Teens with ADHD Habits that Hurt their Mental Health and How to Change Them

In the course of the past few months, I’ve seen a few major habits in teens that seem to be hurting their mental health more than help them. Here are my recent observations and some tips to turn these behaviors around.

Too much time on social media

Social media not only seems to suck up time faster than you notice but it also is built so that people compare themselves to others. These comparisons are rarely favorable and people walk away with not feeling positive about themselves. As one adolescent girl told me, “No one ever posts pictures of their face mid-menstrual break-out or of their bombed test grade.” Teens especially feel pressured to keep up with friends, stay in touch and maintain an image that they’ve created. This creates more stress in their lives which interrupts their ability to reflect on themselves, what they think and create a sturdy sense of self.  Tip: Schedule screen-free time during each day. Whether it’s during a meal or after-school to take a break, help teens create some screen-free time to give their eyes and their brains some much-need time away from technology to recover. 

Eating fast food on the run

We are so much of what we eat and we eat non-nutritious food quickly, we’re not providing our brains or bodies with the appropriate fuel needed to think and function well. Sharing a meal is not only good for adolescent physiology but it also provides an opportunity for them to connect with people face-to-face and talk about our lives. During a sit down meal, our bodies slow down and properly digest our food so we can ::absorbe the nutrients and simultaneously take a much-needed break from the chaos of our lives. Tip: Create regular family meals in your routine. Set aside particular days and times when the family gathers together to share some nourishment. Engage your teen in cooking as well. This is a great opportunity for them to learn a useful and rewarding life skill as well. 

Having arguments via texting or emailing

Nobody can take an emotional weather report via electronic communication. If you say something difficult or sensitive this way, there’s no way to perceive how your words affect the other person. You also may not perceive whatever feelings are brewing inside them. It’s easier to disengage and avoid accountability for your words and actions. Teens need to learn and practice interactional skills not only for healthy personal relationships but also for school, work and life situations where they have to deal with others.  Tip: Assist your teen in dealing with issues more directly, either by phone call, Zoom or safely in-person. Help them come up with some phrases they can say and role play these conversations so they feel more comfortable and confident.

Giving up before they even start

Many teens with ADHD struggle with low motivation, negative outlooks and avoidance procrastination. They put off activities--homework, chores or hygiene--because they don’t enjoy them and may not see the value in them. Many kids have a history of not succeeding despite exerting themselves.  They don’t believe that they can do anything differently now. An adolescent boy told me, “I’ve tried before and failed so why would it be any different now?”  Tip: Break tasks down into smaller chunks. This will make projects more manageable. Help kids recall times when they made efforts and succeeded. Clarify what tools and actions they had used. Notice their efforting--their progress towards a goal and encourage them along the way. 

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Message to Tween, Teens and Young Adults During Covid

This can be a tough time for emerging adults.

Seven months into the pandemic, and things are still "far from normal". You’ve lost so much of what was familiar, valued and fun in your lives--being on campus and attending in-person classes, socializing with peers, working, romantic relationships, etc. It’s natural to feel sad, lonely, anxious, frustrated and disappointed. These are some comments I hear from my clients: "I can't do anything!" "School is now only Zoom. ,All the good stuff is gone, and all we do now is work." If your parents or other family members are pressuring you to do more, be happy and act grateful for what you have, it’s really important that you let them know how you feel. You’re struggling a bit. You need empathy not criticism. Consider saying something like: “This has been a hard time for me and most people my age. I’m doing the best I can to shift and accommodate the changes but some days it’s tougher than others.”

Don't Struggle Alone

Contact your primary care provider or your college’s counseling services to get the names of mental health practitioners if you find that you’re:

• sad or anxious most days
• lonely and need someone to talk to
• your sleep or appetite are disrupted (too much or not enough)
• have trouble concentrating or taking pleasure in activities that you once enjoyed overusing alcohol or drugs

Ask for Help

Ask your parents if they can assist you in finding someone to talk to which can be intimidating and complicated for many young adults. Try telling them: “I think it would be good for me to find someone to talk to. I don’t want to worry you. I just have some things on my mind that I’d like to sort out.” Since untreated anxiety leads to depression and persistent depression is a debilitating condition, get some help now before things take a more serious turn.

Don't give up. Something good is around the corner, promise! Learn more about School and Learning  

ADHD and Anger: Tools for Reducing Family Conflict by Starting with Yourself

It’s amazing how a small spark of miscommunication or defiance can trigger an explosion in families, especially those living with ADHD. For kids who struggle with executive functioning challenges including working memory, behavioral control and emotional regulation, parents aren't often sure how to prevent or subdue these fires, symptoms of ADHD and anger, consistently. Instead, you end up playing whack-a-mole--going from one crisis to another and feeling increasingly burned out by the stress from these intense interactions. How can you prepare for the unpredictable nature of angry outbursts, without also resorting to unproductive threats, fruitless punishments and yelling?

Step One: Understand the Root of the Anger

The first thing you need to do is look at the  process of anger instead of focusing on its content.  Your kids can push your buttons like nobody else. It’s almost as if they are wired to know what triggers you and sets things off. You do the same for them. Whether it’s conscious or out of our awareness, family members irritate each other. During this time of hybrid or remote learning with extended and increased family time, everybody’s fuses are short. As parents, we may forget that kids with and without ADHD annoy us and push back for several reasons: 

• • • To get what they want.
    • Because it can be fun to see you get upset.
    • In an effort to create space or separation
    • When they feel upset and can’t contain their feelings
    • To demonstrate independent thinking or actions

Kids with ADHD, because of their slower-to-mature executive functioning skills, may engage in these behaviors with more frequency and intensity than their neurotypical peers. We have to help them learn to manage better by monitoring ourselves first. 

Step Two: Know the Parents' Role

As parents, our job, regardless of how provocative our children and teens may be, is to stay steady, centered and neutral. Of course, it’s tough to be calm when your son is cursing at you because you told him to stop gaming now or your daughter is crying because she’s exceeded her time limit on her phone and wants more. Most of us just want the arguing and tears to stop. So we do whatever it takes to make that happen--even if it means giving in to their demands, backtracking on what we say we were going to do or screaming louder to dominate and frighten them. These solutions will not improve your situation.

Step Three: Give Kids the Tools to Manage Emotions

Kids with ADHD need tools to manage the big, tidal waves of emotion that threaten to swallow them up. Sometimes, they will keep on arguing and pushing you even though they know things will end poorly.Marla, age 14, told me: “I don’t want to give in or I can’t give in. Then I’ve lost.” Letting go seems like another failure. Delay tactics, avoidance, and denial are all methods to distract you from holding onto yourself and choosing a different response.

When young male deer or elk come of age, their antlers are covered in velvet. These bulls need to remove this velvet and they rub against trees to do this. They eat, drink, frolic with comrades and continue to come back to the tree for respite and aide. They need assistance taking off their velvet and transitioning to adulthood. Our children do the same. We are the tree: we stay rooted, we weather storms, we offer protection, we may be punctured by a sharp poke from an antler. But we are steady, dependable and strong. The tree never yells at the elk and tells them to back off and go away. The tree may lack the necessary bark to help with the removal of the velvet and may not be able to meet the buck’s needs. That is okay. The bull can roam elsewhere, eventually returning for another attempt to rub away the remnants of adolescence with the bark of that familiar tree. 

Now I’m not saying parents should be silent trees, absorbing abuse from their children. Rather, I’m advocating a position of self-Control rooted in self-awareness and patience. Of course, you have to set limits about inappropriate language, aggression and harmful behaviors. You are still responsible for the health and welfare of your son or daughter and your own sanity matters. What I’m suggesting is that you use this example as a metaphor: to actively say to yourself when your child is having a meltdown (as one of my clients does), “I’m being the tree. I’m being the tree instead of exploding.” You use it as an affirmation, as an image of strength, as a comfort that this too will pass. 

Step Four: Practice the 4 P's.

Kids have told me over and over that they don’t like conflict in the family any more than their parents do. This is your golden ticket to reducing arguments with them. Follow these steps to change your approach and respond differently when anger rears its ugly head:

• • Predict:

    Although each situation may vary, the process of how your child or teen responds when they are angry is more consistent. What are the types of responses you notice? How were these issues resolved? Jot down some of your ideas. Then schedule a calm time to discuss the anger pattern with your son or daughter using neutral statements such as “I’ve noticed...” or “It seems like...” Share a few observations about your reactions too.

  • Prepare:

    Preparation leads to success. No, you can’t plan for every situation or eventuality but you can have a basic, consistent approach for when someone is showing you with their bodies, words or actions that they are triggered and losing it. Use Stop, Think, Act (see resources) and plan for a Time-Apart until things cool down. Together, make a list of soothers (activities that settle someone down) to assist with this process.

  • Practice:

    Collaborate on how you’ll decide to call for a Time-Apart and which activity to use. Set a time-limit for this period of regrouping. Remember that it takes the nervous system at least twenty minutes to recover from an acute stress reaction which includes intense anger. New skills and patterns require a lot of repetition and scaffolding for them to take hold. Stay patient and take the long view.

  • Pivot:

    If what you are doing in a given moment to respond to a face-off isn’t working, pivot and try something else. Think outside of the box and leave yourself reminders on your phone or Post-its so you don’t have to come up with something when you’re stressed. You want to let your child or teen know that you mean business without yelling or escalating. To that end, make sure you’ve agreed to a fall- back plan that everyone agrees to. The aim of the agreement is collaboration towards changed family dynamics. Set up a non-cooperation clause from the start.

Good luck, breathe deeply and remember: stay rooted to rise up.

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Read more blog posts:

• Tone of Voice Awareness in Neurodiverse Families: How to practice self-regulation in family conflicts
• ADHD and Anger in the Family: Manage Outbursts with STOP-THINK-ACT
• ADHD and Negativity: Why ADHD kids and teens say “No” and how to help them communicate

Watch on YouTube:

• ADHD and Oppositional Defiance (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
• Anger Management with ADHD (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
• How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)

Deeper Dive: Anger Management and ADHD https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Socializing in a Pandemic

People who are very engaged in social media must use caution to ensure that they don't place more value on their virtual friends, or how many or few they have, versus their in-person relationships. We can all get distracted by the online world, believing that things are happening without us (FOMO: Fear of Missing Out) or feeling pressure to respond to posts immediately. This focus means that we may well struggle with interpersonal conversations, especially about difficult subjects, in real time, face-to-face with true friends. I recommend to all my clients, especially those with ADHD who can struggle socially, that sending messages or ‘talking’ online, where you don’t often see another person’s reaction, can possibly make you misinterpret their intentions. In relationship, we have to learn through interpersonal communication and time spent together in the same space to read each other’s emotional weather report and respond appropriately. When people spend more time engaged with each other rather than their screens, they perceive and understand social nuances and learn how to deal with positive and negative feelings with empathy and consideration. This enriches relationships and deepens connections. Read more:

ADHD and Screen Sanity: Why a digital break is good for everybody right now

Millennial Loneliness and Depression

Change those habits that hurt mental health: Do something different today!

With everybody struggling now more than ever, I see a few major habits in my clients living with ADHD that hurt their mental health more than help them. Let's look at these behaviors and explore how you can make a few shifts that will improve your family's daily living and relationships. Instead of trying to change all of these at once, pick one to work on at a time. Notice any progress with specific praise and be patient. Change take time and practice.

1. Spending too much time on social media: Social media not only seems to use up time faster than everybody notices but it also is built to so that people compare themselves to others. These comparisons are rarely favorable and people walk away with not feeling positive about themselves. As one adolescent girl told me, “No one ever posts pictures of their face mid-menstrual break-out or of their bombed test grade.” Kids feel pressured to keep up with friends, stay in touch and maintain an image that they’ve created. For kids with ADHD who often struggle socially, this creates more stress in their lives. This tension interrupts their ability to reflect on themselves, what they think and create a sturdy sense of self. Solution: Make sure your son or daughter has in-person, COVID safe interactions with peers to balance online socializing. Talk about FOMO and explore the difference between what kids worry about in their minds and what's actually happening with their friends. Help them create a conversation starter if they are shy or a practiced response when they overwhelmed. Many kids with ADHD need help having a phrase or two in their vocabulary to facilitate connections with peers. Talk with them about the cultivated images other kids post about themselves and how those may contrast with who they are inside. Normalize their insecurities and social challenges and experiences most kids deal with as part of growing up.
2. Eating meals on the run:  So many kids eat fast food or grab something to munch while watching Youtube videos. Many families eat dinner in front of the television with little conversation. Sitting together to healthy meals build connections while modeling how to slow down and eat socially. When kids rush to gobble a slice of pizza and chips, they’re not providing their brains or bodies with the appropriate fuel needed to think and function well. Solution: Sharing a meal is not only good for our physiology but it also provides an opportunity to connect with people face-to-face and talk about our lives. During a sit down meal, our bodies slow down and properly digest our food so we can absorb the nutrients and simultaneously take a much-needed break from the chaos of our lives. Set aside a few times per week to have a family meal if you can't do this nightly. Ask your son or daughter about "a high and a low or a happy and a crappy" moment that happened during the day. Even if the meal is short, you're showing them the importance of healthy eating and how meals are social events.
3. Having arguments via texting, messaging or emailing: Disagreements that happen over texts can often inflame situations instead of lowering tension. Kids often say things over text that they wouldn't say in person either because the statements are inappropriate or because young people lack the courage to communicate their thoughts this way. Since we can't see or perceive the effects of what we are saying via online communication, there’s no way to detect how how the other person is perceiving those words and feeling inside. It’s easier to disengage and avoid accountability for your words and actions. Solution: When we communicate face-to-face, we can detect these reactions. Kids need to learn and practice interactional skills not only for healthy personal relationships but also for school and other life situations where they have to deal with others. Practice direct communication at home with attentive awareness. Give neutral feedback when you notice your son or daughter is upset by saying "I heard you say X, did I get that right?" or "I notice that you are starting to raise your voice. Can you please change your tone?" Ask them to notice your facial reaction and what this is showing them. This helps them become more attuned to the impact of their words and actions on others. Brainstorm other ways to deal with relationship issues so they understand the options they can rely on. 

ADHD and Screen Sanity: Why a digital break is good for everybody right now

For many students, families and educators this fall, school as we’ve known has changed. Hybrid or remote learning means spending up to seven hours daily online for classes and then more time for homework. Many kids like to relax and connect with their friends via gaming, social media apps or FaceTime. Can overusing technology be a problem for the mental health of kids with ADHD? Can it lead to emotional and/or behavioral difficulties? How can you help your family better manage ADHD and screens at home?

Concerns about ADHD and screen overload

Mood and social connections

When kids with or without ADHD spend too much time on screens, they often become more irritable, lose skills for entertaining themselves and develop fewer critical relationship skills (such as reading facial cues and body language, even with masks on).

Movement and exercise

Risks for obesity increase as the lack of physical exercise and fitness goes down. Exercise, on the other hand, would produce important endorphins and hormones that improve emotional as well as physical well-being.

Anxiety and FOMO

Many of kids and teens with ADHD are already prone to anxiety or dealing with anxiety disorders: 34% of kids with ADHD have a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder. They can become more anxious--worried about FOMO (fear of missing out)--about what they are missing online or how to engage with peers virtually. Many feel pressured to upgrade to new and better equipment. In addition, isolation from less in-person peer contact intensifies the possibilities of depression and social anxiety. The combination of ADHD and screen overload makes it hard to learn and practice skills such as reading facial cues or body signals, having casual conversations or nurturing friendships.

Manage ADHD and screen time with regular digital breaks

A daily, if not weekly, digital break is an effective tool for improving mental health and giving technologically overtaxed eyes and brains time to recoup. By taking a break from being online, children and teens with ADHD can focus on other areas of their lives. They can nurture interests, activities and interpersonal relationships. They’ll connect to and develop other parts of themselves that improve self-esteem and foster positive moods. Whether it’s cooking, shooting hoops, listening to music or walking the dog, their brains and their eyes need time to recover from processing visual information.

Aim for consistency

Set aside some time each day or maybe once per week without technology. Meals are a good place to start. Then, if you can, expand this to a few hours or even one day a week.

Include the whole family

Creating a digital break doesn’t have to incite meltdowns and explosive family arguments. If you make it something everybody does, then it’s more likely to go over better. What kids, especially those with ADHD, can’t stand is when parents tell them to get off their devices while their parents stay on their own phones or iPads. Of course, you may need to make a plan with extended family or work for handling emergencies. Clarify this exception right from the start.

Make it fun for everyone!

Instead of “doing nothing” during this time, or only dreaded chores, plan a fun family activity that may include raking leaves followed by ice cream. Or, ride a bike or take a walk to a favorite taqueria. Even thirty minutes daily can offer much-needed relief and give you a chance to interact as a family. If you’re lost about ways to start a conversation, try asking about “a happy and a crappy” of the day or week. One of my clients shared this with me and I laughed aloud. It sounded more fun than my simple “a high and a low.”

Maintaining ADHD and screen sanity in the long run

By taking these breaks from various types of digital life, you can give your family and yourself some space to do something else without FOMO. Everything--social media, gaming, surfing the net--will still be there when you return. While managing ADHD and screen time with a digital break will be challenging at first, the long-term pay-offs are worth it. Stick with it, and negotiate the terms of how and what screen-free time looks like. Expect pushback, and do it anyway. You've got this!

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Learn more:

• ADHD and Technology: Sensible Solutions to Screen (In)Sanity
• Kick off the Summer with 6 Easy Strategies for Better Living with ADHD

https://drsharonsaline.com/product/managing-technology-families-video/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/online-learning-tips-for-parents-bundle/

What We Eat is Something We Can Control Now

During this pandemic, we all are experiencing heightened anxiety and there is so much we can't control. What we eat is luckily something we can control now. Some foods are good for our physical, emotional well-being, and some are not.

Although I am not a medical doctor, I've observed that foods do have an impact on us:

Anxiety - Food that is especially sugary or those with a lot of caffeine can increase someone's agitation and then make them more prone to anxiety. Sometimes ginseng can do this as well.

I think herbal teas such as chamomile or those with other calming properties can be extremely useful.

What amount of food should people eat? - Eating slowly and mindfully can help reduce intake. Often when people eat quickly or standing up, their bodies don't have a chance to metabolize the food and recognized that they are sated. Often overeating happens with rushing, or when certain moods kick in. Some people eat when they feel anxious; others can't eat. It's really an individual response. Whether or not you have an anxiety disorder or 'just feel anxious sometimes,' the feeling of anxiety is the same. The difference is one of frequency and intensity.

Learn more about anxiety

Purchase Anxiety Worksheet

How to Nurture Yourself When Preparing for Back to School

It’s essential for parents and caregivers to take care of themselves during these times because we’re talking about a marathon, not a sprint. When you listen to the talk on an airplane about oxygen masks, you’re told to put one on yourself first and then on a child. It’s the same principle here. Factoring in self-care to an already full life of work, family and now hybrid learning can be complicated. In fact, it’s usually the first thing to go out the window when people are stressed when it should be one of the last. You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of others. Exercise, nutrition and emotional support are key elements to helping you run this long, arduous race. Here are a few tips:

1. Get some physical exercise:  Not only will your body and your brain benefit enormously from the endorphins that exercise produces but you will also feel less resentful because you’ve done something good for yourself in the midst of all of the stress in your list. Make a list of two types of activities you could actually do: one at home and one before or after school. For the first list, include taking the stairs or seated/wall yoga poses to do when you need a break. For the second list, identify times and activities of exercise that you ENJOY and want to do. Decide how often you can do something and put it on your calendar with a reminder alarm. The goal is to use your body to help you let go of stress, not to get into the best shape of your life.
2. Eat well: Many parent are tired of cooking and shopping so you may have limited food selections or they’re not what you desire. You need fuel for this marathon so make a list of healthy snacks to purchase the next time you go to the grocery store. 
3. Ask your friends for assistance: People who care about you often feel confused about how to help you so they’re happy to do lend an ear, or bring dinner. When I ask a friend how I could help, she asked me to go to Trader Joe’s and buy her a container of dark chocolate pecan candies. I was so happy to do this. For the next six months I bought her a package of the candies. My friend was very appreciative, and even though it was a small thing, I felt like I was easing her burden in some way. 
4. Meditation: Take some each evening before bed or each morning as you awaken to be with yourself. Guided meditations on Apps such as Headspace, Mindful or Insight Timer can be a great way to start or end your day (or both) with a sense of personal calm, insight and hope. This internal spacial-ness will assist you as you deal with the chaos of caretaking. 

Read more on how to manage life during COVID    

At-Home Learning with ADHD: Creating an ADHD-friendly learning environment

Studying in bed? Doing homework on the couch while watching television? Hybrid and remote learning are challenging for so many kids and parents. If you want your child or teen with ADHD to show up for their remote classes with focus and concentrate on their homework/classwork, they’ve got to have a designated study space. For many students with attention or learning challenges, going to class in their rooms with their doors closed may well mean that they are multitasking, distracted and switching from school to social media or gaming. Despite their pushback and complaining, they need an ADHD-friendly environment to help them thrive with at-home learning with ADHD.

School is still in session.

While it’s important to empathize with your kids' boredom or frustration, you’ve also got to make sure they can get their work (or some of their work) done each day.

In addition to establishing a thoughtful daily plan, you can facilitate academic focus and participation by putting together a home study spot. These study spaces don’t have to break the bank. What’s most important is that you’re clarifying what it means to be working versus what it means to be off-duty and where this activity will occur. When kids with ADHD and learning challenges have routines and areas that are dedicated to learning, it’s easier to begin and stick with academic tasks. 

Of course, you can’t reproduce school at home. But you can set up an environment that mimics school as much as possible. This aids kids to enter a space that is conducive to thinking and study while simultaneously fosters the organization of their materials, books and technological devices. Remember, you’re entitled to having IEP and 504 accommodations during this time, so ask your school for any resources or tips you may need.

Create a supportive at-home learning environment for kids and teens with ADHD:

1. Create a weekly family meeting.

This is a time to discuss expectations, concerns, review routines and study plans and explore options for things that aren’t working. When you have a weekly meeting, everybody knows that they talk about what they like and what they don’t at a specific time just for that purpose. Some families do this twice a week for shorter discussions; others do it once a week for longer check-ins. Brainstorm what will work with your kids: when they participate in creating a plan, they’ll have more buy-in. Of course, as the parent, you get to make the final decision but please take their opinions into consideration.

2. Make a daily routine and post it.

Kids with ADHD especially benefit from some structure and knowing what to expect. Break up the day into blocks of time forgoing to classes, studying on their own (worksheets, projects, assignments), movement and snack breaks, lunch, going outside, homework, chores and fun screen time.

Be as specific or general depending on what suits your child or teen. Some kids like having activity periods and they can choose what to do from an agreed upon list; others like a more predictable plan. There's no one-size fits all for at-home learning with ADHD.

Whatever you choose, post write it down and post it in the kitchen and in their bedroom. Visual reminders are key for these alternative learners. Try to work alongside your kids or in their presence so it’s clear that certain blocks of time are family work time. Then you can observe their level of participation, take breaks together or offer academic support. 

3. Name a study space and personalize it.

Whether it’s the same spot at the kitchen table, a folding tray that you set up each morning or a desk in a common office, decide where your child will study. Make sure your kids have headphones and are separated into different rooms or different areas of the same room. 

Consider getting desk dividers if you have more than one child at home are they are sharing a table. Adjust their screen height so it’s at eye level to avoid neck and back pain, the brightness to reduce eye strain and make sure their feet can reach the floor so they are grounded.

Put together a special storage space like a locker for their books, notebooks or other supplies: use a plastic box, milk crate or make a cubby. This will help them organize their stuff. Discuss how they can personalize or decorate their home study space to make it more comfortable and inviting.

4. Foster time management.

Kids with ADHD often struggle with time blindness. They don’t understand what time feels like, and they’re not aware how to keep track of it. Purchase an analogue clock or timer to teach them this skill. They need to see time move to grasp it.

Help kids engaged in at-home learning who have ADHD use technology to their advantage--set up alerts and alarms on their phones, or use banners on their devices as reminders. Put these clocks and timers in their study space.

If your child or teen has trouble with time management or completing assignments, talk to the school and ask for assistance.

5. Practice empathy.

Just as it is hard for you to get things done at home sometimes, it’s even harder for your child or teen. Instead of anger and resentment, go with compassion. Most kids don’t want to learn from home any more than you want them there.

In those tough moments, manage yourself before dealing with your son or daughter. When you’re calmer, you can be more open and caring towards them. They simply don’t have the mature brain that you do to process all of this disappointment, isolation and distress.

If they are getting upset, they are showing you that they lack the personal resources needed for the task at hand.Acknowledge their frustration first; problem-solve later. Your empathy will go a long way to diffusing the intensity of their situation and build deeper, lasting connections.

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Read more blog posts:

• ADHD Teens and Remote Learning: 5 tips for learning success
• Back to School with ADHD and COVID Uncertainty (again)
• Returning to School with ADHD: Tips on helping anxious kids transition smoothly

Watch on Dr. Saline's YouTube Channel:

• How to Help Your Children Transition Back to School Smoothly (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal interviews Dr. Saline)
• ADHD Students: Tips for Transitioning Back to In-person Learning (ADDitude ADHD Parenting Q&A with Dr. Saline)
• Help Your Kid Overcome School Anxiety (Operation Parent Webinar with Dr. Saline)

Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/online-learning-tips-for-parents-bundle/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/  

Millennial Loneliness and Depression

It can be hard to make friends as adults:

People often feel like it’s hard to make friends as an adult because, quite frankly, it is. When we are in college or technical school, we have a community made for us and we share common goals and interests. We spend time each day or week together. You don’t have to look far for peers because they are all around you. Once young adults have transitioned to living on their and working full-time, the social networks are less obvious. You may have friends at work or you may not. In addition, you may be living in a new place where you lack historical connections to people or a familiar community. Be shy and/or suffering from social anxiety doesn't help either. Millennial loneliness and depression is real and a challenge to cope with.

Social media increases millennial loneliness:

Women in particular are socialized to develop a sense of themselves based on their relationships. These interpersonal networks help define us and give us purpose. Social media increases loneliness: women have superficial contact with others, often based on short text exchanges, photos or quick responses. Girls and women are developing an inner notion of who they are based on the number of likes they have and how engaged they are online with others. Ultimately, these ways of relating with others are less satisfying than in-person conversations, time spent together and sharing real time experiences.

Aim for Balance:

To build a community, aim for balance between social media and real time interactions. Folks need a few friends, not an entire posse, to feel like they matter and make a difference. Meet up with friends and talk in person more than texting, Snapchat or Instagram conversations. Pursue what interests you and join a club, take a class or volunteer for an organization. By participating in these activities, you’ll make natural relationships, share experiences and build a stronger sense of self to feel less lonely and more fulfilled.

Watch Dr. Saline's advice on depression, loneliness and teens and millennials.

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Learn more:

• The Truth about ADHD in Girls and 5 Ways You Can Help

4 Straight-forward, Practical Hacks for Managing Your Anxiety TODAY

It’s natural for parents to feel stressed and anxious right now. Whether your kids are going back to school in person or a hybrid learning situation, there are complicated issues facing families everywhere. Anxiety wants security and certainty and, with COVID related risks,  we just don’t have much of that these days. To help you manage your anxiety, try these tools:

1. Identify what you can control: Rather than focusing on what might happen and the possible negative outcomes from that, shift your attention to proactive action. What steps can you take to protect your child and yourself as much as possible? Get as informed as you can about your school’s policies and decide whether those make sense to you and your family. If not, explore what choices make you feel most comfortable. Give your student the tools they’ll need. Provide your child or teen with masks and hand sanitizer. Show them what physical distancing looks like: use a tape measure to demonstrate six feet. Review hand-washing techniques and the importance of not sharing food or drinks. Set up a routing of hand sanitization when they come home from school. 
2. Brainstorm solutions to challenging social situations: Your kids will need some help figuring out what to say when other kids aren’t wearing masks or social distancing. When you work on this together, you’ll lower your anxiety as well as theirs. Create a few easy-to-remember statements with them such as “I’d like to play with you during recess. Will you wear a mask to make it safe for us?” Or, “I’m sorry but I’m not sharing my lunch these days but your sandwich sure looks good.” Or, “I’d love to come over and hang out but I have to check with my parents.” When kids have clear language that gives them a way out of sticky situations, they’ll be less likely to succumb to peer pressure. This will be reassuring for you.
3. Put a centering activity into your daily routine: Whether it’s five or thirty minutes of meditation or yoga, a walk, run or bike ride outside or dancing to your favorite song each morning, find something that makes you feel good and do it. We need those wonderful endorphins from exercise now more than ever. The benefits from daily yoga and/or meditation will help you practice how to monitor your reactivity and use your breath or slow movements to calm yourself down during those inevitable stressful moments. Make a list of quick calm-me-down activities when you feel nervous that includes changing your environment (go to a different room or get a breath of fresh air), drinking a glass of water, saying a positive affirmation that you believe or going to the bathroom and splashing water on your face.
4. Recall past successes in times of stress: Anxiety is very skilled at fostering amnesia about our personal resources and strengths. In a quiet moment, think about some challenging times in the past and how you overcame them. What personality traits and life skills assisted you? How can you apply those strengths to this situation? Write down some of your reflections so you can refer to them in a tough time. Ask for support from caring friends and family members to help you use some of these tools when you’re feeling particularly worried.

Help! My Teen is So Unmotivated This Summer!

Teens experience a few types of academic burnout depending on their individual situations. For neurotypical kids, academic burnout usually arises towards the end of the semester when they are burdened with final tests, projects and paper in addition to their other commitments such as sports, music or theater or work. For high-achieving kids who are taking AP classes, preparing for AP tests can add to their stress. For juniors in high school who additionally have to take the SAT’s or ACT’s for college, it can be overwhelming. They can become exhausted with how much they have to do.

Neurotypical Kids:

As a parent of these types of teens, your primary job is helping them maintain balance and perspective in their lives. Work with them to create a study/life schedule that allows for some down time each day. Don’t orchestrate what they should do during that time though. Instead brainstorm some healthy options other than screens such as cooking, walking the dog, going for a run, listening to music or even watching a single show with you. If they want to mess around on their phone a bit to "chill", keep it (like tv) time limited. Teen brains especially need some non-screen to decompress and integrate all of the information they are learning and processing during the day.

Neurodiverse Kids:

For kids with ADHD, learning disabilities or autism spectrum disorders, burnout  can occur more frequently and more intensely. Working hard to hold it together at school all day takes a lot of effort and concentration for these teens. They spend a lot of their time doing academic tasks that are hard, boring or unpleasant. By mid-semester, their efforts may not be panning out as they had hoped and they become discouraged and uninterested in doing the work.

While the recommendations above for neurotypical kids apply equally to these teens, teens who are outside-the-box thinkers benefit from additional parental support in creating shorter work periods with timed breaks, specific tasks to accomplish in those work periods and acknowledgement of their efforts towards working towards goals, even if they are not fully met. This validation encourages them to keep going. Family work time, when parents and kids work side-by-side on their stuff, also helps teens stay on track because adults can monitor them without being intrusive.

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Learn more:

• Read ADHD and Motivation: How stress reduces productivity and what you can do about it
• Watch Tips on Beating Pandemic Boredom

Dealing with Defiant ADHD Teens and Tweens in this Strange COVID Summer

Now, more than ever, there seems to be very little we can predict and hold onto. Everyday, we hear new reports about climbing COVID cases as we struggle to practice safety measures, keep up with work, manage bored kids and keep our sanity intact. It can all feel too much to handle. Of course, in the midst of trying to keep your head above the water, there’s nothing like a defiant ADHD teen or tween to put you over the edge. How do you cope with the overwhelming stress? What can you do to help your child manage their big feelings and reduce family conflict?

Why teens and tweens with ADHD are engaging in more defiant behavior

Angry and frustrated with the many changes to their lives wrought by COVID, and feeling helpless to do anything, many kids are acting out in ways that are often inappropriate. It seems that they’ve taken a giant step backwards in managing their distress. With their executive functioning challenges related to emotional and impulse control, scattered kids are prone to intense pushback and aggressive anger. Teens and tweens with ADHD, whose brains mature more slowly than their neurotypical peers, are particularly torn between what they would like to be capable of doing and what they can actually accomplish. They’re often very frustrated with themselves, and, unable to tolerate their shame, act out their personal dissatisfaction towards others--often their parents. They unconsciously want you to make it better for them, just like a young child would. Teens are still struggling with how to tolerate disappointment appropriately and how to pivot when faced with limits they don’t like. With all of the changes surrounding COVID and losses of familiar and beloved activities, the natural challenges with shifting, flexibility and planning for transitions for many kids with ADHD are intensified. Of course, when they are triggered, emotional and verbal impulse control fly out of the window. 

Underneath all of their bluster, many defiant ADHD teens and tweens suffer from low self-esteem and shame. They need tools for expressing themselves appropriately and signs of parental support for their attempts to use these techniques, even if they're not completely successful. You've got to remember that, while they may seem to enjoy the sense of power in the moment, they really don't like the conflict any more than you do. It's just that they lack certain skills which could help them.

Steps to disrupting cycles of defiance for ADHD teens and tweens:

1. Acknowledge their frustration:

Instead of convincing your defiant ADHD teen or tween why things aren't the way that they perceive them, validate their feelings. Mirror what you hear them saying with language like, "I hear that you are upset about X" or, "What you're telling me is Y." When kids feel seen and heard, they'll begin to slow down.

2. Set ground rules about acceptable behavior:

Discuss with your kids what ways of expressing anger or displeasure is appropriate and what are not. Be specific about language and physical actions. In addition, set up incentives for cooperating and logical consequences for obstruction. For instance, "If you curse at me, you will not earn the privilege of your phone for the rest of the day."  Or, "If you can go through a day and not scream or break something, you'll earn extra screen time." Work with incentives that matter to them. 

3. Plan for arguments:

Let's face it, you will get into fights. Instead of being surprised each time this happens, identify signs that you are heading into the red zone and how to take a planned, timed break. Make a list of acceptable choices for this "Calm-me-down" time and post it in the kitchen and bedrooms. Separate for an agreed-upon time until you can re-convene without hot tempers from defiant ADHD teens or tweens. For some kids, this break may need to be a few hours. That's okay. 

4. Decide what's next:

Instead of trying to teach a lesson, talk about what's needed to move on. Ask questions, listen and reflect back what you hear. Wonder about alternative choices you both could have made in that instant or could make in the future. Collaborate on an action for moving on. Refer back to your agreement about ground rules while staying compassionate but firm. You can talk about any lessons at another time, perhaps the next day in the car or perhaps at a scheduled hour. It's really important to notice and validate the activities and emotions that your defiant teen is becoming triggered. This type of validation will lower their rage and shame. Your goal is to cool the flames in the moment and follow your collaborative agreement. Teaching lessons will come later.

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Learn more:

• ADHD and Anger in the Family: Manage Outbursts with STOP-THINK-ACT
• Teens and Young Adults in the Pandemic

Feeling low? Tips for keeping your sense of humor amidst the uncertainty

It’s really tough to stand in uncertainty and, right now, people around the globe are facing this challenge as best they can. With all of the confusion about whether to send kids back to school and how to manage hybrid or home learning while working, many parents are wrestling with anxiety, frustration and hopelessness. There are just no clear guidelines about what to do or how to move forward. As parents of kids with ADHD, you’re used to facing struggles at home. Issues related to impulsivity, inattention, disorganization among other executive functioning skills can fray your nerves when there’s not a pandemic. Living in close quarters, dealing with food, housing, work or educational insecurity, you’ve probably lost your temper a few more times recently than you would have liked.  While regrets can foster change, judging yourself unkindly only makes matter worse. Instead, let’s try to practice self-compassion through humor.  Having a sense of humor when raising kids is an essential tool for any parent. Children can expand your heart and push your buttons like no one else. Being able to laugh at what happens, at your reactions and sometimes at life itself helps ease the journey, especially right now. Everybody does things they’re proud of as a parent and things that they wish they hadn’t. Having compassion for yourself when you stumble enables you to giggle at your foibles without bombarding yourself with shame. Self-blame or criticism of others often intensifies small incidents into full-blown explosions. Maintaining a sense of humor reduces the chances of a conflagration.  As the parent, you need to set the example for your kids by using a tone that brings humor, boundaries and self-reflection to the unprecedented situations we are facing.  For example, when your child or teen with ADHD speaks to you in a disrespectful tone, you have a choice. You can angrily tell them “You’re not allowed to speak to me that way. Go to your room.” Or, you can say: “Fresh is for vegetables, not speaking to me like that.” The first option throws fuel on the fire; the second one, dampens the flames. If your teenage son gets into your car, plugs in his phone and listens to rap music loudly that he knows you hate, you could tell him that he’s being selfish and entitled and unplug his phone. Or, you could learn some of the lyrics to his favorite songs and sing along. That will certainly change the dynamic in the car and likely make you both smile. You’re managing your own reaction with humor and not responding negatively.  We need some laughs--any humor--to alleviate our stress and worrying. I’m not talking about  ignoring the complex reality you are dealing with, but rather pivoting to something lighter temporarily. Put some reminders about positive attitudes and quick comebacks. Consider watching some old family videos (kids love to see themselves when they were younger); make a family movie night with favorite comedy and popcorn; play a silly game together (Mad Libs, charades, Sorry); crank the music and dance in your living room. Using self-control and creativity to look at yourself and your reactions differently, you shift conversations and situations away from annoyance or aggravation by injecting some levity. You’re not only modeling this for your kids as an effective coping tool, you’ll feel better and they will too.

What's the Difference Between Nervousness and Anxiety?

Recently, a parent asked me to answer this question. He wanted to understand when his child's frequent worrying should be evaluated by a mental health practitioner or a primary care provider. In these tense and confusing times, it's easy to confuse normal feelings of nervousness with more debilitating anxiety. Here are two basic definitions that can clear up any questions you may have. Feeling nervous is different that feeling anxious in terms of intensity, frequency and focus. Nervousness, like anxiety, is experienced cognitively and physically but it doesn’t stop you from doing something. Nervousness is a temporary feeling of insecurity related to specific concerns about a new or stressful situation. Usually these concerns go away once you’ve mastered the tasks associated with that situation or lived through and managed it successfully. You’ll feel nervous with a flutter in your stomach or some perspiration about doing something like getting a flu shot or going to see a friend for the first time in months, but you’ll do these things anyway. Anxiety disorders are more debilitating and persistent, reflecting repeated all or nothing thinking, negative expectations of events and an inability to tolerate uncertainty. They can be related to general or specific fears that don’t go away despite positive experiences of successfully overcoming them. Although anxiety can be adaptive by helping us prepare for real danger, anxiety disorders involve the experience of a natural emotion at an inappropriate time and to an excessive degree. Sometimes there can be episodes of fear or worry in the absence of a genuine threat. Whether it’s a true emergency or a false alarm, anxiety disorders distort your perceptions and create uncomfortable bodily states including racing heart rate and shortness of breath. Most people try to avoid whatever triggers the anxiety which, outside of crisis management, actually makes it worse. Instead, it’s most helpful to identify what triggers your anxiety, your typical, distressful reactions and brainstorm alternative responses. The goal for reducing anxiety is learning how to tolerate the discomfort that comes from uncertainty and realistically assess the safety of a given situation. For example, your child may be very anxious about being stung by a bee, refusing to spend any time outside. You will have to work with her to go outdoors slowly, by increasing the minutes she successfully tolerates the fresh air each day. We want her to learn that she can worry about bee stings and live through her fear. She'll likely need to create and use self-calming phrases such as "I don't see any bees around me," "Bees want pollen" or "A sting will hurt less than getting my ears pierced." She's learning to how to manage her anxiety and you are supporting her budding confidence. Whether your child or teen is dealing with nervousness or anxiety, they need to figure out a strategy for self-soothing. You won't always be there to reassure them that things will be okay. Practice some phrases and calming behaviors outside of challenging situations  so they're familiar enough for kids to summon up when needed.

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More Tips for Dealing with Defiant ADHD Tweens and Teens in This Strange COVID Summer

Now, more than ever, there seems to be very little we can predict and hold onto. Every day we hear new reports about climbing COVID cases as we struggle to practice safety measures, keep up with work, manage bored kids and keep our sanity intact. It can all feel like too much.

Of course, in the midst of trying to keep your head above your water, there’s nothing like a defiant tween or teen with ADHD to put you over the edge. Angry and frustrated with the many changes to their lives wrought by COVID and feeling helpless to do anything, many kids are acting out in ways that are often inappropriate. It seems that they’ve taken a giant step backwards in managing their distress. With their executive functioning challenges related to emotional and impulse control, scattered kids are prone to intense pushback and aggressive anger. What can you do to help them manage their big feelings and reduce family conflict?

Coping with ADHS and the dramatic changes from COVID pandemic

Teens and tweens with ADHD whose brains mature more slowly than their neurotypical peers are particularly torn between what they would like to be capable of doing and what they can actually accomplish. They’re often very frustrated with themselves and, unable to tolerate their shame, act out their personal dissatisfaction towards others--often their parents. They unconsciously want you to make it better for them, just like a young child would. Teens are still struggling with how to tolerate disappointment appropriately and how to pivot when faced with limits they don’t like.

With all of the changes surrounding COVID and losses of familiar and beloved activities, the natural challenges with shifting, flexibility and planning for transitions for many kids with ADHD are intensified. Of course, when they are triggered, emotional and verbal impulse control fly out of the window.

Recognizing shame in ADHD tweens and teens

Underneath all of their bluster, many defiant tweens and teens suffer from low self-esteem and shame. They need tools for expressing themselves appropriately and signs of parental support for their attempts to use these techniques, even if they're not completely successful. You've got to remember that, while they may seem to enjoy the sense of power in the moment, they really don't like the conflict any more than you do. It's just that they lack skills.  

Follow these steps to change the cycle of defiance: 

1. Acknowledge their frustration

Instead of convincing your tween or teen why things aren't the way they perceive them, validate their feelings. Mirror what you hear them say with language like "I hear that you are upset about X" or "What you're telling me is Y." When kids feel seen and heard, they'll begin to slow down.

2. Set ground rules about acceptable behavior

Discuss with them what ways of expressing anger or displeasure is appropriate and what are not. Be specific about language and physical actions. Set up incentives for cooperating and logical consequences for obstruction. For instance, "If you curse at me, you will not earn the privilege of your phone for the rest of the day."  Or, "If you can go through a day and not scream or break something, you'll earn extra screen time." Work with incentives that matter to them. 

3. Plan for arguments

Let's face it, you will get into fights. Instead of being surprised each time this happens, identify signs that you are heading into the red zone and how to take a planned, timed break. Make a list of acceptable choices for this "Calm-me-down" time and post it in the kitchen and bedrooms. Separate for an agreed-upon time until you can re-convene without hot tempers. For some kids, this break may need to be a few hours. That's okay. 

4. Decide what's next

Instead of trying to teach a lesson, talk about what's needed to move on. Ask questions, listen and reflect back what you hear. Wonder about alternative choices you both could have made in that instant or could make in the future.  Collaborate on an action for moving on. Refer back to your agreement about ground rules while staying compassionate but firm. You can talk about any lessons at another time, perhaps the next day in the car or perhaps at a scheduled hour.

It's really important to notice and validate the activities and emotions that your defiant teen is becoming triggered. This type of validation will lower their rage and shame. Your goal is to cool the flames in the moment and follow your collaborative agreement. Teaching lessons will come later.

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What's a Normal Level of Anxiety?

Stress and anxiety are connected but also different. Stress is related to feeling overwhelmed and incapable of managing the things that you have to do. Productive stress motivates you to get stuff done; poisonous stress contributes to worry and anxiety. You can’t get things accomplished to feel a sense of satisfaction. Stress can also be related to life circumstances such as poverty, illness and racism that cause you distress but have not clear resolution in sight.

Anxiety is a natural physiological and psychological response related to fears and worries. Panic, irrational thinking, reactivity, increased heart rate, perspiration, shortness of breath or insomnia are all signs of anxiety. Anxiety is about safety and security. Anxiety arises because people want to make uncomfortable feelings and uncertainty go away immediately--whether these concerns are based in reality or distorted and based on negative expectancy. Anxiety disorders often have a negative impact on several areas of someone’s functioning simultaneously.

It’s common for people to experience some type of anxiety seen as worry, dread, fear or distress. Some nervousness in a new situation or worry about chronic stress is expected. If these concerns fail to go away once you’ve learned how to manage the worry or stress and you experience persistent anxiety that is interfering with daily living, healthy choices, mood stability, or functioning at work, anxiety has become problematic and needs treatment. If your anxiety is higher than normal, first consult with your doctor to rule out any medical causes. Then, you’ve got to learn some tools to manage it. Meditation, yoga, daily exercise, therapy and medication can be extremely useful in reducing anxiety. You’ll benefit from learning how to soothe yourself and confront anxious, distorted thoughts to reduce their intensity. Don’t try to remove anxiety from your life: it doesn’t work because we need some anxiety to function, protect and aid us in dangerous or challenging situations. Instead, focus on anxiety reduction so that you feel like you have more control over it. The goal is teaching yourself how to manage the volume button on your anxiety rather than having blast you at full volume with its fears and worries.

Read more about Anxiety, depression and more

Tired of Adolescent Pushback? Here's how to Understand and Cope with Defiant Teens

Teenagers can push your buttons like no one else. Teens with ADHD--living through the hormonal turmoil of adolescence in addition to struggling with executive functioning challenges such as impulse and emotional control, organization and motivation,  can simultaneously need your support and reject your concern. Unable to skillfully self-regulate, small issues can escalate into volcanic eruptions within seconds. The conflict is as frustrating for you as it is distressing for them. Nobody wants to live in a home marked by anger, yelling and unhappiness amidst frequent provocations. How can you reduce your family's arguments and find better alternatives? Teenagers push back against their parents as part of their quest to answer the two major developmental issues of adolescence: “Who am I?” and “Where do I belong?” When teens are defiant--rebelling and questioning adult authority--their behavior reflects their burgeoning efforts to separate from their parents and other caring adults while still maintaining their connection. Learning to navigating these attachments while forming your own identity is extremely complicated. It’s a push-pull dynamic inside of them. They want to exercise their independence by making their own decisions and rejecting parental directives but they also rely on their folks for support, guidance and acceptance. They feel confused and resentful but lack the self-awareness and maturity to make more effective choices. Defiance is a relationship problem: communication has broken down and no one feels listened to. Teens become increasingly defiant and reactive when they feel like their needs or opinions are unseen and unacknowledged. They are still struggling with how to pivot when faced with limits they don’t like and tolerate disappointment. As their parents, they need you to meet them where they are: to focus more on your relationship than being right. Expect their  pushback and create a predictable plan for dealing with it--regardless of the content. It’s okay for teens to feel angry at their parents for saying “NO” but it’s not acceptable to rage at them, to break things, to damage the house or threaten others. Defiant teens often feel bad about themselves after these episodes. They regret their outbursts but will frequently hide their shame rather than let you see their vulnerability. What they need are tools to manage their intense feelings: 

• Increase their body awareness when they are becoming activated: Identify the signs that things are heating up. 
• Discuss clear actions for calming down (listening to music, going for a walk or run and texting with a friend): Write these down and post them. 
• Review options for what to do or say when they are upset instead of acting their feelings out. Create a few  “If this, then that” phrases such as “If I don’t like what you are saying, then I’ll say that instead of cursing at you or calling you names.’
• Acknowledge their efforts whenever they try to make different choices and when they succeed in behaving in alternative, more effective ways. “I see that you really tried to manage your temper for several minutes. That’s progress.” 
• Use incentives that matter to your adolescent and link these to the behavioral changes you want to see. When defiant teens have input, they have better buy-in. 

Remember, they don’t want conflict in your home any more than you do. They just don’t see other ways to get what they want. Working collaboratively and using STOP, THINK, ACT can further reduce your arguments and their surliness:

1. Plan for disagreements: STOP: In a calm moment, acknowledge that you will inevitably clash over issues. Instead of heading towards WWIII, create a plan for calling a STOP in the action. The goal of this Time Apart is to cool down before brainstorming any solutions. Set a specific amount of time for this Time Apart, usually around 15 minutes is long enough for the adrenalin-fueled system to calm down. Describe signs and behaviors that indicate this is needed. Make a list of what your teen can do during this break to regulate themselves. 
2. Re-group for listening: THINK: This is a time where you listen and reflect what your teen tells you is going on for them, how they could make a different choice and share what you can do better too. 
3. Move forward: ACT: Together, figure out what the next right thing to do is. How can each of you move on from what’s happened? Brainstorm possible solutions and validate any cooperation you receive. This encourages teens to participate in the future.

Parenting Adult Children is Complicated

When young adults have lived independently, they are accustomed to making their own schedules and sleeping, eating, studying and socializing according to their own rhythm. In general,  they’re not that interested in free advice about what they could be doing better or differently. Instead, they want to be respected for the autonomy that they’ve developed and be seen in their developing maturity.

Coexisting peacefully means realizing that your job is to support them more than guide them. They need collaboration and compassion: their lives have been turned upside down and they’ve likely lost many events, activities and plans which really mattered to them. They want to have a sense of their independence by making whatever choices they can in their newly limited lives. Many young adults right now are both anxious and depressed. As parents, we’ve got to remember that they are more fragile than they’ve been.

It’s reasonable to establish ground rules that reflect creating a civil, honest and safe environment for your home. Take about how to share chores, respect each other’s boundaries and work together to solve issues. Make a list of who’s doing what and post it in the kitchen. Create a plan for what to do when people aren’t following through. By strategizing for success and setting up clear plans for daily living, you’ll reduce the frequency of any conflicts which will naturally arise during this time.

If your adult child is behaving irresponsibly (sleeping all day and up all night, not following social distancing recommendations or abusing substances), talk with them about their stated goals for themselves and their view on how they are progressing towards them. Offer neutral observations about their behaviors, ask them how you can help and consider assisting them with making online appointments with their physician, finding a therapist or following a daily routine that includes exercise. Ask questions and listen to their responses, reflecting back what you hear them say and without judging or dismissing their opinions.

Read more about Parenting and Families

Prepare Now to Transition to In-Person School

Online Schooling has relieved anxiety for some -

Learning from home has been a pleasant relief for many students who struggle socially at school or have extreme anxiety. The various triggers that going to school presents for them have been eliminated. Online school offers limited peer and adult contact with less pressure to perform in casual conversations. Plus, kids are able to regulate their connections with others--who, what, where and how--which further reduces social anxiety.

Transitioning to In-Person School -

When thinking about transitioning to in-person school, parents of kids who have been thriving at home need to consider this issue of control. Many kids who struggle socially feel forced to interact with peers or adults on terms that don’t work for them and at times that are more frequent than they would otherwise choose. They will feel heightened anxiety by the prospect of having to endure or perform in these situations again. As parents, you have to help them remember other times of success in their lives--times when they were able to overcome their nervousness and do something anyway. Anxiety creates amnesia about these successes so we’ve got to bring them into awareness. Brainstorm or review with your son or daughter previous experiences and how they can apply those skills to the current situation. Write these down so you can refer to them in the future.

Role-Play Now -

Practice a few phrases that your child or teen can say in common interactions with peers. Talk about their primary concerns and brainstorm responses. For example, if they are feeling overwhelmed to respond and don’t know how, identify a sentence or two they can use such as “I’m not sure. Let me think about it and get back to you.” Role-plays are very helpful for learning what to say, remembering those words and building confidence. The more general the response, the easier it will be for them to recall and use the phrases. Sometimes kids can overfocus on what to say exactly and when to say it. We want to give them a tool that’s appropriate in several situations so they don’t feel more anxiety about remembering which sentence they need to use.

Read more tips about reducing anxiety