Dear Dr. Sharon: How can I help my son's teacher have more empathy for him?
Hi there Dr. Saline-
I’m the mom of a 6th-grade boy who has ADHD who has struggled in school this year. , He’s smart, kind, and has so much potential, but his teacher seems to only see the “disruptions” or the times he forgets his homework. I’ve tried explaining ADHD and sharing strategies that worked in the past, but I get the feeling she just thinks he’s lazy or not trying hard enough. It’s heartbreaking to see him come home defeated. I know teachers have a lot on their plates, but how can we help them better understand—and empathize—with what kids like my son are going through? What can I say or do to help bridge that gap without being seen as “that parent”?
— Amanda, Michigan
Dear Amanda,
Thank you so much for writing to me. Your question is deeply important, and I want you to know that you're not alone. I hear this kind of concern frequently from parents of children and teens with ADHD. They are doing their best to advocate for their neurodiverse kids while navigating an educational system that often doesn’t meet their unique needs very well. I know that this situation is distressing for everybody involved: the students, their parents and the educators. . Children with ADHD often face what I call the “triple whammy”: being judged by their behaviors, misunderstood for their intentions, and penalized for neurodivergent thinking. . So let’s talk about how we can improve parent-teacher collaboration and improve how educators can help teachers step into a more empathetic and supportive role, starting with a deeper understanding of what your son—and kids like him—are going through.
Understanding the ADHD Experience
ADHD isn’t simply about being “hyper” or “forgetful.” It’s a neurodevelopmental condition that affects executive functioning—the brain’s ability to manage time, organize tasks, regulate emotions, and control impulses. For a child in the classroom, that can translate into blurting out answers, trouble sitting still, difficulty transitioning between subjects, or forgetting to turn in homework—even if it was already done.
According to the CDC, approximately 9.8- of children in the U.S. aged 3–17 have ever been diagnosed with ADHD - with estimates of kids currently diagnosed hovering around 11%.That’s nearly 1 in 10 kids—so we’re not talking about rare outliers here. Yet, despite how common ADHD is, many educators still lack the training or support to understand how it manifests, particularly in a classroom setting. In a CDC survey from 1999, only 15% of teachers reported having sufficient training on ADHD. By 2019, that number had nearly doubled—but still only reached 29% . That means over two-thirds of educators still lack substantial training in understanding and supporting students with ADHD - and many are left to educate themselves on their own time and without educational support.
When teachers feel overwhelmed or are under informed, students with ADHD are more likely to hear discouraging messages like, “You should try harder,” “You have so much potential,” or “Why can’t you just control yourself?”—phrases that may be well-intentioned but ultimately chip away at a child’s self-esteem and motivation. Too often, these misunderstandings lead to repeated reprimands, missed opportunities for inclusion, or a focus on what a child isn’t doing rather than what they can do. The truth is, many teachers simply don’t know what to do or feel exhausted and unsupported themselves. Sometimes, parent denial or defensiveness adds another layer of difficulty. But this isn’t about blame. It’s about recognizing a gap—and using that awareness as a powerful opportunity to do something different.
When a teacher sees a child repeatedly interrupting, zoning out, or avoiding a task without understanding the neurological reasons behind those behaviors, they may default to negative assumptions such as laziness, defiance or low motivation. But your son, like so many other kids with ADHD, is likely working harder than his peers just to keep up. What he needs most is curiosity, compassion, and consistency.
Bridging the Empathy Gap
You asked: how can we help teachers empathize? I love that word—empathy. It means imagining what it’s like to live in someone else’s shoes. For educators, it means not just knowing that a student wrestles with hyperactivity, impulsivity or distractibility, but feeling what it might be like to constantly struggle with self-regulation ,missing cues or feeling left out. Shifting mindsets and language really make a difference. Instead of relying on fixed mindsets and negative statements such as this student “won’t” behave or cooperate, embracing a growth mindset that acknowledges real challenges for neurodivergent students with statements such as“this student can’t behave in this moment without support” makes a great huge impact. It’s the difference between a judgmental, harsh approach and a compassionate one.
Teachers are often under immense pressure themselves, and they may not realize the effect of their responses on a child with ADHD. When a student like your son is frequently corrected or disciplined, they internalize that feedback and start believing they’re “bad” or “stupid.” Studies show that students with ADHD are at higher risk for low self-esteem, anxiety, and school refusal—partly due to these repeated negative interactions.
What you’re advocating for isn’t special treatment—it’s appropriate support. That support starts with empathy.
How Parents Can Encourage Empathy in Educators
You asked what you can do, and I want to validate that even posing this question shows your strength and love as a parent. Here are a few strategies you might find helpful:
Start with connection, not correction: Instead of jumping straight into what’s not working, begin conversations with teachers by asking how things are going and what they’ve noticed about your son’s strengths. Teachers are more receptive when they feel seen and supported too.
Share personal stories: Sometimes the most powerful way to build empathy is through storytelling. Tell the teacher what mornings look like in your house, or how your son feels when he struggles with transitions. This makes ADHD real and human—not just a label in a file.
Gently educate: Teachers are rarely trained in neurodiversity unless they pursue that knowledge themselves. You can recommend books, articles, or even short videos that explain ADHD from the child’s perspective. Try saying, “This helped me understand what my son experiences—maybe it could be useful in the classroom too?”
Collaborate on small changes: Don’t feel like you need to overhaul the whole classroom. Even small adjustments—like a consistent cue for redirection, movement breaks, or breaking tasks into smaller parts—can make a world of difference.
Model empathy yourself: When you show understanding toward the teacher's position, you set the tone for mutual respect. It's okay to be assertive and compassionate at the same time.
Five Tips for Teachers to Foster Empathy with ADHD Students
If I were sitting across from your son’s teacher, here are five things I’d encourage them to consider:
1. Learn about ADHD as a brain-based difference
It’s not about willpower—it’s about wiring. With knowledge comes compassion, so taking time to understand the biological, psychological and social challenges that are occurring in students with ADHD is essential.
2. Focus on strengths first
Kids with ADHD often have big imaginations, humor, energy, and curiosity. Celebrate those qualities! My article on helping children with ADHD develop their strengths can be a valuable resource to help you in this.
3. See behavior as communication
Instead of seeing a behavior as a problem, ask, “What is this student trying to tell me?”. In behavior analysis, this is known as the “ABC” approach - antecedent, behavior, and consequence. Essentially, all behavior is a means of communication that is more easily addressed when we take time to decode the message that the student is sending.
4. Keep expectations clear and consistent
Predictability helps reduce anxiety and gives students a sense of control. You have to lay the foundation for this consistency by establishing clear guidelines for behavior with students that mean something to them and to you.
5. Be the adult who “gets it”
One understanding teacher can change the trajectory of a child’s life. That’s how powerful empathy is! I think this personal story from an educator is a particularly powerful example of being someone who “gets it”.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Amanda, thank you again for your question. Your son is lucky to have you in his corner, and I hope these suggestions help you feel empowered in your advocacy. Keep going—you’re planting seeds that can blossom in ways you may not see right away. And if your son hasn’t heard it today: he is not broken, he is brave.
Warmly,
Dr. Sharon Saline
