struggle to wrap our brains around these changes, it’s even harder for children and teens who may or may not understand why they are home. Managing uncertainty with your family during COVID-19 will likely be a continuous process for quite some time. Take time to get familiar with anxiety-reducing practices, and make a habit of family check-ins so you all can feel the support from one another during this difficult experience. Kids and teens are now separated from friends, family and familiar activities like school, sports, music, drama, etc. They feel ripped off and, frankly, lack a sense of control about their lives. And then there’s the worry. Daily news reports increase our anxiety. We’re concerned for our loved ones while simultaneously feeling helpless to protect them and ourselves. Many of us are living more anxiety than we are accustomed to and it’s not a particularly pretty picture. And yet, human beings have built-in hope and fortitude. We have all been through challenging times in our lives (perhaps not to this extent) and survived. I’m convinced we will survive this too--although the timeline may take longer than any of us anticipated. How can we apply our resilience from the past struggles to help us in this moment? How can we assist our family in managing their uncertainty along with their disappointment, frustration and loneliness?
Getting to the root of anxiety, and how best to approach it.
Anxiety comes from wanting safety and security and being unsure that they will occur. It wants to make uncomfortable feelings go away and, right now, that’s not really possible. When it comes to managing uncertainty with your family, you don’t want to dismiss your children’s anxiety. Instead, you want to respond to it in ways that are healthy, while managing your own worries, too.
Avoiding anxiety, or pushing it aside, only makes it stronger. Attempting to resolve each worry is like playing a game of Whack-a-mole: once one worry is gone, another will pop up in its place. Instead, this is the time to take a step back and examine how your child’s anxiety operates by focusing on the way it works—the process and not the content.
Managing uncertainty and anxiety with your family by using the 3 R’s:
Reflect, Recognize & Reset.
Instead of minimizing your kids’ feelings, or trying to get rid of them by saying things like, “Don’t worry, we’ll be fine” or, “You can still talk to your friends on social media,” acknowledge how they are feeling. Offer them tools to tolerate the discomfort of their emotions.
Offer these words instead: “Of course you’re disappointed and angry that graduation may be cancelled. It’s terribly sad.” Or, “Of course you’re missing your friends and hanging out. It’s lonely not seeing them in person.”
You are listening compassionately and reflecting back what you hear. Since you can’t make this situation go away, you acknowledge its reality and how your son or daughter is affected by it. You validate their issues and recognize any patterns.
Then, you figure out together what is the next right thing to do to move forward. This is a collaborative process based on brainstorming and, if the well runs dry, a few suggestions based on their interests. You help them reset in a moment when they’re lost or overwhelmed or frustrated.
Building resiliency: The other crucial piece to dealing successfully with uncertainty.
Anxiety is very skilled at causing amnesia about memories of past successes—times when your child or teens faced a fear and overcame the obstacle. To build confidence in the ability to tackle and survive tough times, and the unknown, kids need reminders of their previous achievements. You’re accessing and fostering their inner resilience as you recall together those moments when you’ve seen them recover from obstacles. Write some of these down and post them in the kitchen. Consider doing this for yourself, too.
5 steps for managing uncertainty and anxiety with your family during COVID-19:
When we are worried, we are tense. Kids feel our stress and it increases their own anxiety. Follow these steps to reduce your family’s stress and anxiety.
1. Name the anxiety.
It’s easier to band together to fight the worry monsters that are invading our homes if we identify them. “Oh, there’s Donald Downer, making everyone feel scared again” or, “Here’s Fantasy Fred, imagining the worst.” Consider making a family drawing or writing a funny song about the effect of anxiety in your lives. Enlist your teen’s assistance. Managing uncertainty with your family takes teamwork, and your kids are likely to have some creative ideas and insights, regardless of their protesting.
2. Be honest, without over-sharing.
It’s okay to share a sanitized version of some of your concerns without going into the details. There’s a big difference between, “Yes, I think about Grandma and Grandpa too and wish we could visit them,” and, “I’m so worried about my parents and how they are managing. I don’t want them to get sick and die.”
Be careful about how you discuss your own anxiety within your child’s earshot: little pitchers do have big ears. Try to avoid talking about how much you want an extra glass of wine to soothe your nerves. While that may well be true, you’re also conveying to your kids that self-medicating is a coping tool. That’s not the message we want them to learn.
3. Offer daily kindnesses.
Make a family agreement to do something nice for one person each day. Brainstorm some suggestions together and write these down as reminders. This creates positive plans that are helpful when managing uncertainty with your family. If someone can’t think of anything, you can refer them to the list. Before bed, ask your kids what they did that day or perhaps share these at dinner.
4. Catch them doing something positive.
People are getting on each other’s nerves with each day of confinement. Start a wall of being good. Get some Post-It’s or a large sheet of paper and tape it to a wall. Whenever you catch your kids doing something positive—their schoolwork, chores, playing a game, etc.—write it down. At the end of the week, call a short family meeting and read what’s on it. This turns the attention away from what’s not working to what is.
5. Use bedtime to check in:
Once they’re under the covers, sit or lie down with them for a few moments. Ask them about a highlight of their day—anything. Whether it’s small—"I liked the pancakes this morning” or something bigger—“My teacher liked my essay,” celebrating whatever happiness occurred in the day will shift the negative focus and decrease anxiety. These moments help manage uncertainty with your family by focusing on today. It also counters the fears, disappointments and frustrations by offering a fresh perspective.
While you can’t make uncertainty go away, you can reduce its influence on your family.
Use a daily schedule to bring structure to your days so kids know generally what to expect during their waking hours. Take a daily walk outside and notice your environment: identify new flowers or leaves emerging, pick a color and name things with that hue or count dogs, bicycles, squirrels, etc. This is the time to help your kids learn how to manage their upsets by listening to their concerns, validating what you hear and figuring out together how to move forward.
Read more blog posts:
- How to Transform Anxiety in Kids with ADHD to Excitement
- Negative Memory Bias and ADHD: Tips to Help Kids and Youth with ADHD Remember the Positives
- Beyond ADHD Pandemic Burnout: How to Help Your Family Regroup and Find Strength
https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
ADHD Essentials Podcast: COVID-19 & What to Do When You and Your Kids are Stuck in the House
AttentionTalk Radio: ADHD & COVID-19––Managing Work and Kids at Home
It's a unique time in world and American history. For the first time we're basically putting the world on hold to combat the Coronavirus. Schools are closed and many are having to work from home. This is a challenge for everyone but especially for those who have an ADHD family. In this episode of Attention Talk Radio, ADHD coach Jeff Copper (www.digcoaching.com) interviews Dr. Sharon Saline (www.drsharonsaline.com) around thoughts and insights of how to manage work and kids at home as best you can. There is no perfect solution, but with the right strategies, relief can come. Listen to this interview to manage things and not let them manage you. Click the logo below to listen! 
Set Up Routines Now! Tips for being home with kids with ADHD during COVID-19
Has it been another exhausting day of managing your son or daughter with ADHD at home due to school closures from COVID-19? It's tough to juggle their activities, school work and sibling arguments with your own issues about employment changes and trying to stay calm in the midst of national panic. What can you do to ease the stress and create a home structure that works for everybody?
First, take a deep breath. Think about what type of daily schedule you'd like to see for your family. What's realistic to expect from yourself, your partner (if you have one) and your kids during this time? It's reasonable to expect daily routines that include regular wake-up and bed times, blocks of time allocated for studying, chores, play and chilling out. It's reasonable to expect that screens aren't on 24/7. And it's reasonable to predict that there will be laughter, fun as well as meltdowns and arguments. Once you accept these conditions, it will be easier to create a structure that works for everyone. Start by dividing the day into blocks for studying, doing chores, fun activities and chilling out. Follow these tips to help make your family's plan and then post this in the kitchen. Expect to adjust this along the way.
- Set up formal study periods while you work at the table alongside your kids. Break assignments into do-able chunks and offer incentives for the completion of work. Make sure you include study breaks based on movement, snacks and time outside.
- Assign chores that your kids can do so that everybody is contributing to the household according to their age and ability.
- Set up screen and non-screen activity times. Brainstorm lists for each of these categories with your kids and plan for when they will occur. Give some screen time automatically each day but then leave the rest for your kids to earn through their cooperation.
- Play with your kids: If you give them your attention freely and positively, then they won't need to act up to get it. Spend time outside and exercise together if you can.
- If you are now working from home, use your kids' screen time to your advantage and schedule it for times that will help you.
Take time to answer kids' questions about COVID 19 with facts and honesty. They are scared and confused and need you to clarify what's happening. They seek reassurance that you're taking care of their safety and may want to talk about how to maintain connections to their friends and extended family members. During this strange and frightening time, remember to take care of yourself so you'll be available to take care of others. Reach out to folks for support but edit your phone conversations so you're not discussing distressing content in front of your kids.
Kids and Mental Health Days
Mental health days can be very beneficial to kids for a much-needed break from the stress of school, particularly with kids who have ADHD, learning disabilities or high functioning ASD for whom school can be their hardest area of functioning.
When kids are particularly overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious and fed up with school, a planned day off can be very helpful. These are days for rest, recovery and regrouping. Perhaps some time outside is in order: a walk, hike, or doing something athletic with you. Or maybe it’s a day with you a day in pajamas with limited screen time, playing board games, creating art projects, baking, reading or making music. I’ve worked with a number of kids with ADHD, LD or ASD who needed a break from the social and academic demands every 6-8 weeks. School was emotionally and physically draining for them. For adolescents who face increasing pressure to excel at everything, having a planned day off can be a lifesaver. Other kids benefit from a general agreement that they can have X number of days off per semester and you can choose these on an emergency basis (e.g. “I can’t take it anymore. I need a break”) or with certain dates set in mind. If a child doesn’t seem to rebound after this day and their symptoms of anxiety, sadness, depression or social difficulties persist, then I highly recommend finding a therapist to assist you in figuring out what is going on.
To be honest, I used mental health days with my daughter when she was a teenager. About twice a semester, she would hit a wall: she needed sleep and some down time to get her head back in the game. So, we periodically gave her a “Sick-and-Tired” day off from school. It wasn’t planned but we had agreed as a family in advance that she could have 2 such days per semester. It was a successful collaboration: she felt that she got the mental health day she needed and we saw a positive difference when she returned to school.
ADHD Palooza Video: You Can Do It––Motivation Tips and Tools to Get Stuff Done
Parenting Impossible Podcast EP 38: Understanding Executive Functions in a Child with ADHD
Parenting Impossible Podcast EP 37: The 5 C’s of Being a Parent to a Child with ADHD
Psychology Today: Are You Tired of Losing Things?
22 News Mass Appeal: Tips on how to help your children establish a healthy relationship with technology
Attention Talk Video : ADHD and Self-Observation or Self-Evaluation – Getting Started
Sibling Strife: How to stay sane and manage sibling issues in your family
They're at it-again. Your kids are fighting once more, accusing each other of doing or saying something unkind. The argument is escalating quickly into tears and accusations and you're fed up and disheartened. All you want is for your kids to get along and be friends. What can you do differently?
It's heartbreaking and exhausting when your kids don't get along. Sibling relationships are the way kids figure out how to relate to a peer, practice social skills, and learn negotiation skills. In families living with ADHD, these relationships can be especially tricky. The child with ADHD may feel jealous, angry or frustrated with their sibling, especially when they're neurotypical. They may feel judged, misunderstood and rejected by them. They probably compare themselves to this sibling and, sadly, come up short. 
Neurotypical siblings often suffer with being 'the other one'--the child who may receive less attention or is expected to put up with inappropriate words, demanding behaviors or excessive needs as part of understanding their sibling's challenges. They're asked to be patient when they really feel angry or ignored. If you've got more than one child with ADHD, LD or ASD, it can be especially challenging for everyone to live with how issues with attention, learning or processing information manifest differently.
You can't make siblings become great friends but you can create a home environment of civility and tolerance. While things may seem fraught with tension now, you don't know how their relationship will change over time. Focus on how to teach your kids to deal with their conflict effectively by teaching skills such as sharing, compassion and kindness. When the family lives by a code of civility and acceptance, everybody's relationships improve. Instead of perceiving unfairness and judgments, your kids can learn to accept each other--and themselves--warts and all. 
Try these steps:
- Normalize different kinds of brains: We all have brains that are uniquely wired. Rather than expecting and demanding compassion, increase empathy by talking about personal strengths and challenges for everyone. Describe executive functioning skills and identify family members' strengths and challenges. See who shares what skills and where differences arise. Then, make a plan for each person to address one of their challenges. We all have issues we can work on which levels the playing field between siblings. Make a weekly family meeting to discuss progress and brainstorm new approaches if necessary.
- Create a plan to respond to disagreements: Forget about fairness; it just doesn't exist. Instead, look at the timing and sequences of sibling arguments for a pattern. Use one of your weekly family meetings to create a plan for what to do when arguments arise. What are the ground rules about language and physical harm? What happens if you break them? Kids have lots of ideas and when you collaborate on solutions to problems, you gain their buy-in and improve their participation. How can you take a time-apart when emotions are escalating so people have enough time to cool off before coming back together to talk about moving forward? Make a list of acceptable Calm-me-Down activities. Explore ways that people can make amends for hurtful comments or actions.
- Stay in the present and keep your goals for their relationship to yourself: Your kids have to figure out for themselves how to relate to each other and what the quality of that relationship will be. Your job is to foster safety and civility. Yes, you may feel sad about how they interact with each other and please discuss this with your partner, a friend, a relative or a therapist. But, telling kids things such as "One day, all you will have will be each other" or "Your sister loves you and wants to be friends" doesn't acknowledge what's the nature of how they are (not) getting along in this moment. Most kids live in the present and, for kids with ADHD with their NOW/NOT NOW brains, thinking ahead to some unknown future really doesn't matter. Stick with what's happening now and work with them to create interventions that foster accountability and acknowledge the validity of both positions in an argument. Help both kids accept the other person's perspective by asking them to repeat what they hear their sibling saying instead of interpreting or arguing about it.
Remember kids' relationships go up and down. There are good moments and tough ones. When things get heated, stay as centered as you can. If you need to collect yourself, head to the bathroom to wash your hands, drink some water and take some deep breaths. Once you've pulled yourself together, you can handle whatever is happening on the other side of the door.
Unleash Your Kid's Genius Summit: Dr. Saline Masterclass Video
Overcoming Distractions Podcast: EP 54 – Do You Grow Out of ADHD? Is It a Myth?
Get Published Podcast: Dr. Sharon Saline - Hiring a Marketing Specialist in Your Niche
Prioritize it! Teaching kids the difference between NOW and LATER
Do you ever wonder why your child or teen with ADHD can't figure what to do when? They may be capable of listing things they need to accomplish but then they struggle to order these items. Soon, they feel overwhelmed and discouraged. Unsure how to decide what's critical, they shut down and avoid starting anything. Planning and prioritizing are key executive functioning skills, intimately related to organization, time management, initiation motivation and goal-directed persistence. They need to be taught directly to kids with ADHD and require a lot of adult patience. They also rely heavily on two of the 5 C's of successful ADHD parenting: Collaboration and Consistency. You've got to work with your son or daughter to create a strategy for doing tasks with an order and a method that makes sense to their unique brains. With routines and repetition, these tools eventually become second-nature to them. 
In order for kids to learn how to plan and prioritize, they have to understand the difference between urgent and important. Something urgent is time-related and has to be dealt with immediately. There's a deadline, a limit or an impending crisis such as preparing for a test tomorrow, writing a paper that's due tomorrow or finishing your taxes on April 15th at 11:58 pm. Something important is value-driven. It matters but there is less pressure around it: the "right-away factor" is missing. Things like extra-credit projects, practicing the piano or exercising fall into this category. When a task is both urgent and important, it has to get done NOW. This is where we begin to help kids with ADHD: they've got to figure out how to do this since it's just not clear to them. With their NOW/NOT NOW brains, it's all or nothing. Many kids tell me that they can't start anything without the fire of a deadline underneath and then they are incredibly stressed and anxious. While they may push back against any support you are offering, they, like you, want to argue less and feel proud of themselves. These are your motivators. 
Armed with a paper calendar, markers, pens and Post-It notes, make a time to sit down with your son or daughter for no more than 20 minutes. Follow these steps to teach planning and prioritizing:
- Show your child or teen how to do a brain dump: Make a list of everything that needs to get done. Whether it's cleaning their room or different homework assignments, getting these tasks out of their heads onto a piece of paper reduces the stress of trying to remember it and carry it all around inside. You can use your computer or iPad to create the list as long as you print it out afterwards.
- Help them understand the difference between urgent and important: Discuss what type of organizing system makes sense to them. Is it color coding, numbers or letters? Next, based on deadlines, order the items that you've written down together. Which items move to the top of the list and why? Some kids do better with separate lists of only one or two things to reduce overwhelm. Consider if this strategy would help your son or daughter.
- Talk about when and how long: Attach due dates to the items you've written down. Then, estimate approximately how long each one would take and write that next to the task. Ask your child or teen how they like to approach work. Do they like to start with something easy, feel a sense of accomplishment and move onto to a harder task? Or, do they prefer to get the hard stuff out of the way and then do the easy things--the stuff they enjoy. Connect the tasks to their preferred order of working.
- Put the items into a sequence: Now you are ready to order the items on the list, start with urgent tasks followed by the important ones, if you can get to these. Some kids aren't ready to move beyond doing what's urgent. That's okay. Help them create tools for the urgent stuff now. Later, with more practice and maturity, they can move onto incorporating important things that have less pressure. Show them how to work backwards from deadlines and put the steps on the calendar.
- Break things down: Remember that procrastination, discouragement and frustration are signs that the task is too big for your child or teen to being. Make the tasks smaller and the steps more simple.
- Incorporate breaks: Make sure to incorporate times for body and brain breaks. Use Post-it notes to remind them what they were doing so they can ease back into it.
When you discuss how to order and evaluate tasks, teach planning strategies and work together to use calendars with steps for getting things done, you show your child with ADHD how to plan and prioritize with Collaboration and Consistency.
Rewire: Don’t Google Your Symptoms – Why We Get Medical Anxiety
22 News Mass Appeal: Increase the Love at Home with Compassion
Why did you post THAT? Smart Screen Parenting for Kids with ADHD
It's the question I hear from almost every parent I meet: How do I make sure my son or daughter is using technology appropriately? Research has shown that managing technology in families is the greatest sources of arguments in the home according to both kids and parents. Many parents forget that screen time is a privilege--not a right, although most kids and especially teens will tell you differently. To create a health media diet in your family, start by looking at your values and your goals related to technology. Consider how and when you use your phone. Ask yourself "What role do I want the phone or computer to play in my daughter's life? What are the conditions and expectations I've already set up about using the computer? What does it mean to use devices safely and how can I teach these skills?" These reflections are the first step in smart screen parenting.
Families meet problems with technology because they haven’t set up clear terms and/or contracts about using screens from the beginning. It's never too late to have honest, forthright conversations about how to use phones and computers (including texting, apps and email appropriately) and what safety looks like. Have you discussed digital footprints and the longevity of online activity? College admission counselors, coaches and future employers can look up your history and see what you've said and to whom. Kids with ADHD lack of cause and effect thinking. They struggle with impulse control and self-regulation. They often believe that consequences just won’t happen to them. It's especially hard to stop themselves from texting or posting something inappropriate if other kids are doing it too.
Discuss how to make good choices about appropriate material to post and which sites to visit. If you wouldn’t say to someone’s face, then don’t send it online. Follow the WWGS rule: "What would Grandma say?" If you don't want your Grandma to read something, should you really post it? Expect your son or daughter to treat others with respect, and to never post hurtful or embarrassing messages. Encourage them to think twice before hitting 'Enter.' Being mean isn't okay at any time. Of course, ask them to always tell you about any harassing or bullying messages that others post.
We are responsible for teaching kids how to be a digital citizens just like we are teaching them to be a member of our communities. All families, especially those with ADHD, need guidelines about living successfully with technology--guidelines that are enforced consistently. You don't have to reinvent the wheel: websites like http://www.commonsensemedia.org offer great sample contracts and other ideas for how family's can establish plans about technology. Here are my suggestions to help you practice cyber safety and teach NET-etiquette:
- Get informed about digital media and technology so you are not acting out of fear or ignorance. Nobody wants to be a watchdog. Remind kids that what they post can be used against them. For example, letting the world know that you're off on vacation or posting your home address gives would-be robbers a chance to strike. Teens should also avoid posting specific locations of parties or events. If you don’t know know people or people who know them, don’t friend those folks.
- Go through privacy settings together to make sure your kids understand each one. Also, explain that passwords are there to protect them against things like identity theft. They should never share them.
- Live in a household with trust that goes both ways. Remember that your kids can go online and get all kinds of information that would often be better learned from you. We want kids to turn to us when they struggle with making good choices about where to go and what to do with friends. Tracking locations or reading their texts shows them that you don’t trust them or the decisions they are making. Unless you learn that your child or teen has been lying to you about where they are going, what they are doing or texting or posting inappropriate material, stick with direct conversations with them about their activities and friends.
- After you get home from work, plan to spend the first hour reconnecting with your family. Limit your screen use to times when your kids are absent, asleep or occupied with friends or their own screen time.
- Stay connected with the parents of their friends so you can know what’s going on with your son or daughter and the kids around you. This helped me tremendously when my children were teens. Several parents agreed that we would support each other as our kids became more independent. We didn’t hesitate to call or text folks about social or school issues. The kids knew that we talked with each other and professed to disliking it but they also knew that they couldn’t stray too far because someone would see it and then share it.
Attention Talk Video : ADHD Tips – Managing Screen Time