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"Are we there yet?" "How much longer?" Family vacations often start with high hopes. 
Everyone imagines bubbly laughter, good food and happy connections. You are excited and so are your kids. Usually, things work out as you had hoped: people get along well and have a good time. Sometimes things don't work out as much as you would have liked. Arguments, tantrums, logistical difficulties bring everyone down. What are the ingredients for a successful ADHD family vacation? In the New York Times travel tips section on July 10, 2016, Kay Merrill, a family travel specialist, recently offered some ideas for making family getaways as good as you imagine them to be. Her article inspired me to create suggestions about traveling with ADHD kids.
when presented with it. Even children as young as 5 years old have ideas about what they like to do. Put together a file (digital or hard copy) with maps, places to see and interesting activities that you have pre-selected as possibilities. Then, sit down as a family, look these over and see what intrigues folks. Rule things in that appeal to your children but also to you too. This way the trip can be fun for everyone.
I wish you well on your family trip--whether you stay close to home or venture further afield. ENJOY!!
Too often ADHD families are so busy dealing with the stress of daily living that cultivating loving connections can take a back seat more that everyone would like. Recently I read "The 5 love languages: The secret to love that lasts" by Gary Chapman. In this best-selling book, he starts with the idea (from Dr. Ross Campbell) that we carry around from childhood an internal 'emotional love tank" waiting to be filled with caring, affection and kindness. When this happens, children develop normally but when the tank is empty, kids misbehave (p.20). Mr. Chapman thinks adults have the same needs but fail to give love in ways their partners can actually receive it. In looking at couples and how they can improve their relationships, he identifies 5 ways of communicating love: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. 
I think Mr. Chapman's ideas apply just as well to ADHD families. When you are running to the lacrosse field to bring your daughter the cleats she forgot yet again, when you are arguing with your son to pick up the mountain of dirty clothes off his floor so you can find the missing library book or when you are sitting down for the nightly homework struggle, taking the time to consider how to express your love for your ADHD child is likely not at the forefront of your mind. You are just trying to manage the stressful situation in front of you. But, there are other moments when it can be. Quieter, calmer times like the moments when you read a story, when you share a snack, when you chat casually in the car. The value of the Mr. Chapman's model lies in figuring out how your ADHD son or daughter best receives love and tries to express it to you. This understanding will promote a natural give-and-take of closeness that will fuel both of your love tanks. First, start with yourself. Ask yourself what feels best to you. Is it when someone says something nice to you about you or something you have done (words of affirmation)? Is it spending meaningful time doing something together (quality time)? Is it getting a special something, a token of thanks (receiving gifts)? Is it when someone does something helpful or nice for you (acts of service)? Is it being hugged, caressed or holding hands (physical touch)? While these all may be important, try to decide on your top two choices. 
Then consider your child. What do you notice feels good to him or her? What do you think helps the two of you feel close? Again, pick your top two choices. Next, ask them. This conversation itself is already enriching your relationship. See if you can make an agreement about what filling their love tank looks like (be as specific as possible but ruling out buying gifts daily). Have them pick the most important one or two. Remember, that what nourishes them might be different than what nourishes you. That's okay. The goal here is to deepen the positive bonds between you. As their parent, your job is to initiate that. 
Making a concerted effort to put some extra attention and energy into nurturing the love language that feeds your child the most will certainly strengthen your connection to each other. This bond produces the cooperation, affection, honesty and fun we all want in our families. ADHD kids, who often suffer from feelings of low self-worth and wrestle with many daily frustrations, particularly benefit from being seen and heard. You will reap many rewards--affection, cooperation, humor--by doing more of what feeds them. I am confident that they will start to reciprocate as well and you, too, will get some fuel for your own love tank.
This is a significant jump since the last time this population was studied in 2003. In fact, a 43% increase. The study also found that more girls have been diagnosed–up from 4.3% in 2003 to 7.3% in 2011–while the rates for boys remained steady. The study did not look into underlying causes for this increase but suggested it could be due to the tendency to over-diagnose and recommended more research. How you can make sure that your child has an accurate ADHD diagnosis? Generally, there are three common routes leading to an ADHD diagnosis: via your pediatrician, via a psychotherapist or via the child’s school. Whichever route you choose, I want to put in a plug for psychological or educational evaluations. Testing can be a great way to understand how your child’s brain works more in depth, how they are performing academically and what is going on emotionally. Only certified school psychologists and licensed psychologists (or neuropsychologists) are trained to and do these types of evaluations. You can go through your public school system for an evaluation. Or, you may decide to see someone in private practice. Both options, although different in terms of cost, time and depth of analysis, are beneficial. Sometimes health insurance companies will pay for testing but not always. Personally, I think these evaluations
, however obtained, are absolutely worth it. The comprehensive information that you gain from these reports can be tremendously helpful to everyone–parents, kids, teachers. They assist you in specifically understanding how ADHD affects the brain, behavior and emotion of your child and can validate that she or he really has it. Of course, pediatricians are absolutely helpful and well-informed in the diagnosis process and often they are the first people many parents talk to about ADHD. To make an ADHD diagnosis, they usually rely on speaking with you to get a sense of what is going on with your son or daughter (including gathering additional developmental or family history) and giving you some forms for you and the school to fill out. The Vanderbilt, Conors and BASC scales are common ones. Based on that information and any other relevant information that you have, your doctor will make a diagnosis. Many mental health practitioners do something similar and lots and lots of experts think these are sufficient, which they often are. 
But, in light of the statistics at the top of this post, what could be happening differently? Most parents want to be sure that their kids have ADHD before giving them medication, putting them in special classes or getting them expensive tutors etc. I think testing provides you with the extra information that promotes a fuller understanding of what is going on for your child. Many pediatricians and mental health practitioners recommend it but some do not. I think reliable testing and valid interpretations of the results could make a big difference. Today, my goal is to encourage you to obtain testing, if you haven’t already, and especially if you are uncertain that your child has been correctly diagnosed. I have seen numerous families in my practice be reassured and enlightened by the results, even though they can be complicated and sometimes overly focussed on weaknesses and problems. While the process of getting tested may be cumbersome, I believe the pros outweigh the cons. If you think your child may be incorrectly diagnosed, I encourage you to speak to your pediatrician or school psychologist and arrange for a formal evaluation. 
Many parents of ADHD children and teens come into my office and report that nothing really works in terms of discipline and consequences. “My son just doesn’t care what we take away” or “my daughter laughs when we ground her.” While all kids balk at rules sometimes, those with ADHD, because of their ADHD, seem to do this more often and louder. To be successful at reining in and re-directing undesirable behaviors in ADHD kids, parents not only have to be incredibly patient but also
consistent, clear and calm. From this firm ground, you can then make well-considered decisions about the rapidly changing emotional meltdowns and behavioral infractions you encounter with your child. Today’s parents have, in general, moved away from physical punishment such as spanking to using Time Outs. But Time Outs still focus on the “wrong-ness” of the action. Time Outs seem to give parents and children a break when they most need it and emotions are running high. But, most kids experience them as punishment which makes them feel worse about themselves. They frequently feel like they are bad people who are engaging in bad behaviors that, because of their ADHD, they often can’t control. In addition, Time Outs usually don’t teach emotional regulation because learning this key executive functioning skill requires interaction not isolation. Kids benefit from discussing ways of managing big feelings and getting help using these techniques at times when they are the hardest to implement. Of course, a child in Time Out will eventually calm down but they usually don’t come away from the experience with the necessary skills they will need the next time they get triggered and have a meltdown. I believe that people need some separation from each other when emotions get
high but this separation has to be negotiated and agreed upon before it is implemented. This means making a plan together for those times when things get heated or out of control that works well for everyone. Imposing a physical separation such as sending your son to his room when he is in a meltdown may not be the most effective solution for him even though it would give you some relief. He may need a quiet few moments with you on the couch rubbing his head and reading a book. You may need 20 minutes alone in your room with some deep breathing or mindless television. So, I like to advocate for Time Apart Together: a pre-negotiated break from the problematic interactions that doesn’t banishment your ornery teen to his room out of mutual anger and frustration. The Time Apart Together System (TATS) is based on creating an environment that teaches self-management through collaboration when people are not upset. This technique relies on the parent-child bond that is the main incentive for cooperation in the first place. I am certain that neither you, your ADHD child or teen or anyone else who is resides with you likes the meltdowns, yelling and emotional escalation that often precede a standard Time Out. Here’s how to use Together Time Apart:
teaching. Your ADHD child’s thinking brain has been kidnapped by her emotion brain—it’s fight or flight mode. Stay nearby and stay calm but don’t give in to her demands. Take some mental notes and use them when you re-evaluate the TATS that you have devised.Good luck on embarking on your family’s TATS today!
How many of us long for our family summer vacations and then feel like they whiz by all too quickly? We return from our days off with that certain "I've just had a break glow" only to see it fade too soon and too fast. Vacations offer us a much-needed respite not only from our daily routines but also from the typical ways we interact. These breaks are especially needed by ADHD kids. They can really benefit from a different environment, meeting new people and taking time away from academics. Hopefully, you and your ADHD child or teen have also been able to have fun together. These positive connections enrich your relationship by nourishing the bonds that foster collaboration. Soon, however, your ADHD son or daughter will go back to school and you will be catapulted into the busy-ness of life once again. How can you keep the vacation glow alive? 
Time functions differently for ADHD kids. They live primarily in the present don't spend much time in the past. They focus on the future when it is immediately in front of them and they don't tend to linger on the past. In addition, ADHD kids (and adults too) frequently have working memory deficits. This means that it can be hard to recall or hold onto things in their brain. Information that is recorded in the brain doesn't transfer efficiently to long term memory storage. Furthermore, many kids with and without ADHD are so often distracted by their technology that they miss out on what is going on around them or forget about it when "an important text" interrupts their current activity. Thus, the glow from the vacation can evaporate much too soon. How can you help them stay connected to the benefits of time off and incorporate them into your home once you get home? Try these tips to recapture and preserve the glow from your family vacation: 1. During a meal or other family time (for instance, being in a car is always a good time to talk because you are all there together), review some of the highlights of your family trip. Be specific. "That double chocolate ice cream cone was the best!" "I loved riding that big wave right up the sand." Write them down if you can and maybe put a phrase or two around the house on post-its. 2. Together with your ADHD son or daughter, find some pictures or video from the vacation that illustrate or connect to those moments. Try to post some of these images in a common space in the house as well. Maybe watch a video clip or two. Allow yourselves to reminisce. 3. Share some stories about your family vacation with friends or family, encouraging the kids to participate (even with interruptions). The goal here is to rekindle the excitement of the original experience and keep it alive. 4. Do this periodically for the next month or two. It will help all of you remember what fun you had and the closeness you shared. 
Enjoy your vacation!
How many times have parents of ADHD kids heard them say, “I’m sorry” but it didn’t feel like they really understood what they had done? That it didn’t feel genuine? Most Adhd kids harbor feelings of being wrong or doing bad things from an early age. They likely have been admonished at school and at home numerous times for: impulsivity, being overly active, daydreaming or social awkwardness. Basically, they are reprimanded for doing things which have seemed nearly impossible to be in their awareness or control. Apologies are just one more thing on the long list of what they should do better and usually aren’t a big priority. In my clinical practice, I often play games with ADHD children and teens while we talk about issues in their lives. Yahtzee, Battleship, Checkers, Uno are longstanding choices. But my favorite game to play with my clients is Sorry. I love playing this game because it is always interesting to me to see how each person proceeds to say it. We set the ground rules for saying “Sorry” at the very beginning and they are simple: You must look the other player in the eye and say “Sorry” directly and clearly. That’s all there is. Here’s what is fascinating. Some kids cooperate easily and with good humor. Others have a lot of trouble following through: they will mumble, avert their eyes, say it as fast as they can or omit saying anything at all. Over the years, I have observed that most of the ADHD kids who struggle with simple apologies during the game also struggle at home, at school or with friends with personal accountability. They often harbor such a deep sense of shame about their various misbehaviors or mistakes that apologizing is just too painful. So, when arrive at the "sorry" part of the game and I see them avoid it, I try to turn it into something playful before addressing their discomfort later more directly. Then, we can talk about how to give real apology and mean it: using eye contact, tone of voice and volume. 
As adults, we realize the importance of accountability, humility and the acknowledgment of our errors and our limitations in the context of maintaining and nurturing our relationships with family, friends, colleagues, etc. Often, it isn’t so easy for us to apologize for own our hurtful words or actions. So, it makes sense that ADHD kids and teens are not only reluctant to be, in their own minds, wrong AGAIN but at some level, very accustomed to having committed yet another mistake. They frequently want to say a quick “Sorry”, get it over with and move on. How can we teach our ADHD children and teens to do better without shaming them further? Sometimes just asking for eye contact and a thoughtful “I am sorry because . . .” can be enough. But at other times, something more may be called for. I like Apologies of Action because they integrate words with doing. Some people call this “Making Amends.” Either way, it is a collaborative, teaching process: your ADHD child or teen learns that their speech and actions affect others and that reparations can be made. When she says or does something hurtful, she needs to make her apology meaningful—not just a throw away. This requires a combination of a verbal apology and doing something to help the person. 
For example, one ADHD teen I know was driving his parents’ car (with their permission) and backed accidentally into a mailbox in a snow bank. He felt terrible but couldn’t make a real apology which infuriated them. When they sat down to talk about the next day, he shared his embarrassment, guilt and regret about the accident. The parents accepted his apology but also asked him for his participation in repairing the car. He met with his father and the insurance adjuster to report the incident. He went with the mother to get an estimate on the damages to the car. He wasn’t allowed to drive the rental car so he had to bike places instead. In the end, he told me that it “turned out okay. I was surprised. I learned about what to do if this happens again and I showed my parents that I really was sorry.” In another family, if their ADHD daughter breaks her sister’s Lego creations, she has to apologize and then work with her to rebuild something. The actions logically follow the affront. I encourage you to think about how you can assist your children or teen in learning to make sincere apologies and following them with actions when appropriate which isn’t all of the time. These aren’t punishments; they are efforts to make amends. Pick and choose the moments when you use Apologies of Actions based on when a simple, genuine “I’m sorry” is enough.
