Frustrated with a lack of progress? Improve your consistency!

Many parents who are frustrated with their ADHD children come into my office and complain that “No matter what we do, our son (or daughter) doesn’t change. Nothing works.” As I meet with these families, the heart of the problem usually lies with inconsistency. Sometimes parents can create a plan of action to deal with behaviors and stick with it; other times, they are improvising moment by moment. Too often, they get stuck and feel defeated. With all of these different scenarios, the ADHD kids, who thrive on predictability, can end up feeling confused. How can we change these patterns and create more success? Inconsistent parenting reflects mixed messages and unclear rules that evolve over time and unintentionally. It’s not something people decide to do: it frequently occurs because parents are tired, worn down and out of ideas. Inconsistent parenting can look like this: One school night, you let your 10 year old ADHD son stay up until 11 pm to watch the football play-off game because you don’t want to miss any of the action to put him to bed. Yet, a few days later, when he wants to watch a basketball game with you past 10 pm, you refuse. Here’s another example: You tell your teenage daughter that she will lose her phone for the evening when she doesn’t clean up her room as you both agreed but then you let her keep it when she goes out so you can reach her. Consistent parenting means having the same consequences for the same behaviors over time—again and again and again. They don’t change and can’t be negotiated. It means that you don’t give your ADHD children and teens consequences that you can’t enforce or remember or don’t want to deal with. ADHD kids need to know what is coming so they can learn from their experiences and start to understand that their actions have effects. This is exactly where their executive functioning skills are weak. It takes time and repetition. You have to lay the foundation for this consistency by establishing clear guidelines for behavior with your son or daughter that mean something to them and to you. The process is collaborative but ultimately not democratic; you still have the final and most powerful vote because, after all, you are the responsible adult. How can you begin this process?

1. Get some paper and a pen and sit down with your family. Start with a fair assessment of the basic rules. Ask your kids what they think the consequences should be for not following them. Sometimes they will come up with ideas that are far more impactful that you will.
2. Pick the top 3 issues and create a plan of action for not cooperating. Write everything down.
3. Meet alone with your parenting partner (if you have one) and go through this list. Ask yourselves if you can honestly follow through on the consequences and how you can support each other to do so. If you can’t do them, come up with other ideas that you can enact.
4. Meet again with the family. Go over the plan. Post it in a place where everyone can see it and refer to it when needed.
5. For the next 3 months, meet every two weeks to check in, see how things are going and make any necessary changes to what you are doing that would help things go more smoothly.

Good luck!

"What did THAT mean?" Is it disrespect or self-expression?

As 21st century parents, we want our kids to share their feelings and talk through their problems with us. We encourage them to let out their feelings and believe that this is basically healthy, which it often is. But sometimes this self-expression is inappropriate and we are surprised, even shocked, by what we hear. My clients have frequently reported their dismay when their ADHD sons or daughters (depending on their ages), have said things like, "I hate you!" "You're a terrible mother. "Don't you know anything?" "What is your problem?" "You are so stupid." Then, there's cursing, slamming doors, eye rolling, or punching the wall. In today's world, when many parents want their ADHD children to learn to speak up for themselves and strengthen their own voices, it can be hard to know when things have gone too far. The lines between self-expression and disrespect can become blurred really fast. What starts out as a joke can quickly turn mean and what seems like a discussion can turn suddenly into a shouting match. ADHD kids, because they struggle with impulse control, understanding limits and reading social cues can get carried away or inappropriate without always knowing it. What should parents do? I think that parents first have to assess for themselves what constitutes disrespectful behaviors. We all have our limits: what are yours? In my house, eye-rolling and name-calling were at the top of our list. Telling me what a jerk I am just isn't okay. You can tell me that you are angry, that you don't like what I said or what I am doing, but you don't get to call me names. Likewise, I don't get to call you names either--no matter how frustrated and fed up I may be. Clear boundaries are essential for ADHD kids who can't always monitor their words and actions effectively. They have big feelings and limited skills in expressing them. They need assistance and feedback based on consistent family guidelines. They also need some concrete tools that reduce disrespectful language and actions and increase more acceptable ones. How can you teach your ADHD sons and daughters to share what is going on for them in ways that other people can hear? Here are some useful tips:

1. Consider what really pushes YOUR buttons as unacceptable ways of speaking or behaving. Write down the top 3 offending actions. (If you have a partner, do this exercise together so you can present a united front with your family.) It's also important to ask yourself if you engage in any of those 3 behaviors. Be honest because respect goes both ways. Believe me, your ADHD son or daughter will be the first person to point out any of your transgressions.
2. Think about (and discuss) what types of self-expression you want to encourage. Would you like your daughter to use her words when she feels upset instead of going to her room and crying? Would you like your son to control his body and stop slamming doors? Be specific about these goals.
3. Sit down with your ADHD child or teen. Ask them what they consider to be disrespectful--what they do and what others have done to them. Suggest some relevant recent family or school incidents if they are stuck. "Remember when Sam pushed you on the playground and called you 'a crybaby?" Share some of your own earlier reflections. Decide together which of all of these ideas and observations you would all like to see changed first.
4. Introduce this alternative method of self expression using this formula: "I feel ________ when you ____________." It may be awkward and corny at first but it's important to keep using this so it becomes a viable alternative for appropriate sharing. Usually ADHD kids benefit when you post it in a common space like the refrigerator. Refer to it often, especially when things are heating up. If your kids use it, then let them know you appreciate their efforts.

Want more family harmony? Change your T.O.V!

It's a rainy Sunday morning and you decide to make pancakes for the family for breakfast as a nice treat. You whip up the batter and drop large creamy spoonfuls onto the sizzling griddle. As the golden discs bubble, your 11  year old ADHD daughter bounces into the kitchen. "I'm so hungry. WHEN will the pancakes be ready? I want to eat NOW!" You start to feel the hair on the back of your neck prickle as that familiar irritation sets in and try to stay calm.  "Soon. Why don't you set the table while they finish? Then we can press the chocolate chips in and make smiley faces." "No. I just want to eat NOW!" she says turning up the volume considerably. In  turn, you raise your voice: "I am trying to do something nice here and all you have to do is set the table to help out. NOW DO IT!" She yells "NOOOOOOO!" and runs to her room. You shout after her "No chocolate chips for you then" and flip the pancakes with an aggressive thwack. How did a simple conversation escalate into an unpleasant argument? Why can't your daughter modulate how she expresses herself and just cooperate with your request? Why did you allow yourself to be upset by her in the first place? Families with ADHD children and teens often struggle with emotional reactivity and verbal impulse control. Negative feelings and unpleasant words can intensify in the blink of an eye so that the interaction derails quickly into hostility, screaming and tears. These situations can be easily turned around by bringing everyone's attention to T.O.V.--Tone Of Voice. So often, ADHD kids don't really hear how they say things to other people and don't fully understand the effects of what they are saying on them. They need help learning how to slow down and reflect on what they just expressed. But, since they are usually sensitive to criticism, direct feedback can frequently backfire. Introducing T.O.V. allows your son or daughter to reflect for themselves on how they can say something differently and lets them come up with their own changes on how they are speaking. They learn several executive functioning skills simultaneously: emotional regulation, personal insight and self-control. Here's how it works:

1. In a calm moment, you explain to your ADHD son or daughter (and perhaps your other children too--it works with everyone!) that sometimes people need help learning how their words and their tone of voice affect others. To that end, you will be saying to them "T. O. V." when you think they should alter how they are speaking to you and, at times, to each other. Then, you will give them a minute or two to change how their tone of voice and try again. Sometimes, all of us just need to re-calibrate and do something over. 
2. If your child or teen can't manage to change how they are talking to you, then taking an immediate, timed break for personal space can help. This break allows everyone to calm down and  regroup; it is not a punishment. Usually breaks of up to 5-10 minutes are sufficient but some people need more time. Agree on the time of the breaks when you have the initial conversation.
3. If your son or daughter changes how they are speaking to you by lowering their volume, altering their words from provocative to more neutral or shifting their attitude, YOUR JOB is to respond to their new statements and move forward. Of course, you can appreciate their efforts when the conversation is over which provides positive reinforcement for them.
4. Be prepared that they may call "T.O.V" on you sometimes too, especially if you are yelling. How you respond to this is critical: try acknowledging your feelings or laughing at yourself or admitting that you could do better. However, the goal is not to create a constant calling out of "T.O.V." in your household. It's used for helping your child re-group in selective moments, such as once or twice a day. If you overuse it, it will lose its impact.

I hope that you will give this a try!!!

Celebrate Valentine's Day with REAL Heart!

This week, television shows, Hallmark cards and advertisements tell us repeatedly that Valentine's Day is about celebrating love--romantic love, familial love, friendship love. I even saw a Valentine's Day card for your dog! It can all be a bit overwhelming, especially if you are feeling less loving than the commercials suggest you should be. I would like to suggest that you can transform this day into something meaningful for you and your ADHD son or daughter by being authentic and acknowledging what is positive in your relationship. Often we are so busy with our chaotic lives that we neglect to notice and name things that are going well and move quickly onto what isn't working. While it is great to give and receive funny cards and candy on Valentine's Day, it can also feel wonderful to share and name things that family members like and appreciate about each other. It might sound corny but such conversations or written words, however brief, can have lasting effects. Taking the time to add your own comments about a positive behavior or attitude on a card or at a meal will show that you really see your child's efforts to do well and encourage more of them. Even teenagers who can seem indifferent or combative to you actually listen to your positive feedback. The trick is keeping your comments "short and sweet": you have to grab their attention, be succinct and speak genuinely or your ADHD son or daughter will smell a rat and stop listening immediately. Here are my tips for a Valentine's Day with REAL heart for you and your ADHD child: 1. Talk to your family and set a time for Valentine's Day cards, gifts or exchanges. It doesn't have to be a big deal; just a time when everyone can be together. Make an agreement about the general plan: "We will be giving cards and not gifts." Or, "We will give gifts that are homemade only." Or, "No cards, no gifts, only chocolate." Do what seems natural for your family. Participation is not mandatory but attendance is. 2. If you give cards, write a few things that your son or daughter does that you like. BE SPECIFIC. "I like how you hum when you eat your food." "I love when you give me a hug before bed." "I appreciate when you clear your plate after dinner." "I like your sense of style, even though it's different from mine." If you are doing a verbal exchange, plan what you have to say so you it doesn't seem like you are making things up at the last minute. 3. When you get together as a family, share your cards or comments without elaborating or dwelling on them. Your ADHD son or daughter has a limited attention span and we want this to be fun. Lingering on topics, even if they are good ones, promotes distractedness. Reciprocity and connection, however brief, are the goals here. Enjoy an authentic Valentine's Day!

Trouble starting something? Get MOTIVATED! (RECYCLED 9/22/2021)

Have you ever asked your ADHD son to start his homework over and over and still he doesn't sit down to do it? Even if he is failing the class and it means he won't be able to play on the basketball team? Even if it means that he won't be able to go out on Friday night? It's hard not to become immensely frustrated with him and his behavior at this point. Most likely, he can't start his homework because he lacks motivation--either internal or external--which would get him going. How can parents assist their children in developing motivation? Let's first reflect on ourselves and what helps us do things. It's easy to do something you like, whether it's reading an engrossing novel or playing tennis on a sunny day. It is MUCH harder to do something that you don't like such as folding laundry or taking out the trash. When a task is fundamentally unrewarding or uninteresting, we are not very compelled to do it. We lack internal motivation. When a task doesn't have meaningful deadlines or immediate consequences to get us started (i.e. your boss expects the report tomorrow), it lacks external motivation. In both cases, we have to find something to get us going and our adult brains rely on fully matured frontal lobes to do so.  ADHD children and teens have not yet developed the executive functioning skills to overcome poor focus, disinterest or boredom to get unpleasant tasks done. They often do not possess the strategies or solutions to address either internal or external motivation deficits. If something seems unappealing, they turn away from it--even if the consequences are serious. Most kids have to rely on external rewards to rouse themselves; internal motivation, and the satisfaction a person receives when a dreaded task is completed, comes later-- in early adulthood. So children and teens need help from adults in their lives to create external rewards that are both meaningful and encouraging. Here are some tips on how you can create effective external rewards that will MOTIVATE your son or daughter: 1. Talk about the concept of external motivation. Most ADHD children and teens will acknowledge when they struggle with focusing and what tasks lack inherent interest or value for them. Ask what has assisted them in doing such things in the past and what would entice them to do them now. 2. Decide in advance with your child what the rewards will be for finishing something that is difficult to do. For example, if your son finishes his history project on time, maybe he can go out for pizza with his friends. Or, if he works for 30 minutes, he can earn 10 minutes of social media or music time. Do not remove the agreed upon reward if he engages in a separate behavior that you don't like. If he earned the reward for doing the agreed-upon activity, then he should have it. 3. Remember, (as I have written about in previous blogs) Most ADHD kids and teens have a great deal of difficulty starting something unpleasant because the task seems too large. Break it down into smaller components with timed rest periods during which your son or daughter can engage in a desired activity. Let's say, for example, your 10 year old daughter's room is a mess and you want her to pick it up. Think realistically together with her about how long she can actually work before she gets distracted, let's say 15 minutes. Then, set up 3 15 minute work periods with 5 minute movement, snack or bathroom breaks. Remember that she may need help figuring out where to begin or she may want you to stay in her room and guide her through the process. Your support can be a key to her success. Good luck with your efforts and let's get started!!

Stop reacting and start responding!

It's been a long day and you finally make it home from work with a car full of groceries which have to be unpacked and then, somehow, magically transformed into a tasty and nutritious meal. You trudge into the house, bags in each hand, and your ADHD son rushes towards you, waving a pink piece of paper in your face. "You need to sign this so I can go on the field trip on Friday. It's really important, my teacher said so. Can you sign it now?" You are amazed that he not only can't see that you have no hands to sign anything but that he also doesn't offer to take one of the grocery bags and help you. You can feel yourself about to lose it. What should you do? You can react and and shout at him, "What are you doing? Can't you see that my hands are full?" In all likelihood, you will get a bigger reaction in return. OR, you can respond by saying, "Hey, I can see this is important but my arms are full. Why don't you give me a hand and then we can take care of it right away?" By doing this second option, you will probably avoid a blow-out and maybe even get some cooperation along the way. The big difference between reacting and responding is how you manage yourself. Did you ever have one of those moments when you say something in frustration and wish that you could suck it back inside to make it go away? We all do! Most likely, those words are part of a knee-jerk reaction--a time when your emotional brain has hijacked your thinking brain. As adults, our developed pre-frontal cortex (located behind your forehead)--the seat of the thinking brain, can re-establish control and figure out how to put those emotions back into their place. Our ADHD children and teens, whose pre-frontal cortex is still maturing (until at least age 25), need extra assistance with managing emotions. Our self-management behaviors and our ability to talk about their choices and actions can show them how to do this. Responding requires you to acknowledge what your child is expressing, either verbally or non-verbally, in a non-judgmental way. It's not dismissive and it doesn't exacerbate tension or stress. It relies on patience, clear communication and paying attention to what is going on around you. This is why responding can be so challenging for people with ADHD. When someone responds, they validate whatever is going on and then create time for a solution. This can be especially tough in ADHD families when things happen very quickly--often escalating within seconds. You have to slow things down that are moving too fast--either for yourself or for your child or teen. Here's how you can do MORE responding and LESS reacting: 1. When people react, they act first, think second and breathe last (if at all). When we respond, we breathe first, think second, and act last. Switching the order of our actions and thoughts in this way offers the opportunity for things to be done differently. Do this yourself first a few times to see how it feels. The, you can start to talk your ADHD son or daughter through the steps in moments when they could use the help. 2. Responding does not involve blaming or name-calling. Use "I" statements and teach your kids to do this too. For example, "I get scared when you don't come home at the time we agreed because I don't know where you are" or "I don't like when you call me 'stupid.' We don't talk to each other like that in this family." These words reflect your sentiments about yourself and offer an opening for your child to reply more thoughtfully than defensively. 3. Try to practice active listening. "I heard you say that this permission slip is important to you. It's important to me too and I will sign it once I have fully arrived home." This recognition is reassuring to your child and teen and lowers his or her anxiety that their needs will be met. ADHD kids often worry that they won't remember things and don't expect others to either. This anxiety often fuels their insistence that things have to be done now and their frustration when they have to wait. Restating what you perceive as their concerns and offering a plan for dealing them helps them calm down. I invite you to try this approach and see what happens. Reducing the frequency of reactivity in any ADHD family will create more calm in the midst of our busy, demanding lives and relationships.

Family Confidential: Secrets of Successful Parenting

Watch Dr. Saline discuss ADHD parenting with Annie Fox, on Annie’s podcast “Family Confidential – Secrets of Successful Parenting.” What do you do if your child has ADHD? Is your child hyperactive, or just energetic?  Dr. Saline offers thoughtful advice and parenting tips.

Do more of one good thing in 2015!

As we break out our new calendars, most of us will review the past year and think about what we want to do differently in 2015. We often set our objectives based on what didn't work out the way we had hoped in 2014. I would like to suggest a different approach for you and your family that focuses on successes. Instead of creating resolutions focused on change, what about aiming to more of one good thing from 2014? Take a minute to think back over the past year. What were some things that you really enjoyed? What were some things that made your son or daughter happy? Savor these memories and then write them down. Next, create a quiet time to repeat this exercise with your family. Together, encourage each person to pick one thing from their list that they would like to repeat again in 2015, perhaps more regularly. Maybe you went on a great family hike or bike ride; maybe you went to a movie together or played a fun game; maybe you cooked a delicious meal together. Create a family list of these choices (a great opportunity for artistic or computer skills!) and post it in a common place so you can see it as a reminder, even in passing, as the days fly by. The new year is also a good time to check in on the goals for the school year with your child or teen that you made in September. Most ADHD kids will benefit from a re-evaluation at this time of year. Make a separate time from the one above for this conversation. First, find the document with the hopes and plans for this year. Secondly, BEFORE you comment about whatever progress or setbacks have occurred, ask your son or daughter for their opinion. Then, repeat what you heard them say and ask them for any possible modifications. Finally, now you can make A FEW suggestions, remembering to stay as positive as possible. If goals have been met, praise-praise-praise those achievements and talk about how to maintain such great progress. Again, write these new ideas down, so you can refer to them at some time in the future. My best wishes for a happy, healthy and peaceful new year to all!

De-stress your holiday season: SIMPLIFY

Every year, at this time in December, my clients and my friends are usually very stressed. Some people have a long list of gifts to buy and wait until the last minute to do their shopping. Some people schedule back-to-back social plans and celebrate with gusto. Other folks dislike the holidays altogether and would prefer to hide in bed under the covers until January. In general, everyone seems to be in a state of perpetual motion, running from one thing to the next, trying to get things done and seeing family and friends. This pace is not only challenging to maintain but also especially hard for kids and adults with ADHD who get easily overwhelmed, even without the holiday fervor. How can you create experience that is fun, rewarding and calmer for you, your family and your ADHD child or teen? Start with a mindset of “SIMPLIFY, not COMPLEX-IFY”. Usually the holiday overwhelm comes from two main sources: leaving things until the last minute and trying to do too much. Let’s face it—everything takes longer than we think it does. If you start planning your tasks with that mentality and give yourself more time to do things, the process will go more smoothly. Here are some suggestions for addressing this: 1. Make a master list and then break it down into shorter ones, with no more than 3-4 different places in one outing. Map out where you need to go and group places together than are near each other. 2. Teach your ADHD kids to do this too by explaining what, why and how you are doing things when you go out together to run errands. 3. Schedule in a break for hot chocolate or tea to break up the trip. 4. Be sure to cross things off your shorter and master lists when they are completed. You can do this yourself or ask your kids to assist you. It’s easier to see your accomplishments this way. Secondly, reduce the number of social engagements. The holiday season is usually jammed packed with things to do, people to see and places to go.   As parents, we have to take into consideration how much our ADHD children and teens can actually tolerate, process and enjoy. Sometimes you have to curb your own desire and capacity to do several things in a day in order to help regulate what your kids can really manage. Part of the holiday stress for ADHD kids and families comes from having too many of these activities in a row and not enough ‘down time’ to process them. When your ADHD daughter has a meltdown at 6 p.m. because she doesn’t like the macaroni and cheese, it probably has nothing to do with the food and everything to do with unloading steam from holding it together for so long throughout the day. To cut down on the “squeeze it all in” mentality, you can: 1. Sit down with your family and decide how many things in a day people really can handle during the holiday season. 2. Talk about what constitutes ''down time" and make sure it includes something that is settling rather than stimulating. Limit individual technology use and encourage quiet activities including playing games, reading and listening to music. Maybe watch a family movie. Write down these ideas and post them on the refrigerator so people can refer to them when they are most needed. Good luck and Happy Holidays to All!

Settling Back into School with Success

Once the excitement of returning to school wears off, it's time to assess how well the transition to school has actually been going. By now, the patterns of waking up early, doing homework and managing activities has settled in--for better or for worse--and the carefree days of summer may seem long past. Your daughter may be happily embracing the new experiences of school or she may be slugging through them. Your son may be doing his homework diligently or spending more time texting than actually studying. Whatever the situation, taking some time to evaluate this first month is a worthwhile effort towards creating a year of effective and engaged learning. It can also help you lower any stress that may be starting to creep into your family life. First, it is critical to reflect privately on how this month has unfolded: what has worked and what has not. I think it is always helpful to jot down some notes about your thoughts not only to remember them but also because writing often clarifies our thinking. Then, get input from your child's teachers or guidance counselor via email or phone calls, also taking some notes. If you have not made contact with these people before, introduce yourself and the conversation as a chance to check in. If you have spoken with them already, getting an update is still useful. Make sure to inquire if any 766 (IEP) or 504 accommodations are being followed and how they are implemented. (If they aren't, then arrange a meeting ASAP!) Next, arrange a time to chat with you child to get his/her perspective. Discuss successes and challenges--academic, social, athletic. Look for specifics. This chat is not about criticism, blame or evaluation: it's based on your curiosity about how things are going for them. Review your mutual goals for this year and whether this month has been on track towards obtaining them. Share some of the positive information you have received from the school. Help your child understand the ways that she has already adjusted to the new year. Talk about the family practices related to school. How are the mornings and evenings going? Do you need to post a schedule or a list of reminders? Is there an appropriate study space for your son? Is your daughter's notebook organized in a way that makes sense for her?  Can you monitor technology and social media use (overuse)? Together, pick one area of improvement based on your thoughts, teacher/guidance counselor feedback and your child's own impressions. Make a simple, straightforward plan for addressing this issue, positively and concretely. Try it for one month and check in weekly about how it's going. Establish a regular, weekly meeting of 5-10 minutes (maximum) so there is no chance of your child feeling nagged. Follow up with the school too as the month unfolds. At the end of the month, decide together if there has been sufficient progress on this issue or if it would still benefit from more attention. If you both agree that things are moving along well, you can mutually pick another one or just continue what is already working. Remember to stay as positive as you can, noticing your child's efforts as well as the outcomes!

Beating the ADHD Back to School Blues

As the beginning of school approaches or, perhaps, has already started, many kids with ADHD/ADD can feel a mix of excitement and dread. Some are excited to see their friends again but dread the start of the academic year. Others would just prefer to avoid the whole scene--social and academic. Often, they are sad to say goodbye to the freedoms of summer and the pleasure of homework-free days. Making this transition back to school can be challenging for even the most well adapted kids who don't have the challenges of ADHD to contend with. To beat the ADHD Back to School Blues, you have to help your child or teen navigate this shift to school by easing them into the changes ahead. Such support requires looking back and looking forward to identify and build upon successes and lessons from the previous year. Try these steps: 1) Talk about the return to school by reviewing with your child or teen a few  positives and negatives about going back--being as specific as possible. 2) Then look at what successes your child or teen had last year that you would like to see repeated and she would like to see repeated. If you can't come up with any at first, take some time to think of a few examples. No success is too small to mention. 3) Together, make a list of 3 goals for this year that are achievable and realistic. Keep them simple and concrete. For instance, if your son struggles with math and got a  'C' last year, getting an 'A' in math may not be a realistic goal for this year but getting a 'B' might be. Prioritize these ideals and agree to focus only on Number One for a month. Set a date for a follow-up conversation to check on his progress before moving on to Numbers Two and Three. 4) Identify worries about the school year with your son or daughter. Your goal is to empower him or her towards feeling a sense of control over any concerns instead of being controlled by them. Strategize some manageable solutions and write them down on an electronic device or on a piece of paper (that you post so it doesn't get lost) for future reference. 5) Give your child or teen time to adjust to the school routine. It takes ADHD kids longer to re-adjust their internal body clocks and their minds to a new schedule. Good luck and welcome back to school!

Savor the Summer and Take Your ADHD Kids Outside

As we head into the last weeks of summer and for some, the early return to school, it's worth taking some time to savor the great outdoors. Spending time in nature is beneficial and fun for all of us: we can kick off our shoes and wade into the ocean, hike to a beautiful vista or just have a picnic in our own backyards. It's especially great for kids with ADHD. When any of us venture outside to a beach, park or any green spot, our entire demeanor shifts. We shed some of the stress of our daily lives, feel more relaxed and connect with the atmosphere around us. Children, teens and adults start to feel a welcome sense of spaciousness and freedom. For kids with ADHD, this freedom is often sorely needed. Children and teens with ADHD need a chance to let go from the pressures of all things that they struggle to remember to do and from not feeling good enough at doing them. They spend so much time trying to focus, stay organized and correct their mistakes that a break from these pressures is a welcome relief. On a family excursion outdoors, they can just be in the moment. They can enjoy the diversity of outside activities and explore the many facets of the natural environment. They may be happy just to be in a different physical space and do nothing at all. These experiences in nature can be very restorative for them and for you as parents too. They also provide ideal times for family fun as the 'shoulds' of our daily routines are transformed into games, explorations and discoveries. Here are some tips to having a successful summer family outings with ADHD kids or teens: 1. Pick a location that offers something for everyone and doesn't require much planning. Talk with your family about the experience and what people want to do so you can all collaborate on making a good experience for everyone. 2. Limit your expectations. Whatever happens has to be okay with you and okay with your child. Share your hope for the day and listen to theirs. 3. Give your teen or child a few specific, simple tasks to do in preparation that are written down and can be checked off. This gives them more practice in developing those ever-needed executive planning and organizing skills. 4. Create some guidelines about appropriate behaviors for the excursion (not more than 3 because the kids won't likely remember them). These should revolve around safety primarily and be logical and explicit (e.g. no swimming alone or without permission, no hiking away from the group, no wandering off from the picnic area).  Remind your child or teen of these 3 guidelines as you arrive at the location. 5. Focus on the positive. There will likely be a blip or two. Something may happen that will frustrate you or your child. Take a deep breath, focus on what's most important and help him/her recalibrate. You could both try paying attention to something appealing in the nature around you to help you move on. Enjoy your adventures! Follow me on Twitter to learn more about my integrative strategies for attention, behavior and learning @drsharonsaline!

The Secret Shame of Having ADHD

I have been working with kids and teens with ADHD for over 20 years and there is one constant that I have seen: every single person has a deep seated sense of shame about having ADHD and being 'different' from his or her peers.  Sometimes this shame is obvious: your daughter can't seem to make friends, can't write as well or easily as her friends and spaces out at her desk at school. Sometimes it is more hidden: your son boasts about his accomplishments at video games and basketball but hides his tests from you or procrastinates endlessly before starting homework. Either way, the shame about not being able to succeed at school or manage life tasks as well as other kids starts early in life and continues into adulthood. School is usually the hardest domain of functioning for children and teens with ADHD. People with ADHD seem to be blind to time: they are living in the moment. Future rewards and delayed consequences don't mean a lot to them. For example, knowing that if you apply yourself today to a boring spelling sheet will help you later next week when you have a test doesn't really matter that much because the experience NOW is so intolerable. So, if this experience is so miserable and the end result seems intangible, why even bother? If we add to this thought that your child believes he is bad at spelling anyway and hates writing too, then the effort is truly not worth it and shame, avoidance and distraction set in. Interestingly, even though kids with ADHD will often comment about their lack of intelligence, ADHD has nothing to do with intelligence. It is a biological disorder which is directly related to executive functioning deficits. Having difficulty writing a paper due to a lack of planning, prioritizing and organizing thoughts means  your daughter can't translate her ideas into text not that she lacks intellectual capacity. BUT, what she interprets from her struggles, is that she is 'bad at writing." She feels ashamed of herself; she doesn't measure up. I bet that if you asked her to talk her way through that same history assignment, she would do a fine job. ADHD is a disorder of performance: your child or teen can't apply what he or she knows when it is required and in the form that it is being asked. Sadly, it FEELS like failure and stupidity and can look insufficient in a typical classroom setting or at home when chores were forgotten once again. How can you address and reduce this pervasive and sometimes debilitating feeling of shame? While there are many ways to address this issue, here are a few of the most important things you can do: 1. Make sure your child has sufficient and useful support in school. Identify his or her cognitive strengths and weaknesses, amplifying executive functions that are strong and targeting the weaker ones with appropriate interventions. Keep any supports in place after improvements are seen to make sure they stick. 2. Use this knowledge about your child's functioning at home. If your child can't remember things, make lists together. If your teen has a messy room, make a united plan to assist him in organizing it. Try to work on the same issue at home that he is tackling at school so he can see some progress in his functioning in both arenas. 3. Lean into your child's strengths, noticing and praising her for what she is doing well and trying to do well. Her efforts are especially important since kids with ADHD often feel under- appreciated for how hard they try just to do what other kids do naturally. 4. Normalize ADHD behavior. We all have different types of brains that process information in unique and idiosyncratic ways whether or not we have ADHD. These differences are part of what makes people diverse, interesting and innovative. While academics might be hard for your middle-schooler now, later on she could be a terrific actress with her flair for comic timing or a stellar paramedic with her calm demeanor in crisis and spelling may not matter as much.  Since kids may not talk about their challenges with each other, they often feel isolated and embarrassed by their limitations. 5. Focus on something your child enjoys or does well and amplify that. For 6-8 hours each day at school, your child is dealing with situations and tasks that are difficult for him or her. In addition to being humiliating at times, this process can be exhausting and demoralizing. Look for what is working, what makes them happy and notice that as much as, indeed more than, you pay attention to what needs improving. ADHD children and teens get plenty of this feedback at school, on the sports field and from their friends. So, if that means your son only reads books about Minecraft because that game is his current obsession, then smile, because at least he is reading.

The Benefits of Wandering Attention

Are you concerned when you see your child or teen daydreaming? According to Daniel Goleman, author of many books including his latest one, Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence, periodically letting your mind drift is actually good for you. It allows for creativity and rest that the brain doesn’t otherwise engage in. I recently read Focus and was struck by the importance of occasional attention wandering which Goleman refers to as “open awareness”. Usually, in our busy days, our brains spend most of the time purposefully assembling, managing and applying information. We engage in actions, behaviors and self-expression that require complex mental and physical processes. Attention is focused on a variety of situations, people and problems.  This focus comes from interactions between the different parts of the brain. The lower brain works mostly out of our consciousness, checking sensory information and events in our environment. The mid-brain monitors and processes emotions. The frontal lobes (the prefrontal cortex) are often called ‘the thinking brain’. They manage executive functioning skills like planning, organizing, self-reflection and impulse control that push away distractions and point the mind to a single task or thought. The prefrontal cortex is the last part of the brain to finish developing (around age 25) and is specifically affected by having ADHD. Of course, attention is also affected by cultural norms, technology and trauma. We are bombarded by information every moment of every day. The constant stimulation creates what Goleman refers to as the ‘neural buzz” in our brains. This ‘buzz’ can easily interrupt us and overwhelm our capacity to manage our focus. People with ADHD/ADD are especially susceptible to these interruptions and benefit from the balance that occasional ‘zoning out’ provides. In fact, some scientists believe that daydreams might actually be time when innovative connections between new ideas are occurring. So, what does this mean for you and your child? Simply put, allow for some down time—time when the brain can free associate and take a break from the demands of technology, relationships, academics and performance. Try this: 1. Create technology-free time on a daily or weekly basis, depending on your child’s needs. Let your child use this time for whatever else he or she wants to do, including and especially nothing. Set limits for this time in advance. 2. Make a list of various activities for this time with your child or teen so you can avoid an argument when it arrives. 3. Participate with your child in this time, also refraining from technological interruptions. This way your child will take it seriously. Remember this is time for personal and family balance from the busy work the brain does all day long. Take a deep breath and enjoy the wandering!