How to Nurture Yourself When Preparing for Back to School
It’s essential for parents and caregivers to take care of themselves during these times because we’re talking about a marathon, not a sprint. When you listen to the talk on an airplane about oxygen masks, you’re told to put one on yourself first and then on a child. It’s the same principle here. Factoring in self-care to an already full life of work, family and now hybrid learning can be complicated. In fact, it’s usually the first thing to go out the window when people are stressed when it should be one of the last. You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of others. Exercise, nutrition and emotional support are key elements to helping you run this long, arduous race. Here are a few tips:
- Get some physical exercise: Not only will your body and your brain benefit enormously from the endorphins that exercise produces but you will also feel less resentful because you’ve done something good for yourself in the midst of all of the stress in your list. Make a list of two types of activities you could actually do: one at home and one before or after school. For the first list, include taking the stairs or seated/wall yoga poses to do when you need a break. For the second list, identify times and activities of exercise that you ENJOY and want to do. Decide how often you can do something and put it on your calendar with a reminder alarm. The goal is to use your body to help you let go of stress, not to get into the best shape of your life.
- Eat well: Many parent are tired of cooking and shopping so you may have limited food selections or they’re not what you desire. You need fuel for this marathon so make a list of healthy snacks to purchase the next time you go to the grocery store.
- Ask your friends for assistance: People who care about you often feel confused about how to help you so they’re happy to do lend an ear, or bring dinner. When I ask a friend how I could help, she asked me to go to Trader Joe’s and buy her a container of dark chocolate pecan candies. I was so happy to do this. For the next six months I bought her a package of the candies. My friend was very appreciative, and even though it was a small thing, I felt like I was easing her burden in some way.
- Meditation: Take some each evening before bed or each morning as you awaken to be with yourself. Guided meditations on Apps such as Headspace, Mindful or Insight Timer can be a great way to start or end your day (or both) with a sense of personal calm, insight and hope. This internal spacial-ness will assist you as you deal with the chaos of caretaking.
At-Home Learning with ADHD: Creating an ADHD-friendly learning environment
Studying in bed? Doing homework on the couch while watching television? Hybrid and remote learning are challenging for so many kids and parents. If you want your child or teen with ADHD to show up for their remote classes with focus and concentrate on their homework/classwork, they’ve got to have a designated study space. For many students with attention or learning challenges, going to class in their rooms with their doors closed may well mean that they are multitasking, distracted and switching from school to social media or gaming. Despite their pushback and complaining, they need an ADHD-friendly environment to help them thrive with at-home learning with ADHD.
School is still in session.
While it’s important to empathize with your kids' boredom or frustration, you’ve also got to make sure they can get their work (or some of their work) done each day.
In addition to establishing a thoughtful daily plan, you can facilitate academic focus and participation by putting together a home study spot. These study spaces don’t have to break the bank. What’s most important is that you’re clarifying what it means to be working versus what it means to be off-duty and where this activity will occur. When kids with ADHD and learning challenges have routines and areas that are dedicated to learning, it’s easier to begin and stick with academic tasks.
Of course, you can’t reproduce school at home. But you can set up an environment that mimics school as much as possible. This aids kids to enter a space that is conducive to thinking and study while simultaneously fosters the organization of their materials, books and technological devices. Remember, you’re entitled to having IEP and 504 accommodations during this time, so ask your school for any resources or tips you may need.
Create a supportive at-home learning environment for kids and teens with ADHD:
1. Create a weekly family meeting.
This is a time to discuss expectations, concerns, review routines and study plans and explore options for things that aren’t working. When you have a weekly meeting, everybody knows that they talk about what they like and what they don’t at a specific time just for that purpose. Some families do this twice a week for shorter discussions; others do it once a week for longer check-ins. Brainstorm what will work with your kids: when they participate in creating a plan, they’ll have more buy-in. Of course, as the parent, you get to make the final decision but please take their opinions into consideration.
2. Make a daily routine and post it.
Kids with ADHD especially benefit from some structure and knowing what to expect. Break up the day into blocks of time forgoing to classes, studying on their own (worksheets, projects, assignments), movement and snack breaks, lunch, going outside, homework, chores and fun screen time.
Be as specific or general depending on what suits your child or teen. Some kids like having activity periods and they can choose what to do from an agreed upon list; others like a more predictable plan. There's no one-size fits all for at-home learning with ADHD.
Whatever you choose, post write it down and post it in the kitchen and in their bedroom. Visual reminders are key for these alternative learners. Try to work alongside your kids or in their presence so it’s clear that certain blocks of time are family work time. Then you can observe their level of participation, take breaks together or offer academic support.
3. Name a study space and personalize it.
Whether it’s the same spot at the kitchen table, a folding tray that you set up each morning or a desk in a common office, decide where your child will study. Make sure your kids have headphones and are separated into different rooms or different areas of the same room.
Consider getting desk dividers if you have more than one child at home are they are sharing a table. Adjust their screen height so it’s at eye level to avoid neck and back pain, the brightness to reduce eye strain and make sure their feet can reach the floor so they are grounded.
Put together a special storage space like a locker for their books, notebooks or other supplies: use a plastic box, milk crate or make a cubby. This will help them organize their stuff. Discuss how they can personalize or decorate their home study space to make it more comfortable and inviting.
4. Foster time management.
Kids with ADHD often struggle with time blindness. They don’t understand what time feels like, and they’re not aware how to keep track of it. Purchase an analogue clock or timer to teach them this skill. They 
need to see time move to grasp it.
Help kids engaged in at-home learning who have ADHD use technology to their advantage--set up alerts and alarms on their phones, or use banners on their devices as reminders. Put these clocks and timers in their study space.
If your child or teen has trouble with time management or completing assignments, talk to the school and ask for assistance.
5. Practice empathy.
Just as it is hard for you to get things done at home sometimes, it’s even harder for your child or teen. Instead of anger and resentment, go with compassion. Most kids don’t want to learn from home any more than you want them there.
In those tough moments, manage yourself before dealing with your son or daughter. When you’re calmer, you can be more open and caring towards them. They simply don’t have the mature brain that you do to process all of this disappointment, isolation and distress.
If they are getting upset, they are showing you that they lack the personal resources needed for the task at hand.Acknowledge their frustration first; problem-solve later. Your empathy will go a long way to diffusing the intensity of their situation and build deeper, lasting connections.
Read more blog posts:
- ADHD Teens and Remote Learning: 5 tips for learning success
- Back to School with ADHD and COVID Uncertainty (again)
- Returning to School with ADHD: Tips on helping anxious kids transition smoothly
Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:
- How to Help Your Children Transition Back to School Smoothly (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal interviews Dr. Saline)
- ADHD Students: Tips for Transitioning Back to In-person Learning (ADDitude ADHD Parenting Q&A with Dr. Saline)
- Help Your Kid Overcome School Anxiety (Operation Parent Webinar with Dr. Saline)
Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/online-learning-tips-for-parents-bundle/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Millennial Loneliness and Depression
It can be hard to make friends as adults:
People often feel like it’s hard to make friends as an adult because, quite frankly, it is. When we are in college or technical school, we have a community made for us and we share common goals and interests. We spend time each day or week together. You don’t have to look far for peers because they are all around you. Once young adults have transitioned to living on their and working full-time, the social networks are less obvious. You may have friends at work or you may not. In addition, you may be living in a new place where you lack historical connections to people or a familiar community. Be shy and/or suffering from social anxiety doesn't help either. Millennial loneliness and depression is real and a challenge to cope with.
Social media increases millennial loneliness:
Women in particular are socialized to develop a sense of themselves based on their relationships. These interpersonal networks help define us and give us purpose. Social media increases loneliness: women have superficial contact with others, often based on short text exchanges, photos or quick responses. Girls and women are developing an inner notion of who they are based on the number of likes they have and how engaged they are online with others. Ultimately, these ways of relating with others are less satisfying than in-person conversations, time spent together and sharing real time experiences.
Aim for Balance:
To build a community, aim for balance between social media and real time interactions. Folks need a few friends, not an entire posse, to feel like they matter and make a difference. Meet up with friends and talk in person more than texting, Snapchat or Instagram conversations. Pursue what interests you and join a club, take a class or volunteer for an organization. By participating in these activities, you’ll make natural relationships, share experiences and build a stronger sense of self to feel less lonely and more fulfilled.
Watch Dr. Saline's advice on depression, loneliness and teens and millennials.
Learn more:
22 News Mass Appeal: Back to School Week: Start The New School Year With The Right Study Habits
Help! My Teen is So Unmotivated This Summer!
Teens experience a few types of academic burnout depending on their individual situations. For neurotypical kids, academic burnout usually arises towards the end of the semester when they are burdened with final tests, projects and paper in addition to their other commitments such as sports, music or theater or work. For high-achieving kids who are taking AP classes, preparing for AP tests can add to their stress. For juniors in high school who additionally have to take the SAT’s or ACT’s for college, it can be overwhelming. They can become exhausted with how much they have to do.
Neurotypical Kids:
As a parent of these types of teens, your primary job is helping them maintain balance and perspective in their lives. Work with them to create a study/life schedule that allows for some down time each day. Don’t orchestrate what they should do during that time though. Instead brainstorm some healthy options other than screens such as cooking, walking the dog, going for a run, listening to music or even watching a single show with you. If they want to mess around on their phone a bit to "chill", keep it (like tv) time limited. Teen brains especially need some non-screen to decompress and integrate all of the information they are learning and processing during the day.
Neurodiverse Kids:
For kids with ADHD, learning disabilities or autism spectrum disorders, burnout can occur more frequently and more intensely. Working hard to hold it together at school all day takes a lot of effort and concentration for these teens. They spend a lot of their time doing academic tasks that are hard, boring or unpleasant. By mid-semester, their efforts may not be panning out as they had hoped and they become discouraged and uninterested in doing the work.
While the recommendations above for neurotypical kids apply equally to these teens, teens who are outside-the-box thinkers benefit from additional parental support in creating shorter work periods with timed breaks, specific tasks to accomplish in those work periods and acknowledgement of their efforts towards working towards goals, even if they are not fully met. This validation encourages them to keep going. Family work time, when parents and kids work side-by-side on their stuff, also helps teens stay on track because adults can monitor them without being intrusive.
Learn more:
Dealing with Defiant ADHD Teens and Tweens in this Strange COVID Summer
Now, more than ever, there seems to be very little we can predict and hold onto. Everyday, we hear new reports about climbing COVID cases as we struggle to practice safety measures, keep up with work, manage bored kids and keep our sanity intact. It can all feel too much to handle. Of course, in the midst of trying to keep your head above the water, there’s nothing like a defiant ADHD teen or tween to put you over the edge. How do you cope with the overwhelming stress? What can you do to help your child manage their big feelings and reduce family conflict?
Why teens and tweens with ADHD are engaging in more defiant behavior
Angry and frustrated with the many changes to their lives wrought by COVID, and feeling helpless to do anything, many kids are acting out in ways that are often inappropriate. It seems that they’ve taken a giant step backwards in managing their distress. With their executive functioning challenges related to emotional and impulse control, scattered kids are prone to intense pushback and aggressive anger. 
Teens and tweens with ADHD, whose brains mature more slowly than their neurotypical peers, are particularly torn between what they would like to be capable of doing and what they can actually accomplish. They’re often very frustrated with themselves, and, unable to tolerate their shame, act out their personal dissatisfaction towards others--often their parents. They unconsciously want you to make it better for them, just like a young child would. Teens are still struggling with how to tolerate disappointment appropriately and how to pivot when faced with limits they don’t like. With all of the changes surrounding COVID and losses of familiar and beloved activities, the natural challenges with shifting, flexibility and planning for transitions for many kids with ADHD are intensified. Of course, when they are triggered, emotional and verbal impulse control fly out of the window.
Underneath all of their bluster, many defiant ADHD teens and tweens suffer from low self-esteem and shame. They need tools for expressing themselves appropriately and signs of parental support for their attempts to use these techniques, even if they're not completely successful. You've got to remember that, while they may seem to enjoy the sense of power in the moment, they really don't like the conflict any more than you do. It's just that they lack certain skills which could help them.
Steps to disrupting cycles of defiance for ADHD teens and tweens:
1. Acknowledge their frustration:
Instead of convincing your defiant ADHD teen or tween why things aren't the way that they perceive them, validate their feelings. Mirror what you hear them saying with language like, "I hear that you are upset about X" or, "What you're telling me is Y." When kids feel seen and heard, they'll begin to slow down.
2. Set ground rules about acceptable behavior:
Discuss with your kids what ways of expressing anger or displeasure is appropriate and what are not. Be specific about language and physical actions. In addition, set up incentives for cooperating and logical consequences for obstruction. For instance, "If you curse at me, you will not earn the privilege of your phone for the rest of the day." Or, "If you can go through a day and not scream or break something, you'll earn extra screen time." Work with incentives that matter to them.
3. Plan for arguments:
Let's face it, you will get into fights. Instead of being surprised each time this happens, identify signs that you are heading into the red zone and how to take a planned, timed break. Make a list of acceptable choices for this "Calm-me-down" time and post it in the kitchen and bedrooms. Separate for an agreed-upon time until you can re-convene without hot tempers from defiant ADHD teens or tweens. For some kids, this break may need to be a few hours. That's okay.
4. Decide what's next:
Instead of trying to teach a lesson, talk about what's needed to move on. Ask questions, listen and reflect back what you hear. Wonder about alternative choices you both could have made in that instant or could make in the future. Collaborate on an action for moving on. Refer back to your agreement about ground rules while staying compassionate but firm. You can talk about any lessons at another time, perhaps the next day in the car or perhaps at a scheduled hour. It's really important to notice and validate the activities and emotions that your defiant teen is becoming triggered. This type of validation will lower their rage and shame. Your goal is to cool the flames in the moment and follow your collaborative agreement. Teaching lessons will come later.
Learn more:
Feeling low? Tips for keeping your sense of humor amidst the uncertainty
It’s really tough to stand in uncertainty and, right now, people around the globe are facing this challenge as best they can. With all of the confusion about whether to send kids back to school and how to manage hybrid or home learning while working, many parents are wrestling with anxiety, frustration and hopelessness. There are just no clear guidelines about what to do or how to move forward. As parents of kids with ADHD, you’re used to facing struggles at home. Issues related to impulsivity, inattention, disorganization among other executive functioning skills can fray your nerves when there’s not a pandemic. Living in close quarters, dealing with food, housing, work or educational insecurity, you’ve probably lost your temper a few more times recently than you would have liked. While regrets can foster change, judging yourself unkindly only makes matter worse. Instead, let’s try to practice self-compassion through humor. Having a sense of humor when raising kids is an essential tool for any parent. Children can expand your heart and push your buttons like no one else. Being able to laugh at what happens, at your reactions and sometimes at life itself helps ease the journey, especially right now. Everybody does things they’re proud of as a parent and things that they wish they hadn’t. Having compassion for yourself when you stumble enables you to giggle at your foibles without bombarding yourself with shame. Self-blame or criticism of others often intensifies small incidents into full-blown explosions. Maintaining a sense of humor reduces the chances of a conflagration. 
As the parent, you need to set the example for your kids by using a tone that brings humor, boundaries and self-reflection to the unprecedented situations we are facing. For example, when your child or teen with ADHD speaks to you in a disrespectful tone, you have a choice. You can angrily tell them “You’re not allowed to speak to me that way. Go to your room.” Or, you can say: “Fresh is for vegetables, not speaking to me like that.” The first option throws fuel on the fire; the second one, dampens the flames. If your teenage son gets into your car, plugs in his phone and listens to rap music loudly that he knows you hate, you could tell him that he’s being selfish and entitled and unplug his phone. Or, you could learn some of the lyrics to his favorite songs and sing along. That will certainly change the dynamic in the car and likely make you both smile. You’re managing your own reaction with humor and not responding negatively. We need some laughs--any humor--to alleviate our stress and worrying. I’m not talking about ignoring the complex reality you are dealing with, but rather pivoting to something lighter temporarily. Put some reminders about positive attitudes and quick comebacks. Consider watching some old family videos (kids love to see themselves when they were younger); make a family movie night with favorite comedy and popcorn; play a silly game together (Mad Libs, charades, Sorry); crank the music and dance in your living room. Using self-control and creativity to look at yourself and your reactions differently, you shift conversations and situations away from annoyance or aggravation by injecting some levity. You’re not only modeling this for your kids as an effective coping tool, you’ll feel better and they will too.
22 News Mass Appeal: Reducing Anxiety by Shifting From Worry to Wonder
Additude Mag: From Screen Time to Safe Socializing: The Summer 2020 Guide for ADHD Families
Body Image and ADHD: How to help kids who dislike their bodies
It's heartbreaking when your son or daughter shares that they don't like their bodies. They may dislike their shape, their height, their hair color, their fingernails, their nose or their feet. All too often, kids (and adults) compare themselves to an unattainable ideal of beauty put forth by mainstream media and culture. We see actors, models and social media icons who look polished and seemingly perfect. It seems impossible for us to measure up because their images are carefully crafted and maintained with lots of money and support staff. Kids also perceive other kids as prettier, stronger and more popular. Sometimes family members may criticize us in particularly cruel and painful ways which makes it even more difficult to love who we are. For kids with ADHD who often get on a hamster wheel of negative thinking and may already feel diminished academically or socially, it's especially tough to stop the repetitive, critical thoughts in their heads. Shifting your views about your body means accepting who you are, what you look like and appreciating our differences. We need to remind kids that yes, they're not perfect but no one is. Of course, the work is really about what's inside as much as what's on the outside. We all have to learn to fill up our own approval cups instead of holding them out for others to fill with compliments and reassurance. This is really tough for kids with ADHD who want to fit in and be accepted by their peers. They want something about themselves to be "normal" since their learning styles are different. Outer appearance, however, may give them some relief but it won't mend the insecurities inside of them. You really can't compare your insides to someone else's outsides. We have to teach our kids and teens that people may look one way but have something entirely unexpected going on inside of them.
To challenge distorted or negative perceptions about body image, start by helping your son or daughter create a supportive team of caring friends, teachers, mentors and family who love all parts of them.
- Help them take stock of the parts of themselves that they like, make a list and post this in their room or keep in a journal.
- Make a second list of things they don't like and what, if any, action they could take to change those items.
- Name a positive aspect of these parts. For instance, if you don’t really like your feet (like me--they are flat and I have small toes), you could think about what a great job they do of holding you up each day and helping you walk places. Since I can't change them, I try to polish my toenails with a fun color to make them look nicer and deal with them as they are. Your daughter might not care for your straight hair, but it's healthy, shiny and looks good in a ponytail. Your son may feel overweight but is very strong and his size is useful on the football field.
- Go through their clothes and keep the items that they love and make them feel good to wear. Each day, encourage them to dress in something that makes them feel good or boosts their mood. I had one nine year old client who told me: "I dress in the color that I feel that day. Like, if I'm feeling purple, then it's a purple day." Go with it. Perhaps ask a caring friend or relative to come over and help your child or teen purge unwanted items or shop online for some new, fun stuff that you can afford.
If people around your youngster are critical of their appearance, brainstorm ways they can deal with these comments appropriately. In a calm moment, create one or two comebacks that are witty and easy to remember and then practice using them. If you need to intervene with teachers or school administrators to set limits because of suspected bullying, talk this over with your son or daughter and protect their safety. It’s not okay for someone to criticize your body and kids need tools to convey that it has to stop. Saying it was a joke or they were just being sarcastic is also unacceptable. These are simply passive aggressive ways to put someone down. If necessary, encourage your son or daughter to take a break from interacting with this person for a while. Sadly, it’s typical for many kids, especially tweens and teens, to dislike some parts of their body. Sometimes dissatisfaction with one's appearance can have serious and disturbing consequences. Body dysmorphic disorder, bulimia and anorexia are serious mental health conditions that require immediate attention. There's a difference between casually disliking how your bottom looks in a certain outfit or wanting a smaller nose or wishing your torso was more muscular and actively trying to change your appearance or manage uncomfortable feelings with obsessive thinking and self-harming behaviors. If you notice that your child is seeing bodily defects or malformations that do not exist, if your child is showing changes in how, when and what they eat or if they tell you that they are throwing up on purpose, consult their pediatrician or primary care provider immediately. 
In the meantime, focus on healthy living. Offer positive body-affirming comments and monitor how you talk about your physique. Our kids notice everything and take in what we say and do. Accepting ourselves, warts and all, is a process that benefits everybody. Empathize with their feelings and also remember to, as the song says, "Accentuate the positive!" without being a pollyanna.
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What's the Difference Between Nervousness and Anxiety?
Feeling nervous is different that feeling anxious in terms of intensity, frequency and focus. Nervousness, like anxiety, is experienced cognitively and physically but it doesn’t stop you from doing something. Nervousness is a temporary feeling of insecurity related to specific concerns about a new or stressful situation. Usually these concerns go away once you’ve mastered the tasks associated with that situation or lived through and managed it successfully. You’ll feel nervous with a flutter in your stomach or some perspiration about doing something like getting a flu shot or going to see a friend for the first time in months, but you’ll do these things anyway. Anxiety disorders are more debilitating and persistent, reflecting repeated all or nothing thinking, negative expectations of events and an inability to tolerate uncertainty. They can be related to general or specific fears that don’t go away despite positive experiences of successfully overcoming them. Although anxiety can be adaptive by helping us prepare for real danger, anxiety disorders involve the experience of a natural emotion at an inappropriate time and to an excessive degree. Sometimes there can be episodes of fear or worry in the absence of a genuine threat. Whether it’s a true emergency or a false alarm, anxiety disorders distort your perceptions and create uncomfortable bodily states including racing heart rate and shortness of breath. Most people try to avoid whatever triggers the anxiety which, outside of crisis management, actually makes it worse. Instead, it’s most helpful to identify what triggers your anxiety, your typical, distressful reactions and brainstorm alternative responses. The goal for reducing anxiety is learning how to tolerate the discomfort that comes from uncertainty and realistically assess the safety of a given situation. For example, your child may be very anxious about being stung by a bee, refusing to spend any time outside. You will have to work with her to go outdoors slowly, by increasing the minutes she successfully tolerates the fresh air each day. We want her to learn that she can worry about bee stings and live through her fear. She'll likely need to create and use self-calming phrases such as "I don't see any bees around me," "Bees want pollen" or "A sting will hurt less than getting my ears pierced." She's learning to how to manage her anxiety and you are supporting her budding confidence. 
Whether your child or teen is dealing with nervousness or anxiety, they need to figure out a strategy for self-soothing. You won't always be there to reassure them that things will be okay. Practice some phrases and calming behaviors outside of challenging situations so they're familiar enough for kids to summon up when needed.
Getting ready: Tips for preparing for school in uncertain times
After a spring semester with remote learning and its many complications for students, parents and educators, schools are reopening in the fall. While each state is dictating its own guidelines for this reopening, it looks like many independent schools and public school districts will opt for some type of hybrid learning--a mix of in-person and online instruction. These hybrid models differ according to age groups but the details have yet to be ironed out. The general consensus is that primary school students need more face-to-face instruction that allows for safe distancing and mask-free breaks. Secondary school students, those in middle and high school who tended to adapt better to online learning, will likely face some classroom time alternating with virtual instruction. It’s quite possible that these students won’t attend school daily to accommodate recommendations about social distancing and class size. But, with so much still unknown about the fall semester and information about COVID changing daily, parents, kids and educators are understandably anxious and uncertain about what to expect. How can you prepare yourself and your child or teen for the start of school in this constantly shifting situation?
School closures in the spring and the quick shift to virtual learning combined with job, housing and food insecurity for many people led to high levels of stress and frustration for families. Kids faced losses of daily routines that kept them on track and organized, extracurricular activities that brought them self-confidence, fitness and fun, and regular social interactions with peers and caring adults. They felt angry, discouraged and lonely. As parents, you did the best you could in a tough situation: you managed work, health and safety concerns while making sure your kids with learning differences kept up with their schoolwork. You became their teachers, tutors and advocates--roles, frankly, you were simply not trained for. It's hard to imagine repeating this scenario again this fall, especially for those of you who have returned to work outside of the home. 
Although many things about school remain in flux, now is a good time to begin preparing your kids and yourself emotionally and mentally for the re-entry. Start with these steps:
- Empathize with their anxiety: As children and teens face returning to school, they’ll have mixed emotions. On the one hand, they look forward to seeing friends, reconnecting with teachers and embracing a ‘normal’ structure to their lives. On the other hand, many kids will be nervous about the changes to school, possible COVID contamination and social interactions. You can best assist alternative learners by empathizing now with whatever feelings they have and normalizing them. It's hard for adults to understand what's happening; it's almost impossible for kids.
- Expect an adjustment period: When kids with ADHD feel anxious and nervous, they can be more inflexible than usual. They may act out their concerns with increased anger, aggression or isolation. Talk about the specifics of their worries, explore possible solutions together and offer pertinent information to answer any questions. Facts and knowledge when shared appropriately alleviates anxiety. Talking about the process of adjustment amidst this unfamiliar of this situation will help them understand that adapting to this new normal takes time and practice.
- Collaborate on weekly family meetings: Although the specifics of school are still unknown, you've got to explore and plan for options. When parents and kids collaborate on setting up a learning plan for this fall, the transition back to the new academic picture will flow more smoothly. Make a date and time for a short weekly family meeting to check-in. This is when parents and kids discuss what’s going well, what could be different and how to make those changes.
I'll be addressing specific tools for the transition back to school in future blogs. In the meantime, focus on the present. Things are unfolding so quickly that it's important not to get ahead of yourself. Try not to worry. You'll have the information you need soon enough and then we can figure out what to do next.
More Tips for Dealing with Defiant ADHD Tweens and Teens in This Strange COVID Summer
Now, more than ever, there seems to be very little we can predict and hold onto. Every day we hear new reports about climbing COVID cases as we struggle to practice safety measures, keep up with work, manage bored kids and keep our sanity intact. It can all feel like too much.
Of course, in the midst of trying to keep your head above your water, there’s nothing like a defiant tween or teen with ADHD to put you over the edge. Angry and frustrated with the many changes to their lives wrought by COVID and feeling helpless to do anything, many kids are acting out in ways that are often inappropriate. It seems that they’ve taken a giant step backwards in managing their distress. With their executive functioning challenges related to emotional and impulse control, scattered kids are prone to intense pushback and aggressive anger. What can you do to help them manage their big feelings and reduce family conflict?
Coping with ADHS and the dramatic changes from COVID pandemic
Teens and tweens with ADHD whose brains mature more slowly than their neurotypical peers are particularly torn between what they would like to be capable of doing and what they can actually accomplish. They’re often very frustrated with themselves and, unable to tolerate their shame, act out their personal dissatisfaction towards others--often their parents. They unconsciously want you to make it better for them, just like a young child would. Teens are still struggling with how to tolerate disappointment appropriately and how to pivot when faced with limits they don’t like.
With all of the changes surrounding COVID and losses of familiar and beloved activities, the natural challenges with shifting, flexibility and planning for transitions for many kids with ADHD are intensified. Of course, when they are triggered, emotional and verbal impulse control fly out of the window.
Recognizing shame in ADHD tweens and teens
Underneath all of their bluster, many defiant tweens and teens suffer from low self-esteem and shame. They need tools for expressing themselves appropriately and signs of parental support for their attempts to use these techniques, even if they're not completely successful. You've got to remember that, while they may seem to enjoy the sense of power in the moment, they really don't like the conflict any more than you do. It's just that they lack skills.
Follow these steps to change the cycle of defiance:
1. Acknowledge their frustration
Instead of convincing your tween or teen why things aren't the way they perceive them, validate their feelings. Mirror what you hear them say with language like "I hear that you are upset about X" or "What you're telling me is Y." When kids feel seen and heard, they'll begin to slow down.
2. Set ground rules about acceptable behavior
Discuss with them what ways of expressing anger or displeasure is appropriate and what are not. Be specific about language and physical actions. Set up incentives for cooperating and logical consequences for obstruction. For instance, "If you curse at me, you will not earn the privilege of your phone for the rest of the day." Or, "If you can go through a day and not scream or break something, you'll earn extra screen time." Work with incentives that matter to them.
3. Plan for arguments
Let's face it, you will get into fights. Instead of being surprised each time this happens, identify signs that you are heading into the red zone and how to take a planned, timed break. Make a list of acceptable choices for this "Calm-me-down" time and post it in the kitchen and bedrooms. Separate for an agreed-upon time until you can re-convene without hot tempers. For some kids, this break may need to be a few hours. That's okay.
4. Decide what's next
Instead of trying to teach a lesson, talk about what's needed to move on. Ask questions, listen and reflect back what you hear. Wonder about alternative choices you both could have made in that instant or could make in the future. Collaborate on an action for moving on. Refer back to your agreement about ground rules while staying compassionate but firm. You can talk about any lessons at another time, perhaps the next day in the car or perhaps at a scheduled hour.
It's really important to notice and validate the activities and emotions that your defiant teen is becoming triggered. This type of validation will lower their rage and shame. Your goal is to cool the flames in the moment and follow your collaborative agreement. Teaching lessons will come later.
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Tired of Adolescent Pushback? Here's how to Understand and Cope with Defiant Teens
Teenagers can push your buttons like no one else. Teens with ADHD--living through the hormonal turmoil of adolescence in addition to struggling with executive functioning challenges such as impulse and emotional control, organization and motivation, can simultaneously need your support and reject your concern. Unable to skillfully self-regulate, small issues can escalate into volcanic eruptions within seconds. The conflict is as frustrating for you as it is distressing for them. Nobody wants to live in a home marked by anger, yelling and unhappiness amidst frequent provocations. How can you reduce your family's arguments and find better alternatives? Teenagers push back against their parents as part of their quest to answer the two major developmental issues of adolescence: “Who am I?” and “Where do I belong?” When teens are defiant--rebelling and questioning adult authority--their behavior reflects their burgeoning efforts to separate from their parents and other caring adults while still maintaining their connection. Learning to navigating these attachments while forming your own identity is extremely complicated. It’s a push-pull dynamic inside of them. They want to exercise their independence by making their own decisions and rejecting parental directives but they also rely on their folks for support, guidance and acceptance. They feel confused and resentful but lack the self-awareness and maturity to make more effective choices.
Defiance is a relationship problem: communication has broken down and no one feels listened to. Teens become increasingly defiant and reactive when they feel like their needs or opinions are unseen and unacknowledged. They are still struggling with how to pivot when faced with limits they don’t like and tolerate disappointment. As their parents, they need you to meet them where they are: to focus more on your relationship than being right. Expect their pushback and create a predictable plan for dealing with it--regardless of the content. It’s okay for teens to feel angry at their parents for saying “NO” but it’s not acceptable to rage at them, to break things, to damage the house or threaten others. Defiant teens often feel bad about themselves after these episodes. They regret their outbursts but will frequently hide their shame rather than let you see their vulnerability. What they need are tools to manage their intense feelings:
- Increase their body awareness when they are becoming activated: Identify the signs that things are heating up.
- Discuss clear actions for calming down (listening to music, going for a walk or run and texting with a friend): Write these down and post them.
- Review options for what to do or say when they are upset instead of acting their feelings out. Create a few “If this, then that” phrases such as “If I don’t like what you are saying, then I’ll say that instead of cursing at you or calling you names.’
- Acknowledge their efforts whenever they try to make different choices and when they succeed in behaving in alternative, more effective ways. “I see that you really tried to manage your temper for several minutes. That’s progress.”
- Use incentives that matter to your adolescent and link these to the behavioral changes you want to see. When defiant teens have input, they have better buy-in.
Remember, they don’t want conflict in your home any more than you do. They just don’t see other ways to get what they want. Working collaboratively and using STOP, THINK, ACT can further reduce your arguments and their surliness:
- Plan for disagreements: STOP: In a calm moment, acknowledge that you will inevitably clash over issues. Instead of heading towards WWIII, create a plan for calling a STOP in the action. The goal of this Time Apart is to cool down before brainstorming any solutions. Set a specific amount of time for this Time Apart, usually around 15 minutes is long enough for the adrenalin-fueled system to calm down. Describe signs and behaviors that indicate this is needed. Make a list of what your teen can do during this break to regulate themselves.
- Re-group for listening: THINK: This is a time where you listen and reflect what your teen tells you is going on for them, how they could make a different choice and share what you can do better too.
- Move forward: ACT: Together, figure out what the next right thing to do is. How can each of you move on from what’s happened? Brainstorm possible solutions and validate any cooperation you receive. This encourages teens to participate in the future.
Parenting Adult Children is Complicated
When young adults have lived independently, they are accustomed to making their own schedules and sleeping, eating, studying and socializing according to their own rhythm. In general, they’re not that interested in free advice about what they could be doing better or differently. Instead, they want to be respected for the autonomy that they’ve developed and be seen in their developing maturity.
Coexisting peacefully means realizing that your job is to support them more than guide them. They need collaboration and compassion: their lives have been turned upside down and they’ve likely lost many events, activities and plans which really mattered to them. They want to have a sense of their independence by making whatever choices they can in their newly limited lives. Many young adults right now are both anxious and depressed. As parents, we’ve got to remember that they are more fragile than they’ve been.
It’s reasonable to establish ground rules that reflect creating a civil, honest and safe environment for your home. Take about how to share chores, respect each other’s boundaries and work together to solve issues. Make a list of who’s doing what and post it in the kitchen. Create a plan for what to do when people aren’t following through. By strategizing for success and setting up clear plans for daily living, you’ll reduce the frequency of any conflicts which will naturally arise during this time.
If your adult child is behaving irresponsibly (sleeping all day and up all night, not following social distancing recommendations or abusing substances), talk with them about their stated goals for themselves and their view on how they are progressing towards them. Offer neutral observations about their behaviors, ask them how you can help and consider assisting them with making online appointments with their physician, finding a therapist or following a daily routine that includes exercise. Ask questions and listen to their responses, reflecting back what you hear them say and without judging or dismissing their opinions.
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- Discuss your beliefs as a family
- Outline safe and appropriate guidelines for expressing your views and supporting others
- Encourage accountability and collaboration
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