Teens and Summer Jobs

When teenagers get their first job, they're very excited to make and have their own money. Managing that money, though, is often a bit of challenge. They may have held small jobs like babysitting or dog-walking before, but they don't know how to use a bank account, write a check and kept track of what they're spending. Many of them use debit cards without understanding how to monitor what they're spending and overdraw their accounts quickly. This is especially true for teens with ADHD. It's critical for parents to help their kids learn about money management and budgets.

I've worked with many kids who come to my psychotherapy office and have no idea how to make a simple budget. They don't know how to total up monthly expenses and subtract them from their paycheck to see how much spending money they actually have or what they can save because no one has shown them. Several young adults have asked me to teach them how to write a check.

I advise newly employed teens to live in a cash world for a while so they can grasp how much money they actually have and see how they spend it. Forget debit cards: instead, once their checks are deposited, tell them to take out the sum that they'll need for the week. Help them open up both checking and savings accounts so they can start to put away some portion of their earnings for something special in the future. This teaches how to save. Most kids proudly tell me how much money they are saving. It makes them feel like adults and contributes to the autonomy that teens need (and want) to develop. 

Read other family and parenting topics here.

How You can Avoid the 3 Most Common Mistakes Parents Make with Kids with ADHD

As you crawl into bed after another long day struggling about school, chores and technology with your child or teen with ADHD, do you ever feel like throwing in the towel? You’re not alone. Many parents of kids with ADHD feel frustrated and dejected. In your efforts to help your son or daughter get their homework done, make it to sports practice and pick up their room, do you feel like none of your reminders stick? What could you do differently to foster long term results?

In spite of the pushback and yelling you may receive, your child or teen with ADHD really needs you to hang in there.  They can’t learn those all-important executive functioning skills like organization, planning, prioritizing and self-regulation without you. But, if you lose it when they're already upset, if you don't work with them on solutions to daily challenges and if you notice their efforts and encourage their progress, you won't be assisting them to build the essential life skills and self-esteem they need. My 5C’s approach--self-control, compassion, collaboration, consistency and celebration--provides the tools for you to create lasting changes. You'll be more of the parent you want to be and your child really needs.  Let’s look at the 5 common mistakes parents of kids with ADHD make (without shame or guilt!) and how you can avoid them: Mistake #1: Losing your temper: It’s natural to get upset when someone’s screaming, kicking or hitting you. But your agitation only adds fuel to their fire. The first order of business when things are escalating is to regulate yourself. By managing your own feelings first, you'll be in a better space to act effectively and teach your child to do the same. This doesn’t mean never getting upset or always feigning calmness. Instead, you notice when you’re becoming riled up and try to bring yourself back. You stop what you’re doing, take some deep breaths, call a pause in the action and re-orient. Like your GPS, your re-center without judgment. Mistake #2: Excluding them from participating in creating solutions to daily problems. Kids with ADHD, even young children, have their own ideas about what isn’t working and what could be better. This input is very important. They spend all day at school--a place where they often face social, academic or emotional challenges and hear about how, where and when they’ve missed the mark. They're given directions about how to do things differently that may not make the most sense for how their particular brain works. When parents or caregivers include the opinions of kids with ADHD to address problem areas, there’s more buy-in and, ultimately, cooperation. Collaboration means working together with your child (and other important adults) to find solutions to daily challenges instead of imposing your rules on them. This collaboration offers a “we” attitude instead of a “you” attitude: they see you more as an ally instead of an opponent. Mistake #3: Being too focused on the outcome and ignoring their efforts along the way. Many parents, understandably, want to see immediate changes in their child’s behaviors when they give feedback or start a behavioral plan. You are helping them achieve steps towards being the responsible, productive adult you both want to see. But sometimes these goals overshadow the efforts. Acknowledging their progress with genuine, positive comments actively counteracts the dominant negative messages they hear daily. Studies have found that a 3:1 ratio of positive comments to negative ones makes a big difference in promoting behavioral changes and can-do attitudes. If you are struggling with a child or teen with ADHD and would like to learn some sure-fire tips for improving cooperation and reducing arguments, please join me for my upcoming 4 session online workshop:  https://drsharonsaline.com/product/adhd-teleseminar/ .  

Business.org: What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

 Even though most kids change their career goals as they get older and experience more of the world, they tend to follow certain patterns in those choices—as we learned when we asked 70 children between ages five and eleven what they want to be when they grow up and why. We partnered with child psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline to get to the bottom of our results. Click logo below to read more.

ADHD Parenting Class: What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew and How You Can Help

Webinar: 4 sessions 

Dates: 4/24/19 - 5/15/19

When a child is diagnosed with ADHD, the whole family is affected. In this workshop, taught by author and ADHD expert Dr. Sharon Saline, you will gain the essential information you need to understand ADHD and improve your child or teen’s executive functioning skills more effectively and patiently. You’ll learn how the ADHD brain works, how to navigate school and advocate for your son or daughter, how to reduce conflicts at home and how to help them become more confident and competent. She will also address hot topics such as managing technology, anxiety, siblings and social relationships. Learn directly from Dr. Sharon Saline as she shares her valuable insights and recommendations about living successfully with ADHD.

Based on her award-winning book, What your ADHD child wishes you knew, Dr. Saline mixes lecture, exercises, and discussion to help you develop creative, lasting solutions to everyday challenges.  

Only $119 with early registration discount before April 10, 2019. $149 Regular price.

Meet your child where they are – not where you expect them to be.

Learn more and register here

Blog Talk Radio: ADHD Shame and Negative Self-Talk

In this episode of Attention Talk Radio, ADHD coach Jeff Copper (www.digcoaching.com) interviews Dr. Sharon Saline (www.drsharonsaline.com) on the topic of shame and negative self-talk, what is obvious about its negative implications, and the truth about it. She also shares a trick to move past it. If you beat yourself up, feel like a victim, or struggle with feeling judged because of ADHD, this is a show you won’t want to miss. Click logo below to read more.

Psychology Today: Getting the Academic Support Teens and College Students Need

School-based interventions improve academic performance and social relationships. For high school students with ADHD who already run a higher risk for underachievement and dropping out than neurotypical kids, having support services can make all the difference. Click logo below to read more.

22 News Mass Appeal: Using Humor in Your Parenting

Parenting is beautiful, it's fun, and it's one of the best gifts in the world - it's also difficult...which is why humor is so important! Clinical psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline joins us with tips! Click logo below to read more.

Mentally Fit: How to Talk to Your Teen About Self Care

There are a few challenges that parents face when talking with or trying to help their teens. Parents quickly move into problem-solving mode which usually doesn’t work for teens. Click logo below to read more.

Parents, here's how to talk to your teen about self care

"Talking to your teen about self care can be difficult, so we spoke with leading experts on teen psychology to find out the best way parents can approach their teens to talk--and what skills they recommend you try!"

From Mentally Fit Response by Dr. Sharon Saline: I am a clinical psychologist and author of What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life. I specialize in working with kids, young adults and families living with ADHD, learning disabilities and mental health issues.

There are a few challenges that parents face when talking with or trying to help their teens.

Parents quickly move into problem-solving mode which usually doesn’t work for teens. They want to feel heard and met where they are but often parents tell them how to be different, how they ‘should be’. Sometimes parents are too reactive to their teens: afraid of what they’re hearing or angry when their ideas are rejected. When they become upset, it’s like throwing kindling on the fire of their kids’ issues. The conversation now involves two people whose emotions are running the show instead of only one.

Talking to a teen about self care has to start with compassion: accepting your child for who they are and acknowledging the efforts you see them making.

Teens are very quick to become defensive and dismissive. Using phrases such as “I notice” or “It seems like” is an effective way to communicate your observations without pushing them away. Then follow up with questions that encourage their participation in solving the problem: “What are your ideas about?” or “How can I support you in doing things differently?” Routines are helpful as long as they’re written down and posted somewhere. Otherwise, the parent becomes a reminder machine. It may seem juvenile to a teen but until that routine is firmly ensconced in their brains, having it written down is key.

Parents can help their kids by first and foremost setting a positive example of self-care and attention to wellbeing.

Being available to listen non-judgmentally and use reflective listening tools is extremely helpful for promoting honest, heartfelt discussions. Bedtime is usually a good time to connect with a teen and often when they want to chat. That can be tough for tired parents so set a limit around how long you’ll talk with them and prop open your eyes as best you can. Car rides are another natural, comfortable time to check in. Perhaps agree in advance to discuss 2 good things and 1 challenging thing about your days. Setting boundaries around screen time not only promotes mental health.

Seek additional support.

Finally, if you are arguing a lot with your teen or if they are showing atypical levels of anxiety, stress, isolation or negative moods, then seeking family or individual counseling them would be important. If they are resistant to going alone, then start with family work on improving your communication.

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Important New Research Alert: What you can do to make sure your student gets what they need

A recent national study of approximately 2500 youth with ADHD ages 4 to 17 revealed some alarming findings about how the needs of students with ADHD are NOT being met. Although the majority of students were receiving one or more interventions, the authors, led by George DuPaul, Ph.D. of Lehigh University found that at least one in three students with ADHD received no school interventions even though they showed significant academic and social difficulties.[1] This is especially true for kids from non-English speaking and/or lower income families. Other shocking results: One in four students with ADHD had repeated a grade, one in six had been expelled from school. In addition, middle and high school students with ADHD were less likely than elementary school students to receive any school services despite similar if not worse academic and social functioning.[2] Honestly, I am quite distressed by the results of this study. Given that school is often the hardest area of functioning for kids with ADHD and there’s been so much professional development for educators about ADHD in the past decade, I guess I had naively believed that things were better than this. While this study sheds a glaring light on the lack of educational support and interventions for ALL kids with ADHD, those youngsters from non-English speaking families or those with fewer means have educational needs that are particularly neglected. Such disparities in who or who doesn’t get help means that education—a fundamental American value as the path for people to overcome racial and/or socioeconomic obstacles to find success on their own terms—is actually thwarting kids with ADHD. This is completely unacceptable. School-based interventions improve classroom behavior, academic performance and social relationships. For middle and high school with ADHD this current is particularly critical: they already run a higher risk for underachievement and dropping out. This current study also implies that services kids receive in elementary school are discontinued as they mature. It’s a sad irony I’ve seen too many times: when kids with ADHD have useful scaffolding and are doing better, the services are later withdrawn because of their success. Instead, these interventions need to remain in place to help with the increasing executive functioning demands for independence in middle and high school. What can you do to make sure your son or daughter is getting the services they need?

1. If your child was given a diagnosis of ADHD by a primary care or mental health provider and has not received an IEP or 504 evaluation, call the school and set up a meeting right away. Since your son or daughter already has a diagnosis and meets criteria for one of these interventions, you are entitled to have a meeting. Don’t be afraid to be persistent.
2. If your son or daughter already has an Individualized Educational Program, a 504 accommodation plan or a Functional Behavioral Assessment Plan, you can request an informal gathering of administrators, teachers and counselors to discuss the support services that are already in place. You many also ask for a formal team meeting to re-evaluate the existing IEP and make changes to it.
3. I recommend at least one informal meeting of the people at school who know and/or teach your child or teen per year so that you discuss academic and social goals and set up a method of communication that works for everyone. It’s great if the student can participate in part of this meeting as well so their perspective is both heard and integrated into the plan.
4. If you are unsure about the level of the services that your child is supposed to receive or unclear if the services are indeed being provided, then consider one of these options: A) Asking for someone (of your choice or the school’s) to observe your child in a few different environments at school and share those findings with you and the team; B) Consulting with someone outside of the school such as a learning specialist, ADHD coach or psychotherapist to review what’s in place for your student and make helpful suggestions; C) Speaking with an educational advocate to help you assess your situation and look at possible options.           

[1, 2] https://www2.lehigh.edu/news/george-dupaul-1-in-3-students-with-adhd-receive-no-school-interventions

22 NEWS Mass Appeal: How to start planning summer camps and activities for your children

It may not feel like it quite yet, but now’s the time to start thinking about summer activities for your kids. If you have a child with ADHD, you’ll especially want to make sure to plan a summer filled with fun and activities. Here with some tips is Clinical Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline.

Beat Back Negative Self-Talk with 'Celebration'

On my recent work trip to CA, I had the privilege of meeting with a group of high school students with ADHD, LD and executive functioning challenges. As we talked about their experiences and brainstormed new strategies, one thing became abundantly clear. These kids carry around A LOT of shame about their struggles, more than I had even previously considered. When I asked them what they thought the ratio of positive feedback to negative feedback was in their lives, including what they told themselves, the overwhelming response was 1 to 30: one positive comment for 30 negative ones. Since the ideal positivity ratio according to Dr. Barbara Fredrickson is actually 3 to 1—three positive statement for every negative one, their revelation deeply saddened me. Why aren’t kids with ADHD hearing and absorbing acknowledgement about their efforts towards meeting responsibilities and goals and their successes when they do as much as what they could be doing differently or better? How can we help them develop healthy self-esteem and resilience when the dominant message is ‘do something or be someone different’? In my 5C’s of ADHD parenting, I emphasize Compassion, Consistency and Celebration. Compassion: Meet kids where they are and let them know that you understand and accept them even if they don’t understand or accept themselves. Consistency: Notice their efforting as much as their accomplishments. Celebration: Praise big and small accomplishments to counteract the persistent negative self-talk. Celebration—giving genuine acknowledgment and validation to your son or daughter—matters more than you think it may. Stay in the present as much as you can and keep your worries about how they will manage later in their lives at bay. So much growth and development will happen between now and independent adulthood that you can’t possibly envision yet. What kids with ADHD clearly need most is help NOW feeling better about themselves. You CAN help them with this. Ask them for 2 or 3 highlights of the day when you pick them up after school or while you’re eating dinner. Give them a high five when they hang up their coat or a quick verbal appreciation when they put their dirty clothes in the hamper. Try to focus more on the good stuff so they can too.

Sanity during holidays

1. Avoid holiday overwhelm: Your brain can only process so much info at one time and it's especially hard for kids with or without ADHD to manage themselves around this time. In fact, it's often tough for adults who have their own triggers and family issues to deal with. How can families cope effectively?

a. Make lists: There is no other way to be organized. Write things down, preferably on your phone or tablet so you won't lose it. Show your children how to do this. Then, check things off to create a sense of accomplishment and goal persistence.

b. Post a holiday schedule: When kids with ADHD can visually see the details about upcoming events, it helps them plan mentally and prepare for the situation. This makes transitions easier, along with several warnings before something is set to occur.

c. Be flexible: Things don't always work out the way we plan them. Disappointment can be rough for anyone to tolerate and kids are still learning how to strengthen this muscle. Acknowledge their feelings knowing that you may or may not be able to fix it for them and that's okay.

d. Build in recovery time. It takes time for our brains process all of the heightened activity and emotions during the holiday, especially for kids with ADHD. Plan for 'down time', whether that's time alone, watching a movie on the couch together or making some popcorn to eat in front of the fire.

https://drsharonsaline.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/nobody-perfect-1024x680.jpg Kids with ADHD usually have grown up with a series of negative comments about that are labeled "constructive feedback." Actually these statements feel anything but constructive. One 10 year-old boy told me "There's nothing good about feedback. It's usually bad." Even parental or teacher redirections are interpreted by kids and their concrete thinking as them being wrong, bad or improper. Avoidance and perfectionism can then emerge as coping mechanisms. Children and especially teens with ADHD can be expert avoiders. Tired of feeling wrong or doing poorly in school more often than not, they just give up. Perfectionism in kids with ADHD usually comes from feeling like they are never good enough. It can stop them from starting anything, especially writing, before they even begin. Sometimes they will agonize for hours which will delay them even more. https://drsharonsaline.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/AcademicsSchool-1024x711.jpg

How can we keep your sons and daughters engaged and willing to attempt things? Here are some helpful hints:

• Acknowledge past mistakes as something that happened but aren't who they are. Since learning means messing up, regrouping and doing things anyway, investigate the details of what occurred with the original mistake.
• Ask questions with no blame and a neutral tone of voice like you are a detective: "What happens when you sit down for a test in biology? I saw you study at home. . . What might have helped you before the test that you now know based on your experience?"
• Break tasks down into smaller, more manageable parts. When something seems overwhelming, difficult or uninteresting, start small. Together, choose some fun activities that can be used as incentives. "Instead of creating all 5 paragraphs of your book report, let's just work on the first one. Then we can play a game of cards and do the second." Your assistance and even sometimes just your presence, can be the difference between doing nothing and starting something.
• Be open about the mistakes you make. Talk about them and what you did to deal with your errors. By doing this, you not only model your own flaws and problem-solving skills but also the shared human experience of having foibles in the first place.
• Practice self-forgiveness and accountability. Let your kids see how you do this and verbalize it for them as well. Watching you shows that they can do it too.

https://drsharonsaline.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Motivation-1024x683.jpgAddressing these challenges takes time. Be patient with yourself and your ADHD child or teen. If you notice that you are frustrated, take some space, regroup and try again later when you are calmer. Remember, any negativity from you about avoidance and perfectionism only makes these tendencies stronger.https://drsharonsaline.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/5366637592_0a193a8fcf_b-1024x680.jpg

Tips to Reduce or Eliminate Anxiety

Anxiety is a physiological response related to a perceived danger and worried, negative thinking. Basic fight or flight responses are triggered from worries and these reactions are usually disproportionate to the concern at hand. Worry can be productive or poisonous. Productive worry is worry about doing things--completing homework or getting to work on time --and can be helpful in getting things done. Poisonous worry is worry about things you can’t control--the ultimate demise of the planet or whether people like you--and can be debilitating. The first step to dealing effectively with anxiety is to determine which type of worry you are dealing with. Then, engage the thinking brain to slow down the tidal wave of anxiety and emotion volcano by doing two things:

1. Rely on past experiences of successfully overcoming anxiety and applying those skills to this moment.
2. Engage in a worse-case scenario by asking “And then what?” repeatedly until you land at the illogical end.

This process works with kids and adults.

MindShift: Five Ways to Help Children with ADHD Develop Their Strengths

And like all kids, they want to feel normal, says Dr. Sharon Saline, author of What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew. Saline, a psychotherapist who works with ADHD children and their families, argues that an informed empathy for ADHD children —  for what they experience on a daily basis — can inspire parents and teachers to work with these children in ways that will help them grow into responsible and happy adults.

Tilt Interview: Dr. Sharon Saline On What Our ADHD Kids Wish We Knew

In today’s episode, we cover a lot of ground—everything from what a child’s emotional journey is like as he or she comes to understand and accept the way their brain is wired and the correlation between anxiety and ADHD, to how parents can help ADHD kids reduce outbursts and more successfully collaborate with their kids.

3 Ways to Share with Your ADHD Valentine

Celebrate Valentine’s Day with REAL Heart!

This week, television shows, Hallmark cards and advertisements tell us repeatedly that Valentine’s Day is about celebrating love–romantic love, familial love, friendship love. I even saw a Valentine’s Day card for your dog! It can all be a bit overwhelming, especially if you are feeling less loving than the commercials suggest you should be. I would like to suggest that you can transform this day into something meaningful for you and your ADHD son or daughter by being authentic and acknowledging what is positive in your relationship. Often we are so busy with our chaotic lives that we neglect to notice and name things that are going well and move quickly onto what isn’t working. While it is great to give and receive funny cards and candy on Valentine’s Day, it can also feel wonderful to share and name things that family members like and appreciate about each other. It might sound corny but such conversations or written words, however brief, can have lasting effects. Taking the time to add your own comments about a positive behavior or attitude on a card or at a meal will show that you really see your child’s efforts to do well and encourage more of them. Even teenagers who can seem indifferent or combative to you actually listen to your positive feedback. The trick is keeping your comments “short and sweet”: you have to grab their attention, be succinct and speak genuinely or your ADHD son or daughter will smell a rat and stop listening immediately. Here are my tips for a Valentine’s Day with REAL heart for you and your ADHD child: 1. Talk to your family and set a time for Valentine’s Day cards, gifts or exchanges. It doesn’t have to be a big deal; just a time when everyone can be together. Make an agreement about the general plan: “We will be giving cards and not gifts.” Or, “We will give gifts that are homemade only.” Or, “No cards, no gifts, only chocolate.” Do what seems natural for your family. Participation is not mandatory but attendance is. 2. If you give cards, write a few things that your son or daughter does that you like. BE SPECIFIC. “I like how you hum when you eat your food.” “I love when you give me a hug before bed.” “I appreciate when you clear your plate after dinner.” “I like your sense of style, even though it’s different from mine.” If you are doing a verbal exchange, plan what you have to say so you it doesn’t seem like you are making things up at the last minute. 3. When you get together as a family, share your cards or comments without elaborating or dwelling on them. Your ADHD son or daughter has a limited attention span and we want this to be fun. Lingering on topics, even if they are good ones, promotes distractedness. Reciprocity and connection, however brief, are the goals here. Enjoy an authentic Valentine’s Day! Please let me know how this goes!

How To Stay Productive In The Winter If The Blues Are Destroying Your Concentration, According To Experts

Sometimes the best kind of motivation is self-motivation, so if you’re having a hard time putting ideas into practice this winter, Dr. Sharon Saline, psychologist and author of the book What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life, tells Elite Daily that making to-do lists can help[…]

What to Do When Your Child is Scared of the Dark

Monsters? Creepy noises? Frequent insomnia? Many children with and without ADHD struggle with going to bed, being in a dark room and falling asleep. Of course, it's normal to be frightened of unfamiliar things. it's also common for some kids with ADHD to struggle to turn off their brains even though their bodies are tired. For kids with ADHD, who struggle to manage strong emotions and can over-focus on particular thoughts, night-time fears can be especially problematic. Instead of you falling asleep in their bed or endlessly reassuring them, change your approach to one that creates confidence and happy slumber for everyone. Become their ally and take on the night dragons once and for all. Most kids tend to stay away from the stuff that scares them. Who doesn't? Anxiety is a powerful force to contend with.  If they're not exposed to it, then they're not afraid. But avoidance and depending completely on you for comfort may feel good now but doesn't help them in the long run.  They don't learn essential skills for self-soothing and positive self-talk. People build courage by being afraid and doing it anyway. Comfort is important to give but it can't be the only solution. Learning to tolerate discomfort in the dark takes time.  You will probably have to proceed slowly at first. Set up a plan by talking with your son or daughter about what frightens them, when they've managed to overcome that fear and how they did it. You want to identify successful nights and what made them work. Your child wants this to go away and so do you: that's your mutual motivation for creating a collaborative plan.  The goal is to strengthen the side of them that wants to do it and make it bigger than the part that doesn't. Use incentives with your plan such as points towards an activity they like (playing a game with you, additional screen time, etc.). This may sound crazy but let's take riding a roller coaster. Instead of going on the biggest one or even the medium-sized one, you start with something small to build your confidence. Then if that goes well, you can try a larger one. Similarly, leaving your child alone in the dark may be too much right now. Make a game to check the closet and under the bed for unwanted "guests." When it's time to turn out the light, turn on a night light, keep the door open, maybe play some soothing music and leave a light on in the hallway. Limit your time hanging out with them to ten minutes and discuss this well before bedtime. Maybe you'll need to sit in a chair at first, then by the door while humming  a favorite tune. When they're doing a better job of managing the separation and falling asleep on their own, consider closing the door halfway. Maybe that's enough. At some point, perhaps you can close the door completely and if you can't that's okay too.  The goal is to start doing small changes, let them feel successful and then tackle the bigger stuff. Be patient. Reducing night-time worries takes time, practice and some stumbling along the way. Stick with the plan you've both created for a few days, assess how it's working together, and make any necessary adjustments. Let your child's desire to do things differently guide you. Courage will naturally follow.

How To Stay Productive In The Winter If The Blues Are Destroying Your Concentration, According To Experts

Sometimes the best kind of motivation is self-motivation, so if you’re having a hard time putting ideas into practice this winter, Dr. Sharon Saline, psychologist and author of the book What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life, tells Elite Daily that making to-do lists can help[…]